#BlogLife937 - Bad hair day

I have to leave in just under an hour for the 15 minute UC cv appointment which could easily have been conducted over the phone.

Probably an hour or so travelling both ways and walking half. I'm not looking forward to it, especially yesterday having started the monthly.

I was hoping to skip this month, with all the stressiness. I don't feel bloated as such, mind you, I've hardly been eating or drinking so that might be why..

There is a bit of nausea and still haven't deal with the course business.

I hoped it would be interesting but it's focused on the technical side, the teachings of Freud and less on the people side..

Maybe the customer care one, would have been smoother? Tomorrow the cleaners are due, which is another thing to dread.

I don't know how scammy or unfriendly or judgy they will be. I don't know if I'll be let down with an unfinished job and money paid for incompletion?

I don't know, if they'll try and coerce me into paying more money or if they will ask me to leave the room, while they clean?

Will they do the basics or go that extra mile? Will they clock watch and leave early?

It's just going around in my head, all this uncertainty. Never feeling reassured or relaxed.

I did the hair oil, gave myself a mini scalp massage and realised oops, there was only a tiny bit of shampoo left, arghh, wanted to do a few rinses to get the oil out.

It's not bad. It's just not styling nicely today, bits are sticking up and it might rain today so I'm not bothered.

I've done my makeup, although I couldn't see a thing, it seems overcast.

Although I don't have much of an appetite, the only thing I'm craving is the eggy chicken baguette from Pret but it sells out too fast, before 10ish and I'm not ready that early.

I wish they would anticipate the demand and do extra. Not everyone orders a sandwich at 9am!!

I don't know if I'll go to Asda or there is a sushi kiosk but it's the stopping and standing, that's when the tiredness hits me, or could be the pain.

That's why I don't like stopping. I feel like I will sit and not get up for an hour.

Hmm half an hour left and I have a bunch of volunteer chats to get back too.

I'm not sure any of them appeal but I'll try my best. I want to scream help yourself for your long term happiness but I can't.

Should I layer up? It's cold but I have lots of walking.. I think I'll wear something warm but not layer and risk getting rained on.

The weather was crazy, raining, windy, then hot sun. It's nearly 3.30pm and from a 2pm mini appointment, I am just home now.

I just missed a bus, the next one wasn't the usual 10 minutes, nope...... 30mins, ugh.

She mentioned nothing about the CV except is it updated and I should have left it instead put my foot in it and said he didn't send the upload link ugh, could have stretched that out.

It's done anyway to be frank, not to his standards because he's a dick but so be it.

I saw a stall that I hadn't noticed, selling chicken samosas, spring rolls and even pakoras.

Oh and kebabs, but for some reason I only wanted the samosas, that were sadly sold out, so I got the spring rolls.

5x £3 I didn't mind paying, not huge, not tiny, medium. Lil bit bland but it was okay.

I forgot by the time I got home, it would lose the crunch. I got sushi, oh that other place didn't have avocado so I didn't bother.

Plus I got a double discount so it was half price, leftovers tomorrow.

It's too late to get a sandwich, which was my preference and I was too tired to go to Asda.

I was supposed to take out the bins too and good gracious, the idiot bin men, didn't empty ours.

I swear they did the neighbourhood and not ours, I heard them twice, what the hell, nitwits!!

I can't move and doubt I have the energy for volunteering, I was hoping it wouldn't be a long day but cripes, I'm done.

#BlogLife936 - From moi to you

So the morning appointment came and went on time and smoothly and I don't know if I'll ever talk about it.

I was a bit sluggish today, I did sleep but I still felt tired and the fact that the floors weren't done makes me think judgyness a-coming.

He texted me 15 minutes prior and I hadn't even got my lens in but scrambled to get ready.

But actually he was a nice chap and I just explained I was having trouble with the cleaners and he didn't bat an eyelid.

It was peculiar to me though that they didn't except Paypal or phone payments just bank transfers.

I've actually never done that before, usually it's direct debits and even those take several hundred times before it's set up.

So I went to the online banking thingy and they said for a new person they need a card reader or biometrics.

Good grief, neither of those appealed but I had no choice, cash or transfer and I needed more than the daily withdrawal limit.

Plus until the 5th September, the buses are only taking me halfway to the Market.

This was my only course of action. I don't know where the card reader is, if I threw it out, so that wasn't an option.

I had to go for the yucky biometrics, photo or voice. I downloaded the app and the biometric thing was nowhere to be found ha.

I thought maybe I don't need it. I just went to make a new payment and then it asked for a reference number, good grief.

I contacted the company, they didn't know either. The only number I hadn't added was the invoice number...

It couldn't be that?? It was, good grief, why not just say that, twits!!

So it was done, it successfully sent and no card reader or biometric thingy was needed, luckily.

There was a whole load of security prompting, Are you sure? Is someone scamming you?

Are you being pressured? Lol. It just made me laugh. My next meeting is the UC which is Thursday at 2pm for the CV nonsense.

Then Friday at 1pm the new cleaners. Then next Tuesday a follow up appointment with the thing that happened today.

Too many events this week and all draining my pennies :( But I have to keep telling myself, it's about the outcome, not the process.

