#BlogLife895 - Witch's Insanity interrogation part thousand.. *rolls eyes*

To recap, the last I heard from Witchy was I can't recall if it was January or April?

But I do know that she said You didn't cooperate and give me what I wanted, aka the balance affecting statements....

Pfft I gave you the whole bloody statement, you're just too spiteful and lazy to go through it!!

Any excuse to rile me up and have a go at me. Anyway I just checked to see if I had any post and low and behold there was a letter.

Oh yea and the last thing she said was Wait to hear back regarding a final decision which will typically result in a fine.

I have to talk to my supervisor and this has been dragging on since October and I don't want it taking up anymore of my time.

Blah blah blah. But I've always seen through her, she takes months and months to give updates and it's always to say.....

Do this or that..... She has no intention of resolving this situation. Her goal in life is to stress me out.

Oh sorry also her other demand, (she said I had a choice, but I didn't), was to grant access to my entire bank history so fine, I did it.

Now today's condescending, letter asks yet more questions, to which I've answered already but yet still continues to interrogate me, saying reply by Thursday.

Um I just got it, so unfortunately have to go out next week, will probably do the library printouts too, or maybe an eyebrow shape.

I'm not sure, it depends how I feel but I literally had to go over some details with Mama, as I have a giant foggy memory.

All this is surrounding the time when I was recently released from hospital and I just blocked things out.

Even when I was recuperating at home, I felt I was going through the motions. I couldn't think straight for maybe a year or more?

I'm not sure, there were too many traumas. My brain just shut down and had enough and said Hey, rest, heal, cope as best as you can, forget the rest.

Also I was on a ton of medications, of which I just stopped taking after I while, they were driving me insane.

Paranoia and numbness was a lethal combination, plus I didn't want to get addicted, my family was full of druggies already, that would not be me!

The doctors were not happy, ha screw em, it was my body, my decision and my life.

And so because of all that, plus grieving, it's so hard to recall specific details, I'm struggling and she wants precisey, precisey.

I told Mama she reminds me of a diva Columbo, Just one more thing......... And that although I'm always polite to her, even though she is disrespectful...

In my head I keep repeating W W W W, witch! Mama has a theory that she's deliberately pushing my buttons to try and trip me up.

But I'm consistently telling the truth, I haven't deviated from that and that is why she gets angry and ridicules me constantly because in her mind, she wants a different outcome.

She wants me to lose my cool, shout back at her and confess to her version of what she believes is the truth, not the actual circumstances.

My life has been a horror show. I still get the feeling, she's waiting for the day, that I say.... Oh you got me, I didn't spend money on bills and groceries...

Actually it was tiaras, jewels, trips to Barbados, eating at the Ritz hotels, buying designer clothes...

Skiing vacations, I can't even think of anything else far fetched? Spas? 

VIP nightclubs? Cruises? Ok I'll stop but you see my point hopefully, that's why she keeps hounding me, she wants to hear all of the above, maybe all the previous people were like that?

Who knows, I will let the evidence speak for itself, the paypal and bank histories.

What actually happened, for anyone interested in facts.... Hmm I'm hesitating about sharing all the personal stuff, but maybe it will help...

Ok, here it is, my health conditions were starting to get worse, the pain was constant, I was struggling with walking and using my hands. My legs used to burn when I went anywhere.

But my Papa got sick and needed someone to take care of him, so I was nominated for this as I wasn't in employment.

It was a horrendous time in my life. I felt like I could barely function, let alone take care of someone else.

Bu I did what I could, only for people to jump down my throat and say I wasn't doing a good job, I was slacking off.

Because what I did, when Papa slept, I was shattered, my bones were killing me, I laid downstairs on the couch and slept and because I dared to rest, I was this useless carer and human being.

Let me mention the fact that I didn't get paid, he was really ungrateful and I didn't get fed either.

I was there maybe from 9am to possibly 7pm? All week. I ran his errands, made meals and most of the time, I wanted to weep, the pain was intense.

