#BlogLife103 - Emotional/Physical pain threshold

I am due to return back home sometime tomorrow (Sunday). Talking to my mama, reminiscing about life is always a strange concept because she rarely admits how paralysing her behaviour was/is.

We discussed passed acquaintances and family who saw us as beneath them. Yet she still wouldn't admit she was wrong when she made me forgive those that harassed me to such a point I retreated inwards.

She readily confessed that she herself was handled poorly by people but hasn't learned that she was guilty of doing that to me and still does it.

I was hoping she would finally realise her mistake that she shouldn't be constantly waiting for me to make an error so she can jump on me and berate me over and over for it.

I'm happy to admit it and rectify it, I just don't need every flaw thrown back in my face. I wish she would see that standing up for oneself is justified.

Does Christianity mean you have to be a doormat? Even before she was religious, she didn't stand up for herself at all so her lesson for me, was...

Let me destroy your belief in yourself and allow everybody else to do it also without any arguments or interruptions or any way to counter their points.

Hang around those destructive people because they are family and they deserve your affection and kindness and you cannot ever say anything mean or refuse to talk to them.

This is why I don't like people. Even after having matured and my confidence spiked upwards, there are still judgements and kernels of hate towards me.

I saw it a lot from family, to relatives, to close friends whose inequality I was supposed to accept and be grateful that I got any attention from.

I saw it from men that tried to control me and take over my mind. They wanted me to devote myself to them even though they were cheating or saying I don't want to commit to you but I demand all your time.

I have someone else in my life, girlfriend/wife/fiance/interchangeable women.. Oh you didn't know?

Well now you do and I prioritise them over you, even though I don't really care about them but to me, you are still not someone I can show affection for. 

Don't you think you should dress better? Try to impress me, even though I don't take you anywhere special? Don't you think you should wear makeup because your skin isn't perfect?

Don't you think you should weigh less because my last girlfriend was really slim and she looked better than you do. I'll tell you what, I'll help you and if I see you eating something I don't approve of, I'll forbid you and make you feel bad.

I mean it was that kind of thing, being attacked from all sides. As for the physical side of my symptoms. I know that bending will keep letting the pain build up until my back locks up.

I know that not sleeping or taking naps will make the pain increase earlier in the day. I know that by staying in a sitting position, the pain spreads more easily.

I do know that for the last couple of days I managed to get a couple hours of sleep at least, so no pain at the moment, just bloatedness and slight irritability.

I get mama easy convenient gadgets for the home and she always dismisses them but then I turn around and she has bought something more complicated and I struggle to use it.

It annoys me frankly. I thought the whiskey stones would be cute and simple because every time I come here, the drinks are warm.

It is basically rocks that you keep in the freezer and keep your drinks cool without diluting them, they don't contain alcohol.

They are just aimed at alcohol drinkers who don't want their booze watered down. They were okay but took ages to get cold and didn't work as well as I had hoped.

She gave them away so I thought okay, I'll just give her, the easiest ice tray possible, big chunky blocks which don't need prying out....

She said No. I don't have any use for that. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Now she has got the most awkward ice tray ever, with the tiniest cubes that get stuck.

I cannot even open it or get the ice out. It makes me feel weak but using that, strains my hands. 

She over buys food and keeps the fridge and freezer stocked to the brim but anytime I open something she complains it isn't immediately consumed.

I want to scream, what is wrong with you? She wouldn't dare do this to anyone else, that is why she bugs me but tomorrow I shall go home to my empty cupboards and fridge/freezer and later on have an Iceland order appear......

Bliss, no headaches. I know it's her place and I am grateful for hanging out but I am physically/emotionally raw. I want to go back home to my safe place where there are no more attacks.

Goodbye for now emotional abuser. I won't miss you as much as I once did because you continue to make me feel demoralised, unlovable and insignificant as a human being.

I realised last night that you continue to praise and defend those that made me feel disrespected and you see no issue with that whatsoever.

But me, you are quick to harp on about my failings and shortcomings to further let me sink in despair. I'm just content with being sarcastic back to you because you are content with talking over me and making me feel I should stay quiet.

You never listen and yet, you always demand to be heard. I guess you will miss out on the highlights of my life because it seems a waste of time to share anything real.

Your loss because I am a wonderful, decent, kind and special person.

Toodles Mama..

#BlogLife102 - Back to my woman cave

Snap, scream, yell part two because I don't know who is the parent and who is the child anymore, demanding attention from me with the loudest voice possible!

I can fully hear you. I heard the entire phone conversation. I just want some peace to stew about being mad at myself for not being more diligent and being without a working phone.

