#BlogLife885 - UC's job is to fuck with my head!

Good lord my head will explode. Why does UC make everything so damn complicated, why so much confusing double talk, good grief.

I do not understand it at all! They responded to my query suggesting I use food banks, wtf!

Also they said me and the landlord have inconsistent amounts, it's the same fucking thing, jesus!

I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. They make me feel like I'm just lying about everything, ugh.

Why can't they talk English?? It feels like I'm conversing with lawyers, nothing is straightforward at all.

I don't even know what the right thing to put is. I wish they would have said Fuck Off! It would have been so much easier.

They are now saying, the rent amount is different, (but they've written the amount I told them). FFS.

I'm sure they do this shit on purpose to avoid covering people's rent, there is no way this is an accident.

I don't understand the issue with the service charge, it's a part of the fucking rent, I still pay for it. 

I hate them so much! Adding to my stress levels! I swear I am going mad.

Every time I try to calculate the rent, to make sure it's the correct amount I get a different number.

I just went ahead and confirmed that the landlord amount is right and mine is wrong, because from my notes, that seems to be the accurate figure.

I will never understand UC, if the landlord themselves are saying I'm charged for the service charge, shouldn't they take that as fact????

I'm glad that I also added a note to say, you thought the rent increase was happening in April but no it's going to happen in October.

I just checked out some job sites the dodo advisor told me to start using, totally useless for one, nothing near my area.

And for two, one is bloody worldwide, what a moron! Honestly and these are the sites he wants me to use???

The ones I have on my favourites list are far superior! Ugh, twits the lot of them!!

At least I've done what I could, it's in their hands now. Although I still feel an idiot.

Anyway I got talking to one of the randoms a few days ago and he seemed alright but for some reason my brain told me to be extra cautious so I didn't give out many details, I usually don't anyway.

He suggested a phone chat so I thought why not? I called on private number and he didn't mind that that much..

Although he kinda grilled me on what I was after and I said just a conversation, I take it chat by individual chat, unless I feel some sort of connection.

So then he said Ohhh this is a one off then and I said not necessarily, I always assess it afterwards and see.

And he was replying No no no, you just want a one off chat and I was thinking if that was the case, I would have said so, ugh.

I got the impression M wanted more, although there were more red flags as he repeatedly said that he was a nice guy..

The genuine, don't advertise they are nice, they let their words and actions speak for themselves.

Moving along, He kept saying, You're so secretive what are you hiding?

And I'm wondering why he doesn't accept that I'm not an open book, I share what I'm comfy with, the rest I won't be bullied into revealing.

And finally the subject of age came up as I don't sound or look my age, but I think a fair bit younger so he asked me to clarify my age, which was fine but then I did the same to him.....

My word he had deducted 10-15 years off. Why do they do that???

I was disappointed in that. If you lie about the basics, what else are you fabricating?

The basic level of trust is gone and he was just laughing about it, saying Oh I don't reveal everything about me until much later.

Instead of admitting fault and being a man, he chose to deflect onto me and say, that's the pot calling the kettle black, aka calling me a hypocrite.

I confronted him and said What did I lie about exactly?? As I haven't I'm just a private person.

Then he came up Oh you won't tell me anything personal, I said Yea I'm reserved but I'm truthful, you flat out lied.

I went completely off chatting to him after that, at least if you're caught out, own up to it and say.....

Well I hide my true age because younger females might feel they can't relate to me and I still feel young at heart, or some garbage, I mean come on...

His profile I'm sure said 40yrs-ish and his true age.....? 54 years old, that's a huge frigging leap!!

If you must and I don't advise it, as trust is hard to come by, shave off a few years not ten+!

The other thing I rolled my eyes out was the constant mention of sex and I was sighing as I said, Yea that's you guys favourite subject and he denied it and kept bringing it up lol.

There are hundreds of other topics to discuss and yet you focus on that??!!

I kinda wanted to hang up on him but that's too rude so I just said Well take care and disconnected because honesty is important to me.

I don't need every aspect of their life, just the gist. Where are they located?

