#BlogLife172 - All eyes on the freak

I'm breathing but I feel choked up. It doesn't feel as though there is any air passing through my lungs.

My hands aren't shaking but panic floods my senses.

I closed my eyes wishing it would depart. All eyes flicker on me.

Is she crazy? Get out of my sight FREAK.

Do you have any idea what it's like to have to involuntarily shut your eyes in the midst of a panic attack?

I can't look forwards because it's unfolding, that trigger I can't bear to watch.

I'm holding on to door, pleading with myself not to collapse.

There is no sense of how I can protect myself from this dangerous element.

I want to see my surroundings and feel safe, knowing where I am but I cannot open my eyes until I know it has passed.

It did but I can hear myself breathing and I feel shaky.

I managed to get my headphones on and listen to music and felt calmer and more in control.

I know that I won't feel normal until I am safely inside my home.

I managed to pick up some tissues, that I still cannot get from Iceland and I had completely run out.

It was 2 for £1 which was quite a bargain. I also selected some pocket tissues for a £1.

Topped up my oyster with £10 because the driver seemed to be in space...

I kept asking him if my card went through and he was staring at me blankly, so I just kept swiping until he eventually nodded.

When I asked my balance from the guy at the til he said minus £1 lol.

I was okay feet/legs wise but I just couldn't make myself go towards the takeout places.

I skipped breakfast and it's 2.08pm. I don't feel hungry as such but like yesterday I am trying to stick to a rough eating pattern and that helps to ground me in a sensible routine.

I went into that special supermarket again. I swear I am addicted, I walked past the bakery selection and wow they looked scrumptious.

I just had no idea, what any of them were. No labels and I felt embarrassed to ask.

I could have picked up desert but I was carrying drinks and crisps in my hands as the basket was too heavy to carry...

My second panic attack came when I realised once again they had moved around the bus I normally take home.

One minute it was showing on the timetable app and the next it was off.

I finally got up and checked the schedule only to see it had switched to somewhere that wasn't clearly marked.

I walked up and down as others were confused and it was just difficult to stay serene.

Eventually I checked on the opposite side and it was there. They have moved it to 2 different places so far.

I pointed out that another stranger was lost, was in the right area and he in turn told me the bus had arrived and was behind the current one.

I hadn't even noticed and had missed several buses while waiting. Grrr.

I feel okay now that I am back home but it was all I could do to stop myself having a meltdown.

No-one said anything mean but it was the looks. I really do feel weird and small.

I can't cope and I admit that freely. My eyes are now swimming with tears and it was a long time coming so that's a good thing.

I am really trying to curb my spending but just this once I might grab a takeaway from Just Eat.

There is a 20% off deal on Tuesdays. It's been yonks since I had a chicken hotdog and a chicken kebab burger. It's just a pity, they don't sell dessert :(