#BlogLife991 - Merry Spoofmas :)

So I feel a lot silly at the moment, maybe because I'm doing something for me and treating myself like a Queen.

I have a fair bit of pain, cleavage hurts, hands hurt, wrists hurt but this weightlessness overrides that.

Do you remember being a kid at Christmas and how exciting it all seemed?

Waking up at 6am and trying to wake your family up so you could dash down the stairs and shake the gifts, ripping them open, half asleep, not even sure if they were actually yours but being too giddy to care..

Today I woke up at 8amish. not exactly joyous but calmer than I've felt in a long while.

I was tired and hoping to get more sleep but I felt cosy, being in my own bed, my own surroundings and not having to put a fake cheery smile on, it was glorious.

I stayed in bed until 10/11amish and was just thinking about the stories and blog and I know if I had been away, there is no chance I would be in the mood to compose anything.

This is the day, where it's normal to spend it in your pjs. Where you can have anything for breakfast, even cookies or chocolate..

The rules go out of the window. I don't feel hungry but I do feel really cold.

I'm out of all the sweet treats, except for fruit pastilles. My stomach is grumbling for food but I'm indifferent.

If I was to do an SS Christmas speech, what would I say??

Merry Christmas loyal subjects and readers..

How are you all doing? Have you freshened up? Or do you look a mess with unkempt hair and no makeup?

I myself am immaculately put together. Definitely no bed hair or bags under my eyes..

I've been up for hours, bossing servants around and demanding alsorts, it's a tiresome job, but someone has to do it.

Today is about frivolity and not lifting a finger, well unless you reside alone, in which case, get on with it and stop procrastinating..

What did you get for Christmas?

For me it was the same ol same ol... Jewels, Castles, A couple of new countries, marriage proposals....

The usual malarky, being royal can be taxing and now it's time for my nap.

Who wants to fluff my pillows and serenade me with Bugs Bunny Opera tunes?

#LetterLife1 - Dear Monsieur Wrong

Dear Monsieur Wrong,

I know Monsieur Right doesn't exist, so maybe you do? I wanted to write some fiction today.

But I think I need to talk or vent or ask questions or get answers from someone other than myself.

I did open up all the unfinished stories on the blog, one by one and thought, which one should I work on?

I don't really have ideas. Should I just compose nonsense and hope it works out?

I've got asmr playing in the background. I've got 2 films open. I'm scattered. I can't focus at all.

There's a new story playing in my head but all seems similar to the others.

I want to let go, jump on a story and finish it but knowing that I'm not just going through the motions, that I care about it and am inspired and have confidence that it will turn out well.

I feel none of that. I'm stuck, I want romance, I want to write romance, I just don't feel particularly romantic and don't want to talk or mingle at all.

So help me out. What's your recommendations? How do I fix me?

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

I exist solely for you. To be in your company and to help and guide and support you, whenever you need it,

Why do you need to do anything right now? You have enough pressure in your life.

But I sense that is where your passions lie and I am all about the passions.

Just reach for my hand, let me pull you close and I will work with you to solve this small problem.

For you see, with me around, everything will be seen with fresh eyes, fresh smiles, fresh convictions and a fresh suitor, oui oui?

That's it Cherie, smile for me, gush for me, fall for me, let your troubles melt away.

I want you to think about your last story, how did you feel when it was completed, my sweet capable Cherie?

Dearest Monsieur, 

I felt relieved actually. It was the story I challenged myself to write and publish in a day and I didn't think I could do it.

I was blank for ages until certain pieces floated into my brain and it pieced together and started to flow.

And suddenly, it was just bubbling and I was getting emotional writing it.

I was pleased with how it turned out. I accomplished that goal for the milestone blog.

But now this emptiness is back and I feel alone and although, that's my preferred spot..

I want someone but I don't want them. I want to be alone and comforted at the same time.

I want to be looked after but not intruded upon. That's it really.

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

Look at me Cherie, I know what you want and need and what is best.

And simply speaking it is me. I am everything you crave and everything you didn't.

I am perfect but also littered with flaws. You can make me into anything you want.

But I do not change for anyone, not even you my precious. 

I am a tireless listener though, but I am all about the action, so we must always be actively joined together, being productive.

But sometimes I can't be bothered with the writey writey talky talky, so in those times, we do the kissy kissy ;)

Dearest Monsieur, 

It is getting late but you have made me laugh a lot tonight and I appreciate the cheesiness of the conversation.

I think for now, you did provide what I needed and that was some lightheartedness.

It's a good start. I feel less stressed and a lot silly.

Thank you and Goodnight Monsieur.

