#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.

#BlogLife229 - Discord distortions

The fragile itty bitty male egos are at it again. Just as I thought everything was brushed under the carpet, this drama is unfolding.

I am staying out of it because I couldn't care less but it's funny how it's spiralling.

I think I mentioned it before, that there was some tension. A misunderstanding and someone got his butt hurt that he wasn't looked up to and revered. 

I did try to make him feel appreciated and he said he didn't want people admiring him and yet, when noone pays attention, he throws a big tanty and quits the group.

He made this whole dramatic speech about leaving and then he was still lingering around.

I thought to myself, he doesn't want to go, he cut off his nose to spite his face and regrets quitting.

Now anyone else would say. Listen chums, I've been hasty and sorry I overreacted but at the time, I felt a bit persecuted, however now time has passed, I'm fine.

Can I rejoin? But this way, it's like people are making assumptions and making out like he was vilified and chased out the group.

If I was in charge I would have been peeved at the assumption but my friend the leader, sorta made things worse for herself by mistake.

I don't know if these people are kids or adults. My guess is 2 year olds according to their actions.

My questions would be......

1. Didn't you quit yourself?

2. If you think this group mistreats people, what are you still doing here?

3. What's changed that you're willing to return?

4. Don't you think you should clarify that you were hyper-sensitive and overreacted and noone is really at fault for your quitting???

But hey that's just me. Men are another subspecies. I reckon he's glad and wanted to people to just fight and say no no no, you belong here, stay, we need you (vomit).

Instead people said, it's your choice, take care of yourself, ta ta.

Dear create-a-holics, sorry I'm late to the party..

Evening or should I say morning as it is 1.10am? I was a lil tired but now my brain wants to write. I took the plunge and tried something new. I'm struggling with the nuances of the game. 

Looney Tune World of Mayhem. I watched some YouTube clips and then heard the magic word. Freebie, actually correction, it was more like giveaway. 

I joined the discord community and entered. I've never signed up to discord before and had no interest. I thought it was microphone orientated and that put me off.

I was expecting a thriving group but it seems a lil dead. No real answers but regular competitions. It got me thinking about other topics so I browsed for bloggers and found very few.

Those listed were not suitable and the one that looked promising was also lifeless. Grr. I'm still not that far along in my ongoing quest. 

I've found one blog I enjoy and infrequently comment on. I've joined one Facebook blogging group that I'm not active in and Google is not helping at all.

I've decided that instead of a place which serves as a tool for building blogs. I would much prefer to connect with bloggers to see how they find it. Just a non spam place to talk in general.

Partly about writing but mostly a variety of topics. I keep Googling and there are just pages of techniques on how to be successful.

What about something for the low key amateurs? Who don't want to take over the world or be in the blinding spotlight? 

If you are a personal blogger, feel free to leave your link in the comment section for me to peek at. Just please include something about it. 

I actually wouldn't know how to do that myself. I would spend half an hour on the wording alone. I like reading about health, weight, dating, writing, beauty, competitions and just life in general. 

It helps if the person doesn't take themselves too seriously and injects some wit. I spoke to my mama tonight and she apologised for not reading my book yet.

I'm not bothered at all to be honest. The reason I sent her the link was mainly because the last piece of writing she asked me to share I adamantly refused.

It was too personal. I don't think I've told her about the blog either. I definitely wouldn't share that. It's my place to vent without worrying or holding back. 

I felt I owed her and I didn't actually mind her reading it. The only issue is.. There are some scenes which are the reason I made it mature.

I doubt she'll ever have the time to read it. She is super busy constantly at everyone's beck and call. That would stress me out completely but she enjoys it. 

I am somewhat curious to know if she would genuinely relish it though. The new book has two chapters written and I didn't want to do anymore this weekend.

I just felt like chilling out.