#BlogLife1055 - Waiting on nitwits........ All day disrespect

Ha, I said I was going to leave the cleaning until the morning and then I thought the sun has gone down, there's only a bit to wipe, sink and the tub, why not just do it?

That's exactly what I did, somehow found the energy and then took out the bins.

I was going to change the duvet but then there will be a pile of washing left out.

I've done enough. There's still a soreness lurking. I'm glad I did it. Tomorrow I might see if there's anything else before they arrive and then that will be it.

Mind you, they might leave a mess and their trash, which sometimes happens..

I'm all done, I should have actually mopped the floor but there is no way I have it in me. It's all presentable, just not spotless.

I slept quite off and on so maybe a few hours and then woke up before the 7ish alarm.

I just want it over and done with then I can relax, eat and be normal for the weekend.

My eyes feel so much better with the eye drops, maybe the saline will come tomorrow..

It's only 9amish. Two hours I've been up and they could come at anytime before 12pm, unless they run late...

I was hoping they would be here by now. Time is going too slowly.

Hmm it's nearly 11.30pm. Have they forgotten? There's still no texts, emails or calls...

They could have been done by now. What was the point of me waking up at 7amish??

I'm drained. I can't even concentrate. I can't turn on the heating or close the windows, even though it's chilly...

If I do when they get here all the windows will be open and I'll catch a chill.

Luckily the blankie is nice and toasty. I can't munch because I don't want to open the door all messy..

I can't nap incase the phone/door buzzes.. I can't change either, even though it's nearly 2pm.

2 hours late! At what point do I give up? I've got no appetite.

Alright just stop everything. It's just gone 3.33pm so over 3 hours and that's it.

I'm done. I'm going to eat and chill and they can go jump off a cliff!

I'm going to try that truffle pasta thingy.

You know what's funny? Being distracted and then not realising, I still had the heated blankie on, when the sun is raging and hot now. Oops.

Holy moly the truffle chicken macaroni pasta is delicious. It has zero truffle taste woop woop.

It's elevated seasoned up mac and cheese, that's what it is, I thought I would hate it, but it's wonderful.

The Muller Mississippi mud pie is not great. The yoghurt part is fine, toffee, coffee, more coffee..

But the other side is like a dry bitter biscuity and it's not sweet enough and not exciting to eat.

That I assumed I would love but I don't, crazy day. I'm glad I munched but that's my limit for today.

Oh one last thing, so it was mostly a good chat with Mama until the end...

One of the siblings asked at what point did I finally start talking in school?

And the whole conversation took a nasty turn because although I don't remember it.

I know why I didn't talk. At home constantly criticised and told to be silent.

I thought I was an embarrassment to myself and representing my family.

Idiots shouldn't talk blah blah blah.. 

And I thought really Mama? You're making a joke and laughing at this?

A traumatic childhood is amusing to you? The fact that I hated myself and thought there is nothing positive about me???

For decades is not a joke. You're bringing up his name and once again, I am the butt of everyone's mockery.

I was half tempted to tell her straight....... The reason I didn't talk was that I believed I was dumb!!!!

That was hammered into me at home, on a daily basis. Did you conveniently forget that??

Anyway I've touched on this so many times, she will never change and wise up.

Heaven forbid she do some soul searching or inner reflection, and even if she does, it won't last.

I don't want to be bothered by it this time, so I'm writing it out and getting rid of it.

Err unfortunately my brain has other ideas and it keeps replaying it in my head over and over.

And I was trying to figure out why? And then it came to me. It's like she wanted a daughter but didn't.

She didn't want my personality, she wanted her bubbly niece's. That's why she continually compared me to them and said...

Why can't you be like them? Skinny, popular, confident, friendly. (She didn't name the traits as such but it was loudly implied).

She conveniently ignored their obvious defects, which was disrespectfulness, being unkind, bullying and a shatterer of confidence.

And I always wondered why, she only saw the good in them, yet only saw the negative in me?

It gave me the biggest complex........ Why am I so unappealing? What's wrong with being myself?

So her view of me, plus my siblings and cousins and Papa and friends made me think Wow, nobody will ever love and respect me for being me, because they keep harping on about my inadequacies so it must be true right???

