#BlogLife512 - Why I'm not volunteering/counselling anymore?

I put the ringer, well vibration back on my phone and waited to see if Dic would call me back.

He did a few hours later but it wasn't for what I thought it was.. He didn't want a progress update..

He wanted to do another bloody survey on my health and well-being, yeeesh.

I was annoyingly consistent and didn't change any of my previous answers, I just trundled through it quickly and then uncharacteristically, cheerily bid him farewell.

I think I was just relieved it was over and I could get back to blogging.

Why did I just do that? I had peppermint essential oil on my hands and I thought I washed them after but maybe not.

Then I rubbed my eyes. SIlly silly. I just doused them with eye drops, they're not burning but they feel weird.

I wonder why I do crazy things? Can I blame it on being half asleep?

I'm not really tired actually but I woke up 7ish I think to get ready for my grocery delivery.

He arrived on time and everything is packed away neatly. Oh I just watched Sweet On You it's a fun romantic comedy that I recommend.

The usual kinda backdrop, workaholic travels to a quaint relaxed lil town and meets a baker who charms him with her quirkiness. 

I want to curl up with the blankie but it isn't cold. Grr. Oh I did eventually put my head down and sleep for a bit. It was lovely.

I feel more relaxed and energised now. I was thinking about getting back to volunteering but I cannot seem to make myself go back to it.

I feel I am pushing myself into it, as it is a worthwhile cause but the truth is my heart just isn't into it any longer.

I feel like I'm avoiding the murkiness of people's lives. In tv/films and reality.

There are times when I'm surrounded by darkness that haunts my every waking moment and even asleep, there's not any peace.

So when I'm awake, when I'm up for the challenges of life.. I guess I want some rays of hope around me, some pleasantness and laughter.

The things I heard when I was volunteering, I mean not all of it was bad, there were delightful chats but from those hanging on by a thread......

I have soo been there. I counsel friends, family, acquaintances, randoms, I make them feel better about themselves.

I don't feel the need to do it in my spare time too. I think that's why I like when people make me laugh because it's makes a huge change from me being the entertainer/supporter/taking the lead.

It's exhausting always being the caretaker and never being taken care of but L is quite sweet, although quieter..

I feel I need someone that is gonna have that silly lighthearted banter with me and not make me like their full-time cheerleader or interviewee.

Today was such a rush. I already lost the new pink top, it's either in the wash or it's fallen somewhere.

So in the end as time was running out, I put on the other rainbowy X top and had no time for makeup.

Even my hair is just not behaving itself, it feels flat and glued to my scalp.

It was actually really nice not seeing Dic. I felt weird today like all the air had been sucked out the room.

Could be pmt, I do feel bloated and I was nauseated but it also seems like claustrophobia a lil.

Even outdoors I felt there wasn't enough air to breathe. I don't usually show my arms but I had to take off the long sleeved top underneath.

To feel less uneasy. I'm just waiting for my sweet and sour rice to arrive and possibly after I eat and nap I might feel normal.

Until then I will keep sipping a cold citrus drink. Ahh I'm sad that yesterday the U2 earbuds after a year have died.

Well technically only the right one but I will bin them soon. I'm amazed they lasted this long.

The food has just arrived and it was a double discount. I think I will nibble on some sides.

I don't know if I've ever tried honey and garlic wings but the dry version was really bad.

I had a bite or two as I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I just wanted to try it and fill my tummy up a bit so it wasn't empty.

It is a whole lot of an improvement on the dry version. It's a shame it's overcooked but it's definitely mild and seasoned properly this time.

I think I would get that again, I was craving chicken spring rolls but they only do the veggie versions.

I just took off my bra because it was pressing on my stomach and making me feel sickly.

I feel freer and calmer now.

#BlogLife509 - Dics out to get me....

Oh wow. I am beyond thrilled. I checked my emails and I've been hoping that I was going to get rejected for an unsuitable extortionate scheme that Dic set me up with.

I think they wanted a £1k upfront or maybe half that so I sabotaged some of it, to make myself look a lil bad but not so that it was evident or too obvious.

And I got the news today that I had been told I was unsuccessful. What a relief. 

I did not want to do something that would have been a lasting detriment to my physical and mental wellbeing. 

And I felt trapped and he forced me into it, not for my benefit but for his own.

