#BlogLife222 - I'm too alphette for you

If boys are alpha, what are girls? 

Alphette? Alphina? I've no idea.

All I know is that life shapes you, when you are young and impressionable.

I'm constantly aware of people's behaviour towards me and I try not to let them take advantage which is tricky because at times you want to think the best and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe I've become too cynical, too tough because of it. I feel like I am stronger and more independent than any of the randoms I come into contact with.

Are girls/women supposed to remain soft and mushy forever? 

I guess it depends on the life you lead or what you have gone through.

Mine's been rough but then I compare it too some of the volunteer chats I've taken and yikes..... Nowhere close.

Where have I been?

Right here but I had no words in me. I felt depressed but only hormonally speaking.

I feel there was an extra surge, as I skipped last month and my head is still fuzzy.

I am at the point where, every lil thing I have to do is overwhelming me, so nothing is getting done.

No matter what I do and say to myself, I can't pull out of it yet. It's got a tight grip on me.

I had a takeout tonight, I really fancied a chicken and avocado panini and some cake and the bag felt so heavy.

As I was unpacking it, I found 2 whole cartons of soy milk...... Ha!!

Who orders a sandwich and soy milk, from a cafe? At first I thought it was a replacement but I got everything.

Even the cake was hugeee. I had a tiny bit and shoved the rest in the fridge.

I've noticed something weird about me. As soon as my mama said..

"Oh the trousers you bought were too big? You must have lost weight!"

I've been snacking more and eating unhealthy foods. Subconsciously I'm trying to put the weight back on.

Why??

A part of me, hates that my mama only seemed to accept me and be all smiley when I was slimmer.

It's been haunting me, that on all our shopping trips together, if something was the tiniest bit too small...

She was soooo damaging with her criticisms and it wasn't even the words.

It was the looks and the attitude. "Really, it doesn't fit? Ughhh."

It's like she wanted me to disappear completely. Not eat, just exercise 24-7 and yet when I became as obsessed with it, similar to her.

She said.. "Hey I'm watching you, eat something." I think the whole thing is *insert swear word* me off.

As she sees my bitchy cousins as ideals, when they aren't nice, decent or respectful, just because they are slim.

Whereas I, constantly trying my best to lead a good life and be polite.....

Arghhhhh. This should not still bother me but it bloody does! No matter what I accomplish.. It's like she has written me off as not a real woman/daughter..

You can call me tough on the outside but soft on the inside but that's not accurate.

I reckon I am purely a brick wall. That's why it's tough for people to get close because I don't want anyone weak around me.

I refuse to let their weaknesses infect me. It took forever to repair the confidence that everyone took away from me.

I don't want to be that insecure girl/woman anymore. I understand parts of me will be self conscious about certain areas like my body/intelligence but I can also see how far I've come.

It might be strange to be seen as an Island but it's oxygen to me.

I hope this makes sense. It turned rambly because normally I'll start and finish a post and be done with it, while it's still fresh but this one, I couldn't get any feeling behind it, so it was on pause.

I'm not sure I will post tomorrow. It was hard enough to write this one.

I'll just wish you all the best and hope that you have a delightful time over the weekend 

:)