I just had to shut out and silence all their hatred in order to love myself and know I deserved better treatment and care.

I don't know but I think I needed that reminder today. No matter how arrogant I pretend to be, just to feel semi ok and normal.

When family brings it back...... It's like they are saying it's obvious, You are not one of us.

We barely tolerate you and don't accept you, remember that....

Why can't I just have the good relationship I crave, instead of a bitter one?

At this point I'm glad Mama's is off on her holidays for 2 months. I need a break from her, like she excels on ruining good times.

I just don't want to speak to her or wish her safe travels, I'm too angry.

By the time she comes back, I'll have simmered. I think what's also infuriating is that, even if I said, You of all people know what our home life was like.

Because she gleefully pointed out to all the Teachers, she's fine at home, talks normally.....

She doesn't need extra help or special attention..

Yea even if I said the older sibling in particular told me to shut up, every singe time I talked....

She would have found a way to negate and say, well it was only a few times or I've forgotten or I think you're exaggerating, it was a joke......

I don't feel heard and validated to say my childhood and your version do not match up.

And even though you don't agree with mine, I need you to accept it and realise my reality was real to me.

She'll never give me that closure though. She acts like I should be over it and mentions their names, without filtering or sparing my feelings.

I know I'll eventually snap and blurt out home truths about trying to harm myself.

And the real reason I don't date and the fact that I feel unattractive on the outside and inside..

Plus my confidence fluttering, one minute I'm good and the next just feel I can't do anything successfully....

Or the fact that, the only way I knew I would survive life was to stop hating myself and fight my mind against layer and layer of being despised in my surroundings.

But it took years and years before that happened and I wasn't sure I had it in me or even wanted to live and put up with it.

I know my faults and as negative as my family is...... I want to show someone in the same boat as me, that there is positivity out there.

There is a way out of the darkness, it just takes time, healing, patience, self love and purging your soul from toxicity.

Ok sorry you had to read all that but I had to say it and get rid of it.

#BlogLife1018 - Sanctioned for being disabled?

Song of the day - Pete Rock/C.L Smooth - They Reminisce Over You 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6mdRv0ZdR8&list=WL&index=85

I know I haven't done a song of the day for ages and I found this by accident, I used to play this over and over for the beat.

A very old song that I forgot about and now added to my playlist on the phone.

There are so many songs I loved and cannot remember the names of them.

Anyway spoke to Mama about the chocolates and she confirmed it, overly bitter and not sweet really and we both like the occasional premium chocolate treat so when we indulge, we want to savour and enjoy it.

Fun Iceland has some new items to try soy and ginger sticky chicken pieces, which sounds nice £4 for a 400g bag, we'll see..

Then finally Chicago Town has a bbq chicken and veggie pizza, maybe they read my chicken lovers idea post, ha, as if :D

£1.75 for 2x minis is good value, cheese, green and red peppers and chicken, fun and no corn, woop.

I'll be surprised if they are in stock by the weekend when I do my shop.

BT keeps calling me but I don't know if it's really them or spam so I've been avoiding it and I have too much to do anyway.

I'll eventually call them up. It's nearly 11am and my appointment was for 10am.

I was there on time for the cv workshop farce. Oh just before that I printed out 3 pages and was charged £3.56 by Ryman's..

What the hell is that about? £1ish per printout??? It was black and white, not gold coloured..

I suspect I was ripped off a tad. Last time it was.. Forget it I can't find it but there is no way it was that much.

Do I have Exploit me and treat me like crap tattooed on my forehead??

Anyway, he did all the printouts except my cv, I've no idea why he didn't do that, yeesh the things I have to do because the library assistants suck!!!

So I didn't bother to wash my hair, I was up early, maybe a few hours of sleep..

And I try to register with the reception bit that I'm here and I'm told it's upstairs.......

My advisor knows full well I have disabilities but he doesn't respect me and seem to think I'm being a lying prima donna.......

I suspect he wants to get me in trouble. Congratulations you sorry excuse for a human being, mission accomplished.

I'll probably get sanctioned for failure to attend. Stairs make me dizzy, and it aggravates my condition, I feel like my insides are tearing.

