#BlogLife157 - A different kind of listener (call spoof 4)

Hey whoever the hell you are. Welcome to Truth Hurts. This isn't the softly sweetie gentle approach. This is direct and to the point.

Yes, yes I am aware.

Well, what are you waiting for? Spit it out, I haven't got all day!!

Depressed but not depressed. Fix me.

What kind of nonsensical idiotic statement was that? Either start making sense or I will charge you triple.

You thought this was a free service trial? You got bamboozled. I have your credit card details and will authorise a quadruple payment for wasting my time!!

Ummmmmm...

Keep playing with me and I'll bankrupt you!

Yeeesh calm down. Alright here goes. Well I am seeing this girl but not seeing her.

Explain in detail or so help me, in the name of Axe Murderers everywhere, I will hunt you down or reach through this telephone and strangle you!!

I mean, well I was kinda, sorta, in a way seeing her mostly at night. She just seemed to appear wherever I was and then, well now it's been 16 and a half evenings and nothing.

She was stalking you??? (Pfft yea right, as if you are some prized hunk of beefcake)! 

Hmm? No I didn't say anything like that...

I feel sad and stuff. I close my eyes and rest my head and curl up and I don't see her in my dreams anymore. I was going to propose and everything........

WHAT!!! She isn't even real you twit. She is imaginary. I am going to murder you in your sleep now.

Arghhhhhhhhhh mummy. Help!! This mad woman on the phone is trying to kill me. Arghhhhhh.

Wait. Oh yea, she really isn't real. Thanks I don't feel so bad anymore. Can I give you my address so you can give me a refund?

Okay, that seems plausible. It's 169 Blood Splatter Road, Murder Way, Texas.

Hello? Are you still there?? Hmm, she hung up..

#BlogLife139 - I just called to say.... (fiction)

Hey, how are you doing? I know its been a while right? Sorry life is just super busy at the moment.

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been. I was just thinking of you and you called. Everything is mostly fine you know. 

Just some aches here and there and stress. Same ol same ol. Nothing changes that much to be fair. What's new with you? How have you been? 

Sorry to hear about the pains but you sound in good spirits. I'm good too just trying to get more organised and fit more into my days. 

You know I love to keep busy right but please do forgive me for not getting back to you right away. I just get distracted easily.

Anyway I was wondering if you needed anything or wanted anything? I know I know, you're independent and can manage but sometimes, you can just ask.

It's not a burden, it's friendship.

Hah! You are so right. Okay you can stop the gloating. I'm sure I have said that many times prior to this moment. I really do appreciate you asking.

Not many do. However I seem to manage just fine and anything else just doesn't seem like a priority. It feels like if I can't quite get it/do it.

Then it's unnecessary for me to have or I will just find an alternative route. Either way it's doable if important and if it isn't then I guess I am not to fussed.

To be honest maybe you like to feel needed and relied upon, maybe that is your way of giving back and showing love but to me, no offence.

I don't wait for the opportunity to step in when there is a crisis. I just volunteer my services continually and be there in whatever capacity is needed.

I'm not saying you're only there for the bad times. I think you should just get rid of your hero complex because the only thing I need is your presence around.

That is the biggest, well only gift that is precious to me. Everything else I need to sort it out for myself. That is how I maintain my strength.

*Puts my arms around you for a tight bear hug* 

You are a kind hearted person. You know that. Just try to be there for the lil moments as well as the big ones.

Plus don't try to fix everything, some things/people are not broken. They are just fractured and don't need help as such. They need an ear, some support and for someone to be there.

Ha time permitting, of course of course ;)

#BlogLife133 - A rendezvous with A!

Last night I went to bed at 4.20am why so late, you enquire? Nosey aren't we? :D

Well I got chatting to one of the many randoms. This one is fairly new. A let's call him. I don't know what bizarre time we started, maybe 10pmish.

It was comfortable. Fun, amusing and non taxing. Time flew by and then it was extremely late. Half 2 in the morning. I think we were exhausted but yet unable to say goodbye/goodnight..

So I think we danced around the idea of a quick call. I don't know how long that went on... But before we knew it. We migrated to the phone at 2.30ish. Very crazy. It made no earthly sense. 

However I wondered what he sounded like. I'm voiceist. I need someone smooth in my ear. That is going to make me cosy and help me to sleep.

Except sleep usually evaporates and I get more animated but we were both talking softly. His voice wasn't deep but it was pleasant.

I don't think I'll ever find my perfect voice companion. There was only ever one time it happened but he was in a complicated setup.

Not quite disentangled from his ex and he used recreational drugs just out of the blue, like he was chewing gum and that was a huge turn off.

I am anti drugs, except for medical reasons. He was sweet in his own way. I think we were talking late or I was reading and he offered to give me a morning wake up call.

I was soooo out of it. I picked up the phone thinking I was switching off the alarm and he was so cheery, saying here you go as promised.