What is their age? What is their gender? What is their relationship status?

It helps if they are somewhat silly and humorous but I can have serious chats too, although not at the moment, I'm too frazzled.

I just got a text to say, they are doing that landlord home inspection survey thingy next week and I'm dreading that, 2 male strangers in my home for an extended period.

I'm literally hoping they visit every room except my bedroom. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, if that happens.

There's too much on my mind, so I'm just going to file that away until it happens.

I didn't really sleep that much last night and I was up early for the Iceland order of which he came later than expected, I could have had an extra hours rest.

One last thing, an insult to injury from UC, they increased this months amount by £7, what was the point? *eye roll*

I was so consumed with worry and sickness on Tuesday, I forgot my Oyster travel card, I never do that.

This weekend I hope to find a way to unburden myself. If it's on, I'm looking forward to the new episode of Sherlock and Daughter tonight.

#BlogLife884 - Surrounded by idiots

Thank heavens the coding course he referred me into, isn't local or online, it's in person so screw that, I wasn't interested anyhow.

Twit! It's literally annoying me that they are so incompetent they don't see suitable vacancies and assume nothing is available but I do find them, luckily I get rejected though :)

He literally said to me, there isn't any remote/work from home positions and I argued and said Yes there is, I've seen them.

That's why he bullied me into applying for the coding crap course, when I wasn't interested.

Also he said Oh I can refer you to some jobs I've seen but they are in person.

Why the fuck does being long term ill, present such an issue? Like I said, they want me to pretend I'm fine and not in intense physical pain.

Fuckers!!! At least my former advisor understood my limitations, she knew how sick I was, knew I couldn't deal with travelling every day and the physical demands of a work placement.

I go out for an hour or even less and by the time I get home I am shattered, my body has locked up, the pain, the stiffness is spreading and I have zero energy.

What am I, faking for the bloody attention?? In one way, I hope they force me to accept a position and on that first day, I will fall apart completely.

The pain will kill me, I will bawl my eyes out, trying to walk, trying to lift, trying to sit still, trying to stand and I'll beg them to let me go home and quit because I won't be able to function, at all.

In fact I'll be shaking so badly, I'll struggle to get to the bus stop and get myself home.

But I have to pretend I'm okay, all the flipping time, because I'm never taken seriously as a sick, disabled person with limitations.

Ooh those chocolates I bought are fancy. It's not like ferreros, it's truffles with this crispy crunchy inside, pretty nice and of course hazelnuts, so will bring some for Mama and her friend next week.

I'm so tired but have washed off the makeup and got the blankie, so that helps. 

Plus I shoved the food in the fridge, I wasn't up to eating a lot. The cashier was asking me about the lemon cake if I've tried it, but I haven't, it was £3.

It does look similar to the chocolate iced coffee cake one and that was sublime.

Unfortunately as I've said, I don't have the munchies so maybe tomorrow when I feel calmer.

I'm just going to message the UC idiot again and get it over and done with, there's no way he can claim not to receive this message.

FFS! I did it, wrote it on email and copied and pasted it and it did deliver as I saw it on my timeline.

I'm sure they'll say it's not our concern, just because each month your £200/£300 over budget, use up your damn savings then come crying to us.

Anyway, the cake is similar to the coffee one, lovely soft sponge and thick tasty icing which isn't too sweet just very tasty.

The stress is getting too much so I'm escaping in my head pretending everything is hunky dory and that I'm in a relationship where I'm supported and looked after and I don't have the same burdens as I do now.

It's way easier to live in la la land. I have leftovers for breakfast actually it's lunchtime now.

My body needed the rest so that's good.

#BlogLife798 - My body is old, my mind is ageless/Bitch strikes again!

Album of the day - Madonna - Immaculate Collection

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-pXUCkcCgY

Normally as it's December I would post Christmassy songs but I'm still recovering and although my back is better, my legs are really achy and painful, so walking is a struggle.

However as I was about to wash off the mud mask, I just remembered how much I loved listening to this album on cd, over and over again at home and dancing and singing along to it.

