#BlogLife655 - I uninstalled all messengers because of you

I think when I was a lil girl, the thought of dressing up and posing and wearing multi coloured wigs or bright shoes or pulling silly faces seemed fun.

When the weight piled on, I no longer felt like everyone else, I felt awkward and different, a million eyes on me, judging my every action.

I never felt big, it was everyone around me, don't eat that, Oh you've gone up another dress size..

Hmm, have you noticed how slender and beautiful so and so is? You could be the same, if only you didn't eat so much...

I'm proud of my healthier lifestyle, the steady weight loss but I still feel somewhat icky about myself.

The thought of photographs is disgusting to me. All men seem to want is to send and receive nonstop pictures which I can't stand.

To me, before meeting up one is enough. To say cooee, full transparency, this is me.

I don't see the need for more, you know what I look like now, the date has occurred.

I'm not sending revealing pictures, don't send them to me, I've blocked my phone from incoming and outgoing photos.

I don't want to see your tinky winky, alright? Get the picture? Or rather, you probably won't.

I know maybe I should change my perception, take a million pictures, get used to it, see it in a different light...

Make a challenge out of it possibly? I just don't see it enriching my life.

I think it's just something I'm strongly averse too. It would take me firing off a million pictures to find an image of myself that was tolerable.

I make my peace with it. I won't send a snap of myself until it's absolutely necessary.

I recently got rid of a random solely because, he was fine and funny but obsessed with seeing me.

It turned into a nag so I told him it's off-putting and I'm really uncomfortable so the more he backed me into a corner, the more I would just not want to talk to him.

And the final straw was when he said Watch your attitude and I thought I'm being honest with you and because it's not what you want to hear, you're being defensive and rude, so I said thanks for your company and you'd be better off with someone else.

I almost felt bullied towards the end and I need someone patient who will let me go at my own pace, when I feel relaxed.

He didn't think I was going to cut him off but I reach a breaking point as everyone does.

It felt like two seconds later, I reacquainted with another random who said, You've got this no nonsense, unapproachable way about you.

But he wasn't saying it in a rude way, just in a direct way, which made me laugh because it's mainly true.

There is this harshness where I weed out undesirables and look for intellect and humour and someone that can match my wackiness without accusing me of being drunk or high or crazy.

I'm just trying to have moments of silliness away from the constant pain, exhaustion and helplessness I feel during most of the day.

I want to forget the stress and have a giggle and I expect whoever I'm talking to, to match the energy and wit and if they don't, it's bye bye.

So we ended up having a microphone chat and he has the loveliest Irish accent.

Some words are a lil hard to understand but for the most part we got the gist of each others ramblings.

I just clarified that I'm particular about who I converse with, as I've had really great chats and I'm not going to suffer through a bad one, what is the point??

#BlogLife644 - You don't hate me, your brain does..

Song of the day - Ravi B - Shirley Gyal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CATRtgcIxw0&list=WL&index=46

Afternoony to each and every one of you. It's actually a pretty lovely sunny day weather wise.

But I'm hormonally frozen, whenever I am on, my internal body temperature drops significantly and I'm already cold blooded, so the heating is on high as is the blankie to try and warm me up.

I must have slept alright because I rarely have energy when I'm out, I got some soothers lemon sweets because my throat is a lil dry and I feel sniffly.

Then I went to get the pakoras and some ladoo desserts, I had to ask the guy where they were. I didn't even know they did plain and the pistachio version, the nutty one is so much nicer.

I was going to get some sandwiches also but the energy was starting to dip and I had been pain free so I didn't bother.

I knew though as soon as I got indoors, I would be excessively drained for at least half the day if not all of it.

I tried to nap but it's just not happening, I think I'm too cold still. Although one or rather two things that are hurting are my hands.

Luckily they haven't completely seized up but it's getting easier to strain them, sooner and sooner in the day, unlike before.

It would be better if I could rest but maybe later. I feel like I just made my own version of a smoothie.

I left some orange juice in the bottle froze it overnight, poured fresh juice into and it's got the bits and icy lumps of orange that are melting inside, delicious.

I've nibbled but I don't feel too hungry, just tired. Last night I saw MC, we seem to be going more on the deep and meaningful side at the moment, we never used too.

Because I have known him for probably a few months now, as it was way before Christmas that we first spoke.

I told him everything about being ill and why it makes dating a hindrance, he too seemed to get it and be understanding.

But let's see how he reacts next time I see him or if he recalls what I even divulged..

I spoke to someone else who seemed alright but was obsessed with trying to figure me all out in one day.

Now the problem with these types of people, I have encountered many times over, is that they latch on, have a stranglehold on you are eventually convinced you are this way or that.

Without realising, it takes time to get to know someone, I never serve myself up anyway, I share bits and pieces that aren't personal.

Anyway at first he was praising me, Oh you're so funny, you're so real, blah blah blah.

