#BlogLife462 - I dread summer

It's a strange morning with the sun shining but the wind blowing through me.

Dic called me first thing about 10amish maybe, I was already awake reluctantly as I didn't feel rested enough.

It's pretty funny that my phone rejected him before I did. I hit the answer button and spoke but for some reason it didn't take and it said missed call, instead of answered ha.

I did call the idiot back as it was the third missed call and I was apprehensive at what the hell he wanted..

As per usual, the fool just lets it ring and ring and doesn't pick up but hey, I fulfilled my obligation, I tried..

Then a lil while later he calls again, I get it and what has he been pestering me about nonstop???

Even though he had me there in person? A bloody survey! Yeesh, could have so easily emailed it to me.

What a dope, I couldn't respect him less than I already do!

The weather keeps changing, hot, cold, hot, cold and if there is another heatwave, it will be stifling.

I rely on my blankie so much. I do wish it was longer though, I have to keep tucking my feet in to get the warmth.

But it really soothes the pains so much. I haven't even used the heated massager as much because I don't feel I need as much.

In summer times though, I can't think of any alternative that will be a great pain relief substitution.

It feels so unnatural to fall asleep without a covering on top of me.

Maybe I'll put some icy bottles near me, although they do tend to melt quickly.

I also need to get a face wash, I'm sure the Biore one is almost finished, I thought I had some spare ones actually but nope, probably forget to get some.

I would like to try something new but I hope it doesn't have the scrubby beads, ick!!

The lump is the same and I can't tell if the dark acne scars are fading, my face looks really wonderful and clear, my nails keep growing but chipping.

I do feel less like a zombie and my body feels less delicate but I wonder if the three periods happened this month because of multivitamin intake......

The more I taste of the Nutrigums, the less I like it. It's quite bitter and strong. The hair one was much nicer.

It's the fact that you have to chew it and experience that tang which is off-putting.

Something else I wanted to add relating to yesterday's post is that I don't expect people to be perfect around me but certain things do bother me and I've noticed a lot and I shouldn't have to put up with someone being thoughtless.

For example if I share something personal and the response isn't a kind or caring word, that affects me.

Don't go overboard but just saying ummm... Thanks for being open, or that's tough, makes a world of difference, otherwise I feel I am talking to myself.

I divulged something and the response was......... Ok, well try anyway!

Ughhh!!! I'm not looking for a therapist or to fixed but some understanding sure.

How can I possibly spoil someone and be loving if I feel unheard???

It's like the walls just go back up and I feel underappreciated. Why give myself to a person who isn't showing me they deserve it?

Being alone is so much easier in many ways. Have a delicious weekend and I'll see you Monday.

(At least that's the plan)..

#BlogLife160 - A face of lies

Why do you feel you have to lie and put on a happy face? 

Who are you doing it for, the outside world or yourself?

Do you think it helps to fabricate the truth? 

Do you hope that, the fiction will become a reality?

Are you afraid people won't care?

I know I don't usually bombard you with questions but it's something you should think about. I see it a lot through volunteering and general life.

I ask the question, how are you doing? Oh I'm fantastic. I delve deeper and the fascade quickly drops.

Actually, I am not doing so good, in fact, I am struggling and lost. Why not say that at the beginning?

Why is there such a pressure to feign happiness?? Why don't we feel comfortable saying...

You really want to know how I am doing? The honest to goodness truth? The heart of the matter?

AWFUL. I am burdened by the weight of it all. Do you know how rough it is, to deal with everything on my plate plus pretend that I'm cheerful?

I know, I know, it is easier, quicker and more convenient to tell people what they want to hear but to those that care and genuinely want to know..

Consider being honest and saying.. Firstly thanks for asking and secondly. I'm not sure. You can test the waters and see if they are kind enough to prompt you for more details..

At least you will know then, that they truly care and want to know, unless you sneak a peek at them and they seem preoccupied themselves..

I've been there......Too many times to count and in that case, some self healing can help and go a long way. You can step back for me-time and not bury your problems and help others..

(Which I am frequently guilty of doing)! Hey, this is a do as I should, not a do as I do :D

But I'm a big believer in venting and sharing in whatever capacity it takes, writing letters to yourself, journalling, vlogging, or finding your own medium.

An outlet through exercise or art. Whatever it takes to release it. It doesn't have to be a traditional route, just be healthy and conscious and feel safe.

#BlogLife116 - I'm not a talker

I've mentioned this before that I am more comfortable in the role of a listener but let's explore than in more depth. I just took a wonderful gritty chat on the support system and that was why I volunteered in the first place.

Certain horrible things I can relate to, so I'm not just nodding my head and saying there there, it's get'll better soon, dry your tears. 

I'm saying look, I may not be able to fix it or improve your mood but I have a few ideas on what may help and these are tried and tested so I know what I am talking about.

Case in point, the person was feeling heard and validated and they requested another session. One per day, is so much more manageable than four or more. Yikes.

Anyway I can stand or sit and talk with a friend or a stranger but about random details, not anything particularly personal. I feel okay in that instance.

The minute it starts to get real and I have to share something that is not typical and run of the mill conversation, is where I really struggle.

