#BlogLife972 - Beautilicious

I am frozen still waiting for the heating to kick back on and the blankie.

Had the idiotic UC appointment and maybe he assumed I had seen the specialist cv person as he said Oh yea your cv is fine, such bs.

I knew there was nothing wrong with it, proof they spout nonsense to give you pointless things to do.

Then he said, prove that you're applying by uploading applications, that's easy enough but suddenly my word isn't good enough and all the journal uploads I do.

Can't wait for the Christmas break next month. I was in a weird mood, the lil Tesco is back open but I had no appetite for anything so didn't bother.

Then decided to punish my body and walked down to get the £8 eyebrow shape, felt so much better after.

Then I walked even further and just went ahead to go and get the pedicure, 2x massages, scrub and cream, the chair massage was great actually.

By that time, my whole body was in a state of seizing up and tiredness.

But it needed to be done and because time was getting on, I didn't bother get the fish and chips or the pakoras or gulabs, jalebis or ladoos.

I knew even though my body was doing well to control the pain, it was gonna hit me..

I was unlucky with not getting a seat on the buses, so that didn't help.

Suddenly waves of dizziness and nausea were hitting me, felt better when I got home, had water, kept playing the anti nausea and I'm recovered somewhat now.

I got kfc because I was empty and walking was hurting too badly.

I can't stop yawning but it's way too early to sleep. I took my makeup off but might wash my face again before bed incase the makeup is still lingering.

I'm coming up to BlogLife 1k which is quite an achievement for me.

I should do something special for that. I don't have the energy to think right now.

Music definitely helped me today, kept my spirits up. I had some triggers that could have caused a panic attack.

But I managed to keep calm.

What could I do? A Q&A? A new story? I should be original...

I have no clue. I guess it still surprises me that people around the world are still invested about hearing about my life.

I'm very ordinary and if I didn't come up with BookLife and BlogLife and AgonyLife, this blog would have ceased to continue.

I just felt empty, not creative and inspired. I was grasping for something to hit me.

I'll try to make it special. I can't say if it will be this year or next. I have too much on my mind..

#BlogLife971 - Nothing more to me, Gamer/Writer is all

Ok, turns out I was slightly peckish. I grabbed the chicken tzatziki one with olives, tomato (yuckity), feta cheese and luckily it was in 2 halves and very pricey at £5 something..

But actually, it's delicious, it all works well together and I don't even like chicken and cheese together, except on pizza.

Or sometimes lightly spread on a sandwich. Anyway I picked out the tomato and would actually highly recommend it, the sauce plays well too.

I think this is the first time seeing olives in a sandwich, I used to add them at home to salads and sandwiches and wraps for extra flavour.

It's probably discontinued but my favourite sandwich from Sainsbury was lemon chicken, so rare but so good.

Quick add on, the southern fried chicken wrap was ok, had coleslaw inside it, I wouldn't get that again.

There was limited meal deals but mostly sold out. I forgot to get cake, I might try Asda next time, when I'm in a bind for groceries.

Think I prefer zoomy for the value. This is the second time using the new Avon mask, spreads ok, feels tight on the face.

I can't remember how my skin feels afterwards. I thought being hormonal I would break out more..

I think the mask is helping with the acne, I don't think I have any. Aside from my nose which is dry and peeling, the rest of my face is smooth.

I tried the bang bang chicken with rice, found it a bit dry and dull, I would not get that again.

I've been wanting to try some tandoori chicken strips that have been in Iceland but they haven't been in stock until now.

Maybe they will arrive or be sold out. Sorry I haven't been blogging, just haven't been inspired at all.

I'm living in my head cycling through the same imaginary story with different twists that I'm not transferring onto a page.

I got into a new game that is really addictive Word Associations, I wasn't sure I would like it.

But it's surprisingly challenging. They throw rows of words and you have guess and list them as to what they have in common.

Sometimes they merge into a picture and then it's hard to remember what the picture represents.

To be honest, I've used the hint a lot, you have to watch an advert.

Some do not make sense to me and some words I have to googly because I've never heard of them but it's interesting and simple and I like wordy stuff :)

The tandoori strips are nice good flavour, I'm not sure if it's quite tandoori but tasty enough, probably just needs a lil dip with it.

