#BlogLife851 - Functioning poorly

I'm not sure I have it in me to write and put out today's post but I'll attempt it.

My stomach is just all over the place, the nausea is hitting me hard with any movements but I'm slowly persevering.

I managed to change my bed, nice multi covered duvet. Then I took a rest, took out the bins, wiped around the kitchen and bathroom and then gave up.

I like to play music when I clean but I kept switching to the binaural anti-nausea video instead.

Standing upright is doing me no favours whatsoever. I haven't had any news about upcoming appointments, as I checked the post, aside from today's boiler check up.

It's just gone 10amish and he was due from 8am until 6pm I think.

I have to do some laundry soon also but that can wait. I should mop the floors too but that also has to be postponed, until I can stand and not want to vomit.

The Yash herbal lip balm I bought in a squeezy tube I might just have to bin.

The scent is nice, it's moisturising enough but as I squeeze it, it leaks all over and I'm constantly having to clean up the excess,

I will not buy that again for the problematic usage. I will stick to the Joy brand as that has no drama attached to it.

I still feel that tenderness in my chest area, I can't wait for that to disappear.

As I still feel horrendous and the maintenance guy just left, after phoning me he would be arriving soon..

Actually turned out to be an hour later but he was friendly and no issues raised.

I thought I would just do a mini either takeout or lunch order. Finally I saw the chicken samosas in stock and on offer but sadly they ran partially out.

I'm not surprised, they are lovely and I've been craving some, it was supposed to be 3 packs for £4.50..

But only 2 were available so they've charged me £4.40. I can't remember if it was a couple in a packet or just one.

Guess I shall find out as they keep rebranding it, not spicy, just nice mild and well seasoned.

The pizza express dough balls were also on sale, £2 off so I got that too.

Plus some flavoured water, apple and orange separately and some chicken sushi and sandwiches.

Oh and the clean and clear face wash. I am started to hate the beaded one, it doesn't wash off, just sticks to my skin ugh.

Here it goes, Zoom's tracking page has crashed as usual. I just feel like snacking, not a full meal as such.

Ooh that wasn't bad, about 40mins later it arrived. Hmm, they have yet again changed the samosa recipe.

It wasn't as great. I think they removed the peas also. I doubt I will get that again.

The Clearasil wash has a nice enough scent but it contains the dreaded fine beads ugh!

I swear I read the descriptions carefully, they don't mention it and I get it, only to be disappointed.

I think it just irritates combination skin. I'm breaking out slightly, due to sugar and hormones and my skin feels slightly worse.

Although I do feel like it's been deeply cleansed too, I'm not sure I need a moisturiser afterwards.

I'm still using it though as it's still winter-ish although the weather seems nicer and warmer unfortunately.

I miss the rain. I still can't find my glasses after I changed the bed, I wonder if I chucked them away by accident?

It's weird getting up and not putting them on briefly to see my surroundings.

I'm waiting for the Iceland order to arrive, it was nice not getting up at 7ish to answer the door.

Maybe I'll stick to the 10ish time slot.

#BlogLife777 - I never feel I measure up enough..

It's 11.46pm at night, I'm not ready to sleep yet. I had a fun chat with L earlier.T apologised for his late reply, ha, honestly I think he expects that I won't tolerate being ignored..

But I don't care if he's late, I care if he's a week or 2 weeks past due.

Although at the moment my mind is weighed down with what's currently going on.

But at the same time I feel hormonally yucky about myself. 

Like I'm just the most unattractive dull person out in the entire world.

T is trying to be flirty but not sleazy and I'm pushing him away saying..

You'd suit someone well rounded and confident..I also said I like the idea of romance and dating but not the reality so I wanna have a sex-free marriage/relationship/involvement lol.

So he replied Relax and that maybe I would learn to be comfy around him.

I personally don't think I'll ever be myself or feel safe around a man ever.

The only times that would change is within fiction or my dreams and I would still find a way to sabotage any potential happiness. 

I would question Why he chose me? What he sees in me?

And more importantly What the hell he expects from me??

At this moment in time, I feel ugly and inadequate. I know also that, the above answers to the questions wouldn't satisfy me.