And I was starving all day. Mama insisted I pay rent, and then I had my own bills, yet she let the other two, run up debts in her name.

So I was lucky if I could afford to buy bread and sandwich fillings. I had a healthy appetite, even though I got called fat constantly.

And if you are wondering, when I would go out to buy my Papa's lunch and ask if he could pay for mine as I didn't have any money.

His reply was Sorry, I can't afford it! So even though I wanted to call him a liar, I accepted it and just went without eating all day.

So then suddenly food was an elusive luxury item. I went home exhausted each night, made a snack, watched television and then probably tried to sleep.

Then I've mentioned the rest, his brother and sister were after his money so they whispered in his ear, your daughter is stealing from you, confront her and kick her out.

And I got this devastating call. He was yelling saying I was this untrustworthy heinous person who was bad and unwelcome.

My parents were experts at painting me as this pathetic loser and finally I got so angry I snapped back.

Hard for me to do when I always feared the repercussions but enough was enough.

I sacrificed my time, my energy on looking after you, and you accuse me of this????

No I wasn't having it so I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he apologised and took it all back.

My friends were like Oh stop overreacting that's your parent but when you've been bullied and verbally abused all of your life, you get to a breaking point and you think Sod off!

I am a good decent helpful honest person. Why do I deserve abuse???

Eventually he did apologise and I said I forgave him because that was what was expected but I never thought of him fondly after that.

He trashed my trust in him and I was so damn frail to begin with. No self worth whatsoever.

Soon after he passed, I got the inheritance, I told the Jobby about it and then I landed in hospital fighting for my life, touch and go..... Intensive care, couldn't breathe or move.

And half the time I prayed for death, told the nurses I wanted to die and half the time, I felt guilty for abandoning my Mama, leaving her with her demon spawn.

So I was released from hospital six weeks later, paid off my debts. Won maybe my first proper prize, a beach hamper.

A year later was kicked out of home and lived in a hotel for a few months still on crutches.

A chunk of the inheritance went on the hotel fees and debts, the other was cab fares, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room and go outside, although I did get cabin fever a lot.

Then I moved in to my place and had to get cleaners, wooden flooring, blinds, furniture, and the utilities insisted I pay the previous tenants bills that he skipped out on.

So I ask you, is that a frivolous party lifestyle? Can you understand why I have a contentious relationship with both my parents??

I was forever hailed as the useless idiot overweight daughter. Too stupid to accomplish anything in their eyes.

Do you get now why I struggle to feel good about myself? Why I've worked so hard to be kind and supportive and boost my own ego?

Why I don't trust anyone? Why I never let anyone in or even close to me? Why I definitely do not date??

It took a lot of healing to get where I am now, and still I struggle.

Just one last thing that explains my love/hate relationship with my family.

Before she kicked me out, my Mama turned to me and said I blame you for your brother's behaviour.

You're a bad sister and that's why he is the way he is, stealing, abusive, hateful. It's all your fault.

You should have been a better person, a better example. She never once held them accountable, it was always me.

I was the despicable, evil, daughter/sister/human being. Do you know what it feels like to hear that constant disappointment?

To be looked upon as scum? Well that's what I grew up with, everyone piling on the hate for me, for simply daring to exist in their orbit.

It's no wonder I didn't want to exist either. That's all for today. I just don't want to think about it anymore, stay in the past where you belong.

Society seems to revere boys/men no matter how disgusting they are but women/girls are to be stepped on and humiliated.

That's why I want to champion females, lift them up, show them they aren't alone, their feelings are real and important and they can achieve anything they set their minds too.

If you are a female and you're reading this, You are a delight in any room you walk in too.

Hold your head up high, you are right where you belong :)

Why can't I stop adding to this post?

I think it's just slowly bringing up things I tried to forget.

As I spoke to Mama yesterday, I swallowed my irritation at something she said.

Oh I couldn't even mention lawyers/the incident/compensation to you.