I've got the UC appointment tomorrow and immaturely been avoiding checking the post.

If he is there tomorrow I wonder if he will give me a new cv appointment? Twit!

I'm trying to watch more of the Passionflix films, some are not spicy but interesting romcoms.

I just saw The Will that was good, not as depressing as I thought and a fun pairing.

Not spicy but interesting.

#BlogLife970 - Playtime app uninstall

I had a look and saw some new things to try, so ordered them for tomorrow.

Pizza chicken wedges, whatever those are. 10x £2.50, salt and pepper chicken wings £3.75.

Bang bang thai chicken with rice £4.25 and peri peri chicken stir fry £4.

Baileys has a whole range of things. Ugh I keep cramping. I started monthly so not surprised I feel delicate.

I finally got the £20 on Playtime, then tried to cashout, they want a photo to verify I'm human, no way, these apps are collecting lots of private information.

I'm uninstalling, irritating advert games with lil playability anyway. I left my appalled review and probably will eventually try another app maybe..

The chicken wedge thingys weren't potato, just triangle breaded chicken, nice enough, not sure I would get it again.

Ugh at the weekend I got this £10 off grocery shop on Just Eat, one day only and I thought, pfft, I don't need anything.

I assumed yea yea fully stocked up on sanitary towels, checked the cupboards, I had only 2 half packs, yeesh.

Considering there's only 9 per pack and I'm heavy, needed to stock up asap.

Thought I would try Sainsbury's on Just Eat, as they had no minimum order and surprisingly were rated 5 stars which is unheard of with grocery places.

I can see why now, he came in 17 minutes, didn't get lost, didn't call for directions.

The delivery fee was 50p, service charge £2 pfft, pricey but I think the quote was higher maybe £2 extra.

My stuff was light, 3x pads, a southern fried chicken wrap and a chicken tzatziki one, unusual.

I have no appetite so that will be for later or tomorrow. It's a pity they didn't have a cheap tissue box, they were expensive.

And I was tempted by the chicken katsu sushi but didn't bother. I was more in the mood for avocado something..

Asda had butter chicken samosas but a lower rating overall.

Oh you know what's interesting, Sainsbury had the festive chicken too but all theirs had pork, tsk tut.

The neighbours decided to bother me again, at 9.30pmish, knocking on my door....

Who does that?? I just ignored the creepy person, they steal my post, park their bikes, block my path and then what...?

You want a favour? Buzzing my door at all hours of the day and night??

Sod off!!! 

I could have done with a lot more sleep but I figured incase the landlord is lurking, I will just order early and avoid them.

Worked a treat. I'll share more foodie reviews when I try things out.

I finally checked 7 Cups volunteer site because I think it said I had messages and even though, I'm not in the mood for people.

I also don't like ignoring anyone either. It's hard putting my needs first but it's beneficial.

2 of my acquaintances had been wanting to check up on me and I don't want to stress them so I added a lil update.

Then I wrote something to release the tension, a vague explanation of sorts.

I can't go into details but at least I can say Yea, not feeling great, highly stressed and worried about my health.

I also added that I don't want to talk or explain myself and that when I'm delicate, particularly pain wise, I retreat and hide away from further exploitations.

At least they can see where my head it at, not personal and I think I tagged them both just to reassure them.

I mean I don't really feel ok, I can't say that I'm good but I'm doing what I can.

I had one membered that had messaged me, eek, poor thing so I apologised and said I wasn't taking any chats at present and referred them on.

I mean it all feels selfish still but I have a right to take care of myself.

The pedicure and optician appointment and brows are definitely off the table for now.

Those might not happen until next year. Oh well.

#BlogLife969 - I must be more productive..

I was hoping for a lot more sleep, I think I kept waking up again, but chunks of rest is at least something.

I'm craving cheesy gooey toasties, I might add marmite to it. It's freezing so waiting for the heating to kick in, plus got to unwrap and switch on the blankie.

I got to fully unpack the bag Mama handed over, or should I wait for Christmas?

I already spotted cheetos and Hershey's kisses. Oh my goodness, when we used to holiday in Iceland with family, that's where we discovered them.

And everytime relatives would visit they would bring some, I thought it was native to Iceland and who knew there were different flavours?