I always get these complimentary onion crisps with the wings that I normally discard but I thought I would pair it with the chicken burger, nice but strong.

I really should have bought a sauce, even if I wasted it, very dry.

i would eventually ask them all again, scrutinising the responses to compare them to the previous ones.

This mood is somewhat pmt and mostly just truth about how I really see myself, aside from the rare sparkles of self esteem that seep in sporadically..

Well it's 5.23pm on a Saturday night, the sun has gone down, it's been a nice day actually.

I took out the bins and even though I haven't seen or heard the Postie, I thought let me check if there is mail.

There was, on the 30th they are doing smoke alarm checks, which is weird, I didn't think they bothered, but maybe it's a legal requirement thingy for landlords.

Anyway, it arrived, the bulk of the Bank statements and I was surprised, it's really small.

I'm not a wild spender anyway, more a conservative and I thought what is the best way to put them altogether.

Both wouldn't fit into the thin small stupid single envelope she sent me.

She knew they wouldn't all fit, more game-playing. I thought maybe I'll do several envelopes together and add a note, it was all from me.

But the simplest solution was to use the huge padded envelope I bought, put everything including the letter she sent and just add the address, take it to the Post Office next week and then have it weighed and pay for the stamps.

I sellotaped it good but what was funny, was writing the address pierced it, argh, only a tiny bit, but I switched pens and finished it off.

So that all is collected and done. I've done everything she asked and now I know for sure, she will get her damning evidence way before the 1st November deadline.

A week and a half I had left. I'm hoping I get my Universal Credit appointment next week and it will all line up.

I want to pay my bills before they start adding on interest. I just don't know how long they will reduce the payments and to what amount?

What will the verdict be? She'll probably laugh when I said I spent nearly £50 on printouts. Ugh!

I wonder how much the first class stamps will be? £5? Last bit to add, now I know why I'm still craving chocolate and feeling off.

Last night I started my period. Ughhh! I literally just finished a 4 week monthly and now on again.

I really hoped I would skip this month. No such luck! I don't know why the wifi is still acting weird.

It keeps going weak and disconnecting, normally it's pretty good and only acts up in stormy weather.

#BlogLife701 - Period jinx

Ugh I felt really unsteady on my feet randomly throughout the day and I wasn't sure why..

But after three glorious months without a period I came on yesterday. I feel like I jinxed myself ha.

Then this morning, nothing but the nausea is still present so I'm not sure what will happen.

I got a foodie review for you, as what I'm trying to do is sample different products so that my tum tum doesn't get fed up.

Or items that I haven't had in ages, as I'm trying not to waste food but I have stuff in the freezer that has no earthly appeal whatsoever.

Golden Wonder have these tomatoey based crisps that I had been seeing for a while and I don't like tomatoes but I like the flavouring, just the same as mushrooms.

Somehow blended it's more palatable to me. I've only been craving ready salted but I've always loved the Wheat Crunchies tomato crisps so thought I would give Tangy Toms a try.

It's a lil on the salty side and it's similar to wotsits but a rounder version and crunchier, they are lovely, but tiny so not that filling as a snack.

It's not ridiculously tart just a teensy bit which just makes it different or similar to the Wheat Crunchies actually.

The story that can't be transitioned into a written tale is still plaguing me. It's just moving along all cute and interesting.

But it's too similar to others so it wouldn't work as a standalone fiction piece. It doesn't have enough of a plot.

I'm on maybe my 3rd or 4th sparring match with a Scrabble opponent and they always start off well, a few anyway..

But then they typically annoy me with lazy no effort turns. This one plays really quickly and expects you to drop everything and do the same, night or day..

At first I thought he was a bot lol. He started doing long words, clever plays with high scores but now he is infuriating as he's overlapping all the sodding words so the board shrinks and there is no way to be creative.

I feel like I will block him soon, it becomes less fun and more tedious.

Why do people start off challenging you and then give up?? Who says you have to play immediately or when you're not in the mood?

Take your fricking time and make it enjoyable for yourself and your rival!!

#BlogLife625 - Three week period

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to stop bleeding. My cycle has always been weird and unpredictable but this is ridiculous.

I thought it was finally normalising like everyone else, consisting of just a few days..