The problem with this over zealous enthusiasm, is that eventually you will say something they don't like and they can't handle it and will turn on you for it.

It all seemed fine and then he really royally flipped out and out of nowhere said I know you don't mean that, you shouldn't hurt peoples feelings.

I genuinely wasn't, I was just going along with the chat and then he said, I'm leaving.

I laughed and didn't even bother to respond because he wanted me to engage, he wanted me to beg him to stay or have this invisible row made out of thin air, and I refused.

Things can be misinterpreted, tone can be hard to read. But I don't feel I said anything rude or disrespectful at all.

I blocked him and he kept bombarding me with messages all night, luckily they all failed as I wasn't in the mood.

If you right someone off or exit, then stay gone, what's the point of seeking attention all night?

I don't understand that. I get rejected and ghosted all the time, you don't see me pinging them to get noticed.

I might just do it once, because messages don't always get delivered but that's it.

Unless they message me and initiate contact, I won't chase them.

I recently had a funny chat with someone and halfway through he disappeared, I chased him up once and he didn't reply so I left it.

I wasn't devastated, more curious but I let it go. Sometimes you make a connection and other times you don't and it's fine.

Life goes on, there is another random who keeps messaging me but so far it's always been at the wrong moment.

I don't like his voice but his personality is great, I'm just not sure whether to reconnect or not.

I feel bad for ignoring him. I will see how I feel but just discourage phone calls, ha.

Oh I used the Vatika garlic conditioner this morning, so far so good, my hair is soft, my scalp seems mostly hydrated and my hair looks full and smooth.

It's behaved even though it was windy, it remained styled and cute.

I will have to use it more before I can recommend it.

#BlogLife581 - An agreeable savage

 Song of the day - NSYNC - Girlfriend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WmirUc-EPw&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=60

I know I'm incredibly late today, sorry about the tardiness. I just had a lot to do and shopping to get.

But now I'm free to write and think clearly. I probably only had a few things to get from Ocado, which was the mouthwash (Corsodyl) and a face wash.

The pink rose Nivea one, which I can't even recall if I've used that one before.

Plus I love the Badedas so much I bought another one. Then I think the rest was snackies.

They just broadened their lunch range and I rarely, in fact don't see beef sandwiches at all, so when I saw one, beef and horseradish, which I wasn't sure I had ever tried before..

I thought it was worth a shot, plus a new range of sushi, woop. The chicken katsu which again is not spicy, phew but really tasty is great, plus there is another one I have to try.

I can't think of the name and I'm too tired to look it up. I feel pretty good aside from feeling a lil tender and tired.

I've been wrapped up and for the most part, taking it easy, aside from tasks I had to sort out.

So that helped de-stress my body. I found some more recommended tunes on Youtube, more songs of the day coming.

Also I took the plunge and saw a £15 bluetooth earbud set on Ebay and got it and it's supposed to come tomorrow afternoon, we shall see.

Ideally I wanted a newer bluetooth version, a multiple device pair option, stereo sound, good price, a long distance range and a clickable button operation, as those make it easier.

Rather than facing the disconnection, having to put it back in the case to restart it because it's switched itself off and then taking it back out again to pair, ughhhh.

Mine has some of the above, the description was a bit short, oh and of course, insanely long battery life.

Now on to the title. I wouldn't say I was a pushover, I can stand my ground but sometimes I'll accept that I'm in a nice surrounding..

I like the company and I will be more willing to play nice, as it were.

To be more accommodating and meet someone halfway or offer a bit more of myself.

Now I don't often do this because I rarely feel comfortable or as though I'm with someone that's going to give me my space and allow me to go at my own pace.

Yesterday I did that. I had spoken to this random before and he seemed fun, although some slight immaturity and stubbornness were coming through.

But I ignored that and yesterday I don't know if I was testing the waters but we were in opposite sides and at first I didn't think much of it.

But then he started being particularly rude. What's the word I'm looking, demoralising? 

It's like when you're going for the kill, you don't just want to hurt someone, you want to mess with them.

And I thought, hmmm, so that's the way you're going? He could have said, let's compromise or this is why I feel strongly, can you please hear me out?!

But nope it got vicious and I wasn't totally invested but before that, he had seemed alright.

Afterwards though I was laughing because I knew that I was going to torture him back but worse.

Some silliness I will block and ignore, with others I get my claws out.

And it is because certain characters because I'm sweet to them, think I won't stand up for myself, they assume I'm exploitable.

This is where I teach them a lesson. To respect others. I threw it back in his face and called him a Useless Bastard!

He was floored and his only response before he left with his ickle wickle tail between his legs was..... Hey.

As in how dare you. My response was simply, Exactly, not nice is it??

Don't underestimate the nice ones, we all have claws and we all bite!!

#BlogLife393 - Sizing myself up

As I've shopped through a few different stores and I've gotten the same result, I have to conclude that I have gone down a dress size or two.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because it's a mind kerfuffle. 

