#BlogLife807 - Nothing comes to mind

Although still dizzy I decided to wash my hair today, it was so tiring that my limbs are still aching.

Feels good to be fresh though and I still managed to give a mini scalp massage rinsing the hair oil out.

I'm typing one handed and it's painful. On a good note, my bed socks arrived and my super cute winter nighties.

I'm glad they are a lil thicker than expected, nice and loose and very long.

I might get another set actually. I looked in the mirror and I still don't pinpoint visual weight loss.

It's definitely there as the clothes keep shrinking and a lot are really baggy but would have been nice to see it.

Just the Marks order left now. I had the longest sleep from 2amish to 8am bliss.

Alright just ordered another 2 nighties as they are selling out fast and the discount is still present.

I hope they will last a good while. We had some Chinese earlier rice, chow mein, some wings and complimentary fortune cookies and prawn crackers for later.

Oh and they gave us a discount on our next order, which is nice as they are pricey but always fresh and fast.

Today we had some homemade soup. It was simple but really tasty.

Vegetarian as neither of us fancied meat. Carrots, barley, sweet potato, dumplings, broccoli and probably other things I'm forgetting.

I did think I would miss the chicken but I didn't at all. I think I just feel constantly bloated.

I feel a lil crampy, a lil nauseated but mostly okish. The cold is still there, the rib pain, ever present, my body is still tired and the occasional cracking voice and cough.

But eating regularly helps disguise it. I wouldn't say I was up for going out but the urge to hide in bed, becomes less of a necessity.

It's crazy that she picked a place with no central heating that's overpriced.

I gotta start writing things down, I come up with ideas and then when I have the energy to write them, it's gone out of my head.

Surprisingly we haven't watched many Christmas films, it's been generic comedies.

Tonight we saw some Futurama episodes and I saw some Grace and Favour.

Now that the room has heated up a bit with the blankie and plug in, I should head to bed, it's just gone midnight.

Why do I feel so awake, when I haven't slept at all?? It makes no sense.

#BlogLife806 -Not the break I envisioned

I usually don't get ill with colds or flu anymore. Normally the lemon essential oil halts it before it can worsen.

But this is different. I feel weaker and more susceptible around my time of the month.

I speak in-between coughing fits. I've gone through 2 boxes of tissues.

My head and muscles constantly ache. Mama dug out some cough medicine but it hasn't helped.

It's still hard to get comfy, unless I ignore the sharp pains. My nose constantly runs and I feel dizzy.

I can't think straight at all so writing is that much more difficult. Everything tires me out and is a huge effort.

I'm still munching but smaller sized meals and snacks. If I was at home though, in this state, I probably wouldn't have bothered much to get up and cook.

My throat started burning this morning as I was coughing hard last night and it jogged my memory.

One cure I hadn't tried was simple lemon, honey and hot water to sip on.

That really seemed to help, almost instantly, I could talk without hacking up a lung.

The burning disappeared and I felt less intensive pains, they are still present but my yelping is now quieter.

Compared to the Bakiri tea, Mama seemed to prefer the Aldi one I got her, it being stronger and more flavourful.

However she keeps finding new favourites, so the current star is Royal Chai instant cardamon.

Anyway at least she has options to choose from. It's weird reaching and holding things is so painful, I don't even want to use my phone that much.

I'll just stick to the delicious honey and ride out this infection or flu, until it runs its course and I can go back to dealing with the regular pains.

Oh the nightie that was out of stock just returned so when the new ones come I shall see how thin they are and eventually get the Amazon one.

Mama also got me a pretty mini red or pink plunger so that will come in handy for the sink.

I don't even know if I'll have the energy to use it but it's a handy thing for every household to have.

My face was doing fine but now with this cold, it's all drying up so that probably looks yucky.

Tomorrow night or afternoony we're having Chinese food. It's been a while so that will be fun.

I'm not massively craving food but munching does help with the energy levels.

I guess with pmt also, I do like something sweet or chocolatey every now and then but just a small amount.

I tried the store bought turkey bacon, it's really good, I can't recall the brand but it just needs to be cooked well so that it's slightly crispy.

Oh and I tried the spicy chicken frankfurters from Crown Farms, actually they weren't unbearably hot just a nice kick.

I prefer the original, to me it has more seasoning, it's like this one is pepper and not much else.

Oh and the other difficult thing is my internal body temperature has plummeted so I feel even more cold.

But I've got my thick velvety snuggly robe and Mama has let me use the mini plug in heater and/or blankie if need be.

Oof I wanted to beat my record and publish 2 or 3 more posts before the year finishes, but this is such a struggle already.

I don't think I'll manage, if I could have completed the Christmas story that would have helped.

Oh well I tried. I'm still all over the place and right on queue, my throat is back to being sore.

Well it's nearly 1am and because me and Mama just randomly fall asleep at the same time, during the day with naps, I'm a lil wired.

It would have been nice to have one more tablespoon of honey but I don't want to brush my teeth again, it's hard enough being upright and not wanting to fall over.

So no promises but if I can I'll try to get a few more BlogLifes, although the pain is kicking in now.

Night night :)

#BlogLife805 - Day 2 - Ho Ho Ho - No No No

Mama opened her gift, well one of them and it was the Green and Blacks mini selection, it's double layered which is good as they are very small.

But the one we tasted almond milk chocolate I think, was delicious, very good quality chocolate.

There are loads left, ginger, butterscotch and hazelnut selections.

Out of all of them, the butterscotch we hated and the ginger I wasn't keen on, we preferred the nutty ones, wish there were more of those included.

It was well worth the money so I'm glad I chose it. I'm not too happy at the moment as I'm run down, still on and now have the sniffles.