I put it on and immediately my cares melted away and I sang my lil heart out, it felt good to dance and forget the pain for a bit, it's returned but for those few minutes, that was bliss :)

This is what I mean, by music inspiring me and distracting me from focusing on the negative aspects of my multiple ailments.

I'll give myself a manicure and pedicure tomorrow and I should do my brows also, I haven't really looked to see how untidy they are.

I was not upto stopping and getting a brow shape, felt too rough, to stop for even a second.

Ugh and I forgot to oil my hair. I think with music, I almost feel normal, like everyone else, not someone constantly struggling with their mood and physical capabilities.

It's Sunday afternoony and I just had some croissants for breakfast, I managed to sleep in this weekend, which felt good.

I'm still struggling to be on my feet and my hands are extremely delicate but I'm persevering.

I decided to use the last of the Parissa wax strips and if they weren't peeling off only a quarter or halfway, the wax had dried up,

Unusable so I think only a handful actually worked, totally crap and a waste of money.

Thankfully I now have a place to get my brows done professionally, although for some reason the lift floors confuse me.

I seem to get totally disorientated as they look the same. Maybe the slight claustrophobia is affecting my brain.

Anyway my brows were in good shape, only a few stragglers to pluck so that was simple.

I chopped my nails and tidied those up and I'm just charging my battery operated pumice pedicure tool to finish off my tootsies.

The only thing left is to finish the washing and do a deep hair oil conditioning treatment but I'll do that next week probably.

Oh and I thought of one last Christmas wishlist item, a new slightly bigger cross body bag, mine is a couple new years old I think and I wouldn't mind a replacement.

Oh I knew she was waiting until Christmas to get back to me. The person from the DWP finally called and this was from the beginning of October.

She had the whole of November to follow up with me but Noooo, she waits until Christmas, I called it.

I knew she was waiting to fuck it up and send me on another bloody rollercoaster.

It's been so long I can't recall the exact bloody words she used but suddenly what I sent in to her, isn't good enough!!!

LIke fuck it isn't. I complied!!! She's apparently satisfied with the Bank statements but not the Paypal.

FFS!!! I sent in as I'm sure she requested, transaction history. Now she says, that isn't what she wanted.....

Now she's given me 2 weeks to send in the correct thing, which is balance history?

Isn't it the same fucking thing???? So now I have to figure out how to do that garbage, walk halfway to town, spend another frigging what was it £60???

To print this crap out again, for what fucking reason??? Plus I'm still looking at courses to enroll in and most are saying they are unavailable.

I was just letting my guard down, just forgetting about all this and then, big reminder, chaos reigns supreme over me!

Ugh!!! Looking back at the wasted expensive download, I think she wants a running tally of each transaction, mine just has the deductions not the remaining balance.

But still, very poor excuse to get in touch with me because everything was still included, she saw what was incoming and what I spent money on.

I think this is spite because she didn't see huge lump sums of money, the way she accused me before and her acting skills have gotten better.

She was all softly spoken and "friendly" for a vulture!! Anyway I'm still Googlying how to do this and I have a week before I go to Mama's.

By Friday I want to have everything done, my last UC appointment, the course and this printout bs!!!

Then I can go to Mama's on the 24th and forget this garbage! I've almost lost my appetite again, and I can feel the stress engulfing me.

But I'm trying to be strong, step by step, I shall figure it out and complete it.

There is definitely no time for creative writing, sorry stories, no completions for you!

#BlogLife773 - All that remains.../Designed to fail *foul foul language*

Crikey I had a mini panic, trying to locate where Paypal hid the bulk statement file but it was under Activity report and I just downloaded it.

I attached it to a draft email and then when I go to the library tomorrow to print it, I don't know if I have to decompress it first, hopefully not.

Plus as it's public access, I have to remember to logout of email after I've finished.

I just want it all over and done with, there's only so much worry a person can go through, until they just try to carry on as normal.

Ha I just picked up my phone and was listening to music and Mama called to wish me luck for tomorrow, that was sweet but it's only part one.

