#BlogLife869 - Pranked?

What a peculiar morning I'm having, first the neighbours keep buzzing my outside door but not needing me.

Then I checked my bank, saw the reduced UC payment and called up to pay the rent, well I made up for the lack of service charge and paid it myself.

I realise now why the amounts looked different, whether it was my doing or theirs.. I don't know.

But I added £50 of the arrears to be paid off, included in the amount but then somehow had been adding on another £50+..

Heaven forbid the landlord would say, you're overpaying us. I now know the correct amount, which is £615.52 without the arrears debt.

May is going to be a tight month because afterwards I am left with £200 for groceries and bills and the groceries alone are £200.

Stress, stress, stressied. Anyway I'm gong to cover my own expenses and to hell with UC, that is supposed to help but is screwing me over, again and again.

After I paid the rent and it cleared, they called me back but it was silence and this happened about 3 times, so I just ended the call.

If it's anything major, they have my email, address, text options but it feels like everyone is pranking me.

It's a good job I have savings to fall back on, otherwise the debts would just keep climbing higher.

I am trying to do what's best and give everyone what they are owed but budgeting and re-evaluating it regularly is hard.

Sorry for the lateness I'm ready to wrap up today's blog. Two last things..

I heard back from the penpaller but he's married so not my type to converse with and I just politely ended it and told him that.

Secondly I was gaming to dilute my stress and wasn't having any luck so on the team chat bit..

I wrote something like.. Not having any luck, can anyone spare some, struggling here?

Except instead of luck, I wrote lick.... The chat sorta erupted into laughter.

I might go radio silent for a bit but I did apologise, well I blamed the phone really, bad pervy thing, tut tsk!!

#BogLife868 - Did I just get a new penpal?

I had a bit of a rough night, I just felt really sicky and crampy I think and then my feet were in pain too.

I ended up playing the anti nausea video for what seemed like an hour, but it was probably less.

I was just trying to relax and drift off to sleep, I was exhausted and eventually I did.

Just before that though I randomly decided to check my other email, the protonmail one and it had a new message.

At first I thought it was spam actually, I do get a bit of that, but it was from the site I recently registered with to upload the new story.

I didn't even know they had such a message feature. It was pleasant enough so I just responded but made it clear, I wasn't after romance or picswaps or any of that nonsense.

I guess I'll see if he responds. I'm not invested at this point, there is too much in my head and I still feel off.

Oh and yesterday I did have an odd encounter on the bus. This lady sat next to me and asked what was the deal with my face or hair?

I couldn't really understand her well as I was listening to music but I figured if it was anything, maybe the foundation hadn't been rubbed in properly.

Although thinking about it, that always absorbs readily into my skin anyway, I didn't have any other make up on.

Oh maybe it was the moisturiser? I wasn't too fussed. That doesn't embarrass me. 

I just took my hand and rubbed it into my skin. I normally do check the mirror before leaving but I was running late so no time to spare.

I guess I feel a bit calmer today, sometimes it's better to relinquish trying to fix everything myself and hand it over to someone else that has more experience and knowledge.

It's not a bad thing, it doesn't make me weak or foolish, just proactive.

I don't think I have any volume in my freshly washed hair. I did the oil yesterday and gave myself a relaxing scalp massage to soak it in deep and it is washed out.

It's not greasy, it's currently sticking up. I don't know why it does that to me but it is super soft.

#BlogLife867 - Phone gremlins

It's nothing major but the new phone Samsung A16, is acting up a bit.

I'm having trouble getting it to wake up sometimes. The rss chat messenger thingy that has taken over from regular texting..

Is annoying me a lot. It's making me text myself. I keep getting pop up notifications, to indicate I have a new message....

Hurrah right? Nope, it's texting me my own texts, the ones I've just sent.

Ugh I can't stand it, thinking I have a new response, when it's just my recent ones.

The developer on Google Play Store reacted and said elaborate...

I spelled it out clearly, what is it, you fail to understand? Twits! Just fix the damn issue, instead of claiming ignorance!

I'm basically texting and chatting with myself! Then today the wifi keeps crashing even though it's connected.

I finally had to restart the phone, it seems alright now. I'm trying not to think about it and I sensed it.

Yup, the UC advisor is referring me to a placement thingy, ugh. Full of disrespectful condescending people.

The lifts are always broken and they refuse to acknowledge anyone with health issues.

They perceive us as drama kings/queens who are just making it up, to annoy them, that's how it feels to me.

As though we can click are fingers and suddenly be miraculously able bodied!

It's not happening until next week, I will worry about it then.

Oh I forgot to mention, mini foodie review. I tried out the Jacob's crinklys salt and vinegar snacks, 30% less salt.

It actually does taste healthier but still moreish. It's basically small crisps that are crunchy and ridged.

It's funny with this better version, they've made them denser. I recommend them.

Hmm DL just texted and asked for space. I mean he has been quiet but also chatty so it feels out of the blue.

I didn't want to press him but I had to know if it was permanent, he said not, but I have my doubts.

It feels out of the blue and I do wonder if the real reason is, we've gotten too cosy, texting, calling, semi-regularly and now he's pulling back and distancing himself because it's too much too soon?

Which is what I've been expecting to happen but it didn't but now potentially it has.

I won't chase him, I said my peace. That if he needs anything I'm here and to look after himself and that I would miss him.

It's been 4 days and nothing. I'll probably give him 2 weeks, that seems more than adequate.

It's been half horrendous and half good day. I don't know where I've put my sunglasses and the sun was blinding me today.

The buses were delayed but eventually it arrived and I even got a seat, halfway home.

I have felt really sick all day. I think now it's subsided from sipping sprite and listening to the anti nausea.