Just don't relay everything back to me because it's obvious, what was said and you can continue having the same topic of discussion with about ten people when it isn't even your business to relay.

The thing is she is used to me being mild and quiet and taking her nonsense but I have already reached my limit and my mood continues to dangerously climb because I am irritated and hormonal and just fed up of waiting for the idiot mail to arrive.

I actually would like to cut my visit short and I may do it but not until after the celebrations and are over and I realise I am being a less than perfect guest..

But again someone shouting dictations at me, will not be tolerated. Yes I am easy going but not while there is no reprieve from the heat and no way to have a quiet space to breathe.

Normally I would go to the randoms but to be frank, that is not appealing. I think I just need to process it internally. I am angry though as it feels like she is deliberately pushing my buttons knowing that I normally don't argue back.

It's a form of taking advantage of me and she does this a lot but not today. I will not accept it. I just need to find something to soothe my nerves and hope that she leaves me be.

I could see she was shocked when I shouted back but take the hint, there was a reason I put my headphones on and haven't said much.

I am not in the mood for company, especially the type that is screaming at me. I am trying to relieve my stress but now I feel guilty for being disrespectful.

I will apologise but not yet. I'm going to visualise opening my front door walking into silence and taking a deep breath knowing I would just plonk down on my bed and hug my pillow.

Then I would turn the speed up on my fan and feel the icy breeze on my face, as It is delightfully powerful. Well since I wrote all this out, things have calmed down.

My charger arrived as you know, well the second one, first has not. Her fan that I bought her 5 years ago just died and she accused me of breaking it.

Told me... How ridiculous to have it on all night. Yea silly me, even though she has a glorious ceiling fan in her room, that she has on all night.....

How dare I  get a weak calming breath of breezy air to help me sleep in this awful humidity. It's a rechargeable fan, no electricity costs, unlike hers.

I think I'm just hormonal, tired and cranky. Monday can't come soon enough. We made up and I replaced the fan, as I do with most things that she requires, without asking.

And I don't mind it. I just find her attitude towards me hyper critical and she is one of the reasons I struggle with self esteem issues for all my life.

Because the others borrow money and disrespect her and they are just perfect in her eyes. They can do no wrong but me, who cares and does a lot of little things and then occasionally messes up.....

I am the one that get's verbally abused. I get shouted at and my faults thrown back in my face and I have reached my limit. It's not acceptable to be singled out and victimised because I am the quiet one who always takes it!!!

I have endured it all my life but not anymore. She won't ever say anything to the others out of fear but me being mild mannered she will take it out on me, which I let her.

Correction which I formally allowed her to do but not anymore. It seems like the first time I stood up to her but probably isn't. I feel great though.

We have of course made amends and I am hoping that from now on, she will think twice before harassing me, just because she could so easily do it, without any consequences, whatsoever!

#BlogLife99 - Should I take one last look back?

I packed up and thought I had everything stored in my black overnight bag and then I clipped my hair back and for once the breeze wasn't blowing the hair in my face.

For the first time in ages I decided to wear makeup. I always do my eyes and lips but this time because of the mask. I didn't wear lippy and I am down to my last bit of chapstick.

I decided on a pinky base and then swept a purple line across to look funky and it is simple but looks cute. I was going to do my nails too but there was no time.

I arrived with no layers on just a pinky long flowing top and dark purple trousers and because the sun was shining so brightly I was warm and toasty.

My phone died a few hours later and I was sticking it into the usb charger cable and it wasn't clicking into place, in fact it seemed loose.

I did that for several minutes until it finally dawned on me, the main phone, the samsung now takes a smart charger which is wider than the regular ones and I forgot it at home.

Argh!!!!! My phone has merely 20% battery remaining so I switched it off and then ordered a spare lead on Ebay, which will hopefully arrive tomorrow or early next week.

I had a credit voucher for Curry's that I have been dying to get rid off and mama reminded me I could have used it for that. Grr.

My back is really killing me but my shiatsu massager is at home as mama said don't bring much, I have surprises for you.

I am trying out some pain relief binaural beats to see if it helps because I keep wincing with every movement. Presently it has been a chocolate fest with chocolate cake, nutty cereal bars.

In addition to some nutty chocolates. This is our chocolate fix for a few months now. I want to lay down but it is too early. I can't wait for mama to see her gift.

She loved the colour and style, it is very bold and pretty and she saved the bottle of non alcoholic wine that I bought her for Mother's day earlier in the year, for us to savour.