He confessed that he's been working there for 2 years and this is the first time he's been excited to involve me in something.

I tried not to scoff as I said I have seen loads of opportunities around.

He is just the most unqualified person to lean on or get any insight from.

I can explain it to anyone else that I need people to be aware that I need certain changes to be made when I undertake something.

I don't want to do something halfway and leave because it's too physically demanding and everyone else except Dic, understands that!!!

I spoke to one of the randoms that I had a phone chat with and I might as well be talking in a foreign language.

Whenever I say, I just want a casual chitchat. I'm not looking to meet up or get a romance started..

They agree to the terms and then act strangely afterwards as though I led them on.... Dodos!!

Why couldn't he have just said..... That's for being clear with me, I thought it might progress further but I can see you're not interested, lets be acquaintances or let's not talk anymore.

I accept either but just to behave clingy and weird is just ughhh.

He was asking if I missed him (ick), and that we get on too well for me to block him....... Pffft!!

Then he said I love you........ Cringe!!!! Followed by just joking. That's one of the worst things you can say to me.

I take the L word declarations very seriously, hence why I have never said it to a guy and it's not something to say to just anyone.

I think people over use the term frankly. It loses that specialness when said daily.

It's almost like saying..... Byeee. That's just my opinion, I would save it for special occasions.

Anyway he was behaving so oddly that I eventually blocked him. In some ways he was fine but in other instances..

He was just a complete downer. I felt like he would look to me for support or to cheer him up or fix him or some crap like that.

My policy is help your damn self first, nobody else can do that for you.

I did, I worked on myself, I am still trying to improve myself and for those that don't do it but complain and why wonder their lives suck.....

I have very lil sympathy for them. Sorry but part of it is your own fault.

Look for the lil joys in life, focus on a routine, surround yourself with decent people.

Try to understand your own needs and have any sort of emotional outlet where you can be yourself.

If you need help, then see a Doctor, maybe some need medications to kick start self-improvement.

Find what works for you, don't focus on anybody else. But he didn't want to do any of that, he just wanted to wallow in self pity.

I tried to give him various pieces of advice and he just said Oh sounds good, that's interesting but didn't even attempt anything.

I'm not saying I have all the answers. I'm not saying do as I tell you too.

I know that I have been there, in those dark lonely places but I have also pulled myself out of it.

I know what worked for me and if you're stuck and not doing anything, you're going to stagnate and be awful to be around.

I am in a place where I can be honest. I can say I'm having a lousy day or this may be the most depressing blog I've ever written.....

I could be angry or crying through the whole experience but I also realise as soon as I him Publish....

Half or maybe more than that melts away and there is an immediate release of the power it had over me.

Nine times out of ten, I really do feel better and more able to tackle it.

#BlogLife479 - Yet another period!

Now I know why I'm having sugary chocolatey sweet cravings. I started yet another period today, ugh.

I think the pedicure/eyebrow shape trip is going to be postponed again as Mama is fully booked except Tuesdays and I have meetings back to back, tomorrow.

Plus she and I both love going out in the mornings when it's less busy, although she might have a cancellation on Thursday but we'll see.

Aww I just opened up the saline bulk order because it's cheaper to buy them that way and maybe because I'm a repeat customer they threw in some freebies.

I got 2 complimentary lens cases which I needed and 2 sample size soaking solutions which I'll use when I'm doing the overnight protein tablet treatment, which I have to do tonight.

I can't even thank them because Ebay has a beef with them and blocked it.

Tomorrow DicTweet made an another appointment for me to see him, ugh, it's like talking to an idiot who makes my life ten times more stressful than it is already.

I saw him write it down, no Tuesdays and yet here we are...

Which means I can spend the whole morning walking up and down, as it clashes with something else and they are in opposite directions.

Or I'll just see him beforehand and potentially be late for the other one, yeesh.

I've ordered some new tiny curlers because the other ones are too big and fall out now.

I'm looking forward to adding them to my routine and having fun twisting them in all directions.

I wish they did colours other than pink but I'm not going to pay extra just for that, I go for the cheapest unless I'm outdoors, I'll just give the surplus to Mama.

We both don't use heat, hairdryers or curling irons, just leave in conditioners and air dry it but curlers make a great difference and turn it a lil spruced up.

I don't think I've epilated my legs with the hair removal tool for months and yet there is barely any fuzz, aside from on my knee.

