#BlogLife608 - This truth hurts will set me free

Song of the day - Swappi - Christmas Morning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt8MhaLucfY&list=PLC743C3F57E46E499&index=60

I'm glad this day is over, my lenses have been irritating me all day, pure watery tears and burning but I always seem to recall what I want to talk about after I've just posted.

I spoke to Mama and she doesn't want a robe because she has a bunch but she also hurt her arm/shoulder while swimming.

But it's better now and she properly tried out the massage chair mat thingy I got her and it's just what she needed/wanted.

She actually harangued herself for not using it sooner. Ha. I'm thrilled it's something useful.

I'm eager to sample it when I next visit. Iceland had these chicken balti pies that I was curious about..

I finally bought it, 4 in a pack £2.75, on the small side but for me it's just right.

I know I say I'm not a fan of spicy dishes but this is mild and well seasoned, pretty tasty and is such a winter food.

My whole face warms up and it's not burning my mouth off, the spice doesn't linger and get stronger, it's bearable.

I do recommend them as something new to try. I just started my period yesterday and I'm hoping it finishes quickly.

I think I skipped last month and if I go to Mama's I might end up leaving at the end of this week.

Normally she prefers me to arrive just before Christmas but I guess she's all organised and I could do with switching off and relaxing.

There is just one hiccup before I can leave, I need to know that the other sibling won't be present.

She hasn't mentioned it and that's concerning me. I even had this crazy daydream that she ambushed me and I was so peeved that my filter was removed.

And I told her everything that I had kept silent about, how I didn't want to be around them, how I tried to harm myself, plus how I was harmed by others, just because I was avoiding being at home.

She was shocked and full of disbelief, which I think would be an accurate reaction from her.

But instead of feeling guilty for telling the truth....... I should have felt bad about it but I felt.. Unburdened, this sense of relief that she could not live in denial anymore.

The best bit was saying I don't ever want to hear their names anymore unless it's about their passing because I deserve to live without fear and have a sense of safety around me.

I'm still not going to reveal any of it but in that fictional moment, it was satisfying to be released from some sort of blame that was put upon me.

Like I was the bad child, the cause of headaches, while I just tried to survive.

She'll never know what impact my childhood had/has on me and in this way I got to share it, without her defending them, or accepting the blame on herself.

When I want/need is for her to finally say.. They were cruel to you and I should have stopped it and I regret that I didn't and that I didn't remove them from the house sooner.

As usual I don't know if I'll be blogging while I'm away, if I do because I'm eager to do the drinks reviews, it definitely won't be every day, that's for sure.

#BlogLife114 - Dating confessions

How are all you doing? Here in the UK, the weather is crazy, I go from shivering to boiling hot in the blink of an eye. It started off raining and then the sun was beaming in the sky.

I decided to get up early and run errands. My mind went totally blank though. I was wearing this orangey/yellow flamey flowy top and dark purple trousers.

I didn't have time to do my makeup. The buses were running out of whack, it is normally supposed to be every ten minutes but it was twice that and even then, it kept changing so I wanted to hustle and have a quick trip to the market and then home again.

I topped up my oyster and finally found some plain, un-tinted lip balm, I've been searching for ages and finally saw it. £1.40 which isn't bad really.

When I get back, my whole body feels as though it is locked up. The pain is starting to spread and my back feels stiff and sore.

I shuffle around and end up walking like Frankenstein because my body is now so tired and tense that it just wants to rest and let the pain subside.

I just took the easy route and put my hair in a pony tail. I'm not sure if Iceland sells it but nothing came up in the search. Alright now it is time to clear my conscience...

I don't think I have talked about this before but forgive me if I have. Even though I have been stood up a bunch of times and it really knocks your confidence....

I actually did that, not once but twice, to two different guys. Now before you point and glare and scream at me for being heartless......

Let me explain the circumstances. The first time it happened, I was seventeen and nobody had ever asked me out before. He was late twenties and cute and nobody my age, was interested.

I think since I was 14/15yrs old. I was beginning to be noticed by older men, never anyone younger or the same age, which I thought was a bit strange and a bit sad but that's life.

I thought to myself I need an ice breaker. One guy to start me off and get my confidence going. He wasn't ideal but he had a pulse.

(Oops forgot to point out I was 17yrs old at this point). 

However when the evening wore on, I just felt completely unprepared and out of my depth. I ran all these wild ridiculous scenarios in my head and talked myself out of it.

I'm not sure if I had a phone at that point. I don't honestly think we swapped numbers. We had just arranged to meet somewhere and go to the movies.

I felt really bad but then on the other hand, I was trying to justify it saying, well he should be dating women his own damn age lol.

Anyway after a couple of days passed I dug up some courage and visited his workplace. A fashion boutique store. He was really annoyed but he insisted we try again or maybe I did..

Who can remember?? I was still a wreck but I thought I'm sure I'll relax eventually and I did. It was strange though. He kept trying to reach for my bag..

Then at anything remotely suggestive, he covered my eyes. The movie was horrendous. It was Get Shorty. I'll never forget it because I was falling asleep and so was he.

Then suddenly about half way, he says come on, I have to go home now. I'll drive you home but bear in mind. I do not have a valid licence.

I just gave him the most peculiar look and said I would walk home or get the bus. I'm not about to get into a car with someone who hasn't passed their damn test.

Plus I just had this sixth sense that he just wanted to drive me somewhere remote and make a proper move and I was not interested at all at this point.

He seemed really outraged that I wouldn't get in the car, which proved my point. I remember he kept trying to hold my hand, lean on my shoulder and it was as though he was forcing comfortability/intimacy upon me.

Trying to fast track it, which just unnerved me completely. I shrugged him off repeatedly. I can't just be made to feel something that I do not.

As for the second one, he and I had been texting and calling for months I think and decided to meet up. We didn't swap photos but descriptions.

I turned up and he was nothing like he had described. Different build, different hair colour. It just completely floored me.

I was just thinking why would you lie about the basics and what else are you deceiving me about? I should have just confronted him and said my peace...

But that's not really my style so before he clocked it was me. Actually truth be told, he texted and asked if that was me and I said no and left.

That was quite horrible of me. I just wasn't in the mood to have a screaming match in public. I felt horribly guilty and know I would never do that again to someone, no matter the circumstances.

Try not to hate me, I'm just a flawed person but I can hold my hand up and own up to them. I did wrong and I'm sorry that doesn't make it right but it's something.