Dearest Mademoiselle,

I will do anything for you at any time, day or night. Ma chambre is always open.

Sleep well Cherie but not too deeply in case I need a hug tonight.

I will remind you that you have it in you to create magic on a page, the next time you feel lost and alone.

Dream of me, your handsome caregiver

X

#SpoofLife1 - Maltesers Headquarters Meeting

"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to our weekly sit down session.

Our own Malteser branded hot chocolate and biscuits are at the back, no outside snacks please.

We need some ideas on a new flavour, Cadbury's, Ferreros swan around like they own the place and is always doing exciting mix ups and we want to smash the competition.

So come on, some of you must have some ideas. You at the back, stop stuffing your face on company time."

*Raises hand* "Yes what it is, speak up." 

"Have you considered white and dark versions?"

"You nitwit, that's already in production, don't you read the company newsletter?"

*Raises hand timidly* "Yess? And this better be good or we are cancelling the trip to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory."

"Umm how about mint flavoured?" 

"Hmm, well everyone is doing that already, it's not exactly unique, we would just be copying everyone else."

"So it seems but ours would have a unique twist." 

"Oh Yea and what is that then?"

"Mouthwash flavour!" 

"Have you lost your senses?? We want to entice people, not drive them away."

"Look, think about, everyone has cornered the market on the sweet minty dessert flavour, what if we did the opposite and made it tart instead?"

"It would be unexpected. It would be a shock to the senses. It would be unique."

"People would tell their friends and family and they would try it."

"Mouthwash though....... You don't think it would put them off our range entirely?"

"Nooooo they would grow to love it and never have to brush afterwards.

We could market it like this.....

New and improved Maltesers, the fresh minty chocolate, that sweetens your smile and cleans your breath.

You never have to gargle again."

"My word you're a genius, we will steal all the mouthwash customers and turn them into Teser consumers.

Crikey all the gum manufacturers will be out of business too. 

Now if we could just make nicotine family friendly, we could take over the universe....."

#BlogLife423 - Call Spoof *Congratulations you're a writer*

"Howdy Dollface, welcome to WeFixYou! 

How can my expertise serve you this fine Christmas morning?" 

"Hey, erm I got this email saying I won something."

"Wowee congratulations sweetheart, you must be one of those smart chicky's huh?"

"My name isn't sweetheart or chicky, it's Nom Nom Sulgati Vonamunan."

"I beg your pardon Na Na Chapati Phenomenon." 

"What did you just call me? Look forget my name, please tell me what I won?"

"I'm sorry Mrs NeNe Charity Fashion but I've just looked up the details and you haven't won anything.

Could you please stop impersonating the legitimate winner..

Aka Nom Nom Sulgati Vonamunan!"

"But that's me you twit!" 

"I beg to differ Mrs.. *mumbles name incoherently*

Calm yourself. There is a simple way to resolve this.

What is your Instagram handle?"

"It's VeVe."

"ReeRee? Nope. Ohhhh VeVe? Well done you're our Grand Prize Winner.

Blimey you took your time responding, we messaged you an hour ago.

Anyway here is the details. You'll shortly be receiving an email with a whopping 6% discount.

A 3 pack of screwdrivers. A bottle of anti freeze and a car air freshener. 

When are you coming down to collect these beauties and put your party dress on, there will be photo's taken.

Hello? Mrs NoNo Pilate Marathon? Pftt some people have no class!"

*** I wrote this Spoof while chuckling away at my daft humour because I wanted to find a special way to tell you I just won an advent competition and a phone prize!!

I'm still in shock. I thought it was a mistake or scam but I claimed and it seems legitimate. 

I think I'm just so used to all those fake winning notifications that it took me some investigating and a while to process it.

Secondly my name was always mispronounced and half the time it kinda made me laugh and other times it irritated me.

Due to the fact, it seems simple to me, just break up the syllables and say it that way, easy.

I thought I would make something ridiculous up to give you festive cheer for the holidays.

Plus I haven't written one for agesss.

#BlogLife157 - A different kind of listener (call spoof 4)

Hey whoever the hell you are. Welcome to Truth Hurts. This isn't the softly sweetie gentle approach. This is direct and to the point.

Yes, yes I am aware.

Well, what are you waiting for? Spit it out, I haven't got all day!!

Depressed but not depressed. Fix me.

What kind of nonsensical idiotic statement was that? Either start making sense or I will charge you triple.

You thought this was a free service trial? You got bamboozled. I have your credit card details and will authorise a quadruple payment for wasting my time!!

Ummmmmm...

Keep playing with me and I'll bankrupt you!