It will benefit me in the end, longterm. I just have to endure it, until then.

Oh hopefully I heard the binmen finally today. I have to admit, I'm glad things are progressing but I still feel yucky and that's putting me off eating.

Maybe when it's all over, I will feel differently. I got to schedule the Surveyor appointment next week and that's it for now.

I'm scared the cleaners will let me down again, I have no confidence or maybe they will drag it out for more money, like the previous ones did..

I can't stop fretting which is making the pain intense, Why is relying on others always a disappointing let down?

I want this debilitating weight lifted off my shoulders but more keeps being added.

I'm trying so hard to be organised and nothing I'm doing is working out and there's a pressing deadline to all of it.

How much more am I supposed to take?

At least Zoomy sent me a gift voucher of a fiver for a mini feedback survey.

After I hadn't shopped with them for ages. Err it's been maybe 2 weeks or less, yeesh clingy much?

It will come in useful at some point. I'm glad I got to have a grumble.

The tracking keeps crashing and being misleading about 5 minutes away, when it's double or triple that.

There's not enough decent text/email offers, the minimum spend is £80 for a single person is ridiculous, plus lasting 24 hours only..

Then I told them I thought delivery charges were far too high, which is true.. Can be up to £3.50 I think...

I do like that the majority of favourites is in stock, that the lunch bundle fiver seems permanent and great value for cheapskates like moi.

Three things for a fiver, sandwich, crisps or chocolates, and a drink..... Sublime.

#BlogLife935 - Angst overload/Cleaner Scams

The volunteering was going smoothly but today I hit a few rough chats that I could/should have handled better.

I think it was the subject matter. One was flip-flopping and I found that really confusing to have two extreme views and then do a complete turn around.

But I've taken a break as the cleaner arrived and I'm not feeling good but so be it.

As I feel judged and told it will take longer and cost more. Hmm. I'm not lucky with cleaners at all.

I guess what annoys me is that I was clear about what my needs were and suddenly it's outlandish.

The problem with this is that, nothing extra can be done, like helping declutter and the annoyance of having to come out multiple times when the instructions were clear.

The other chat was Umm... Hmm open to interpretation maybe? I felt I came across as judgemental which no-one wants but I was trying to show that actions have consequences.

Anyway I will strive to do better next time. I'm not perfect, just trying to lend support.

I will just say that, it feels like certain people want me to say Yes you're doing correct things and carry on, it's fine.

I'm just not that person. I like to paint the full picture but stress it's their comfort levels that matter.

I can't ignore self destruction at all. I just feel bad that person didn't the unburdening they deserved.

It's going to be a long day. I am so dizzy and sore. Why do I kid myself hiring a cleaner will be a magical experience?

I'm confused so I was charged £115 after all for 5 hours and only 2 rooms done?

Maybe because it was incomplete and maybe I got the discount.

So a disaster from start to finish, she couldn't locate my address and I had to go out a bunch of times and repeat myself.

I was not happy. Then as usual she ignored my instructions to just mop each floor, that was it, nothing else required as I can manage.

She took 4 hours to clean the kitchen. I can't even fathom how that happens.

Were you on the phone? Were you taking a nap? It's bizarre to me.

A mopping and a wiping? Wow. Then she literally rang me on the mobile, instead of just calling out, that there was 20 minutes left.

And she was cryptically saying, You can use the service or pay me an extra £60 for the remainder.......

I don't bloody think so. Although at that point, I hadn't eaten or drank for the entire day so I was tempted.

The hallway, bathroom and bedroom and lounge were left, which is a farce.

What was funnier, I mean I wasn't laughing she had made a bigger mess of the floors.

So I was just so dizzy and tired at this point (6pm), I just said you can just finish up.

I hate confrontations and I didn't have it in me to say nobody asked you to do anything except the floors and you couldn't manage that.

You truly take the biscuit and are a scam artist. Hope you're pleased with yourself preying on someone that's longterm ill.

Now I figured right, I can barely stand at this point, I'm tripping over wires and reiterating once again, I only wanted the floors mopped.

She looks at me incredulously and repeats it? Just the floors, that's all?

I stopped myself rolling my eyes. I figured right, she is packing up, I feel like a fool who hired an incompetent service and expected a good result.

I make my way to my room and just sit waiting for her to pack up and say Goodbye.

I don't know if it was to protect her rating, seeing me fragile or what......

But she then proceeds to carry on with the kitchen, pile 3 heavy bags of clutter, that I can barely carry and for an hour (5 altogether).

Decides she will mop the living room. This makes no sense at all to me.

Unless she's realised Oh Bollocks, I'm done for, 5 hours and one room looks bad to any employer..

So she calls me on the mobile again, an hour later after fretting about the time before and says she is done and I should rebook another cleaner tomorrow.

Oh and it would only take them 2 hours? Excuse me........ Youu couldn't manage jack in 5 hours.

I literally spot in the corner 3 black bags and she looks at me and says Oh they are just garbage.

As if why are you touching that? Just leave it. She does offer to help with one, but it's like where do I put it?

Same place as everyone else on the planet, it's right outside!! So I said it's fine, I'll do it.

Instead of being considerate and loading them evenly they are so heavy I can barely move them.