As soon as I make progress with weight loss, I sabotage myself and add calorific foods to my shopping basket.

It's a good thing downsizing, it means that what I'm doing is working. The gentle exercising, the healthier options, less evening snacking.

The 8pm cut off point. I just don't want the outside voices to influence me.

I accidentally let it slip to my mama and she was overjoyed which annoyed me because she has been the one that has always nagged me to present myself like other slender visions.

I don't want to people please or let myself be talked into what other people think I should look like so it's tricky.

It's like every time I get smaller, I'm saying they were right to harass me into feeling bad about myself and not accepting my own widely feminine shape.

I just need to remind myself that I am doing this for me. I want to be healthy. 

I want clothes to fit me better so that I don't have to wear baggy oversized versions but more tailored and curve inducing garments.

I would like to squeeze into a seated area in a restaurant and not feel it's cutting into my tum tum.

Maybe the nausea and other pmt/pms related symptoms would have less of a long lasting intensity?

I know that all the shopping sprees helped to point out that I loved fashion but I stopped shopping somewhat because of how it made me seem frumpy.

But now that I've gotten these wonderful new outfits. I feel more me again.

I don't want to hide away as much as before but I'm not exactly saying check me out either.

I'm just content with adding splashes of colour here and there. 

Now I just have to take the plunge and purchase something in the new size and see how it looks on me..

#BlogLife338 - Do you love my bad side?

I finally got around to plucking my brows and filing my nails and as I was looking in the mirror trying to do my right brow as I am right handed and can't seem to do it.

 

I laid down to see if I could get a better angle. Finally I just set up the laptop light, placed the mirror and managed it that way.

But a memory came to me. Do you enhance your pictures and edit them? Do you feel comfortable showcasing your natural self...Unfiltered?

It's scary but I did just that quite a long while ago. It wasn't the first image I showed him of me but it was probably the last.

He was too frightened to send me his snapshot but I wasn't in the end.

The last one was me in a downcast mood. I didn't fake my feelings. I don't think I wore makeup. I just went for the whole reveal.

It was a bad likeness of me but for some reason I loved it. I think I realise now, it's because I wasn't hiding, I wasn't presenting my best self.

This was a test to see what he really thought of the unearthed me. Way before he eventually showed me himself, his personality was beginning to rise to the surface.

Insecure, angry, spiteful and mean. Not at all the "good" guy he tried to hard to portray.

I think I was even sleeveless in that photo. He rang me and practically screeched in response.

Why would you send me this? You look ill. Are you okay? I really don't like it. You don't look like you. It's really bad. You look bad.

I remember laughing and a genuine smile spread across my face. He couldn't see past this bad picture but I could.

I knew there was more to me, than just this imperfect display. I hide myself away, not because I'm ashamed.

Everything I do and say is on my terms, not yours. There is a freedom that you can't steal away from me.

Don't analyse me, the shadows are my friends. 

I cut my hair short again, just above my shoulders and tomorrow I'll put curlers in, put makeup on, put an outfit on and shine.

You may not be able to see me, but I can see you. 

A story is plaguing me finally.

Now I'm ready to work on the tales.

#BlogLife323 - Apparently I'm a faux?! Updated

Do you ever feel you misrepresent yourself or others make you feel you are fabricating the truth?

I frequently feel like that..

1. Faux claustrophobia..

Today I was in a lift and now tight spaces can make me feel unnerved. It just felt like there was no air at all, and I was just telling it to hurry up before I vomited or fainted.

2. Faux disabilities...

I recently got asked when during the day does the pain kick in? I wanted to smack the person because it's not on a bloody regiment.

It doesn't tap me on the shoulder and say......Ahem, the pain shall be commencing at 11.59am precisely, get prepared Mademoiselle.

It doesn't work like that, there are many factors, did I sleep well? Are my bones pre strained already and not rested?

What am I doing today? Staying in or going out? Was I away from home, the day before? All these factors come into play.

3. Faux dyslexia..

I've always had it, where I read sentences in my head aloud so it's like my brain has auto correct and replaces my spelling mistake or word with what it should be, not what it is.

Takes me a couple of reads to actually spot some errors and go back and correct them.

4. Faux dysphagia

I had to look this up. It means swallowing issues and I've had that all my life too.

I was taught I should only have a drink after or before eating but never during.

I kept trying to follow the rules but my throat closes up and I need to keep drinking before, during and after the meals to keep it relaxed and open.

Otherwise I feel like I'm choking, about to throw up and there is this uncomfortable, excessively dry tightness.

I can't actually think of anymore and food is calling but can you relate? Are you a faux?

I'm trying to mix up my routine so some foodie reviews coming tomorrow, unless something dramatic happens and I bump the post but highly doubtful.

I predict the rest of the week will be quiet. None of these have been formally diagnosed so they have all been ignored and I'm made to feel I exaggerate!