#BlogLife821 - Uncomfy that you're too comfy..

I thought I would try another de-stressing method and that was to go back on chat and converse with the crazy randoms.

Some of it was fine and other chats were unpleasant. I did see GE/J and he asked the right questions, how was I doing and what was happening.

I mean I wasn't about to share but it was still nice to be asked. For me very few people are trustworthy enough for me to bare my soul with.

I decided to hell with the judgements it's 2025 now and when asked what's my profession? I just said I don't work but I do write and blog daily.

I mean to be honest I don't publish daily but I do find that I'm writing almost every day, it's continuous and I'm dedicated to it, so I see it as a job, but not a chore.

And not as some men say a "hobby." I'm consumed with being creative and it's not meaningless to me.

It's my life.

That was kinda major for me because in the past and still now, when I said I wasn't working...... These were the assumptions..

Oh you're a millionaire?

Oh you're a prostitute?

Oh you're a golddigger?

And I don't feel the need to justify myself and say, Well no, actually I'm severely ill with multiple health issues that impact my daily life and limit my actions throughout the day and night.

The other assumption was that my writing must be stupendous for me to be a lady of leisure.

Incorrect I'm just bloody careful with money. I live within my means.

And although I would love to be a talented writer. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that level.

What I do know is I like my way of sharing tidbits. I like how it unfolds.

I hope it's engaging. I hope that you want to come back for more but I don't assume I'm so great that it's addictive.

Anyway I did get talking to someone new and he didn't ask the personal questions, which I was relieved about.

We mostly just joked around and had a laugh but then he got a lil too comfortable with me and started doing the jokey insults.

I don't mind being teased but insults are a different story. He started calling me dumb, bitch and other things.

That's not all in good fun humour, that's more I don't respect you and you're beneath me and I'm laughing at you.

Which are extreme button pushers for me. I repeatedly told him, not to use those terms and he carried on so for the last time today.

I've outlined it and said, If you do it again, see what will happen to you, which means a permanent block.

But I shouldn't have to repeat myself and why is it a go-to thing to tear a woman down and make her feel bad?

Why couldn't he have said something less hurtful? So eventually he apologised and said he read my tone wrong, thought I was alright with it.

And I thought, Hmm, well it is open to interpretation online but I still felt I was pretty clear.

Then things get a lil uneasy between us but as soon as he makes peace and things return, he reverts back to the same name calling.

You see I don't understand that. I've told him I don't like it and also it seems like he's only happy being flirty.

When I steered the conversation into hobbies and interests, it felt like effort.

It should have flowed but it was so unnatural. Then he repeated the same question back to me.

Couldn't you have thought of another topic? Then after I answered, he went back to flirting lol.

Why do I have to constantly teach men how to behave towards us women?

Well I saw him tonight and things came to a head. It's like on one hand he's making the effort and then on the other hand, says I have a low opinion of you.

That was the final straw and I said, You seem to just love being nasty to me and I've had to keep telling you to knock it off, whether it's jokey fun or serious.

I don't feel sad by his comments, more annoyed. I prefer relaxing silly chats, not someone coming for me.

Maybe with the next woman he will readjust his attitude or carry on just being the same.

I didn't give him time to apologise or make amends because frankly I had this conversation over and over and you either learn from it or repeat the mistakes.

And I warned him if he carried on, there would be consequences.

That's what chat life is, good and bad but sometimes, you get a good chuckle.

Oh and I definitely did retaliate back with the meanness. When called a bitch, I call them a boring bastard!

Equals the playing field, but again, I don't want to be tense and rowing, I just want to have a decent chitchat and unwind for the evening, cast my worries aside temporarily.

He seemed to be doubly invested, which makes it odd, the way he was talking to me.

But again this whole thing reminds me of back in the day, when I didn't like myself that much and I attracted this sort of character from friends and potential love interests.

At first they played nice and were complimentary and then I let my guard down and it was ruthless character assassinations.

They wanted to keep me down so I didn't realise I could do better and form healthier relationships.

I guess I want to say to you, be careful who you have around you and watch out for people that are nice on the outside but keep attacking you slyly and pretending they are joking or accusing you of being too sensitive.

Lots of duplicitous snakes around masquerading as honourable people.

And you don't deserve that at all. I didn't and still don't!

#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.

#BlogLife18 - How do you know when you've found the one?

Relax! I'm not about to dole out dating advice... Though if that's what you want. I could try.. But what I mean by the title is. 

Q1. How do you know if you have picked the right Blogging Group?

All I keep hearing since I emerged from the shadows and joined social media was find, pick, choose a group. Different people have recommendations but I haven't seen any specifics.

As I said on Twitter. I just quit the one I joined and should have done it ages ago because it wasn't the right fit. (Side note, why are viscount biscuits so good)?

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic as when I hear the word group. I think about get-togethers and a more friendly atmosphere where people are talking and joking.

That was not my experience. It was random questions from bloggers, which was expected, except that the monetary type questions were addressed and the personal ones, not so much.

It was also I found more of a cold environment. Follow for Follows, Comments for Comments. Look I get that it is about sharing your work, having it recognised and getting attention. 

Alright. Congratulations. You have a whole bunch of shallow comments and follows. Truly well done. Your blog isn't so empty anymore.

Wonderful, marvellous, fantastic. Only one issue. It doesn't mean a damn thing! It was all obligation and reciprocity but maybe you're accepting of that.

Your argument could be. Listen SS, I just needed to get going and now visitors can see how popular I am and they'll be more inclined to get involved and I'll continue to grow. Blah blah!

You know what mystery person I'm talking too? You could be absolutely correct. What do I know? My blog family is yet to grow to it's potential..