And this is all after I've told her about the health conditions. I just feel like an idiot really for reusing that shoddy service.

Even though it's Bank Holiday and I'll pay double probably. I'm tempted to book another same day service.

I just don't want to give them anymore of my money as Emop is a colossal joke.

I will look elsewhere, 3 rooms, hallway, bathroom and bedroom.

I feel taken advantage of, unheard and used as a cash cow. I tried to help myself, seek assistance.

Someone to lighten the load but I got treated like crap, it just backfired.

I got to say P was really supportive, he had to listen to me winge because I felt so anxious.

And now I have to go through it all again. I wanted this completed so the Bank Holiday Monday would be carefree.

It's just stressy. Oh well a waste of time and money. I feel extra peeved because I realised she dismantled the bloody plug for the fan and the usb wire is nowhere to be seen..

Why is there always a headache. Why would you even mess with a plug???

Ugh good job I had one last usb wire spare. An update booked a cleaner, well it turns out I was offered 2.

Outrageously expensive for 4 hours, he even offered 3 but that's over the top.

But I took it because I'm sick of being ripped off, paying for an incomplete service.

I'm hoping the price means it's more professional. I'm hoping there will not be any excuses.

It's way more than I wanted to pay and I could have done 3 hours but had to cover myself.

I'm surprised they are operating so late but I guess there is a need for it.

I've never found a sufficient cleaning company so maybe this is it?

Whatever happens I will review them and add to this post or the next.

I probably should have got more quotes but the more time raced on, the less likely someone would be available.

It would have been 2x cheaper to rebook Emop but the customer service and standards suck. I wouldn't be confident they would finish it.

Ugh I can never get the morning appointments. This one is at 6pm, yikes, long day.

It's only lunchtime now, I didn't eat yesterday due to stress and today might be the same.

I can't help this nervousness. More strangers, more judgyness potentially and I hope there will be enough natural light, my bulbs seem dim.

My stomach is in knots again. I slept a bit, then woke at 6amish fretting I wouldn't find anyone.

They could always cancel, take my money and be scammers but I have to calm down.

They wouldn't last if they did that. I know I should have called elsewhere to get an earlier slot but there was 1 left and it was too risky.

Besides I don't think anyone else would have offered me 2 people.

I remember way back when. I think that was the only time there were 2 cleaners but the male, was on the phone the entire time.

The lady I'm sure did all the work. I never used them again. I hate clock watchers, while there is stuff left to do.

Ok fine, be aware of the time being up and maybe you have other appointments..

But I think there was maybe 30 minutes left and they requested to go and I found that a shoddy service.

No cleaning isn't glamorous, but if someone is paying for your time, at those prices, you should make every second count.

Or ask, Hey, the time is almost up, before we leave is there anything small left to do?

I would have appreciated that more and said as much to the company.

I also don't see the problem with taking the trash out, it's right outside. I don't think that's demeaning, it's just helpful but none of them do it.

Talking of which, our binmen haven't been this week so it's piling up. Typical Bank Holiday weekend so they take the week off.

I have to stop this nervous babbling and try to chill out then before 6pm I can resume getting tense.

Well the development is, the booking was cancelled so as much as I hate Emop, at least they show up and partially do the job.

I have to, as much as it pains me, rebook a cleaner with them. I just don't know for when.

Tomorrow I have an appointment, 10-1pm. It's impossible to get a morning time, I could risk an overlap and try for 7am.

But no that's too stressful if one of them is late or early. I'll wait for tomorrow's appointment to come and go and then decide if I will make it for that day or Wednesday.

Ok my head is spinning, I can't even finish this post. Emop called and said I should book soon as the slots fill quickly.

I was just doing that, when the other service called about the cancellation and apologised and said We can rebook you and will stay until it's done.

4 hours or more, so I was taken aback and as crazy as it is, I will give them a fair shot over Emop.

What I didn't realise is I'm signed up to an annual club that's £89 but apparently is saving me money, hmm..

I told them not to renew that, so I pay the club fee and the cleaning fee.

I'm not going to think positive or negative, I will just see but it's the last chance and if they let me down, then Emop it is for sure.

I want to feel confident one visit will clean the remaining three rooms but we'll see.

Oh and Yes remembered to ask for female only cleaners, if someone is coming into my room, then yea I deserve to feel safe.

I shall update in future posts, exactly what happens next, the prices, the attitudes, all of it.

I am shattered.

#BlogLife934 - Checked off

I had such a gloriously long deep sleep last night and it's put me in a great mood, because the insomnia was pretty bad due to stress.

The last of the chores is done. I booked the cleaner for tomorrow morning, an ouchy estimate of £109.35 to a £145.13 reality jump and there was nowhere to put the 10% promo code sadly..

I just added it into the comment section, I doubt I will get the discount for the deep clean, but it is a Bank Holiday weekend.

I just prefer booking cleaners for the weekend, it's way less hectic for me.

I can't see it lasting 4 hours just to mop 5 rooms, even though it's a deep clean service.

But afterwards maybe they will wipe the tub or sinks or help me declutter.

Either way, although I feel guilty about not doing it myself. I'm also sorta proud of myself for reaching out to get assistance as that is so difficult to not be seen as capable.