But now it's back to the beginning where it lasted nearly two frigging weeks!

I thought with the weightloss that it would help impede the flow and symptoms but if anything I feel worse.

My appetite is still different. Never before have I just wanted bland simple food. I crave variety.

I feel like what I used to like before has no place in my tum now. The only meal I enjoy is the breakfast cheese toasties.

For dinner I switch between fish or meat or chicken but it just doesn't taste good anymore.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I just did another mini Zoom shop as I feel like if I buy a whole load of food to make up the minimum spend I'm going to waste it.

I got some more cheese and bread, toothpaste and wipes and then the lunch deal with sushi and some sprite.

At least I only have to spend £15. I'm binging an old show which never appealed to me when it was first aired.

But now I'm enjoying it. Dr Quinn Medicine Woman. Set in the 60's I think where she faces prejudice as a female and a physician.

It's interesting the remedies she uses and of course the love interest that follows.

I feel my mood shifting where I don't want to do anything or get out of bed but I push myself anyway as I know it will help.

I know that I'm not always going to feel out of sorts, it will pass and improve.

At least there's been minimal nausea and I'm still sleeping deeply which is a rare positive as an insomniac.

#BlogLife621 - I'm now a non foodie

How are you doing? I do hope the break was revitalising. I'm hoping the worst of the pmt has passed.

This morning, had a few hours of sleep but the night was extremely painful crampages.

I had to google some remedies, hot drinks were recommended as were clary sage oil and lavender essential oils.

I think I still have clary sage at home. I didn't really fancy hot chocolate so as weird as this sounds I made plain hot water and sipped that and then balanced it on my tum tum.

I could have put vimto or orange juice inside the cup but it just had no appeal.

I seem to only like the simple basics currently, ready salted crisps, egg toasties, water etc but not fish, beef or chicken.

I even tried to have some poppadom pieces for breakfast but they were too flavourful and upset my belly.

At least Mama's almost fully mended now, just the lethargy continues.

She's integrating back into her routine slowly. It makes me laugh that she's told everyone about her covid status.

That's something I would probably keep private. Regarding the cramps, what finally helped aside from the hot water, heating blankie on my stomach..

Was rest and listening to binaural beats videos, specifically targeted at menstrual cramps and periods.

It's still peculiar to not have a craving. I don't feel like the foodie I am.

My brain is like, eat a proper meal and my tum is saying, I can't handle it and I don't want to waste any food.

I had been looking forward to the fizzy drinks and the savoury dishes and Mama's been patient and asking what I would like.

And all I can say is nothing, I'm eating to survive but that's it. I guess I'm slightly worried that when I'm normal again, I might limit my meals for weight loss but I hope not.

I'm already overall consuming less food and snacking routinely but still dropping the pounds and stones.

But food and me have been through a lot so I will have to keep an eye out.

Usually because I only eat what I'm in the mood for and have learned to appreciate that and without the enjoyment, I question why I bother?

I know for sure I'm fed up with being constantly full as though I've swallowed a basketball.

I want to go back to savouring my treats and general meals. It's only 11.17pm on a Friday night and suddenly I'm not tired.

I am enjoying this film though with Jane Seymour, Perfectly Prudence.

A comedy, a reunited love interest and being pushed out of your comfort zone.

It's old but entertaining. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one.

It surprises me that Mama has no sushi, italian or mexican restaurant choices nearby.

I mean the authentic stuff, not the experimental versions and she's now into pasta ha.

She used to hate it, well possibly not loathe it but she didn't find it appealing.

I guess we all change from time to time. I'm still not sure when to leave, could be this weekend or Monday at the latest.

On Saturday I started to feel a lot more human, meals seemed more bearable.

I had a greek salad with olives and lemon drizzle that tasted great, plus some french fries and one chicken wing, ha.

I just wanted side dishes, no mains. Today, Sunday night, well Monday really as it's 1.17am..

I went back to being bloated, cramping and lots of physical pain, my lower back was in agony. Ugh!!

As it was the last day though I didn't want to hole up in the guest room with a soothing heated blankie, I opted to stay and keep Mama company.

We watched reruns of Keeping Up Appearances and laughed at the lunatic situations she got herself in.

