#BlogLife853 - Oops I forgot I ghosted you

Ha, the craziness of the randoms. That is the second one that pmmed me and forgot he ghosted me, then when I pointed it out...

Gone! Lol! I didn't think the H reunion would turn out like this but now I know he's a chickeny asshat!

That didn't have the courage to face me and say something like, after careful consideration, I don't see us as compatible or whatever crap was going on in his puny brain!

Then I thought I talked about this (and this is why I make lil notes).

There was another one called B, he and I talked for quite a while, he said it was a re-introduction, everything was fine..

Until he insisted on viewing the blog, didn't like it at all and then promptly without explanation ghosted me. Ass!

That's why I reiterate this blog is for women only mainly because they are way less judgy.

They actually will take the time to read it and understand where I'm coming from, maybe there is a reason I'm angry, or sad or fearful...!

I'm not just ranting for the sake of it or in a certain mood on a whim, without any valid reasoning behind it.

Maybe don't insist on bloody reading it, if you can't handle my truths!

Or maybe, read more than one bloody post and then realise Ohhh that's why she's like that..

Childhood, health, family, relationships it all adds up. It all takes a toll on me.

I'm nowhere near my bullying family, but even in my dreams I can't get any peace because they haunt me and that fear and unease comes back.

The thing is, I never foist my blog onto people, they always insist on seeing it, I feel this pressure eventually to share it but when I do, I don't feel understood.

But again, if they bothered to read my tagline, they would realise it's not warm and fluffy, some of it is deep and meaningful.

Some is humour, with the spoofs and silliness. There are scattered food and beauty reviews..

And then there is the brutality of my real every day life struggles.

Or maybe they are hoping to see a photo of me? Hah fat chance!

#BlogLife836 - Closure for real this time

I did a silly thing. I haven't been able to distract myself from thinking about H.

I want answers and closure that I'm not going to get. Did I block him too soon?

2 and a half days of being blanked doesn't seem it but what if something happened?

I decided even though it's a waste of time unblocking, I would do it anyway.

It's only been from Monday lunchtime to Tuesday 10pmish. Only 2 days.

But he might have been trying to get in contact, highly unlikely, he doesn't chase and nor do I.

Pride goeth before a falleth. I miss the days where you could block someone and check to see if they called, even though it didn't go through.

Plus you could sneakily read the texts they sent, even if they weren't in your inbox.

Ha! I loved that feature even though it's now gone. It was handy in case there was a misunderstanding or you weren't sure you did the right thing.

I'm feeling pretty awful today, hence why whichever post is going to go up late.

It's been all day hard crampage, ugh, so as I thought there's so far been no texts from him.

Either he gave up and contacted me prior or is hurt that he thinks I tried to end it, or more likely was looking for an excuse to distance himself and I gave him a reason.

I'm going with the last one but by doing this, I'll maybe give it one last week or less and see if he tries to message me.

And if he doesn't then I'll know I tried everything and it still didn't work.

I'm definitely not going to call/text and be ignored for a third time! Nopity nope!

I call myself ruthless but he upped me, he didn't even chase it up to see if I was serious, that's harsh.

By the weekend or next week I'll just know either way. Nobody likes game playing but he and I were just doing it playfully and it backfired on both of us.

Part of me thinks he's winding me up and staying away on purpose for revenge and just to get me to plead with him to get in touch or apologise..

But that's not my style, the other part thinks he obviously doesn't give a damn.

There is also a slim chance, one day I'll bump into him on chat, we'll clear the air, one way or another.

Normally I would tell them if they're unblocked, which is a rarity but as he's not talking to me, there isn't any point.

In the last few messages that was what was conveyed. I'm playing hard to get, I love winding you up etc etc.

It wasn't malicious, we were kidding around about things, hence why I pretended to end things.

It was supposed to be haha I win, I get the last word. If he's like this for a fake fight, what would he be like for a genuine one?

Yikes! Oh and the other thing was, he wanted us to come up with a story together.

We ran some ideas together he liked the idea of the boss/employee type but I've done that before.

Plus we had different ideas on how it would unfold. I don't think it would have blossomed anywhere.

He thought by combining our skills, it would be easier but I don't think it would have.

I guess I need to be on the same page as someone I'm collaborating with..

I thought maybe I'll come up with something new and dedicate to him, we'll see.

I feel fried and horrible today. All the randoms seem to think it's easy to compose stories.

And that I should stick to unclean fiction but there are reasons why I can't do that, not even in fiction can I go there...

Goodbye H, been nice knowing you. A soft spot for you remains but I'm only letting people close to me, that want to be there, not those that don't or feel obligated to stay.

There was something special about you, vulnerable, tough, open, caring, sweet, hilarious and a true communicator. 

