#BlogLife818 - Unofficial Goodbye savings and paypal usage

Stress is normal in my life. The Job Centre, DWP, family, the landlord and being ill are the constant attributors.

But if I want to continue writing fiction I have to find a way to cast it aside and relax so that I can unlock the creative juices.

I haven't figured out how to do that. I am trying to deal with things as they crop up. I'm not ignoring it.

But I just feel pulled in different directions, as though I don't have a moment's peace.

Some time, where there's nothing pressing and weighing on me. I don't know why, when as difficult as it is, I finally ask for help and it's skewered.

My patience has run out though and I am making my peace with how things are going to turn out today.

In 5 minutes at 2pm, I will be really depressed as I make that phone call to the witch.

I thought I would join the library online, just in case I need it for the future as queueing up is just so painful.

It's so weird that I didn't even need letter identification, like you do in person.

But the first thing they said was insert your username or borrower name and I thought, ugh you didn't give me either of those.

But I was already logged in and under my profile I saw it and noted it down for future reference.

Anyway what happened with the Paypal thingy, was that no reports came through, I spoke to a new person, explained how drained I was.

He was the first person to mention that sounds like you need it in csv form so I said sure, he was like Oh but DWP doesn't like that, they like pdf.

I said listen it doesn't matter about the download type, she just wants the balance.

Again he sympathised, promised to help and he almost did. Good grief.

He sent the majority for some reason in pdf, and a small fraction, maybe this year in csv, the csv version actually did have the rolling balance.

But I am so tired and I want this over with and if I tell her that, she will make me re-request it and it will drag on.

I can't even relax or sleep properly with this over my head, so I will say sorry it came out the same as the others and she will say.....

That is nowhere near good enough, I'm taking all your Paypal savings and leaving you with nothing but your current account.

Suffer!! Ok enough stalling, let's call and just get it done. I didn't expect that, there was no answer.

 I had to psyche myself up to call because it's not easy parting with just under 6k but I just want this finished for good.

Oh two things I forgot to mention about Monday, for some reason there was a huge dog roaming on the bus and I had a mild panic attack as it was roaming nearby.

Somebody complained though that it wasn't on a leash and the lady halfheartedly called it back but it was right opposite me so I found it hard to breathe and compose myself.

That wasn't good. I've stuck my phone on the charger and will call her again later.

I'm just making some burgers right now, as I haven't eaten all day.

Oh that syrup pastry thing, I compare it to croissants that have been dipped in syrup, sounds odd but it's nice for something obscure and different.

I would get it yearly as some pieces are a lil too sweet but the international store usually sells out of things and doesn't replace them.

I probably won't see them again but it's nice as a treat. I should probably wait to post this until after I've spoken to her.

But really what's the point? We all know how this is going to end, she's been determined from the start to torture me and take what I have.

Everyone I've spoken too, says the same thing, be comforted knowing you've tried your best and she's being unnecessarily difficult.

I was even trying to tell myself last night, to let all this tension go and clear my mind, but it didn't work.

Oh and I spoke to Mama and she said she's borrowing money she can't afford to take the trip in March, which I can't fully understand, leaving yourself short.

But it is to see her Grandchild so that's special, even under the circumstances.

The other thing she mentioned was the underhanded tactics of the survey companies.

Where you get paid a measly amount for filling in surveys to give your opinion.

These companies, seem to hate paying people and find excuses to avoid it and bar good people from their services.

It happened to me, it happened to her. The latest scam is OnePoll.

They blocked her account and said some nonsense about her having multiple profiles and they need photographic evidence, multiple pictures of herself, holding some identification.

Or some crap. She's a pensioner, it's difficult for her to grasp certain things like uploads or downloads.

It's just an excuse not to payout and gather sensitive information, probably to spam her email!!

Disgusting behaviour. Toluna was another one, that didn't payout, but there were a lot of others too.

It put me off them.

Well the phone was charged, I took another deep breath, bit the bullet and called her.

This time she eventually answered and I explained that the report came out the same way, she was surprised and said that she needs to talk to her supervisor.

That they will go through it, she will call me back at some point to discuss what happens next.

Good heavens, I wish she had just said, all of the above, right you're finished, we're taking over your Paypal, it's done.

Now it's more nervous waiting. But again I've done everything possible.

I think this requires a pep talk, so bear with me.

This has been a really scary frustrating time in my life. I've been terrified and overwhelmed and wanting answers.

I've wanted to cry endlessly and curl up into a ball and give up.

I've wanted to pretend it's all going to work out in my favour.

I've wanted to ignore it and wish it was a mistake.

I did deal with it though. I contacted her with updates, I filled in the paperwork,

I went to the library over and over. I spoke to Paypal time and time again.

I really did do everything possible, that she asked and I put up with her shitty attitude.

And yet this whole thing never draws to a close. It just stretches on and on, driving me crazy.

I'm so fed up, I'm sacrificing my savings, rather than dealing with her.

I think I'm way past my breaking point.

Things are not right in my head, there is all this mess so it doesn't feel natural to write fiction.

I think I'm just going to try and push past it and write a sentence or two.

At least I should try.

Stress seems great for the daily blog, not so helpful when it comes to writing feelgood fiction.

How can I write escapism, when I can't escape my mind??