#BlogLife300 - I'm in the mood to fight!! (Goodbye part 2) mini update

Something snapped. I think I had been holding back some resentments and they came out today from what seemed like a petty instance.

I think I'm just aware of people constantly taking me for granted, using me and then just laughing or being smug about it, so when I see it, in someone supposedly nice, it burns me.

At first I really do try to understand it and ignore it, maybe as them being a lil thoughtless but then after a while, it feels like it's calculated.

Asking me questions like...... "Do you miss me?" Instead of saying.. "Oh this happened and I thought of you" or "Just checking in to see how you are?"

"I couldn't keep away, I couldn't not text, was bursting to talk to you, even though I am swamped."

You know something simple like that instead of always making me talk about what I feel and you just carelessly mumbling the same afterwards or agreeing. Pah!!!

Irritating!! You say we don't fight, well possibly that is because I hate confrontation and I feel guilty for bringing this up and upsetting you, even though I'm bloody entitled to do it!!!

That should have been my red flag. The way you harped on about us not having problems and getting on famously. I'm sure I reminded you that I was difficult at times, but you dismissed it.

The other thing that bothered me was you claimed to routinely fight with exes and had no issue with it. Why couldn't you have done the same with me?

I just think it was your pride. You must have falsely assumed my feelings for you would cloud my judgement and I would what??

Let you get away with murder?? Let myself be dissatisfied forever without facing you and offloading??

I'm not the bravest person but if it is a choice between staying quiet or screaming at you with rage? I'll take the battle option and see what unfolds.

Nobody wants to prompt someone, otherwise it feels disingenuous and fighting with someone that's using smileys and short texts is even more aggravating.

The funny thing is, you could have so easily diffused my anger. If you had just accepted my perspective and had the balls to face my wrath. You didn't though, did you??

Which makes you a coward!

Ugh!!!! Fine, see how you like short texts from now on too. To think, I was looking forward to talking to you but now I don't want too at all.

Why does it always come back to you and how you're impacted? You could have said....... Oh I didn't realise, I didn't mean to treat you that way.

Now you think I'll come running and chase you again? Well no!! I won't. I do miss you but you need to express yourself better and chase me for once!

Show me that you care, that you would make the effort to work things out until there was no point, relentlessly but then I'm starting to think, you don't. 

You've just been playing games. You left very quickly without looking back.

Hmm. I don't know, perhaps I was wrong about you, seeing/hearing what I wanted, instead of the apathetic truth.

Same ol same ol garbage!!

Next!!!!!! 

Have a nice life!!

You failed the argument test. 

I need to be able to communicate my emotions, have you understand my perspective and then reply back with comprehension and a suitable response.

I will not go back to being ignored as though what I am going through doesn't register at all.

Plus I need to hear your take on it, you can disagree, you can see it differently but you have to speak up and let me know, otherwise we don't belong together.

It's still immensely challenging to express myself, so you have to realise if I am doing it or shouting, it's because I'm frustrated and I'm sick of being tolerable when I don't feel it's returned to me.

All couples row, it's human nature. We should have been able to navigate through this, instead we broke apart.

You haven't been in contact since yesterday afternoon and I don't think you will.

You want someone that is meek and won't go against you at all. I can be chilled at times but I'm not a doormat, if something is eating away at me, I should be able to vent, without you running away.

Ps someone tell me how to stop picking up my phone and checking for missed calls/messages every few minutes..LOL.

This did help. I just needed to get it out of my system so that I wasn't replaying the last conversation again.

I will give you until this evening and then I'll block you permanently.

No relationship/friendship is perfect but for me I need certain things to be able to breathe.

I grew up with fear and dysfunction in my interactions. That's not how I want to live anymore.

I want something healthy and normal. I want to get through conflicts and not be depressed or scared.

It should be routine and cathartic to vent. One day maybe I'll find someone that lets me be all parts of moi.

The soft, the vulnerable, the sarcastic, the witty, the sweet, the angry, the aloof, the suspicious, the affectionate, the lovable and lastly, respectably nutty.