Full sentences, full conversations, opinions of your own and topics readily to hand.

I don't think we ever stuttered or said, Now what do we talk about? There was no awkward silences, it just flowed.

You're going to be hard to replace, but replace you I will.

But to put it out there, I did like and care about you, not something I admit or feel that often but I did for you.

-X- -x- - X- 

Ps just to get you out of my system completely, I even did the kiss of death thing.

I added you to my contacts, whenever I do that, it's always followed by a big fallout, well we've had that so all that is left is continued radio silence and I can breathe easily, knowing I did my part to save us.

Then I can start to forget about you and move on to someone else, that's hopefully not going to affect me as much.

Also maybe that thing that you like and I don't actually was a dealbreaker..

#BlogLife747 -Hello! I'm Ghost and I've returned :)

I've just been trying to pluck my brows with the tweezers but it's all so blurry.

I give up, sod it, messy brows is the new me. The right one is still noticeably red and sore to the touch, yeesh.

The left one although not perfect, looks a tad presentable-ish. The right is just a mess, ha.

I did something after I returned from Mama's that I don't usually do.

I went ahead and unblocked A, he was the one that was obsessed with photos but aside from that, we got on well.

It's funny though that I didn't create a cheat sheet for him, no details whatsoever so when I was looking through the legions of blocked guys, I couldn't recall his name.

Finally realised it was A and there were several and none looked familiar. I figured he deleted his account but I unblocked all the namesakes anyway.

Then Saturday night up he popped and said Hi. I was so shocked, I didn't even know if it was the right person.

But suddenly all the previous chat reappeared and I scrolled up and thought Ahhh, it is him.

I wasn't sure if he'd be annoyed at being blocked and that we had words and that I disappeared.

But I'm not sure he realised, ha. He asked point blank, is this the first time you've been back?

And I said honestly No. I took some time out, things happened and I was away for a while too.

He said that he almost unsubscribed a few times but kept returning

I didn't actually confess I had blocked him. Our last conversation was tense.

He was saying, he wanted regular photos and I replied that at a push, sending one, would be it, for me.

So he is better seeking out someone that is happy to provide that and then I blocked him.

As one I felt a lil bullied, that was the only thing he pressured me about, but it was constant.

Secondly, we had a deeper connection than I'm used too and that scared me a lot.

I'm not someone that opens up to many people. I think it all became overwhelming and I needed to step back and it was the right decision at the time.

It's not something I'm comfortable with at all. When I was standing in front of Mama's full length mirror, where she had lots of natural light.

I studied myself and thought, I see no evidence of weight loss, whatsoever, what is the point of a healthier lifestyle??

But other people have noticed and obviously the dress sizes keep going down so that keeps me motivated.

But the mirror image, the photos, do nothing for my confidence levels, as someone that grew up ashamed of my body, whether slim or not.

There was a lot of self loathing and when I was dating, I felt like there was more criticisms, than compliments, which made my self-esteem just plummet further.

It's a prickly topic for me but occasionally I'll push myself out of my warm fluffy safe existence and do something, I hate for personal growth.

I mentioned just before I left for Mama's I snapped a selfie and at Mama's I snapped a full length one, with my face included.

The first one was covered by the phone but my hair looked fantastic.

The point is that I sent him both of those when he asked because I wanted to maybe put him off or test the waters and although it probably would sting a lil if he said, Sorry you're just too unattractive for me.

Overall I would have accepted it and said Alright, thanks for being honest and re-blocked him lol.

Okay just checked he didn't block me, there isn't those dots instead of the last seen ? hours ago.

He says he prefers the fuller figure and his reaction was, the short do, suits me and he called me "Pretty."

I reject that completely but I don't see myself as hideous either.

I'm passable I guess. This time I didn't feel backed into a corner.

I think I had already decided to send it to him before he asked. I made it on my terms though, not his time frame.

That was just better for me. Actually the funny thing is, he didn't offer to send me one of himself and he doesn't seem to want a phone or on site microphone chat.

It does make me wonder, if he'll suddenly confess, Oh by the way, I'm married, I thought you knew............

Like most of them tend to blurt out... Hmm...

But I'm separated..

But we're basically just roommates..

But she doesn't get me...

And my favourite...

We're just living together until we can sell up..

I always think, I'm sure the wives are oblivious and seemingly content.

I guess we'll find out, if he was worth unblocking but there's something calming about him, that stood out.

I really felt heard, in each of our conversations and when we dissected our last breakup chat type thing.

He said, Maybe I should have been more patient and understanding..

And I said, Well you were being upfront with your needs but I still felt a bit, as though I was backed into a corner.

Another thing I respect about him, is the quiet air of confidence.

It's not arrogance, he's not fishing for compliments. It's just matter of fact and that's another rare quality.