I still have some credit on Just Eat and I altogether there was 3 discounts so the food was half price and after today, I need it.

I know I said I wasn't going to order anymore but I was running late for the UC appointment so I couldn't pick up the sandwiches and snacks anyway.

My stomach was so raw and delicate, I feel exhausted. I did get drinks though and some almond cakes for dessert.

I only spent £4 so that's alright. The big big huge news I've saved for last.

My UC advisor said, right we're transitioning you onto the placement today, I'm more in the background, you'll still see me though.

He put me through to a call with the world's quietest sounding woman, I could not hear a word she was saying.

I kept shrugging and looking at my advisor blankly and he was interpreting it.

Then because it was called a different name, I didn't recognise it and she specifically asked, if I've done it before and I clarified and she said Yes that's the one.

So I just said yes I have done it and then she was like Ohh, let me double check.

Oh you are ineligible. (I was dancing in my head). You cannot be placed here a second time.

And I was thinking but I've been referred many times. I don't know if I've done it, once or twice before.

The advisor said sorry she was specifically put on to this, no idea why but let's cancel it, as she doesn't fit the requirements.

I promise I did not smile, but I felt so happy, one less stressful thing in my life.

I have to be brave and sort out the rent thing. I've been putting it off.

Oh good lord, that was a headache. I just realised, the landlord's given me two different rent versions.

So as well as paying the arrears, I've randomly paying extra. What the hell? Crooks!

Anyway I called the landlord to double check the amount, then tried to call UC, no available customer service representatives were free.

I decided to take the plunge and leave a note on there, it timed me out, I have no idea if it got sent or not.

I am so tired, also I have checked April's upcoming payment and no, they didn't include the service charge.

Ughhhh! Why are they such a pain in the ass??? I'm still responsible for paying it, why is it separate from the rent?

Anyway, my food is cold. I did what I could. I'm going to finish up and then munch.

#BlogLife866 - Playroom bullying

It's Easter Monday afternoony and I haven't really done anything productive.

I was going to keep working on the new story but my brain said rest and yet here I am blogging, tut tut.

A few of the randoms are bugging me at the moment, it seems to be the same childish mentality, of Oh she's not doing what I want, let's goad, bully, guilt, humiliate her into our wishes.

First up the phone chat guy, I don't mind the occasional phone conversation because it lets my eyes relax.

This twit, typed out his number, waited until I called on witheld, it went to voicemail and I thought What kinda game is this?

So I said Hey it's gone to voicemail. He said Oh sorry, typed out a different number with at least 2/3 digits that were new.

I told him to Go to hell. If it was a harmless mistake, he would have rushed to tell me before I called, he waited until afterwards.

I even asked if he was ready? Lol! I've done that before, been 1 digit off, but I always double check it's correct before I let them dial.

Second up, is the one who wants to meet, who thinks I'll fall into his bed straight away and we'll be knocking boots instantly.

Pfft, he's not local, he's obsessed with sex and keeps saying do this, do that.

Ugh nothing aggravates me more than someone not listening to my wishes.

I told him I don't do meets and certainly not with someone that lives far away and instead of him saying, I hear you, just thought I would enquire.

He keeps saying Oh what are you afraid of??? I'm thinking, I'm afraid I'm going to punch you in the face.

What's he expecting me to say? Yesss, you're right, I'm deathly fearful of not being able to resist you.

Let me go against my beliefs and meet you. Pfft, yea right. In the end he forced my hand and I had to do the truth hurts thing.

I said You're not my type, that's why I would never meet you. You don't respect my wishes and you nag me soo much.

Third one I don't remember too well as these were over the course of maybe a week or more..

He was like I dare you..... I can't even remember if this was for meets or number swaps but it made me laugh and annoyed me all at the same time.

What am I a child? Are we back at school? Or am I in my forties as a grown woman who expects some maturity in conversations???

I think my retort was Grow up, you're acting childishly and he was all outraged, denying it. Oh sorry one more...

This one was either secretly married or a complete imbecile. First time I called on private number he whispered so quietly I could barely hear him.

He claimed his child was sleeping next door. Hmm, second time, he begged for a second chance.

Maybe I was unoccupied enough, so I thought fineee, then silence, too chicken to share his number, Good grief.

Have you no spine? Yet still everytime he sees me, will message me muttering on.

I don't respect any of the above. They are ways to pass the time but are not keepers.

A keeper type of man is someone confident that doesn't have to brag with words, he exudes it naturally.

A keeper listens, he respects my boundaries and what I am comfy and uncomfy with, he doesn't push, he accepts.

A keeper makes me laugh, whether it's gentle teasing, silly stories or anything really. He's not making fun of me, just entertaining me.

A keeper has his own life and obligations he's not on me 24-7. He's there when I need him and away when I don't.

A keeper definitely doesn't text speak. He uses full words, sentences and punctuation, he knows I respond to proper English.

Lastly a keeper to me would be someone I feel safe hanging out with, sharing personal details with, opening up too, without feeling mocked or judged or scared.

It's a longshot to find a keeper because personally I don't think he exists for me.

Oh and why is it, when I've called them out on their boorish behaviour, they don't apologise but go on the attack??

Ha, learn from your mistakes!

#BlogLife865 - Guilty, I have a confession..

*Looks at you with Bambi innocent eyes, trying to soften you up*

Didn't work huh? Not even a lil bit?

Alright, I tried my best to keep using the Clean and Clear and Fixderma beaded face washes but they kept suffocating my skin, causing breakouts and leaving residue on my face.

I caved, binned them and bought the Simple 150ml £2.50 face wash from Iceland instead.

It's not my favourite, I don't feel it does anything below the surface but I was desperate and the other reason is, the washes are clogging up the drains.

I keep having to put hot water and washing up liquid down it, as it's draining slowly.

