#BlogLife742 - Avoid me? Self red tagged and flagged

Good evening or morning, depending on the time you're reading this but actually it's the afternoony.

Last night I was watching asmr youtubey videos to relax before bed and I saw one about types of people to avoid dating.

And curious me, thought, I bet some of my traits are listed and low and behold they were.

Someone said avoid the friendless, just because they are loners that's no excuse not to socialise, everyone needs people around them or some nonsense...

I only have online and not real world friends and that's based on all the experiences that I've had, surrounded by users out for themselves and their needs.

I think that's a huge assumption, all of us independents are needy and attention seeking and don't have people skills because we don't have fans around us.

Alright to play Devil's advocate I have spoken to a wide array of people and some are like that, but not all.

So am I to be avoided? I personally don't think so. I'm just careful about what information I share and the speed at which I'm comfortable around strangers.

I do concede I have an excess amount of baggage. The need to feel physically and emotionally safe in my sociable surroundings.

The need to limit any physical touch because I would be on edge, the whole evening.

I'd like to be able to set boundaries and not receive a disgusted look.

I don't want to be forced into a hug or kiss or to tell my life story or personal details.

Those things should flow naturally or not at all. When everyone is relaxed and intrigued and having a good time.

Why must things go at lightning speed? Why do I always feel pressured?

Why can't I be myself, without someone push, push, pushing me?

The lack of patience is off-putting and surprise surprise, not all of us are the same!!

Anyway had to get that off my chest and last night was a disaster.

I had been so careful with my lenses. I had only one contact lens left and no spares.

I was taking it out and getting ready for bed. I thought I had screwed the lid down, after I had placed it inside.

But nope I didn't and as I tipped the case, the lens flew somewhere mysteriously.

I used the phone light and squinted and felt the bed but no sign of it.

In the morning, where there was more natural light, once again I scoured the area and no joy.

You need your bloody contacts lenses in, to see properly. There is very lil hope of finding them without it.

I am down to wearing my glasses. I have one pair and it's so weird to use them.

I'm allergic to wearing them for one. My ears have this burning sensation after a while.

Luckily today is fine, although I am getting a headache. Plus ugh, I forgot how much I have to push them up my nose.

They always slide down ugh! Then there is the overall vision loss, which is 50% worse with glasses.

It's almost like someone has smeared gloopy liquid on them, you can still see, but not well.

Whereas contact lens, give the most freedom and clarity and sharpness.

It's not a perfect solution, where the short-sightedness no longer bothers me, I still struggle to see far away, signs, buses etc.

But it's the best that my eyes can be. Where I am, there are two buses that are similar.

Let's say it is 00 and 01. I can't tell them apart until they are almost nearly in front of me.

With the glasses, I am not even sure I will be able to see it at all.

Makeup is going to be tricky and the brow wax strips, I'm not sure how I can do that with my glasses in the way.

That also means no sunglasses protecting my sensitive eyes and when the sun is shining brightly, I can't see in front of me at all.

Will the spares ever arrive, it's now been 6 weeks. What if I am stuck like this having partial vision??

What if the glasses break or I lose them? That would mean blindness.

I can only make out shapes, not details. I have no backup so I feel uneasy.

I keep wanting to take them off, it's just so unnatural wearing them longterm.

I raced to get contacts as soon as I was 16yr and I think it still took a while.

As much as they burn my eyes, and sting them and are uncomfy, I would not survive without them.

Getting contacts was almost like seeing for the first time. I miss that :(

#BlogLife344 - Unsuitable Mr Suit

I think chatting with a random was another way to calm my troubled mind, it helped somewhat.

He was a fly by night Mr X. He wasn't keen on sharing his name, which in the beginning, I can sort of understand but several chats later when eventually I would probably end up spilling my name and he wouldn't..

Would definitely infuriate me. He also seemed to struggle with basic conversation when it was on chat. On the phone he was fine, it's a lil unusual for it to be that way around.

I did the test and clammed up a bit and he really just floundered, until I resumed talking.

That's not ideal for me. I need the interaction to flow and I do not want to be leading and talking all the time, no fun for me.

Also he mentioned taking drugs and I am very anti-drugs for recreational use because of my family. I have no interest in being around someone who uses it, casually or habitually..

It would make no difference. I want nothing to do with it. I think that was the main reason I just ended it. I was looking for an excuse and he gave me one.