But every single sweet one of those people, are here because they want to be. Not because I'm commenting on their blogs or following them.

They checked my page and decided hmm. You know, not bad at all. I'll see how it goes and subscribe or bookmark the site. Now I may not be as "beloved" as you seemingly are..

But I sure am not surrounded by fakes! My value in myself continues to grow. Can you say the same?

(Hmm this is the second BlogLife that has turned out ranty. Not intentional but maybe it is a hormonal thing. I'm having bad cramps, nausea and tiredness at the moment).

I'm not here to make your decisions for you or tell you not to join a group. I am saying the annoying thing is I am going to be known as the Runaway Blogger..

As I'm going to have become a member of loads of them and then leave to find something more me.

I'm not a new blogger but neither am I established. I am somewhere in between. The best advice I saw was look at the details.

Look at the rules, the numbers of participants and how often they post. At least that will be a start. I didn't even know Facebook recommended other groups to follow.

I've never really done that before. I did it for a game, to get advice but that is it. I'm sorry that I can't give any answers but it is a learning curve for me.

I can only share my journey and maybe you will relate or understand me better. Bahaha I just thought of something. 

I expect I'll be rejected from a few of them due to my blog not being picturesque or profitable. :D

*Shrugs*

Fancy joining me in a pizza party?

I don't know if you have ever tried garlic chicken pizza and it might sound odd as a flavour but it is creamy and delicious, so that is what I having for an early dinner.

Happy Easter to all of you :) and save me some chocolate because I didn't buy any eggs. The only type I really fancied were the mini ferrero eggs and I couldn't see them :(

Q2. I know I'm being nosey but what are you up to for Easter?

A) I was going to go away but it didn't turn out that way.

B) Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting for wabbits. But it's duck season. No it's wabbit season. No it's Elmer Fudd season....

C) It's all about the feast. I have prepared delicacies and I have my hidden stash of chocs hidden in three different places so no-one can get their greasy mitts on it.

#BlogLife17 - I want to be a blogger!!!

I know, I know, you're thinking I've made a typo because I'm already a blogger. I'm no expert on the subject but this is my point of view about undertaking BlogLife. 

I composed this last night, while trying to sleep. My brain was like....No no no and pick your phone back up. Your brain wants to play.

Switch the wifi back on, un-dim the screen and write what I tell you! I think it's interesting and unique because I haven't really seen anything like this before or as in depth.

Decide if you want to be a public or private blogger because that is really important so many accounts are linked up to social media, you can be discovered or even out yourself.

Are you going to vlog or write? It depends what platform you are most comfortable in. You could do both. Vlog means video blogging.

What are you going to convey? Are you going to address one main theme or have a couple? When people are having a gander at your profile, they are going to want to know what and who you are all about.

Where are you going to do it? Twitch, youtube, blogger, tumbler, medium, livejournal? The list is endless. You could join one and stick to it or experiment with a few?

If you're like me and choose anonymity, you're gonna need to re-register with your social media accounts. That means a new Facebook, Twitter and email account. 

It is exhausting switching between multiple accounts. I finally deleted my main Twitter and created one for the blog and books.

Be realistic. It is highly unlikely you'll be an overnight sensation so be patient, keep sharing and honing your voice because the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be.

Send friends, family or both your links. This is dependant on who you are at ease showing your work too? If it's sensitive material, you might not want people you know to read it.

Be committed. I'm not saying drop your friends, partners and hobbies.. I'm saying put aside some time each week or fortnight and produce something substantial..

Which is tricky because as soon as you hit publish, you'll immediately want to delete it. You'll think I should have done this, said that.. 

Made it longer, shorter, more detailed, fancier, had a better title. I could go on but you get the point. You'll see hopefully each project you create gives you a bigger boost.

Don't get bogged down looking at the stat page and think why are the numbers empty or low?

It's early days. Maybe you need an objective opinion, ask someone to look your page over or watch a video of yours and give honest feedback.

It's the end of the day. Switch your brain off, leave your blog or channel alone and detach yourself. (I really need to take my own advice). :D

You can't be trying to create or panicking about not being inspired you'll become disheartened and burn out. Have fun, read, watch something or go hangout with someone.

Ask advice if you need too but don't let anyone alter your vision. You know what you like and are going for, stay true to it.

It's acceptable to make tweaks for an improved experience but don't get talked into a something you're not keen on.

Explore other blogs, not just because you hope they'll become a fan of yours and comment back but solely because it's so interesting reading another perspective. 

Plus if you're lucky you'll make friends and you'll realise. I don't feel so alone anymore. There's kinda a buzz when you comment and the creator responds.

Though they aren't obligated too, it's always fun to read their responses.

I almost forgot to mention, please set up your subscriber feed properly. People want to incorporate reading your blogs at a convenient time, so let them.

Just a few things that I didn't really think about when I was starting out so I thought it might help someone.

Thank you to my followers on here and on Twitter for continuing to support me and follow me on my twisty turny journey :D

Eeek my addled brain forgot the questions. Why didn't you remind me?

Q1. What would be the title of your autobiography?

A) My crazy so-called life.

B) I'm a poet and I don't know it.

C) It's none of your beeswax, put my book down, you creeper!

Q2) What is it that makes you so darn lovable?

A) That's easy. I'm modest. I'm brilliant. I'm funny. I'm down to earth. I'm entertaining. I'- (Ok, enough, we get the picture).

B) I'm a great listener. I don't just nod and agree with everything. I take my time, concentrate, limit distractions and support people.

C) Purleaseee as if you have to ask. Look at me. Check me out. I'm the complete package. Gorgeous, moreish and not at all boorish!