#BlogLife950 - Disliked for my gender?

Dear Moi,

As usual I would have loved more sleep but 9amish was when I really woke up properly and that was it. 

P told me he injured himself and is getting checked out, nothing major and he's in good spirits, still hope he's ok though and I appreciated him telling me.

It got me to thinking of the silliest but excruciatingly painful incident that happened when I was pre teen..

The door rang and for some reason I was so excited to get it. I don't recall who it was and why I was so giddy but I ran barefoot and somehow smacked into the door and chipped a bone in my lil toe.

I didn't even get to open the door, I just hobbled back hopping in agony and what sticks out, is the lack of compassion or sympathy..

As my Mama said, it's your own fault, you brought this on yourself. I remember thinking I am in so much pain, probably crying at that point and you can't even be nice to me...

Looking back I don't recall any instances where she was hyper critical to my male siblings, it was just me and there is a long pattern of blame and disgust for me being human and making errors.

When I was on my first weight loss journey, there wasn't many options that were affordable in the stores, so I tried on a jacket maybe and it was an inch too small.

She looked so repulsed at me with a grunt. The implication being, Cripes, Why are you like this? Why can't you be skinny like the other females in the family?

I felt so low and I think the self loathing was already present but there was anger and resentment that I couldn't express because she was the one that was obsessed with my weight and gave me a complex in the first place.

I felt like I could not get her approval until I began to skip meals, exercise all day and was fainting a lot.

The reason I am calling it a gender issue is because she compared me to her favourite nieces that were skinny and popular but also my siblings that were male and popular..

My siblings were nasty human beings to me, bullied, threatened and made me a terrified silent shell of myself.

But because they were popular, they were admired and celebrated. 

I was sensitive and struggled to communicate with anyone, so forming attachments was too challenging and still is, as I get used for my kindness and then ignored when I need something.

This still weighs on my mind as it is ongoing. The fractured relationship with my Mama has less appeal to be repaired.

I like being a woman, I mostly do like myself but I have gotten to the point where family or not, I think I would rather be alone in life than being critiqued and feeling like I'm barely seen or tolerated.

What is it about me, that causes distaste? 

Yes I make mistakes, Yes, I'm sensitive, Yes I'm unable to form friendships or relationships because I can't stand being vulnerable or talking or opening up around others, only in safe written form. Anonymously.

Were you expecting me to be a perfect doll? Pretty, skinny, well adjusted, popular, confident and outspoken? 

I wonder if both my parents would have preferred their only daughter to be male, I'm beginning to realise that's the way it appears..

Disgusting behaviour, rudeness and arrogance were favoured because what? They had a lot of friends and were ambitious to the outside world?

But behind close doors...... Shouting to get their way, intimidation, silencing and thievery happened.

Did my parents look back and genuinely think, You know what the bad traits we can tolerate and forgive but our daughter we can not..

She is not like us, she does not belong in our family. She is anti social, not trusting, doesn't have friends, is pathetically long term sick and has no ambition or purpose in life.

That is inexcusable to us, We will show out distaste for her and revere the males as they represent us favourably.....

It's funny to me, my eyes are watery admitting all of this because you emotionally stole the confidence out of me.

Yet you wanted me to be better and stronger, it backfired on you because I felt kicked when I was utterly defenceless.

Your sons made me unable to trust anyone. Especially any males.

Yet you kept saying, ignore it. You kept saying Don't eat too much. You kept saying/implying Who you are, isn't good enough.

I know nobody will ever love me for me, only I will accept myself as imperfect.

I know I am good enough as I am but I failed to meet your impossible standards and I don't want to serve myself up anymore for your inspection.

You, my family are the cause of staying invisible for most of my life and I'm sick of the living in the shadows..

I want to walk in the daylight proudly and be seen and accepted and respected. Is that too much to ask?

#BlogLife400 - If Twitter dies.... *400th blogaversary post*

Happy 400th Blogaversary!!

Song of the day - Kool and the Gang - Celebration

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

How are all you sixteen wonderful readers doing? Yup I mean every single one of you?

Moi? Well me personally, I'm good thanks. It's amazing what switching off the phone and getting some decent blocks of sleep will do.

The nausea/cramps still come and go but I've stopped throwing up so that's a great thing.

I wish that I could have surprised you with a completed story but I'm just not there yet.

I think, I know that's why I was more realistic about finishing them at the end of the year, that's more doable as I'm juggling things on a daily basis now.

One of the things I'm looking forward to in December is wearing my red perfume.

It can be worn anytime but because it's red and has this sweet sort of flowery musk to it, it just reminds me of Christmas.

I have a daily version which is blue and that's another favourite. They're all just Elizabeth Taylor types as I've turned them into my signature scents.

They're just feminine and classy and give my senses a boost. I should really do a vocal introduction everytime there is a milestone post but I've already forgotten how to do it.