I told her to open it but she wanted us to experience it together. For the price, it is a very big bottle and very tasty. It isn't too sweet at all.

I have great taste and can sniff out a bargain anywhere. I'm sad that my charger lead didn't arrive today (Saturday). I have been using it for a couple of seconds and then switching it off.

It probably has about 15% battery left now eek. I miss texting, calls, my games and just having a high speed phone that can handle anything.

Mama kept bragging that her place is always breezy but there is no cooling air and her fan keeps dying so I feel like I am living in a sauna.

I also keep having to bend down and I just feel uncomfortable and achey constantly. My temper snapped a bit when she expects me to finish whole gallons of products the moment I unseal them. 

Grr you have room in the fridge. I don't eat massive amounts at a time. When I open something I consume it within a few days not down the damn thing on the same day, shish!

It'll get consumed or it won't but I just need a bit of peace. Her place is open plan so there's no escape /privacy. 

I'm also bloated and though grateful for the hospitality, I'm used to my own pace and being able to rest when possible.

I really miss it and the games would have been distressing me but now the Samsung has died for real. I don't know if I can go another day without a charger and no air. 

I should have ignored her warning and packed my long lasting fan. It's so powerful and makes such a huge difference in making me feel calm and refreshed. 

Looking forward to being back home where it's easier and my body gets to heal more conveniently but it is a new day and I slept really well so for now I feel a lot better.

I am just waiting for her postie to arrive so I can pounce on him and hopefully get my charger cable. Keep everything crossed that it comes on day 2 and not when it is predicted which is tomorrow.

#BlogLife98 - Forgiver or seeker of forgiveness?

I got thinking yesterday about how stubborn I was. I no longer offer an olive branch unless I was the one who did something wrong.

I think I have gotten to the point with mostly randoms but some people in general where I care less about maintaining a strained relationship.

I feel like I was always the one to be vulnerable and put myself out there, to avoid any stress or tension lingering in the air but now I feel more ruthless.

I do or may miss them but sometimes parting ways is a good thing, it makes it possible for someone new to come along who could be more suitable in the long run.

N has reconnected with me twice and he sought me out to make amends and figure it out. He said he stepped back, did get my replies but assumed he was pushing me into something by force not choice.

I mean I wasn't super keen on the idea but now I don't mind it. For anyone that hasn't tried it. It was easy to download Whatsapp and install it on my chromebook.

It's in the Play store and I verified my number when they sent me a text message. I did start from scratch though, no numbers were present.

I found out that if I also wanted it on my phone, it's really technical, for me anyway. I have to scan a code to link the devices but I don't want to activate my webcam to do it so that is a bust.

On my phone it just quits my account, while I am signed in via chromebook and vice versa. I have to do it all again and no chat history is saved.

Luckily when I reactivated it on my chromebook, it was there, phew. Also if you select the option for *use less data* the call quality is noticeably poor.

I could hear the person clearly but to them, I sounded distorted. Whereas prior to that all calls were easy to understand.

I think overall I want continuity and to know that, it isn't just me making an effort but that person will be doing it two, otherwise is there any point?

If I call/email or text you, then reply or acknowledge it, give me some sign that you are not dismissing me. No I don't expect it to be instant or when you are under duress but you can't wait a month either.

I need it to be a regular fun occurrence but nothing that is daily. It should work for both of us, not just me. I'm tired of being dissatisfied in my friendships now.

Either get on board with it or walk away because frankly I am tired of the disrespect and being the one to reach out. I like having you in my life but I don't need you.

On a lighter note, I got my certificate of completion from the voluntary position and it was so satisfying to see it. I took my first chat in ages today and it was short and I am grateful it was an easy one :)

#BlogLife97 - Hello ghost

Have I turned into a clairvoyant? Ha. No fair not. I can't say I believe in all that but yesterday afternoon at about 3pmish I received an email and guess who it was from??

Well? Any ideas? No? Okay I'll tell you. It was from the guy that ghosted me without a word. The one I thought was giving me an ultimatum...

Get a messenger or else! You know that I hate being dictated too so that's never wise. He keeps doing the same thing and if it's a ruse, it's very clever.

It's about the second time I think where he has said he didn't receive my replies. I get all of his without issue and I always wait until it says sent before I shut it down.

Shrugs I don't know if it was an honest mistake or if he is trying to redeem himself and save face? I have no idea, I'm just exploring my feelings and I'm relieved I haven't shared the blog so he doesn't realise what I'm thinking.

I was really shocked to see his email and the content, I was tempted to reply straight away but honestly I was swamped. I was finishing up my voluntary program admin.