For anyone unfamiliar, it's a lil chocolate in the shape of erm, half an hourglass, or a lil mountain or a lil bottle lol.

I don't know which version she bought me, hopefully one with nuts but I haven't had them, since I was a youngster.

I wonder if these will be proper cheetos, crunchy crisps, our UK version is a lot softer, more like wotsits.

No UC cv appointment, so it must be next week, I hope he forgets to book it, I'm shattered.

I still got loads of pakoras left, oilier and not as crunchy, but totally delicious and fresh.

For some reason this time the dip was spicier, I prefer it mild.

Oh I tried the teriyaki itsu bao buns, quite bland actually. I was expecting better seasoning.

I would not get that again, I'm curious about the soup dumplings but I've never seen the chicken ones in stock.

2 minutes cooking time wasn't enough, 4 minutes was better. I'm quite stuffed from the toasties.

I tried the Hershey's kisses, lovely chocolately taste, plain but still good.

The cheetos are magnificent, these are all childhood favourites from when we vacationed abroad, so it reminds me of my younger days, munching these different flavours.

I put an image on Twitter, I might upload more, there's an envelope, which I will save for Christmas.

Plus other stuff I'll let you know about later. At least my stomach has stopped flip-flopping, I don't think I'll be sick like yesterday.

I'll try to drink more today. Nope the food stayed down, I'm incredibly bloated but famished and thirsty but I think sipping the ice water helped.

Plus I had a pepsi, I ran out of cold water so had that, I think it helped my tum anyway.

I keep saying I'll find a way to put the stress and illness aside and yet I can't seem to compartmentalise it.

It's just always there. The only time I seem to relax is when I'm gaming or there's a uniquely entertaining random.

What will it take for me to write more, finish the stories and be consistent?

I have no idea. I just feel overwhelming trapped in a type of confinement, where I'm locked in place and not free to be creative.

If I escape to la la land, is that embracing insanity or is protecting myself from other people's harming nature?

So in la la land. I'm married and the guy has all the responsibilities on his shoulders, not mine.

There's noone haunting me, in dreamland or when I'm awake.

I'm left to my devices, to write or not too write.

There's a calm quietness but it's not eerie. I don't jump out of my skin when the phone rings or when the doorbell goes.

I guess it would mean, I'm in a safe environment. I'm accepted for who I am, nobody is asking me to change or be more than I'm capable.

And I have my freedom back and my mind, it's no longer held hostage.

It's a much nicer place to dwell, I feel serene even writing it.

I guess the pressure is finally off. Love or something akin to it, has healed me or maybe I healed myself?!

I wonder if this feeling will last until tomorrow..?

#BlogLife968 - I don't fancy You

Song of the day - Bobby Brown - On Our Own

I picked this song, probably had it before because I was tiredly strutting past builders try to get energised, cool funky soon, made it home because of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZpr4qQzeI0

Before I forget, had a tiny bite of that iced chocolate fudge cake, holy moly..

Very dense, sweet but not sickly, intense flavour of fudge and chocolate, not in the mood for pudding but had to try it, divine and soft, absolutely no dryness.

I had the sandwich and still hungry but not enough to get up, not sure whether to go for pasta or the dumplings or the bao??

Decisions, decisions, only the teriyaki bao is new for me, I wonder if I'll like it?

Feels like ages since I've done reviews, it's fun trying new things, even if sometimes it doesn't live up to the hype..

The biscuits remind me of nairn, like a dry oatcake, but nairn is way tastier and cheaper.

I did try to cook a lil teriyaki bao but I left it in the oven too long and it hardened, my fault so not much flavour.

2x minutes is probably the sweet spot, they say 1 minute but prefer to give extra time.

I don't know if the lil Tesco will have it but I saw a chicken and trimmings sandwich, no pork..

And chicken tikka samosas so those would be fun, there's a mango chicken and a pesto one too..

I think it's just struggling with the pain and energy, when I get in, I want to unwrap something and relax, not stand there waiting for something to heat up.

I try to play loud party music and get myself energised but 5 minutes away, just feels like a huge path to trek too.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that's what it is, when you're sick you're sick.

Least I don't have to wash my hair tomorrow. I should go for the pedicure or get my brows done finally but the distance away keeps putting me off.