I know that I said I would read a post or story but I get sooo nervous that I get tongue-tied and stumble over words or just laugh because my face is bright red and I can't disguise it in person.

Even surrounded by family and friends, even if it's over the phone, I still just feel self-conscious.

I'm not sure why, maybe because the focus is solely on me and my blog is so personal that it feels weird to put myself on display in front of people?

Here on blogger I can tuck myself away and nobody can see me or know my identity and that's freeing, which is the opposite to how I've always felt.

Normally my tactic would be to avoid talking about myself and direct questions at the other person and distract them and I would say that it works well because opening myself up, to this day, is still a challenge.

I don't want to get too technical about the title. Twitter has changed hands and under the new management, the employers left because change was dictated.

So the service remains in peril. That's just to explain the title, I'm not getting more into it.

But out of Facebook and Twitter, I really do prefer the latter. It's just nice to have mini vents to air out my grievances and then I can forget all about it and move on to the next crisis.

Plus I use it to advertise the new posts and share what's going on with me.

I never ever did that with Facebook. I tried to get into it but I just couldn't.

If the worst happens, either I'll find an alternative or I will just use Facebook to advertise myself.

I've just googled some alternatives and Mastodon seems to be the highest recommended platform.

At least I have options. I'll also miss the Twitter competitions but again, there is always Facebook for that.

I have a whole week of not needing to go out for anything and I'm so relieved.

My body is not painfully aching all over but there's a section which has been hurting for a few days now.

I think it's more when I'm on my feet and walking around, it tends to twinge and I don't know if it will fade away or get more intense.

I'm wrapped up in my heated blankie as usual as it's freezing this morning and the warmth helps my bones, which is one of the reasons that I love winter.

I don't really like to get up earlier than 10am as a few hours later I'm sleepy, I woke up at 9amish and it's 11:32am and I'm already feeling tired.

As I was preparing breakfast, which I don't usually eat, but I cooked because I was sooo cold.

My brain was chattering on about today's post. (Ok at this point, I fell asleep).

I was trying to be really good and post this in the morning but I was yawning so much, that I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

Growing up I started off normal, chattering away and then lil by lil I was made to feel shame and seen as an outcast.

It started with my immediate family and was amplified by cousins, aunts and eventually friends.

I was silenced alot mid sentences and received snide comments that were muttered under the breath.

Are you really wearing that?

That's your opinion on that?

Why do you think that? We all agree on the other way?

Oh I know you don't understand this but we all do and it's hilarious....!

Oh you can't/refuse to do this? Well, we all do so it's going to be done!

My personal favourite...... Are you really going to eat that? Umm do you really think you should?

When we're in public, pretend you don't know me, don't embarrass me!!

You know it took me a long time to realise, this.. That I was being bullied.

This was the point where, instead of being excited to share my views, volunteer to my put hand up and join in, I felt stupid.

I constantly felt like that, even to this day. I'm very conscious of what I say and to a degree, how I act.

I do not want to be ridiculed! I can make fun of myself and admit my mistakes and I'm alright with that but if someone is mean about it, I don't accept that.

It was at this point, my mama was pushing me to socialise because I didn't realise why I had difficulty making friends.

I didn't want to say anything at this point, just in case, it was perceived as nonsense.

I didn't know how to look inwards. I didn't know, why I didn't want to talk or socialise.

I just knew that I wanted to be seen as smart and funny and sweet and I just felt foolish.

I convinced myself that I was doing something wrong, to make people treat me badly.

It couldn't be their fault, right?

My voice was spoken at the normal level and then it got softer, quieter and eventually sorta disappeared into a whisper...

One instance is this, we were at a family gathering. We were all outside playing games.

I have no idea what the new game was but I didn't want to participate so instead I was the host.

I don't know if I was reading questions, or judging submissions but my voice was a whisper and I didn't consciously know this.

People were saying can you speak up, we can't understand you and then everyone said it and I stood up and said something like....

Well if my voice isn't good enough for you, then find someone else!!

I think that was one of the few times I actually stood up to them and I realise this was a silly thing to make a stand about.

They weren't particularly being cruel, maybe their were some whispers about....Hmm her in charge?? Really??

But I ignored all that and started to have fun, I think. I remember this because this was at a pre-teen time, when I didn't confront anybody mistreating me at all.

I think in my own ways, I was rebelling in random outbursts. I wasn't really furious. 

I just thought for once, couldn't they get off my back and say job well done but so and so really wants to take over, instead of once again, hurting my feelings?

I recall sitting in that room alone and nobody for ages, checked up on me.

They eventually did and I rejoined them or said I would babysit while they continued playing..

When I got into my teenage years, that's when I pieced together some of it, that people weren't treating me respectfully and I tried to avoid them.