I didn't sleep well last night and my throat is hurting. The pain is just getting worse, suddenly my ribs are hurting and I can't get in a comfy position.

I don't want to do anything but lay down but I'm forcing myself to be social, I just hope that my body gets to rest tonight.

Mama gave me a delightful gift voucher so I did a bit of shopping, nightwear, nighties, bed socks.

That was a highlight getting some bargains. I'm still a lil annoyed or upset by something.

The younger sibling called and she was just talking normally like he hadn't just got me into trouble,

It was all cosy and sweet like yea, he's not responsible and she's planning to visit soon.

WTF! She does not hold those two accountable for anything! Fine. I knew she would not cut the bastard off but at least yell at him or say..

What you did was evil and one day soon, it will all catch up with you!

But gone are the days when I think she'll ever stick up for me and have my back, against those two bullies!

Everything they do is right and everything I say or do is wrong.

Anyway that's how I feel and that is the way things shall remain forevermore.

Nothing will change but I still have the right to be frustrated, angry and hurt.

Dr Fem here playfully diagnosing myself. I may have a slight chest infection.

For some reason my ribs are hurting quite badly when I rest on them, or on the sides especially.

I don't think there is any swelling. My nose won't stop running and I have a slight tickly dryish cough.

I'm homesick, the pain is less intense at home. I have no energy. I feel achy.

I must have caught a chill and I keep throwing the covers off because my body feels a heaviness and the duvet seems to weigh me down even more.

I feel suffocated. It's Christmas Day though and I'm trying to be normal.

We watched Home Alone 1 and 2, I don't know how we still cry with laughter at the same screamy bits, when we've seen it dozens of times already.

For dinner it was chicken, yorkshire puddings, gravy, quorn sausages which were divine.

Plus red cabbage, carrots and mashed potatoes. I feel like we are both not eating that much but it's fine and fun.

But mostly all I want to do is lie down, sleep and scream in agony.

It's as though someone's punched me and my ribs are busted up.

I'm trying lemon essential oil which usually works fast and binaural beats, neither is doing anything sadly.

Oh and dessert later on was strawberry trifle. I might post these all at once or one by one.

#BlogLufe804 - Home for the holidays

Ugh I keep thinking of great titles and forgetting them.

I don't think I've forgotten anything. Got the food and chargers.

The bath was draining fine, the sink is slower, got to add hot water to it when I return.

Last night I was trying to sleep and the previous post was bothering me.

I always tend to sum up my feelings and be repetitive about how things were.

And I began to wonder why that was essential and I figured out the reason I need to do it.

Sorry it makes boring reading but it's deeply rooted in my psyche as that was the atmosphere I grew up in.

It was such an ingrained part of my daily routine that I have no choice but to believe the lies.

So what I have to do most of the time is be my own cheering squad.

I have to regularly remind myself that I'm a good person.

That I can achieve what I want too. That I do have it in me.

That I'm not a fool or hopeless. It's my own method to how to carry on and not fall apart and let the bad guys win.

It sucks that all this happened so long ago and I still need to do this.

But it's what needs to happen so I'm okay with it.

I also feel better admitting it and that I still struggle with self worth.

It's nearly midnight and soon it will be Christmas, I arrived without hiccups.

However my body is riddled with pain. Every movement was and still is torture.

I might forgo heading out for a while, particularly to the EE shop.

I was really looking forward to it but my body has other ideas, it wants me to stay put and rest.

I tried the £1 Nutini cookies, the knock off for Danish ones.

It's tasty but doesn't taste like shortbread. It is a bargain though and was divided into packets.

Unfortunately the purple nighty I was after sold out.

It was £25 but looked so warm and toasty.

I did see some other ones, pink and a red one with a discount, I got them both for £19.75.

Which is very reasonable. I'm having them delivered to Mama's place.

For breakfast/lunch I had a sandwich, plus homemade macaroni and chicken wings.

It was sublime. Tomorrow is fish and chips and maybe for breakfast or a snack turkey bacon and eggs.

I'm shattered but I can't sleep yet. Even my fingers are twinging with pain.

I hope that I get a long rest and that the pain is less harsh.

I've been applying a hot water bottle to my back.

I wanted to lay down with the heated blanket but I didn't.

I stayed to chat.

#BlogLife803 - Blocked, wifi untethered, what next?

Oh good gravy. What a day. I wasn't going to blog but madness surrounds me and the problems continue to climb so I need to share before I burst or go completely insane.

First off, the wifi keeps disconnecting and it's been like that for a few days and then it just completely disconnected and would not establish wifi for ages.

Well it was probably only about 10 minutes but normally it fixes itself.

It turns out the router jumped off the ledge and had enough. I found it on the floor, in tact but the wire had come out.

I plugged that in, switched it on and boom, I'm online again. Ok that doesn't seem that dramatic.

Next, the water from the sink wasn't draining as usual, it's blocked so I remembered the home remedy.

Shampoo, washing up liquid or hand soap to unclog it naturally. I literally dumped a whole bottle with some hot water and I hope that fixes it.

If not I don't think I can shower tomorrow. Oh it turns out, Mama waited until the last second to inform me, that her friend has been having car issues and cannot collect me.

I frantically called the taxi service and for £26.50 it can take me to her.

I'm not really happy to be scrambling tomorrow to get ready, when I could have been more organised, had she told me, prior, when she knew the circumstances.

I have no energy but I'll wake up early and hopefully remember to pack everything.

Let me just remind myself of what that is, so it sticks in my head, the spicy chicken sausages from the freezer and the koftas.

The electric toothbrush which isn't fully charged, mud mask, face wash, moisturiser.

Contact lens case, charger, laptop, mobiles, their charger. Clothes, nightie.