I had to tally up my chats which amounted to 157 I'm proud to say over 2 months and I didn't even count the trolls and unsavoury ones.

Then I had to write a summary on my experiences and I had done that partially but I realised I wanted to go in more detail and be more open on my mistakes and how I improved myself.

I am patting myself on the back because it was a good and bad experience. I changed lives and gave people the confidence they lacked but then I felt drained and pulled in different directions which left no time for myself.

N's point of view, I mean let's give him a name before I get confused. Was that he didn't hear back from me so assumed I freaked out and was too much of a nervous wreck to get in touch?

My feeling was that after I questioned it and didn't immediately do what he said, he got frustrated and skulked off, forgetting I ever existed.

Even if he thought I was overwhelmed, why didn't he just send a follow up email asking if I was alright or if I needed to talk? Instead he did nothing and then out of the blue after about a week.....

Has passed, approaches me with........ Why did we cease communicating? Can you see how that's perplexing and difficult not to be cynical about?

He mentioned Whatsapp twice so I downloaded it to my chromebook and to be honest, I prefer talking to texting so we shall see.........

#BlogLife96 - Will it get easier?

I got home not too long ago and I am exhausted and achey and sore but I feel great. I haven't spoken much about Corona because everyone has hammered that topic to death..

However today I may just touch upon a few things. I am so used to wearing the face mask and having that level of protection that it is weird to see less and less people wearing them.

Even on the bus there was a guy who casually just had his completely off and I kept looking around to see if the rules had changed but nope, still mandatory.

I think it is only necessary for indoors and not outdoors but I still find myself keeping mine on, even though it is difficult to breathe and walk.

I don't even bother with any makeup at all now. I used to love lip gloss and eye shadow and foundation but now I just feel my face is covered, so what is the point?

I did manage to get my bread but there was no interesting sandwich fillers available so I have cheese at home to make do.

I'm so glad the sun was shining brightly today. I just wore grey casual trousers and a beautiful bright purple top. It felt summery to me for the first time :)

I will also find out if I properly completed the volunteer program while I was incapacitated. I have to tally the number and see if I did enough conversations and write about what I learned from it....

And then if I qualified I will get a cool certificate :D I have a feeling I will start back, when I return home from my break. Wish me luck...

Oh and a special shout out to Craig who gave me my first ever real comment. It is most appreciated. I was going to wait until I had replies set up but I have no idea how to do that so I will just make a new comment as a reply.

#BloglIfe95 - Have I forgotten something?

You know that feeling when you are finished packing and you look around the room and think.. I have a feeling I am missing something?

That happens to me a lot. I am getting for ready for the weekend when I shall be off and I don't know if I will be writing BlogLife.

If I do it will not be a regular thing. Apologies but I don't feel creative at all at the moment. I am trying to make sure everything is charged as last time, the battery died.

I hate walking with chargers and they are all so unique but heavy. I use an electric toothbrush that I have never seen indicated that it is fully charged, even after half a day.

I should probably charge my epilator too, although that is fully restored in under an hour for maybe 30/40 minutes use so it lasts me ages as I only do my face and legs.

I doubt I will walk with my scholl foot file. I will just use it before I leave. My lips and elbows are cracked so much, no matter how much moisturiser I use, it makes no difference.

The only chargers I will walk with are the laptop and mobile as mama uses Apple for everything now and she doesn't have any spares.

My nails seem to be growing long but chipping at the same time, they barely ever feel strong, just weak but looking back at old nail pictures, they grow ridiculously long, they even look fake.

But I proudly showed them off as real. Do you prefer the round or square tip? Square for me is so much easier. I never did perfect the round tip, it always looked misshaped.

I have totally emptied my fridge and freezer so tomorrow I will nip to the market and pick up some bread and essentials. I don't know why Iceland is having another shortage of Kitchen Rolls at the moment.

It is really aggravating that only the expensive brand is left to buy so instead of paying a £1, I have to pay £5 for much tinier paper towels. Grrr!!!

Ooh her gifts were delivered yesterday and when I get up there I shall try out Kind cereal bars and let you know what I think of them.

Dark chocolate, almonds and peanuts, plus sea salt. I've never tried them before and bought a case. I'm hoping we enjoy them.

They are gluten free and low calorie apparently...

#BlogLife92 - Dating while being plus sized

Each of us are different sizes and if you are like me your weight has fluctuated over the years. I have never had an easy time dating and that was for a whole heap of reasons.

Lying

Cheating

Confidence

Weight

Trust

I notice now more prominently that there seems to be extreme attitudes for men when they hear or see that I am not slim.