These topics can be sensitive/non-sensitive. It is basically the opening up in general. I just have this constant voice saying, protect yourself.

Hold back! Are you sure you want to reveal that? You know that they are just going to throw it back in your face and twist it around?!

I am so used to this negative behaviour that is ingrained to be shut off and communicate minimally. One example is, I told one of the randoms that I dated a married guy.

Which again, is something I am not proud of but it happened and I can say it out loud but it was also during a horrendously stressful time in my life.

I was alone and I needed support which I was not getting from anybody. Not friends, not family, no-one and he provided what was missing in my life so that I had a reason to get up in the mornings.

I had something to smile about finally amongst all the murky darkness and depression. It wasn't perfect but I needed a lifeline like you wouldn't believe.

As you can imagine it's a prickly topic for me and he just trashed my character in an instant and I cried silently because that is what happens.

It always occurs. I open up and give a piece of myself, hoping to be understood and comforted and respected and instead I get a verbal slap and a disgusted response.

It's just not safe. I should point out that he did profusely apologise and I did accept it but it was noteworthy. I just find that at times I am told to carry the conversation.

I feel like I have to choose a subject and just make it fascinating. I can do that with a few things but certain areas I just feel foolish because I am just guessing.

I really can't stand to just be in the spotlight while I am floundering. I want to look smart and full of insight because if I don't, someone comes along and rips me apart.

I don't know how relationships work. I've never been in one. I know nothing about cars or sports because they hold no enjoyment for me.

Stop asking me to tackle something that I have no earthly interest in. I have to be perceived as knowledgeable because otherwise I'm just going to be criticised.

I am so sick of being on the defence and angry so let me be comfortable and stick to things that I actually can relay back in a quirky way.

That is where my strength comes from. I need to relax and be myself and not have to impress you. I am okay with me as a person, with all of my faults.

I accept them so why don't you?

#BlogLife115 - Do people mind being mentioned on your blog?

Good question imagination. I think family would mind, as they don't come out in a flattering light. Even if it is all true. Best they don't know about it, they would just deny it all anyway.

Friends I am not sure if they would care either way. As for the recommended blogs, the bloggers haven't said anything. I don't know if they would be concerned.

I don't even know if I should remove one of them. It seems like a dead blog. Good start and then it petered out. I prefer current, active blogs to showcase.

I mean I understand maintaining a blog is difficult, you have to put the time in and be inspired but it's nice when the effort is made.

I did like having a couple of blog options available though. Maybe before I remove, I should find a replacement to add instead so it looks fuller?

The acquaintances are a mixed breed. Half of them demand to be acknowledged on the blog.

They want recognition and to be someone significant in my life and for others to know that. Whereas the opposites do not want their names or any reference to them posted here.

They want to be private and discreet, away from the spotlight or anyone reading the blog but honestly it is not a huge place. It's not famous and on any recommended pages so the chances of it being connected to them are slim to none.

Part of me feels like they have something to hide or they already acknowledge to themselves that their behaviour is imperfect and the other side thinks, well I can understand it because I wouldn't like my conversations broadcast to the world either.

I told them all that I would never use anyone's whole name. I would just stick to the initial. For my own reference sake. I think that is fair.

It's not a spite thing. A lot of the times, I just feel really muddled up and I can't find any peace or solutions but somehow when I write it out.

It all seems to make better sense to me and I can easily draw conclusions that previously were eluding me. That's why I find it helpful and I can reread it and think, yea I understand it all better now.

I'm not sure why but I still feel exhausted and stiff today. I have the heat massager rotating on my back and it feels wonderful.

I really have to start doing it regularly because I don't like feeling as though I have no energy and my body is just tense and limited with movements.

The unbiased wattpad vote

There is a lot to like about wattpad, it certainly gives new shy writers a chance to upload and share their work with others. I'm so glad there isn't a registration fee. 

They have clubs and tools to help you if you are unsure and they explain most of it so that it becomes clearer.

I signed up to read the vast array of stories and wondered if I would ever publish something of my own. 

The view system they have is really screwed up. Every time you upload a chapter save it and then see it, it counts as a view, so basically you will wonder if someone is actually reading your book or if it is just yourself editing. 

(The same with blogger even though I had checked the *Don't track me views* box).

Today however I have gotten my first random read and vote for chapters one and two. A vote is basically just a thumbs up to say they liked it. 

It so took me by surprise because I wasn't expecting it so soon after yesterdays name change. 

The original title was too long and clunky and I was never 100% happy with it but everything just seemed taken so I left it for the time being, until I began brainstorming and out of nowhere thought of a name that sounded intriguing (I hoped).

I do have a good friend of mine reading the chapters and giving me her take but a part of me feels she might be the slightest bit bias and a stranger is more likely to be brutal and tell you straight, *Hey I loved it or I despised it*

It does give me a warm feeling and fills me with confidence because that is the scary thing about sharing a part of you to the world, someone can just bring your world crashing down in one sentence.

I'm relieved my first wattpad read was a supportive one.

I don't think I'll mind people disliking it, I'm more afraid of being called *talentless or fraud* Call yourself a writer...........blah blah. 