The Ferrero choccies and maybe the shortbread if there is room and the earbuds.

Oh and my passport, if by some fluke EE offers me a decent cheap deal and the Samsung A15 I think it was, the handset I am after.

I'm going to get that now and pop it in my bag. It has been a rough year, when are the joys coming?

I might as well wish you all the best for a relaxing and glorious Christmas or holiday break.

Again I don't know if I will feel like blogging, talking or writing. I have felt so burdened with life.

It will feel good to get away. All the chores and responsibilities are done for the moment.

I can probably get away with not washing my hair. The sink is still draining, I guess tomorrow I'll see how it is.

Makeup and lip balm is probably the only two items left. I knew I was forgetting something, pads as ugh I am still on.

My arm is still tender but my back is a lot better, the heat on the blankie really helped, it kicked itself on high eventually, that was a lot better for the healing.

Oh one last thing for the Christmas wishlist, I will eventually get a new makeup bag, as I think something spilled or wasn't screwed on properly and it's sticky, icky.

Did I mention the powder I bought cracked? I was disappointed in that, I can still use it, but it's a lil awkward.

I'll miss sharing with you but I may put on some classic old posts if I don't put any new content out.

I think the hardest thing is guilt. I know that stepping away is a good thing.

It helps me to release the anxieties and frustrations but I seem to counter that with disappointment in myself, that I'm not productive all the time.

As someone who experiences physical and emotional pain, most of the time..

I'm torn with doing the responsible thing, writing and being what I term irresponsible, which is resting and taking care of myself.

I'm trying to have a healthy balance but I think the problem is that I keep hearing people's opinions of me which was lazy, lazy, lazy.

It makes me want to quieten them and prove myself as someone hardworking and dedicated.

But on the flip side, if I push myself too much, which I have been doing, I burn out and shut down.

I'm not sure how to appease myself. I'll just take it day by day, night by night and only if I really feel like it, will I write,

Or I might do last year's thing and write and save it in drafts and not bother with editing and take the pressure off.

I hope I'll get my writing confidence back and switch off the negativity.

Let's end with something positive.. 

I believe in myself and my capabilities.

I can create cute funny entertaining shortish stories.

I can inspire myself and others.

I'm proud of myself for the gradual but continued weight loss and the healthyish journey that keeps progressing.

Even though life is hard and the pains are seemingly unbearable and I frequently want to throw my hands in the air.. I persist and try to figure out how to survive.

Even when I don't want too, I write and open up about the most harrowing, deeply personal details of my life on here and that takes courage.

I've thought about quitting. I've let my self esteem plummet and the depression has taken over a number of times.. But somehow I get myself through it and stand tall.

I've grown and matured and I no longer settle for miniscule crumbs of niceties, time and respect from my friendships/acquaintanceships, I know my value and I deserve better than indifference and heartlessness!

I deserve love and affection and although I've never really experienced it and may never, my comfort is knowing that I'm enough, I can rely on myself and that stops me from being lonely.

It's weird but because I'm creative, there is always stories trying to unfold. It's a million odd conversations bursting to get out.

It's not someone trying to use me or hurt me or damage my ego. It's just playful stories in my mind.

It's odd but I re-read my stories and posts a lot when I'm trying to get inspired or tap into a particular feeling and it does help.

Happy New Year!

I guess the point of all this is to say, for a very long time I hated myself and my personality.

There was just a bad audience, wherever I went and it took me a long, long, long time to work out why and explore those painful memories to better understand myself.

I'm still piecing things together and I have flaws like everyone else and that's normal.

But there are layers and layers of cruel comments that I grew up with and was surrounded by.

All judgements from parents, cousins, friends, acquaintances, guys I dated....

It's like I had to dismantle them one by one. Parents and cousins, I guess thought they were inspiring me to be better.

But I felt worse.

Friends, acquaintances and dates, set out to make me feel bad and it worked, I did.

I cut people out lil by lil but the damage was done. I couldn't distance myself from my family, that would have helped.

Everyone else though, I could break contact with but back then, I think I felt I deserved the hate, so I let them treat me badly.

I accepted the dysfunction. I'm not better. I'm not cured of the insecurities.

But it helped to disappear and say Goodbye to a great many people.

I don't care if they've matured. When you continually keep kicking someone when they are down, that is on you.

No-one is forcing you to do that, just to make yourself feel good and pretend you're perfect.

I am still and will continue to be a work in progress.

I like me, I love me. I'm different. I'm quirky. Gone are the days, when I'm trying to compete or be noticed or accepted.

I just don't care.

I was always good enough exactly as I was. Everyone including me, dismissed my potential to flourish beautifully. 

I never believed I would but I did. It just took longer than I thought.

I'm going to keep being my own person but I'm going to embrace positive improvements.

Like trying to be more patient and open. I also have to find a way to persevere with the fiction.

To unlock my mind regularly and believe that it's good enough to be read over and over again by someone other than me. Ha!

Night night :)

#BlogLife802 - The sick get sicker

It's been a really rough morning. I think as I was heading out, I wanted to psyche myself up to get some energy.

Yup buses running fine, at least going. I played party music, changed my duvet, oiled and conditioned my hair.

Plus did some washing. I can barely move. Arms are killing me, back is stiff.

But while yelping in pain, managed to get ready and am nearly here in town.

I must have been crazy to attempt to get a pedicure after this.

Every bone and muscle in my body is spasming. I've had a million more thoughts and I might as well attempt this as it's supposed to be the correct version.

I'm just waiting for the librarian to return and help print this, plus process the payment.

At first she said computers are for members only but then she let me use it 

I had the same issue with yahoo sending a flipping verification code to msn and it not showing up.