I have some on my hands and arms but I couldn't care less about that, gone are the days of feeling self conscious.

I think I'm on day 4 of the Vitamin Store multivitamins. I don't know if they are also increasing my periods or if I'm naturally due on.

My cycle is sooo weird! I just called Dic and as usual he didn't answer and then called me back.

I swear he makes crap up, said that he couldn't see me before 10am so I'm definitely going to be late for the following appointment but I can't do anything about it.

I've noticed more and more that my legs won't go where I tell them too.

I'll want them to shift to the right or keep out of someone's path but they'll just do the opposite, it's kinda reminding me of a time where they wouldn't move at all....

Anyway I have enough to stress about, I'm not going to dwell on that issue.

I've found a somewhat easier way to pluck my brows. I was going to get a light up compact mirror but I realised experimenting with the camera has a bonus.

If you flip it to selfie mode, mine illuminates automatically for some reason and it's way easier to see the hairs that need to be plucked underneath the brows, just to tidy up a bit.

Mine look a lot less messy now. They still need a re-shape but at least I'm not cringing as much.

#BlogLife476 - Why does Dic trigger me?

I decided last night while it was dark and I put away the mirror to trim my hair again, the ends just felt long and Spring is upon us, so why not do a haphazard job?

It always feels uneven, no matter what I do. (Ugh cramps are back). I feel quite sicky today but that's probably because it's nearly 4pm and I haven't eaten.

I opted for more sleep, than to get up and cook breakfast, of which I probably would not have had an appetite that early anyway.

Actually I think I did a good job with the hair, when it was wet, it looked all spikey, I've never really had that before and now it's dry, it looks like short layered floppy, volumed hairdo.

It's just a bit too short for curlers now but I can get away with it, just loose and hair tousled and it looked styled.

I just looked at my calendar and there has been 3 periods this month, mostly lasting half a day to 2 days.

Why can't the pmt be that short? Over the weekend, it wasn't even that cold but my body temperature dropped significantly and I had to wrap the blankie around me on maximum heat for half the day until I was warm again.

While I was waiting for Dic and trying to distract myself from the pain creeping up, sitting down is like, someone is pulling my thighs apart, it's a burning sensation.

Anyway I think I was waiting about 10-15mins and he apologised and I just nodded because it's always half hearted.

It struck me that when I was in all those Consultant/Specialist/GP chairs and I was explaining my symptoms, it was always met with these blank expressions.

I always felt I was a nuisance and because I grew up that way, being ridiculed and told that my opinion doesn't matter, it's doubly worse, when you take that onboard that, my health concerns are not important.

There is this back and forth row in my head, am I making this up? Should I not waste their time and suffer in silence?

Are other people more deserving of treatment?? And empathy?? Am I not entitled to compassion and understanding?

When I used to say to Dic, I'm not feeling well and he would just look at me blankly and say Oh but with no heart behind it, it transports me back to seeking treatment.

Now whenever he asks me, I just mutter I'm okay because there's no point expressing myself to someone that doesn't give a damn.

I'm not expecting him to fall to his knees and say Good grief, stop the presses, let me look after you.

But damn just say something like, that's not good or would it kill him to be nice?

Anyway I got side tracked again as Mama is back and she called, well I missed her call and returned it.

She came back yesterday and was resting up and she bought me back sugar cakes.

That's what we call them, it's coconut cakes with.. I'm not sure if it's sugar cane ingredients but it's quite sweet and delicious.

I'm not big on coconut overall but in certain things it blends really well.

I'm excited for that and I can finally give her the belated Mama's Day goodies, the perfumes etc, the last of which should be arriving this week.

Plus I'm dying to get the laptop charger and see if it works. I have to jiggle this one and hear it crackling which unnerves me.

Hopefully next week, eyebrow shape and pedicures, long awaited beauty treatments.

I just don't feel up to going and it has to be in the morning as more chance I will get a seat on the bus and there will be less congestion.

Apologies again for the lateness of posting this but once again I had a fourth period last night yeesh.

I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep, maybe eventually I got a few measly hours and then woke up groggy, napped and waited for my thoughts to collect so I could write something.

I hope you are all well and I can't wait for these multivitamins to be over so I can go back to having maybe 1 period a month, yeesh!!!!

#BlogLife471 - DicTwitless week and weekend??