Oh Too Good Too Go app, says after my next purchase, I'll get £3.50 to spend on an order.

So essentially, will have gotten my money back after all. I have to pick a day, I'm well rested and the back, legs and feet aren't hurting.

Tomorrow lunchtime meeting Mama. Oh I think there meal deal is around £4ish, drink, snack and sandwich.

Maybe I'll get a wrap. Ok just got home, ugh now that the roads are finally open, Tesco is closed.

So annoying I wanted to browse and have fun, looking at what is new.

I wonder when they will re-open, it's all taped up and restricted for some reason.

I don't know if there was an incident or road works or what.

Anyway meeting Mama was actually fun, neither of us were hungry, my tummy won't stop churning.

So we sat and talked and she's getting the heating discount too.

She said she tried a Greek restaurant but they were quite rude regarding the Too Good To Go app, she wouldn't go there again.

No one is forcing you to advertise on the app, you tits! No reason to be disrespectful.

I don't know if eating will make me feel better or vomit. Even a fizzy appletiser didn't help, though I left most of it.

Mama didn't get the pakoras at the rude place we normally visit, they had issues, but she said near Sainsbury's is a good alternative, although it's far.

Plus I told her about the food truck and she was so happy she loaded up for us ha.

I offered money but she said she didn't want or need it. The food smells so good.

I wish I could nap but got the UC stuff to do. I wasn't sure if I wanted pakoras, holy moly it's tasty.

I better get a drink and keep sipping, while I play anti nausea in the background.

I don't know if I'll blog tomorrow, I feel depleted and so sickly. I can't wait to wash off the makeup.

Oh one of the randoms was behaving really rudely, I don't know if it's the same one I added to discord.

I'm in no mood for it. He was saying, be careful other women want me, like stay on your toes, I know you really like me.

See I can't stand arrogance and deep insecurity, unless you add humour to it, like I do.

I replied she/they could have him, I have moved on and he just carried on, like, no you like me too much.

To say something like that, you have to be really sure of yourself, really read the other person and know that they are hooked.

I can take or leave randoms, so I blocked him. When it's not fun anymore and your ego is up your arse, you're dismissed.

Next........!

#BlogLife967 - On to the next one..

Well the last of the Avon cream cleanser squirted out over the brush, how long did that last?

Hmm only 3 weeks, not good value, my usuals last longer than that and with no scent, I wouldn't get it again.

It did leave my face moisturised and smooth but so do other products which are a lot cheaper and larger.

I'll let you know the next one I use next tomorrow or whenever this goes up..

I opted for the blemish one, at second sniff it smelled like berries and I thought ooh, finally a fragrance.

But alas no, the reality of it was glue, a yucky glue smell.

Ugh but surprisingly it was a cream cleanser, I was expecting a gel one one somehow.

I'm not concerned, my skin is loving the lightness.

Plus it's winter, so extra hydration is never a bad thing.

I'm almost tempted to open the papaya surely that has a beautiful perfume to it.

I doubt it though.

Yesterday yeesh burned my eyes with the contact lens cleaner, youchy. 

Today I slept so badly, the binmen woke me up, they came at 5am yeesh.

I took a stand or rather a seat. As all the lower level seats were taken, I sat on the elderly/disabled seat, on the bus.

I usually don't, but I am shattered and having fun blogging on the bus actually. 

Nobody needed it so that was cool. Not sure if I got any dirty looks, haven't looked up but my face has been going through all the emotions. 

Anyway I'm not important enough to be observed.

Hmm 10 mins to spare, should I go to Tesco?? I didn't want to risk being late so didn't bother.

Ugh the advisor said, make the font on the cv larger, it's bloody tiny as it is, to fit it on 2 pages.

Then he goes add the end dates, who can remember that far back.

Then he said Oh come back later for yet another cv professional ffs or return Thursday, the swine.

So nauseated, tired I opted for Thursday, I don't know if it's this week or next, I'm shattered.

I'm not gonna touch it, they can sort it.

I didn't go to get the samosas, popped in briefly to the international store and picked up this chocolate fudge cake slab for £2.50 it's huge.

By the brand Four Lakes, I think I've tried their lemon loaf, coffee cake and maybe one other, I'm not sure, delicious though.