**Oh and one final thing, you selfish bastard. (Yes I have been cursing you out).

You asked to hear one itty bitty chapter of my work and that was it. You weren't keen on any of the posts that didn't mention you!

Yet you kept asking again and again for me to hear more of your story. 

Considering how nerve wracking that experience of reading to you was but how fiercely I defended my work, when you didn't like a certain detail..

Plus how supportive I was with yours, when it wasn't to my genre taste at all.

I would have thought you could have been way more supportive and enthusiastic.

More examples of your over inflated ego! What was the bit he didn't like?

In Uncivilised Civilian when I was describing the shower amenities, he thought I harped on about it excessively.

I pointed out that this was aimed at women, who always had a million and one products cluttering up the bathroom, so this should appeal.

Ok, now I wash my hands of you and I'm officially done!

#BlogLife299 - Dear Yum Yum (Goodbye part 1)

Sheepishly looks at you. I have a confession to make, I got the dates muddled. We aren't at our 1 month anniversary, it's coming up to our 3rd week, next Wednesday.

Maybe I'm still trying to fast track us? Skip ahead to a more established time? In order that I feel more secure and comfortable and that this isn't another disaster in the making..?

I can't really pick faults with you, the way that I do with others, In regards to my past history.

By this time, I have always discovered a fountain of flaws and unpleasant habits that I want to distance myself away from.

We already have sickeningly sweet pet names for each other, as well as the rude and bizarrely humourous types. It seems to flow out of mouths more naturally, instinctively.

Perhaps it is too soon? I have no idea. This is unfamiliar terrain. I guess I will always feel cautious.

Don't move too fast, keep it at a slow steady pace, don't get overrun by hormones or infatuation, take your time, get to know him truly first and see if there are any haunting surprises.

Surprisingly when I had a rough few days, I actually did not turn away from you. I opened up and explained what happened which is fairly new to me.

I prefer stepping back and unravelling it myself and then returning to a more lighthearted mood.

You were quite caring and understanding, felt moved by my plight even though I quickly dismissed it as overreacting and moved on to more pleasant discussions.

On one hand. having hashed far more than we probably should at this stage, I wonder how it will be when there isn't a time limit?

If we will just sit and talk endlessly and not be bored or making excuses to escape.

You just seem so certain about us, that it will all magically work out and I don't comprehend that at all, with so many obstacles in the way.

Maybe you're just saying what you think I want to hear or what you assume all women want? I can't say. Or are you just an optimist?

I just know that for me. I can't envision the future. I'm so used to being by myself, it's ingrained that I'll always be alone, fending for myself.

I've never had moments where I could let myself unfold. Trust someone and say, this is me. I'm not perfect, I'm not traditional but I'm loyal, honest and I can learn to be affectionate and share my time.

The simplicity of my life, doesn't seem enough. Writing, writing and more writing.

Then there is my constant state of exhaustion. The aches and pains lingering gently or aggressively.

The stress of keeping myself going, knowing that if I stop, I just might not carry on anymore.

I don't hate my life, tough though it may be. It's just a lot to deal with but when there are moments of serenity, it's bearable.

What if I can't be me, anymore, as a couple? What if I have to pretend to be in good spirits so that you don't fret about me?

I don't want to lose my essence. I don't want to put on a mask and not be genuine. 

I just want to be the same person but with allowances set aside to include you.

I don't need things my way all the time, I can compromise and we can work something out.

It should always be equal and respectful. Everything seems good on the surface but I don't feel I am 100% in yet.

We did seem to share a lot of the same views and that helps immensely because I've never quite met anyone that is more like me, in some respects.

You agree to take things at a slow pace and never dismiss my feelings, instead constantly validates them but I'm still wary and can't let go yet and go with my emotions.

It would lift the weight off my shoulders to confide in you and let you support me/let us be there for each other. To be able to be transparent all the time, instead of having my guard up.

However what if I do all of that in due course and you betray me??

It's a risk and I have been taking you at face value. You don't shy away from awkward exchanges and you randomly volunteer tidbits so I have no reason to doubt your word.