I thought Do you know why??? I wanted desperately to forget, to cope, to battle the depression that was engulfing me from the inside out.

Each moment reliving it, panic attacks, shakes, waking up terrified I was still in that moment.

And all her friends wanted me to relieve an excruciating part of my life. Tactless!

But Mama wanted the compensation money to cover her debts that her sons bled gloatily ran up in her name proudly.

She didn't care how I felt, so after I had to go over it again with Police and lawyers, thankfully they said I didn't really have a case.

Inwardly I jumped for joy. Trauma is best left hidden until you have the strength to face it, Not when people bully you into it.

I could barely stand, walk or have it in me to face anyone, yet once again at my lowest point, I'm cornered and made to talk about what I went through.

And insensitive people congratulating me on living through it. I was a mess, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Living at home was still scary. The pain was unbearable and functions were limited, yet everyone wanted me to jump for joy.

To all of you that piled on to my self torture and self loathing...

Sighs, take a good hard look at yourself, think before you speak, be aware that battles are not always faced, conquered and finished with, some linger years/decades afterwards.

Don't expect someone to heal on your timeframe. Have some consideration people are protecting themselves and trying to focus elsewhere.

And for heaven's sake Ask what they feel comfy sharing, don't presume!!

You're doing more harm than good otherwise, take it from me, I'm still facing things as though it were a fresh occurrence.

Hopefully that's it and I can move on to today's post and not let brekkie/lunch get cold.

#BlogLife557 - Living in a dreamworld

I'm just getting breakfast ready and trying to keep calm so that my stomach doesn't lurch.

I feel so uncomfortable both physically and mentally. It's getting harder and harder to watch Sefirin Kizi.

Sancar keeps pouring all this hatred on Nare and not taking any responsibility for his part.

Nare is just taking it and not standing up for herself. Plus Sancar is using his current wife and then shouting at her.

Only Gediz seems to look out for her welfare but she's too blind to see his love.

How is that a good example for her daughter? To take crap from others and then ask for more??

Instead of standing strong and saying, I'm right, you're wrong, treat me with respect!!

Also why on earth she is taunting an abuser like Akin, is beyond me, when he catches her, she's gonna be stupidly sorry!!

It's hitting too close to home and I loathe the main hero character. 

I don't find anything redeemable about him and I know they will end up together and at that point, I will stop watching.

I know what it's feels like to care for someone, only for them to pretend to cherish you and trample on your feelings.

To whisper closely, I'm here for you and then in the next breath say the most heart-hurting things.

To be blamed for things that aren't your fault and told, that you're not a good person to be around because what you say, how you look, how you feel, doesn't amount to anything.

Somebody taking pleasure in squashing you down so that you don't have the strength to pull yourself back up.

Then when you're emotionally beaten, he says Run to me. I'll save you. Only I can heal you. 

Only I will ever feel something for you. Nobody else will look twice, only me.

I crumbled and I faltered and my throat hurt so much with the tears that flowed after those conversations.

But the one thing I never did was chase him or flee to him. As destroyed as I was, sitting on the floor, tear stains on my cheeks...

There was always that tiny tiny voice saying Don't believe him, you're precious. Stay put and let him rot in hell.

Don't let someone hurt you. Fight back! I got an email from someone, maybe a reader, maybe a penpaller?

I am unsure but she was very young and lost. I felt for her but I didn't respond.

It seemed inappropriate to converse with someone that youthful. 

Even in the volunteering, they forbid us from communicating with under eighteen year olds because they were too fragile and not emotionally mature enough to handle any truth hurts.

I hope that she found someone on her side and has learned a way to build up her confidence and find a purpose.

It's not that I didn't care. It's that I didn't want to make it worse.

I'm not sure what I would have said. Find something you enjoy either as a career or as a hobby and develop it.

Learn to be kind to yourself. Get to know what gives you meaning.

Distinguish who in your life is good and who isn't. Start a diary or a blog and let it all out.