But my mama who was heavily into religion, pushed me to hang out with them, even though I explained how unhappy and depressed they made me feel.

It was this struggle of, maybe I'm overreacting to their cruelty? Or am I? I should forgive them and let them walk all over me because religion dictates I be a bloody doormat!!!!

And this went on for years. Until once again, I decided to take a weird stand.

My mama was furious but it served her right!! It was a celebration, maybe it was my birthday so my mama invited the cousins that I despised at this point over.

I told her I wanted nothing to do with them. First and maybe second cousins, something like that.

I holed up in my room, refusing to come down, to the bewilderment and great mortification of my mama.

She was horrified and inside I was pleased but once again, seen to be this drama queen.

One by one, everyone came up, "acted sweetly" Oh hey, what's up?

Can I do anything for you? It's more fun if you join us... I think I barely said a few words. I didn't even look at them!

Which consisted of.... No thanks. I'm good and that was it. You see I still couldn't confront them and say, do you really want to know why I'm being like this???

It's because you treat me like dirt. You belittle me, laugh at me and don't even know I'm aware of what dicks you all are!!!

Eventually people mature, even though gossip just flies around, same as ever...

Some of them changed but I think because they never apologised or felt bad about treating me horribly..

I distanced myself and whenever they suggested getting together I made up excuses, that they were insulted by but never had the courage to ask.... Why??!!

I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself but I've made progress and will continue to try and improve my bad habits.

I know I've said some of this before but I really just didn't like myself and didn't know why and I do love myself now.

I'm proud of me and each time I say that, it's significant because I never thought I would feel that way, ever.

I hope this explains why my heart and brain constantly try to protect me from people because I don't ever want to loathe myself ever again.

I don't want to disappear into the abyss of depression that I grew up in but family does this to me and they continue to steal my joy and peace.

But in my own way, I'm fighting the hold they have over me and constantly learning to say NO!

#BlogLife260 - Eye on the prize

No matter how careful I am contact lenses always slip through my fingers. I had a dreadful morning when one just disappeared while I was trying to insert it in my eye.

At first I thought it was inside but in the wrong place. The thing about losing them means you need both frigging eyes to find them again.

My technique is I find as much as light as I can, try not to move and feel and shine it in the immediate areas. If that doesn't work I expand slowly and try not to step on it, in case it is laying on the floor.

There are times when it's on the clothes I am wearing so I stand carefully try to feel for it and if unsuccessful, I shake and see if it comes loose in a targeted area.

That is what happened today, as soon as I shook, I saw a glint of colour and noticed it, thankfully. I really didn't feel like making an appointment to replace it.

Iceland has run out of Always maxi pads and those are really the only brand I prefer to use. The rest are too thin and not absorbent enough.

I forgot to purchase some in the market and don't really want to walk that 20 minute painful distance to get them but I fear I may have too.

I have some at home, a few packets but I always fret that I will run out. I hope they return and that the anti bacterial hand sanitizers come back too.

I am down to my last one and don't wish to pay £3 for a bottle. The gel version is cheaper but lingers on the hand, the spray immediately disappears without a trace, which is why I love it.

I guess I can check on Ebay or Amazon. Hmm Ebay is overpriced and Amazon seems to be more reasonable to get a multi pack and save money with postage costs.

I still feel a lil unsettled truthfully. Being told what to do is akin to being bullied, especially when there isn't a choice.

I can stand my ground and disagree but memories flood into my mind of when I didn't have a say at all and just shrank away.

I felt powerless and scared. This is not the same situation but I still feel unnerved. As though somebody is going to come along and take my voice away again and I can't cope with that.

It's a process and I'll just have to ride it out. I made my objections clear and they were mostly respected but I think it boils down to a white lie.

"I was just joking."

Which I don't feel is the case in some elements because this person has tried to force my hand, many times and I have refused and they persist and it's not respecting my boundaries.

Then suddenly they back off but always with a parting shot. As though that justifies it and it doesn't.

Give your opinion and say, well what I like, what is best for me is.... This path right here.

I don't know if it is the same for you but I hope it is. My wish is that it benefits you and so I recommend it but only if that is the right thing for you to do.

I've said my opinion and I'll back off now, what you choose to do next is completely up to you and I will accept your decision, without prejudice, thanks for hearing me out!!

See that above, is what I need to hear, not that judgemental bs.

My opinion is law and you will abide by it!

Go screw yourself!!!

#BlogLife148 - If I keep slapping you and say I'm sorry, does it count?

Hey all. How's it going? What's new? Okay back to me. I have noticed an increasing amount of people making continuous errors and hurting others but expecting forgiveness.

So I can't help but wonder, would you let someone off the hook if they kept hurting you but were always apologetic afterwards? Does it make it right?