Either I will attract the type that have the obsession with me staying big and want to facilitate that and encourage me to pile on even more weight.

Which is unappealing because I would like to be healthier and slimmer and I don't want someone obsessed with my weight and only seeing that in me.

It's really offputting because there are other sides to me too. Yes it is great they accept the abundance of me but it should matter what I want and how I feel.

Then there are the kinds where, I sound good on the surface but in reality..

It's like hmmmmm, well yea I didn't want you to be skinny but you are more than I thought you were and are you trying to lose weight and what steps are you taking and is that enough  etc etc etc..

I don't want that either, because although they claim to want someone with curves and a full figure, what they really want is someone slim who is also shapely.

Not someone like me who is overweight but with curves too. There is a huge difference and being a shortie doesn't help.

I guess I want the impossible, someone to take their cues from me and say, Look what is it you want? I am attracted to you, I like your personality.

I like hanging out together, I would like to get to know you further and as for your weight.... All I want is for you to be truly sincerely happy and confident, so decide what that is and I'll support you.

#BlogLife91 - I am imperfect!

I am totally imperfect - but that is okay for me. I like being human and full of bad habits and shortcomings.

It was not acceptable for those around me, friends and family who expected me to be just like them. They didn't make me feel as though I could discover my own identity.

I was supposed to twist myself around in knots and become them. To totally change my personality and figure and be skinny and popular.

For a while I did try because when someone is constantly critiquing you, they eventually get inside your head and live there.

I forced myself to diet and not eat and not drink because it was too calorific. I hung out with people that were cold and distant and tried to make them like me.

I did all of that and was miserable and it still wasn't satisfying their need to alter their perception of me.

I eventually stepped back and in the middle of my crisis realised that I needed to make peace with myself.

It took a while but after some time passed, I just analysed everything and I did. Now I try not to let people have any influence over me, except if it is positive.

I am now fully recovered from my strain and when I told someone, you know, my volunteering is officially over.

The first thing they said wasn't, well done, good for you for completing it. It was....

Wow, so soon? Can't you do more of it?

I realised that although I am better. I actually do need a break from it. 

The stress of being upbeat and perky 24-7 and trying to be patient with people that think it's okay to do nothing but throw tantrums has taken it's toll on me!

I kept trying to take these same chats and putting pressure on myself to do it because I felt like it was expected not because I actually wanted to do it.

That is what I am going to do now. A much needed vacation from helping others and some self care and focusing on rejuvenating myself.

I feel lighter already :)

#BlogLife87 - Laugh until it hurts! (Woo nots 2)

I feel like there was another underground secret meeting and the leader said.....

Hey lads we took a survey or more likely read a woman's magazine stating women love a sense of humour.

Next time you are out to impress, hammer her with nonstop jokes and I do mean relentlessly.

Do not under any circumstances be serious and make it the cheesiest unfunny banter in the history of the world.

She will not be able to resist such wit. Putty in your hands. I am telling you, this is gold!! Follow my instructions to the tee!!

The reason I say this is because I am getting these types of conversations more and more frequently.

Yes I do love to crack up and joke and be amused but I need to know there is an ounce of intelligence and that you have the ability to share something, otherwise it looks like you are brain dead with no personality.

The trick is balance. Once in a while, sure be silly or unfunny but do not do it constantly. What is wrong with you? Do you know how tedious that becomes, really quickly?

I am already out the door, running to anyone else. The really funny thing about all of it is that I even give a warning to knock it off and it is ignored always.

Then when I exit gracefully. I get a shocked expression and a plea to remain. Pfft.

Turn into better listeners or pick up on evident social cues!! Then maybe a lady will stick around for longer and actually relish your company!

#BlogLife26 - Weight conscious Update

I've just discovered a show called This Is Us. I gravitate towards characters and shows that deal with weight issues because I can understand the difficulties they face.

Some of the others shows I've seen in this field would be, Fat Friends, Mike and Molly and My Big Fat Mad Diary. This gave me pause for thought when he said...

"I used to be like you. Tried to lose the weight. You know what I finally figured out? It's a hell of a lot easier to accept who you are, in all your damaged glory."

"Than to be someone you are not."

I interpret it in two ways. Come to terms with being a weight challenged person and deal with the fact that you will always be this way, so why bother making the effort to change?

Secondly. Instead of hating on yourself and thinking that everything will become magically transformed once you drop the extra stones or pounds.

Start by finding things to like about yourself. Don't say..

As soon as I get lighter, love will appear...

