#BlogLife777 - I never feel I measure up enough..

It's 11.46pm at night, I'm not ready to sleep yet. I had a fun chat with L earlier.T apologised for his late reply, ha, honestly I think he expects that I won't tolerate being ignored..

But I don't care if he's late, I care if he's a week or 2 weeks past due.

Although at the moment my mind is weighed down with what's currently going on.

But at the same time I feel hormonally yucky about myself. 

Like I'm just the most unattractive dull person out in the entire world.

T is trying to be flirty but not sleazy and I'm pushing him away saying..

You'd suit someone well rounded and confident..I also said I like the idea of romance and dating but not the reality so I wanna have a sex-free marriage/relationship/involvement lol.

So he replied Relax and that maybe I would learn to be comfy around him.

I personally don't think I'll ever be myself or feel safe around a man ever.

The only times that would change is within fiction or my dreams and I would still find a way to sabotage any potential happiness. 

I would question Why he chose me? What he sees in me?

And more importantly What the hell he expects from me??

At this moment in time, I feel ugly and inadequate. I know also that, the above answers to the questions wouldn't satisfy me.

I always get these complimentary onion crisps with the wings that I normally discard but I thought I would pair it with the chicken burger, nice but strong.

I really should have bought a sauce, even if I wasted it, very dry.

i would eventually ask them all again, scrutinising the responses to compare them to the previous ones.

This mood is somewhat pmt and mostly just truth about how I really see myself, aside from the rare sparkles of self esteem that seep in sporadically..

Well it's 5.23pm on a Saturday night, the sun has gone down, it's been a nice day actually.

I took out the bins and even though I haven't seen or heard the Postie, I thought let me check if there is mail.

There was, on the 30th they are doing smoke alarm checks, which is weird, I didn't think they bothered, but maybe it's a legal requirement thingy for landlords.

Anyway, it arrived, the bulk of the Bank statements and I was surprised, it's really small.

I'm not a wild spender anyway, more a conservative and I thought what is the best way to put them altogether.

Both wouldn't fit into the thin small stupid single envelope she sent me.

She knew they wouldn't all fit, more game-playing. I thought maybe I'll do several envelopes together and add a note, it was all from me.

But the simplest solution was to use the huge padded envelope I bought, put everything including the letter she sent and just add the address, take it to the Post Office next week and then have it weighed and pay for the stamps.

I sellotaped it good but what was funny, was writing the address pierced it, argh, only a tiny bit, but I switched pens and finished it off.

So that all is collected and done. I've done everything she asked and now I know for sure, she will get her damning evidence way before the 1st November deadline.

A week and a half I had left. I'm hoping I get my Universal Credit appointment next week and it will all line up.

I want to pay my bills before they start adding on interest. I just don't know how long they will reduce the payments and to what amount?

What will the verdict be? She'll probably laugh when I said I spent nearly £50 on printouts. Ugh!

I wonder how much the first class stamps will be? £5? Last bit to add, now I know why I'm still craving chocolate and feeling off.

Last night I started my period. Ughhh! I literally just finished a 4 week monthly and now on again.

I really hoped I would skip this month. No such luck! I don't know why the wifi is still acting weird.

It keeps going weak and disconnecting, normally it's pretty good and only acts up in stormy weather.