Is it appeasing you somewhat? Better an act of self reflection than none at all, correct? Or is it helpful for them to actually step out, take a moment and say.....

Wow I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I don't forgive myself, let alone expect you too. I was out of order and forgot myself.

I'm going to take real steps to find out how to fix this and treat you with respect from now on. Then and only then will I possibly earn your forgiveness..

Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? You have let this person damage you and either have not spoken up or have not made any threats for them to change.

But there is always time to stand firm and make your position clear and you can say to me but S, why don't you do the same huh?

You give us this great advice but I don't see you following through with your family? Why is that? Seems like a double standard to me....

I was thinking about this today. I guess I figured out stuff or am ready to share my findings.

The truth is that growing up as I did, where I had no expression, nobody found anything wrong with that. I wasn't ever encouraged to talk more or join in.

My parents and siblings who all bullied me, found a comfort in keeping me silent. Either they weren't aware of it or they were but didn't care.

My siblings verbally harassed me to the point where I feared for my life. I expected to die at their hands or my own. It was just something I had in the back of mind for a very long time.

My parents on the other hand didn't see that their whole negative criticisms of me were so harmful that I sunk lower and lower and lower.

With those two sets of attacks I had/have no recourse because they see nothing wrong with that behaviour and it continues to this day.

I personally see no point in confronting them because it's like talking to a wall of ignorance. Nothing get's through and if for a second it did.

I know the response would be..........

Hmmm, really. Well it happened a long time ago, so time to forgive and forget. Everybody else has moved on and you're the one immature person still holding a grudge.

Get over yourself please because we're are all tired of you blaming us and not taking responsibility for being a good lil victim who she keep her damn mouth shut!!!!

I realise for sure that is what I would hear because I have tried and instead of them holding up their hands and admitting fault, saying you know what...?

Wow, you girl are speaking facts. It was hard for you growing up and I should be more tolerant and treat you better.

I am still held accountable for not letting it go. Bullying is bullying it destroys from the inside out. I don't care it happened a long time ago but still occurs now.

It makes no difference as it still affects how I see myself and that there are times I think of myself as subpar.

I want to know, why I must be the grownup and say, it's acceptable that you treated me like I wasn't worth anything and let's be friends again.

Let us go back to me being deathly afraid that I would die. Let me go back to not expressing myself or disagreeing.

I'll just sit here and panic and wish I were dead laying in the ground instead of watching what I say and do because you control the household and I am a puppet.

F*ck you and f*ck the hell off!!!!

#BlogLife125 - Dear bully 4/The silent onlooker.. (fictionish) *Mature audiences only*

I put my hand up. Can I say something?

Who said you could look at me, let alone speak? Be quiet until I acknowledge your existence.

I really think I could help. I know things. Maybe you didn't realise th-

*Walks towards me* I cannot physically kill you but I wish you were dead. 

You are pointless and I will remind you every day that whatever you think and feel and realise will make you even more useless and imbecilic to not only me but everyone else and yourself.

*I fold my arms angrily* You're wrong! I have significance in this world and my contributions are worthwhile.

You probably didn't hear me so I will repeat myself. You possess no importance at all. 

When we are outside, stay away from me and do not let anyone know we are related in any shape or form.

*Applauds softly* Thank you, finally you said something we can agree on. 

I now despise you as much as you hate me. I would never wish you on anyone and hope you expire alone!

You are part of the reason for my fear of men and people. You made it so that I couldn't speak. 

Everything was internal. I looked but I didn't dare talk.

I wasn't allowed to discover life or who I was. I just had to curse myself for being born into this life of dread.

Don't speak

Don't smile

Don't be happy

Don't be sure of yourself

Don't engage

Don't let your guard down

Run away

Find safety

Find help

Resign yourself to being around atrocities

Keep trying to exit gracefully, it has to eventually work..... If the pills don't do it, the knife will. If that isn't successful, starvation will.

People try to make friends with me but I can't speak. I don't know how to communicate.

Part of me thinks that I wish you had murdered me, the way you annihilated my soul. I mean that would have been over and done with.

But instead each day was verbal torture. People kept asking if I was being abused at home but it wasn't physical, so that was acceptable?!

That's normal? Being verbally abused every day is routine, right? Is it something to shrug off and deal with? 

Except I couldn't. So here is my voice. Here are my actions and words and answers.

I wish you were permanently gone so I never have to hear your name again or that you had suffered the same fate you put me through. 

Hate doesn't begin to cover it all. You made my life full of danger.

You bashed in all my belief in myself.

You struck me psychologically with the words..... *SHUT UP* at every interval in which I attempted some form of expression.

You hunted me for sport and made me think I would be beaten up regularly.

You hammered in the same phrases. Your efforts are for nothing and I will turn everyone against you.

Outside you smiled, were well mannered and joked around. 