As soon as I get fitter, I'll be more confident..

As soon as I Iose those extra pounds, I'll update my wardrobe..

You can't put your life on hold waiting for everything to be perfect. You have to work on yourself now so that when or if you manage to be slender.

You have the right frame of mind, to actually enjoy it. To pull off wearing tailored outfits that aren't baggy. That do show your figure off.

Then you have to deal with all that attention you now get. It sounds thrilling. For the first couple of seconds it is but it soon gets overwhelming and it will challenge that lil bit of courage that you have built up.

My wardrobe as the weight piled on, was so drab. Black everywhere so that I wouldn't stand out and the extra curves wouldn't either.

It was so dull. I kept promising myself that, once I got into a regular workout routine and went down some clothing sizes. I would splash out and invite colour back.

Over time I just missed wearing exciting clothes. They no longer had to be revealing. Hell they just needed to be cute. Reds, blues and purples I used to like.

Little by little. I shopped around and instead of going for black shades, I opted for darker blues, purples, reds and even greens.

Long sleeves and long tops that were probably meant as dresses but I themed them with skirts or trousers and it all worked.

I got bolder and started shopping for lighter colours. I still feel all eyes are on me, for the wrong reason but I look adorable!! I choose specific things to flatter me and it does.

I'm going to finish by saying.. You are a gorgeous warrior and I hope we can both keep an active routine but don't stop there. 

Work at your thought patterns and improve all of you, not just the bit that shows outwardly.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/07/you-are-not-alone-2.html

I forgot to add that, another bit of the show made me stop and think and that was the conversation between mama and daughter.

The daughter considers gastric bypass as a last resort as the weight is not shedding fast enough. The mama turns and says.....

Did I do this to you? The daughter replies as she is crying, I don't know.

It made me consider, when I was growing up. I liked snacking and I didn't see myself as overweight or having a problem.

My parents did and the more they commented to say..

You're being greedy

Do you really need that?

What is wrong with you? Do you have worms?

You're going to get fat

You're going to struggle to lose weight

Look how nice so and so looks, don't you want to be like them? Look like them?

Etc etc is the more I began to obsess about my figure and stop thinking that I had a healthy appetite and instead view food as the enemy that I no longer wanted to eat.

If you know someone with this predicament. Be encouraging towards them, instead of being damaging!

#BlogLife25 - Why are you so anti-social?

I heard this question from my parents quite often as I grew up. The other two made friends easily and just seemed to adapt to being surrounded by known and unknown people.

I didn't. I guess being told to hush for half my life, erased all my social etiquette. The few times I did speak, I made my voice as soft as possible.

I didn't even realise I did that. I didn't want to embarrass myself or my family so if people couldn't hear me all the better. I grew up being made to believe that I had nothing significant to offer.

I took it to heart. I people-pleased and resented it. I turned snarky and hated myself and then I became aware of who I was then and who I wanted to be in the future.

There was so much criticism at home that when outsiders did it. I couldn't handle it. I wondered what was wrong with me? Surely I must be doing something wrong to attract hate, right?

It was my looks? Or was it my voice? Or maybe my height? My weight? The way I acted? The fact that I was too sensitive?

I wasn't an intellectual? I mean why else would people continually zero in on my insecurities? Some people knew about them..

Others didn't and yet they said such mean things. Treated me with contempt. I had to be doing something to deserve it, right? 

I glanced around and I envied those so-called perfect people. They said the right things, at the right time, were surrounded by crowds fawning all over them, boosting their already inflated egos.

On the surface their smiles were bright. They were always happy and laughing but underneath, there was a lot of sighing and unrest.

I thought it was always a bad thing that I wasn't like everyone else but it turns out being different is fun. I get to explore my personality and voice something unique.

So what if it's not mainstream or popular? Who cares? I'm not saying I know better than you. I don't. I am saying I have the right to be heard, the same as you do.

My point is, when someone says you don't matter. They are lying and they are threatened by you. They see something in you that makes them nervous.

They also see traits in you, that appear within themselves and they cannot bear it. You don't need a million friends. You don't need to compete.

It helps to have someone around you who is trustworthy, honest and reliable. A person that will call you out when you're making the wrong choice.

Who will tell you straight, the real truth instead of the opinion you really really want to hear haha :D

I'm just relieved that I get to have the last laugh. I get complimented on my voice, my wit, my personality and my street-smarts.

I am important and you are too! Repeat after me....

I can out-quirk anyone!! :D 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2019/01/floundering.html

#BlogLife24 - Who am I?