I got you up so you wouldn't be late and I was like huh, you aren't my alarm bahaha. I think he was a lil insulted but we patched things up.

#BlogLife82 - Revenge (call spoof 3) mature audiences only

Good afternoon madam. I need your limitless, undivided attention today.

I am available. How can I be there for you?

Well my hot chicky apple crumble pie. Now you are talking, aren't you?

Excuse me?

My name is Chris but you can call me lov-

Whoa. Hold your horses. I mean't be there for your emotionally.

Oh my delicious pudding. You can be there for me emotionally, physically, standing, sitt-

I think you have the wrong impression.

No I don't. You all but threw yourself at me. Are you really insatiable?

I will just clarif-

Listen babe. You feel the same strong magnetic attraction as I do. What are your vital statistics? What are you doing after work?

Look Sir. Are you having a hard time?

Sir? Ooooh that is so kinky. Yes yes yes! So hard but I think we should discuss that in person, you never know who is listening...

I really wish you would refrain from profanity and flirting.

Listen dumpling buns. I wasn't flirting I am genuinely in discomfort with this monster......

Ok that is it. I have tried to offer you support but no more. I am reporting you for being inappropriate and mis-using this service.

Wait sugar hips, does this mean you aren't going to call me??? My number is 0-

I disconnect the call abruptly!!!

#BlogLife52 - I'm not a flirt! (Call spoof 2)

Hello sexy are you there?

Excuse me Sir, what did you just refer to me as?

Sexy. You should be flattered that is a compliment. I made your day right? C'mon admit it!

Ahem. Please kindly refrain from using that language when addressing me. I am not here to flirt or date. I am here to listen and offer guidance, if need be.

I know. I know. I know. Listen chicky. Don't get your t-shirt in a bunch. It is just the way I talk, alright? I know this isn't a dating/flirting app.

I am very relieved to hear that you are aware of the intended purpose. I would be content if you stuck to respectful dialogue that made me feel comfortable.

*Sighs* As you wish. I'm sorry that you were offended by my friendly tone. From now on I shall behave, happy?

Thank you. That is all I ask. How can I assist you today?

Thanks for asking dollface. By the way lambchop, where are you from? How old are you? Are you single?

Sir. I am going to insist on asserting some boundaries. As I have said before, my purpose is to be there for someone in need.

All you are doing is flirting. I apologise if you are really in need of counsel but heed my warning and act accordingly. Thank you.

Whoa whoa whoa. Where did the hostility come from? I just think we would make a cute couple and have adorable babies.

I am not doing anything untoward. You are overreacting. Just hear me out. I am 35 year old hot tottie. 

Toned, gorgeous. My own bachelor pad, soon to include you in it, if you loosen up my soon-to-be-wifey.

I will sadly be off then, if you don't want to be my honey bunny *sniffles*

Clearly we are at cross purposes here. Feel free to request someone else to talk to but I will end this chat now.

**Just to point out these are all crazy spoofs. None of these are actual conversations. I take confidentiality seriously.

I just need an outlet of revenge against the people who frustrate, annoy the hell out of me and make me bite my tongue :D

#BlogLife 43 - Call spoof

 Hello, can you hear me?

Yes I'm right here and ready to support you.

Hey, are you still there?

Can you not hear me? I responded and said I was available for you :)

Oh sorry. I heard something vague but my volume was low and I can't be bothered to raise it. Can't you just shout instead?

I'm sorry. I can't do that. This service is all about discretion and confidentiality. I need to maintain that.

Hmm. You seem quite uncooperative mademoiselle. 

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just trying to serve you the best way I know how.

Serve me? Serve me? SERVE ME? Listen chicky, we are not at a restaurant. You are not my waitress, got it?

I humbly apologise. Let me rephrase that immediately. What I mean't to say is that. I am ready to listen and be there for you.

That's better. You should have said that in the first place. What is this amateur hour?

Right. I'll start with the sweet and sour chicken and then I'-

Excuse the interruption but are you trying to make a food service order?

Don't interrupt. Now where was I? Oh yea, I'll have some of that boiled rice with egg and vegetables.

Egg fried rice?

Quit distracting me. I'm starving. Oh I'll have that drink that tastes citrusy. You know orangey. What is it called? 

Fanta?? 

No you are wrong. It's called Lilt. Honestly, for a server, you are completely inept.

*Takes a deep calming breath* First of all I am not a waitress/server. Secondly this is not a fast food restaurant. Thirdly this is a helpline for people who need a sympathetic ear.

Pfft. I know your game. Even though the number I dialled looks different than it normally does. 

I bet you are on a break and don't want to help. Helpline. Pfft. No help to me. 

This is the last time, you are getting my business and to think I was going to increase my tip from my usual 5p to 10p.

You can forget it!

*Call disconnects abruptly*