I should maybe swap it to proton mail. My back is crippling me and I'm sitting down.

It's about, well nearly 12pm, I think I got here about 20mins ago.

It's busyish, she said it may not be possible and I think she's checking if she has enough paper for the 92 pages.

I tried to get here early woke up about 8am but by the time I did everything with tiring, limited movements, it was already 11ish.

I've been waiting 40minutes for her to return. I can't leave the desktop unattended as I'm logged into Yahoo.

I really despise relying on others. Good grief. I don't even know how I'm gonna make it home in this state.

I want to burst into tears to be honest. Screw it, I attempted it. I clicked on the downloaded file and then gave my payment, which was about £32 or £33.

Ugh I forgot to walk with the sellotape so it didn't seem that secure but to hell with it.

I was in agony. I still am and the letter said nothing about Balance history or whatever bollocks she is referring too.

It said Paypal statements, which I have provided twice!! At least I've managed to hang up my clothes, using my arm, is torture.

I got to the Bank as well, so that's done. I had KFC for breakfast/lunch as it was on offer.

25% off plus they gave me free chicken popcorn, haven't tried that before. It's ok. I prefer the regular full sized chicken, with the calorific skin.

Oh I wanted to get my salmon sushi, but they've changed the whole flipping menu.

It's gone, no more non spice, no more avocado, no more chicken karangi.

I'll have to look for a new place now. Boo. I did manage to do the advents, as exhausted as I was.

Typing is a fresh level of pain hell though. Even the blankie is stuck on tepid, Grr.

At least I'm safe now until Tuesday. No more excursions or things to do.

Forget the pedicure, I just have to file my nails and probably trim my hair and that's it, done.

I'm probably going to treat myself to the Amazon nightie.

#BlogLife801 - Disappearing from realty..

Well turns out I could have had a lay in. UC cancelled today's appointment, without informing me at all. I was dreading dealing with the nasty advisor.

That's a relief, however just as I felt some peace of mind, my anxiety went through the roof, when it mentioned that the next meeting, is a video call on the 7th January.

Yeesh I thought I would have had more time off than a further 2 weeks.

I've never done a video call in my life, I'm sure the camera on my laptop, is deactivated and the same for my phone.

I really hope that was a mistake. I wouldn't know how to unblock, yeesh why can't something be straightforward.

Why not just a regular bloody phone appointment? I would rather cut my trip short than do that.

To further pile on to this nonsense of a life, I looked at my Paypal, logged in and saw the statement, they didn't email me to say it was done.

I don't know if this is from the first request or the second but it's identical to the other one, with no running balance.

She will not accept it so for the third time I will have to call Paypal, Jeez!!!

Weirdly this one was only 92 pages. I can't deal with this incompetence right now, I just wanted to vent.

I'm going to do the advents, have some pakoras for brekkie and game to unwind.

You're only allowed a certain number of reports, I wonder what happens after that?

Hmm I just did a bit of Googlying, I don't think the rolling balance is even possible to do, hence why Paypal are not providing it.

You know what. I'm just going to send off, the one I requested. Then when she gets back to me, I'll explain it.

I requested it twice, the first time it didn't appear. The second time I had to look for it.

I read forums and Googylied it. There was no instructions. When I manually tried, there was an invalid date range error message.

According to Reddit, lots of people are in the same boat, panicking and being told it's not Paypal policy to do it.

Again she has the complete transaction history, anything else is unnecessary.

It's literally a witch-hunt!

I'm going to focus on the positive. I have something to send off before I leave, I can pop into the Bank and take some money out.

I didn't have to speak to the horrid advisor today. I'm officially on a Christmas break for two weeks.

I'm going to check the bus app tomorrow, well all weekend to check it is going all the way into Town.

Then at least I would have tried something. I feel very out of my depth here.

It's not going according to plan and it's all up in the air. I don't know how to fix this and make it end for good and release the tension that's building up.

I hate being stuck in limbo land. I see a problem and just want to fix it and move on.

I'm holding off from contacting Paypal, maybe this is what she wanted. Maybe the report is fine?

Who knows? I think I need a miracle. I still haven't been in contact with the randoms and nobody has reached out.

I can't say it matters. I've been preoccupied and I think I'm avoiding any potential confrontations.

Last time me and T spoke, there was friction and I feel like he should have given me a heads up and said, I'm a lil sensitive at the moment so now isn't a good time to talk.

Instead of lashing out. As that's what I do, I retreat and unravel the mystery of why I'm upset and who or what is causing it.

I should write some blog fiction or maybe a CrazySelfTherapy.

I'm not sure what would help. I'm not sure why I can't end this post, it doesn't seem there is anything left to say.

I don't know if I'll suddenly be inspired when I'm away and can take a breath.

Maybe the Christmas story maybe published in January? Maybe I'll be really irresponsible and start yet another short story that will never get finished?

I'm disappointed in myself. I had a lot of time to finish it but zero interest.

I actually do like the plot and characters but all I can focus on, is that I'm too boring, too hopeless to finish it.

Reading was such magical escapism when I was lil and throughout my teens and twenties.

Life was difficult. I was this insecure outsider. I tried to connect with people and in some ways I did but it just didn't seem enough.

I wasn't compelling enough to be friends with or to be cherished.

That's probably one reason I stopped trying to give a part of myself away, it was usually neglected.

I would sit up in bed, with the lamp on. My back pressed against the headboard, snugly wrapped in the covers.

Knees up or down and get lost in that world. Hours and hours would fly by and I would be in heaven.

Nothing could touch me. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't depressed. I was just content and soaring into this fictional world.

Is it possible, that I want to do that for someone else? Take them away from any nightmares or cruelties that life throws at them?