Evening friends,

That might be presumptuous saying that but I'm feeling optimistic and the sun is shining beautifully on my face so I feel great. 

How are you all doing? I'm not sure why but I'm not getting much sleep these days. My mind is just full of things to do and it just won't switch off.

I've changed my blog description a few times. I guess sometimes even I am not sure what I am about.

Health?

Weight?

Writing?

Relationships?

Family?

Gaming?

Gender?

Cultural identity?

Solitude?

and finally confidence. I think that about covers it. I only share snippets of each, not because I am ashamed of who I am, but due to a fierce need to keep any relevant information hidden.

The more I share, the more vulnerable I become. Too many people take advantage. There isn't any safe spaces anymore.

However I tag these posts with safe-space because I want you as a reader to feel assured that anything you say will be treated with respect.

I didn't really want to moderate comments before they are allowed to be published but to avoid spam. It has to be done.

Q1) What does your blog description say about you?

A) Well first you have the basics, gender, age, location and then my expert subject.

B) I kept mine short and mysterious. I am all about the intrigue but there is a photo of me. A picture is worth a thousand words right?

C) I didn't put a photo up but I covered the basic principles about what I would probably be discussing.

It's probably best if you review it once in a while because blogs tend to evolve and interests change.

What you were passionate about six months ago, may not hold your fascination these days.

Two things I haven't yet worked out. 

Q2) How do you stop your hair going flat after your remove the headband? My volume is non existent afterwards haha :D

A) *Shrugs* What are you asking me for? I asked you that question :D

B) Ummm. I guess you tease it first and use products to make it voluminous?

C) Look. I really don't have time for this. I have the opposite problem, my hair is too thick and frizzy. Fix that first.

Q3) What do you listen to in the background while you are working/studying/doing chores/writing?

A) Music, every time. I crank up those tunes, bop my head and even hum along. Though it's distracting when the good songs come on.

B) If I am going to hear anything. It has to be asmr. Sound effects are relaxing but at the same time, my mind doesn't wander and I keep focused.

C) Why do you assume I have anything on? I don't. I like complete silence. I need total concentration on the task at hand.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/09/about-me-and-my-blog-100th-post.html

I should probably update the popular posts but I guess it would probably just be the Hercai/Ramo commentaries..

#BlogLife23 - Unglamorous

I'm just lounging here waiting for my Iceland groceries to arrive. I experimented with the curlers but no leave in conditioner this time.

I'm not venturing out so this is a dry run. One side, the right, turned out softly waved with volume and style and the other, felt flat and unkempt. Grr

I think I definitely need the leave in conditioner and to put it on damper hair because at this point, my hair was practically dry. It is definitely an improvement with the curlers though.

I bought a new headband for £6.69. It is black and pink, reversible and much better quality. It is actually as advertised, very thick.

The last one I bought, lost its elasticity within days and turned out to be super thin. Grr. I hate false advertising. 

The more expensive one I had on my wishlist but it seemed pricey for just a simple headband but it is a case of, you get what you pay for.

I also managed to pluck my brows to make them tidier and I feel less scruffy now. 

Have any of you seen Sex and the City? I used to think it was called Sex in the City. To me that made more sense :) I always thought as annoying as the Carrie character was, played by Sarah Jessica Parker..

Her life just appeared so glitzy. I know it's just a television show but as I grew up watching it. I wondered if that was how writers lived their lives.

Schmoozing, partying, dating and having such a colourful wardrobe. The reality is vastly different, although my wardrobe has gotten brighter these days. 

Q1) Who was your favourite character on the show?

A) The lead of course SJP. I mean sure she was whiny and unfaithful and self centred and terrible with money but she oozed confidence and style.

B) Mr Big. I mean who doesn't love a bad guy? Although he was a commitment phobic, philandering, game playing jerk with a few redeeming qualities..

C) Miranda full of sarcasm and wit. How could you not love her? I mean sure, at times you wanted to shake her and say. Lighten up hon. Good things do happen..

My stomach's rumbling, chop chop delivery guy or gal. I don't paint my nails anymore as I tend to keep them short and varnish on my trim nails looks unappealing.

Other people can get away with it but for me I just don't like how it looks. I did file them today though. I haven't done a face mask or used the face brush yet.

I'll save that for later or tonight. I heard a van and thought that might be my shopping but alas no :( The last thing to do now is give myself a pedicure.

I have the rechargeable hard skin remover and my Dove body butter for afterwards. I love the scent. It's the Pro Age version. Although I don't recall see any others.

I find with places like elbows and feet, I need a thicker cream that is more moisturising. Otherwise those areas get too dry and start cracking.