My hands are already tender and I feel devoid of energy just wiping a lil bit.

I still feel the flu is lingering, bit stuffy, bit sneezy but I feel heaps better being productive now the energy has returned somewhat.

The washing is drying and smelling delightful. I can't book the Optician and get my spare lens until the bus station opens in September so that has to wait.

I will also get my pedicure done afterwards and that's it really. Very high expenses but if it gives me peace of mind, so be it.

I'm not frivolous, I don't spend heaps on myself, I continue to budget and seek bargains.

Oh and will probably book the Surveyor appointment for the week after next, this one is already busy.

I forgot to ask for female cleaners and if I could stay as I don't fancy going out and Ohh just realised I'm definitely staying, the buses aren't running all the way to the Market.

It's weird I remember things and then instantly forget, so foggy.

I think Scratchy is done. I needed to talk and let things out and I did that.

Alright, a strange morning indeed. I woke up to see conflicting texts and emails from the cleaning service.

One said, Sorry no-one is available. The other said, Yes we have 1 person, so relieved it's a female yesss.

I woke up at 10am called them, they were busy and I was just about to email and they called back.

I do like them for that, they don't leave you hanging in that respect.

When they cancelled I felt a bit deflated. I didn't sleep until 4/5am but then it was bliss.

I would have preferred a morning slot, I did book for 11am, but 2pm was all they had.

I wanted it out of the way so I could eat but I'll munch after. I don't know why my stomach is in knots..

Maybe it's the uncertainty of them not showing up and then this matter is still pressing.

Or maybe it's the judgement of, this is you responsibility not an outsider.

Or maybe it is having an unknown person in my home. I'm sure the cleaners are vetted.

I had to Googly it and yep there are background checks. We shall see how this experience goes..

The first was a mixed bag, good outcome but damage was done and no apology.

Plus I think he was late and didn't stick to instructions. I just wanted to sleep.

I think I was just tense, a male cleaner roaming the rooms, making lots of noise..

That's why I didn't let him mop the bedroom floor, it was my safe space.

Argh I forgot to enquire about the promo code discount. I'm really curious as to whether or not I will get it.

I should for all the faffing around. You advertise for short notice, lots available and then say, Nope nobody is around.

At least she will get double pay as it's the weekend. Umm, let's just say, things did not go according to plan...

#BlogLfe933 - Less fluey, more active

It's satisfying that even after reporting the bugs to the tutor and her saying she's accessible, zero was the response ha.

They don't give a damn, as I suspected, it's pretty much, you're on your own type of place.

Samsung had a mini security update that managed to crash the clock, so I just deleted it and re-added it which made it start working again.

Oh good grief. It's ridiculous, now the course has got in touch to say they haven't got the passport proof of identification picture.

You accepted it earlier and now there is an issue again? This is what I was having problems with, it would not accept the upload.

Then it did and everything seemed to be fine and now they are hounding me.

I wonder if it is because it's expired but it still proves it is me. It has my name, it has my picture.

I'm not shelling out nearly £100 to renew it, when I'll never travel again.

I'm going to resend it via email and if they kick me off the course, I'll do a happy dance. 

I never wanted to do it, in the first place! Ugh now they are asking me to get a copy of my birth certificate which is £16.

I'm still thinking about that. I've made a start in my to do list. I had some things that I was dreading.

I just had to get on with it and stop using the flu as an excuse. My heavens I wasn't expecting the costs but hopefully I'm paying for a premium service.

I changed the sheets and just the washing to do now now.

I don't remember if I mentioned the first rating I got which was positive and now received one in star form...

Which was negative 2/5. It makes me laugh though because I've helped many people that haven't bothered to give me feedback but I have got a lot of thanks.

I suspect the negative was from either those requesting unsavoury chats/topics of which I dismissed.

Or from someone who talking too, was like pulling teeth, every which way I tried was just long pauses and nothing that I could entice them to elaborate with.

And I was starting to get annoyed with my time being wasted. I wish people would get to the point, sorry but if you have a queue of people you're ignoring to speak to a non chatter, as it were, it's frustrating.

I hate those types of chats. In the end I just apologised I wasn't able to help and referred them to another Listener, there is only so much I can do.

If a person doesn't wish to open up or give details, I'm not a mindreader.

The only time I'll have patience is if there are wifi problems or it's a sensitive topic.

Otherwise don't use the service if you won't share, it's pointless for both of us.

I know volunteering is thankless at times but you know what, if someone spent hours listening to me and helping me unburden, de-stress, make sense and lift my mood..

I would give them positive feedback, you've no idea how a lil unexpected kindness and appreciation can make someone's day.

I just have to add this as it made me laugh, I got an email to say I had positive feedback but there was none.

Then later I saw the 2/5 rating, how was that positive? Ha!

#BlogLife932 - Wimping out on the spice

I'm in the mood for that Kabuto chilli chicken noodly thing. I've forgotten how long to warm it up.

I put it in for about 6 minutes in the microwave, it does smell nice when I opened the lid.

I'm hoping it's mild and not sweet. I want savoury only. It is spicy but nice and tasty, thin noodles, I quite like it and veggies maybe.

It's actually not salty, I think I put lots of water but the right amount for me, so a lil soupy for the flu/cold whatever.

