#BlogLife134 - You want romance? Read a book

It's probably going to be a one off with A but it's funny how sparks fly when someone get's you. You don't have to clarify, they are like, yea I hear you.

And he did. A lot more than I am used too. We began chatting about alsorts, some serious, some lighthearted and some seriously just silly ha.

Me being cheesy is a necessary part of me. I use that as a tool to cope with being ill. To deal with not sleeping. To quench the fear and unease that washes over me at times.

But when someone really understands how quirky my brain works it's magical because there are no put downs. 

So when a random goes with it and is messing around too, it puts me in a chilled state. However some just make fun and assume I'm brainless.

Which is idiotic but I just cut them off and pick someone else. I had this one particular person that was humourless but he kept trying to fixate on me for some reason.

He seemed quite annoyed but yet he didn't change tones. He was trying to coerce a connection over and over again but it didn't work.

The thing with me is I mix up my engagement with others. I can start off immature with something over the top and then sprinkle bits of real insight and still be entertaining.

I think I realised that as unusual as these occasions are. They are more tender then my actual dates and that's a bitter realisation.

I don't feel bad. It's just the way it is. When I was dating. There was no fondness, no excitement, no infatuation towards me. There were just guys who saw this broken insecure girl to exploit and attack.

You would think hanging out would be this cosy new adventure. Let me do nice things for you, let me check up on you. Let me look after you.

Even with the men that claimed to be smitten. There was never any decency. It was just.... Let me talk about sex. Let me kiss or fondle you without your permission, behave inappropriately and don't try to stop me.

Now it's like I have these randoms saying things like....What would your perfect date consist of? I don't think any boyfriend has ever asked me that.

And how was your day? Is there anything bothering you, do you want to talk about it? Of course these are not dates in the traditional sense.

Some are unpleasant but then I just politely make my excuses and leave. To the remaining. I finally get to have a conversation. I get to share my thoughts.

I get to speak about something meaningful. I guess you could call it intellectual stimulation and it can be addictive but then I distance myself and have an auto erase function in my brain.

I don't recall anything of the night. It's a completely blank slate so when the guy is saying, hey it's you and wow I remember our chat fondly.

I'm thinking.......Oh crikey, which one is this? Was it pleasant for me too? Then I just flesh out the details and think, it's fine but something is missing.

Or this is actually a fun chat. I'm laughing a lot. I think because it's a temporary acquaintanceship I pull back but sometimes it spills over and there is someone new in my life.

Mostly though it just never feels quite right. Either they are too chatty, not communicative enough. It's bland or I just don't feel invested.

The weird thing about some of them is that I think they approach me out of boredom or habit. There is the bare minimum thought put into it.

Then other instances it's like they switched on their brains and say, have you thought about such and such and it's a tangible interaction.

But why don't they do that consistently? If you aren't in the mood to talk........Then don't. You don't see me chasing you and pleading for attention.

I'm busy multi tasking. I have 4 tabs open, although one of them is youtube :D