#BlogLife767 - Mind over matter/I am a bad person

I've been away two seconds and look, talking to you again. It was so strange me and Mama kept missing each others calls.

And I was starting to get worried, that it just disconnected each time.

But I thought I would try one more time and luckily it rang and we chatted, turns out, we had been calling each other at the exact same time, repeatedly.

She said that she wished she could have a windfall so that we wouldn't have to rely on anyone for cash and that she would have liked to have cruised together or gone on a holiday.

So I try to keep it as light as possible and reminded her that we had many lovely trips together.

Especially the Iceland ones, remain my favourite to date and while there we were on a ferry and it was so rough, I was glued to the bathroom.

So we both laughed because I said I was notoriously motion sick, even to this day, car journeys affect me.

When I used to travel to Morefield's, sometimes my stomach would not stop lurching.

She was worried about me too, but I told her to think positive and hope for the best.

I can worry for both of us, I'm an expert. I don't want to force my problems onto people, it doesn't seem appropriate, probably because it was never a natural thing.

I'm the supporter, not the supported.

I didn't mean to worry L, with all she is coping with and T was actually pretty sweet and understanding, he sent hugs and didn't press, which I thoroughly appreciated.

I'm not attention seeking, I'm just trying to deal with this by myself.

I mean hell, I would love a shoulder to cry on but I'm upset and dehydrated enough, I'm not sure there is any moisture in my eyes left.

I'm trying not to get into bad habits, but my stomach was in knots and food was the last thing on my mind, despite still being on my monthly.

I had the sum total of a bag of crisps today, those hula hoop puft yummy ones and a few sips of water and that was all I could deal with.

I would usually do a grocery shop, but what if I can't afford food anymore?

As long as my rent and bills are covered, I can go back to what I did before, when there was barely any money for food available.

Bread and fillings, very cheap and cheerful meal rations or just drink water as a meal replacement.

It will be budgeting and weight-loss all wrapped up in one neat bow.

I should sleep, weirdly enough the thing I found that put my mind at ease, aside from talking to Mama, was youtubey food videos, gaming and talking to you lot.

Maybe I'll try and do a rush job and finish all the stories, that would be so weird.

I did have some sleep but before that my mind was racing and it was the same this morning.

Although what I did, now makes me a bad person, at least I haven't ever tried to hurt anyone.

I can be a mature adult and say I deserve whatever happens to me.

Even though, it kills me, that I'm playing right into his hands, he wants me to be despondent and depressed and feel there is no way out.

What aggravates me is that Mama just fed into the beasts hand, when she told my ex sibling.

Oh what you did, she is very upset about. I mean he's probably laughing his evil head off, thinking great, my plan worked.

Destroy her at all costs. I'm beginning to think he's driving me to a fatality, just end her peace and drive the final nail into the coffin.

It's working, the very lil peace of mind I had left, is now obliterated.

I'm convinced I'm going to be fined an exorbitant unaffordable amount, raked through the coals, incarcerated and therefore homeless if I ever survive it.

Or that all benefits will stop, with a huge fine added, and there will be no way to pay my expenses and I'll end up evicted and homeless.

Try to think on the bright side? I don't think I can. Weirdly enough, I think this helps to just put all my fears out there.

I'm going to miss my huge memory foam mattress bed, so comfy, I could hide under the duvet and pretend I'm safe from all evil.

It's the waiting that's hard to bear. The not knowing my fate.