People always remarked, wow, what a wonderful person, you are so lucky to have him around.

He isn't here? Awww I miss him. How is he doing?

This is what I wanted to say. You are all gullible idiots who are falling for his act. 

Yet me, who is trying my best to fit and be one of you lot is outcast as intolerable.

The reason why?? I have zero conviction in myself. I can't share, I can't let you in and be normal. 

I can't be smiley and carefree because I live at home with destruction.

I loathe him and all of you for not seeing behind his mask of duplicity. You see what you want to see. Hear what you prefer too.

This is why I disappeared. If you can't tell the difference between fake and genuine and that I am the wholesome party, then you are as dead to me as he is.

Anything else is just gossip for everyone to laugh at. The rage and disgust I feel for you is limitless. 

My life was locking myself in my room and sobbing, that was it and wanting to not be here or anywhere.

Do you get it yet? Do you comprehend now why I have to be safe at all times? 

Why I can never give out my address? Why I could never again go back to being hounded like prey??

I have had enough emotional kicks and being stomped on. Yet it never goes away. 

It lives and breathes in my mind. That is what pernicious does, it lingers.....

It should fade but it just get's stronger because I was never seen, the real me was never sought out and loved. 

I continue to search for her...

#BlogLife102 - Back to my woman cave

Snap, scream, yell part two because I don't know who is the parent and who is the child anymore, demanding attention from me with the loudest voice possible!

I can fully hear you. I heard the entire phone conversation. I just want some peace to stew about being mad at myself for not being more diligent and being without a working phone.

Just don't relay everything back to me because it's obvious, what was said and you can continue having the same topic of discussion with about ten people when it isn't even your business to relay.

The thing is she is used to me being mild and quiet and taking her nonsense but I have already reached my limit and my mood continues to dangerously climb because I am irritated and hormonal and just fed up of waiting for the idiot mail to arrive.

I actually would like to cut my visit short and I may do it but not until after the celebrations and are over and I realise I am being a less than perfect guest..

But again someone shouting dictations at me, will not be tolerated. Yes I am easy going but not while there is no reprieve from the heat and no way to have a quiet space to breathe.

Normally I would go to the randoms but to be frank, that is not appealing. I think I just need to process it internally. I am angry though as it feels like she is deliberately pushing my buttons knowing that I normally don't argue back.

It's a form of taking advantage of me and she does this a lot but not today. I will not accept it. I just need to find something to soothe my nerves and hope that she leaves me be.

I could see she was shocked when I shouted back but take the hint, there was a reason I put my headphones on and haven't said much.

I am not in the mood for company, especially the type that is screaming at me. I am trying to relieve my stress but now I feel guilty for being disrespectful.

I will apologise but not yet. I'm going to visualise opening my front door walking into silence and taking a deep breath knowing I would just plonk down on my bed and hug my pillow.

Then I would turn the speed up on my fan and feel the icy breeze on my face, as It is delightfully powerful. Well since I wrote all this out, things have calmed down.

My charger arrived as you know, well the second one, first has not. Her fan that I bought her 5 years ago just died and she accused me of breaking it.

Told me... How ridiculous to have it on all night. Yea silly me, even though she has a glorious ceiling fan in her room, that she has on all night.....

How dare I  get a weak calming breath of breezy air to help me sleep in this awful humidity. It's a rechargeable fan, no electricity costs, unlike hers.

I think I'm just hormonal, tired and cranky. Monday can't come soon enough. We made up and I replaced the fan, as I do with most things that she requires, without asking.

And I don't mind it. I just find her attitude towards me hyper critical and she is one of the reasons I struggle with self esteem issues for all my life.

Because the others borrow money and disrespect her and they are just perfect in her eyes. They can do no wrong but me, who cares and does a lot of little things and then occasionally messes up.....

I am the one that get's verbally abused. I get shouted at and my faults thrown back in my face and I have reached my limit. It's not acceptable to be singled out and victimised because I am the quiet one who always takes it!!!

I have endured it all my life but not anymore. She won't ever say anything to the others out of fear but me being mild mannered she will take it out on me, which I let her.

Correction which I formally allowed her to do but not anymore. It seems like the first time I stood up to her but probably isn't. I feel great though.

We have of course made amends and I am hoping that from now on, she will think twice before harassing me, just because she could so easily do it, without any consequences, whatsoever!

#BlogLife35 - Dear Bully 3

"You held my self-esteem in your hands and you crushed it." 

I love this quote from This Is Us, the television show. There are so many pieces from sitcoms that speak to me. I know it's just fiction but I feel like some issues I just hide, even from myself.

The character Kate was in an emotionally abusive relationship and as an older woman, she tracks him down and says things she never did before. 

She confronted her bully and I never will. She had one person that destroyed her confidence. I had everyone and everything that did it for me.

Why?