That cemented it. Hurrah no beads, it's just clear, thickish, faint almost a grapey scent, it's nice.

And my skin finally feels refreshed and lighter. It doesn't wash off easily but next time I'll probably just use less of it.

My face is quite smooth, I probably wouldn't use a moisturiser afterwards, although I tend to put mine on prior as you know, because I have combination dry and oily skin.

It needs to breathe and be as empty as possible, without layers of anything.

I don't mind makeup when I go out but indoors, it's nothingness, just moisturiser in the morning and night sometimes.

Ahh I finally got some sleep on Saturday night, I did wake a few times but there was large chunks of sleep so I feel refreshed.

On Friday night there was none, so all day I was a zombie. Last night in between one of the random wake ups..

This fresh original themed story popped up. I desperately wanted to write it down but I was too drained to move or open my eyes.

It actually has a mature theme but I don't know if I could write that bit.

There was maybe one chapter's worth of material. I should not focus on a new story when other's remain open.

It was exciting for me to have a new idea come to life. It's not blog material, I don't even think I would put it on wattpad.

If I was more comfy and knew how to do it seamlessly, I might even consider dictating it onto a file and uploading it somewhere.

It flowed in my head, that was rare, all the conversations seemed natural, that's the hardest bit for me.

I'm not sure about the title but the rest of it seemed interesting, maybe it won't hurt to see if I can write it as a draft, see if there's anything there, while it's fresh.

I don't even know if I can remember the details and it's a Bank Holiday weekend, I'm supposed to be relaxing..

I have made a start on it, it's in my drafts, plus I registered with the website that I would probably upload it too.

That's progress, maybe I'll connect with new writers who struggle too?

#BlogLife864 - Sweet pretzels?

I fancied a savoury snack so I got out the stick pretzels and thought Oh, these are not salty.

It's sweet?! I've never heard of sweet pretzels before. I think I normally buy the blue packet but it wasn't there so I thought how different can the red one be..

Ha, a lot. It's not bad, sorta sweet caramel maybe? I just really didn't want a sugary snack, I wasn't in the mood for that.

I can't understand what language it's in and my eyes are bad anyway, oops I think I bought two bags.

At least I know the puffy crisps are definitely savoury. Oh tell a lie, I just realised, the only other sweet version has been the chocolate one and that is delicious.

But these are not chocolate coated, they look normal. I guess it's something different, it's not overpowering.

Mild flavour but I want something salty! Right, the plot thickens, I squinted and looked at both packets.

The sweet one says cream chocolate or akin to that. The other says sea salt ha.

Weird, you would think they would differentiate with alternative shades so you don't get confused.

To be honest, these have only faint hints of salt, tasty but not loaded.

I just now realised what the taste is, it's cinnamon, that's it, not caramel, quite unique really.

I also got some salted and roasted cashew nuts that weren't heavy with salt either, pricey but tasty.

The last treat was a chocolate coffee and walnut cake, for a store bought thing, you'd think it was made fresh.

It is the softest moistest cake ever, flavourful, delicious, not overpowering with a hint of the walnut and coffee taste, it's perfect.

Which is nice because my stomach has gone back to cramping hard.

I wonder if I'll get a second monthly in April, the symptoms are there. I hope not.

Forgive me for not posting yesterday but I just wanted a longer break, my stomach my was bothering me and my brain just said No, take it easy too.

#BlogLife863 - Stress vomitting

It took just over and hour and a half to charge the new earbud case and earbuds.

It paired easily with the phone and laptop. I didn't try it at the same time, I forgot.

The model name is YYK-580. Hmm I didn't even realise that maybe it is in the same family as the older pair I have which is the YYK-Q63, who knew?

I was just going to use these spare earbuds for calls but I might as well try it out tomorrow.

The older one I use overnight, it probably has a similar 12 hour battery.

Again it's hard to tell the status, unless you lift the case lid. Then I saw about 4/5 red flashing dots and after the last one stopped flashing, I guessed it was at full capacity.

The earbuds themselves were dead so no colour and then afterwards, went from red to blue.

I thought it was cute, they included a lil black cloth to wipe it clean when necessary.

Also a supposed lifetime warranty, I'll look at that later when I have time.

Ugh, what a day and it's only 10.28am. I got back from the UC appointment and my stomach has just stopped lurching, finally.

It is a beautiful but cold sunny day but for most of it, I had to listen to the anti nausea video, it eventually helped but it was an unpleasant morning.

I didn't even have time to do my makeup. I just rushed out so I wouldn't be late and then hate to wait around for the idiot Jobby to open the doors.

It's not great to stand up when the nausea is hitting hard. Also I felt a bit dizzy but after bracing myself, it disappeared.

I don't know why everyone does this double talk nonsense but it's annoying me.

The advisor said in one breath, Oh now you'll be on monthly, not weekly, not fortnightly meetings..

And I thought great, less headache for me and then he went right back and gave me an appointment in 2 weeks, what is wrong with you???

Why is everyone content with the BS? I also mentioned the course wasn't suitable and he said, Oh yea I know, don't apply for this, apply for that, it's the same bloody thing.

Arghh! I want to scream, I have a short short fuse today. Lastly I explained about the service charge and rent costs and he seemed to think I wasn't responsible for paying that.

I wonder if that was why the form says, don't include it, because they assume, I don't pay it? But I bloody do!

He said call them up or leave a message in the journal. I'm dreading calling them, in case I get someone rude.

My stomach can't take much more. I know I didn't have a choice about migrating to UC and everyone praised it so much.

I find it a complete hassle. Everything is a confusing challenge that is a constant source of stress to me, it's not straightforward and seems to be designed to have you question it.

I succumbed and bought a fizzy miranda orange and it definitely helped my tum.