Yeeesh calm down. Alright here goes. Well I am seeing this girl but not seeing her.

Explain in detail or so help me, in the name of Axe Murderers everywhere, I will hunt you down or reach through this telephone and strangle you!!

I mean, well I was kinda, sorta, in a way seeing her mostly at night. She just seemed to appear wherever I was and then, well now it's been 16 and a half evenings and nothing.

She was stalking you??? (Pfft yea right, as if you are some prized hunk of beefcake)! 

Hmm? No I didn't say anything like that...

I feel sad and stuff. I close my eyes and rest my head and curl up and I don't see her in my dreams anymore. I was going to propose and everything........

WHAT!!! She isn't even real you twit. She is imaginary. I am going to murder you in your sleep now.

Arghhhhhhhhhh mummy. Help!! This mad woman on the phone is trying to kill me. Arghhhhhh.

Wait. Oh yea, she really isn't real. Thanks I don't feel so bad anymore. Can I give you my address so you can give me a refund?

Okay, that seems plausible. It's 169 Blood Splatter Road, Murder Way, Texas.

Hello? Are you still there?? Hmm, she hung up..

#BlogLife82 - Revenge (call spoof 3) mature audiences only

Good afternoon madam. I need your limitless, undivided attention today.

I am available. How can I be there for you?

Well my hot chicky apple crumble pie. Now you are talking, aren't you?

Excuse me?

My name is Chris but you can call me lov-

Whoa. Hold your horses. I mean't be there for your emotionally.

Oh my delicious pudding. You can be there for me emotionally, physically, standing, sitt-

I think you have the wrong impression.

No I don't. You all but threw yourself at me. Are you really insatiable?

I will just clarif-

Listen babe. You feel the same strong magnetic attraction as I do. What are your vital statistics? What are you doing after work?

Look Sir. Are you having a hard time?

Sir? Ooooh that is so kinky. Yes yes yes! So hard but I think we should discuss that in person, you never know who is listening...

I really wish you would refrain from profanity and flirting.

Listen dumpling buns. I wasn't flirting I am genuinely in discomfort with this monster......

Ok that is it. I have tried to offer you support but no more. I am reporting you for being inappropriate and mis-using this service.

Wait sugar hips, does this mean you aren't going to call me??? My number is 0-

I disconnect the call abruptly!!!

#BlogLife56 - Mastermind spoof

"I've started so.." Hold on a second, why wouldn't you continue asking a question that has been partially asked? Just seems like common sense to me.

This was from a popular british television quiz show. His catchphrase was "I've started so I'll finish." Even though the buzzer rang out indicating the timer was up.

Are you ready to be put in the hot seat? Erm no, it isn't actually hot, that is another phrase.. (Oh boy this is going to be a long night).

Q1. I'll start with something easy as you are new. Imagine you are in a room that is filling up with water quickly. There are no windows or doors. How do you escape?

A) Hey. I thought you said these were going to be easy. I'm scratching my head.

B) Huh? Where are the multiple choice answers? I always pick A because that is my favourite letter and my name starts with-

Alright. I don't need to hear you life story. Stop flirting with me. I am a professional. By the way to get to my dressing room, turn left, then right, then another right.

Q2. What gets sharper the more you use it?

A) Wait wait wait. I know this one. Where is the buzzer. I actually know this one. It is a pencil.

B) Candidate A needs to take a long walk off a short pier. The correct answer is my temper! Now ask me something easy!!

Sighs. Whoever picked dumb and dumber is fired! What do you mean I am no longer your favourite Quizmistress? :o Take that back!

What are my hobbies? Noone has ever asked me that before..

I want to someday take over the world and make sure everyone owns the entire boxset of Garfield and only eats lasagne morning, noon and night.

What do you mean that is a terrible answer?? Look who is asking the questions me or you? 

That is outrageous! A mime would not make a better hostess then me!

#BlogLife52 - I'm not a flirt! (Call spoof 2)

Hello sexy are you there?

Excuse me Sir, what did you just refer to me as?

Sexy. You should be flattered that is a compliment. I made your day right? C'mon admit it!

Ahem. Please kindly refrain from using that language when addressing me. I am not here to flirt or date. I am here to listen and offer guidance, if need be.

I know. I know. I know. Listen chicky. Don't get your t-shirt in a bunch. It is just the way I talk, alright? I know this isn't a dating/flirting app.

I am very relieved to hear that you are aware of the intended purpose. I would be content if you stuck to respectful dialogue that made me feel comfortable.

*Sighs* As you wish. I'm sorry that you were offended by my friendly tone. From now on I shall behave, happy?