I'll never know why I was the brunt of these attacks. All I do know is that I was quiet and for that reason, onlookers perceived me as being harmless and ignorant.

They didn't realise I was observing and taking it all in and processing it, in my own way. I never wasted my time, correcting them.

I just rode out the assumption. I opted to hide the power they had over me and not let them see the effects. I may have taken the abuse..

But I refused to let them see how far the destruction was unfolding. It started with my immediate family. They took joy from highlighting my mistakes.

Then it was my aunts and cousins. They just had an opinion on everything, my love life, my appearance..

I love how people close to you, try to mask cruel words with "helpful advice."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you but......."

"You really need to........."

"I don't think this but other people.........."

"Look, it's none of my business but........"

Here is my opinion. Hold your tongue, unless you are genuinely, with a heart full of love, trying to help. Most of the time..

I don't even think information is needed. People just need time to process the events and come to terms with a course of action.

When I think back over my dating history. I kept it all internal. There are only a few accounts where I remember boiling over and screaming.

I know on those occasions I didn't have deep feelings. Those guys were distractions, a way to fill the time where I was away from home.

I don't know what was said exactly. I just know that it was unacceptable and I felt disrespected. I recall feeling nervous and a lil fearful but anger took over.

I had the last word and then left abruptly before they could react. I'm going to recount some instances where I have been terrified.

Back in College I turned up for class and the tutor who always zeroed in on me kept coming in and out of the room. There was no-one else around.

I think people had decided to skip and I figured, I was there to learn so might as well show up. I was looking out the window and I just said..

"Why do you keep leaving and returning?"

Instead of being a professional. His reply was..

"Because I'm afraid to be left alone in a room with you, I might try/do something."

I tensed up so much. I don't know if he was joking or not. The door was open and I wanted to run but I couldn't. Once again I was trapped and freaked out.

I didn't want to be in close proximity to him. Walking out, would have mean't passing him by.

Nothing happened but after that I started avoiding him and I just hardly showed up to his classes. He tracked me down and said I needed to make up a paper.

I would be in his office, all alone, just me and him. I begged a friend to tag along but she had other priorities. Once again, there wasn't anything horrific but I was panicking.

I completed the assignment and left. I remember seeing him on the bus and he smiled at me and I just turned away disgusted.

He cracked a joke. 

"Pah typical. You see that, some people failed my class and avoid me."

I wanted to correct him but I couldn't. My tongue dissolves in these situations. I told my mama and she said I should report him but I didn't.

It was my word against his and it is humiliating to share something, where the response is unsympathetic.

There are way more harassment stories but it is going to have to wait because this post is going on too much.

He was a creep and should have been accountable!

Dear bully 2

I have something to say to you and unfortunately because of your aggressive tone and temperament I am too afraid of you and all men, to say it to your face.

I don't like you. I may even hate you and wish you great personal harm. You never think about how your words and actions impact anyone around you.

Crumbs, what I would give to have absolutely no conscience whatsoever. I think about what I say and do constantly. All you have ever cared about is yourself.

Now you think you have this free pass because you've just been formally diagnosed? I don't give a damn. You are selfish and rude and I live in fear because of the male role models in my life.

From time to time maintenance workers or someone from the gas company needs access to my place and I just hold my breath until the moment they leave.

I cannot relax or feel safe when someone I don't know visits. That isn't normal is it? One time, there was actually two of them because normally it is just one person (typically male).

When they said, we need access to your room for blah blah. I can't even remember, some radiator check. I all but freaked out.

My eyes widened so much, they almost popped out. I wanted to say no, even though they were nice as pie, so I just stood outside the room and held the door open and they did whatever they did and it was fast and painless.

Inwards I was a mess and freaking out completely. I actually feel sorry for them because they have to look into a woman's eyes and know they are causing her to be afraid.

Well I can't speak for anyone else but I still feel nervous. Luckily nowadays there are very few visits and those that are necessary are done by the same person, it makes it more bearable.

I am sick of thinking about you and hearing about your screw ups. I have no compassion for you. From everything you have done, you got off lightly.

Imagine readers, someone that screams and threatens, everytime something isn't immediately done or if you dare disagree with them.

Not only that but if not done to satisfaction, the manner gets increasingly dangerous. I would love to cut you off completely but I am forced to celebrate some holidays with you.

You know what the really messed up thing is? When my own mama said.... Oh he doesn't hold a grudge for you not speaking to him, you should forgive him and don't let it ruin the celebrations.

How the hell am I the bad and unreasonable one for merely wanting to protect myself? Ugh!! I'm done putting your thoughtless needs above my own.

She maybe willing to be a doormat but not me, not anymore. I deserved better and still do. It is like being around poison and no I am not expecting her to cut ties.

I would never ask her to do that but she damn well shouldn't expect me to be hurt again. I wish she would toughen up and deal with it better and I am sick of fighting her battles and getting the backlash from it.