I also saw pretzels, a coffee cake and crisps so I have re-stocked my snack cupboards woop.

Ahh breakfast is on the way, I hope it helps. I might just eat the fries, no idea why that aids me to feel better.

I used a coupon so it was free and I had a brainwave, this will probably be my last takeout in a while.

So what I will do from now on is before each UC appointment, get there early, pop into the Tesco mini supermarket and pick up some sandwiches or pasta, possibly nibbles too.

Every bone and muscle in my body aches when I get in. I just packed away the food and changed and I feel drained.

At least with pre-prepared food, I won't have to be on my feet much and I can rest, same as before.

I have to hang up my clothes and get the bottle of water that I took out the fridge but forgot to bring with me.

Moving does not appeal to me though. I'm too tired. I don't feel that urge to nap, unfortunately, I'm only body tired, not brain tired and I need both to switch off before I can.

I was trying to be careful and balance the sprite can in the tissue box and it spilled over, had to just bin the brand new box.

Oh I got a complimentary, well 2 free drinks, pity it's coca cola, not my type, too sweet.

I think I had 3ish hours of sleep. I'm too worried about the mounting bills, that never end but keep increasing.

And what if UC sends me on a physical course? My body can't cope anymore with being outdoors for too long.

It's almost like it's preparing to shut down. I should keep things in perspective and only be concerned about what is pressing right now.

Me and DL are still plodding along, talking fine but I gave him a test today.

I wanted to see even if he was busy, would he respond, when I said that I was poorly and he should take the day off and heal me lol.

Obviously I didn't mean that, I just wanted some kind words. That was at 9.37am.

Four hours later no reply, which is fine, just disappointing to me but he's busy.

The sickyness is finally really gone, I'm sipping water and the sleepiness is washing over me.

I must do my protein tablets for my deep clean contact lens tonight, I haven't done it for the month.

#BlogLife862 -Turns out UC isn't covering all my rent

After speaking to the landlord representative yesterday, I wrote down all the details and I thought today I would go through the online form thingy.

I guess from my point of view, UC asks me about rent costs and then they confirm it with the landlord.

For some reason they had £615 something as my monthly rent cost, it is actually £666.81.

But when I was reading the form to submit, it said don't include any arrears you have, plus I'm not supposed to add the service charges either.

I assumed they were covering the whole expense. When I removed that service charge element, the new amount is £489.68.

I guess that means I'm going to be paying £125.84 a month, plus the £100 arrear debt.

Then all the other bills, which I will have to recalculate, per month.

TV licence - £15

EDF gas/electricity - £75

BT broadband/landline - £40.28

Groceries - £200

EE mobile phone - £18.78

Council Tax - £125

Thames Water - £40

The bills are £514.06 and the rent is £125.84, which totals to £639.90.

That's not even including the Oyster travel costs and contact lens care items, beauty items etc.

I guess I will figure it out, the next UC payment will be on the 30th April I guess.

It is, what it is. The earbuds are out for delivery and it's after 1pmish so due anytime now.

Ooh I got them, a special royal mail courier delivered them and surprisingly the case was dead and the earbuds too.

Normally it's partially charged. At 1.24pm I stuck it on the fast charger, maybe an hourish later it will be ready.

Oh also included was a lil handy cloth. I have never seen that before.

I just read inside the box, I'm supposed to scan a code to activate the warranty, then it mentioned it was for a lifetime?

That can't be right, I usually don't bother, but I might this time, later on.

Tomorrow I have a 9am UC meeting so if I remember after I've told him about the unsuitable course, I'll enquire about the rent.

I'm not going to go crazy or stress or get overwhelmed, there's nothing I can do about it so I will accept it.

Just seems like every time I turn around, there is a new expense.

On top of that, eventually the laptop, heating blankie and microwave will all need replacing, for several hundred pounts each.

Well aside from the blankie, that's under a hundred.

#BlogLife861 - Is is better to talk?

Doesn't it just mean, the other person knows all your vulnerabilities?

I'm currently finding it harder and harder to get out of bed these days.

Now that the sun is out, the problem neighbour kids are swarming around like parasites.

If they're not smoking outside, stinking up the neighbourhood, they are kicking the ball against my wall and windows and one day it's going to smash.

Thud, thud, thud, is all I hear, the sound reverberating two whole rooms away.

Then UC wants to know my current rent, which sounds simple but it isn't.

I've told them the correct amount and it's still written falsely. The landlord said, it was due to increase this month, but instead will change in October.

If I tell them what I actually pay and that's not including the arrears, I have to include, when it changed and officially that's last April, what if they want proof?

I don't have that! There is so much confusing double talk, it makes my head spin.

I guess the most pressing thing is not hearing back from the DWP.

Maybe she does want to throw me in jail, find something concrete and say Aha, I was waiting for this, I stalled and stalled and here it is.

I can take your life from you, happily, since last October, her hands have been around my neck, squeezing, choking the life out of me.

It's like being back at home, trapped, slowly suffocating, walking around in my own safe bubble world, wishing things were different.

That I could breathe, that there was hope, that I would survive. There wasn't any peace then and there isn't any now.

This lil doom and gloom rain cloud is still stalking me. Am I ever going to be free?

I needed to get that off my chest, it helped somewhat but ultimately, I'm continuously stressed waiting for the next disaster to crop up.

I don't feel like my life has ever been my own. At the family home, I learn't that it was better not to express myself or my needs..

As it resulted in insults, humiliation, intimidation and the reinforced belief, I had no brains or personality.

Here, now, living alone, I can talk, I still find I don't want too, most of the time.

Maybe it's interesting for the other party to know I'm struggling but I find that doesn't help me at all.

Really and truly, talking to myself or you dear readers, is the only thing that takes away these crushing burdens.