I didn't really think of that before now, however I think that's when my eyes shone and coupled with the imaginative dreams I have.

I thought, what if I could recreate that world? For someone to get immersed in.

A safe happy lil bubble world, even if it was short and temporary.

Could I do that, one day?? As a lil girl, I probably shrugged and thought no way.

No matter how preposterous it sounded, it always stayed with me though.

I hoped that one day, I would have the courage, to unlock my voice and try.

Back to the present day, I somehow managed it and you can too :)

#BlgLife800 - Hit another milestone, not worth celebrating though

I'm sure that's the first time that's happened. I quickly did an online Iceland grocery order last night, as they have started charging for delivery as it's Christmas and it ranges from £2 to £10.

Outrageous as it was free before. Good job I checked, I was going to do it for tomorrow, anyway I got the free slot and just got a call from them..

Which I didn't really understand, I think something wasn't in stock so she asked me what replacement I wanted.

But it came under the offer of 3 for £5. But I didn't know what was available and I felt pressured to answer her lol.

So I think instead of some chicken stick thingys, she gave me another cheese and onion roll thingy, which I've never tried.

Oh well ideally I wouldn't have bought 2 versions of items that I've never tried before in case I hate them but she didn't mention anything else ha.

Only 2 things and one of them, I didn't like. I guess at least she called to offer a substitution, it's just a small shop as I'm leaving Tuesday.

How are we at 800 already in the BlogLife realm and overall 984 posts, I don't know if that includes the drafts..

I really don't feel good as I just came on and the cramps are unpleasant.

Now more than ever, I really don't want to head out. This settles it, I'm waiting for the bus service to resume as normal and that's from Friday onwards.

Oof and then Paypal hasn't emailed me the statement anyway, I hope they haven't forgotten.

Hmm I was just reading some old posts to see how long the printing took, it was about 2 hours.

That doesn't seem right but then I just double checked the bus app status and it's not resuming on Friday, it's Saturday.

Ugh, looks like the weekend it is. Oh I just got my shopping and am trying out the cheese and onion rolls, they are delicious, not too much onion or cheese.

I'll probably freeze the second batch, it's not something I want all at once, tasty though, soft pastry, good flavours.

But a lot bigger than I was expecting. Actually that's really good value.

Oh I am so close to beating last years posts, that was 193 and this year is 184.

It will be close as I don't feel like writing at all at the moment. I've been stressing and worrying about cancelling Christmas at Mama's.

I kept checking Paypal and my email for the report and it was not there.

I'm trying to be patient and keep my cool but time is running out. I decided to call them up again and ended up re-requesting it.

I just laid it on thick, that I'm stressed, that I need this done before the holidays, that it's urgent that I want to spend time with my family but if I don't receive it, I can't.

She seemed really nice and understanding, plus sympathised and said she would get it done today or tomorrow.

I don't know anymore what will happen. It's Thursday and I only have Saturday, Sunday and Monday to print it out and send it off.

I guess if by Saturday it doesn't arrive, I'll have to call the Witch up and get an extension because I don't want to leave Mama alone.

But she'll probably give me another short deadline in which, I still can't get it done.

This is why I loathe relying on other people. I would rather do things myself but sometimes, it's just not possible.

When I attempt or complete it, I know I've tried my hardest and made the effort, others are just flippant and don't give a damn.

It is infuriating. I'm comfort eating at the moment, albeit with a limited appetite as I just was sick.

But I tried the Hershey's cookies and cream crepes. I'm not a fan of thin pancakes or filled ones, usually but I thought why not.

It's sweet but not overly so and quite nice, there was 5 in a pack for £2. I thought it was cheaper than that actually ha.

It's solid and a lil crunchy which I preferred and much better warm than cold.

I wouldn't buy it again, it's a lil too indulgent, I prefer the plain, lemon and maple syrup type.

Oh I just realised something. The deadline isn't until the 30th. I should wait until it's nearer the day and then call, at least I will buy myself some time.

Spend the holidays with Mama and still have time when I return to complete it.

Oh that's something at least, a lil loophole..

#BlogLife799 - The Bitch that stole Christmas

Hmm I've been Googlying nonstop, having nightmares last night, stressing and feeling overwhelmed.

I've been reading forum threads, searching Paypal help section and I think I've sorta figured out, what the hell she wants.

When I went on Paypal the first time and clicked on downloads, I selected all transactions, now specifically I think she wants Balance Affecting.

Sounds straightforward right? Well I clicked on it, added the date range, only it keeps saying invalid.

I'm not sure why as it did, the all transactions, selected simply enough. Some advise to download in csv, whatever that is, I usually do pdf.

I wanted to do both but neither of them are working anyway. Why does it hate the date range?

The only thing I can think of is that it's too large or it's in an Americanised format, but I tried clicking on the months and days and years tabs instead and it still wouldn't work.

I tried the contact us section but as usual, it's just a bot and that was no help.

I might just call her tomorrow and say I'm stuck because I don't know what else to do.

I just want it done and out of the way but she probably knew that I would run into issues.

Again, why on earth wasn't the All transactions, good enough??

Oof I finally saw a phone number for Paypal and contacted them, spoke to a nice guy and he just said I'll do it for you and email you today or tomorrow.

Arghh, thank heavens that one is done. Now to do the course thingy, although, I want to eat.

I made another course enquiry which said, funding isn't available and then one more, which said, they will get back to me.

I'm done, warming up some chicken chow mein and will see what else there is.

I do feel a lil bit better but another thing bothering me, is that the UC advisor calling on Friday is the really nasty one and he's so horrible and condescending, totally unfeeling on those with disabilities. 

