#BlofLife470 - Religion or cult?

I'm so glad one of Mama's perfumes arrived and I had to cheekily smell it.

As we both love the same brand and I was dying to know what it was like as it's newly released.

It's very sweet but distinctive, not like a cheap perfume but something classy.

The courier was annoyingly impatient though, rudely prolongingly buzzing. I hate that, press once and wait, twit!!

I'm glad she's away Cruising it up somewhere. I'm always glad when she vacations because there's no-one just take, take, taking from her.

Thinking back I realised how frantically stressed she used to get, the night before Church.

She would be so busy, snapping and angry, as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and still today she is the same.

I didn't really connect it to religion before but now it dawns on me how much she does for them.

Cooking, cleaning, volunteering, donating money, attending long boring lecturey services, the ongoing meetings in the weekday,

There's so many times when she's been tired or ill and said, ugh, I really don't want to go but I can't let them down.

I never understand that, I always think it's fine to take care of yourself and rest but there seems to be something important frequently going on.

And I do think they needlessly over tax the elderly and exploit them a bit.

Otherwise why would she not be at ease? Why would she feel so burdened and be running around like a headless chicken?

Why also would she not take time off routinely without feeling guilty???

I just remember being told I was going to go to hell. Don't lie, don't have pre-marital sex, don't drink, don't do drugs.

That pretty much screwed my head up because it's as though they are saying be a perfect virginal doll.

Judge other people, act flawlessly and don't think about sex. As a pre-teen to teenager..

It all seemed outdated and illogical. What should I do? Stay home, cross my legs and pray 24-7??

I had hormones, lustful thoughts and instead of feeling natural, it felt shameful.

Which is disgusting! Sex should be normal, it's up to the individual whatever they want to do, as long as it's legal and with consenting adults.

It took years and years to unlearn the stupidity of what I was being brainwashed with.

It's 2023 and I still feel a lil unclean if I even mention sex. That is definitely one of the reasons I can't write a mature story.

Some part of me feels, it's inappropriate but it isn't, both men and women enjoy saucy tales.

It's just human nature! Yeesh!! There also seems to be double standards, these all seem to be targeted towards women, to remain pure!

Don't wear trousers, wear skirts or dresses, be feminine, be a lady, but for heavens sake, keep your bloody clothes on!!

Rolls eyes!!

#BlogLife432 - Being chronically sick means being judged

There just seems to be a lot of sarcasm, disbelief and prejudice going on with telling people that I can't manage, this or that.

"Hmm, you're tired already but you've only done one thing."

"How can you want to nap, when you've only been up a few hours?"

"You should really be able to cope, it's not difficult."

"You seem fine so I didn't bother to ask if you needed anything."

A side note. I've had the new blankie on for about 2 hours and I'm frozen. Barely any heat at all.

My hands are like ice and my body is shivering. I woke up 9ish or 10ish but I didn't put the blankie on til 12ish as I didn't want to keep tripping over the wire.

I wonder what the seller can possibly say to justify this piece of crap?? I've just replied back to them reiterating my opinions grr.

Why must I repeat myself??

I am already yawning and I'm feeling sore and tired. The sucky thing to me is that most of the above comments, were made by people who know I have severe health conditions but I'm still expected to be..... What??? Normal???

When I wake up, usually exhausted it's a roulette, what hurts? What makes me uneasy?

Did I have any nightmares? Did I have a triggery panic attack? Did the pains keep me up for a while?

Yesterday when I was drifting in and out of sleep, my arm was bothering me.

I didn't hit it or bruise it, yet it was throbbing significantly for no reason whatsoever.

I've found that random parts of my body will just give me intermittent sharp pains from routine actions.

Exercises, carrying shopping a few feet from the door to the kitchen, bending to plug the cord in..

It's nothing major that I do, it's just later on, I'll pay the price for it. Today I guess my hands feel a lil tender and that's from typing and carrying the Ocado bags.

I don't feel weepy or upset as such. I feel empty but I don't blame myself for not being "healthy" in their eyes, if they're too idiotic or biased to tell sick, from able bodied, that is their hang up.

I think it does grate though that their perception of me is "lazy." And I'm there struggling to do the barest minimum, for my own sake and it's sooo difficult for me but I achieve it, just about.

Only for them to turn around and say..... "Well I expect more from you."

I don't have anything more, it killed me to do what you asked. Why do you demand the impossible???

Why isn't me showing up, adequate?? I got the advents to do and I promise when I'm away I'll work on the stories.

The Christmas one isn't going to be ready in time. I'm just blank.

I'm not sure if you know what it's like to get up, eat, get dressed and just sit down and think.....

I don't want to do anything because my brain is depleted and my body is stretched beyond capacity but I have to do something and then that's it, there's nothing left inside me, for anything or anyone....

** The reason for the delay in posting this was that I had cramps which I thought were pmt/pms related.

I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary, until the nausea started and I managed to avoid it, until the third time.

