#BlogLife1062 - Peace at last?

Hopefully by today, they have come and gone. Well it's just gone past 10am, so three hours left to wait.

Time goes slowly when you want something over and done with so you can relax the rest of the week.

I don't even feel hungry, considering I've been up for hours. I did have some pakoras yesterday and it had that pakora taste, yum.

Unlike the last time with an onion bhaji taste, which is not what you expect.

I forgot to dip it but later on, if my appetite ever arrives.

Ah so I remembered that the landlord said that they were doing emergency alarm tests and that's who knocked, an electrician, to say they are changing the smoke alarms and fitting in some contraption.

So I'm not sure about the other appointment. It's 10.30ish and he seems pleasant enough but I left him to it.

I'm glad it's happening on the same day or is this the sole appointment?

It's very confusing. I guess I'll see when 1pm rolls around, if anyone else shows up?

I can't stop yawning and every door slam and noise makes me jump.

The funny thing with the alarm appointment was that they didn't mention needing access to our homes so I felt really weird letting him in......

Hmm, bless that took about 40 minutes and he swept up after the drilling.

Plus he knocked and waited, didn't burst in! What a relief. That took a while.

I think he checked in after he was done because I wasn't expecting it to last that long.

But at least he was friendly, that helps. I don't feel hungry it's just 11amish.

Maybe I'll wait until lunchtime. I'm so confused and none of them offer ID ffs!

It was pretty funny, luckily I had finished the post because the electricity went.

No wifi, the blankie turned off, brrr, freezing and I want to turn on the heating but what if the other one shows up....

At least I had tons of mobile data so that wasn't a problem, I just couldn't use the laptop.

Hmm definite dodginess. I'm supposedly in rent arrears? How how how?

I've not missed payments and the double talk?? I honestly do wonder if the operatives are skimming off the top.

I asked her directly what do I owe? Suddenly it's Ohhhh pay the usual, to cover your arrears of £170 or £40...

There's so much inconsistency.... And then she's like, Ohh next time you'll be in credit...

I don't trust any of them! I don't really know what the hell to tell UC now....

If it's arrears based, that's my issue apparently and not theirs but what if it's lies?

How would I prove it and still have a roof over my head?? I'm not trying to be homeless.

I want to change but I have an hour and 20 minutes left.

It's always so weird when they only have an appointment in my place and not the neighbours...

I don't know if he removed the smoke alarms in lieu of the box, that goes direct to the landlord and maybe the fire department or changed them??

Oops forgot to do the thing I normally do, which is play foodie videos to get me in the hunger mood.

Six minutes and then I guess it will be time to relax because 1pm has passed and there's no text or call..

I'm trying to think back on the call, she mentioned the boiler and then backtracked and said it's nothing to do with that...

Even though supposedly it needs a repair and that was ordered..

Then she mentioned sensors and I'm wondering if that's the electrical fire safety box thingy?

Ok it's past 1pm now. Ugh. Well at 6pmish maybe there was a buzz at the door but it was the stupid neighbours so I ignored that.

Oh yea I better do an Iceland order for tomorrow and even though I ate the salad that was supposed to go with the rotis, it will still be good.

I wonder if I should heat it on the panini press or the microwave?

#BlogLife1055 - Waiting on nitwits........ All day disrespect

Ha, I said I was going to leave the cleaning until the morning and then I thought the sun has gone down, there's only a bit to wipe, sink and the tub, why not just do it?

That's exactly what I did, somehow found the energy and then took out the bins.

I was going to change the duvet but then there will be a pile of washing left out.

I've done enough. There's still a soreness lurking. I'm glad I did it. Tomorrow I might see if there's anything else before they arrive and then that will be it.

Mind you, they might leave a mess and their trash, which sometimes happens..

I'm all done, I should have actually mopped the floor but there is no way I have it in me. It's all presentable, just not spotless.

I slept quite off and on so maybe a few hours and then woke up before the 7ish alarm.

I just want it over and done with then I can relax, eat and be normal for the weekend.

My eyes feel so much better with the eye drops, maybe the saline will come tomorrow..

It's only 9amish. Two hours I've been up and they could come at anytime before 12pm, unless they run late...

I was hoping they would be here by now. Time is going too slowly.

Hmm it's nearly 11.30pm. Have they forgotten? There's still no texts, emails or calls...

They could have been done by now. What was the point of me waking up at 7amish??

I'm drained. I can't even concentrate. I can't turn on the heating or close the windows, even though it's chilly...

If I do when they get here all the windows will be open and I'll catch a chill.

Luckily the blankie is nice and toasty. I can't munch because I don't want to open the door all messy..