I just need time and for you to be patient. If this is going to work out like you assume, then I don't want to be backed into a corner and rushed.

It should just be taking the next steps as they come and hoping that there is a pleasant journey ahead.

One of the issues is that I have never liked my body, slim or voluptuous it always received negative criticisms so I always felt it wasn't appealing.

I think disrobing will be a challenge for me but fancy pants lingerie will help. I've already seen beautiful summery bras but i miss buying the sets.

We gabbed about many things and I wonder if we will get to that domesticated state?

Having the neighbours over for dinner, sneaking off into the kitchen in the guise of a ruse for some covert smooching..

Going for walks, holding hands or arm in arm to walk off a meal, get some air or just because the mood takes us.

Visiting the local pub for lunch and drinks but ignoring everyone, lost in our own bubble world.

Me making lunch for you, adding lil notes and piling in extra treats for you to savour.

Us curling up sometimes when I nap or offloading to you or you to me, after an aggravating day.

Swapping immature but giggly challenges and seeing who can best the other.

(You're going down, I fight to win, fight dirty too *bats eyelashes*)!

I'm not asking for promises. I'm uncertain whether it will be a success or not, myself.

I guess what I want is for you to be a good guy. To be someone that I can learn to rely on a bit, that I can unwind with and be happy with..

As I don't quite know how to divulge the horrific details of my home life and my dating past.

It's just all really........ disturbing.

                           ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Hmm I'm not sure I have the right to feel miffed at you but I do. You could have texted, even if you didn't call yesterday.

Not that you're obligated but sometimes it seems like I'm the one thinking of you or missing you and you only say the same thing, after me.

That's not very nice or balanced. At times, you should be the one to say sentimental things before me, assuming you do feel that way.

I do not want to be in a one sided thing. I know at other times, you say stuff randomly but you're a lil bit too laid back.

You should never be that complacent, that you have me. I've told you that before.

I'm not the self titled Ice Queen for no reason. I will not settle for crumbs of affection!

#BlogLife107 - Goodbye T

I told you that I wanted a break to get my head right well that was partly true but the other thing I was thinking about was I think it's time to part ways.

It's nothing that was said or done specifically, it's the circumstances. It always made me a lil uneasy. You gave me the space I needed and I'm grateful for that but I've just blocked your number because I want to move forwards.

You were great company and we had a good laugh together. It was convenient for both of us and you brightened up many a dull day. Thank you for your sweet and caring friendship :)

However it feels a bit murky blurring the lines between friendship and whatever the other thing was. I couldn't quite text you all of this..

I'm no good at speeches, it was difficult enough to say I was going radio silent for a while but here it is. I don't know if you are still following the posts but there is no doubt, this one is for you.

I won't change my mind and I did warn you in the beginning that it would only be a temporary acquaintanceship. I have a feeling you suspected I wouldn't reconnect.

I'm sure you'll forgive me and understand why I didn't say goodbye properly..

It's far too awkward and I don't want to drag it on. I wish you all the best and do take care. Don't work too hard and find a better balance so that stress doesn't eat you alive.

Farewell T

-X-

You mean nothing to me!

I can sit down look you in the eye and talk for hours on any given subject but once I exit..

Our conversations are left behind with you, because I never carry them with me. 

The next time we meet. You ask me follow up questions and I barely remember your name. 

In all those fleeting moments. I smiled. I laughed. I rolled my eyes and mocked you but you never made a lasting impression on me. 

You ask too much of me and I despise you for it. I don't owe you a damn thing.

Stop pressuring me to like you. To remember you. To force a connection, a fondness I never felt. 

You were a means to an end. A way to pass the time or be inspired. You are a distant memory. An already forgotten encounter. 

You served your purpose. Now exit out of my life gracefully. Don't prolong the distaste I form when I see you.

You don't have enough substance for me. You are no gentleman. You back me into a corner and think I will cave? 

I am not nice nor kind or sweet. I will inflict damage and scar you if you try to control me. 

