#BlogLife1105 - Almost to the point of collapse, still no phone meeting, selfish bastards!!

Ugh I still have leftovers but I can't move at present so ordered sushi with the birthday money, I needed a special drink too..

My left arm is dead and I wasn't carrying shopping, the bus stop outside on both sides are closed.

Had to walk to the next one, heavily delayed, then half way through, Oh we stopping here, ffs..

Still struggling to breathe normally, just the art of putting on the charger killed me.

I will get up only when the sushi gets here, the hand roll is extra nice and not sure if I've tried honey and garlic korean fried chicken..

Weird the 25% off closest branch didn't accept cash, the one a town away, did but only 20% off.

So I barely got to the uc appointment, couldn't stop to rest 15mins late, which means, probably 25 min walk..

In which by the time I got there swaying so badly, my legs wanted to give way.

I couldn't help it, the excessive sun, pain, exhaustion, dizziness made me burst into tears..

I didn't want them to mark me as absent and withold a payment, so no groceries or bills could be paid and ordered..

In the end ignored me for what 15-30 mins, just gave me my next appointment - in person..

Bastards, they could see, it took me 2x tries to get up from the chair, my legs stopped functioning and still no phone appointment....

And it's happening until possibly the end of August or December, didn't really make sense, I didn't get the blurb...

He said I could jot a journal note and request a phone one, but I bet that's limited to one, dickheads.....

Oh and I should register I'm long term ill, they know, asshole, they don't give a shit!!!!!!!

Thank heavens, nothing to do, today. I don't have it in me!

I was looking forward to browsing or picking up snacks but I can't do that now, which is a shame..

Maybe no more shopping until next year if they extend the roadworks? Ugh!!

My poor body :(

Mama or Mama's friend also gave me bath crystals or was it part of the Cath Kidson giftset? I don't recall..

They are laughingly pungent, so what I might do for the majority of them, is chuck them in with the washing, use it as a scent booster, we'll see..

They dissolved fast and I didn't notice the scent on me, just the usual bath soak, ahh think that's my last red one..

It's Monday morning now, I was writing all weekend for this week's posts.

I was hoping to feel better, I am sleeping but this excessive depleted energy is affecting me profusely.

It just takes ages to get up and stand, the dizziness hits, I fall back down and it just seems exhausting, to go to the kitchen and be on my feet.

I want to get on and do things but in this state, it's a disaster, I'll make myself weaker.

I guess I'll wait for it to pass. My recovery time is getting longer and longer.

I'll have to stop and rest, where possible on the way to my next uc appointment, screw it, if I'm late, my health takes priority.

I can not be in that state again, where my legs want to give up and I just want to pass out.

I'll give myself a couple minutes on the benches, recuperate for a bit and then get up.

I prefer just hurrying to get to the destination but that's not working for me.

The pain, tiredness and the sun is not a good combination. I'm dreading it.

#BlogLife1097 - Shut up shut up shut up!!!

As much as I'd like to ignore this, I fear it will eat away until I address it..

So today went smoothly, bar one part of the conversation which just plain vexed me but I as usual had to swallow my irritation because the sun and moon seem to shine out, when she talks about her sons.....

The bullies, terrorisers that I grew up with. Once more she's waxing lyrical about how benevolent they are and I want to scream NO they are monsters....

Why do you insist on bragging about them to me??? I ask no follow up questions, I hold zero interest...

Yet she continues on like they are saints..... How funny, they continually borrowed/stole money from you!!

Hell I'd rather starve than be irresponsibly, running to you for handouts, on things I do not need!

Yet, they say, Oh make sure you treat SS well, she deserves it....

Oh piss off!!! I don't know where the fuck, this saint act came from.....

But I remember the real person..... The one threatening violence....

All the time criticising, calling me an idiot, silencing me, day in and day out...

Now suddenly, you're the good guys??? Go to hell!!

I wasn't the screw up. I wasn't the cause for the Police visits!!

She just went on and on, as though all those memories of my childhood are magically erased as though they didn't happen.

As though how I felt, like the self loathing and disgust, I felt for myself, didn't happen...

Always questioning, why everything I thought and said must be wrong...

Why else would I be mocked? Ridiculed to the point, I stopped talking in school.....

Where the only solution, was to take myself out and not exist anymore...

That would be better, no silly, dumb, unattractive, fat SS, getting in everyone's way........

She is so unapproachable for the deep stuff. One step forwards, two steps back.

The point is, I finally respect how I am, how I feel, it is important but she doesn't!!

It's getting harder to ignore and forgive.

I just had to vent, please excuse the bad language but when I'm mad, I am mad and no-one will censor me, not even me.

I need my voice, I need to be able to express myself in peace.