It's way too peppery and it increases with every bite.

My eyes are watering but I'll still finish it. Nope too spicy. It was burning my mouth off and admittedly I am a spice wimp.

I tried the Marks and Spencer's cream of chicken and I didn't like it either. Too strong and seasoned well.

I think with soup I'm looking for a particular flavour and I haven't found it.

Niknaks crisps ending up taking the taste away as did the yucky Sunny D.

I'm glad I bought it though, as it sped up the cure.

I'm trying a weird combination as I preferred the cheesy ravioli to the beef one.

I decided to combine macaroni with the ravioli and see if tastes good.

What shall we call it? Ravironi? Macioli? You decide. I like it actually, it goes well surprisingly.

But I couldn't finish it, nice easy leftovers for tomorrow or next week.

Ha me and P had a mini almost domestic. It kinda makes me laugh, at night he's quite sensitive and doesn't take to me winding him up at all.

Whereas I am lighter because the day is over and I get to be irresponsible.

Sometimes we flirt over text and he wants to continue that over the phone but I get shier and if I'm not feeling well like yesterday, I just want a tame chat but I always make that clear prior, so he's aware.

Usually he still tries to flirt and he was trying to do that over text but I get to a point where I'm poorly and the mood is lost.

So because we haven't talked in a while, well actually the day before yesterday, we attempted it but I started cramping so postponed it.

Anyway he did behave himself for once, ha. He said he's going away for a boys weekend so I was teasing him about going on the pull and his friends being his wingmen and he reacted strangely, like that isn't my scene.

And I thought hmm, but you're single and free, why wouldn't you mingle with the opposite sex?

Maybe he's downplaying it to spare my feelings but we're not an item.

We're not dating or lovey dovey. It's been just over a month since we met online.

We're just acquaintanceships who chat a lot about anything. I just said as you're away, you don't need to text, enjoy yourself.

He said Well to let you know it might have been hard to get back to you and I said that's fine and I'm not bothered.

But I think I said, if a weekish passed with no contact, then I would assumed you ghosted me.

And he said I wouldn't do that, I would let you and he has been so I believe him, unless we have a huge row or something..

Yesterday I was plagued with headaches during the course, maybe because I'm squinting or it's been so buggy, so I get a lot of eyestrain and wearing one contact lens does not help.

So I was explaining my frustrations with the whole experience, that I kinda feel dumb really.

(He didn't touch that one. It would have been nice to hear, Oh don't be silly you're more than capable, especially as I'm encouraging to him).

Oh I did bring up that he's not complimentary actually ha, and he apologised and said I think I do it to you a fair bit.

(And I thought, When? Ha. But he probably has just mainly at the beginning and that's it).

I'm not looking for an ego boost. I just think it's nice, when you know someone is low, just to have a kind word or two..

I was explaining that it's been like 3/4 days without a tutor and I expected better.

The course is buggy, you can't select answers and have them accepted, they promised a smooth registration and it was complicated.

When I reached out for help, the advice was poor and didn't fix it. The third lot of assistance did and only because I called up.

This whole thing is stressful and more time consuming that it needs to be.

And my points were that, I'm sure they are aware of all of this but refuse to fix it.

I'm not the first person to do this course. I'm sure I'm not the first that's complained.

And he was saying either I should go somewhere else or raise my concerns or how would they know their are bugs?

Purleaseee they know, they just don't care. So I called him bossy and that did not go down well.

I explained I was teasing him, but he said it's too late at night for that, which made me laugh more.

Oh and that's it my responsibility to have it all sorted out. I think because I hate confrontation and assume they won't do anything I avoid it.

I did just get an email finally from the Tutor so that's one thing.

The other thing that kinda not bothered me as such but felt a lil judgy was when he said Oh you had a late start.

And I thought Yea I got up at 11amish because my body needed the rest.

I'm not over the flu. I'm longterm ill. I'm an insomniac and I don't feel guilty about that.

I didn't utter the second bit just the first and he was like Ok fair enough ha.

I don't know maybe it does annoy me. If you're healthy and able bodied, you don't need to think about the impact lack of sleep gets you.

I find the pain comes on faster. I find my mood gets frustrated and low.

I struggle more and beat myself up. Today I woke up 9amish maybe and thought Nooooo too early.

I'm at the point of 12pm and my hands are hurting and I know today will be another long day.

He mentioned that was part of his job to troubleshoot so maybe he took it personally.

I still think they are aware of the bugs. The other strange reaction and I almost felt like he bit his tongue...

Was when I said there was a video chat support feature but I had no intention of using it, it's horrifying to see close ups of people.

And  he said Horrifying? I said Yes, it's not my thing. I've never done it and will never do it.

And I felt because it's routine to him, he was about to say, Push past your doubts and do it, but stopped himself lol.

Because he knows, with certain things when I say No, I mean it.

I sorta wonder if he's disappointed that I'm not into that video chat thing, he's aware of my insecurities, I don't feel the need to hide them.

I won't do something I'm adverse too, unless I decide it's right for me, no amount of pressure or influence can sway me.

He does seem to respect my decisions but maybe there are times when he truly doesn't see my point of view.