Someone that's not me, me, me and has the natural back and forth, that we have.

Enough rambling, just had to get that off my chesticles. See you tomorrow, hopefully.....

#BlogLife724 - Left the boiler on all night, oops

I heard the boiler clicking and chirping but I didn't think much of it and I hoped it wasn't faulty again.

This morning I went to put it on, but it was high already but I felt the radiators and they were cold.

I left it on for a bit just to keep it ticking over. I think it switched itself off at some point.

I didn't feel boiling, just warm, last night but that's been typical of late. I put that down to the humidity. I've definitely turned it back off now.

I finished binging Land Girls, it ended on a cliffhanger, maybe they assumed they would be renewed?

I blocked N, our last chat ended weirdly. He didn't say Hi for ages and then when he did, claimed to have connection issues.

When that happened to me, I texted him and said, I'm not ignoring you, I wouldn't be that rude and he said he appreciated that.

Yet he stayed online but didn't talk or text, which was thoughtless and now over a week later, nothing.

I don't chase, so that's done. Maybe he just didn't want to communicate anymore but he could have just told me, I wouldn't have cared, he was a fly by night random.

Then there was yet another J, he said we had spoken a while ago and he was reacquainting but I had probably blocked him.

He was weirdly enough my age and that's highly unusual. He seemed okay, claimed to be patient and then stopped talking, the moment I said, No I wouldn't send him a photo or to let me take some time to consider it.

They are all the same really, appear nice but as soon as they don't get their way, they write you off.

If that was me, I wouldn't push for something that makes one uncomfortable, I would just eventually migrate to a call and get to know them slowly that way.

To play Devil's advocate I can see most men view not picture swapping as a dealbreaker.

But again I wish they would be upfront and say, Well that's essential for me so I'll bid you farewell.

I would like for a guy to get to know me and not give me ultimatums.

Get to know my personality and not focus on my appearance. I chatted to one last night, that said Don't you care what I look like?

And I replied No, I preferring thinking of males as faceless blobs.

It would take me a lot to meet someone, a lot, a lot, a lot. So for now, I don't care.

MC doesn't demand I reply straight away, he always ends it with text me tomorrow....

I never do though lol. Well maybe once, I see it as, if you wanna talk to me, then text me yourself, don't wait for me to chase you.

Like I'm sitting around all day thinking of you.....Pffft purleasee. I got other priorities, the stories won't write themselves.

The blogs I compose sometimes days in advance. I'm always writing something daily.

Oooh the special Postie brought the 2 Vatika conditioners. Argan soybean and the Sweet Almond, just in time as my hair is quite greasy.

Oh I should do the oil treatment too.

#BlogLife713 - More random drama

I've got a sinking feeling, the next period is due soon. That has never happened, I don't think, 3 periods in one month? Yeesh!

My skin is properly breaking out now, I feel extremely bloated, even with all the water I'm consuming.

The nausea is coming every morning. The sugar cravings aren't stopping and my mood is changing, I feel really annoyed.

I was literally just going to block one of the randoms today, when he decided to text me, after ghosting me since Saturday.

Four days of blanking me, with no apology in sight. What was his excuse? 

Oh I was busy being away on a Stag do. Normally I would accept that, it's a mini break, you're detached from your phone.

My problem with this is, the Friday night, where you were still away, you spent all night messaging me.

If you wanted space or had no time, you could have just said. Listen I'm going to be with my friends, we have activities planned so in a week or so, will be back in touch.

But NOOOOO, men don't think about these things, considering someone else's feelings, just their own!!!

I just replied that I don't talk to ghosts and he reiterated that he was away.

I knew this one was temporary, he was too laidback for my liking, wasn't local and probably only got in touch, because he was bored, as an afterthought, nope nope nope!

I'm too good for that. He replied asking how he could fix things?

And I realised all I wanted was a respectful apology and that would suffice so I said search your brain but it's doubtful you can rectify it as I was going to block you anyway.

And he couldn't think of a single thing to repair it, so he said I'll leave you to it lol.

Then I blocked him. I'm not available 24-7, nor should the randoms be.

But ghosting seems to happen within a day or a few and that's just the way it unfolds so I always have a sense of it and don't want to waste my time.

Ugh my brain, there was other stuff that I needed to get off my chest but that was the biggest and now I can't remember the rest lol.

Oh that was it. I strained my right leg, it happened yesterday, walking and standing on it, was achy and then painful.

Even laying down with it so I found it hard to nap, where there is significant pain and I can't get comfortable.

This morning it was still really tender and then it weirdly just went back to normal.

So strange but I do recall that they felt extremely tired, my whole body was drained all day yesterday but my legs, felt especially lifeless.

If it isn't one thing, it's something else, ugh. I just want this heatwave over and done with.