#BlogLife507 - Dic told me to lie..

It's been a very long day but a manageable one. I feel so tired and I've just ordered some chicken, rice and a sandwich for later or tomorrow.

I think my appetite has left me again. I'm gutted about the NYX lippy, the colour was fabulous but it split in two and that's why it was leaking everywhere.

I have to bin it :( such a waste of money. As I am wearing the new blue top, I decided to get creative.

I did a black base on the eyelids and then added green and purple lol. I don't know why. either?! :D

I was having some fun but now I can't wait to remove my makeup and change into house clothes.

I don't think I can nap it's too late in the day. I made Dic switch the appointments to the morning in 2 weeks so that's much better and he won't be there woop :)

Although I did get a seat on the bus, coming and going which is unusual. The strange thing was the pain was harsher sitting, than walking.

Dic surprised me with this group exercise meeting thing and I was sweating dreading it.

The pain was creeping up but I tried to rehearse in my head, basic things to talk about.

Except that Dic said to cover up some details but I'm pretty adamant that I won't lie.

I will not make out everything is fine when there are serious concerns and I went with my instincts and told the truth and they were surprised but I think they admired my honest attitude.

I also met someone in the group that was really friendly and sweet and he helped to quench the anxiety too, he was nervous and that put me at ease.

Lately I guess I haven't really initiated conversations but I did today and I'm glad.

I really never realise how thirsty and hungry I am until I get munching.

Today was like old times, where I could sway my hips and walk like a normal person without stopping, my face contorting in pain and having to lean against a wall.

I haven't experienced that in a long while...... I'm feeling a touch more slender in the new gear as well, which is elevating my mood too :)

I changed in seconds after closing the door and I set out the food.

Sorry for the late post but I was napping in the morning/afternoon and multi tasking all day.

I hate to admit it but maybe being pushed out of my comfort zone was a good thing.

The nerves settled and even though it wasn't the right fit. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I did participate without being prompted but I did race out of there as soon as it was over. Ha.

I wanted home and peace.. Oh I finally figured out what all the damn drilling is for.

The neighbours are having their windows replaced. Honestly I wouldn't think it was that big a deal to finish.

But it has been days from 8am or earlier until hmm, now it's 4pmish and I hope they have finally disappeared.

#BlogLife160 - A face of lies

Why do you feel you have to lie and put on a happy face? 

Who are you doing it for, the outside world or yourself?

Do you think it helps to fabricate the truth? 

Do you hope that, the fiction will become a reality?

Are you afraid people won't care?

I know I don't usually bombard you with questions but it's something you should think about. I see it a lot through volunteering and general life.

I ask the question, how are you doing? Oh I'm fantastic. I delve deeper and the fascade quickly drops.

Actually, I am not doing so good, in fact, I am struggling and lost. Why not say that at the beginning?

Why is there such a pressure to feign happiness?? Why don't we feel comfortable saying...

You really want to know how I am doing? The honest to goodness truth? The heart of the matter?

AWFUL. I am burdened by the weight of it all. Do you know how rough it is, to deal with everything on my plate plus pretend that I'm cheerful?

I know, I know, it is easier, quicker and more convenient to tell people what they want to hear but to those that care and genuinely want to know..

Consider being honest and saying.. Firstly thanks for asking and secondly. I'm not sure. You can test the waters and see if they are kind enough to prompt you for more details..

At least you will know then, that they truly care and want to know, unless you sneak a peek at them and they seem preoccupied themselves..

I've been there......Too many times to count and in that case, some self healing can help and go a long way. You can step back for me-time and not bury your problems and help others..

(Which I am frequently guilty of doing)! Hey, this is a do as I should, not a do as I do :D

But I'm a big believer in venting and sharing in whatever capacity it takes, writing letters to yourself, journalling, vlogging, or finding your own medium.

An outlet through exercise or art. Whatever it takes to release it. It doesn't have to be a traditional route, just be healthy and conscious and feel safe.

#BlogLife156 - Weirdness in the penpal world

It is time for a progress report on the penpal situation. They are still trickling in but a strange thing is occurring. It cannot be a coincidence or can it??

