#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.