I won't have any news about the fine or worse for a while or next week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be an introduction but maybe they will turn around and say, You're rejected, fend for yourself..

Good luck paying your expenses and Welcome to Homelessness......

I can't dwell on it anymore, it affects my sleep. It's just always there in the front and back of my mind, making me nuts.

I'll probably add to this when I get back Friday afternoony, although if it's particularly brutal, I might just curl up on my bed and weep for a lifetime......

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself without relying on anyone.

I don't need the stress, even if I do deserve it.

Well today was a complete more or less bust. I went to the Bank, thinking ok maybe 20 minutes, to print it out, nope.

They order it and it takes 5 working days, how the hell that is going to fit into one envelope, I don't know.

Then I go to the library, only to be told I don't have to queue and then either the computers are broken or they ask for login details.

So back to waiting in line ages, then she sets me up and I go to my email, only to be told, they need to verify, so have emailed Msn, of which thankfully, my phone let me login but it didn't send the verification email.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!!!!

Finally got in, was ready to download it, but then it said it's 134 pages! What the fuck???

I can't carry that, let alone print it. I just left and called up and I was hoping, she would say send me the file, but it was Nope, we don't accept that!!

She said, spend a few trips, going back, do it double sided, 67 fucking pages to print still???!!!

What a bitch!!! She could have easily accepted the file, but nope, I have to go through all this shit multiple times.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

All this isn't supposed to cost anything, I'll end up paying for the printouts, the envelopes, stamps, probably sellotape, oyster fare.

All because they want to put me through this headache, when they know all the fucking information anyway.

She's extended the time from from the deadline of the 18th October, to the 1st November.

I'm sore and exhausted. I should go back to the library and start printing but fuck that.

As for the Universal Credit side of things, surprisingly that all went smoothly.

It was just accept the terms and she said she would speak to my other JSA advisor about cancelling Tuesday's appointment.

Then they will email me my next meeting time and that seems done.

Jail seems easier than this. Two last things, during the Universal Credit appointment, she said Oh if at anytime you're not fit to work, just go ahead and see your doctor for a sick note.......

Yea I'll get right on that, they didn't even recognise me as sick, when I was critical!!!

Secondly my back is killing me, I am fantasising about my salmon and avocado sushi, that I'll probably never eat again.

I would love to have ordered that but I have to be sensible. Bills first, food second.

Oh one last thing, which was just weird and almost laughable, was when they assumed I was attending a JSA appointment and I said No, it's a Universal Credit one, the guy whooped and said Yea Good you joined us....

Umm, ok, I'm going to miss my JSA advisor though, she was really sweet, she mostly understood the health side of my complexities.

Anyway I tried my best to get everything done today, notified the relevant parties, attended where I was supposed too.

Now I'm going to just wait and decide what to do next week. The thought of going out multiple times, knowing I have to be on my feet when I get back to cook, is not appealing.

It's almost worth not eating, but no, I'm going to try and see how I cope.

Sigh, I just want some peace, without drama or obligations, can't I be sick in peace and quiet???

Well it's now Monday, I didn't hear back about Tomorrow's cancelled appointment, I called up and was advised to attend it.

I'm kinda glad in a way, I get to speak to her one last time, my old advisor and I don't know whether I should beg for her help with the printing.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible but that is a lot to ask, I think I'm desperate enough.

67 pages though, that's such an unreasonable favour. If she did it for me, I would get her a gift to say Thank you, maybe lunch or something.

They are probably not allowed to receive kickbacks but this isn't a bribe, this is gratitude.

I need help, I admit it, this one time, I can't manage it alone, I strive to struggle and rely on myself completely but to hell with it, if she says No, there will not be any hard feelings.

I will just do it in sections at the library and then the post office and try to fit it all in, before the freaking end of the month deadline.

Wouldn't it be nice to get it all printed at once and not have multiple draining trips?

Then I'm still waiting for the Bank statements to arrive and that's a whole load, they have to be sorted into piles of envelopes, then weighed and sent off also.

So much to do and I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it but I guess lil by lil I will complete it.

Doesn't mean I won't grumble constantly though. Hmm ok, that's my battleplan.