A name keeps appearing in the replies, in the email addresses and conversations. The same name, slightly altered. Is it the same person?

I have rejected them because I never want to hear that name again. Yet I check my inbox and the name appears with a different email attached to it.

Also sometimes it is the first name, other times the surname. That's peculiar right??? Plus he began the email, mid argument lol. Who does that?? :D

Anyway.. I did get one reply that I have been exploring on a trial basis. He seemed to be fine and fit all the boxes. Shared, was communicative and had a sense of humour too.

Initially it was good but the tone has definitely changed dramatically, ever since he brought up swapping photographs and having a video chat, getting together via a messenger.

Ick, not my thing. You know my deal. I prefer them faceless, somewhat anonymous so I can remain the same.

Also is it just me, or does that seem a bit romancey/dately/flirty/intimate? This is a penpal which is platonic.

I'm not looking for an overseas hubby. I'm having flashbacks to my old penpal experiences, read the other penpal posts, if you want to know more :D

His reply was that he respects my wishes and accepts it. His actions and the fact that he went from being really responsive to short, curt replies, tells me different.

Why not just be honest? I don't understand the lies. If you are not okay with something, speak up and say.. 

Hmm that is surprising, I assumed you would be fine with it and you are not. I have to think about whether I want to carry on or not. 

Rolls eyes. I am not holding my breath so the search continues for someone less picky I guess :) He has since not said anything at all.

He could just be busy but my instincts say he has gone to find a more picturesque beauty. Good luck to him. That will not be me.

Plus if he expects me to chase him up............ He will be waiting a very long time!

#BlogLife72 - I'm here for you S (fiction)

I look at you and then avert my eyes away. How was my day? It was alright but drained the life out of me. 

It wasn't anything I couldn't handle but somehow it just bothered me because the issues annoyed me and I couldn't make the difference in swallowing my irritation.

I know I'm not there to say pretty little phrases and be agreeable but straight talking with brick walls was no picnic. I challenged opinions and it did not go down well.

I got my first bad reviews. I don't really think that affects me because although I should have been more tactful. I asked probing questions and was not a yes person or an agree-because-you-clearly-need-me-too.

I take your hand and lay out on your chest on the sofa and you hold me tight automatically without me asking you.

I guess it wasn't even bad, technically it was average but meh. The funny thing was the same people, almost immediately requested me again.

Hah, fat chance. Even if I wasn't already in a chat, I still wouldn't have taken it. I think because I am older, immaturity annoys me.

I want to shake some of them and say act your age. This isn't a hand holding session. I'm not a robot. I'm not here to dictate a short term fix. 

I'm saying open your bloody eyes and stop burying your head in the sand because it's going to get so much worse. (One bites one's tongue and doesn't actually say that).

I don't tolerate your wallowing/whiny attitude because it isn't assisting you to recover and move on. I have no patience with you if you refuse to continue imploding your life.

If you try and make the effort, then I can certainly show you a better way to cope and healthier tools to make your transition smoother.

But I will not pander to your unrealistic dreams. How would me lying to you help you grow up? I offer you an alternative perspective, what you choose to do with it, is your decision.

I trace my hands around your chest, making small circles and peek up at you to see if you are still alive.

I melt when I see your face grin at me, especially as you waggle your eyebrows suggestively. It never fails to crack me up.

But this is not a seduction, this is a rant session. I lay my head back down on your smooth chest and tell you that, there isn't any other place I would want to be.

I guess I feel exceptionally cruel as sometimes I have to assert these boundaries for the good of the people so they don't become reliant on me or anyone just constantly building up their confidence.

Life isn't like that, there are mean people in the world and you have to toughen up to survive.

I won't always be around..

I feel you stroke my hair and say the words I need..

I am here for you and always will be.

You don't have to be obligated to those that you don't mesh with. You can pass them on. It doesn't matter if they have to explain it all to someone new.

Let someone else take the burden away.

Lastly can you stop dribbling/drooling on my top please because you are sleeping in it tonight and I'm not holding a wet tshirt contest.....Or am I?

I roll my eyes and hit you with a cushion, you're such a perv- mwah but a great kisser Monsier...

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