I'm annoyed with myself as although I had a great rest, I stood up to re-align my right lens that was in the wrong position.

Normally I cup my hand to catch it or just lean back on the bed,and blink or move my eyes around to  rectify it..

But nope I stood in front of the mirror, it fell somewhere and we couldn't retrieve it, grr.

So I am only wearing one lens, I hope I have a spare at home. It feels blurry.

I don't feel like doing a huge Iceland shop so maybe a mini Zoom is better until I feel hungrier.

#BlogLife568 - Bare faced

Afternoony all.

How's your day going? Mine isn't so wonderful. I started my period on Saturday and it's light but the pmt is wreaking havoc with my body.

Cramps and nausea are just ongoing. Sleep is very basic and I forgot how drained I become.

Still the weather is nice and chilled, storms come and go and I haven't been using the fan much, but the blankie a lot.

I went into my special shop and picked up some Fanta because I kept feeling like I was going to vomit on the street.

And then I saw some lemon sponge cake, last time was apple and maybe cinnamon and that was really soft.

But I don't have much of an appetite. I'm bloated and I think the sugar cravings have finally gone.

I nibbled but most of lunch will be in the fridge. Ha I left a note to say don't give me anymore peach drinks or relish, thanks anyway.

I hate wasting food/drinks if I can help it. I won't force myself to consume something I really detest.

And I don't know why they give me surplus but it's being binned so I said don't bother and they didn't. Yay!

My hair is back to doing that Charlie's Angels flippy retro thing. It's so random but I love not having to style it and put curlers in.

Just comb it through and it's done. I could not get up today. I probably had a few hours sleep and then kept waking up.

I reset the alarm once and had another hour, or half maybe and then I was still running a lil late.

I didn't put any makeup on because the buses were delayed and I wanted to get out early.

I could have done with my foundation but meh. On the bus I added some plain lipgloss. 

I think I took all the tinted ones out, grr. I think I've done full makeup at the bus stop or even the bus before.

I wasn't bothered, I just wanted to look polished but today, I was fine with it.

A woman said I should be wearing a coat now but I don't think we are quite there yet.

I had to put on my sunglasses today because it was quite bright and I layered up so I didn't feel the chill.

I didn't want to be too wrapped up because I knew my tummy was unsettled and I know the symptoms.

My temperature rises, I feel dizzy and sickly and then puke my lil heart out.

#BlogLife503 - Arrest me.. I'm a criminal...

I probably should have made a big deal about passing yet another milestone.

500th edition of BlogLife recently published but I never know what to do for them anyway.

Plus I'm only an ickle wickle blogger and at the moment my health is deteriorating.

How is all day, daily pmt the norm suddenly?? But I'm happy to be expressing myself and sharing lil bits and pieces with you all.

The nausea is gone, I had a nap after the neighbours finally shut the hell up from the drilling.

But I still feel my stomach is upset or crampy or something. I want a moment's piece to reflect or relax but there are less and less of those.

I feel really really guilty but honestly it was an accident. (I know all masterminds say that but I'm being sincere).

Oh Jesus Christ, the neighbours are at it again. FFS! All fricking day. Bang, thud, drill.

This has been going on since......7/8am and now it's 3pm! I've turned the earbuds volume up and will probably make myself go deaf.

Anyway as usual when I got in I was dead on my feet. I'm so glad I didn't wear a jacket and I need to pack my sunglasses to avoid hurting my eyes next time.

I ordered some sandwiches and some drinks and when it arrived, I was gutted that there were missing items.

The restaurant didn't answer so I contacted Just Eat and got a refund, that was painless.

Sometimes I like getting drinks because everything is together and I don't need to be walking up and down. I can just take it easy.

No drinks were present so I had some pre-made and grabbed a bottle to enjoy with my meal.

Normally I just have some side dishes or fries and that's it. My stomach is full for a few hours.

When I opened the bag that I thought was the sandwich. It was my lucozade.

Plus a complimentary orange juice and a mini sprite. Ugh the company always looks after me and I reported a refund.

Now you know the truth, you can make a citizens arrest and cart me off to foodie jail :(

I order from them semi regularly so they will get their payment, one way or another but I feel bad.

