#BlogLife116 - I'm not a talker

I've mentioned this before that I am more comfortable in the role of a listener but let's explore than in more depth. I just took a wonderful gritty chat on the support system and that was why I volunteered in the first place.

Certain horrible things I can relate to, so I'm not just nodding my head and saying there there, it's get'll better soon, dry your tears. 

I'm saying look, I may not be able to fix it or improve your mood but I have a few ideas on what may help and these are tried and tested so I know what I am talking about.

Case in point, the person was feeling heard and validated and they requested another session. One per day, is so much more manageable than four or more. Yikes.

Anyway I can stand or sit and talk with a friend or a stranger but about random details, not anything particularly personal. I feel okay in that instance.

The minute it starts to get real and I have to share something that is not typical and run of the mill conversation, is where I really struggle.

These topics can be sensitive/non-sensitive. It is basically the opening up in general. I just have this constant voice saying, protect yourself.

Hold back! Are you sure you want to reveal that? You know that they are just going to throw it back in your face and twist it around?!

I am so used to this negative behaviour that is ingrained to be shut off and communicate minimally. One example is, I told one of the randoms that I dated a married guy.

Which again, is something I am not proud of but it happened and I can say it out loud but it was also during a horrendously stressful time in my life.

I was alone and I needed support which I was not getting from anybody. Not friends, not family, no-one and he provided what was missing in my life so that I had a reason to get up in the mornings.

I had something to smile about finally amongst all the murky darkness and depression. It wasn't perfect but I needed a lifeline like you wouldn't believe.

As you can imagine it's a prickly topic for me and he just trashed my character in an instant and I cried silently because that is what happens.

It always occurs. I open up and give a piece of myself, hoping to be understood and comforted and respected and instead I get a verbal slap and a disgusted response.

It's just not safe. I should point out that he did profusely apologise and I did accept it but it was noteworthy. I just find that at times I am told to carry the conversation.

I feel like I have to choose a subject and just make it fascinating. I can do that with a few things but certain areas I just feel foolish because I am just guessing.

I really can't stand to just be in the spotlight while I am floundering. I want to look smart and full of insight because if I don't, someone comes along and rips me apart.

I don't know how relationships work. I've never been in one. I know nothing about cars or sports because they hold no enjoyment for me.

Stop asking me to tackle something that I have no earthly interest in. I have to be perceived as knowledgeable because otherwise I'm just going to be criticised.

I am so sick of being on the defence and angry so let me be comfortable and stick to things that I actually can relay back in a quirky way.

That is where my strength comes from. I need to relax and be myself and not have to impress you. I am okay with me as a person, with all of my faults.

I accept them so why don't you?