Hmmmm as long as he doesn't bully me, the differences of opinion, I'm fine with.

I just detected an irritated tone and if I call him out on it as I have before, he will say he was just tired. Ha I don't buy it.

Just because you think or act a certain way and it's fully logical to you, it doesn't mean I have too :)

Last thing I promise as this is already way too rambly, more than intended but what can you do?

I always feel when it's just a regular chat, he's way more abrupt, it's way shorter and I wonder if it's a bit of disappointment or resentment that it's not friendlier...

Let's call it, instead of routine?! I wish he would say something like I really miss catching up with you.

Or let's chat about our days when I'm not dripping in exhaustion.

Instead of feeling like he's using me to get to sleep because obviously his bedtime is earlier than mine.

I would rarely go to bed at 11pmish unless I had an early start, I have to be shattered and that's midnightish.

So knowing that I will not be sleepy, Why can't you call at say 9pm and have that 20 minute clean chat?

I could easily ask him that but I already know the answer, he's thinking about his needs, not mine.

To put it in perspective....... The cosier chats can last an hour, so that should tell you a lot.

And now I've also made it clear I won't talk to him if he's half asleep as that's just disrespectful.

It's like saying Hey thingy, my time is precious, more so than yours.

I will waste the evening watching TV, tire myself out and then call you, inconvenience you while you're relaxing watching Married At First Sight, clearly not tired..

Chat for what seems like seconds and then say, Goodbye my eyes are closing, while you have interrupted your fun to cater to me.

Quick random tale, was chatting to someone and I had made it clear I wasn't looking for anything and then he started badgering me for meets.

He said he would come down and we could go to the cinema so finally I explained, I had health stuff so only short outings would be feasible.

I was hoping that would put him off but No, he then suggested coming to my place?

What............On.......Earth, makes you think I'm that dumb to invite a stranger around???

I said there was no possibility of that happening, I take my safety seriously.

He reeked of desperation. Luckily he hasn't contacted me and I was able to block him.

Never a dull moment with the randoms, well actually maybe one or two :D

#BlgLife931 - Neighbours taking the wotsit again!!

Ugh once more I'm disgusted with the neighbours, now they're blocking my path and any visitors, parking their 2x bikes and a scooter, right outside my door.

WTF is wrong with you? You have your own homes, your own places, yet, you're taking the mickey and restricting my path??

Once I have to go out for real all that crap is getting moved and I don't give a **** if it falls.

Why are people so nasty??? I don't get it, I really try my best to be respectful and courteous to others.

I fail to get the same in return! The iceland shop came and even he was struggling to hand me the shopping which is ridiculous.

The bikes kept falling over and I said Leave it, it isn't my stuff. Unfortunately they were out of tissues, not even a substitution so did a mini Zoom shop and they were practically the same price 2 for 1 offer.

I remembered to get some soups, trying a bunch. Marks & Spencer's cream of chicken for 95p, a tin.

Heinz chicken and mushroom, £1.70 but I think there was an offer, buy 2 get 1 free.

I hope it doesn't have mushroom pieces, I just like the flavour, not the texture.

Plus I saw a Kabuto chilli chicken ramen noodles maybe because I'm fluey I feel like a spice kick, I'm hoping it's mild ha.

I think the bedlinen is out for delivery again today, we'll see if they bother to hand it over.

Gosh I want to relax and I have all that course crap to read...

Forget to mention as part of Zoom's fiver lunch menu, sandwich, snack and drink..

I saw Graze had a new option, peanut butter flapjacks, just 3 minis in a tiny pack.

More on the healthy side, I was tempted by snickers or m&m's but actually I like oaty stuff.

It's not sweet, faint flavours, it just tastes a lil sugary with oats lol, that second one had a peanuty aftertaste which is nice.

I think I may have only tried the lemon drizzle which was much stronger and tasty, I think I liked it.

I'm not sure what my preference is, they are both different. Convenient though when you're peckish.

Just two of those bites and the chicken samosa has filled me up.

I'm also washing it down with Sunny D, not my favourite, it's alright, I needed some vitamin c.

Oh that's what I forgot to order with Zoom, I was going to get the clementine juice, oh well.

Yesterday because the electric toothbrush was dying, I was charging it and thought the fans would be ok..

It died at night and the humidity was awful. I was so uncomfy I didn't really sleep that much.

I feel extra drained. Mu brain won't let me rest. Right finished the induction on the course, it's really slow and buggy.

I had to do an English and Maths test, I feel like such a dummy.

I scored just over 50% on both and I thought I was good at English, yikes.

It's not registering I've done it, either at the weekend or Monday I'll have another look.

Today Monday, there's a definite improvement, no sneezing, runny nose but lots of headaches and still stuffy with that extra exhaustion draining me.

I'm glad the home remedies were effective, orange juice, peppermint essential oil, binaural beats videos and lots of rest.

But my brain is still struggling to focus, one minute I remember then forget.

For some reason I'm really struggling to read, my eyes had gone watery and blurry.

I did the protein tablet last night on my lens and it has helped but also I just saw an option to make the text on my phone bold and larger.

I feel so incapable sometimes but it's life, I'm aging and my eyesight has always struggled.