On second reflection, the food quality wasn't that great. Most of it was overcooked/burnt and dry.

Plus loaded with spices. Hmm my conscience is clear. Normally it is so much more appetising.

#BlogLife476 - Why does Dic trigger me?

I decided last night while it was dark and I put away the mirror to trim my hair again, the ends just felt long and Spring is upon us, so why not do a haphazard job?

It always feels uneven, no matter what I do. (Ugh cramps are back). I feel quite sicky today but that's probably because it's nearly 4pm and I haven't eaten.

I opted for more sleep, than to get up and cook breakfast, of which I probably would not have had an appetite that early anyway.

Actually I think I did a good job with the hair, when it was wet, it looked all spikey, I've never really had that before and now it's dry, it looks like short layered floppy, volumed hairdo.

It's just a bit too short for curlers now but I can get away with it, just loose and hair tousled and it looked styled.

I just looked at my calendar and there has been 3 periods this month, mostly lasting half a day to 2 days.

Why can't the pmt be that short? Over the weekend, it wasn't even that cold but my body temperature dropped significantly and I had to wrap the blankie around me on maximum heat for half the day until I was warm again.

While I was waiting for Dic and trying to distract myself from the pain creeping up, sitting down is like, someone is pulling my thighs apart, it's a burning sensation.

Anyway I think I was waiting about 10-15mins and he apologised and I just nodded because it's always half hearted.

It struck me that when I was in all those Consultant/Specialist/GP chairs and I was explaining my symptoms, it was always met with these blank expressions.

I always felt I was a nuisance and because I grew up that way, being ridiculed and told that my opinion doesn't matter, it's doubly worse, when you take that onboard that, my health concerns are not important.

There is this back and forth row in my head, am I making this up? Should I not waste their time and suffer in silence?

Are other people more deserving of treatment?? And empathy?? Am I not entitled to compassion and understanding?

When I used to say to Dic, I'm not feeling well and he would just look at me blankly and say Oh but with no heart behind it, it transports me back to seeking treatment.

Now whenever he asks me, I just mutter I'm okay because there's no point expressing myself to someone that doesn't give a damn.

I'm not expecting him to fall to his knees and say Good grief, stop the presses, let me look after you.

But damn just say something like, that's not good or would it kill him to be nice?

Anyway I got side tracked again as Mama is back and she called, well I missed her call and returned it.

She came back yesterday and was resting up and she bought me back sugar cakes.

That's what we call them, it's coconut cakes with.. I'm not sure if it's sugar cane ingredients but it's quite sweet and delicious.

I'm not big on coconut overall but in certain things it blends really well.

I'm excited for that and I can finally give her the belated Mama's Day goodies, the perfumes etc, the last of which should be arriving this week.

Plus I'm dying to get the laptop charger and see if it works. I have to jiggle this one and hear it crackling which unnerves me.

Hopefully next week, eyebrow shape and pedicures, long awaited beauty treatments.

I just don't feel up to going and it has to be in the morning as more chance I will get a seat on the bus and there will be less congestion.

Apologies again for the lateness of posting this but once again I had a fourth period last night yeesh.

I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep, maybe eventually I got a few measly hours and then woke up groggy, napped and waited for my thoughts to collect so I could write something.

I hope you are all well and I can't wait for these multivitamins to be over so I can go back to having maybe 1 period a month, yeesh!!!!

#BlogLife357 - Premature aging

My stomach is really unsettled today, it's been good and then as I was getting ready to hit the market, it just started flip flopping and I thought for the thousandth time, I really should have hard candy to suck on until it passes.

I just don't want it to melt as it's a waste of money eating a sweet with the wrapper fused to it.

Ooh my food just arrived. I'm gonna watch My Big Fat Fab Life and munch.

I bought a hotdog, fries and some chicken strips with lemon herb coating. When I do hotdogs at home, I never ever did the fried onions thing.

At first I wasn't super keen, maybe because there is a sweetness to them but when I order it, I don't mind if they are on top. I still don't cook them at home though.

I've never tried the chicken strips before, they're not bad. The fries are always crispy and lightly salted which is my preference.

I am stuffed now and the nausea has finally passed. I'm drinking my usual icy vimto with orange blended at the moment.