See if you can connect with someone that makes you smile, someone that doesn't hurt you.

As much as I hate it, find a workout that pumps you up. Exercise has never really been my thing but it was a way to let out my aggression/depression and get healthy.

The reason for the title was because in that fake world, there is no pain, there is just hope and laughter.

I would rather exist there, than here. I'm sick of being sick!

#BlogLife536 - Inside the mind of a narcissist/How I treat your Mama

Good evening to you all. I hope you're in a good mood, doing something for yourself this weekend.

I definitely am relishing every second of feeling more physically well and the tensions slowly leaving my body.

I'm in two minds whether or not to purchase another mud mask and/or a scrub or maybe a combination of them both.

I'm not liking the Argan one, it's doing nothing beneficial and it's awkward to use.

My face is still breaking out and excessively dry which is bugging me because with the moisturiser applied, it switches to oily, yuckity.

With the stand-in showers like Mama has I squirt the scrub on the floor and just rub my feet along it and boom, they are smooth again.

I do try to stay out of the family drama's but crikey I get pulled into it.

The younger sibling aged 40yrs continues spouting garbage and Mama is biding her time until the freeloader leaves her in peace.

I don't like the fact he doesn't knock at the front door and waltzes in like he owns the place.

I don't care it's family. Knock, ask politely if this is a convenient time to visit and wait for a reply and to be welcomed in.

Then he scrounges meals, drinks and supplies and would never think to say Hey Mama, thanks for all you do, I've bought you replacements or dinner tonight.. So you don't have to fuss over me, for once.

Or I don't need a thing from you, I just popped in to see if you required any help at all or favours?

The first I thing I did was pay for a Chinese banquet for us at her favourite restaurant and packed away the laundry.

Then he goes out and returns at Midnight where Mama has to get out of her bed and take the lift down to let him in, which further disgusts me.

Or he will call late at night and say can I come around for some water??

You have a tap, you have the option to order food or drinks or go shopping, there is literally a shop opposite here.

He really lacks basic decency and manners. As a reminder he's renting the room above her (in this retirement complex) because he's too cheap to get a hotel.

Then instead of buying simple toiletries like toothpaste, shower gel, water, he comes and uses the shower, shaves here and just uses her inventory, without replacing them.

Plus angrily demands the hot water be on 24-7 because he deserves it.

Doesn't want to pay her extortionate bills but wants the privilege of taking the mickey constantly.

This is a truly sick individual and it kills me to be civil to him but that's the predicament I'm in.

He was literally bragging about money incoming because he claims to have sleep apnea and narcolepsy.

Maybe apnea but not narcolepsy. The reason the fool is sleeping in the day is because he's out partying late.

He literally slept for an hourish on the sofa, to the inconvenience of everyone having to tiptoe over him.

If you're tired, go home!!!! Then we won't have to hide our purses because he's untrustworthy.

Mama said that any advice she relays has him arguing, swearing and screaming at her.

She told me he's outright confessed to using her and has frequently sworn and attacked her personality and life over email and in person.

She was so mortified and upset that she threatened to share the emails with the rest of her children but I said spread them to the whole of the family.

(I knew she wouldn't do that, as the family gossips and would make her look bad but that would horrify him because everyone would see him for what he is - an abuser)!!!!

That is what it took to stop that line of abuse. I honestly don't know how she can stand to look at him, let alone put up with him.

I've told her I'll be happy when they're both gone permanently. I don't think she realised I mean't when they're both dead but meh.

Intimidating and heinous is what they were, are and continue to be.

Oh yes he's changed, into a bigger monster. Now he's casually mentioning marriage and children like it's an every day thing.

Heaven help the wifey! Scary thought, I hope no woman is ever that desperate. He will be abusive and selfish and confrontational.

Him putting someone else's needs above his own? That would make hell freeze over and pigs would fly.

We both don't want him to return but of course he unfortunately always does, from his lil overseas excursions.

