#BlogLife633 - Crazy Self Therapy 8 - Split body personality? 18+

Song of the day - Faouzia/John Legend - Minefields

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P12elIHd2e8&list=WL&index=41

Hey Doc I feel different as though I'm just now awakened or aware of something. 

Maybe it's the same for everyone who has admitted what they've been through in the past and brought it out into the open so it lives and breathes and becomes real.

Instead of hidden and pseudo forgotten as though it happened but it didn't and the weight of it had been dismissed for so long that it held no power until now..

One of the randoms inadvertently addressed it. I get called boring and weird because I don't always flirt back or welcome being touched.

And it always tends to annoy me because aside from that side of the things, I can be amusing or intellectual or interesting but that doesn't seem to matter or get acknowledged.

It's not the same for everyone but during my cycle I may get spicy feelings.

I've read steamy stories because it's not my genre it's easier to follow and not re-write, although these still seem to be targeted at men.

There are no prolonged details or much emotion affixed to them.

I've had very flirty chats and some are romanticised and some are amusing or more realistic than others.

But there is always this split personality quarreling inside or saying I should be solely this side or that.

Let's break them apart, the intellectual, the productive, the responsible one we will call SS.

The more daring, more romantic, more mingly side, we will call Fem.

I can have a smart conversation and my brain feels satisfied and that my time has not been wasted.

But maybe something is missing? The same goes with a light or deeper flirty get together.

I definitely eventually miss my mind being stimulated. That's so strange.

I had a dual interaction which is rare. He wasn't disrespectful, just seemed a bit troubled, D let's call him.

I wouldn't say he was depressed and monopolising the conversation, he seemed very intelligent and kind really.

It was only a short chat but I enjoyed it. He was lightly flirtatious but then so was I.

I don't normally enjoy playing therapist but he was easy to talk too.

I think I helped in a small way and I don't often get those interactions that cater to the brain and the body.

I feel like a pretender, as though I swept everything under the carpet and just told myself I was okay.

Crazy self therapy has definitely helped address these issues that I buried deep inside.

I don't know how much of this to share, a woman's sexuality just seems like a taboo subject still.

I think if you grow up normal and have standard relationships, than it's easy to migrate to a physical and cope with it.

If you're someone like me though, who grew up thinking there was something wrong with myself, who had this constant target on my back, from others telling me I didn't measure up..

To their standard of beauty or intelligence or popularity, it messes with your head and confidence.

I have dreams and fantasies and those are great for fiction, most don't go into story-form but snippets might.

But still the thought of being physical with a man, puts me into a state of panic.

I think I've realised it's not so much nerves, it's definitely fear of being in a situation that I'm not in control of.

That part of me, when I'm not hormonal, feels dead. My body is just shut down and I trace it back to the 17yr old me.

I don't know how to get past it and I'm not sure I want too.

But I'm still a woman and not flirting back, doesn't take that away.

Me, again your ever faithful Doc. I don't always comment on your sessions but for this one I wanted too.

You know this already but I'm going to say it again. You know why they call you dull and uninteresting?

You're strong willed and don't just go with the flow, you speak your mind and some men can't handle that.

They don't want to look internally and fix what might be wrong, so they lash out at you, out of frustration and blame you for their failings.

As for what you went through in your past and still struggle with today, I hate to repeat myself but it is perfectly normal.

People deal with things in their own way, using different methods.

You don't have a supportive network so you didn't get to vent about it, you didn't get to cry it out and be raw and comforted.

You had to keep it hidden and just paper over it and pretend to heal in order to move forwards.

Now you have the time to air it out and it's still going to take time to confront all that has happened.

But I truly believe eventually you will feel better and get to a place where you'll never quite forget it but neither will it have a stranglehold on you as intensely as before.

Keep being brave and talking about all the things you couldn't.

Trust your instincts, always be comfortable and aware of your surroundings and if you have to leave, know that, it's not because you are a coward, it's because you're strong enough to do what's best to not endure more toxicity.