I've been feeling extra sore these past few days so decided to sleep in and try to combat it.

It helped a bit, I feel more rested but really peckish, I don't know if I'll have another period this month or not.

I properly woke up and checked my phone to see missed calls and I thought ugh Dic has finally remembered I'm due to see him tomorrow.

Usually there are texts or emails or both reminding me of appointments but strangely there was none but it wasn't from him anyway.

Mama called probably to say she is safe and having a blast on her Cruisey. But I missed it, I leave my phone on silent in the evenings as I don't want to be disturbed then or in the mornings.

As an insomniac, it's near impossible to get back to sleep, let alone actually sleep so I don't take the risk of leaving the ringer on.

Maybe she'll try again in the week but I thought texting or emailing would be cheaper, maybe she got a good deal from BT or EE, not sure if she has switched over yet.

I guess the nice thing about Apple is that she can call and talk to them and get lots of help, when she's stuck and they always transfer her phone's details to the new one to make her life easier.

I'm glad about that because using her phone is wildly frustrating as an Androidian.

I did email her to wish her the best for Mother's Day. I guess she'll see it when she gets back.

I'm not sure if she is travelling alone or with friends. She's really independent so it doesn't faze her at all.

I think there are group tours and she probably just makes friends easily, she's fairly approachable as long as you're not rude or creepy.

I'm wondering if Dic has the balls to send the appointment details tomorrow (Friday) on the actual day.

There's no way I'm getting up early and I think I will schedule a grocery order if I haven't heard anything by 5pm.

I'll be reasonable and give some time as it is only 3.30pm and the workday isn't over yet.

I didn't end up hearing from him, so most likely he overbooked or forgot which I was relieved about.

I had another 1 day period yesterday and today nothing. It's so random.

I had to go see Dic as he sent me an appointment over the weekend, ha.

It wasn't bad actually, few minutes of time wasting and then a minute later, all finished.

But it did takes ages to get home. When I start walking, it's as though somebody has taped ankle weights to me.

I feel like my legs are being stretched out and almost like they are about to tear apart.

That's the sensation of everyday walking. Sometimes when I sit down, you would think the pain would fly away..

But it can be as though my feet are being mashed. It's like an iron has been placed on each foot and there is this pressure pushing down upon them.

It's hard to describe chronic pain, it can vary. I'm just glad to be home. 

Oh it's also like wanting to cover my mouth, to stop me projectile vomiting because that is what I'm going through now.

My stomach is in knots and will probably stay like that, until I eat the sandwich I've ordered from Pret, chased down with a fizzy sugar free lemonade.

Oh I just checked my post and happy to report that I got one set of Mama's mini perfumes from Avon, in a cute lil envelope type thing.

All I am waiting for is the next set, next month and that's it. I can't recall if she said it was a 1 week holiday or 2.

I guess I'll find out when she calls me.

#BlogLife462 - I dread summer

It's a strange morning with the sun shining but the wind blowing through me.

Dic called me first thing about 10amish maybe, I was already awake reluctantly as I didn't feel rested enough.

It's pretty funny that my phone rejected him before I did. I hit the answer button and spoke but for some reason it didn't take and it said missed call, instead of answered ha.

I did call the idiot back as it was the third missed call and I was apprehensive at what the hell he wanted..

As per usual, the fool just lets it ring and ring and doesn't pick up but hey, I fulfilled my obligation, I tried..

Then a lil while later he calls again, I get it and what has he been pestering me about nonstop???

Even though he had me there in person? A bloody survey! Yeesh, could have so easily emailed it to me.

What a dope, I couldn't respect him less than I already do!

The weather keeps changing, hot, cold, hot, cold and if there is another heatwave, it will be stifling.

I rely on my blankie so much. I do wish it was longer though, I have to keep tucking my feet in to get the warmth.

But it really soothes the pains so much. I haven't even used the heated massager as much because I don't feel I need as much.

In summer times though, I can't think of any alternative that will be a great pain relief substitution.

It feels so unnatural to fall asleep without a covering on top of me.

Maybe I'll put some icy bottles near me, although they do tend to melt quickly.

I also need to get a face wash, I'm sure the Biore one is almost finished, I thought I had some spare ones actually but nope, probably forget to get some.

I would like to try something new but I hope it doesn't have the scrubby beads, ick!!