This just feels never-ending. 

#BlogLife753 - Am I cracking up? Crackers for crackers (bad language)

I've gone off bread, rolls and rotis for a while so I thought I would get some crackers and dips.

I've been buying Krackawheat and Ritz and thought I would see what else is available.

I saw this 250g Gullon tub for a pound. I didn't know they did savoury things too.

And it was the garlic and herb version, the other one is cheese, but the first one sounds tastier and I was right.

They are tiny crackers but it's a huge tub that will last, who knows how long.

Hooray for once these crackers are not over salted, plenty of flavour and having just tried the Primula sour cream and chive, which I had a feeling I wouldn't like much but it's something different....

The garlic and herb one is strong but so tasty. I recommend that one. The sour cream and chives is bland, although it went well with the celery sticks I bought.

Plus when the dips finish, I still have the Nutini chocolate hazelnut which although is kept in the fridge, it spreads fairly easily.

Ha I know it's weird to double up on the garlic and herb but it's just so moreish. I can't help it :)

Just tried the malteser mint thingy. I wasn't really peckish but I thought it might ease the crampage.

It did a bit. At first there is no mint taste and then it hits you and you think hmm, why is this familiar?

It's not the best at all. Would I buy it again? Nopeee. It's like mouthwash and maltesers had a baby, that's the quality of it.

Not good as a dessert mint at all. I don't recommend it but then my taste buds could be different to yours..

As usual with some of the foodie and non items, will try and upload some photos.

Some still come out blurry though. Oh my that was a chore. I decided to do the Ocado mini shop as I had two vouchers and wanted to see if I could get away with using them both ha.

It's a shame, half my favourites were out of stock, love the samosas, the pakoras, hummus but all that was unavailable.

So at first the voucher, automatically displayed the discount but only £10 worth, it was supposed to be £15, then when I saw a lot of things weren't there, I went back to get alternatives.

I went to checkout again and this time no money off. Hmm I rang up customer services, got cut off, ughhh.

Called them again and at first she didn't really seem helpful, she said she would chase it up with their marketing team.

I was disappointed in that uncaring response and then maybe hearing it, she said, Actually you know what, I'll just send you the coupon straight away.

I thought Yay as I will get the full amount this time, but that also mean't no double greedy savings ha.

I would rather have £15 off, then £10 though and then went through fine.

I got my mild chicken sushi, sugar free drinks, Victoria sponge minis, that Muller mint yoghurt that tempted me, lol.

And of course my pitted black and green olives, that I just love snacking on throughout the day.

I did half my weekend pampering early. Massaged the hair oil in but this time, I didn't fancy using a lot, so just a bit, gave myself the usual relaxing scalp massage.

Oh and I've just done the washing and used the scent booster. Seemed like a whole capful.

I love that it uses essential oils. I'm not drowning in the fragrance though, it doesn't seem that strong.

Bit gutted about that. The next test when the clothes are dry, because I thoroughly soaked them in excess water, just to avoids stains by the fabric conditioner...

Is to see if the wonderful smell lingers for a while. Otherwise it's an expensive prop that I will not buy again.

My clothes takes ages to dry so I will hang them and see later..

It's the same typical thing, on the first day, the smell is strong but then it gets faint.

Up close, I can sense the fragrance but it's faint. I don't know if it's worth it, the clothes haven't dried yet lol.

I'm used to the perfume filling the whole room that's why it doesn't seem strong.

I picked up the clothes though and still smell it so maybe it is long lasting, just not how I pictured it.

Quite deliciously overpowering the whole room. Hmm.

Once again I chased up the contact lens, as she said call back on Wednesday when the person is dealing with orders will return.

I don't get how anyone just can't look up records and what pisses me off further, was that he the owner was there and too "busy" to talk on Monday.

When I called back, she left me on hold for ages and I thought you're brave, leaving someone irritated and keeping them waiting.

She finally returns and says Oh Yea, they've been miss-placed.

The owner isn't back until next week, he will re order them then, is that OK?????