So I said I can't do the stairs, there are computers downstairs, (I assumed someone would work with me on that).. there is also working lift, they do not let anyone use.

There is about half a dozen security guards doing nothing at all.....

If it's a safety thing, transport, one person at a time, you absolute dickheads!!!

Anyway, the advice was to write a message in my journal to say I can't manage the stairs because of my condition.

(That the schmuck is well aware about)!!! I can see him reporting me spitefully.

Ugh I was supposed to hand over the printouts to him as well. I didn't even pop in to get some snacks I am so peeved!

How is this world so nasty??? I have bills to pay and they'll probably stop my payments for a few months....

I do what I can and I not putting my health and safety at risk. Last time the pain was so bad I could barely walk.

My entire body stiffened up. I can't believe the prejudice. As usual I will update you on what happens next.

I am tired and sore and have lost my appetite, that's nothing new..

#BlogLife425 - The pain that never goes away..

I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about today. (Thursday) but sometimes when I get it off my chest I feel better.

It's 10pm and tomorrow will be a long day so after this I will hit my bed and hopefully sleep well enough for a few hours at least.

I want to get an early start and avoid all the traffic of people shopping and travelling to work.

I feel I did sleep for a bit and then I think by 8am I was drifting in and out, making sure I hadn't overslept.

I did set my alarm, turn the heating on high and then sleep a lil bit more.

I think 11amish I uneasily just decided to get ready. The appointment wasn't until 2pm but either I have sluggish movements or times goes extra fast.

I didn't really feel too sicky, a bit here and there but it passed and I forgot to take my humbug mint sweet with me to control it.

I guess I didn't need it anyway. The journey there was fast but as I was standing, the bus was really jerky.

I had such a death grip on the pole, that my hand started getting really sore and stiff.

It's not usually that bad and it's still throbbing now. An early rest will hopefully sort it out.

I didn't nap. I just felt like there was too much to do, eat, emails, blogging, advent comps and other stuff..

It took maybe my usual 10 minutes and I arrived 10 minutes early so I just called up to notify that I was around.

Only to be told Dic-tator was on his lunch break but he knew that I was coming.

You couldn't have grabbed a sandwich and came back or postponed it a lil??

He doesn't see me when I'm late, now doesn't like when I'm early?? Don't schedule it around your breaks then, idiot!

So they keep asking me to come upstairs and I have to explain that I'm disabled and that aggravates my conditions so they say, ok, we'll find someone else.

I pace around in the tiny downstairs foyer bit as standing still, just makes it worse.

Some time later, someone comes down and says, give me your details and we'll just pass it on.

Oh and you didn't need to come today, there's no paperwork for you to sign.

Grrrrrr!!! Jerk called me in for no reason!!! Then Dic-tator casually strolls in, surprised to see me.

Remarks oh just wait and I'll get something. I just nod and inwardly do an eye roll and the pain is getting unbearable now and there is nowhere to sit!!!!!!!!!!!

So much for bringing a chair down, you lying so and so!!!

Then he comes down again and says you know, it's fine, you can just leave, see you in January!!!

I just hurried off, bought sushi, sandwiches and some weird chocolate flapjack cakey bar that wasn't bad.

The bus home was supposed to be a few minutes and then it arrived and the driver just vamoosed.

Not a good sign when the replacement is nowhere to be found. The timetable then changed to 8 minutes or some crap.

Then when it finally arrived, there was all this roadworks and man made traffic lights and we just kept stopping.

I'm sure I didn't get home until 3pm! Grrrr!!!

No you bloody won't. I'll be blissfully away, or at home, (but he won't know that).

I'll just request phone appointments. He's made me travel in the slippery snow, when I've been nauseated, made me climb the stairs when I've felt dizzy and had blurred vision and refused to see me, when I'm a few minutes late.

I need a break. Physically and mentally so he can jump off a cliff!!

I really don't know what it's going to be like when I'm away, hence the uncertainty about writing.

I've been really stressed and drained so I definitely hope that I can relax and be kinda empty and numb for a bit, not in a bad way, but in a... I really need to switch off!

Panicking slightly, that I'll forget something. The bags already seem overstuffed but I guess lighter, when the presents and snacks are handed out and consumed.

