#BlogLife834 - I'm not his or his type, I'm my own type

I've been conversing with H he's new. We've just about swapped names, no numbers or emails.

But we talk every night although it's only been a few times.

I don't really remember when we first started.

He's asked for the blog link, I declined, then for a photo, I said I was too uncomfy.

And that I understood that was most assuredly a deal breaker..

But No he surprised me and said he would wait.

Now tonight he said he wouldn't mind getting together for a coffee.

I didn't shoot that idea down, even though my stomach would be in knots.

I would agonise over my outfit. What if we didn't get along in person?

What if he's married or cruel or hates me on sight?

I have all these thoughts running around, not letting me sleep.

He thinks we'll stay in touch, if it doesn't work out and there's no connection.

But I tend to dismantle whatever was built up and walk away.

It's not going to feel the same knowing the sparkle has left us and floated away.

What if it does turn out swimmingly? He sees my photo and doesn't reject me?

Then my problem becomes, How do I let my guard down?

How do I trust and open up and learn to lean on someone..

Knowing that when I've done that previously it blows up in my face repeatedly.

I'm either told, Wait actually I'm just in it for sex, I'm married, I want you to be different/good enough so I can accept you.

Stop being so independent, tell me everything so I can judge you, approve or disapprove of your choices.

Don't you think you're milking being ill, surely you can do more.

Smile more, let's see you make an effort to be cheerful.

Devote your time to me unconditionally but at the same..

Don't you for one minute, think I'll do the same for you.

I need you, when I decide but the rest of the time, consider yourself useless and this friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship I can take or leave.

And that's just the emotional side of things.

The physical.. Well..

I'm safe online but offline, I'm ice cold. I don't know how to act normal.

A hug means something different to me.

It's facing danger. It's pretending I'm okay with what happens next.

The potential groping. The hands that wander while I die inside.

I can't move away fast enough. There was no warning.

I wasn't prepared. I am trapped in hell.

And all this is from just a simple embrace.

If I can't deal with that, how can I possibly deal with the rest of it?

And how do I tell someone I'm dating about my past?

Hey You Stranger, Well aside from being ill that will progressively gets worse..

I have self esteem issues, sometimes I'm ok and other times I don't like myself.

How do you casually slip it into a conversation? I had a traumatic childhood which resulted in losing all of my expression.

My walls that I've built up to armour myself are sky high, even I don't know how to dismantle them.

Also I don't like being touched.

Also I don't trust anyone but myself.

Also if something's up, good or bad, You won't be my first contact.

Because I always strive to help myself so that I look strong and capable.

And if it's something good, I don't feel I can rush to tell you because I'm always being made to feel unwanted.

A pest, a nuisance and undesirable presence.

Lastly to put it out there and be completely honest. I'm still reeling from being physically/emotionally hurt.

I don't know how to just forget or get over it. It's a big part of me.

That I don't want to talk about, with anyone!

So what do I do now? Go back to the shadows, where invisibility is my home?

It's safe, it's natural, it's just so much easier.

It's just no longer satisfying as I continue to evolve.

Still me, but now sharing all my scars and hoping to heal some day.

This blog is too much of an open heart, that's just to vulnerable, to let it be seen by someone I know.

A potential romantical interest, has no business knowing all of my anguished thoughts, they are private!

Ugh I need sleep.

Just to be clear in why I stayed around these people, some didn't say the above directly, I read between the lines.

I guess for the rest, I was hoping they would eventually like me for me, see my potential and accept me.

Or even put in the same effort as I did, rooting for it to work out, so they wouldn't lose me.

And then I would know for sure, somebody out there, cared about me, not because of what they could get out of me, but because I was worthy of it.

A strange update on H, we progressed to texting and he didn't mention phonecalls yet, so I let that slide.

But over the weekend while he was texting, I got a weird text from unknown number, that just said Lol.

That's not the start of a chat, that's the middle of one, I looked through my blocked contacts and didn't see that number anywhere.

I asked H, if he texted me from a new number and he said No. 

I can't help but wonder if he texted me accidentally and didn't want me to have his other number?

Or could it be a genuine wrong number text? Anyway let's cast that aside, I just blocked it because no other message came through explaining it.

On Friday we were both kinda messing around, winding each other up, no big deal, harmless fun.

But then I thought I would be extra wicked and just pretend to end it so I said the usual parting shot.

As he was saying Goodnight, I said Goodbye, have a nice life.

My usual breakup speech. As I had been kinda working up to that, I thought he would've said something funny in response.

Like...... You can have custody of the sofa but I get the cushions, I don't know lol, but he didn't say anything at all.

I figured Hey, maybe he didn't see it and is sleeping. Saturday comes around, still nothing.

I texted him in the afternoon and still nothing so either he assumes, I really wanted to part company or he's being equally evil and Monday will just say something like..

Were you worried? Did you regret leaving me etc.. I do find it weird he hasn't contacted me.

Does he really think I'm serious? We've been getting along pretty well.

 I do enjoy his company so far, he's got the mixture of joking and serious so it's kinda easy to be in any mood with him.

Plus he's usually the first to initiate texts. I've texted him twice with no response, I'm not doing a third.

I'm almost tempted to just randomly call and say Boo, but I got this odd feeling he wouldn't answer.

So the ball is in his court and if he can't take a joke or pretend rejection and doesn't want to hang out anymore, then so be it.

It all seems ridiculous to me. It's more to do with us speaking daily, whether or not we're both busy, that's what gets me.

Maybe he is just juggling a lot? Do I regret texting what I did? Nope because I'm a jokester, it's what I do, what is life without humour?

If on Monday, I have to scream Nextttt, then so be it. I will block and move on.

I did like him a fair bit though, this one is gonna sting for a bit. I mean if I really was trying to boot him, I wouldn't have texted him on Saturday.

Maybe he's trying to wind me up by playing hard to get or actually, I've just realised, maybe he's relieved.

I mean that would explain things. I'm just guessing, I've no clue but the only thing that makes sense, is that he prefers me out of his life.

He didn't object or chase me and I'm not pursuing someone that clearly isn't interested.

Or maybe he thinks I was going to badger him repeatedly, feed his ego to talk to me??? Hell no!

I just blocked him it's past 12pm and today, just seems like he was more inclined to get in touch, as he kept saying Monday morning we'll talk, I'll take the day off etc etc..

I can breathe now because I was just phone watching all weekend and all of today.

Driving myself crazy and I realise, that I was the one that started this and maybe without knowing, it was a test..

But the results are crystal clear, apathy. He's not bothered either way, even though it was a week of closeness because we did talk a lotttttt.

I think we got on fine, laughed a lot, shared a bit, we were sometimes silly, other times serious.

I'm going to miss him as he kept me interested. I wasn't bored at all and we barely gave each other space.

Which isn't healthy and I don't mind them being preoccupied but being ignored on purpose, I have a problem with that.

He could have easily said, I'm dealing with pressing matters, I'll be in touch next week.

Going from talking every day to silence, is just unnatural. I have to stop waffling on.

I just wanted to get him out of my system for good. I'm just not ready to say Goodbye though, even though I blocked him for my sanity.

It's horrible to look at the phone and wish it would pop up with a call or a message, from someone you actually want to hear from.

Then with a sinking feeling, you realise that's never going to happen again ugh :(

I should eat but I have no appetite and I'm cramping. You know what it is?

It's an unsatisfying conclusion, something that had potential or wasn't apparently ready to fizzle out yet..

But it did end prematurely, just on my part, not his. Oh Postie arrived with goodies..

I might be publishing late tomorrow, I'm going for a pedicure with Mama and I'm not sure if we're going for an early lunch too.