I'm worried he's gonna set me some aggravating tasks, to further ruin the holidays.... With his prejudice attitude!

Anyway I have done everything possible, to please them all. I can't do anymore than that.

I'm worried that the library will close early for Christmas or it will be swamped and I won't get the help I need to download it all again.

I just need to take a breath and know that I'm organised and will get it all done on time, despite the many obstacles that I've faced.

I'm also worried about the pains and the walking, knowing how dizzy and faint I felt and how long it took me to recover, which is the whole reason I wanted a phone appointment in the first place.

But now I'm stuck having to head out. Do libraries open on Saturdays?

I still don't know whether to go on Thursday or Friday, or even earlier.

What is better, peace of mind or health?

#BlogLife798 - My body is old, my mind is ageless/Bitch strikes again!

Album of the day - Madonna - Immaculate Collection

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-pXUCkcCgY

Normally as it's December I would post Christmassy songs but I'm still recovering and although my back is better, my legs are really achy and painful, so walking is a struggle.

However as I was about to wash off the mud mask, I just remembered how much I loved listening to this album on cd, over and over again at home and dancing and singing along to it.

I put it on and immediately my cares melted away and I sang my lil heart out, it felt good to dance and forget the pain for a bit, it's returned but for those few minutes, that was bliss :)

This is what I mean, by music inspiring me and distracting me from focusing on the negative aspects of my multiple ailments.

I'll give myself a manicure and pedicure tomorrow and I should do my brows also, I haven't really looked to see how untidy they are.

I was not upto stopping and getting a brow shape, felt too rough, to stop for even a second.

Ugh and I forgot to oil my hair. I think with music, I almost feel normal, like everyone else, not someone constantly struggling with their mood and physical capabilities.

It's Sunday afternoony and I just had some croissants for breakfast, I managed to sleep in this weekend, which felt good.

I'm still struggling to be on my feet and my hands are extremely delicate but I'm persevering.

I decided to use the last of the Parissa wax strips and if they weren't peeling off only a quarter or halfway, the wax had dried up,

Unusable so I think only a handful actually worked, totally crap and a waste of money.

Thankfully I now have a place to get my brows done professionally, although for some reason the lift floors confuse me.

I seem to get totally disorientated as they look the same. Maybe the slight claustrophobia is affecting my brain.

Anyway my brows were in good shape, only a few stragglers to pluck so that was simple.

I chopped my nails and tidied those up and I'm just charging my battery operated pumice pedicure tool to finish off my tootsies.

The only thing left is to finish the washing and do a deep hair oil conditioning treatment but I'll do that next week probably.

Oh and I thought of one last Christmas wishlist item, a new slightly bigger cross body bag, mine is a couple new years old I think and I wouldn't mind a replacement.

Oh I knew she was waiting until Christmas to get back to me. The person from the DWP finally called and this was from the beginning of October.

She had the whole of November to follow up with me but Noooo, she waits until Christmas, I called it.

I knew she was waiting to fuck it up and send me on another bloody rollercoaster.

It's been so long I can't recall the exact bloody words she used but suddenly what I sent in to her, isn't good enough!!!

LIke fuck it isn't. I complied!!! She's apparently satisfied with the Bank statements but not the Paypal.

FFS!!! I sent in as I'm sure she requested, transaction history. Now she says, that isn't what she wanted.....

Now she's given me 2 weeks to send in the correct thing, which is balance history?

Isn't it the same fucking thing???? So now I have to figure out how to do that garbage, walk halfway to town, spend another frigging what was it £60???

To print this crap out again, for what fucking reason??? Plus I'm still looking at courses to enroll in and most are saying they are unavailable.

I was just letting my guard down, just forgetting about all this and then, big reminder, chaos reigns supreme over me!

Ugh!!! Looking back at the wasted expensive download, I think she wants a running tally of each transaction, mine just has the deductions not the remaining balance.

But still, very poor excuse to get in touch with me because everything was still included, she saw what was incoming and what I spent money on.

I think this is spite because she didn't see huge lump sums of money, the way she accused me before and her acting skills have gotten better.

She was all softly spoken and "friendly" for a vulture!! Anyway I'm still Googlying how to do this and I have a week before I go to Mama's.

By Friday I want to have everything done, my last UC appointment, the course and this printout bs!!!

Then I can go to Mama's on the 24th and forget this garbage! I've almost lost my appetite again, and I can feel the stress engulfing me.

But I'm trying to be strong, step by step, I shall figure it out and complete it.

There is definitely no time for creative writing, sorry stories, no completions for you!

#BlogLife797 - Blankie blues/Christmas wishlist

I feel like ever since I got this heated blankie 2 years ago, it's been half dead and this morning I woke up, connected it and the buttons weren't responding.

I had hoped that the plugs weren't pushed in properly and I fiddled about with them and eventually, it powered up but it's only warmish and only in certain parts.

I guess that is better than nothing but it's now at the top of my Christmas wishlist, to win one.

I'm still being cautious with my spending and a new one would probably be just under a £100 which is steep.

I don't need much, new slippers, a new nightie, something for the sweet tooth, some inspiration for the stories.

Plus a month free of headaches, pain and stress, would be a delight. Plus some Neutrogena moisturiser.

Oh and of course a new Samsung phone. I doubt Mama's local shop will offer me a good deal but I'll stay with my outdated contract until something cheaper comes along.

That would be such a wonderful Christmas gift to myself to get that crossed off my to-do list.

Although I still like my OnePlus phone, the battery needs charging multiple times a day and the screen is so dull, I hate it.

It makes gaming really unpleasant, as you're constantly squinting and putting the screen on the highest brightness possible, just to see what you're doing clearly.

I can't wait to compare the difference with a newer bright and shiny Samsung.