The lump is the same and I can't tell if the dark acne scars are fading, my face looks really wonderful and clear, my nails keep growing but chipping.

I do feel less like a zombie and my body feels less delicate but I wonder if the three periods happened this month because of multivitamin intake......

The more I taste of the Nutrigums, the less I like it. It's quite bitter and strong. The hair one was much nicer.

It's the fact that you have to chew it and experience that tang which is off-putting.

Something else I wanted to add relating to yesterday's post is that I don't expect people to be perfect around me but certain things do bother me and I've noticed a lot and I shouldn't have to put up with someone being thoughtless.

For example if I share something personal and the response isn't a kind or caring word, that affects me.

Don't go overboard but just saying ummm... Thanks for being open, or that's tough, makes a world of difference, otherwise I feel I am talking to myself.

I divulged something and the response was......... Ok, well try anyway!

Ughhh!!! I'm not looking for a therapist or to fixed but some understanding sure.

How can I possibly spoil someone and be loving if I feel unheard???

It's like the walls just go back up and I feel underappreciated. Why give myself to a person who isn't showing me they deserve it?

Being alone is so much easier in many ways. Have a delicious weekend and I'll see you Monday.

(At least that's the plan)..

#BlogLife461 - I thought I had you..

My hair is all wild and crazy today but it feels like it's settling down and yesterday I went out, without curlers, without clips and it was set fine.

I'm running low on stationary. I don't know where my pens keep running off to but I forgot to check the market for deals and hopped on to Ebay instead.

I particularly love the gel ink pens. I can't recall if they are all called rollerball but there's a stripey brand which has been consistently good quality.

I just don't know the name of it and I didn't see it anyway. I fancied branching out and instead of the usual blue, black, I got a multipack.

I just hope that the ink is dark enough and the ink flows easily, it makes holding a pen easier.

Sometimes I feel very weak and can't open things or tear or grip comfortably enough and it's frustrating to have to leave it and come back.

Then I just remind myself, I have good days and bad days. I also needed some more hair clips and I saw this set which has beautiful colours so I treated myself.

I'll post the pictures on Twitter when they arrive, probably next week as they are coming with royal mail.

I notice when someone gets too arrogant or at ease with me, they take me for granted.

Just without thought, break plans or become inconsistent with me and don't really care that I've been waiting around or that I could have been doing something worthwhile instead.

Of course exceptions arise and you can't always foresee that and that's life, that's normal.

But it's the expectation that I'll drop everything or that I'm always going to wait around that bugs me.

Especially when someone specifically asks...... Are you going to be around tomorrow......

Then nothing........ It forces me to play games and be unavailable for a day or so to teach them a lesson about wasting my time.

I'm never a sure thing, just because I'm nice to you or accommodating at first....

Don't assume you just have me where you want me, you're in for a nasty rude awakening!!!

Dic is also being super weird. I saw him yesterday and he's been bombarding me with messages and calls that I see him today again.

WTF??!! For what purpose? Maybe because he made a boo boo. Maybe because he'll get into trouble from the log book, that I signed in at 11.59 and then out at 12pm.

One minute meetings are not supposed to occur! But if he forgot to cover something else or expects me to travel to see him today.......

Forget it!!!

#BlogLife456 - Dic-arama

Well finally I know the consequences of missing an appointment with Dic.

He knows Tuesdays are bad for me and yet made an appointment for (tomorrow/today) and this time I'll have to wait for his sorry ass as I didn't appear at the last one.

Either I can reschedule it for the morning and do a whole load of walking up and down, which I really don't fancy.

Or I can have one in the morning and have his in the afternoon, which means I'll be unsettled and unable to relax until after his is over and done with.

I suppose at least I'll get some rest in between but the pain is pretty unforgiving when I'm going out two days in a row, forget about twice in one day..

Meh nothing I can do and why is it when you're waiting for the Postie, he never shows??

I want to run to the kitchen and grab brekkie but if I do that I won't hear the buzzer!

My period is apparently done. I had it for one horrible day and that was it, unless it restarts this week, which can happen.

I remember when I was young and the cramping was so bad. I couldn't go anywhere because I was so uncomfortable and everyone was bragging that they lasted a few days and were done.

Mine was a weekish and heavy and now it is so much different. Although the sugar/chocolate craving is still there.

I'm getting hooked on those Belvita biscuity things.