How does he pay for them? As he has not one, but 2 maxed out credit cards.

Good grief. I will never own a credit card and run up debts and be scared of fines and repossessions etc.

Do us all a favour and this time, stay permanently gone and fend for your bloody self!

Just going to add this as it was just relayed to me.

He got money (stole) from Mama over the years. Got £5k (I suspect twice that) from Mama's friend who he was taking care of and probably sponging off too.

I'm so glad the son has banned him with Police action from going near her or exploiting her further.

Just now he asked Mama if she could send money to bail him out if there's problems abroad and he was probably going to ask to stay with her again.

I'm glad she told him NO. I think now more than ever, she's recognising his nasty, bullying, ungrateful, manipulative side.

And has had more than enough of being taken for granted and berated over nothing.

I'm pleased I'm here for this because she seems stronger and more resolved to stand up for herself and not resigned to being verbally abused constantly. 

He leaves tomorrow (Monday 31st). It cannot arrive soon enough..

Holy moly. How do you not invest wisely, budget and make sound final decisions for your future? 

You're a fricking adult!! You act like an irresponsible man-baby. Throwing tantrums.

He brought a female friend over and I never really acknowledge them because I think either he is on his best behaviour around them or they don't care he's abusive.

Either way, how can you not know or see him as the despicable animal he is??

I cringed so hard when she said sincerely, Aww he's leaving you, how will you cope?

Mama had to act sad. Yeesh. Dumb dumb friends, not to see his narcissistic tendencies, which are all too obvious to the rest of us!!

I feel like the 2 siblings can hide their violent tempers around others but all beasts show their true colours eventually right??

Maybe I will get my wish and they will rot in jail in the future, one can only hope....

As then the cycle of abuse will finally be over.

They both have this weird entitlement ego where they have to control us and get their way.

If not anger and chaos ensue and I've had enough, for me and Mama, we deserve better.

Only prison or death will make it stop!

This has been circling through my head for a bit and I realised why.

Mama said the younger sibling has wished I was dead before and initially I was taken aback but then I thought, the feeling is mutual.

The reason he wants me gone as I am the lil birdie on Mama's shoulder saying, don't put up with this, say No, cut him off or ignore him for a bit when he's swearing at you.

There was a moment where he called from abroad to ask a favour and he kept repeating Oh don't worry I'll be calm and he was mostly.

But always on the verge of snapping. We both knew why he was even-keeled..

It was because he knew I was in the room listening so the audience had him maintaining his cool.

Then she told me the older one used to pull her aside and say speak to her, she's being unfair.....

Ha...... Because I was expressing an independent opinion that differed from your dictatorship????

Yeesh and then Mama just said talk to her yourself and sort it out.

What I realised bugged me about that is those two have no concept of being respectful and agreeable.

If they approached me and said, would you mind doing this? I would be open to it.

But they screamed dangerously and me and Mama always backed down out of fear of the repercussions.

I never had a bloody choice, a bloody say, in anything! I wished she spoke to them and said, you can't always be in control.

You have to learn to work together and compromise but she didn't and sticks up for the older one, who has "changed."

But try disagreeing and see the aggression return full circle. I hate being reminded of my childhood.

Of how this was a daily occurrence and I just withdrew from life and was a walking empty shell.

But life is different now and I have little to no contact with either.

I just don't understand the maliciousness of attacking me and Mama venomously, specifically us but nice as pie, to other women, people, family.

Cursing, insulting, picking on our weaknesses, threatening to harm us?

How do they not feel an ounce of guilt and can carry on doing it routinely?

I can't fathom it but it's Mama I feel sorry for, she has to put up with it regularly.

I hope karma will catch up with them one day and show them what it's like to fear for their lives.

Fear for being outspoken. Fear for disagreeing. Fear for breathing. Fear for walking into a room and fear for being around!!

#BlogLife259 - You killed my last safe space (fiction)

 "I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just feel upset and angry and you wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain. I don't even know how to find the words anymore."