That was a surprise, the knock off Ferreros are still £3, no discounts aside from the multi buy, which I didn't want to do.

Then I spotted that the actual Ferreros, the 16 box were on sale for £2.50 ha, so I just bought that instead, I wish it was the dark chocolate instead of milk but it's a great bargain.

I'll probably take it to Mama's to share with her. Mama went to our mutual Optician and told him I was miffed about only getting one lens instead of a set and he said, that's only what is permitted but I'm sure it had been a few years.

Good heavens when can I get the other bloody lens so I have a full set???

The other thing is I felt really stuffy, was coughing and felt nauseated and dizzy today, so as I was walking to the UC meeting I felt like I was going to pass out.

Even when I got up to see him, I swayed hard and was holding onto things, I wasn't exaggerating or faking, the pmt symptoms are hitting me hard.

Plus maybe I'm just rundown, so I just asked him for a phone appointment for the last one of the year as I know, when I'm actually on my monthly..

I'm going to be feeling even worse with the loss of iron. I didn't hide my disgust when he said he has no more phone privileges available as he has overused them.

But thankfully he booked me into his colleague for a phone one because I think I would have begged at that point.

He said something akin to it's between 9am-2pm, what on earth? But then he said maybe 11amish?

Why are people so shocked, when sick people struggle. He seemed totally shocked that I was in that state.....

Hello.........Long term ill, buses aren't running, my body is under duress.

Then he was like I found a course, register with it and I thought ugh but I'll get to it, eventually.

For the first time in ages, I actually wanted to browse a few shops but I stopped myself because I needed to conserve my energy to walk partway home.

I had no idea, that our New Look, just got taken over by Bodycare, the online company I used and then had a bit of strife with.

I liked them but I detest a company that stresses me out, nice that they are local now though.

Also we have a Sam discount store and a beauty shop. I'm not sure how long they have been there, when I'm walking, I'm usually concentrating on keeping myself upright and in a straight line.

I seem to zigzag like a drunk person. My back is now killing me but later when I unpack the shopping and change I'll be able to relax.

I thought screw it, I'm getting some fizzy drinks for energy and a burger and sandwich as I don't want to stand up, it's better I lounge because the pain will increase, if I don't rest.

I'm not tired actually, even though I feel like I haven't slept. It's probably because I kept waking up thinking, is it morning, did I miss the alarms? 

Will I be late? I checked the post, no news there and I don't get why my arms are killing me to move, yeesh, the pain is spreading all around I guess.

It would be easier and beneficial if I could nap, my body could start to recuperate but I'm wired.

I have to get the blankie out and unfold it but I'm too tired, when the food gets here, I'll do it, not moving a muscle is bliss right now.

#BlogLife796 - Well that backfired..

Ugh I still feel like crap. The monthly is finished but I'm still getting cramps and nausea.

I had the phone meeting today and felt like I said the wrong thing, he asked me about any updates and I said I applied for the course but it wasn't in my area so I got rejected.

Then he said, well check out this site and get back to me, luckily a lot of them seem paid ones and I can't afford that.

I'll stall for a bit, I just want a Christmas break yeesh. Oh and as I expected, the next meeting is in person, sucks but I figured as much. I decided to try a few new things again.

I'm still waiting for the Brompton House Ferrero knockoffs to go on sale. they are 4x£9 and I don't want to pay that price or get that much chocolate, they have two different styles though, which look cool.

I decided to go for the more affordable option, Nutini chocolate minis, which taste like Ferreros but without that chocolate creamy centre, they were just a pound though for a lil bag, which had twin blocks, sorta like Cadbury's caramel.

It's nice but I guess a lil dry, mostly what you taste is the wafer and maybe a tiny inside sliver of chocolate filling.

I got these Dan Cake, mint truffle cake thingys also for a pound.

Umm, the mint is good, it's like it can't decide what it is? Is it a biscuit? A cake or a chocolate?

It's a soft kinda cake dough, I wouldn't buy it again, I like that it tastes more like dark chocolate but it's just not that appetising.

It's really not worth mentioning, I had 2 advent fluff wins, 50 nectar points on their advent and a calendar planner, I didn't claim the second one.

Now that it's winter I'm using the body butter more and that new version of the aloe vera American Dream one, isn't as good as before they changed the recipe.

I have to use it twice or more a day just to keep hydrated, I will stick to the other one, that smells better and is thicker.

It's a lil pricier but worth it. I'm sure I used less of that, so it lasted longer.

#BlogLife795 - Less moi

I'm back to feeling stressed and having really hellish nightmares about death and pain.

I feel unsettled even though this is my favourite time of the month, winter, blankie, Christmas looming around the corner..

We've got yet another landlord representative that wants to introduce themselves and make nicey nicey.

The problem is, they are akin to lawyers, they don't do anything they promise and just actly viciously and are full of judgements.

On Wednesday there is a meet and greet, I don't think it's mandatory and the last thing I want to do is sit across from my neighbours, who have no manners and think, stealing post, treating me like a concierge and spousal abuse is normal.

I've got to say though for the past few weeks or months, I haven't heard any domestics, which makes a change.

I just want to be left alone to cope with my declining health in peace.

Some good things on the horizon, Mama sorted me out a lift at a reduced rate but it's on Christmas Eve, so I've told her, that if it doesn't work out, I'll not be joining her this year.

For one it will be double or triple the fare from a taxi company and for two, they would all be booked up.

I didn't realise I had put money aside, so I can afford the fares, just about, although the tax break I was getting is now cancelled and that was £400 maybe.

You'll have to forgive me but as this month is so busy, I don't want to pressure myself to blog every day.