I wrote the fan and body butter reviews on Amazon, hopefully they will help someone save money.

I always love neutral reviews. No-one likes wasting money.

Strange the Iceland order was due 10-12pm but it's nearly 11am and it's not even out for delivery.

There's been no text to say G or someone else is delivering it..

Hmm, I hope it shows up, there's no call or text, saying there is an issue...

I hope G delivers and no sign of the stationary prize yet. The postie has come and gone and no knocks...

Ugh what an ordeal that was, new driver, argumentative, refused to listen to instructions, talked over me, did apologise afterwards.

But cripes, I kept saying Ouch, ouch, down the phone, having to put my boots on to step outside to further direct him..

Only for him to once again, argue and say I was outside, didn't you see me?

Lies!!! If you were there I would have spotted you. So stressful, arguing with males..

My back is now hurting! Anyway, the whole point of bloody online shopping, is that it gets delivered to your door!!!

I'm kinda irritated today as you can see. I don't appreciate being ignored!

Time to munch leftovers and during the week, I have new things to try...

The R Whites, lemonade and raspberry ice poles, 8x £1.75. They are still sold out of the ginger chicken, which is amazing, so not surprised..

I saw some Chinese sticky chicken to try, 400g bag for £4, I don't think that was part of a deal...

Should be interesting in a sandwich or as a snack. I should have looked for sticky rice.. Oh well..

#BlogLife452 - Fuck Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentine's Day to those that are celebrating and those that are not.

You know I was even contemplating treating myself to a pedicure and eyebrow shape but lil did I know how the day would unfold..

Hair looked great, both sides flicked up, needed to pin it back because the front was a bit a crazy but if you pull out two lil wavy strands, it saves the hairdo.

Went with the pink lippy, it's not bad, nothing special but my eyes looked cool.

I don't know how I don't notice these other colours but I love this palette.

No idea where I got it from but I never noticed the red shade before.

I always two tone, so I did this medium red sweep first and then an arch with a light pink and it didn't fade away, looked cute.

I also wore this light red jumper top but it's pretty warm today.

One of the randoms called me on a private number and then tried to pretend it wasn't him.

Crikey they make me laugh. Pro tip, if you're trying to maintain anonymity, don't follow up with a text revealing your number..

Kinda gives the game away Sparky.. I have no idea which lunatic it was.

I don't answer private numbers unless I'm expecting a call. Then he texted asking if I was alright, then it was some random girl's name.

You wouldn't have witheld your number if you were calling a new girl dumbass. 

You knew I wouldn't pick up and that's how you outed yourself!!!

Anyway back to my day. I slept alright the pain is still there but I half woke up and noticed a lot of moisture.

I thought great it's dissolving and the pain and lump will be gone soon.

Hmm. When I woke up properly and put my lenses in, firstly I've never had a lump leak, they just disappear.

Secondly this was leaking half the night and it was blood. I've never experienced that before either.

It's actually still going and I don't exactly want to stop it as, it's supposed to empty right?

Putting on a bra stung like crazy. After I had shower/bathed I cleaned it up and kinda wanted to leave it clean.

I'm not sure if I should apply aloe vera or just leave it until it's empty, re-clean it and then add it.

This is all new to me. I did Google it and sometimes bleeding does occur in some cases and it's not necessarily an alarming thing.

I'm still worried I guess. Not enough to see a Doctor but it's on my mind so much so that yesterday I burnt my breakfast.

I hope your day is going a lot smoother. I was supposed to have a meeting with Dic.

I set off as normal and then the driver when I was halfway said, Oh by the way we are on diversion.

Arghhhhh!!! I don't understand how some buses are just driving normally and some are not.

I got stranded halfway and had to walk quite a far way to get to him.

I'm actually proud that I did it in 30 minutes. I wasn't sweating or too breathless or in pain but I was nauseated, dizzy and my legs were crumbling.

I so wanted to rest but I am a responsible person so if I have to be somewhere, I'll show up.

I finally got there and did the fool answer? Did reception answer? Nopeeee.

I just left, wondered how the hell I would get home and realised that he's gonna demand another appointment this week.

But he can go fuck himself because the buses aren't normal until next week, which is what I included in the email, minus the cursing.

I'm exhausted and the weird thing was, even though it was warm, I couldn't bring myself to open my jacket.

It's like everyone could see the lump, obviously they couldn't but I feel really weird.

Hmm just changed, I leaked through the bra, maybe tshirt too. I don't really have an appetite but I'm gonna force myself to eat a bit.

I need to rehydrate and have something in my tummy. Then hopefully I can nap and ignore DicTwit!

Much easier to just leave my phone off. I'm sorry that I couldn't write something more fun for the day. I'm just stressed.

Take care and hopefully there will be a better post tomorrow or the next day..