Here's what I want to say to you. You deserve nothing. Noone owes you a damn thing. Try for once in your life to do the right thing.

Take responsibility for your own nonsense. Apologise once in a while when you make mistakes and use your tiny insignificant brain to think before you act.

Mull it over and say to yourself. Hmmm I need to do blah blah, how can I achieve this without stressing the family and making their lives worse??

Let's list your crimes and put it in perspective.

1. Stealing from me and mama.

Going into my room and taking the little cash I possessed and then using mama's cards and buying tons of goods, like computers and such so that mama was in debt and forced to take out loans and struggled to pay the bills.

2. Taking drugs.

Which resulted in late night parties until 3am. Threatening behaviour towards me and mama. Police raids and fines, of which I like an idiot paid once.

3. Straining and dissolving my relationship with my mama.

When I was kicked out. Everything was strained. I don't know how I became the bad apple? It was all my fault apparently and I resented that.

It took a while to repair it and even longer to get an apology but I didn't even want that. I wanted an explanation. I didn't really get one.

I just knew I didn't have any armour on and so took on the hatred and anger that should have been directed elsewhere.

I remember when the policewoman came and talked to me and I was just crying and I wanted to say please save us. Please take him away and lock him up but I couldn't.

One reason was fear of retaliation and the second was I don't think my mama would have ever forgiven me. She protected the monster and didn't save me.

Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to go to a police station and wait and be judged like you're the criminal? When, if you're someone like me, has never broken the law.

Just an addition for the curious among you. He has never paid back the money. Never apologised and meant it. Never atoned.

I think that is what irks me. If someone behaved badly and then made amends with sincerity, that is a different story but it is as though someone has crowned him King of Fools.

In his head he must think he is perfect. That is the way he acts. I think the hardest thing apart from the fear was losing all the ways to express myself.

It took me years to unravel all the pain and suffering that was in my head. I had so much I wanted to deal with but I didn't know how to do it vocally or even in writing.

I just got angry and frustrated and retreated from the world. It all just swirled in my head and there was no escape from it, with my family there was no freedom.

My home, my sanctuary, there is control and peace and my own identity. I get to put myself first because noone else did. I get to be safe from harm.

I get to be happy and sad and angry, I get to do what I want and if it's wrong, I am not reluctant to say, I did that. I'm sorry because I am grown up.

I am responsible and even though the post I will reference wasn't the first I ever wrote, it felt like my first expression. It was unwritten in my head but I knew someday I would let all the grief out.

It wrote itself like so much of my fiction does and it was surprisingly quick. I was writing it in between the tears because I was basically saying..

Hello world. This is me. I didn't get to speak a lot or know myself or what I wanted out of life but here I am. Back then I was just a young girl and now I am a mature woman.

Do you know what it's like to be forbidden from communicating so much that it disappears and you have to relearn it? 

It might be dark to some as other pieces of my writing are but to me it's what I survived.

It's a dissected part of me that nobody sees or hears about. I am happy and proud that I got back my ability to share. 

Thank you for reading my blog and I know that there is only a small portion of my posts that are cheery but these are my experiences.

I hope none of you ever feel as alone as I did or still do sometimes..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

Dear bully

I once had a beautiful light shining inside me despite growing up with monsters and people pointing out every single flaw I had and showing me that I didn't fit in with my plain looks, chubby features and shy personality. 

I would smile a lot and try to act as friendly as possible. I would help others, listen to them complain, give useful recommendations and volunteer to be available, should they need me to be, so why the disparaging remarks?

First you tell me to shut up, that I'm dumb, that I'm a ditz and then you say sit closer, let's hang out together. 

My earliest memory was sitting outside on a tiny bench, kicking my legs and colouring or drawing on a sketchpad. 

I only remember looking up at my mother who was called up and I think I was smiling up at her oblivious.

Recently when we talked about it, she said that my teachers were worried because I wasn't talking at all and they thought I had learning difficulties. 

I thought it was merely a day that went by but she said it had been a year and I had refused to talk to anyone.

We both knew why I was silent. It's because at home whenever I spoke up my elder sibling told me to shut up. I happily consider myself an only child at this juncture.

(Even though technically it's not true). I talked a little at home like a normal rambunctious kid but I never really knew how to express myself.

I was deeply sensitive and as I looked around at my cousins and the girls in my school, they all seemed so happy and carefree.

I still wonder if other people went through what I did and if it was normal behaviour. 

The next memory that crops up is me running to my room and leaning against it to stop my siblings from chasing and hurting me. 

There were always threats but nothing actually physically happened just the words were enough to send chills down my spine and I wished I truly were an only child.

My mum still accuses me of being hard hearted because I refuse to forgive people that robbed me of being me. 