Argh just got an email from the course about extra support because of my Maths and English scores but actually I'm realising it's because I also stated I have severe health conditions.

I'm embarrassed because I feel that reinforces my belief I am not smart enough but I'm going to try and look at it in a positive way.

So what if I need extra support and maybe extensions? It's not a crime, some require more help than others.

I know if I pass this counselling course I'll be really proud of myself and although I feel stretched thin, I'm telling myself, one thing at a time.

The volunteering is getting easier but also really weird. I forgot about that element.

I give people the benefit of the doubt, unless there are lies but it's probably not someone I would speak to again.

I think that's it, Oh and the twit neighbours did move one or two things away so I could walk but honestly I'm still vex.

You don't do that to someone. What if there is a fire and my path is restricted and time is of the essence?

I'm thinking of reporting it as anti social behaviour as I'm sick of putting up with all of it.

Since I've moved in.... Post has been stolen, dog crap outside my door, neighbours buzzing my number to get let them in, up to 2/3am...

Balls bouncing hard against my windows so loudly I think they'll smash.

Blocking my path with bikes/scooter clutter. Welcome mat theft.

And probably other things like banging on my walls if I make the tiniest noises, yet they can have loud domestics and slam the doors loudly and honk cars anytime of the day or night.

Sod off!

#BlogLife930 - Who is to say what is right for you?

Something I've just noticed about BB/P I should just call him P.

He is a good listener, caring, chatty but he doesn't compliment me and I do it to him frequently. 

He actually compliments himself afterwards ha.

I'm going to stop boosting his ego. I mean what I say but anything one way, I'm not a fan off.

You can throw niceties my way too.. Aside from that were not as chatty, but we still talk often in shorter bursts.

No acquaintanceship is perfect. I'm kinda gutted I seemed to have reset my ScrabbleGo progress, I'm a newbie again.

I tried to login with facebook but it's still the same, ugh. I guess it wasn't the regular Postie today as they did that thing of laziness in delivering the bed linen.

I heard something but I wasn't sure but it must have been them. Why are you so unprofessional?

You're right at the door, would take you less then a second to buzz me. Twits.

Well I guess the UC advisor will call me in an hour, technically the appointment is at 2.50pm.

I was holding off from eating but I guess there's no point. Oh I heard back from the course people...

Instead of saying hey, just upload it to us, we can check you out that way..

He said Oh just logout, delete your application and start over, ffs.

Enrol in 10 minutes my something. Liars!!

I don't know whether to do a grocery shop for the weekend, I still feel like I'm not eating much.

The only thing I'm using is tissues, I'm on my third box. I'm thinking about doing a mini Zoom.

Ok heard back from the UC coach, no shouting or condescending tone and gave me an appointment in a fortnight, thank heavens.

Then got another message from the course organisers contradicting the last message, ffs.

I don't need this crap, it's already hard trying to bloody concentrate.

Well it's sorted I just called up and she gave me a code to put in, she was friendly enough but why not just say You need a code.

I was so exhausted but it's done and I thought it was real cheeky, they said get all this reading done by tomorrow..

Hell no. I was running on empty as it was, then it was Oh your tutor will email you.....

Yea, that didn't happen either, sloppy sloppy. Even though I want to rest tomorrow, I will do the reading stuff and already ordered an Iceland shop.

I fancied soup and pasta so got a few different ones. I found a great binaural beats video on runny noses and it works.

I'm not sure if it will clear the sinuses. My eyes are watering a lot and drying my eyes so they are tender.

That's probably all the news you'll get until Monday, although writing Scratchy has been immense fun.

I guess I'll continue until it loses the magic. I know it's weird with the name thing but it came to me, so why not?!

#BlogLife929 - Vanishing brain

 It's only 2pm but it feels like it's been nonstop dealing with the UC stuff.

As I said it was a shame they didn't have a writing course. I think that would have boosted my confidence.

They did have the customer service but actually I saw a counselling one, that's good for volunteering, dealing with people so I wonder if he'll bitch about it.

They said I qualified for funding and seemed to accept me, but as I was trying to prove I was a UK citizen, it didn't accept my passport upload.

Hmm not sure what that is about. At least I tried. Next I have to re-do my CV but as I said it's already in STAR format so I'm going to add that I've started volunteering at 7 Cups and that's it..

Oh yea sod it. I hate confrontations but after I finish tailoring the CV and upload it, I'll apologise and say sorry have come down with a bug so can't make it tomorrow.

I feel so obligated to do the right thing and sacrifice my health to please disrespectful others but I'm getting close to snapping.

I'm so fricking tired and there's still lots to organised. Ugh it never lets me edit the CV so I alway have to write it out all over ffs.

Oh I bought what I thought was the good yellow sunflower alternative Flora butter but I don't like the taste, the other one was much nicer.

Yikes I'm on my second box of tissues, good job I bought extra.

I have a feeling at the weekend I might have to get more. It's annoying that I need to follow a procedure in the to-do list and I want badly to do it all.

But I'm so drained. It's only Wednesday though there is time before the weekend.

The biggest thing is how bitchy the UC advisor will be at my absence. I'm not in the mood for his bastard ways.

The more stressed I get, the sicker I become. I want sleep but it eludes me.

