#BlogLife836 - Closure for real this time

I did a silly thing. I haven't been able to distract myself from thinking about H.

I want answers and closure that I'm not going to get. Did I block him too soon?

2 and a half days of being blanked doesn't seem it but what if something happened?

I decided even though it's a waste of time unblocking, I would do it anyway.

It's only been from Monday lunchtime to Tuesday 10pmish. Only 2 days.

But he might have been trying to get in contact, highly unlikely, he doesn't chase and nor do I.

Pride goeth before a falleth. I miss the days where you could block someone and check to see if they called, even though it didn't go through.

Plus you could sneakily read the texts they sent, even if they weren't in your inbox.

Ha! I loved that feature even though it's now gone. It was handy in case there was a misunderstanding or you weren't sure you did the right thing.

I'm feeling pretty awful today, hence why whichever post is going to go up late.

It's been all day hard crampage, ugh, so as I thought there's so far been no texts from him.

Either he gave up and contacted me prior or is hurt that he thinks I tried to end it, or more likely was looking for an excuse to distance himself and I gave him a reason.

I'm going with the last one but by doing this, I'll maybe give it one last week or less and see if he tries to message me.

And if he doesn't then I'll know I tried everything and it still didn't work.

I'm definitely not going to call/text and be ignored for a third time! Nopity nope!

I call myself ruthless but he upped me, he didn't even chase it up to see if I was serious, that's harsh.

By the weekend or next week I'll just know either way. Nobody likes game playing but he and I were just doing it playfully and it backfired on both of us.

Part of me thinks he's winding me up and staying away on purpose for revenge and just to get me to plead with him to get in touch or apologise..

But that's not my style, the other part thinks he obviously doesn't give a damn.

There is also a slim chance, one day I'll bump into him on chat, we'll clear the air, one way or another.

Normally I would tell them if they're unblocked, which is a rarity but as he's not talking to me, there isn't any point.

In the last few messages that was what was conveyed. I'm playing hard to get, I love winding you up etc etc.

It wasn't malicious, we were kidding around about things, hence why I pretended to end things.

It was supposed to be haha I win, I get the last word. If he's like this for a fake fight, what would he be like for a genuine one?

Yikes! Oh and the other thing was, he wanted us to come up with a story together.

We ran some ideas together he liked the idea of the boss/employee type but I've done that before.

Plus we had different ideas on how it would unfold. I don't think it would have blossomed anywhere.

He thought by combining our skills, it would be easier but I don't think it would have.

I guess I need to be on the same page as someone I'm collaborating with..

I thought maybe I'll come up with something new and dedicate to him, we'll see.

I feel fried and horrible today. All the randoms seem to think it's easy to compose stories.

And that I should stick to unclean fiction but there are reasons why I can't do that, not even in fiction can I go there...

Goodbye H, been nice knowing you. A soft spot for you remains but I'm only letting people close to me, that want to be there, not those that don't or feel obligated to stay.

There was something special about you, vulnerable, tough, open, caring, sweet, hilarious and a true communicator. 

Full sentences, full conversations, opinions of your own and topics readily to hand.

I don't think we ever stuttered or said, Now what do we talk about? There was no awkward silences, it just flowed.

You're going to be hard to replace, but replace you I will.

But to put it out there, I did like and care about you, not something I admit or feel that often but I did for you.

-X- -x- - X- 

Ps just to get you out of my system completely, I even did the kiss of death thing.

I added you to my contacts, whenever I do that, it's always followed by a big fallout, well we've had that so all that is left is continued radio silence and I can breathe easily, knowing I did my part to save us.

Then I can start to forget about you and move on to someone else, that's hopefully not going to affect me as much.

Also maybe that thing that you like and I don't actually was a dealbreaker..