"Please try, for my sake. I didn't mean it.. I lost my temper. I thought I knew best, why wouldn't you fall in line? I know what the right course of action is for you, bend, relent, fall in line.."

"DO WHAT I TELL YOU!"

I step back and begin to shiver. It's getting harder to breathe. The air is being sucked out of the room. I hear you shouting but it's distorted.

I clutch my stomach and want to leave. I feel sick inside. Where has my freewill gone? My freedom to express myself?

I'm trying to escape but I can't move. I feel each muscle in my body tense as you grab me squeezing tightly, viciously shaking out answers that you must hear.

I am gasping for oxygen. My head is spinning, the room is swaying and everything is started to fade away.

I blink rapidly I can't stop. My breathing is slow and laboured. You release your grip and I look up and your eyes are red with rage.

I am afraid of what will happen next. I fall to the ground and hit my head. I have lost my peace, my happiness and my voice.

I thought you had left but I hear footsteps creep closer and you kneel and hate filled words pour out like targeted hits.

I curl up into a tight ball, bringing my knees up and your voice gets louder and even more cruel.

I can't move. I can't make it stop and I can't protect myself. I am stuck.

I need to find a way to get back on my feet again but I can't right now. I'm too visible, too raw, too fractured.

Once I rebuild the walls, then I'll fight you!

#AgonyLife10 - Dear SS Why am I such a bitch/bastard to my volunteer? *Contains strong language* (fictiony)

Firstly I appreciate you owning up to that. It could not have been easy to admit who and what you are to not only moi but the rest of the world.

Secondly isn't that more of a question for you to self reflect over?

I don't know your story and I'm sure your volunteer is trying their best.

You are obviously in need of some support so why would you readily antagonise the one person, trying to be there for you, for free?

This volunteer is not being paid a salary, they are not just there to take your crap to make you feel better.

Their purpose is to give up some of their free time and see if they can make a difference in your life.

They are human beings talking without a script, delving into the unknown.

I'm not saying be smiley and gushy. Be in that valid emotion, angry, sad, happy, whatever but don't dare take your shitty attitude out on someone innocent.

Furthermore. I hate to break it to you, no actually I am loving it. Your life is less than perfect. It is a catastrophe.

Your volunteer's life isn't sunshine and roses either but unlike you, she has real problems and deals with it gracefully.

She helps herself and addresses the issues that arises. She isn't an immature baby that is falling apart.

Think about that, while you are continually shouting abuse and saying No No No...

You don't know what you are talking about, you haven't focused on my calamities.

Newsflash whiny person, the volunteer has.. You are just to self absorbed to realise it.

While you crumple in your stagnant demeanour I am off relaxing and humming to music.

Lastly I actually would have spent however much time you needed hearing you out and offering up some really useful suggestions but you lost out.

Maybe the next person will be better, possibly not. They might just go through the motions.

A lot of them clock watch, 15-20 minutes and say goodbyeeee, me I try to give more. Oh well...... 

Sucks to be you!!! 

Now you'll realise the difference between someone that cares and someone going through the motions. 

Pity it's too late!! 

The funny thing is, it was an easy doable fix, you're just to lazy to do it and prefer to be a dick and throw an adult tantrum!!!

Ps. 

I guess the above is my thoughts swirling inside my head. 

Just because your life, of your own making is a disappointment, don't expect me to play therapist!!

If you are that desperate, seek a genuine psychiatrist, you obviously think you are being short changed.

They won't tolerate your pathetic excuses though.

I was on your side willing to listen and help but what do you do to show your thanks?

You don't show me any respect, don't listen and can't even try to understand how I was trying to assist you.

FUCK OFF!

You are lucky I can't say this to you and I never actually would but not being able to call someone out on their bs is difficult, being someone that has been abused a lot.

The horrendous part of all of this is that after taking your bullshit, the volunteer has to then politely end the conversation.

It's like showing respect to someone monstrous. I hate that part!!!