Oh yea I forgot the orange juice helps with pmt/pms symptoms. My last period I think was June so if I don't come soon, that will be the longest time ever.

3 whole months. I think skipping 2 months was a milestone prior to this. I've never been straightforward.

Pmt signs without a period is still rough though. It's not as intense or long lasting thankfully.

I wonder if cutting out lamb and adding more vegan meals helped?

Talking of food, I did hit my international store and picked up the proper olive crackers, puffy crisps, unsalted cashews ( I don't know why they load the regular with excess salt, ick nasty).

I did fancy some cookies but nothing really appealed. I wasn't craving chocolate and that was all that was basically there.

The takeout place didn't offer desserts so I'll just make do with savoury goodies.

Ooh finally my slippers in my size were in stock. I think it's a dark blue, man-nish type but they are smartest and cosiest so I'm not bothered.

If I'm wearing men's socks, might as well wear their slippers too. Ha!!

I just really feel like an old person, scrambling to get a seat and rest up. The pains hitting me intensely.

The lack of energy to do anything. It took me a few days to open up a tub of food because I just couldn't manage it and felt like I was splitting my nails in two and bruising myself.

I am consciously trying to workout more but this latest wave of exhaustion is making it difficult.

I will persevere though.

#BlogLife65 - My uncommon periods (mature audiences only)

If you are easily squeamish, you can shy away from this one but for the mature amongst you I wanted to have a frank discussion. 

I can't recall exactly when my period started, maybe 11yr or 12yrs old but I was highly developed physically so it made sense.

I think my mama was the same too. I just recall the girls at school all discussing who had started and that tampons was the thing to use because it was a breeze and convenient.

I didn't even know what that was. I probably discussed it later with my mum and just used pads. That area was already delicate..

I did not want to aggravate it further. Plus the whole thing sorta freaked me out. I had heard the stories of it being stuck or being painful.

I think the main reason I have always and still always stick to sanitary towels is because my flow is heavy. No matter what medication I took it was the same.

Only with the pill, it became regulated instead of skipping a month or two months, or getting it twice in a month, Mine were wildly unpredictable.

I had the same conversations, when are you due? I have no freaking idea. If I am due or whether or not it will even happen this month.

The clots always worried me and made me feel self conscious. I leaked through clothes and was afraid to leave the house. 

Doubling, tripling, quadrupling pads was a fact of life, it was not an option. I even used to wear another set of underwear just to keep it all in.

After I stopped taking the pill. I studied up on various so-called remedies but nothing helped. My weight fluctuated but my periods were the same.

Now for the last few months I have had what I describe as regular periods for the first time in ages. I would say the flow was medium.

No clots. Cramps, slight nausea. It's now been a week and I am practically done. I was always the two week girl. Curled up resting and miserable.

My pmt lasted all day and it occurred prior, during and after my periods. It was agony. I cancelled plans, felt uncomfortable and slept even less than usual.

I haven't even been listening to the binaural beats videos. What is different is, I am consciously working out more and orange juice is a staple in my fridge.

Honestly I cannot think of anything else that is different aside from eating less meat and more chicken and fish. I feel like I can actually deal with my periods now instead of falling apart.

Sashay this way

It's been a mixed time for me. PMT has hit me hard and I have been sick quite a bit. It just used to be limited to feelings of queasiness but now I am just vomiting. 

Very unpleasant but that was actually the worst of the side effects. 

Cramps were actually minimal luckily but insomnia was disruptive so I felt all kinds of emotions and resorted to watching the sappiest movies to wring it out of me.

Mother's Day is fast approaching on the 11th March and to be honest I had no idea what to get mum. 

I asked her if she needed anything which is cheating but I like to get practical useful gifts that the person wants but wouldn't necessarily treat and purchase for themselves. 

Luckily today she spotted some beautiful plush boots and when I pointed out that they were also in a red shade (her favourite) she was sooo happy. 

We disagreed on the style for the collar but actually her choice looks quite distinctive to the norm that I have generally seen so I had to buy them for her and of course she said she would pay me back but I jumped at the chance to point out this was my gift to her.

So she is excited and unsure about when they will arrive. Last day for the discount so we had to act fast. I just hope they fit comfortably.