#BlogLife830 - Showcasing a smaller me

I did sleep a bit better last night, although from 4amish, I kept waking up checking the time as the Iceland delivery was due from 8am and they sometimes come earlier.

But no he was on time and everything was in stock. I bought more of the turkey bacon rashers, while they are on offer 2 for £3.50, they are £2.25 each and there is only 6 inside, but very tasty.

I just checked the post and the tape measure arrived, it's so small and retractable.

I put photos up on twitter but at the moment they are coming out blurry and I can't be bothered to re-take them.

Maybe I messed up the settings, although I don't really fiddle with those as I don't really understand them.

It was a late night, I was chatting to T, I don't think I've mentioned him and we just usually have a laugh talking about nonsense.

He mentioned having a phone chat but then he lost his nerve and suddenly said I'm abroad, Don't ask!

And I thought Oh how convenient, he's chickened out as I said If I call, it would be on witheld. I don't usually give my number out.

I thought, you brought up the phone chat and now you're backing off, lol.

There is a distinct lack of manhood these days and what is with the Don't ask bit?

I just had fun with that and asked if he was on the run? Had been deported or was hiding from a woman ha!

I actually thought he went off me as last time, he didn't greet me but maybe he left as I was coming on.

Anyway it was fine until the site kept crashing, he kept being disconnected and I think eventually he gave up and went to bed and this was 12amish maybe?

I spoke to another one on the phone and this was Monday or Sunday and he seemed ok aside from the whispering.

But then he started with the questions..... What are you wearing?

When was your last intimate encounter? The usual crap which turned me right off him.

He just seemed to assume we were going to have a flirty chat, when I said the opposite.

I haven't heard back since and I don't chase, I'm not really bothered about him

I'll end up blocking him tomorrow, if I don't hear anything. The one that really made me laugh and roll my eyes.

Was the one stating he cries at movies and is sensitive and then he said Oh I'm weird, that's just me.

So I agreed and said Well you are male, they tend to be that way and he got all offended haha!

Said he couldn't believe I said that, he brought it up and admitted it.

Dodo, I knew from then, he couldn't handle my sharp directness, too wimpy for my liking.

Sure, be in touch with your feelings, don't be a robot, but come on, if you're gonna mock yourself, don't expect that I won't also.

You opened the door to that and what I said wasn't mean, it was just agreeing, I mean men are oddballs.

They say one thing and mean another. What was he expecting? Me to defend him and say Awww pudding, you're not strange, you're macho.

Purleaseeee!

Ugh I took out a Prime trial on Amazon to avoid the postage costs and they still charged me.

But I got a mini discount, it's basically 2x tops for a tenner each but these are stunning.

I got a blue and a purple one. I had fun taking my new measurements.

I've lost a lot of inches overall. The tops were on clearance and they should be a bit roomy.

They were bigger than my actual size but it's always a guessing game as to whether they will fit.

The price was good though as is the style and I haven't seen anything else that appeals.

They might arrive at the end of the month. Slow standard delivery.

The only thing left to get here, is the other Glow face wash. There isn't any tracking on that.

I know it's not summer yet and I can still hide in my jacket and cover up my figure.

But I keep thinking about when I can't do that and have to reveal the more shapelier version of myself.

I really don't want any extra attention. The whole reason I sabotaged my weightloss journeys was to avoid that.

Maybe I have that body dysmorphia thingy, where you see yourself as bigger than you are.

I still feel hugely self conscious about my size, even though I'm smaller now.

It just doesn't register visually and probably in my brain too. I don't even feel comfortable revealing my dress size.

If I ever get down to a size 20 which is the goal, that just seems more acceptable to admit.

But then again even that just seems like a high number. I'm only referring to myself here, to everyone else, be comfortable in your size but also be true to yourself, if you're not.

From a Doctor's standpoint, I'm supposed to be a size 10 and I have been but to maintain it, I can't eat.

I know this and have lived it so for me, it's unhealthy. I think the same goes for size 12/14 also.

I was closely monitoring myself on the scale and as soon as I ate something I jumped up a size or half and that drove me crazy.

I don't want to deal with that nonsense and obsession so I'm trying to make it realistic.

I'm also concerned that if I dip below an 18, I'm going to try to get thinner and thinner.

That is going to lead to unhealthy eating. That's why I settled on a size 20, it seems more attainable and not a perfect size but at least it's an improvement.

It took a long time to re-train my brain that it wasn't about being skinny and tiny.

It was about health and what suited me personally. I want to get to a point, where I can love my curves.

I've tried to do that, in all the sizes I've been but I've never quite achieved it.

Another reason for this, is that if I ever find someone decent, I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Soooo self assured that I can spot if they're trying to belittle me and I won't end up taking it onboard and believing the lies.

I don't know if I'll ever get to a stage where I'm fine with being intimate but liking my shape is a good start.

The problem with me and dating, was that I had no confidence and men just feasted on that information and relished that I settled with them.

They thought I can be an ass to her and she doesn't know, she can do better.

I don't ever want to put myself in those situations again, which is why I'm continually working on myself, to prevent that.

It's tough though, I have no healthy relationships to compare it too.

I've never be seen and accepted the way I am, so occasionally I do question, if I am the issue?

I do have my quirks, I don't trust, I have problems communicating, I avoid dating and I deflect and make it near impossible for people to get close to me.

But I'm constantly trying to be a fraction less closed off and only to those that deserve my time.

I still feel better having boundaries, that should not be crossed, unless permitted.