When I'm writing, I'm constantly leaning on my elbows which ends up being really painful so I try to hydrate them with a luxurious body butter as often as I remember.

Ooh you know what else is a brilliant product for those suffering from dry skin? Gel oils. Avon, Johnsons and Vaseline do them.

I'm not entirely sure if Avon still does. This is how you use it, have a bath or shower and then when your skin is not dripping wet but slightly damp.

Apply it all over or in the specific dry areas, rub it in and leave it further soak in for however much time you can spare and then either you can pat the excess off with a towel or just leave it.

Your skin will thank you. It will now be super soft, with a healthy glow.

Q2) What is your favourite type of shopping excursion?

A) Clothes, clothes and more clothes. I look fabulous in everything. The mirror loves me, sales assistant envy me and I have unlimited credit to buy whatever I desire.

B) Well someone is clearly a showoff. Pfft. I like footwear, whether it is casual or smart. 

I just like different styles and shades and it's fun completing my outfit with my choice of funky shoes/boots/trainers etc.

C) I've always liked hair accessories. They just transform you and bring a lil spark to your ensemble. 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/10/do-you-feel-beautiful.html

#BlogLife19 - Exhaustion

I hope you've all kept your promise and saved me some Easter choices.. I'm sorry I haven't published in a while. 

I just wasn't in the mood.

It hit me just now that I'm repeating the same mistakes as I made previously. 

Do you ever feel like you're making every effort to change but sometimes you get derailed and don't realise the patterns remain the same?

Ugh I managed to successfully tweak the appearance of the blog once more but of course it's still not right.

Who was I trying to kid? I'm not a techie or a coder. Granted I did exceptionally well to get this far but it never stops.

I loathe this part of blogging. The perfectionism.  I'm not even looking for that. I just need it to look good, to me and others.

Unfortunately this means getting a headache trawling through bland themes and trying to pretend I like one of them so I can quit this tedious task.

Actually I think I saved another one just in case. I haven't checked it out yet. Tomorrow or Monday I promise. 

For now I'm gonna play a game and then go to sleep. After looking at the theme and trying a few others. I still felt completely dissatisfied.

I finally settled on the current one I have installed. To me it's looks all round festiveness coupled with my sleepy female motif.

I did change a few things to make it clearer but the description, insists on staying faint, grr. I didn't have to mess with the alignment for once.

It's feminine and cute without being sickly sweet. I'll probably still look for something ideal but I'll stick with it for the time being, maybe.

I just want to get back to writing. Aside from this recent hiccup. I feel I am doing quite well maintaining the BlogLife posts and well as the book chapters.

I've composed three chapters for Lethal Curves Ahead, the second book and I'm on BlogLife19. It's not astounding but it is progress.

I am moving forward. I fancied something to munch on so I bought some starburst, formally opal fruits. Those are really good for when you're thirsty.

Q1) What is your favourite flavour? 

A) It's obvious. There is only one answer. It is strawberry of course.

B) You are wrong as usual. Everyone prefers the purple wrapper, whatever that is.

C) People please. Calm down, this is only starburst, we are talking about, besides which, how can you not love the green one? It packs the most flavour!!

Q2) Do you think laughing at yourself is wrong?

A) Yo. Quizmistress, care to explain that one? Who would want to laugh at themselves? That is just self mockery.

B) Of course it's wrong, we need to build our characters up and not reduce our self worth to that of our fears and flaws.

C) Oh I get what you are trying to say, badly. You mean should we lighten up every once in a while and poke a lil fun at our errors?

This is a prickly subject because I am one of those same people berating myself over my mistakes. I dwell on them sometimes and kick myself for even doing them in the first place.

However I am long way past the girl I used to be, which was incapable of being respectful to myself. I saw a lot of my faults and thought nothing of my successes.

Nowadays I just try to accept it, learn from it and even crack a joke about it. I find it helps me to let go and actually smile about it.

Everytime my brain turns cruel and whispers. Seriously. You are a fool. Why did you do that? I notice it and just turn it around.

I say alright. Yes I did make this decision, which happened to be the wrong one but I have already taken steps to correct it and now I know what to do differently.

It is fine. It isn't the end of the world. I will make a bad pick, or a careless response but I will always try to fix it. That is what life is all about. At least credit me with making an effort.

Again it probably sounds really silly or weird but it really just turns around my entire mood. It does take practice but once you are aware, you can use it to your advantage.

I'm going to start linking to either random posts or something to do with each BlogLife's topic. 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/03/going-backwards-not-forwards.html