#BlogLife279 - Blogger or storyteller?

My eyes are closed but my brain is still talking, still trying to unravel. Mostly I was told to shhh and now when I don't communicate I feel like I should be talking.

I just don't have anything to say. Should I force myself, is that any better for you or me?

I feel discombobulated. Isn't that a great word? Confused or disconnected it means.

When I first got my thesaurus I swear I read through the whole thing and some words just stuck. I wasn't even sure what they mean't but those pretty unusual words were beautiful to me.

I couldn't express myself but if I ever could these big shiny new words were there to help me along.

A small part of me wants to carry on blogging and writing fiction. A whole lot of me is traumatised from what happened to me in the past and the present.

I thought that I had dealt with a lot of stuff and I tried my best to make peace with it. It wasn't ideal but I rationalised that my problems were really just not that big a deal.

But despite the outside world interpreting it as normal and making me feel as though I was overreacting. It wasn't typical behaviours.

If it was, I wouldn't be having flashbacks and recalling exactly how petrified I felt in that instance.

I've told myself to move on and forget and I tricked myself because parts of me did and so I figured.. Hey I'm doing great, I can function again, I'm not overwhelmed anymore.

I'm not depressed but it's all still there lurking until a trigger pulls it out and it says Coooooooeeee, remember me?? I'm still here, waiting for you to deal with me properly.

Now I'm trying to recognise how awful things were and that it wasn't my fault and I was trapped.

I couldn't help myself because I didn't know how. I tried to talk but again, I just didn't know how to communicate at all.

The words seemed to die before I could get them out. It's a lot to process.

That I should have been happy, felt safe, been cared for but there was always a sense of foreboding.

I'm struggling to feel better because even though there is a lot to say......... I still can't say it!

My brain is in a holding pattern, thoughts are broken, even if they appear.

As usual music is filling the space..

Medellin by Madonna/Maluma, 

Ella Y Yo by Don Omar/Aventura. 

I like these catchy soothing songs. Sometimes it's better that I don't understand the language so my brain can roam free and work out what it needs to without interruptions.

I'm still having random issues with the charging case for the Q33 earbuds so I updated my review on Amazon to reflect this and the seller reached out to enquire how they could help.

I just explained that it has difficulty displaying it's depleted and in need or restoring back to health and they said..

Let me send you a new one and I said no need too really but they persisted and I received it yesterday about 4pmish.

I haven't open the packet. I'll get to it this weekend probably.

My sleeping pattern is still up and down but there are less dreams. I'm thankful for that.

I don't know if this will come out today or Monday. I'm sorry about that but I'm taking one step forward and two steps back at present.

I'm on Chapter 30 of the cop/mover saga and I've changed the title yet again. There seems to be much more to tell so it's not ending anytime soon and I wanted to wrap it up but I can't.