I can't nap incase the phone/door buzzes.. I can't change either, even though it's nearly 2pm.

2 hours late! At what point do I give up? I've got no appetite.

Alright just stop everything. It's just gone 3.33pm so over 3 hours and that's it.

I'm done. I'm going to eat and chill and they can go jump off a cliff!

I'm going to try that truffle pasta thingy.

You know what's funny? Being distracted and then not realising, I still had the heated blankie on, when the sun is raging and hot now. Oops.

Holy moly the truffle chicken macaroni pasta is delicious. It has zero truffle taste woop woop.

It's elevated seasoned up mac and cheese, that's what it is, I thought I would hate it, but it's wonderful.

The Muller Mississippi mud pie is not great. The yoghurt part is fine, toffee, coffee, more coffee..

But the other side is like a dry bitter biscuity and it's not sweet enough and not exciting to eat.

That I assumed I would love but I don't, crazy day. I'm glad I munched but that's my limit for today.

Oh one last thing, so it was mostly a good chat with Mama until the end...

One of the siblings asked at what point did I finally start talking in school?

And the whole conversation took a nasty turn because although I don't remember it.

I know why I didn't talk. At home constantly criticised and told to be silent.

I thought I was an embarrassment to myself and representing my family.

Idiots shouldn't talk blah blah blah.. 

And I thought really Mama? You're making a joke and laughing at this?

A traumatic childhood is amusing to you? The fact that I hated myself and thought there is nothing positive about me???

For decades is not a joke. You're bringing up his name and once again, I am the butt of everyone's mockery.

I was half tempted to tell her straight....... The reason I didn't talk was that I believed I was dumb!!!!

That was hammered into me at home, on a daily basis. Did you conveniently forget that??

Anyway I've touched on this so many times, she will never change and wise up.

Heaven forbid she do some soul searching or inner reflection, and even if she does, it won't last.

I don't want to be bothered by it this time, so I'm writing it out and getting rid of it.

Err unfortunately my brain has other ideas and it keeps replaying it in my head over and over.

And I was trying to figure out why? And then it came to me. It's like she wanted a daughter but didn't.

She didn't want my personality, she wanted her bubbly niece's. That's why she continually compared me to them and said...

Why can't you be like them? Skinny, popular, confident, friendly. (She didn't name the traits as such but it was loudly implied).

She conveniently ignored their obvious defects, which was disrespectfulness, being unkind, bullying and a shatterer of confidence.

And I always wondered why, she only saw the good in them, yet only saw the negative in me?

It gave me the biggest complex........ Why am I so unappealing? What's wrong with being myself?

So her view of me, plus my siblings and cousins and Papa and friends made me think Wow, nobody will ever love and respect me for being me, because they keep harping on about my inadequacies so it must be true right???

I just had to shut out and silence all their hatred in order to love myself and know I deserved better treatment and care.

I don't know but I think I needed that reminder today. No matter how arrogant I pretend to be, just to feel semi ok and normal.

When family brings it back...... It's like they are saying it's obvious, You are not one of us.

We barely tolerate you and don't accept you, remember that....

Why can't I just have the good relationship I crave, instead of a bitter one?

At this point I'm glad Mama's is off on her holidays for 2 months. I need a break from her, like she excels on ruining good times.

I just don't want to speak to her or wish her safe travels, I'm too angry.

By the time she comes back, I'll have simmered. I think what's also infuriating is that, even if I said, You of all people know what our home life was like.

Because she gleefully pointed out to all the Teachers, she's fine at home, talks normally.....

She doesn't need extra help or special attention..

Yea even if I said the older sibling in particular told me to shut up, every singe time I talked....

She would have found a way to negate and say, well it was only a few times or I've forgotten or I think you're exaggerating, it was a joke......

I don't feel heard and validated to say my childhood and your version do not match up.

And even though you don't agree with mine, I need you to accept it and realise my reality was real to me.

She'll never give me that closure though. She acts like I should be over it and mentions their names, without filtering or sparing my feelings.

I know I'll eventually snap and blurt out home truths about trying to harm myself.

And the real reason I don't date and the fact that I feel unattractive on the outside and inside..

Plus my confidence fluttering, one minute I'm good and the next just feel I can't do anything successfully....

Or the fact that, the only way I knew I would survive life was to stop hating myself and fight my mind against layer and layer of being despised in my surroundings.

But it took years and years before that happened and I wasn't sure I had it in me or even wanted to live and put up with it.

I know my faults and as negative as my family is...... I want to show someone in the same boat as me, that there is positivity out there.

There is a way out of the darkness, it just takes time, healing, patience, self love and purging your soul from toxicity.

