#BlogLife592 - My legs stopped working

Song of the day - Shaggy/Mohombi/Faydee/Costi - I Need Your Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfQUc7iAotU&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=4

I thought what a nice day it was going to end up being, not a disastrous one.

Wow was I wrong. I ended up trimming my hair again a lil, it seemed too long and untidy still.

But I probably went overboard, the back is probably too short and weird looking.

I don't really care because the front looks even sweeter, the end bits have started curling up by themselves and I love it.

I think I rose about 10amish and I felt alright so I thought why not just go to the Indian shop, pick up some veggy pakoras and desserts that only come up at the holidays.

Happy Diwali for anyone celebrating, it's not my holiday but the foods are scrumptious.

Then I thought I will get my brows shaped and then head home, sounds so simple?!

I did not realise the whole of the UK had ground to a halt, the tubes were not running, the buses were severely delayed and traffic was congested, plus add in roadworks and ugh.

I have a feeling that subconsciously when I know I'm heading outdoors, I feel panicky.

I had a whole bout of nausea and it was nonstop until I quickly played the Youtube video and then after a few minutes it stopped.

Then resumed with a vengeance and typical, I finally saw the Foxes boiled sweets and bought it and those hard sweets, settle the tummy.

Could I find it??? Nope. I swear I put it in the fridge or the cupboard and I hunted and that would have really helped.

Anyway eventually my stomach was fine, my hair dried and I used the Christmassy bath soak and it smelled glorious.

I felt so relaxed after that. I decided to go all red so I put reddish and purply eyeshadow on, a red top, blue trousers and my purply booties.

Pink lippy, I will not wear red. Going into town was fine but standing up, waiting for maybe 10 or 20 minutes set it into motion.

I remember I think it was the last bus trip, travelling to Mama's and it was freezing winter, possibly snowy.

The bus was maybe 30 minutes late and I don't think there was anywhere to sit because there was a swarm of people waiting.

And I thought shoot, I really can't last much longer and as soon as I got on the bus, my legs gave way and I dropped to this crouching position and had to hoist myself up.

Then I thought never again.

Anyway by the time I got on the second bus, the first was overcrowded and I felt sick just looking at the amount of people crammed in.

I reached the stop and tried to get up and fell back down on the seat and part of me just wanted to go back home.

But I thought NO, I'm nearly there. Oh good grief. I made it to a standing position and was hanging on to the rail and then the bus started moving.

And I was shouting, screaming at the driver, Please please, stop the bus because I knew, I barely had enough energy left.

And for some reason he wasn't at the official stop so he carried on and then stopped again.

Weird but I was so relieved, I got off and once again my legs were shaking.

I just held onto the wall thinking, how am I going to make this journey???

But because the bus was turning, I couldn't walk to get the pakoras, I did not have it in me.

I thought okay, a shortish walk to the beauty salon, and then I arrived, only to be told, when the place was emptyish again.

Sorry too busy. Arghhhhhhhh FFS!!

Jeez, you know it's the weekend, people aren't working, why the hell would you only have one person doing brows??

Idiots!! I wanted to say, Look it killed me to get here.

She said come back later. I just grunted, thinking, fat chance. That was a wasted journey, no pakoras and no tidy brows.

I ordered some roti and tandoori chicken with a discount and hopefully it's fresh and soft.

I grew up with fresh soft buttery rotis and I still recall the taste and these are just pale imitations.

I still feel jittery and I've worked out why, even though eventually I had a nice deep sleep.

Usually I can keep it together outdoors, nobody usually knows, I'm loaded with pain.

This time I got so panicked I was screaming so the whole bus knew that something was up.

I feel outed as someone vulnerable and in great distress and I keep reliving that moment.

The sheer terror on my face, the desperation to get out, the complete need to hold on to something to prop myself up.

Plus the feeling of helplessness. I was not in control and I lost it.

I couldn't maintain the illusion of pretending I was normal and coping fine.

I had to release the despair for all to see and it's humiliating to be that raw.

Actually it wasn't a voluntary reaction, it was a compulsion that was impossible to fight.

I think I'll feel better when I'm lost in a show or a game or maybe even having shared it with you.

It's just a horrible, horrible feeling when I've spent my life, trying to act tough and not display any weaknesses to others because they make me feel worse.

I know now that as a 45 year old woman, I have a short window where I can be upright.

Maybe like an hour or so but with ways to rest in between. I don't usually have that collapsing legs thing more than once.

It's not a dizziness. I can't even explain it but I never had it before.