I just don't want to forget the fish, chargers, lens case, phone, or presents. Writing it, helps it stick in my memory.

What's on your festive wishlist?

Mine is headphones, warm nightshirts, chocolates. slippers and peace.

I can see myself getting the majority of the above myself, which I'm not fussed about.

I never ask for anything as it seems a bit greedy. I like shopping for bargains and my own personal style anyway.

Goodnight :) and take care of yourselves. I may not be around but I'll be scribbling away.

#BlogLife362 - Body rebellion

I've been getting about 5ish hours of broken sleep lately and today my body was protesting.

If it's not the noisy inconsiderate neighbours rowsing me it's traffic but this morning as I reluctantly opened my eyes at 8am after drifting off at maybe 2/3amish..

I thought No I'm not going to get up and walk around sleepily. I'll see if I can get a few hours in and I did thankfully.

My eyes still continue to irritate me. My lenses have been deep cleaned but my eyes keep watering, maybe it's the lack of sleep?

I have a maintenance appointment tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I just got used to the last regular guy visiting and now there is a new company full of strangers.

I don't know if it will be a bunch of males coming or just one but some of them have creeped me out in the past and there's nowhere to hide in my own home so I just hope it will be quick.

Although I am still miffed about last year. He did the check gave me the all clear and then a few days later it broke down.

What is it even the point? If you can't do your job properly and assume everything is working efficiently because it has in the past??

Maybe that's why they got replaced..... Too damn complacent when it's a big deal. A working boiler providing heat and hot water...

That was definitely a depressing time for me, well for anyone. Going to bed shivering and then waking up and washing your hands with freezing water...

Some of them are pretty rude also, It's a people job, you're required to interact with others, it's not difficult to exchange some pleasantries. Yeesh!

They want me to text a confirmation or reschedule but don't mention how much that will cost. 

Pfft I'm not doing that again. I think one time I was charged £1.50.

Some companies are so crafty about hidden costs. I never assume it is free to reply anymore.

#BlogLife188 - Boggled boiler breakdown behaviour

Morning all. 

Strangely enough I have been sleeping wonderfully since being back. I've probably mentioned this before that I have an archaic combi boiler at home.

While I am away I have learned that the best to do is keep it on low and running, otherwise it tends to breakdown.

On trying to be foolishly frugal when I went away I kept it low, but possibly too low. I'm supposed to have it above the minimum setting.

What happens is, the pressure gets too low and it stops working. I came back Sunday and it was fine, Monday, there was also no problems so I figured, it was okay.

Now yesterday I put it on as usual and assumed as I always do, yea yea yea. It's functioning normally.

I just thought, wow it is exceptionally cold today. It was late in the evening that I thought, ummmm check the radiator, just in case..

Ugh and what happens? No heat coming out, so I ran the hot water and nope cold cold cold.

There have been times where I switch the thermostat off and on and it fixes itself.

However not in this case sadly. I have arranged it so that I can control it solely via the dial. As the boiler is high up, with the tiniest display that I've never been able to read.

You know my eyes are bad anyway. I didn't set the alarm but woke up just before 9am and called and managed to get an appointment for Friday first thing, well 8-1am as he usually comes prematurely.

I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. The whole of yesterday, today, Thursday if I survive and then Friday, I am hoping it is a simple low pressure repair.

They normally just reset it and in 5 minutes, it's normal again. I just hope it's the same guy because some of these workers, unnerve me.

Either they talk down to me, as a woman or they act too flirty and it creeps me out and I feel like I hold my breath, until they leave.

My life is a saga! You know the strange thing? I was having phantom heat surges last night. One minute I was shivering and the next boiling.

I left the thermostat on high overnight, just in case it suddenly said..... Hmm we are punishing her too much, let's sort ourselves out and party and make her sweat in a good way.

But no, it was just my crazy mind playing tricks and an exceptionally thick duvet, which I always purchase because I always feel chilly.

I'll keep you updated. I still haven't spoken to mama yet. The anger is fading but each time, coming home depressed is not right at all.

I will soon but not about this. How do you converse with someone, that doesn't listen?

Story of my life.........Toodles for now and stay well :)