I think that would sting more than someone saying, *Ok well I read some of it and it wasn't what I'm used to, so thanks but I think I'll go elsewhere...*

Despite all that can or will happen, I will risk it all with a brave face and a silent hope that there will be more people that enjoy it and get into the story and characters that I've developed.

The uncertainty in writing

The idea for a book just seemed so simple and straightforward but the more I write the more complex it becomes, which scares me really because what if I can't do it justice?

I tried to write a book before on several occasions but it just never felt right. I was writing about things I had no clue about and my characters just felt alien to me.

That's why I couldn't get into it and abandoned it but I kept trying to reinvent it without success, so I gave up on the book idea until now.

This time around I wasn't even thinking about writing but a friend asked me to do a collaboration with him. He had a great writing technique but I hated his main character.

Nonetheless joining forces with someone sounded like an easier proposition than trying to write by myself so I agreed. 

He told me to come up with a few ideas and I did but he rejected most of them saying they were unappealing and contrived.

I however loved one of my ideas so much that it began to grow and develop and I thought to myself..

I don't need someone being critical when it seems they are doing nothing at all except being negative, so I broke away and started to concentrate on my own story and that's when it was formed.

I now can get my teeth into my story and characters and they are alive to me. I never had that before and I actually like doing my own thing and going with my gut instincts regarding storylines and character development. 

Writing a book is new to me though so it is stressful at times. I try to include about 600-800 words per chapter and that to me feels just right. Not too long or short.

Writing male characters will definitely be a challenge because I'm used to writing about females only but I shall try to do them justice in my own unique way.

Wattpad

I started writing a story on Anonyme because it just came to me and I liked the idea. 

There have been a few reads but no comments so I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I wanted a wider audience and so decided to publish and continue writing on the wattpad website instead of here. 

It feels more real there, having to write a blurb of what it entails and properly outlining the chapters. Plus giving it a title. 

I still don't know if I have any talent but I feel brave and excited publishing what I've written so far and just when I think I have no more ideas, up pop plenty, leading me in directions I would not have previously considered.

I was already a member so signing in wasn't a problem. I just felt very nervous publishing something that means a lot to me, knowing that anyone now had the possibility to criticize and tell me I have no skills. 

I sent the first couple of chapters to a friend of mine though and she seemed to enjoy them but maybe she was just being polite. 

Who knows really, but writing is something that brings me out of my shell. It makes me want to put myself out there and share my hidden thoughts and feelings. 

To be more engaging and risk sharing a part of me that no-one else sees.

Maybe the old me isn't entirely lost after all.

I've stalled a bit on the book writing. It's taken an unexpected twist and although I like it and it seems different, it's not realistic at all but a friend of mine who I thought was peeved with me has agreed to look it over and give an honest opinion back.

That's encouraging - providing I can muster up the courage to actually let him read it but before then I have to figure out if how I am going to get around writing a sex scene that I don't want to write but that is integral to the story.

What is really making me roll my eyes is now the fact that I am writing this story, people want to read it, they like the sound of the description which is flattering and it's making me cringe to let them read it but I have sent the link to several people and none of them have bothered. 

Excuse after excuse, yea I'll read it tomorrow, tomorrow comes and things arise.

I'm not asking them to drop everything but instead take five sodding minutes and read a few paragraphs, see if it's something that appeals and then just tell me "Oh its boring as hell or hmm not bad but could use some work." 

I ended up telling one guy not to bother because if he said he would read it later one more time I think I would have happily kicked him in the nuts!!

This writing project means something to me, I'm not in the big leagues and I'm not calling myself a writer but I am finding my voice and risking embarrassment by wanting to share an exaggerated part of me.

 I don't really talk about my feelings, my worries, my insecurities. I just live my life and try to figure a way to be strong and confident and less introverted.

Far better to let some strangers read my work and have them thumb it down than have someone I know do it. 

Would have been nice to get a male perspective, especially as my character is maybe less likeable than a typical sweet woman trying to find her way in life.

At least if someone does seek out the story they will have genuine interest and not just be reading it to score brownie points with me.

I hate writing the dialogue bits, I never know what to say. I think for peoples thoughts you are supposed to write them in italics. I will get round to doing that later and as for trying to be confident in writing.. 

I read that you are suppose to practice writing often, show others your work (well that's a bust if they don't want to read it) and ignore your inner critic if it stops you from trying.

Oh yea and for blogging they recommended writing short punchy pieces lol. I hate short blogs, I feel like I am just getting into reading it and it's over. 

I don't think any of my blogs are short, I love to ramble too much :)

Well I'm on chapter 11 now and I know I need to flesh out the characters I'm making up which I can do, I just don't want to share too much about them. 

I'm trying to be purposely vague and hope that it eventually it will all come together and make sense. These unconventional people who are friends and yet know things that others don't.

Another thing that was advised to get more views, was to link it to social media, which I thought about doing for five seconds and then that whole funny feeling came over. 

Losing every bit of privacy I have. Sharing it with a wider audience. 

I really am going to have to get over it one day and just be proud and thick skinned about sharing it but that day isn't today!