Like fuck it isn't, but what choice do I have?? It took me badgering them, to realise it wasn't there??

Why couldn't you take the initiative and check during the 2 fucking months I've been calling to find out what the hell is happening???

Useless idiots!!! If I hadn't of called, I would still be waiting. Now I have to continue being messed around.

So I just added the least you can do is send it next day delivery when it arrives......

Silence! Bitchhhhhhhh! I am not a happy bunny!!! Considering I've been a long term customer, since I was a teenager, you would think there would be care for loyalty.

Like fuck there is!!

Do your fucking job properly. I'm sick of the blurriness!!!

#BlogLife437 - No more headphones, just earbuds?! For women??!!

This is a bit weird I'm not used to writing so many posts in advance and letting them stack up, I keep forgetting what I've written about.

Well if I have to repeat myself so be it. The Beats overhead headphones aka earmuffs ha finally just got too destroyed to wear anymore.

I loved how comfortable they were and the battery did last ages, but the cushion just fell off and all the glue kept sticking to my hands ickity yuck yuck.

I finally took a deep breath and trashed them. I usually just have at least 1 overhead pair as it blocks out sound the most, but they keep snapping and breaking so it's a waste of money.

I'm really going to see how the earbuds last. One pair has already broken.

I'm hoping the rest are sturdier. I still have 2 but the battery for one of them is just a few hours and that isn't enough.

I need one for overnight and the rest for the daytime to block out the idiot neighbours making noise 24-7 sometimes.

Otherwise I can't write or sleep. Now that I'm actually using the buttons, I never realised what a pain they are.

It's so hard to switch them back on after they automatically turn off from being out of range grrr.

On to the latest pair. I had a feeling I would need a third pair but I was going to wait for a bit until I had some free credit.

I saw this Lankey Pro brand selling 75 hour earbuds. Even before Christmas it was marked down from £50 to £20 and then it went back up to £30.

I was going to cash out and then changed my mind and thought I will wait until they go on sale.

A minute later I was going to empty my basket and saw this strange £10 voucher so I thought just before I cancel Prime, I would purchase it for tomorrow.

(I was supposed to meet Dic today, but changed it to a phone appointment).

Then Amazon said it's out for delivery. It seems like Amazon Day doesn't give a timetable on the delivery, which was annoying.

It was out for delivery since 6am and at 6.50pm I gave up on it arriving. 

Parcels don't usually come after 6pm but then at 7pm he knocked and I was surprised.

The model name is Thr1 and I've never heard of most of the Amazon brands.

The reviews seemed positive but I'll see for myself. The case came 100 which probably means it's fully charged but the earbuds seemed completely dead.

The case is now at 87. It's been 35 mins and the green charging lights are still going.

It came with 2 ear tips in the bag and I guess 1 attached. Plus a usb cord.

Oops forgot to check again if it's a fast charging case. Ahh just read the back..

13-15hrs of playback which can then be extended by charging them in the case, so it's not continuous which makes more sense!!

On the box it has a different model number lol BX17, who knows which it is, until it's in pair mode.

The bluetooth version is 5.1 so should be stable. Crap I forgot to check the distance and if it can be connected to multiple devices at the same time.

Oh at 8.03pm, 43 mins later, hmm the lights came off but then I opened and closed the lid, in case I knocked it and it's recharging.

It's ready at 8.07pm. Oh my heavens, at last earbuds made for women, these are tiny and glorious!!!!!

Very comfy and easy to pair, the name is BX17 so mystery solved. 

I'll try and pair with my phone while it's connected to the laptop. 

Nope it didn't connect to 2 devices, that's a shame but not a huge deal.

It also passed the distance test, I went to the kitchen where it spluttered but continued playing music and didn't disconnect.

The first charge overnight and a bit of the evening/day, lasted 12 and a half hours.

I like that these just feel more secure in my ears, the others are loose and need re-tucking in but these are snug and stay in place.

On to today's disaster. I had a meeting with Dic at 11.30am. My hair was not cooperating, half wave, half straight, so I clipped it up and I was running early.