If there is something pressing, I'll share but if not, blogs maybe few and far between.

I have the advents, the UC commitments, the stories although, I don't think the Christmas one will be ready, I'm too frazzled.

I'm not sleeping that much and more than ever, I want to switch off and am counting down the days, when I can just be free.

I want to say see you mid January but that seems harsh..

#BlogLife794 - 3 consecutive phone calls

I just had my UC phone appointment and now the groceries are here, nice timing.

I was waiting for him to say, you need to re-do you CV, it's not what I asked for, but he said, that's all fine, sheesh, what a relief.

It was a short call and then he said, Oh you're next phone appointment is next Thursday...

Hmm what about all that stuff regarding, not having all phone meetings and that I would definitely have to come in?

I admit, the negative side of me was thinking, he was going to say, Oh I know you gave my colleague a sob story, about how the buses aren't running and you're in pain, boo bloody hoo, get your ass in here (lol).

But although I was dreading trekking it again, I'm used to pushing myself past my limitations because that's life.

I'm pleased though, I don't have to go in and hopefully soon they will close for Christmas.

The buses will hopefully start running all the way there from the 20th December, but by that time, I might be done for the year.

Altogether there is probably 3 meetings left for the year and one is a phone one so that's not too bad.

Although if it snows, that's hazardous. I do have a feeling, his colleague, the nice lady I spoke to, reminded him that I was long term ill, hence why she gave me another phone appointment, which was kind.

I'm used to the Job Centre dismissing the concerns of those that have serious health conditions, because I've experienced it and seen that they expect everyone to be able-bodied and life doesn't work like that.

And they blame you personally for being sick, like you can help it, some are quite nasty with the attitudes and that upsets me, as it leaves me even more stressed, emotionally and physically.

Anyway I just go with the flow and don't make waves, unless they try to force me to do something I'm physically incapable of doing.

Like I remember one insensitive advisor smugly smirking and asking me, Oh what would you do if you got a job that required stairs, (this was a long time ago).

As stairs is one of those no-no's. It seems to aggravate my body to the point, where I feel strained and like I'm splitting apart and the pain builds and builds and then I can't move at all.

Anyway I looked at him and just simply said, I would take the lift. (Schmuck)!!

I didn't add the insult, I just thought it. What was he expecting me to say?

Yea I'm going to put myself at risk, climb the stairs, feel dizzy, fall, break my neck, because the job comes first, my health is second? Twit!!!

That's just one example of the prejudice I face as a sick person.

I'm having an unorthodox brekkie because I didn't feel like toast or rolls, so I got some crackers and bought a few sandwich fillers, egg mayonnaise and cheese and onion and am having those together and loving it.

I did get some things to try, why not? First up is the chocolate cake slices, 4 x £1.50 is tremendous value, especially as it has such a strong flavour and filling, it tastes more premium than what it costs.

Highly recommend that. Next is the Crown Farms chicken frankfurters £1.25, maybe 8 or 10 inside.

I probably over cooked them for 20 minutes as they split, but I didn't care, it's like they have this smoky flavour, not over salted, just delicious chicken and subtle.

I only buy the vegan sausages but I wanted a change and these are really tasty once in a while.

They had no spice to them, which I love. I bought more of the vegetarian pakoras, singharas, so it's nice to add a meat dish in-between. 

I'm full already, one minute I wasn't bloated at all, then I just puffed up and now I'm feeling the cramps and nausea with this off and on monthly.

It would be nice to skip next month so I can have a pleasant time at Mama's.

Last year we were both so sick, we could barely move. We were just resting and not eating that much at all.

This year I hope will be trouble-free and relaxed. When I'm poorly, I miss my own bed, I just want to wallow and shut out the world.

Oh cripes, I need to find out for definite, that no other family is going to be present.

I hate that I have to ask, instead of her reassuring me, it's just us.

It's another stressful thing to potentially be in the face of someone that's tortured me and still to this day, I feel dumb and unwanted.

No matter how much I build up my self-esteem, I remember my childhood and how I was made to feel small.

That's why I live in the fictional in my head, it's a safer, kinder place to be..

#BlogLife793 - Upside down pizza

Yesterday for dinner I had the Pizza Express frozen sloppy giuseppe beef pizza with veggies, that was so bad, it was utterly tasteless, no seasoning at all.

I would not recommend it. The only thing I liked, was a lil experiment I did, I cooked it upside down to crisp and properly cook the base and that worked a treat.

I had it on a cardboard thingy so that it would catch all the toppings and I just scraped them back on but it is not worth buying, it was £6 and went down to £3 which is why I got it.

I tried out St Pierre croissants, a 6 pack for £2.45 as it was the cheapest in the range and those are nice and soft.

I've never seen croissants individually wrapped before, that was cute and clever, you could take one or two and pack them for lunch or in a picnic :)

I'm just looking at online courses and the one I enquired with said I'm not eligible because I'm not based in their region, it's weird, what does it matter that I'm not local, it's not in person, sheesh.

I feel like I have a mental block with learning, I struggle to comprehend the basics and feel even more frustrated and not smart because no matter how many times, I re-read or break it down, it just doesn't seem to make sense.

I'm dreading the fact that I have to do this course and I think if you fail it, you get penalised and have to pay a fee.

I have my phone appointment at 9am tomorrow and the groceries are arriving between 8-10am, I hope they don't clash.

Right just finished ordering Mama's Christmas gift basket presents.

I got her some more essential oils, Masala chai tea, and lastly a Green and Black milk and dark chocolate gift set of minis for us to try.

I can't remember if I have tried their chocolate before but I liked that it had hazelnuts, almonds, butterscotch, ginger and plain, looked interesting.

I might also get her some fudge, I'll see later on.