Thank you. That is all I ask. How can I assist you today?

Thanks for asking dollface. By the way lambchop, where are you from? How old are you? Are you single?

Sir. I am going to insist on asserting some boundaries. As I have said before, my purpose is to be there for someone in need.

All you are doing is flirting. I apologise if you are really in need of counsel but heed my warning and act accordingly. Thank you.

Whoa whoa whoa. Where did the hostility come from? I just think we would make a cute couple and have adorable babies.

I am not doing anything untoward. You are overreacting. Just hear me out. I am 35 year old hot tottie. 

Toned, gorgeous. My own bachelor pad, soon to include you in it, if you loosen up my soon-to-be-wifey.

I will sadly be off then, if you don't want to be my honey bunny *sniffles*

Clearly we are at cross purposes here. Feel free to request someone else to talk to but I will end this chat now.

**Just to point out these are all crazy spoofs. None of these are actual conversations. I take confidentiality seriously.

I just need an outlet of revenge against the people who frustrate, annoy the hell out of me and make me bite my tongue :D

#BlogLife 43 - Call spoof

 Hello, can you hear me?

Yes I'm right here and ready to support you.

Hey, are you still there?

Can you not hear me? I responded and said I was available for you :)

Oh sorry. I heard something vague but my volume was low and I can't be bothered to raise it. Can't you just shout instead?

I'm sorry. I can't do that. This service is all about discretion and confidentiality. I need to maintain that.

Hmm. You seem quite uncooperative mademoiselle. 

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just trying to serve you the best way I know how.

Serve me? Serve me? SERVE ME? Listen chicky, we are not at a restaurant. You are not my waitress, got it?

I humbly apologise. Let me rephrase that immediately. What I mean't to say is that. I am ready to listen and be there for you.

That's better. You should have said that in the first place. What is this amateur hour?

Right. I'll start with the sweet and sour chicken and then I'-

Excuse the interruption but are you trying to make a food service order?

Don't interrupt. Now where was I? Oh yea, I'll have some of that boiled rice with egg and vegetables.

Egg fried rice?

Quit distracting me. I'm starving. Oh I'll have that drink that tastes citrusy. You know orangey. What is it called? 

Fanta?? 

No you are wrong. It's called Lilt. Honestly, for a server, you are completely inept.

*Takes a deep calming breath* First of all I am not a waitress/server. Secondly this is not a fast food restaurant. Thirdly this is a helpline for people who need a sympathetic ear.

Pfft. I know your game. Even though the number I dialled looks different than it normally does. 

I bet you are on a break and don't want to help. Helpline. Pfft. No help to me. 

This is the last time, you are getting my business and to think I was going to increase my tip from my usual 5p to 10p.

You can forget it!

*Call disconnects abruptly*

Ad spoof blogging group

Take a seat, make yourself comfortable. The feature you are about to see is no joke. 

It was carefully crafted from the mind that brought you.....

Fancy an m&m?

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/10/fancy-m-fiction.html

Quirky TLC

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/02/relaxing-ish-scenario.html

The slapping method

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-slapping-method.html

I am inviting you to be the first to get involved from the ground upwards in this revolutionary new group called......

The people side to blogging.

Yes you heard that correctly. The people side to blogging. What a name huh? 

Just makes you feel all warm and toasty, like you wanna reach out and hug somebody and then persuade them to drop the restraining order and snuggle them again!

*Cheesy laughter*

There are no fees. Yes folks, I repeat, no costs to joining this 100% free group. It has zero members. I said zero. You will be the first. 

The absolute first, feeling ever so self conscious, like you were dragged here. Kicking and screaming. 

There will be no posts. No adverts. No obligations. 

All you have to do is sign here and give away your name, email and blog address.

You will also be required to agree to the following terms and conditions and failure to do so will result in severe repercussions!!

I will destroy your reputation, spam your blog and uninvite you to Friday Fun Night. 

A whole Friday of delights between you and whoever is crazy enough to sign up to this absolute chummy, warm, feelgood, uncreepy, genuine group.

We have chats and not just any conversations folks. I mean about feelings, competitiveness, writers block and wondering if you even belong.

Yes. That is right. We cover everything in this dynamic. All we ask is that you sign over the deed to your house, leave us in your will and recommend us to ten of your friends.

Ps.

Under no circumstances are you ever allowed to ask fellow members to subscribe or comment to your blogs or I will mercilessly hunt you down and confiscate your Easter eggs!

I will only permit you to share your links and ask for advice, not about making money or being the best that you can be but about whether you are going in the right direction or noticed any quirks to be addressed.

Don't delay, be a sucker today :D