They took more than just my confidence, they took my sanity, my inner peace and the ability to trust another human being. 

Still i did forgive them. I wanted to let go of the anger and bitterness I had been holding onto for all these years, some were better people and some were still the same.

I made a choice to forgive but not forget and I tried my utmost to be civil and not let the past dictate the future interactions with them. 

That was the plan and I succeeded for a good minute and then I realised, certain people will never change. 

The verbal abuse just carried on but my parents expected me to carry on accepting it and just be impervious to it. 

They never actually went to the source and made it stop though. I was just supposed to accept it and at the same time not let it get to me.

I think maybe because my parents were both bubbly and outgoing and just fit in with everyone...That I'm guessing I was a disappointment. 

I wasn't like that at all. Everything got to me and I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be shielded away from it and for it to never be an issue again.

I never did a single thing to warrant your evident hostility towards me. I was always respectful towards you and did my best to be acceptable to have around. 

Yet you found my sweetness intolerable. I was the bane of your existence and so I eventually stopped trying and limited my acrimonious dealings with you. 

You continued lashing out though and I remember thinking if this continues I won't live past my teenage years because I will seek out an eternal solution and finally find peace and happiness by never opening my eyes again.

Three times I tried it, well four if you count not eating. I had just reached my limit. I was sick of waking up each day being afraid. 

I walked on egg shells. I stayed out late, dreading coming home each night. 

I barricaded myself in my room so much it was my own prison. It never took though, I always wondered why it never took..

I don't even feel depressed as I look back and remember this. I feel numb. I'm in a much better place where I can choose to let people in and just discard them at the drop of a hat.

It took me so long to get my smile back. It took forever to feel safe again. I won't put myself in harms way and I won't kid myself you will ever change. 

You are and always will be a bully. 

I on the other hand am special. I'm a good person and although you tried to hurt me. 

You failed because I'm still here and now you know exactly what I think of you because I won't even acknowledge we are family.

From now on consider me brotherless. I sure as hell do. Goodbye and good riddance.

Verbal food abuse

Thinking back I can pinpoint the first time I realised I had a problem with food. 

My parents kept calling me greedy for snacking and so I would sneak into the kitchen and gorge a little, not to much but enough to satisfy my appetite. 

That by itself doesn't seem that bad but it must have affected me because when I had a sleepover at my cousins house, I did the same thing snuck into the kitchen while everyone was out and had a snack.

This time however I was caught and I panicked. My aunt looked at me softly and said "You are allowed to eat, you know." 

It didn't feel that way and I felt so foolish because she was right and so my life long battle with food began.

I always wished I was good enough for my parents to accept me as I was. 

When I asked my mum why she called me names and made me feel bad for being hungry her excuse was that she wanted to motivate me to lose weight.

When I went down to a size 12 and she suspected I wasn't eating then she began to worry and monitered me during meal times. 

If I felt like vegging out she would say the same thing again "Watch out you'll get fat again." There was no pleasing her with this issue.

She learn't her lesson though when I finally spoke up and said it wasn't ok to say those things to me and because of that it makes me eat more not less and then starve myself. 

Now she doesn't say anything and I appreciate that because I will forever be the yo-yo dieter.

I remember walking into a room while a party was going on and hearing laughter with the words "Look at my fat daughter." I didn't cry, speak up or look in that direction. I simply got up left the room and felt my heart break into a million little pieces.

I don't hate my parents although from time to time I may still complain. I just disliked some of the parenting techniques that were just horrendous.

I suffered from bouts of depression and contemplated suicide but some of that was to do with being bullied by my brothers who kept threatening me but I suppose my parents thought it was just sibling rivalry or angst.

I however was scared out of my mind and when I finally moved into my own place. I severed all contact with them.

I remember only wanting peace and quiet and a safe haven to call my own. I think that's why hardly anyone knows my address just selected friends and family.

I could never understand why they were so popular and loved. They were both junkies, verbal abusers and psychopaths behind closed doors. (That's the reason I have never nor will ever try drugs). 

Yet everyone always asked me about them and seemed so shocked when I said I no longer interact with them so should they wish to be updated on their live's they would need to contact them directly.

Maybe being honest, reliable, considerate and well mannered doesn't mean anything anymore..

The thing I hate is that I learned that negative mentality from them and it stuck with me all through my extreme dieting. 

I would put myself down constantly in order to lose weight, telling myself that I was unattractive and dumb and that nobody really liked me but after a while that was too much of a toll on me.

Growing up with a childhood like mine definitely put me off relationships and having kids. 

I think that is why I'm content now not to put myself out there and rush to be hurt. I've been through enough now. 

I tried so hard to be a better person, someone that would be liked but it was just never adequate.

I love and accept myself now and whoever doesn't...needs to look inwards instead of projecting their low self worth onto me.