It started happening after I was released from hospital and I started with the morning paralysis, where I couldn't move at all.

Then maybe after five or ten minutes, I was able to be mobile again.

When I got to the bus station and sat down. I thought, alright I'm going to be fine now.

But it happened again, I rose and then promptly fell back down again.

I do feel thoroughly rested and my body isn't stiff anymore. What concerns me is deteriorating and one day, not being able to get about independently.

But for now the pain and delicateness are just about tolerable. I can still exist alone without needing anyone near me.

Thank heavens!!

#BlogLife511 - Hands up if you hate men but are straight and female?

I'm writing this post because I'm so sick of being called a lesbian because I genuinely do hate men but I am straight!

I heard it a lot when I would reject a guy and then to save his pride he would quickly interject, oh I know why you don't want me...... You're obviously only into women.

Every single time I say to a random, I'm not looking, I'm fine being single and alone and that I don't like dating or men much..

They always stupidly jump to the conclusion that I'm not hetrosexual. Men do hundreds of things that women find annoying.

I mean frankly there are not many people that I do like. Here is a snippet of yesterday's conversation.

S - Maybe I'll try my charms on you, see if that works..

Moi - I wouldn't bother. I'm not available and I hate men.

S - Oh I didn't realise you hated men. You're gay then? Typical, some guys ruin it for us genuine men..

Moi - (Rolling eyes) Actually I'm straight. I am just not a fan of dating or men that much and I find therapy sessions dull.

S - Well what are you doing with me?

Moi - Ummm having a chitchat.

S - I'll let you know when I've found someone else.

Moi - Have a good night *blocked*

S - continues typing away...... Zzzzzzzz

It always irritates and bores me when they try to counsel me, instead of accepting my choices because I have valid reasons for making them.

When he said some guys ruin it, he was expecting me to open up and say......

Sobsobsob, yea I'm broken hearted and fell out of love but you can be the one to fix me.

Dating you would solve all of my problems. Oh joy, oh happiness, oh contentment.

Oh Purleaseeeeeeee. He didn't even reside anywhere near me... I prefer if they were to say...

Oh that's a bit extreme but alright I accept it but I'm here to meet someone, not to judge so have a nice evening.....

They nearly always add this snippet to the conversation also..

Don't you miss sex??

Which is beyond tedious to me and after my reply. I usually block them....

Moi - I know generally men only think about sex but women know there is more to life to make them fulfilled.

I just find it easier to state that I'm single by choice because that's preferable to being chatted up and badgered for meet ups.

The way I see it, I'm not actively searching for a partner. I'm not speed dating.

I don't have romance applications on my phone. I'm not going to singles venues hoping to spot a match for myself.

All I'm doing is having infrequent casual discussions and possibly a giggle or two.

I rarely feel completely understood. Mainly it's just assumptions made about me.

I'm not sure what makes me click with a person because sometimes I think I want a tete a tete but other times I just want solitude.

I think there are times when I'm busy but I can maintain a conversation and that's fine if they are swamped and doing the same thing too.

It's just suffocating when I'm split doing three things and the other person is focusing on me, even though they had a pile of paperwork to get on with.

That constant ping, ping of instant replies drives me crazy because I don't want to stop what I'm doing.

I have to multi task. That's my preference and that makes me feel productive and content, at least in the daytime.

In the evenings, I slow down and take time to relax and focus on myself to balance things out.

Having said that, it's a lil different when I am infatuated or have a lil crush because there's less time catching up with them.

It always feels like stolen moments and because of that scarcity I don't feel annoyed but happy that it's breaking up my day with lightheartedness.

There's nobody special at the moment but P is particularly fun to converse with, he's a bit silly and flirty but I don't see him that often.

#BlogLife149 - Loner by choice or circumstances?

In general life I have spoken to a whole range of individuals, some have been popular and surrounded and others have a smaller circle of people around them.

In some cases though, there are those that don't have anyone or fleeting acquaintances that maybe around occasionally but not really in a dependable manner.

I used to think that it was more normal to be around a lot of friends, even if they were fake and taking me for granted. It was a numbers game.

How many friends do you have? Ten. You? Ummmmmmmm none. Shrugs. I felt like there was a checklist to be normal and having a lot of friends was one of them

I have the randoms, I have people flitting in and out but friends? I don't have any, anymore. You know as strange as this concept is...

I am actually okay with it. I should be horrified right? Embarrassed even? Questioning what is wrong with me?

Hah. I am done with all that. It is exhausting giving and giving and giving and getting barely a tenth of effort back in return. It just doesn't seem worth it.