Ok sorry you had to read all that but I had to say it and get rid of it.

#BlogLife1023 - Not what I was expecting..

So I have the last bit of cleaning to do, sweeping or mopping and I just don't want to do it.

I should take an old rag, wet it and just move it across the floor. I'm not trying to make it perfect just presentable for tomorrow's appointment..

Disappointingly a few things were unavailable from the Iceland shop, handwash, kitchen towels, boo, I'm running low on those.

I just thought I got a bonus item but then I realised it was the Desime pani puri gol gappa.... (£4).

Giggles, this was not what I thought it would be. The picture was blurry, but I thought it was mini flatbreads..

Err nopey, it's balls of plain bread but seasoned, I was hoping it had potato.

It's light, like a crisp, very strange to me. I've never seen it like that before, at parties, they would cook it incredibly thin and you'd have it with curry, vegetables and it was like a roti, but different.

A drier taste but very tasty, it was one of my favourite things to eat, so I guess this is like a snack or appetiser?

I don't know if you would pair it, dip it or have it on it's own. I think it's already cooked lol, I've no idea.

I have a feeling according to googly these are typically stuffed with potatoes, curry, chickpea or onions and then dipped into a raita, yoghurt or tamarind dip, interesting..

Well it's something different. Oh and the Lancashire Farm greek yogurt is a tiny thing, no wonder it was 89p. I didn't understand the complicated lid, so I cut it open.

I bought the Choee strawberry super mix to try £1, 200g bag but it wasn't in stock, they sent me Maoam fruit and cola 140g bad bit smaller.

The Mornflakes nutty granola and the Iceland soy and ginger chicken will all be fun to try.

Plus Light and Free Greek style fat free strawberry yoghurt, it's been a while since I had chilled stuff.

Oh my that is lovely, even before you open the granola that wonderful oaty smell hits your senses and takes me back to my youth.

It's got loads of nuts, almonds, cashews, walnuts, really crunchy, with Jordan's it had larger clusters, this is mainly tiny bits, so less able to eat from the bag, more designed with milk or yoghurt but I'm glad I bought it, even though I am freezing..

At first I thought it was slices of coconut but I'm so happy it's not, it's walnut which I don't mind at all because it's not bitter, this will last a while hopefully.

That made a perfect blend, the Light and Free yoghurt you wouldn't think was fat free, it's very tasty and doesn't taste artificial to me, nice strawberry flavour.

I just tipped some granola inside the pot and had a perfect serving.

The addition of the nuts is great, very plentiful, I would recommend it.

The Maoam stripes fruit and cola, has a nice fruity juicy flavour, but really hard, it looks like gum, not something I would get again.

But the more I eat it, the nicer I find it. Very chewy but tough, the sweet flavour is probably like starburst/opal fruits, really nice and refreshing. It's not cola though..

The sticky gingers are small strips, and actually sticky but not unbearably so, oops I can't rate it because I overcooked it.

Ha, it probably only needed less than 10 minutes and I did it over that.

It has got a nice flavour, probably needs a bit more ginger but it's nicely seasoned, I guess I would have liked bigger strips.

I have a feeling when I do it next time, it will be a recommendation.

Ok just as I was settling down, missed a call from the landlord, called back, they've set up a repair and this one wasn't a mistake..

(I was hoping they were double checking that I had the surveyor appointment, I wanted to mention waiting 2 bloody hours)..

So I wonder which of the faulty things they are going to get around too?

Broken plug sockets? There is 2 of those. The bedroom light which hasn't worked for years?

The damage to the walls? The damaged bath tub? The wall shower drainer that doesn't drain?

I'll find out when they call me back but it's scheduled to be fixed by tomorrow.

I feel nervous once more, if it's in my room, I'll have to stand in another room..

If it's the bathroom right next to my room, I'll hear every coming and going noise, anxious that they will burst into my room without knocking.

If it's in the living room at least that's a bit further away. As usual I don't want to eat.

Anything to do with the bathroom I push all the things on the edge into a bowl in case it gets knocked onto the floor.

Toothbrush, toothpaste, face brush, handwash lol.

#BlogLife716 - New boiler not warming up to me

When did I get the new boiler installed? This year or last? No idea but it was January, anyway since then I haven't any problems, we have been co-existing famously.

Ahh I had to look it up, it was October 2022. It didn't seem that far back. Nearly 2 years ago. Hmm.

Until yesterday when it seem to stop-start and everything appeared normal on the monitor but on the boiler itself 000.

Apparently it's supposed to be 1.00 or 1.05 something like that, and I'm supposed to press something underneath twice and fiddle with pipes?