He had a delightful voice, he could be witty at times, I did laugh and he was able to switch between serious and lighthearted easily.

But the other thing that really put me off him was the harshness. Oh actually two things, oops.

He's not remotely complimentary and I wasn't fishing for praise but there wasn't any niceties at all, which is a no-no.

The thing with being like that is, it kinda makes the criticisms, that much meaner.

"As long as you find yourself amusing, that's all that matters."

Which I find insulting because my humour is a very vital part of me.

I use it to lessen the emotional/physical/lifelessness of my daIly existence. I need someone on my wavelength that understands me so I don't have to explain my silliness.

I was constantly trying to distract myself from being haunted and the flashbacks that have been nonstop for the past few days.

Sure I can be serious and I have no problem with that but a huge part of keeping myself strong and not depressed is sharing jokes and being immature selectively.

When someone else is like that to me, it's like a huge burst of energy and I don't feel so burdened and overwhelmed.

His excuse was that it was hard to read the tone on chat but honestly, these were very basic bantering giggles, that should have been picked up on.

I'm not expecting everyone in the world to understand my crazy wit but get a sense of it, at least and don't ask me to decipher what I'm trying to say.

#AgonyLife6 - Dear SS My new penpal and I don't mesh personality wise, help me woman!!

Wow, calm down, there is no need to make a drama out of this. Sit down quietly with your vimto. You've run out? Okay lucozade then and sip it while I ponder your dilemma.. 

Could it be a simple misunderstanding, maybe a culture clash or maybe a trigger word of sorts?

Is that all you have, all your worldly wisdom and this is what you ask? Hmm. It's none of those things actually mz-thinks-she-knows-it-all.

He is from the UK same as me. Bang goes your theory. What else do you have?

Hmm. Somebody got out of bed on the wrong side today, didn't they?! Do you think you'll keep butting heads or is this a minor skirmish you can navigate around carefully?

Honestly what bothers me the most, is that he was joking along these certain lines and had no problem with it whatsoever. The moment I add something........

All hell broke loose. He was mortified, offended, pouting, shocked and rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb, outraged!!

I just find it hypocritical and not sure I want to spend the rest of my interactions with him carefully choosing my words. Where is the fun in that??

It put me off and I decided to send a polite email apologising and terminating the trial because I am a jokester. I need someone thick skinned that can take it and give it back to me.

His reply made me laugh, he excused me of being sensitive. Hah!! That's funny coming from mr humourless. 

A really vital part of my life is trying to make the most out of my day, while coping with being ill and stressed. I need to laugh at things and poke fun at myself because it's just so depressing otherwise.

I choose to be kookie, upbeat and positive, that's my thing. It works for me and helps my day go without hiccups so anyone that can't handle it.

I just feel relieved if they are out of life.

Ahem. Look, this column is called Dear SS, not fix the issue yourself. What is left for me to do now?

Shish try to help someone and they end up fixing their own mess, I mean why do I bother.

Pfft........Amateurs!!

(Craftily has an aha moment..) ;D Glad I inspired you to work it out for yourself. 

I'm back, wooop :D

#BlogLife112 - The worst thing you can say to me is....

I don't have time for you..

I already feel invisible and unheard, therefore this is not a new concept to me and I won't be waiting around.

There are some nice women here, maybe I'll just invite one of them back to mine.. 

Again I've been predominantly cheated on from most of the guys I have dated and I'm expecting it at this point. We are not a couple or tied to each other but you better believe I am assessing your behaviour/words.

Be your easy going self immediately.. 

I think or hope I've gotten to the stage where I'm not a wreck before a date. I'll just feel apprehensive.

However I'm sure when the moment arrives, some nerves may get the best of me and if that happens I'll be choosing my words carefully and may not be as friendly.

I'll also be looking for signs that you are not having a good time and wish to cut it short. 

I don't want to hangout with someone who doesn't appreciate my glorious companionship. 

I was just joking..

The issue with saying this is, that the damage is already done and I am spiralling. You have sown the seeds of doubt in my head and now I just wonder even more about my significance in your life.

I guess my point in all this is that, my life will never be straightforward and although I am still not looking for someone to be in my life.

I am looking for traits. I don't want to be an afterthought or a first thought. I only want to be allowed to grow and figure out my role in a potential relationship.