I find I am going off food again. I try to buy things that seem appealing but when I go to prepare a meal, it doesn't strengthen my appetite, it puts me off.

I'm not starving myself, I nibble here and there but I do end up wasting food.

You know what I would love to utter actually, the only thing, right now that I can?

I'm a sick person. I'm not saying that for attention or sympathy, it's just a fact.

I don't want to look on the bright side of things. I have limited energy and I don't want to feel guilty about lollygagging.

Sometimes the pains are so intense, I can't stand it.

Why am I expected to be strong or cope easily? Why can't I fall apart and be depressed?

Sometimes I want to lie in bed and do nothing, just pretend I can sleep easily and switch off.

Why do I feel this guilt about relaxing? Gaming or watching movies/tv shows?

Why do I think I should be writing 24-7? The whole reason I stopped posting 7 days a week, was to give myself a break.

Why is that a bad thing? To look after myself? 

Why can't I maintain a positive attitude? Why can't I believe in myself and stay confident?

....... Because SS, you're a human being, not a robot, you feel things, like we all do.

You're trying to be better. That's all you can do.

Lastly why do I feel like I should be mingling, dating and making friends, when all I want to do is withdraw from everyone?

It's wrong to be alone, right? Or is it? When it's just me, I don't have to entertain anyone or pretend I'm happy.

I can just be myself and let down my guard, take off my mask and be transparent.

There is no-one on this earth I can do that with.

#BlogLife860 - We're going to flame out

I finally got around to checking the EE phone bill and there was this extra charge of just under £7 and I thought Noo, for what??

And I thought maybe it's just a transitional thing, or it's from calling/texting DL as he's away.

Turns out the representative reassured me that it was from the handset delivery cost, it just wasn't itemised.

I am so relieved and it made me smile that the 10% is coming out of the line rental, from £20 dropped down to £18 which is great news.

I feel less burdened already. Although a moment ago DL asked for the blog link and we've been having various shallow and deep and meaningful chats so he can handle it.

But he's still male and overall that seems to result in a negative outcome.

Every now and again, I have to be willing to put myself out there though and not only did I share it and die of cringe at the thought of him reading it..

I also encouraged him to search for the fiction and spoofs. I hate the thought of being critiqued but I usually play it so safe.

Too afraid to open up and share my words with someone that possibly may offer real feedback.

I saw these chicken and vegetable kebabs so I'm just cooking those and I have that special soft bread wrap and some dips, hummus or the garlic and herb will blend nicely.

I can't say I feel peckish but my stomach needs something inside it.

I'll probably leave half for tomorrow. DL says he really likes my writing but maybe he's being nice, to spare my feelings.

I'm just using humour to mask my insecurities, it's easier, than trying to figure out.. If I can captivate an audience.

The kebabs were nice, could have done with more flavour though and the veggies came out soggy, which didn't appeal.

I prefer crunchy and raw ones. I've just tried one of the pizza rolls that I saw.

It was £2 for a cannelloni sized portion. It reminds me of the mini ones they introduced over Christmas, except these are regular sized.

The breading is tasty, it's got the right amount of tomato and cheese, anymore and it would be a bit sickly.

I didn't find it too dry, most people would probably add some spice to it or dip it in a condiment for an extra boost.

For me I found it great as it was. It's a shame though, it's only in the cheese or pepperoni version, they completely ignore the chicken lovers, once again.

Oh I settled and bought a pair of earbuds finally £14ish. A bit more than I wanted to pay but I didn't see hardly anything with a long battery, it was only a few hours and that gets shorter after a while, so it isn't worth it.

And supposedly it has a 12hour battery life, hmm, we'll see. They are due before Thursday, I have the tracking link.

#BlogLife859 - Insomnia ruling over me

It's another hot stifling day today but this time I have the fan on as I forgot I left it charging all night.

I think I have a spare but I'm not sure where I put it, I'll have to dig it out.

The good thing is that I can finally use up the lollies and ice poles, because although I don't have much of an appetite, I'm quite thirsty and if I don't start drinking more, the violent cramps are going to return.

I should probably just ignore HM from now on, I've tried to be polite but he's on constant flirt mode and at some point, you just want to talk about anything else, like the weather...

I couldn't sleep at all last night, until the early hours. I'm not sure why it was late and I was tired but I just couldn't drop off.

I tried to clear my mind and practice deep breathing and maybe that helped as soon after I got a couple hours of sleep, maybe 4 and that was sufficient.

I should start pricing around for earbuds, the one with the long life q33, now only lasts 2/3 hours, where it was maybe 10 before.

Least they lasted 3 years. I've seen one for £8 and the other for £11 claiming to have 10 hours continued playtime but I'll see if there's anything longer at the same reduced price.

Last night one of the randoms pmmed me DL and I said quite cattily, this will never work as your Doctor and I believe they are the devils incarnate.

Kinda harsh I know but they aren't my favourite species, due to fighting to be seen and diagnosed, only to be told I wasting their time, I was lying and exaggerating blah blah.

Until I believe I was going crazy and perhaps I was just fibbing those whole time...

Anyway I was expecting a nasty response and he didn't say anything bad.

Just said, I believe I'm decent I help others but I understand if you feel that way, take care.

And I thought dang, he took that well, seems intelligent, polite, I try to give others a fair shot.

So I said, Let's go for it and we did end up having a laugh, he shared a bit, I did too.

I called him on witheld last night and he does have a nice English accent and there was no sleaze, surprisingly!!

So I texted him, sharing my number and we've texted a bit today.

He seems like a safe best for an acquaintanceship, because he's not looking and I'm a mess when it comes to dating so I guess it works out.

And on that note, I think the sms/text messaging service has officially migrated to rss messenger.