I'm back from seeing a different Advocate let's call her and I hadn't seen the main one for a while so it was nice to update her on my progress.

She always manages to make me laugh on the Dic antics, she told me she's making an official record of his behaviour and that I should enforce the chair rule and tell him I'd be happy to wait as long as possible.

I don't think any of these people understand chronic pain. That it doesn't just float here and disappear, it builds and builds and get's unbearable.

Five minutes is all it takes, so waiting endlessly, is not an option. She kinda didn't say that not waiting is a viable option.

But I have a sneaky idea. From now on as soon as I get off the bus, I'll just tell him I'm here and maybe by the time I walk there, his ass will finally be downstairs to meet me.

I'm not seeing him until 2.30pm so I think I'll try and nap as I only got a few hours sleep.

A new random P has been keeping me company and it's been a few hours every night, except yesterday we chatted until 2am, which was silly.

I think he fell asleep as he stopped responding or maybe he lost connection or didn't want to talk.

I don't know, will see what he says if he shows tonight. Oh this ones name is P, I thought it was D but nope, it's P lol.

He seems nice but they all do in the beginning. He hasn't pressured me to divulge anything and he doesn't seem needy or insecure.

He's quite funny too which is helping to keep my mind busy and away from the health scare, which is not improving.

No time for makeup and I've put curlers in so I'll do the rest later.

Walking about, my legs felt like lead. Any moment I thought they were going to stop and I've had to reach down and pick them up.

It was also a dry heaving nauseated morning but no cramps at least. 

I'll update this post if I need to vent, if Dic annoys me. Oh and Pro tip don't admit you want to smash someone's face in, out loud.

Keep that violence internal :)

#BlogLife453 - Scrabble threesomes

I'm on an Ayo Jay binge at the moment...

Song of the day - Ayo Jay - Want You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNvcMJQW3Hs&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

The saving grace of yesterday was playing scrabble, my friend wanted to do a multi game with a mutual acquaintance so I set it up.

We have our individual side games, random games and now multi.

I'm not sure of the maximum amount, maybe four.

Oh I changed my ScrabbleGo name from MzHateSmallWords to MzLooneySlews. Ha.

Hell must have froze over as Dic was actually sympathetic and didn't give me a hard time.

He'll probably still send me an appointment for thus week but he'll be disappointed as I explained,  the bus diversion lasts until the following week.

I didn't feel the pain until after I had settled back home.

My feet were throbbing, my hands started locking up and my back was painfully spasming.

I didn't nap, it was too warm to have the blankie over me and I felt a bit stressed and wired. 

I've now holed up in bed at 11pmish as I'm depleted.

The lump is much smaller but still there, sometimes it hurts, other times it's fine. It just looks really bruised and will definitely scar.

I really just want to erase everything from my mind and try to relax but it's difficult. 

When I say I'll force myself to eat. I mean I won't shovel food down.

I'll pick something that I really find appetising and have some of it and see if I start to feel hungry naturally.

That usually triggers it. I practice the philosophy of, eat when hungry, stop when full.

But I also stop eating and drinking after 8pm and I don't want to eat too late as it doesn't digest before bedtime.

All these lil tricks and tips seem to aid the weightloss. Sometimes I'll cheat but usually when I eat well at lunch/dinner times I don't feel hungry.

I didn't do anything productive yesterday so I have some catching up to do but I'm already yawning.

I did sleep mostly well but anxiety and having a long day yesterday has completely drained me.

#BlogLife449 - Dic & Tired (half fiction)

He stood there scowling tapping his foot impatiently.

His face a picture of barely concealed rage.

His eyes almost flashed yellow in a demonic fashion.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I smiled triumphantly that for once he was left humiliated.

My grin spread wider and still I didn't utter a word.

He stepped closer his eyes searing through my retina's, trying to intimidate me.

But I was beyond feeling frail. The molten lava of contempt I felt for him kept me rock solid and I met his gaze with a silent challenge.

That said, try me, push me one step closer to the edge and see what happens.

He blinked, cleared his throat, mumbled an apology and said It won't happen again.

I nodded, stepped back with my right leg and then brought it forward with high speed to land smack in his alarmed face.

Then I let my disgust for him unravel on my face and raised my eyebrow mockingly, turned on my heels and left him bewildered and deeply afraid of my next action at our next meeting.

