#BlogLife397 - Challenges of upcoming December

I have been using Yahoo mail forever now. I like the layout and it's easy. I only signed up to Protonmail for the randoms, penpals and for this blog.

They were vague when they said they were changing and I didn't know whether I had to re-sign up and pick a new email.

I didn't do anything and then they emailed me to say, I didn't need to alter my details, just to sign in at the new location and I bookmarked it and that was it. Phew.

I did a lil side project and was just paid £10 Amazon for it so that was handy. 

I know what I'll get mama for Christmas as even over the phone she sounded excited about it, even though she downplayed it.

As well as cash, which was requested, I'll get her a Just Eat (food delivery service) voucher for when she can't be bothered to cook. 

Her latest craving is Sri Lankan food so although I feel like she's been curbing her expenses, I think she'll appreciate it.

She said she's planning to go to Canada for January and I know she's missed travelling so that will be great for her. She's going to spend time with her mama for two weeks and chill for a while.

I'm trying not to think about the Christmas get-together as I don't know who else will be there and it's stressful enough at the moment.

Aw I'm going to miss my blankie, so nice curling underneath it and dozing in the afternoons. It's a bit too heavy to pack.

I don't really nap while I'm there but now I guess I'll have my own room, so it'll be more convenient, especially when my insomnia tends to be overstretched.

Lack of sleep leads to crankiness and lack of creativity. I may go on another hiatus, I haven't decided..

Oh and I was thinking I should challenge myself to compose another Christmas short story before the year is out...

I have no idea what to base it on. Eeek. Plus if I do travel home. I have got to find a way to ignore the verbal abuse.

The constant critiques and put downs. That drives me nuts and leads me to be depressed.

I'm not sure how to do that either. I'll have to make a plan eventually. As it's getting mentally destructive, even more so now.

On a plus note, I've just done a whole new shopping haul. Yes, I know I said I was stopping but it turns out I needed a few extra things.

Four tops, one skirt, one/two trousers the offer wasn't clear but at least those will be shorter. 

I was able to pick the length and I always go for 29 inches for the inside leg, so it's a lil longer than necessary but not swimming on me.

A glue stick as I hate licking envelopes, yuckity, ick plus Murine eye drops as the other one is finishing and my eyes feel so dry.

Some of the tops look so Christmassy so that's exciting. Oh and I bought a new ultra soft purple cotton hand towel.

The only thing left is some hair clips. I can't decide which ones to get, so I'll leave that for now.

I'm kinda hustling because at the end of the month is a new postal strike. Eeek.

#BlogLife393 - Sizing myself up

As I've shopped through a few different stores and I've gotten the same result, I have to conclude that I have gone down a dress size or two.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because it's a mind kerfuffle. 

As soon as I make progress with weight loss, I sabotage myself and add calorific foods to my shopping basket.

It's a good thing downsizing, it means that what I'm doing is working. The gentle exercising, the healthier options, less evening snacking.

The 8pm cut off point. I just don't want the outside voices to influence me.

I accidentally let it slip to my mama and she was overjoyed which annoyed me because she has been the one that has always nagged me to present myself like other slender visions.

I don't want to people please or let myself be talked into what other people think I should look like so it's tricky.

It's like every time I get smaller, I'm saying they were right to harass me into feeling bad about myself and not accepting my own widely feminine shape.

I just need to remind myself that I am doing this for me. I want to be healthy. 

I want clothes to fit me better so that I don't have to wear baggy oversized versions but more tailored and curve inducing garments.

I would like to squeeze into a seated area in a restaurant and not feel it's cutting into my tum tum.

Maybe the nausea and other pmt/pms related symptoms would have less of a long lasting intensity?

I know that all the shopping sprees helped to point out that I loved fashion but I stopped shopping somewhat because of how it made me seem frumpy.

But now that I've gotten these wonderful new outfits. I feel more me again.

I don't want to hide away as much as before but I'm not exactly saying check me out either.

I'm just content with adding splashes of colour here and there. 

Now I just have to take the plunge and purchase something in the new size and see how it looks on me..

#BlogLife92 - Dating while being plus sized

Each of us are different sizes and if you are like me your weight has fluctuated over the years. I have never had an easy time dating and that was for a whole heap of reasons.