#BlogLife125 - Dear bully 4/The silent onlooker.. (fictionish) *Mature audiences only*

I put my hand up. Can I say something?

Who said you could look at me, let alone speak? Be quiet until I acknowledge your existence.

I really think I could help. I know things. Maybe you didn't realise th-

*Walks towards me* I cannot physically kill you but I wish you were dead. 

You are pointless and I will remind you every day that whatever you think and feel and realise will make you even more useless and imbecilic to not only me but everyone else and yourself.

*I fold my arms angrily* You're wrong! I have significance in this world and my contributions are worthwhile.

You probably didn't hear me so I will repeat myself. You possess no importance at all. 

When we are outside, stay away from me and do not let anyone know we are related in any shape or form.

*Applauds softly* Thank you, finally you said something we can agree on. 

I now despise you as much as you hate me. I would never wish you on anyone and hope you expire alone!

You are part of the reason for my fear of men and people. You made it so that I couldn't speak. 

Everything was internal. I looked but I didn't dare talk.

I wasn't allowed to discover life or who I was. I just had to curse myself for being born into this life of dread.

Don't speak

Don't smile

Don't be happy

Don't be sure of yourself

Don't engage

Don't let your guard down

Run away

Find safety

Find help

Resign yourself to being around atrocities

Keep trying to exit gracefully, it has to eventually work..... If the pills don't do it, the knife will. If that isn't successful, starvation will.

People try to make friends with me but I can't speak. I don't know how to communicate.

Part of me thinks that I wish you had murdered me, the way you annihilated my soul. I mean that would have been over and done with.

But instead each day was verbal torture. People kept asking if I was being abused at home but it wasn't physical, so that was acceptable?!

That's normal? Being verbally abused every day is routine, right? Is it something to shrug off and deal with? 

Except I couldn't. So here is my voice. Here are my actions and words and answers.

I wish you were permanently gone so I never have to hear your name again or that you had suffered the same fate you put me through. 

Hate doesn't begin to cover it all. You made my life full of danger.

You bashed in all my belief in myself.

You struck me psychologically with the words..... *SHUT UP* at every interval in which I attempted some form of expression.

You hunted me for sport and made me think I would be beaten up regularly.

You hammered in the same phrases. Your efforts are for nothing and I will turn everyone against you.

Outside you smiled, were well mannered and joked around. 

People always remarked, wow, what a wonderful person, you are so lucky to have him around.

He isn't here? Awww I miss him. How is he doing?

This is what I wanted to say. You are all gullible idiots who are falling for his act. 

Yet me, who is trying my best to fit and be one of you lot is outcast as intolerable.

The reason why?? I have zero conviction in myself. I can't share, I can't let you in and be normal. 

I can't be smiley and carefree because I live at home with destruction.

I loathe him and all of you for not seeing behind his mask of duplicity. You see what you want to see. Hear what you prefer too.

This is why I disappeared. If you can't tell the difference between fake and genuine and that I am the wholesome party, then you are as dead to me as he is.

Anything else is just gossip for everyone to laugh at. The rage and disgust I feel for you is limitless. 

My life was locking myself in my room and sobbing, that was it and wanting to not be here or anywhere.

Do you get it yet? Do you comprehend now why I have to be safe at all times? 

Why I can never give out my address? Why I could never again go back to being hounded like prey??

I have had enough emotional kicks and being stomped on. Yet it never goes away. 

It lives and breathes in my mind. That is what pernicious does, it lingers.....

It should fade but it just get's stronger because I was never seen, the real me was never sought out and loved. 

I continue to search for her...

#BlogLife103 - Emotional/Physical pain threshold

I am due to return back home sometime tomorrow (Sunday). Talking to my mama, reminiscing about life is always a strange concept because she rarely admits how paralysing her behaviour was/is.

We discussed passed acquaintances and family who saw us as beneath them. Yet she still wouldn't admit she was wrong when she made me forgive those that harassed me to such a point I retreated inwards.