I also saw Rubicon sparkling passionfruit drink, normally I see orange but that was the only thing there that appealed, actually pretty nice.

Now I'm home and my back is aching, I did a mini Zoom shop. I got the fiver lunch deal.

There was a 3x meal deal for a tenner. Plus some date, plum and hazelnut biccies for £3 ouch.

Lastly I got the Itsu teriyaki 8 chicken bao buns to try £4.25 and the 12x regular chicken gyoza £4.60.

I just wanted snack foods, nothing taxing. Mama texted to say she would come to my place and hand over the stuff.

But I feel that's too cruel and inconvenient to travel all that way to me, and as shattered as I will be tomorrow, I said would meet her in the market.

Crikey if I have to head out Thursday, 3 days in a row, I will be dead on my feet.

Tomorrow or Thursday I'll try to make it to Tesco so I'm not tempted to order more food.

I'll see, I'm thoroughly drained. I'm actually curious if Tesco has any new speciality items, during Christmas which isn't here, they normally do.

I didn't ask Mama to get me anything tomorrow, if I pop in Tesco, I'll get her a drink and see what the veggy options are.

She hasn't told me what time we are meeting, will probably leave it until the last minute, I feel irritated already.

I wish I was tired enough to sleep, I guess I can't anymore, the zoom stuff is due.

I'll put up foodie reviews, either this week or whenever I have the energy and inspiration to share.

One last thing I haven't needed to charge the face brush yet. Oh crap I was going to use the old one as a body scrub and forgot.

#BlogLife966 - I let him have it

Hmm, I just blew up at P. I feel like I'm all over the place with stress and pmt symptoms and the rest..

P is most chatty when we flirt. He never initiates a phone call any other time, to say Hi, How are you doing?

It's never a thought of let me call her during the day, maybe lunchtime, surprise her.

I've had others do that for a routine chat, despite being busy.

Sometimes I think he's all about his needs. Anyway I realised I felt tired early and he calls out of the blue..

It just vexed me so much and then he says what he always does, Oh it can be normal..

So this time I lost it and said No, consider chats off the table.

It's what pisses me off about you. You never want a phone chat any other time to catch up.

He hasn't responded and he can call it a normal chat but then he always, always flirts after a while.

We aren't an item, just acquaintances but damn I still want someone to be concerned, check up on me.

Say they missed me, wanted to hear about any updates..

It'll be interesting to hear what excuse he makes tomorrow..

It reinforces the belief, nobody cares. It's me, myself and I.

We don't argue so how will he handle confrontation? Today, still nothing.

Over text he is more inquisitiveness, asking me about my day. I can't fault him for that.

I think the other thing which put me off, was him asking, Do you like the idea of me coming to your place??

No, no, no! He knows I have trust issues. Why would you even say that to me?

If he didn't make me feel as though I ran a flirty hotline, he could have call privileges returned but he does.

My tastes have changed again, I'm going off fish, which I love and craving more beef.

I wanted it to be the other way around but I can't force myself to eat cod and salmon when it doesn't appeal.

I'm still not volunteering for the moment, I miss the acquaintances I made but I just feel stressed and there's aggravated pain which is constant.

I'm not working on the stories either, I just can't seem to fix my brain and make it function.

P eventually apologised and what makes me laugh is that he's not remotely flirty now ha.

He doesn't get where I'm coming from at all and I can't explain it anymore clearer.

I don't mind over familiarity but treat me like a person, not an object. I do have feelings.

Oh there's another store added on the Too Good To Go app but it's a late night wine and grocery place, maybe 10 or 15minutes walk.

Which I used to go too, more when I first moved in for snacks or top ups before the days of Ocado Zoom.

But it's too far for me, just the process of emptying the bins, the other day, completely zapped me of all energy, I was fine before that.

I keep worrying about losing my independence and not being able to do things because not a single soul I know, who is reliable or helpful.

I just have to keep figuring things out, keep struggling, keep trying to keep my head up..

While I physically and emotionally decline.

Tomorrow is the UC appointment, I hope I get a good nights sleep and am able to pop into that mini Tesco and pick up lunch.

I'm not sure I will bother with anywhere else, apart from to get some samosas or the wrap..