I don't think I can revert back so I'll just keep it. It's strange I can see his live typing a response.

Unlike whatsapp though, I didn't need the wifi on to see a reply.

Maybe it's the new phone but notifications seemed to be off. When I got a text, it only displayed in the text app, now on the front screen.

Now I think it's fixed. There's so many lil tweaks to a new phone.

#BlogLife858 - Forcing friendships

Why is the latest thing on a chatroom to receive a friend request without having a first conversation?

Is this like men collecting phone numbers and not using them, a bragging thing?

I don't really understand the purpose. Would you walk up to someone in the street that you hadn't met before and say..

Let's be besties. I know instantly we are alike and will get on famously.

Even though I have no people skills and are in a different stage of life to you and deep down I'm not a nice person, I'm super clingy... Etc.

It makes no sense. Why not send a private message, introduce yourself and something simple like, I read your profile, it spoke to me, I'd like to get to know you better....

Very simple, easy and a much better way to partially guarantee a response.

What I've also noticed is that a lot of non UK males, are eager to chat to the UK fems, why?

It's obvious that the language doesn't translate, the slang, the humour, none of it.

I only bother if I'm at a loose end. I understand being curious about a different culture or lifestyle to your own but not if you judge it and don't fully understand it and refuse to be respectful.

Maybe females are different though because this blog gets hardly any UK attention, it's mostly from around the world.

And it's always been that way, right from my humble beginnings.

Anyway these thoughts just popped into my head and I didn't want to forget them but I really need to switch off and relax now.

The pain's still lingering but I enjoyed tonight's episode of The Chelsea Detective.

Actually it's kinda nice that's there's no romantic work tension and that although they gently tease each other, they're friends and lend support where needed.

I think me and HM reached a natural breaking point tonight.

I can be tolerant if someone's not perfect or thoughtless at times, except when I'm hormonal or in physical pain.

So I explained that I hurt my arm/shoulder and wasn't feeling great.

And it would have been nice if he said Oof that must've made your day challenging, do you wanna talk about it?

But no lol, there was none of that, he went into flirt mode so what I did, was ignore him, so he chat up himself.

Eventually he left, then returned, then said enjoy your night and I wished him the same.

But then he was like Oh you're replying now, I left because you didn't seem talkative.

So then I just let him have it. I said you didn't respect my wishes so I ignored you and if you flirt, I'll repeat it.

Ooh he was not pleased. I love that he responded with Ignoring someone isn't nice.

As that made me laugh. All I had to say was, You were happy enough to ignore my wishes.

I'm just doing the same. I was thinking this whole conversation seems recycled.

The whole reason I distanced myself from him was that he only cares about himself.

And he has this angry tirade, Oh you knew what I was like.

Then I had to point out, its a woman's prerogative to evolve.

You've changed, not me ha.

He thought because I let him get away with selfish behaviour,  that I'd always accept it.

The thing with me is, sometimes it doesn't concern me. 

I don't take it personally, I'm enjoying the company and that's that.

Other times when I'm sick and feeling my needs loud and clear.

I know it's time to weed out the undesirables, those that are desperate or clingy or rude or disrespectful. 

Because this is the time where I wanna hear..

Something soothing.. Like it won't be forever, look after yourself.

I have some funny stories to entertain you with and because I know you're stressed..

I'm not going to be sleazy.

Ha! Yeah right, like that conversation would ever happen.

There's no decent guy to show my softer side too.

It's the same result every time. Ohhh I get it.

I'll tell you what to do and your needs will be forgotten. 

Everybody's happy right? Wrong!! I remain unfulfilled!!

A lil update actually. I think I slept better and deeply and the majority of the pain has subsided, thank heavens.

#BlogLife857 - I don't have to be nice to you..

Ugh I was hoping today would be better. I made sure to have a late lie in, I think I got some sleep, bit broken.

But again I woke up to feeling sore, my arms or shoulders can barely move without the pain creeping up.

I think when it's like this, it takes over and my brain says, I'm off. Shutting down for the day.

I thought it was sweet that when I spoke to Mama last night to thank her for the food and meet up, she apologised for buying a small amount of pakoras.

As they are sold by weight and it's confusing, especially when they keep changing the bag sizes, that's why whatever I see, I normally buy the lot.

Mama gets half with leftovers for a few days and I do too, as it's not a regular thing but something we've never gotten tired of.

But actually I told her that it was the most enjoyable meal of my day, because it was so tasty and I didn't have the energy to move much.

So I appreciated it and we were talking about all the places that had come and gone, others were much friendlier.

Some had changed management sadly and the new owners put me off with their unfriendly attitude and recipe changes.

I always think it's strange to hire people with a snarky attitude in customer service roles.

There's so much competition out there, wouldn't you want someone welcoming and competent representing your business?

I always remember the original owner because either he was born in the same place as my parents or was just big hearted and greeted every customer by name with a warm smile.

He genuinely cared, didn't flirt just valued your custom and always gave me extra ha.

I don't really see that much these days. I guess to be fair, I don't visit many shops regularly, except the oyster one and the international food store.

Maybe people just have lower standards and are not classy anymore?

There is a lot more to be stressed about, nowadays but some professionalism would be nice.

Ok I just tried to scramble up to make breakfast/lunch, whatever you want to call the first meal of the day and I'm at the point, where every motion makes me say Ouch.

I doubt I will be blogging much or at all this week. Sorry about that but once again I can barely move about.

The pain is getting unbearable. If I do post, it will probably be short.

I can't manage right now, at the moment the pain is limited to the arm/shoulder but if it spreads, I'm going to be in agony.

Breathe, breathe, be calm and don't let the pain make you cry and fall apart.

Exhale. I'm going to get lost in fictional shows and forget my current status.

