#BlogLife771 - Letters of doom and gloom

Song of the day - Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOXaPE6gklI

I love this depressing song from Rocky, I don't know which part but as I was playing random music it came on and trapped is how I feel.

I've just paid my last official rent payment and I don't know what will happen from now on.

I feel like I had to stop living in the clouds and psyche myself up to go out, take out the rubbish and scarily look at the post and there it was, well 2 official looking letters.

Scary brown envelope and one white one. My stomach's churning, thinking about all the evidence I'm about to hand over to them, to seal my fate.

On Friday, either before my appointment or after, I will head to the bank and hopefully it will be straightforward to obtain the printed statements.

I finally just bit the bullet and loaded up Paypal and was having trouble customising the date range.

But then under download it mentioned a specific area, where you could add in the date range and particulars you wanted to create an activity report, I think it was called.

I did that and they said, they would email me when it's ready, I only recognised pdf so I chose that format and I'm hoping, it will be ready before Friday.

I know I should have done it sooner but I was freaking out too much, to be frank and I couldn't even login to Paypal or my Bank.

Actually I was going to wait until I was on the phone to Mama, to open the letters but I thought just in case there were Paypal instructions, I had better open them.

It's not as bad as hoped actually. It's the letter to say the Housing Benefit is officially stopping, as I'm "supposedly" moving on to Universal Credit.

There is an option to login to check how my claim is doing. I can't face that yet.

I know I'm a big chicken but one step at a time.

The way she kept harping on about following the instructions to a tee, I thought there was a ton of things to do but it's just mentioned, that I have to include the statements in the prepaid envelope and that is it.

I mean that is still a big deal and my brain does keep spiralling, thinking what if the debt is so high I can't even breathe?

In one way I feel strangely calm that I have at least managed to do half of what is required.

The Paypal thing was unnerving me, I wasn't sure how complicated that would be, how do you print out pages, when you have to keep scrolling down?

I also hope the Library is still open, still has computers and printers and will let me use it.

I'm not a member and I know there's a small printout fee, for each paper, maybe 5p or 9p, that was years ago, it is probably more like 40p each now.

I guess I just will open up my email, and print the attachment. I don't think I need to download it first right?

It's been a long while since I printed something. Oh wow, Go Paypal, I just checked my email and it's ready to download.

That is sorted at least. Oh I have to copy down that login and the email one, I don't know them by heart.

Alright all done, I snapped a pic of them, as I don't want to write them down actually.

I do feel a bit better now. I guess it's the thought of the unknown that was panicking me.

Now I'm just co-operating and waiting to see what happens next...

Oh and last night, T, checked up on me. I don't know if he was just bored but he asked me how I was doing.

And I just felt weepy really, so I just said Scared and then he pressed and asked for details.

As I pretty much thought he would, except what could I say?

I'm notoriously private. I'm having financial issues? Nope, I never discuss money.

I'm having legal issues? Nope, too personal. I kept it vague and said It doesn't matter.

Then he said Do you want hugs? And I thought, what I want is to be comforted, to hear, it's going to be ok.

I don't want any flirtiness, not while I'm vulnerable like this.

So again, I just laid my feelings bare and said What I want is to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Pretty pathetic.

And he said the right thing, which was That is allowed.

My last reply was Not for me. I put up a tough front and I do, around others.

It's only when I'm alone, do I crumble and let it all out. I berate myself for being weak,

Especially around other people because of the many judgements and exploitations.

He didn't reply further and I was getting sleepy so that is that. Oh I guess there is one last thing.

I kinda figured out, what is next on the latest Christmas story, I wasn't sure where to go but then I figured it out, so I have updated it, but that one is still in drafts.

Hopefully if I get the chance to conclude it, it will be unveiled in December.

It needs a lot of work. It will probably end up being another mixed emotions story.