#BlogLife148 - If I keep slapping you and say I'm sorry, does it count?

Hey all. How's it going? What's new? Okay back to me. I have noticed an increasing amount of people making continuous errors and hurting others but expecting forgiveness.

So I can't help but wonder, would you let someone off the hook if they kept hurting you but were always apologetic afterwards? Does it make it right?

Is it appeasing you somewhat? Better an act of self reflection than none at all, correct? Or is it helpful for them to actually step out, take a moment and say.....

Wow I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I don't forgive myself, let alone expect you too. I was out of order and forgot myself.

I'm going to take real steps to find out how to fix this and treat you with respect from now on. Then and only then will I possibly earn your forgiveness..

Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? You have let this person damage you and either have not spoken up or have not made any threats for them to change.

But there is always time to stand firm and make your position clear and you can say to me but S, why don't you do the same huh?

You give us this great advice but I don't see you following through with your family? Why is that? Seems like a double standard to me....

I was thinking about this today. I guess I figured out stuff or am ready to share my findings.

The truth is that growing up as I did, where I had no expression, nobody found anything wrong with that. I wasn't ever encouraged to talk more or join in.

My parents and siblings who all bullied me, found a comfort in keeping me silent. Either they weren't aware of it or they were but didn't care.

My siblings verbally harassed me to the point where I feared for my life. I expected to die at their hands or my own. It was just something I had in the back of mind for a very long time.

My parents on the other hand didn't see that their whole negative criticisms of me were so harmful that I sunk lower and lower and lower.

With those two sets of attacks I had/have no recourse because they see nothing wrong with that behaviour and it continues to this day.

I personally see no point in confronting them because it's like talking to a wall of ignorance. Nothing get's through and if for a second it did.

I know the response would be..........

Hmmm, really. Well it happened a long time ago, so time to forgive and forget. Everybody else has moved on and you're the one immature person still holding a grudge.

Get over yourself please because we're are all tired of you blaming us and not taking responsibility for being a good lil victim who she keep her damn mouth shut!!!!

I realise for sure that is what I would hear because I have tried and instead of them holding up their hands and admitting fault, saying you know what...?

Wow, you girl are speaking facts. It was hard for you growing up and I should be more tolerant and treat you better.

I am still held accountable for not letting it go. Bullying is bullying it destroys from the inside out. I don't care it happened a long time ago but still occurs now.

It makes no difference as it still affects how I see myself and that there are times I think of myself as subpar.

I want to know, why I must be the grownup and say, it's acceptable that you treated me like I wasn't worth anything and let's be friends again.

Let us go back to me being deathly afraid that I would die. Let me go back to not expressing myself or disagreeing.

I'll just sit here and panic and wish I were dead laying in the ground instead of watching what I say and do because you control the household and I am a puppet.

F*ck you and f*ck the hell off!!!!