Take care for now. I'll be in touch.

#BlogLife856 - I'm wrecked today..

Ooh that wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I just called up to pay my rent and the £50 extra for the random arrears that pop up with the landlord's whims..

And afterwards she told me it's only about £100 I owe, so two more payments and it's done, until the next time they decide to overcharge me, which is quite often, over the years.

At least a couple of thousand, out of the allocated scope of the housing benefit allowance. Pfft!

Ha!! Thank the heavens. I checked out the course the nitwit advisor pressured me into applying for..

The result? It's not local to me, it's not online. Suck it!! As I repeatedly told him, it's not catered towards me, idiot, try listening next time.

I might just cancel the lunch with Mama. I'm not sure I feel up to it with my stomach churning with the cramps, nausea, dizziness, tiredness, bloatedness, fed-upness.

Oh I didn't know Val Kilmer passed, another one gone. As Barratts have stopped or maybe they aren't in stock, the milkshake lollies..

I just bought the cheap milk ones instead, tastes almost the same, but less sugar which is fine by me and probably heaps cheaper too.

My elbows are a lil dry, that body butter isn't as moisturising as I hoped.

My face is breaking out but that's normal to get pimples. I'm so sick of the scrub beady washes though, I wish I could bin them and buy a normal one but I am not wasting money.

Just got back from lunch with Mama and her besties, they enjoyed the pedicure and her bestie offered to pay but she said her daughter would be offended, pfft yea right.

Would have been glad of one less expense but the bestie was sweet enough to buy us all lunch of which, strangely I had an appetite..

But I forgot to ask for brown bread and I just didn't enjoy the chicken mayo without the usual salad embedded into it.

I probably ate one half of it and skipped the rest but Mama was kind enough to get some veggy pakoras and dessert and even though I'm bloated and stuffed, I had to taste one.

It's fabulously fresh and mild, not too peppery at all. I will munch and savour that probably for dinner.

Even though I think the monthly is finished, I feel wretched today. I'm only in my forties but crikey, I struggled so badly to get dressed and undressed today.

The pain and delicateness is ridiculous. I didn't even do much and I got a seat on the bus coming and going.

I even had a lovely long block of sleep but none of that mattered. I was drained and sensitive.

I feel soothed being under the blankie, what I'll do as the sun seems permanently out now, is switch on the fan, crank up the blankie and try not to boil alive.

My back, legs and feet are overly fragile today, some of my pimples are fading maybe the weekend mask is helping.

I would love to curl up for a much needed nap but there's too much to do.

There's been a newish random for a while HM, but he's kinda self obsessed, he's very entertaining but particularly around pmt time, I'd like a lil understanding and some tlc and he's so matter of fact, back to me type..

So I told him that, it's better we part ways and I found it strange he seemed to think we were closer than it appeared, I don't.

But again he's a good distraction from everyday stress and aches, although I want someone to give it a damn.

He took it well, was very mature about but then the next day, he said Hi as normal lol.

I felt kinda rude ignoring him, so I greeted him back but I told him, not to reconcile.

Oh and there was this sorta doppleganger, he reminded me a lot of someone I'd blocked.

Another completely, me me me character. He thinks I'm his bloody therapist.

The man prattled on and on and boringly on..... About work, grief, women. 

I'm not sure he asked anything about me at all or maybe just the basics, good heavens he was dull.

I left him to talk to himself, his favourite person in the world. You'd think he would get the message, apologise and say sorry for hogging the conversation.

I was tempted to say Yea I'll talk to you, first transfer a payment to Amazon, that's your counsellor fee..

Now you can carry on whinging on, because now I'm getting something out of it too!!

#BlogLife855 - Mr Know-it-all type is a crap listener!

I just got in from my UC appointment, ugh and he's badgering me about the bloody courses again.

Why don't they listen? I already told him, I'm not interested and I don't meet the criteria anyway and he won't shut up about it.

I have a strong feeling they've been told to force people on courses because there is no reason he should have called me this morning, panicking me.

Cripes, I thought he was changing the appointment last minute and I'd be in trouble for being late, when in fact he was seeing me later and could have mentioned it then.

Good grief, talk about stifling! I'll have to reapply and hope they say they haven't got the funding once again. Twit!

I ended up enjoying Friday's takeout all weekend, so I thought sod it, I'll get the chicken puree wrap again again, it was sublime and discounted.

I'm going to be sensible when I meet Mama, I'll pay for her pedicure and I just don't need one yet so I'll forgo it.

Then I'll contribute towards lunch but I have to budget more carefully from now on.

Hopefully she'll get her treats this week. Better late than never, I just didn't want to order it early and have parcels near her door while she is away on holiday.

I spoke to T, a new random last night, I was trying to stay awake until I was shattered enough to sleep.

I'm not sure I was in the mood for company, well now I know why I was on edge, I'm hormonal and extra prickly.

Anyway it started off fine-ish but then it felt like he was scrutinising every word I was saying and playing therapist.

Good heavens, no-one wants that, ever! Most want to relax and have a giggle, not be managed and fixed and inspected all the time for defects shish.

I didn't confront him about that, even though I started cringing, he wasn't nasty about it, just a lil too free with the commentary about how he can improve me....

Anyway then he mentioned picswaps and meet ups and I thought whoa, this is moving dangerously fast.

Then it was video calls?? What on earth?! Nope! I made sure to shut that down, it's not in my comfort zone, I hate revealing my photos that are never flattering.

So I explain that, all of the above is almost traumatic but not quite, it's deeply stressful and I'm not willing to do that.

Besides which, it's obvious I'm a woman so I'm not catfishing him and he responded in such an idiotic way.

Oh how do I know, unless I see you? Twit! I had to point out, my intellect speaks for itself.

