Crazy self therapy

Hello. Welcome. Get cosy and brace yourself because this is going to be dark and deep. Help yourself to cookies, tissues and cushions.

How are you?

At the moment I feel sad.

Why?

My hormones are raging. I'm listening to sad songs and I'm reliving a lot of painful memories and realising that I never got to express how I was coping or not coping during those low points.

Why didn't you?

I think my parents themselves weren't in touch with their own emotions. I was always taught to be respectful and turn the other cheek, even though I myself was not afforded the very same curtesy. 

How did that make you feel?

Frustrated, angry, resentful and incapable of any expression.

What happened?

My emotions swirled together and merged to form darkness and depression.

And then?

I found myself withdrawing from people around me. Unable to healthily express what I felt inside. I was always angry and full of sorrow with no outlet and the few people that coaxed me into opening up..

Rejected me. They neither made the time or effort to follow up or understand my pain.

What did you do next?

I was drowning in a sea of emotions and couldn't take it anymore. The final straw was when my brother barged into my room demanding the phone. My mum had told me to hide it in my room. 

He was high on drugs and threatened me if I didn't give it to him. I'm the older sister and yet I was so damn weak. 

I'm taunted by the shame of complying to his wishes and not standing up for myself as his tone changed dangerously and his manner was increasingly psychotic. 

I gave in pretty quickly, handed the phone over, closed my door. Barricaded the bed against the door, cried all night and made the decision to end my nightmare of a life.

Did anyone realise?

No. I didn't leave any trace. I was holed up in my room. Craving an escape and to be invisible. It didn't take and I felt even more pathetic that I couldn't even do that right. Failed once again.

Go on..

In the morning my mother called and the derision in my brothers voice made me feel even lower and more afraid. I didn't want to open the door but my mum insisted she speak to me and could hear in my tone which I tried to mask that I was not ok. 

I wish she/they had kicked them both out but instead when the police raided our home, she stalled and let him flush the drugs away. Covered and protected him, when I needed protection.

Why couldn't I have been liked enough to be shielded against the verbal abuse I faced every day? Being told that I was stupid, fat and to shut up. 

If only the verbal abuse was limited to my siblings, but my parents, cousins and friends hopped on the bandwagon too.

How did the healing begin?

The turning point in my life started from a course I took about counselling. I was always the listener and never the talker so I figured this would suit me.

Although I never wanted to see a therapist myself because it would entail going at their pace, breaking me down and rebuilding me. 

The issue is if I ever broke down fully. I would never recover. I was on a precious tightrope as it was. Barely surviving each day.

At first I stayed quiet and observed everyone else. It was a small friendly group, all supportive and nurturing and it eventually gave me the courage to participate. 

I was again expecting a backlash or indifference but instead I was welcomed and supported. Even prodded to give more of myself.

How did that make you feel?

For the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe. I started to learn about the tools in self expression and how to utilize them in my life.

What was the first thing you did?

Positive affirmations became a part of my daily routine. I rolled my eyes. Refused to do it in front of a mirror. Became very sceptical but my brain started turning negativity into positive thoughts.

I started to tackle my issues one by one and forgave myself when I couldn't manage it at that time. In a short time frame it became second nature and I wasn't merely just saying it. I believed it.

I began to like and accept myself.

What was the result?

I cut out all the toxic people in my life that I could and aside from my family began standing up for myself and realising that I didn't have to resort to anger, revenge or bitterness. I could simply distance myself and walk away.

Anything else?

Part of me wishes I had the courage to confront the family members who tortured my fragile ego. 

Why didn't you?

Fear and I finally realised that nothing they could say could justify the bullying and verbal abuse I suffered through. A few of them had matured and grown.

The rest I suspected would never acknowledge their part in my brokenness. I knew that I had to heal myself and work on being vocal, trusting people and being kind to myself.

Thanks for sharing all that with me. You have grown up a lot from the frightened girl you used to be. Keep expressing yourself and forgive yourself for what you perceive as weakness. 

You battled and survived it and that is something to be proud of. The pain you face isn't going anywhere so work to understand it. If you ever need to talk, my door is always open. 

Take care.