She readily confessed that she herself was handled poorly by people but hasn't learned that she was guilty of doing that to me and still does it.

I was hoping she would finally realise her mistake that she shouldn't be constantly waiting for me to make an error so she can jump on me and berate me over and over for it.

I'm happy to admit it and rectify it, I just don't need every flaw thrown back in my face. I wish she would see that standing up for oneself is justified.

Does Christianity mean you have to be a doormat? Even before she was religious, she didn't stand up for herself at all so her lesson for me, was...

Let me destroy your belief in yourself and allow everybody else to do it also without any arguments or interruptions or any way to counter their points.

Hang around those destructive people because they are family and they deserve your affection and kindness and you cannot ever say anything mean or refuse to talk to them.

This is why I don't like people. Even after having matured and my confidence spiked upwards, there are still judgements and kernels of hate towards me.

I saw it a lot from family, to relatives, to close friends whose inequality I was supposed to accept and be grateful that I got any attention from.

I saw it from men that tried to control me and take over my mind. They wanted me to devote myself to them even though they were cheating or saying I don't want to commit to you but I demand all your time.

I have someone else in my life, girlfriend/wife/fiance/interchangeable women.. Oh you didn't know?

Well now you do and I prioritise them over you, even though I don't really care about them but to me, you are still not someone I can show affection for. 

Don't you think you should dress better? Try to impress me, even though I don't take you anywhere special? Don't you think you should wear makeup because your skin isn't perfect?

Don't you think you should weigh less because my last girlfriend was really slim and she looked better than you do. I'll tell you what, I'll help you and if I see you eating something I don't approve of, I'll forbid you and make you feel bad.

I mean it was that kind of thing, being attacked from all sides. As for the physical side of my symptoms. I know that bending will keep letting the pain build up until my back locks up.

I know that not sleeping or taking naps will make the pain increase earlier in the day. I know that by staying in a sitting position, the pain spreads more easily.

I do know that for the last couple of days I managed to get a couple hours of sleep at least, so no pain at the moment, just bloatedness and slight irritability.

I get mama easy convenient gadgets for the home and she always dismisses them but then I turn around and she has bought something more complicated and I struggle to use it.

It annoys me frankly. I thought the whiskey stones would be cute and simple because every time I come here, the drinks are warm.

It is basically rocks that you keep in the freezer and keep your drinks cool without diluting them, they don't contain alcohol.

They are just aimed at alcohol drinkers who don't want their booze watered down. They were okay but took ages to get cold and didn't work as well as I had hoped.

She gave them away so I thought okay, I'll just give her, the easiest ice tray possible, big chunky blocks which don't need prying out....

She said No. I don't have any use for that. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Now she has got the most awkward ice tray ever, with the tiniest cubes that get stuck.

I cannot even open it or get the ice out. It makes me feel weak but using that, strains my hands. 

She over buys food and keeps the fridge and freezer stocked to the brim but anytime I open something she complains it isn't immediately consumed.

I want to scream, what is wrong with you? She wouldn't dare do this to anyone else, that is why she bugs me but tomorrow I shall go home to my empty cupboards and fridge/freezer and later on have an Iceland order appear......

Bliss, no headaches. I know it's her place and I am grateful for hanging out but I am physically/emotionally raw. I want to go back home to my safe place where there are no more attacks.

Goodbye for now emotional abuser. I won't miss you as much as I once did because you continue to make me feel demoralised, unlovable and insignificant as a human being.

I realised last night that you continue to praise and defend those that made me feel disrespected and you see no issue with that whatsoever.

But me, you are quick to harp on about my failings and shortcomings to further let me sink in despair. I'm just content with being sarcastic back to you because you are content with talking over me and making me feel I should stay quiet.

You never listen and yet, you always demand to be heard. I guess you will miss out on the highlights of my life because it seems a waste of time to share anything real.

Your loss because I am a wonderful, decent, kind and special person.

Toodles Mama..