I didn't even had the chance to rush to the bathroom, it was all over the floor, the pillows, the bed and myself.

My head is killing me. I had no energy to take out the bins, unpack the shopping or just get up and walk around but living alone means you have no choice but to get on with it.

Sorry if that was an overshare. I had to psyche myself up just to get things done but I mainly just napped all day.

I didn't want to do anything today and still don't but I think even temporary illnesses make me more determined to get on with things or just do what I can manage.

I'm relieved to have reserve posts, I'm not sure I could have written something fresh.

It's the achiness that gets to me, I haven't been active much but I feel so tired.

I couldn't face food today so I just sipped water, fizzies and vimto throughout the day.

I didn't want anything foodie related because my stomach still doesn't feel settled so I literally opened the fridge and closed it.

Tomorrow hopefully will be an improvement and I can nibble some small snacks.

#BlogLife296 - Let me read your blog....

"Oh you're a blogger? Wow that sounds fun and easy, give me the link then so I can check you out??"

Would you be flattered by that request or uneasy like me? I've been blogging for what seems like forever but still whenever I hear that query I cringe.

Particularly if it's from a male as they tend to be extremely critical and judgemental.

I don't mind them seeing a selective few, personally chosen, random posts but not something deep and meaningful straight away without any context behind it.

I don't want a zillion questions fired at me. Why did you say that? Don't you think you're overreacting?

Why so moody? Can you not just move past that? I don't understand your point of view, can you elaborate?

Ughhhh. No no no no!! They want too much, too soon and I am not having it!

It should be a gentle pace not a frigging high speed race, where they immediately presume they know me intimately.

I'm not at all comfortable with that. I would make an exception if it wasn't such a personal blog.

After I said No. One guy said......Why not, you should be promoting it, not hiding it.

Pah like I would fall for something manipulative like that. He was obsessed with wanting to read it.

I just explained I do promote it, just not on that medium. I suppose you need a thick skin about exposing yourself to others.

That's understandable. I just don't tolerate the assumptions, that some make straight away.

They don't read something and say....Does this mean...? Blah blah..

They say. Oh you always felt like that because.... No I don't like that at all.

You don't know me from one bloody post. Read the whole blog and then you can have a lil insight about me.

#BlogLife116 - I'm not a talker

I've mentioned this before that I am more comfortable in the role of a listener but let's explore than in more depth. I just took a wonderful gritty chat on the support system and that was why I volunteered in the first place.

Certain horrible things I can relate to, so I'm not just nodding my head and saying there there, it's get'll better soon, dry your tears. 

I'm saying look, I may not be able to fix it or improve your mood but I have a few ideas on what may help and these are tried and tested so I know what I am talking about.

Case in point, the person was feeling heard and validated and they requested another session. One per day, is so much more manageable than four or more. Yikes.

Anyway I can stand or sit and talk with a friend or a stranger but about random details, not anything particularly personal. I feel okay in that instance.

The minute it starts to get real and I have to share something that is not typical and run of the mill conversation, is where I really struggle.

These topics can be sensitive/non-sensitive. It is basically the opening up in general. I just have this constant voice saying, protect yourself.

Hold back! Are you sure you want to reveal that? You know that they are just going to throw it back in your face and twist it around?!

I am so used to this negative behaviour that is ingrained to be shut off and communicate minimally. One example is, I told one of the randoms that I dated a married guy.

Which again, is something I am not proud of but it happened and I can say it out loud but it was also during a horrendously stressful time in my life.

I was alone and I needed support which I was not getting from anybody. Not friends, not family, no-one and he provided what was missing in my life so that I had a reason to get up in the mornings.

I had something to smile about finally amongst all the murky darkness and depression. It wasn't perfect but I needed a lifeline like you wouldn't believe.

As you can imagine it's a prickly topic for me and he just trashed my character in an instant and I cried silently because that is what happens.

It always occurs. I open up and give a piece of myself, hoping to be understood and comforted and respected and instead I get a verbal slap and a disgusted response.

It's just not safe. I should point out that he did profusely apologise and I did accept it but it was noteworthy. I just find that at times I am told to carry the conversation.

I feel like I have to choose a subject and just make it fascinating. I can do that with a few things but certain areas I just feel foolish because I am just guessing.

I really can't stand to just be in the spotlight while I am floundering. I want to look smart and full of insight because if I don't, someone comes along and rips me apart.

I don't know how relationships work. I've never been in one. I know nothing about cars or sports because they hold no enjoyment for me.

Stop asking me to tackle something that I have no earthly interest in. I have to be perceived as knowledgeable because otherwise I'm just going to be criticised.

I am so sick of being on the defence and angry so let me be comfortable and stick to things that I actually can relay back in a quirky way.

That is where my strength comes from. I need to relax and be myself and not have to impress you. I am okay with me as a person, with all of my faults.

I accept them so why don't you?