Umm no lol. I can barely see and read at the moment, everything is slightly blurry and then after all that, he said, Just call us back if it happens again hahaha!

Too right I bloody will, I'm not trained as an engineer, that's your job matey.

But jokes aside, that may have been the fastest response time ever!

I reported it wasn't working at maybe 11am or 10ish and then by 4.30pm he had fixed it and left.

They always worry me though and make out it's a huge dramatic issue.

He said it's losing pressure too fast and there maybe a leak but then he said, Looks good lol.

Goodness me, scared me, I thought it was going to be another long procedure, with them coming and going.

What concerned me was that for a combi boiler, he only seemed to be focused on the water bit, not the heat bit.

When he left, sure there was hot water, but no heat, so I fiddled with the screen until the flame was present and now I can feel it working.

I will do my usual tricks and leave it on for an hour and then switch it off and do the same tomorrow, just to keep it happy.

Good gracious it is moody when you neglect it!!

I've lost my appetite a bit. I am enjoying the veggy pakoras and the dessert but nothing else really.

Stress is getting to me. I think I'll be happier when I get my spare lens, Oh I hope he gives me a full spare set.

Just ordered Mama's birthday giftset of essential oils, peppermint, lime and orange, lavender (yuck), ha and I got her a bonus lemon as we both adore citrus :)

Then I'll get her a Just Eat giftcard and maybe some other goodies.

Oh that's funny there was discounts and other credit available so I saved £6 ha! Fabulousness :)

Mama also offered to refer me to her dentist. I'll see what happens, the rate things are going, we won't meet until both our birthdays have passed.

I just really want my other lens so I can seeeee. Hmm, ha, J's been suspiciously quiet today, he did reply this morning but I've been winding him up a lot of late.

He thinks we shall talk tomorrow and I said tonight, who is going to be holding all the cards?

Who is going to win victoriously and do a winner dance? It's Thursday afternoony now J hasn't replied but that's not my concern.

This morning I heard the radiator making noises but I was too tired to get up.

I switched it on today and assumed it was fine but I didn't check it and I felt cold, once again the monitor display is normal but the boiler has the three or four zeros again, signifying an issue.

Oh crumbs it's brand new, this shouldn't happen. I'm going to call them back tomorrow, I can't deal with them today.

Too many headaches. I just want a simple solution and what's putting me off, is that there is a radiator in my bedroom and he will need access to all of them.

I just tidied up a bit and then thought I might as well see if they are still open.

I called expecting them to be closed but they were available and once again classed it as an emergency 24hr ongoing repair job.

From now until 8 or 9pm or definitely tomorrow from 8am. She said they would call prior but texting is fine.

I'm not heading out and to be honest, my stomach is feeling queasy from the stress.

Hmm I probably shouldn't have mopped the floors but it was a good distraction with the music blaring.

I should take the bins out too but I am wiped out. I wonder if they will make it today?

As it's 4.30pm and the day is almost over for most. I almost feel guilty for being a priority customer, but then again not really.

I am long term ill. Just feels a bit wrong to jump the queue, instead of waiting my turn.

I want to curl up and nap but not tired enough, it's just the weight of problems that is exhausting me.

This should be a carefree month but I can't shower, can't wash my hair, can't do laundry, can't dry my clothes..

I feel so yucky. Hopefully he will arrive tomorrow when the floors are dry.

#BlogLife569 - 3 hours to fit a door?

Song of the day - Pepper Pepper - Drupatee 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZeMbZRnUkw&list=PLC743C3F57E46E499&index=34

This is Christmas song but it makes me laugh. I've probably posted it before but I don't care.

It always makes me laugh and feelgood and playing the Christmas list helped me unwind today.

I was caught on the hop. The maintenance people were due at 8-12pm but I didn't think they would get here this early at 9am.

I was up since 7amish though, with an uneasy sleep. I got up at 8am and just tidied up a bit more and then I heard the softest knock on the door.

They had arrived and just told me to leave the door on the latch and that it would take three hours??

Yeesh I thought maybe half an hour at the most. What is it that takes so long?

(It's the constant chitchatting, phone calls and whatever else, that increases the time). Zzzz

I asked him about the keys to a blank response and then I repeated myself because I didn't want to get locked inside my own flipping home.

Then he said Aww yes, we will give you several keys when we have concluded our business.

That was a relief because that was the only thing stressing me out, aside from strangers roaming around and the door being wide open.

I've got music on to calm me down. I didn't get a chance to load my room up with snacks or a drink and I never feel like going past them.

But I sipped some plain and lemon water earlier and I'm not hungry yet so I think I'll manage until after they are done.