I have re-thunk the whole attitude and decided it's actually fun to do my own thing. I don't have someone raining on my parade saying ermmm..

I don't want to do that.

I don't want to make the effort. I don't want to meet you halfway. I don't want to give you any of my time. I don't want to go cheap and cheerful.

I want to go where I want and spend a fortune on crap food and an extravagant atmosphere because it is the place to be seen.

I no longer have to deal with the apathetic personalities! A weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I understand how people suck the life out of you and when they aren't around..

I have the biggest smile on my face. Oh the joy, the freedom, the weightlessness of it all is a blessing. Before I was dressing up, walking in heels I couldn't move in and feeling out of place.

I just didn't like these fancy places with the sterile environments and lack of warmth and friendliness. I am a low key type of girl.

I just want great food and genuine bodies around me but that seems too impossible a goal so for now I'm going to keep doing my own strutting thing.

I will breathe in the air, look up at the sun, feel this immense light inside of me and carry on living my life and carving out happiness where I can find it.

Slipping away (fiction)

You place your hand over mine but as soon as I sense it. I look down and pull away. 

Don't you see who I am by now? 

You still to this day, do not understand me.

What should I explain? 

That as I grew up and looked at the world with innocent bright eyes. I saw a world of murky shadows and a reason to constantly retreat?

I wanted to belong. I used to be so lovely, open and unguarded. I followed the wrong people, thinking it would lead me to somewhere illuminated and beautiful but it never did.

Look at my face. Look at my body. Do you see any evidence of bruising? No! Now look inside me and see if you can say the same thing?

You were smug enough to think you had me hooked but there are reinforced walls made of ice inside me.

You thought what? That we bonded? That I opened up to you? That you were different? 

I belong to nobody! I talked and you listened but you didn't hear me. You refused to acknowledge it. The fundamental truth.

I will always be free!

Why, you ask?

I close my eyes and smile. I feel at peace. I don't need you or anybody anymore. I used to think that I needed to be surrounded and that I should conform but not now.

I was delicate and fragile and the only thing that approached me was poison. Hurt and attacked and made to feel that I deserved it. 

Did you?

For what?? The crime of being me???!!!!!!

I get up from the bench, slide my headphones on and crank up the volume drowning your voice out. I follow the sun and it cures me.

I'm now unreachable.

I didn't see that coming

It's quite strange as this will be the first Christmas in many years I've not spent with her. I don't really feel depressed just sort of a tad empty.

It's definitely for the best though as the alternative is me being on edge and probably calling an emergency cab to take me home. 

I have killer cramps at the moment so trying to just sleep late and relax as much as possible. I couldn't do that if I was away from home.

I got talking to a few guys in the same boat as me and some even asked me to join them but I could never do that. Meeting someone quickly without vetting them. 

I just don't feel that desperate need to reach out and take that risk and possibly be emotionally or physically hurt again.

I was talking to my friend tonight and just explaining how I like the idea of relationships and romance but the reality is just a trainwreck for me. 

Everyone I know has had at least one healthy normal relationship but I never did.

I don't understand why most if not all of them tried to make me feel bad about myself. I wasn't big headed. 

I may have joked that I was irrisistable but anyone that really knew me would know how I struggled with my body image and self esteem issues, so why did I always get the masqueraders?

They put on such a believable act, friendly, good manners, respectful and then the name calling and button pushing on my deepest fears would slowly begin. 

It confused my thoughts and I gave them the benefit of the doubt until it happened again. 

Toxic.

I would rather just not bother. The world can think what they like about me. I just want a quiet life and to be left alone to deal with my own dramas.

I spoke to my mum tonight and she told me matter of factly that the eldest child intends to be there for another Christmas this year so I'm not really sure how to take that. 

I assumed we would have alternate years with the family but it feels like I've been kicked out of all the festivities.

I almost said something about it but then I figured if that's the way they all want to celebrate, I'm not going to stand in the way. It is a bit of a kick in the teeth. 

To not even let me be part of the discussion but it's pretty much them always calling the shots and her being passive, so be it. I'll just have to create my own traditions and festive cheer.

She did invite me for New Years when the holiday season is almost over but I'll see how it goes. 

This year I'm still tied up with my schedule so it might end up the same way this December. No spending time with the family at all but it's starting to bother me less the more I think about it.

I am just beginning to care less and wash my hands of it all. Less fuss, no travel, my own spacious bed and my choice of goodies, which includes takeout as I am not a domestic goddess.