I'm not your friend or your enemy. I'm just a sleepy whisper in your ear that suited my purpose. 

For one brief moment you were what I needed but now that time has passed.. 

I release you back into the world. You can be some other woman's problem. 

Ps. 

Know this. You were never as good as you thought you were. You are replaceable. I am not. 

Goodbye 

X-Y-Z

Self destruct mode (fiction)

I need to escape from you. You're all I think about but you are not healthy. 

You don't make me feel good or safe or warm. I'm leaving you behind and there is nothing you can do or say about it.

I've heard it all before. Sweet little promises. It will be better this time. Things will be different. I just have to stay positive and believe. 

NO! I don't trust you anymore. You're making me ill. I can't make the effort to please you. I can't compromise.

I've settled for your lies once too often. You keep pulling me back with intriguing words but it all amounts to the same. 

Nothing ever improves. I wanted so badly to see it through.

I wanted to have a successful relationship with you. I tried my best to work with you and let you in but you are a block of ice. A cold shoulder. An unapproachable wall that I can't reach.

Friends and family say I should try harder and find a way to get through to you but I've reached my limit. 

Don't touch my arm. Don't say soothing empty words. Don't smile. Don't look at me like that. I hate you.

I shrug your hand off my arm and glare at every trinket you've ever bought me. 

I stomp to the kitchen grabbing a refuse sack and sweep my hand across the mantlepiece. I shove everything into the bag.

The picture of us. The princess cut birthstone ring. The letters and notes I wanted to preserve forever. 

I slap away your octopus arms and shove you aside. Not this time. I will not relent and forgive you for causing me this heartache and emptiness.

I always thought our home was spacious but now it feels stifling. 

This time you creep up behind me and snake your arms around my waist and for one brief moment. I give in. I crave your touch, your comfort, your heat.

I don't want to be alone. I sigh and lean back on you as your arms tighten and I feel safe again. 

You still don't say a word but you don't twirl me around to face you either.

Are you afraid of what my eyes will reveal?

I snap back to reality and realise you are unworthy of my affection and time. 

I wrestle your arms away with difficulty, panting with the exertion and open the cupboard door. 

The dinner set we lovingly bought together mocks me. I reach for the plates and smash them on the floor, pieces of porcelain flying everywhere. 

I turn my face away quickly as you begin screaming and trying to shake sense into me.

I disentangle from you and reach for the cups. You pull them away but I tug aggressively and then let go and they drop at high speed on the floor. 

I lean my back against the cupboards trying to catch my breath.

This time I avoid your gaze. You move towards me and I turn my face away, so you abruptly stop. 

I march past you but again you grab my arm. Why does my breath halt when you do that?

Time stops and I want to crumple in your big strong arms. Why can't you meet my needs? 

Why have you created this distance between us? Why do you whisper words of love when you lay next to me, cradling me in your embrace?

Why did you fall out of love? You loosen the grip on my arm just as I yank it clear and go upstairs to our bedroom. I stop at the hallway, remembering how you carried me inside. 

The way you looked at me. There was so much emotion on your face. All that is gone without any trace of it ever being there.

I wrench the drawers open and then grab my set of our matching luggage and start filling it with clothes. 

I hear your footsteps approaching and I rush to close the door but you slam it open.

I bite my lip and search your face. I see anger, confusion, hurt and stubborness. 

Your eyes widen as you spot my suitcase half filled. You grab my hand firmly but not tightly and sit me on the bed on to your lap.

I sit rigidly while you place my arms around your neck and pull me closer. 

I listen to your heartbeat and my voice breaks when you say my name. It is a final plea. A cry. A wish for me to stay.

The tears trickle down and wet your shirt. No more makeups and breakups. This really is the end.

Our eyes lock one last time and without speaking I unmask my feelings and let you see what I have become. 

An insecure hollowed out person. I get up and let the distance return between us.

I grab the suitcase and without turning around I confess "I wanted to stay but.. 

..Now I have to say goodbye and know that I'm finally free of you and you caused this. You are at fault."

I walk out the door and my shadow fades away. I was never really here and neither were you.