#BlogLife671 - Crazy Self Therapy 9 - Me against the family

Doc, thanks for fitting me in, this is a bit of an emergency although I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Listen SS you don't usually force it, let it come out naturally as per usual, alright?

That is just the problem, I have to get it out, as soon as possible, today in fact, the stress and apprehension is too much to cope with, so many stirred emotions.

What exactly happened to get you into this state?

Truth? An ex part of the family said that he was going to plot so much trouble for us that we would appear as law breakers and be thrown in jail, all of us, unless we paid him money, lots and lots of money.

Wow! Could he do that? Why would he do that?

My fear is that he made it convincing and showed us the report and made us think, we were all going to be harrassed so much so, that we would make ourselves crazy or plead with him to stop and send him the blackmailed money.

This is almost unbelievable but then he has been in jail, has been in trouble with the law and is the criminal, that steals from others and abuses them constantly.

How are you coping, what are you going to do? Knowing that you have always tried your best to be someone who believes in treating others fairly and helping them?

I wanted to hold it together and shrug it off. I know that no-one in the family would comply and send him cash.

But I just felt helpless and weak and lost sleep and my appetite thinking any minute now, Cops will knock on the door and cart me off to jail because of him and his evil words.

Fear took over your rational mind, in other words and this is what he was banking on?

Absolutely. I just felt as trapped as I was, growing up with two devils who tarnished my whole world and made it a scary place.

What happened next?

My Mama said she was going to write him this long farewell forever email and block him, pfft, as if she knows how.

I thought, he is loving the attention and power over us. Just say one word GOODBYE! 

And he would lose his mind. I just thought I'm kinda sick and tired of all of them.

She keeps forgiving him and he keeps hurting us and I want to cut them out permanently for own sanity sake.

She called today and I looked at the phone thinking, ugh, I don't want to talk to you but I was curious about any developments.

In the end, I called her back and she said, Oh turns out, he lied and never filed any documents about us and that he wasn't going to torment us until we were all behind bars after all.....

You see now this is the part where I am supposed to be all relieved but to me, it just shows what he can do.

I bet she is already forgiving him and that's what I can't stand!

I angrily spoke my mind and said, Don't mention their names to me, either of them, they are evil, we are good, we make the world a better place and they have no part in it.

They are dead to me!!

She said alright but I know that she won't respect my wishes.

Which is why I am taking a break from her, or at least stepping back.

That is a lot to process so this is why you have felt so low and depressed?

I felt hunted once again as though he was holding a weapon and saying. I can end you anytime I want and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Ha Ha Ha.

Listen to me SS. Hear me good. I know that you've always been bullied and tortured mentally.

I know that your family tried to stop you from succeeding and being positive and sharing.

But I also know that each day you managed to gather up courage and spread your gift with the world.

You write and open up to show others, some people have imperfect lives and childhoods and families.

Some people feel no-one can relate to them but you show, that you do.

You encourage them and support them the way your family, held you back and didn't.

Cutting ties as a parent is nearly impossible so perhaps you should cut her some slack, although I do know that you can be a fragile person also.

At least you spoke your mind and told her how you feel.

Thanks Doc but I'm still angry because the next time, this crap happens and it will....

I'm going to feel like saying.... Mama you brought this bs on yourself by keeping him in your life, so don't come crying to me about it.

Except I'm too kind to do that so I will keep it to myself but share it on here before I burst.

A part of me wants to protect her feelings and the other part is on the verge of snapping and telling her, like it really is.

But if I did that, I would be just as cruel and heartless as they are and I nothing like them!

I don't know why she can't accept my truth about how they affected me, my lack of trust, the way I retreated from people.

But everytime I say I want nothing to do with them, she cuts me off and says Yea, Yea, Yea.

I don't think she's brave enough to ask me the question......Why??

As an adult woman of 45 years old I deserve to feel secure and protected from harm.

When am I ever going to be free?