This is my last appointment for a while so I'm relieved. I can relax after they have left.

I know that my stomach definitely gets extra agitated from stress.

I'm trying to keep even-keeled. There's not been any cramps and minimal nausea so that isn't bad for this horrible week.

I think if it had been a short job, I would have been tempted to supervise but for this, nope.

I feel nauseated and weary about them bursting in my room to ask me something.

That hasn't happened yet. It's like they are too impatient to wait and just barge in. Ughh.

I'm not going to clock-watch. It sucks to have the music low but I don't want to be oblivious, in case they call me.

I can hear several voices which is elevating my anxiety. I wonder if they will clean up after themselves?

I guess I should be grateful that I'm the first on their rota. How is it only 9.40am??

Yay two and a half hours later they were done!! Thank heavens and to be fair they did clean up afterwards.

They called out but didn't go near my room and waited because I couldn't lower the volume and had to take my earbuds out lol.

The new door isn't as ugly as I thought but neither is it pretty. It's just a medium dullish silver.

They remembered to put the number on, woop and a letter box thingy. I've never had that before.

It's always funny when they are explaining things to me because it always sounds confusing.

You lock it but it's not really locked, it's magnetic and so forth. What makes it easier is just having one lock now for everything.

I don't know about you but I don't double lock when I'm indoors. Mama does but I don't.

Ohh I think the latch is gone and maybe the peep-hole I didn't notice them.

No deadbolt but there is a twisty lock, so I just use that instead ha.

It's something I'll have to get used to when I'm rushing out the door.

Ooh something I forgot to mention before. I actually saw the scarce Christmas radox bath soak.

I don't find it often so I just bought one to use because it's my favourite one.

I guess the one thing about being early is that everything get's done faster.

I didn't nap although I was yawning a fair bit and now I will munch and think about the stories....

More importantly working on them..... Ish......After a few scrabble/looney tunes/fishdom rounds :)

#BlogLife522 - The first step is getting up..

Afternoony all. How's your day going? Mine has been exhausting! I'm now just resting from a 11amish - 2pmish cleaning frenzy.

In my head I thought do a lil by lil each day, to make it easy on myself.

But having a heavy period means I was shattered before I even begun.

I just decided to do everything this morning. I made sure I had a proper rest because I knew I would need every ounce of energy not to quit halfway.

Then I got up, got my icy citrus drink, put my party music on and changed my duvet, mopped the kitchen, hallway, lounge floors, emptied the bins and rested a lot in-between hence the time frame.

I got to do another manicure, pedicure and massage chair soon. Maybe I'll ask if Mama wants to do it with me for a treat.

I procrastinated so much this morning but I knew I would get to it. I was determined to cross it off the list and I guess the treat was wearing the new fluffy slippers I bought.

The floors aren't spotless still but they are more presentable. I can't bend down anymore, else I'm going to get backache again.

I got rid of some more old clothes, wiping up the water which was fun because I need the hangers for the new tops that are arriving maybe at the end of the month.

It took me roughly an hour to change the duvet, which is ridiculous but I couldn't find the opening, I wasn't sure if it was a zip or buttons.

Then by the time I was flipping it to spread it out over my bed, I was so drained, it only did it halfway and I had to manually uncurl it.

I mean it's mostly smoothed out and I forgot it's reversible so I put the ugly stripey side on the front but the pillowcases are this bright blue and white colours.

I haven't been napping lately so I'm going to bed early and sleeping deeply but waking up frequently too.

One dream somebody was telling they were being chased by molten lava melted cheesy tomatoey pizza haha.

Then it was after me. I have been craving pizza but I haven't ordered it, maybe that's why it haunted me..

The other dream has slipped my mind. I don't often remember them. It's usually just bits and pieces.

The nice thing is I haven't had a nightmare in a while, those can be frequent-ish especially when I'm stressed.

Normally the maintenance appointments bring me anxiety because it's usually men and some of them are rude or creepy.

As annoying as this probably is to them, my coping mechanism I've realised to calm me down and make me feel safe, if it's a short meeting..

Is to hang out with them in a sense, a good few feet away from them and chitchat.

Some of them are alright with it and some are irritated by it but it's my home and I deserve to feel at peace in it.

I've found when I leave them to it and the doors are opening and closing (especially the front one) and I don't know where they are...

I don't have a full blown panic attack but I'm definitely on edge as though they are going to burst into my bedroom any second.

The fact that it's happened before is pretty unsettling but hopefully tomorrow is routine, just the kitchen, where the boiler is going to be checked and that should be it.

I haven't eaten yet because I didn't want to feel sluggish after and not get up and clean but now that everywhere is tidy, I don't want to mess it up...