From 11.16am I rang up the receptionist to notify of my arrival, the phone went dead.

Finally on the 3rd call, someone deigned to answer!! I almost suspect, Dic was telling them to ignore my calls.

Anyway I tell them I have an appointment and am waiting downstairs, she says Oh let me get him, ohh he's busy, he'll call you back...

I'm thinking maybe a few minutes......... I check the phone.....Nada, zilch!

Ass can't be bothered to come down or call. Yet he's highlighting, don't be late in the emails and texts!

I'm trying to walk around, or lean against the wall, my legs are aching, my hands are becoming sensitive and my back is hurting.

I check the phone and 44 mins have passed and not a word from the Dickhead!!!

I could call up but he knows I'm waiting so I think fuck him and just leave.

Nearly two hours have passed and nothing still, prejudiced ass!!!!

The only highlight to my day, is I finally got the last thing on my Christmas list.

I wanted earbuds, got those, needed slippers, bought those and the final thing was a nightdress and I finally saw the black and red in stock.

Depending on the fit, I might buy another one. It was £16 with free postage, Amazon's quality seems to be higher and they last years so I don't mind paying that price for it.

I don't know if it's the same as Mama's and she should be in Canada now but she hasn't emailed or texted yet.

#BlogLife148 - If I keep slapping you and say I'm sorry, does it count?

Hey all. How's it going? What's new? Okay back to me. I have noticed an increasing amount of people making continuous errors and hurting others but expecting forgiveness.

So I can't help but wonder, would you let someone off the hook if they kept hurting you but were always apologetic afterwards? Does it make it right?

Is it appeasing you somewhat? Better an act of self reflection than none at all, correct? Or is it helpful for them to actually step out, take a moment and say.....

Wow I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I don't forgive myself, let alone expect you too. I was out of order and forgot myself.

I'm going to take real steps to find out how to fix this and treat you with respect from now on. Then and only then will I possibly earn your forgiveness..

Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? You have let this person damage you and either have not spoken up or have not made any threats for them to change.

But there is always time to stand firm and make your position clear and you can say to me but S, why don't you do the same huh?

You give us this great advice but I don't see you following through with your family? Why is that? Seems like a double standard to me....

I was thinking about this today. I guess I figured out stuff or am ready to share my findings.

The truth is that growing up as I did, where I had no expression, nobody found anything wrong with that. I wasn't ever encouraged to talk more or join in.

My parents and siblings who all bullied me, found a comfort in keeping me silent. Either they weren't aware of it or they were but didn't care.

My siblings verbally harassed me to the point where I feared for my life. I expected to die at their hands or my own. It was just something I had in the back of mind for a very long time.

My parents on the other hand didn't see that their whole negative criticisms of me were so harmful that I sunk lower and lower and lower.

With those two sets of attacks I had/have no recourse because they see nothing wrong with that behaviour and it continues to this day.

I personally see no point in confronting them because it's like talking to a wall of ignorance. Nothing get's through and if for a second it did.

I know the response would be..........

Hmmm, really. Well it happened a long time ago, so time to forgive and forget. Everybody else has moved on and you're the one immature person still holding a grudge.

Get over yourself please because we're are all tired of you blaming us and not taking responsibility for being a good lil victim who she keep her damn mouth shut!!!!

I realise for sure that is what I would hear because I have tried and instead of them holding up their hands and admitting fault, saying you know what...?

Wow, you girl are speaking facts. It was hard for you growing up and I should be more tolerant and treat you better.

I am still held accountable for not letting it go. Bullying is bullying it destroys from the inside out. I don't care it happened a long time ago but still occurs now.

It makes no difference as it still affects how I see myself and that there are times I think of myself as subpar.

I want to know, why I must be the grownup and say, it's acceptable that you treated me like I wasn't worth anything and let's be friends again.

Let us go back to me being deathly afraid that I would die. Let me go back to not expressing myself or disagreeing.

I'll just sit here and panic and wish I were dead laying in the ground instead of watching what I say and do because you control the household and I am a puppet.

F*ck you and f*ck the hell off!!!!