I use full sentences and punctuation. I can match wits with anyone and my voice is very soft, what more do you want?

But I know that his goal, because he only cares about his needs, is to see me, regardless of how I feel.

Literally as soon as we got off the in-site voice chat, he sends me a photo of himself.

What the hell! Helllllloooo! Was I just talking to myself? So that annoyed me and to make it worse, he said, there's no malicious intent, just seeing if you like me.

Luckily there's a safety protocol, before you view, it says, accept or reject and I always without thinking, reject.

At this point I snapped and let him have it. I'm sick of telling someone how I feel and them nodding, claiming to accept it and then ignoring it and violating my boundaries and trust!

I just said look you knew my wishes and you still sent it, of which I rejected it and didn't view it.

So send it to someone else! He snapped back with Oh I thought you just didn't want to send it, so I volunteered mine and I didn't appreciate your tone, as I already stated, I didn't have bad intentions.

That made me laugh to be honest because eventually what happens is, if I view it....

Later on, the nagging would inevitably begin.... Oh but you saw mine, now you must show me yours, fair is fair......... All that bs.

Anyway I thought this is all too much, should I block him or give him the benefit of the doubt?

So I thought, let's hit pause and steer it back so I'm in control and I'm comfy again.

So I conveyed that I'm not an image person. I don't want to see what he looks like and that I have no intention of meeting him so the photo thing isn't relevant, online chat is fine, the rest is not happening.

I said if you want more than that, we are not suited to be acquaintances.

As all of a sudden, I felt hunted. I felt this strangulation pressure to be on display and I didn't feel accepted as I was....

More like a puppet to be moulded and then worthy in his judgemental eyes.

Yuck, who would willing walk into that? I just blocked him. I can't deal with that type of person, invading my personal space.

There were aspects of him that was fine, chatty, funny, intelligent but the negative, far outweighs the positive.

I don't want to get sucked into another acquaintanceship where I feel like I have to defend myself or constantly explain why I'm uncomfy.

I'm better off with someone who understands me and doesn't make me feel like I'm not good enough in my present state.

#BlogLife854 - Unclear what's on my mind..

Ahh I figured out the phone weirdness, when I went to switch off the phone and the options came up like switch off or restart, one of the other options, emergency and something else..

Actually means safe mode or similar, at some point I have to change that too.

It's an odd thing to be placed there, as if you're constantly troubleshooting the phone, aren't Samsungs reliable?

I just bought some saline solution in bulk and didn't realise I was out so I saw a multi pack on offer, 3x£12 which is as good as I'm going to get.

Plus my slippers are worn out so I saw a fake fur firm one for £6ish with free tracked postage.

Actually I think they're both trackable and due this weekend. Oh the slippers just arrived.

They seem much more premium for the price. Comfy, warm, great quality but a lil rigid.

I still like them though, maybe after a while they will loosen up. Apologies that I've been posting late for a while.

I'm not sure why, I feel a bit creatively stifled. I saw an almost half price deal on Just Eat so decided to do an order today, instead of Monday.

To take advantage of it. Just some chicken rice/noodles, sushi, dumplings and those karange chicken bite thingys that are fabulous. Ooh they gave me sriracha sauce with it, tasty.

I saved over £20 so that helps and then Monday when I come in drained, I can heat it up or maybe I'll grab a sandwich while I'm out.

I don't know, I just usually want to come in, flop on my bed, drink something, munch and nap.

I need a new show to binge. Ahh the slippers need to be worn with socks, they kinda pinch unfortunately.

I should've listened to that reviewer but nobody else commented on it.

I finally have some news. Mama called me yesterday but I didn't know if she was back.

I couldn't risk texting or calling her as that would have spiked her bill again with the roaming charges and I already made that mistake.

I thought let me just do nothing and wait and today finally, she texted to confirm she arrived back safely.

We spoke today and she seems content, like she had a good break, apart from not sleeping properly due to the humidity.

I'm relieved that she didn't seem upset or stressed. I felt I was carrying that weight around for a whole month.

Apparently she was treated well but even if she wasn't, I don't think she would tell me.

I don't think she was due back this early but anyway, her demeanor is good and we might meet up next week.

I asked what she'd like for Mama's Day and she said she just wanted a pedicure treat so that's fine with me.

But I also saw a Montezuma dark chocolate almond bar, some BonBons clotted cream fudge and an all butter one. (£15).

I did offer to pay for dinner or lunch but she's stocked up so she declined that.

I'm glad she's safe but I hope next time, she'll let me know that important detail, above anything else.

As I know the surroundings she was in and honestly it could have gone either way.

I can breathe now. Sunday morning I had the most intense dizzy spell.

I woke up as though I was drunk or drugged, the room was spinning, I was swaying, I couldn't keep my balance.

I was holding on to the door and walls to keep steady. It's not normally as bad as that but I felt so off.

It passed shortly after, I made sure to sit down and rest and then I got a drink and something to eat and I was fine, it was just so weird how I couldn't walk normally.

Today Monday, the rent is due and I'm going to ask them how much the arrears are, maybe I've cleared this imaginary debt?

Ahh they were closed. I'll try tomorrow. I've got my UC appointment later on, I'm mostly ready, I just need to do my makeup.

I got 2 missed calls today, the one time I thought I could sleep in but no messages.

Either it's from my UC advisor but there's no email or text, if the appointment has changed, they love leaving it to the last minute.

I checked but no messages were left, or it's from the Witch letting me know my new lifelong debt.....

Ahh I got an email to say the last of the Mama's Day gifts arrived.

She loves that Bon Bons brand so I got the clotted cream and the all butter gourmet types.

Ugh I was hoping to skip the monthly but the cramps are intense and no appetite today.