I don't want to be judged or misunderstood. I want to share and not have it turned around. You know the real honest to goodness reason that I let people take the lead and outline the terms....?

Is because I choose it that way. I'm aware of what they are doing and I accept it because it benefits me! The other times when I feel manipulated, will be the time that I push back and refuse to cooperate.

I will stand my ground and fight or leave because that is in my best interest. Just be aware.......When you think you are in control.....You really are not.

I don't like men I can walk all over but I also don't tolerate men that think they can force me to act or speak according to their whims.

Only I get to decide that, never you!

#BlogLife55 - Approaching the unapproachable

If I describe myself I would never use words like popular or self assured or untrustworthy.

I would rather just be straight forward. I am prickly, reserved and disconnected. 

It actually surprised me that although I wasn't a people person. I am pretty damn good at reaching more than half the people that request me.

I figured out why and that is because I don't or I choose not to give any or much of myself away. I can be there. I can be useful and we can brainstorm.

But I am not turning myself inside out for you and I am not giving any further reports. We are not friends or acquaintances so I am invested but not completely.

If you are curious about the ones that I don't assist? Those are the ones misusing the app for dating/flirting/hookups/lewd behaviour.

Also some bark questions or they seek advice without wanting to explore the problem. I can do my best but if you are not willing to meet me halfway and help yourself.

I cannot either...

I think one to one's are less intimidating. Although I held my own also at the mixer and cracked people up.

I just commented on areas that I had extensive experience or knowledge regarding. 

If someone needs answers I can provide that without pressure. 

I think the problem lies when someone encroaches on my personal space.

They try to get to know me and in the beginning I can accept that but then I just want to ditch them.

Without realising it, I question everything. That is when the tests play out. 

Do I think it is fair to test someone without warning them? Hmm probably not but it's accurate! 

I do not like or trust people this is why I do this to weed out anyone unsuitable. 

Here are the tests. 

Does this person listen well and retain information I've shared? 

Does this person acknowledge something vulnerable I've told them? 

Does this person initiate and maintain the correspondence? 

Does this person show me I can rely on them and be equally supported? 

Does this person give me space? 

Is this person genuine? 

Does this person understand that I will give off hints and see if they can act accordingly?

Does this person give any of themselves to me? As in, when I ask a question, do they pack details into the reply and go further into different matters?

I can't think of anything else and I would never lean on someone straight away. 

I just wonder if the option will present itself. 

I think I've had so many suffocating and disingenuous people around me that I feel lighter when I'm alone. 

There is nobody clawing at me, demanding this, that or the other. 

I'm an expert bolter. If I'm in a chatroom I can deal with flirting because that is the environment and it's hand in hand with having a laugh. 

If I am anywhere else and someone comes close and they offer friendship I can tolerate that for a while. 

However if they then start flirting and change the dynamic. I do not like it. 

It just went from a safe space to interacting in an unknown territory. 

Now I feel trapped and there is an onslaught of questions and whoever is invading my personal space keeps creeping closer. 

That is when I escape because they have done nothing to reassure me that I'm still safe and that they will respect my boundaries.

I have to feel secure. I need to be able to breathe and wander around freely.

If you are still wondering why my attitude is so extreme towards people and entanglements.. It is because each time someone turns out to be unsuitable..

It just makes me feel bad about myself. I question whether I am lovable or maybe deep down I am just a bad person that doesn't deserve to be happy.

If I feel you are temporary. I will protect myself and start to distance away from you. 

I'm not looking for lifelong friends. I'm not searching for anything to be honest.

But I know that for me to be acquaintances, the above rules apply. 

I will take every precaution to avoid being hurt. As I cannot upset the daily balancing act of my life. 

Being in constant physical pain. Wanting to shut out memories of being in danger. Not sleeping and then when I do reliving the terror of being pursued.

I can only ever give short bursts of time because that is what I am comfortable with. Anymore and I feel you will take advantage. 

Now having said all that which I do not regret. I do wholeheartedly adore you readers because by showing up and being intrigued by my crazy thoughts you support me.

Your interest tells me that it is alright to be who I am and to express anything extreme that I need to, in order for me to heal.

I adore you and I can't thank you enough. I would just like to add one last thing. Don't think for a moment it has escaped my notice, that by you enjoying all the insane posts, you are just as twisted as I am!!!!!

Pfft. I am not buying your sweet and innocent act for a moment. I know there is a lil psycho rage in all of us :D