Lying

Cheating

Confidence

Weight

Trust

I notice now more prominently that there seems to be extreme attitudes for men when they hear or see that I am not slim.

Either I will attract the type that have the obsession with me staying big and want to facilitate that and encourage me to pile on even more weight.

Which is unappealing because I would like to be healthier and slimmer and I don't want someone obsessed with my weight and only seeing that in me.

It's really offputting because there are other sides to me too. Yes it is great they accept the abundance of me but it should matter what I want and how I feel.

Then there are the kinds where, I sound good on the surface but in reality..

It's like hmmmmm, well yea I didn't want you to be skinny but you are more than I thought you were and are you trying to lose weight and what steps are you taking and is that enough  etc etc etc..

I don't want that either, because although they claim to want someone with curves and a full figure, what they really want is someone slim who is also shapely.

Not someone like me who is overweight but with curves too. There is a huge difference and being a shortie doesn't help.

I guess I want the impossible, someone to take their cues from me and say, Look what is it you want? I am attracted to you, I like your personality.

I like hanging out together, I would like to get to know you further and as for your weight.... All I want is for you to be truly sincerely happy and confident, so decide what that is and I'll support you.

I hate the word diet

I think about food constantly, hence why I've written about this topic in several posts. Unfortunately diets will always be judged by people around you. 

 

Sad but true. Unless you are overweight you have no idea what goes on in a dieters mind. 

 

I ended up being so self conscious about eating even regular portion sizes that I stopped eating in front of people. I literally trained myself not to feel hunger when I wasn't alone.

All eyes were always on me anyway, watching what I selected, making snide little comments that were apparently said in jest..

 

Yea right, but the funny thing was those same people making cruel comments were the same ones annoyed that I wasn't munching with them.

It got critical. I started calorie counting and wouldn't eat anything over a hundred calories and from then started skipping meals and even days. 

 

There was another diet which talked about balance. If you overindulged on a Wednesday afternoon, then later on at dinner, you just ate a minimal meal.

I cut out all snacking and just had one or two meals a day but then found myself unable to maintain it so ended up gorging on a multipack. Just between you and me, I only ever stuck my fingers down my throat once.

 

I knew that I loved food to much to completely give it up and being a shortie, the weight just piles on everywhere more noticeably.

I hated purging and thankfully wised up and never did it again. I finally just realised that I needed a lifestyle overhaul not a pointless diet that I couldn't keep, filling me with guilt. 

 

I started making changes right there and then. Switched from white bread to wholemeal. From fizzy drinks to flavoured water. 

 

From hot sugary, biscuit dunking, delicious smelling coffee to water. I still miss coffee but I found myself just making it at times purely to dunk digestives or hobnobs into it.

I'm laughing as I remember the transition to plain ice water. I couldn't stand lukewarm but ice water went down smoothly. 

 

Whenever I visited my aunt, her face was so horrified in the morning. She got so mad at me for drinking water instead of coffee :D

I did briefly experiment with black coffee but I found that disgusting. Plain water was too bland for me but sugar free flavoured water is actually so refreshing. Huge fan of the Volvic selection.

The biggest thing for me was sugar. I have a huge sweet tooth and figured I couldn't indulge anymore but so that I don't ever binge anymore, I buy a single pack and just absolutely savour and enjoy it with minimal guilt.

Now I look at a lot of vegetarian, vegan and fish options to fill my meals. I also look at the healthier options of foods and find most of them if you shop around and try different brands aren't compromising on taste.

I'm never giving up chicken, it's too damn tasty but eating less meat was easy. I try to listen to my body now and for the most part just eat when I am really hungry. 

The other thing that was critical was how I saw myself in the mirror. Curvy or slender I started to find areas I liked so no matter how my weight fluctuated I could always focus on those areas.

Find a way to treat yourself that doesn't involve food. For me it was beauty treatments. Pedicures/manicures/facials/scalp massages. Makeup and clothes. 

 

It really boosted my confidence and made me feel better about myself which was key because when I was younger and slimmer, I still had zero confidence. Now that I'm bigger I have more self worth because I worked on my body and mind.

Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I feel self conscious but the kinder I am to myself and the more effort I make to choose smart healthy choices is the better I cope.