#BlogLife155 - We need to talk..

Actually we don't need to talk. I need to be heard for once! You need to listen.

You're witty, smart, cute and entertaining so I can pretend that everything is equal between us..

For a while at least. I enquire about your life, your romances..

Fine is your favourite word because that's all you reply. 

You ask me about mine superficially as you know I don't date. 

It feels as though you are putting your obligatory time in and waiting until the topic switches to something fictiony/flirty/lighthearted. 

I'm getting tired of you being there but feigning ignorance. 

Sorry I was busy.. 

Sorry didn't get your message.. 

Sorry I-

I just don't care anymore. I tried to hang on to the good memories but the bad, now outweighs it. 

I had a crush on S but he judged me and cowardly ran away.

J2 I liked hanging out with but when I confronted him about being dissatisfied, there was no effort made at all. 

and C was one sided but amusing. I knew him the longest. A few years. 

J1 I honestly just like flirting with. He is one sided also but there is a more vocal presence.  

I want to be able to say to someone.. Anyone.. And have them be concerned, the way I am, when they say it to me!!

I'm having a bad day. That I feel troubled and stressed. 

I want you to prompt me for more details.

To really truly listen, pay attention and take it all in and remember that I struggle on a daily basis.

That each time I step outdoors, it takes me a while to recover. It is now Friday and my body is still in pain.

When I lay down and should feel relaxed and soothed. I want to cry because the pain has my heart locked up. 

I feel like what happened to me, is fresh. I feel the same tightness. The very same pains and aches.

I feel trapped and helpless and so scared. The tears are trickling down my face because I don't want to feel like that.

There is absolutely nobody that listens and cares. I kid myself that you do. That you did.

Walking away, judging me and not bothering to ask how I am? Clearly tells me otherwise.

Today I realise I am better off without you.

I needed you to care about someone other than yourself and to acknowledge my requirements. 

I realised you didn't act concerned at all today and frankly it's unacceptable. That was the last straw. 

Farewell indefinitely. I already said my goodbyes to you. 

One accepted it, the other ignored it and the ghost, I now have my closure from.

My banter will be two way from now on. I'm not sure why I expected more from all of you but I did.

You all thought I was going to settle for your dismissive attitudes forever?

Nope I am too good for that and deserve way more but I had a good time while it lasted.

The worst thing about all of you is that you all know I crave this closeness, this intimacy but you go along with it in the most minimum way and then just put a barrier up.

I feel like you know to a degree, that I put myself out there and share things and you side step, side track and get me off on a new tangent so that I don't realise at first, you haven't opened up much or at all.

Even just at the basic level, what you are up to. What your weekend was like. There are no details whatsoever.

Inconsequential chatter is your forte. I realise that now. In the beginning I can take it but afterwards. Yeesh. It's not enough.

There is something about me that needs to be extra understanding. I have no earthly idea why. The crappy thing is, you realise and exploit my nature!!!

Only when I have forged this deep connection with you, do I look for excuses, to gather why you must be acting this aloofly. 

Instead of meeting me half way and being a decent respectful human being. You crack jokes and tease and just distract me, this whole time.

You truly are heartless acquaintances. You all are! At long last my rose tinted glasses have been smashed away and I see you all as you appear.

Selfish, arrogant and cruelly apathetic!

Goodbye and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!

You can finally drop the pretence, we both know, you never ever gave a damn!!