I have just let out a calming exhale. Obviously the above didn't happen, him apologise, pffffft, yeah right, did hell freeze over??

As usual I am referring to Dic who again completely ignored multiple calls from me, nobody answered reception even though there was a room full of people there.

I can feel that I'm going through PMT because I just felt extra peeved. I mean just scary, murderous anger building up.

I even heard someone that passed by me, saying someone's waiting for you downstairs and she seems really impatient.

He just ignored all of it and then eventually strolled down calmly and took the meeting.

My face was a sight to behold but I kept it in check. No pleasantries but no outbursts either, I'm picking my battles but I can't wait to report it to his colleagues.

Fun, fun, fun, his reputation is going to mud.

Alright enough of him, I'm thinking about returning to my multi vitamins intake, the only one that works for me is Perfectil but I did recently try out Nutrigums as I had a free sample.

It was only a month so it's hard to tell if it had any effects. They do have some special offers going so I'll see which is cheaper

#BlogLife442 - Six Dicless minutes

I'm ecstatic that I came home to find my lippys neatly bundled up. 

I'm always afraid it will spill but the seller sellotaped them together plus added fragile to the padded envelope which was really considerate.

The gold and pink colour is standard but the purple seems more on the pink/red side which is disappointing.

It was drizzling so I don't have much light to work with. I really struggle when it's dark to see properly so I'll re-try them on a clearer day.

I got home about 3pm and I arrived 1.45pm 15 minutes before my appointment at 2pm so because he is an inconsiderate Dic!

I had two choices, either I wait at the bus stop, where I can sit down but it's freezing cold today.

Or I wait indoors where there are no seats and my body is going to scream in pain.

I decided sitting and shivering was the best thing for me. Anyone else would think about hmm, my next client has health problems........Let me not keep her waiting...

Especially as I am a Dic about her being punctual!

Anyway just a few minutes before 2pm I set off, it's just a 2 minute walk, it's really close, thankfully.

I call him up.......... The idiot, doesn't answer. I am just pacing and leaning against the wall, struggling to keep my balance.

The fool eventually strolls in casually. Anybody, would apologise and say, right let's commence with the meeting.

This Dic just says Oh you're here. Why he's always bloody surprised to see me, is beyond my comprehension.

Then he says oh ok, well I'll see you in a bit. WTF!!!!

Loads of his colleagues pass me by and ask if I'm alright because everything is starting to ache and there's no comfortable stance to be in.

If I lean against the wall, my hands are throbbing. If I pace, my legs feel wobbly and as though I won't be able to stand without collapsing.

Finally his highness deigns to come down and I say, I would like to ask a favour.

That you not give me anymore lunchtime appointments as I don't want to be here waiting for you any longer.

This idiot tries to justify himself. Oh I didn't keep you waiting for that long, just six minutes!!!!

Again, no respectful apology or embarrassment or feeling. Such an ass!

So I just retort, yes to you as an able bodied person six minutes is nothing.

To me as a disabled person, that takes it's toll and I am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

Then he says, Oh, hmm, yea I guess you're right, we'll change it from now on.

ASS! It did feel supremely empowering to speak my mind and convey my issues because I really still to this day, struggle with that.

And I hate that I have to continually highlight my conditions as though I am some feeble weakling, that is only about being sick..

But I realised that, hey I am doing whatever I can to get my needs met. 

I have to take responsibility and voice my concerns because I am ill and I do need certain requirements in order for me to function, like everyone else.

My back is just twinging so badly when I'm standing and my hands are getting to their breaking point.

I would love to nap but I don't feel tired, my body is just gone but my brain is working away so I have a feeling, maybe about 6pm I'll finally be exhausted enough to nap, which is not the best time.

However I'm running on empty and I need to rest and by that I mean sleep.

Ooh I just noticed I had put away a pack of lightening soap. I used to use for my spots and it worked supremely well as it was recommended as a pimple treatment.

I didn't need it any longer nor did I want to throw it out so it's a whole bar left for me.

The scars are around my nose and chin and are not going away so I'm going to use the soap as I know that's worked for me before.

I think what I do is gently scrub it into my skin, leave it for a bit and then rinse it off.

I am having a hormonal or sugar breakout at the moment actually.

I may do a mid-week mask to get rid of them. I'll let you know, how long it takes to permanently get rid off the acne scars.