I remembered that there was two Ricki Lake movies that stuck with me Babycakes and Mrs Winterbourne.
Both had that ring of naivete, where you think you know it all, think you're a grown up and then realise, you don't know jack about life and men and what makes you happy..
I guess my stories are me putting myself out there but from a safe distance and waiting for someone to come along and shut me down again..
That's my fear someone will confirm my fears and say.. Listen chicky you can't cut it as a writer, you don't have that flair.
You're limited in your abilities and frankly I just don't see the substance there..
But I am just going to carry on as I am, with all the varied topics and stories.
I have to remember to cancel the prime trial before the 6th January as that's when they charge me.
I couldn't think how the movies ended soo I wanted to see if she ended up happy in the end, I'm not going to spoil it.
I love Thursday's it's when Looney Tunes World of Mayhem puts out their new event and it's all shiny and new and different for a bit.
I usually sleep early on New Years Eve, there's nothing to keep me up, I think by 11amish I was tired..
Unfortunately I forgot about the loud long fireworks that lasted for ages and that kept me up for a bit.
I slept, woke, slept woke for most of the night, but got a few long hours here and there, with odd odd dreams.
So by 9amish, I'm typically waking up slowly and forcing myself out of bed to put on the heating and blankie.
I don't know if I should try to cut my hair again, it's misbehaving and won't fall nicely.
I don't know whether to do a grocery shop either, I have most things now and I'm not sure I need too.
I'll look and decide later. A new year is when you hope things will improve.
I just can't help thinking, it will be the same. I can try and change my mindset, manoeuvre and push past it, attempt to be stronger..
Or promise I'll put out my stories and spoofs, some more lighthearted stuff but I don't know if I will.
There's so much hanging on my shoulders burdening me down and I can't just forget and say la di da, let's push you aside and pretend everything is normal because it isn't.
And that doesn't seem a healthy way to exist anyway.
I guess the most I can do is have hope that there is inner strength inside me, to be able to deal with everything thrown at me.
It feels relentless and like I'm failing at the solutions, I fix this and then it doesn't take or something else happens and I think cripes, I was finally relaxing, content that I did the right thing and now I have to do something else..
But that's life for you, challenging this way and that and you don't have to be capable all the time.
It is ok to crumble and falter and admit, Hey world, I'm not dealing with this well at all.
It's difficult but afterwards you have to find a way to pick yourself or lean on others, ( I don't lean, but if possible, you should).
P texted me at midnight to wish my a Happy New Year. It was sweet, I'm not sure I was in the mood but I did reply and I didn't want to wake Mama incase she was asleep so I texted her late in the morning as she said she wanted a lay in.
I tried the Kellog's chocolate cornflakes bar, the cornflakes bit is great but it has this weird white coating.
I didn't know if it was white chocolate, yoghurt or what, it turns out it's milk...
Hmm, I can do without that, it spoils it with a peculiar taste. I wish they had not have tried to be clever and added it in, where it didn't need extras.
