#BlogLife695 - Dear Future Ex boyfriends

This isn't a story more like a personal overshare.

I'm not even sure I'll post this one but we shall see once it's done.

It's now 12.50am and I'm in bed not sleepy but tired from the day.

I was hoping to click my brain off but it's chattering away so no chance of that.

I was watching The Oval and shaking my head and laughing and then I thought let's read something mature.

But then I recalled there's an audio option so I circled through some voices that I just disliked and found an expressive one that was detailed an animated.

But the more I listened, the more numb and disconnected I felt.

Maybe it was too realistic or maybe I am just not comfortable around intimacy.

Instead I was impressed at his brave storytelling, the way he captured his audience.

Something I feel I fail to do frequently. I like my writing voice but I'm not sure I feel 100% free to express everything I need too.

I just felt like, even though its highly unlikely I'll find a companion. 

I wanted to just say a few things incase I can't vocalise it.

This is for you.. New cosy stranger..

We've either just started dating or it's been a short while and you're beginning to ask me.. 

Why I act the way I do?

Why do I always seem nervous?

Why do I appear distant, as though I don't care?

Why won't I divulge what's truthfully on my mind..?

As I pull up the covers on this chilly night, I avoid your intense gaze.

I'm stalling as usual, we both sense it.

Where do I even begin? Let's put some or all of it finally out there in the open..

Firstly I've never been a girlfriend so I'm not sure how to behave?!

Secondly I have always struggled with finding my words.

It doesn't appear naturally in public, only in private, when I'm composing.

Thirdly, My love life hasn't been storybook romances..

It's been one unpleasant disaster to the next.

It was never even a lil bit right. It was fabrications, cheating, character assassinations, body judgements and disinterest in every single need that I had.

I am overwhelmed with insecurities and a fierce need to protect myself from everyone, not just you.

Both physically and emotionally.

When I feel safe and if I ever get to the stage where I like you and feel trust could develop..

Only then would I start to let you in at the basic level of who I am internally.

If we've argued and I've uttered.. Fine. Why don't you just cut me out of your life then..

I can live without you and will get over you and I won't look back and I'll block your number and forget you exist.

Well I may or may not mean that.

Pessimistic me, which I love (because my head isn't in the clouds being naive)..

Already predicted this wasn't going to work out, never long-term, always temporary so I'm prepared for it, already.

But if I'm letting you read this, it means that I do have feelings for you.

I'm just not sure if yours are deep enough or if you have the patience to work to understand me fully?

I've never been in love. Never completely let my guard down with anyone.

Never trusted that someone would consistently be there to take care of me.

I'm an independent woman who looks out for myself and is used to surviving alone.

I can't just switch and suddenly run to you with my predicaments.

I need to resolve them solo but eventually hopefully I will turn to you as a sounding board and learn to value your input, without you taking over, demanding answers or trying to fix me.

A concern of mine is being judged for trying to do the best that I can.

It might not be your preference but I would hope that you respect my methods anyway.

My confidence levels vary at any given situation.

I don't like my body but I like my face.

I've been in situations where I haven't been in control and it's been frightening.

A lot has happened to me, my childhood influences, dating, family, friendships..

It's all just completely damaged me permanently. 

There is an abundance of fears and wariness.

I am ill at ease. Always searching for the nearest escape route.

Being alone is a simpler way to live than trying to fit in, to show a softer side that is just bruised and unrecognisable. 

Explaining all this and the rest that transpired does not come close to healing me or making me feel good.

I'm just offering you some insights.

I'm not sure I'm even capable of falling in love or accepting that someone or even you could feel something in return.

This is all a bit much and I'm sure you don't want to hear it.

But I had to say it. Part of me is just unreachable and I can't promise that will ever change.

There are just too many reasons and too many people that have hurt me.

I don't know how to tear the walls down and be me, in front of you.

I don't even how to make a move on you, hug you or kiss you without worrying that you'll turn into an out of control animal who makes me want to disappear and hide.

My body desires affection.

My brain can't handle it, as it demands to be secure and won't risk re-living the past.

I guess this is Goodbye.

I don't know where we would/could possibly go from here?!

I'm only ever free to be myself and accepted when I'm alone without an audience.