#BlogLife708 - What's been your favourite decade?

One of the randoms posed this question and I had to think about it carefully because I wasn't entirely sure of the answer.

When I was young kid, I don't think I really grasped the dangers around me, I didn't have the mental capacity to work it out, so maybe I had some carefree times and no responsibilities.

When I was pre-teen to a teenager I think that's when I realised that I couldn't open up and trust anyone with my secrets because there was too much fakery all around me.

But I was also maturing and discovering, different looks, experimenting with clothes and makeup and no longer wearing glasses, switching to contacts.

My skin was clearing, my shape was developing. I felt different, womanly but still naive and child-like.

I'm not sure I had any confidence but my brain was switching and it was trying to emerge and trying to figure out, how to feel good about myself and adapt to being more sociable.

In my twenties I think I just buried my past and tried to date and feel normal and come to terms with having health issues that limited my activities.

I looked the slimmest in my teenager and twenties. I ate less, worked out routinely and it was my obsession to try and be perfect on the outside, while the inside was a whole mess of uncertainty.

Late twenties to early thirties, once again I got damaged physically and this was also permanent but this was more serious and took a long time to recover.

I resigned myself to being single and taking care of myself and something changed when I did that.

I think I just stopped caring what men thought of me, what they saw when they looked at me and I focused on what I saw, what I perceived myself to be.

I didn't want to impress anyone anymore. I want to be myself and be accepted. I wanted to be respected and cherished for all my good and bad qualities.

I began detaching from people who wanted to use me and neglect me, thinking they had some power over me.

I stopped giving so much of myself away and became ridiculously cautious around others.

My walls are as high as they have ever been and I don't care, if I've become hard to get to know.

I don't care that I'm closed off. I don't care that I prioritise my own needs and safety first because that's what I need to do to survive this world.

Now in my forties, my confidence has naturally grown but I still feel there is too much darkness inside of me, for anyone to treat me, the way I deserve.

No matter what I do, I can't shake that feeling because although romance lives in my head, the stories I'm writing are playing out..

New stories or daydreams are unfolding, there always seems to be these real conversations and within those rare honest insights...

Where I'm speaking that, I don't really allow myself to dwell on..

I always act the same way and say the same things..

Why do you care about me?

What do you see in me?

Tell me the truth, you honestly are pretending to care, right??

I can't seem to accept that somebody really sees all of me and still welcomes me into their life.

That some guy out there, sees me as enough, that I'm worth getting to know, hanging out with, caring about, falling for....

So what has been my favourite decade? All of them and none of them.

I had so many different good and bad experiences. I've been depressed, I've been fulfilled, I've been scarred and I've been hurt so badly that I didn't want to face another day..

But all these things that happened made me more in touch with my feelings.

It became so intense that eventually the writer in me was born. If I could take it back, I'd want a different life, a happier one.

But I don't think I would be the same person. I wouldn't be able to dig deep and share all these fears and realisations with you.