Right got to sort the CV and message the prick. Ugh just realised something, before last time, he said it had to be 2 pages.

How the hell do you add more information and expect it to expand into another page?

You are such a dickhead and excuse the poor language in this but it helps me feel a whole lot better because I can't stand up to him or swear so this is the next best thing :)

I forgot about Googly Docs, lets me save and edit in any format.

It's done and to be honest, I didn't change a damn thing, just added that I'm volunteering on 7 Cups.

It was almost funny trying to reword it as it had the exact same duties as HearMe.

Come on SS, stop being a chicken and send it and tell him you're not coming in to see his smug heartless annoying face!!!

Alright I've done it, argh damnit, he's responded. I hoped he had left for the day.

Oh ok, no shouting, no threatening to cut my funds off yet.. He just said he'll call tomorrow.

Notice.. No I hope you feel better soon or any kindness whatsoever.

I'm actually surprised he didn't send me the upload message link, ha, well at least I jumped through his many idiotic hoops, even though I feel wretched.

I was planning to keep my phone on anyway. I don't know if I still sound nasally..

For the love of chocolate, please give me an appointment in 2 weeks, cripes!!

Let me recover and avoid trekking when I'm dizzy and nauseated.

I had some yoghurt, a sandwich and a lolly. I don't think I want anymore.

Water is refreshing but I wish I had orange juice or apple or blueberry or lemon.

Sorry this is another short one, I really can't focus. One thought pops in and then disappears, plus my head is thumping.

At least I'm getting things done slowly but surely and finding the courage to use the forum more, open up, ask questions, champion others..

Oh the other thing that is really annoying and the reason I'm fluey in the first place is the extreme weather changes.

Hot/Cold/Hot/Cold so the fan is blowing in my face and I'm hot and cold, then I throw the duvet off and same thing hot and cold.

I want to be snuggled under it but then I can't breathe.

#BlogLife928 - Why did I post at the weekend?

As we all know I usually only post Monday - Thursday as someone that's getting increasingly ill, I need me-time.

However due to stress and temporary ailments sometimes I don't post at all.

This weekend I felt stretched in a million different directions, I should be doing this, thinking that, writing, being organised blah blah.

There was so many cluttered thoughts I needed to release them to make way for new ones.

I don't know when this will be put out, I don't want to put more pressure on myself.

I feel stuffy in my nose, my throat is sore and I'm incredibly tired.

Those are my symptoms and although I didn't want to get up, my brain said Wakey Wakey..

Granted I know BookLife8 wasn't in my traditional style but it came out effortlessly, not one for Wattpad but here for the blog.

If my brain feels like adding more it will. I cannot think straight at the moment at all.

I don't want to do anything but there is a to-list growing. I keep thinking of things to say and then I forget them

One of them was from Married At First Sight. They don't matchmake the same sex couples well at all, polar opposites.

Anyway I guess it was interesting, How would you deal with someone you are paired with but have no attraction too?

It's really awkward to do anything physical with them, it would feel forced and unnatural.

But you could get to know their personality. I think in that situation, it's tougher.

You want to make the effort but not give false hope. It's hurtful too to be rejected but I guess if you can put your pride aside and try and have fun with the activities, surely that's a start?

It's not helpful when someone's really flirty and expecting to be intimate straight away, I know you're married but this is arranged, it isn't a love match, slow down.

Emotionally I feel better and physically I feel worse but I got the ball rolling on a few things.

Ordered the new duvet and a spare fitted sheet. I called up and spoke to a lovely person about the Surveyor appointment and she said call back when you're better and make it then.

That was a relief, my fear was that they would be insistent about penciling me in this week and I'm just not up to it.

The rest I'll do later or along the week. I need to munch, finish this up, do the UC stuff.

It's stressing me out thinking about Thursday's UC appointment, especially if he's referring me to a course that's inaccessible.

Plus I got to sign up to another course, I'm not interested in, just to get him to be silent.

I doubt I'll be feeling better by tomorrow. I think what's really ticking me off, is how he was gloating about forcing me to attend an appointment that's unnecessary.

It's tantamount to what I've always heard, I don't give a damn about your disabilities in fact, I'll punish you for having them.

Even when I was trying to explain the female colleague was looking over.

I hope she was thinking What a dickhead. I know I was. It's when you're mocking someone that's ill and I can't say anything because he would happily stop my payments..

It's that stuck feeling. The same as being bullied, there's no retaliation.

That's why I'm thinking depending on how I'm feeling tomorrow, I may message him and say I need a phone appointment.

He will hate that and probably giving me a warning, sanction for failure to attend.

At this point. I don't think I care. I'm getting tired of him belittling me and making me feel small.

The only other pressing thing is to sort the cleaner but that should be fine, they have last minute, minor and major services.

Lastly not impressed with the chat support as someone seeking it out.

The only person I got through too hasn't bothered replying. They should have it where, only online people are contactable.

The forums are way more responsive but you can't really go into details there.

Also the private messages, I feel obligated to reply too and that's a bad feature.

At least today I stood up to someone being deliberately inappropriate, it was making me feel so icky.

I avoided them until now. It's like people think just because you volunteer, you can say anything inappropriate and they'll accept it.

Hell no!!