#BlogLife766 - I don't know if I'll survive this time... Goodbye?

I said I was going to make breakfast and yet here I am writing tomorrow (today's) post.

Yesterday I thought I would get some trousers. They had the black, blue and brown shades.

I don't buy brown as it washes out a caramel complexion but I've already got the blue and black, so I thought to hell with it.

I haven't bought anything brown since I was a teenager but I have to change things up.

The reason I like these, is because I can choose the leg length and I go for 29" as I am a shortie.

I wonder if I should have chose 27. I just saw a purple winter nightie but at £25 that seems a lot, it does have good reviews though.

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Here we are again, I just got a call to say.. You've been reported and you're in trouble.

He went ahead and did it, how spiteful does someone have to be? And when it's your own ex family stabbing you in the back, well that's just life, I guess.

The most horrid people get away with doing the unthinkable and the rest of us deal with the consequences.

Again I'm not perfect but I am just trying to get through this life. I was supposed to declare something and I omitted it.

Because that specific thing was never asked about, I just told myself it wasn't relevant and forgot about it.

I've always tried to be responsible and upfront but for this one thing I just chose a different path to the normal.

Now I have to give a bunch of bank/paypal statements within 2 weeks of receiving the demands letter and I guess I'll probably be fined and possibly prosecuted.

All I want to do is pay my monthly bills and try to escape the stress and chronic pain/exhaustion/depression.

Most of my financial obligations are gas, electricity, water, council tax, phone, broadband and rent.

Plus buy groceries. This is a list of my expenses and a description of what it is every month.

My council tax is £16 a month.

My rent is £615.52 but not all of is covered, (£540.48 I receive and contribute £75.04 per month).

My thames water bill is £40 a month.

Oh yea forgot about the TV licence bill, which is £15 a month, when I don't watch television, just Youtube.

EDF for electricity and gas is £33 and £42, I don't know which is which. £75 in total.

My BT is £37 for landline and broadband and I don't use my home phone.

My EE mobile phone contract is £18.89.

Let's add all that up and that's not including groceries, extras,  household and Oyster travel expenses.

That's £780.41 including my rent contribution.

Now let's add the JSA monthly addition, £181 x2 because it's every fortnight.

That comes up to £362. Now let's minus my rent contribution and bills.

Rent £75.04, Council Tax, £16, Thames Water £40, TV Licence £15, EDF £75, BT £37, EE £18.89.

Which minus £362 equals £85.07. Let's say the Oyster is about £15 a month.

That brings it down to £70, that's £17.50 to spend on groceries and household per week.

The only problem with that is I can't do a manual shop, I can't carry that much.

The minimum spend for most online groceries is about £40 so that would mean, I could purchase food or household but not both.

By household I mean, kitchen towels, toilet rolls, bleach, fabric detergent, handwash, washing up liquid, tissues, sanitary towels, shampoo/conditioner, cream, lotion, eye drops, saline, cleaner, lens cases, shower gel/bath soak and toothpaste/mouthwash.

Even if I bought the cheapest brands which aren't always available I would still be unable to budget.

The supermarket own, irritates my skin anyway. Now I don't know what will happen with JSA or the new claim with Universal Credit.

All she said was let Universal Credit know, which I updated my the money part, to add it.

I don't know if they'll suspend all help and start me on a payment debt plan and confiscate all savings as part of that, with an ongoing bill?

Or they might just throw me in jail but then how would they get their money?

I feel like I should be tarred and feathered and pushed into a public arena and taunted mercilessly.

Possibly put in stocks? Maybe stoned to death?

I'm human and we are all infallible, we all do the wrong thing at times.

At least while it was possible, I was able to help Mama out, if she needed something extra.

I could treat her to lunch or whatever she needed replacing or fixing.

I guess from now on luxuries I can't afford are clothes, pedicures, makeup, bedlinen, a new phone contract, essential oils, takeout, body butters.

A new laptop, when this one dies. footwear and gifts. Oh crap cabbing it to Mama is also out.

With my hands deteriorating and the whole of my back stiffening, I'm not sure taking several buses is even an option now.

As I would have to carry the laptop case, the handbag, the overnight bag and maybe stand up, if no seats are available, for the whole 1hrish journey.

All festive trips to her might just be cancelled.

As usual I keep certain details private but now I just aired out all my dirty laundry.

I'm too sick to work but not disabled enough according to the Government.

I'm stuck stuck stuck looking for employment that I cannot physically manage to do and that's been my life.

I just have to wait for the letter, that she said will probably arrive next week.

I've completely lost my appetite and my strength to persevere. When it arrives I will head to the library and take my login details, as I don't have a printer.

And just give them 6 years worth of statements, from 1st January 2018 until now, from Paypal and my bank.

I will include that and anything else they tell me and post it back in the prepaid envelope.

This is why I said before that if I stop posting for an extended period, it won't be by choice.

It is because they have convicted me and thrown away the key and I don't see myself as having enough fight in me, to want to survive that situation.

With no support system in place for me. I will give up and this blog will die. I can't seem to wrap this up.

I'll try after adding these last bits. What struck me is the abusive sibling that I grew up with is claiming UK benefits and not even living in England.

Secondly, yesterday, the EE agent, was all animated about offering me multiple discounts as EE and BT have officially merged and I am with both of them.

It all just seems like nonsense though, as giving me about 3 separate offers, still did not deduce the price that much.

After all that bs, I was still asked to pay more for my contract then I usually do.

Now I'm relieved I didn't renew. Either I will stay and that way keep the same price or switch to Pay As You Go.

The one interesting thing that will come to light, is that I'm paying some of my rent, which I shouldn't be.

Secondly, the amount of times I have had to make full rent payments when the Housing Benefit has randomly stopped, is crazy.

The landlord just seems to flippantly say, every once in a while, Oh yea you're in masses of debt.

Yet I pay every 2 weeks. I would have been homeless a long time ago......

Finally (last bit I promise), I just want to add, that the person who called from DWP, took absolute pleasure in her role of scaring me to death.

There was no sympathy or understanding. It was just lil jabs and even dialogue to put me at ease and throw me off.

Asking about my unusual surname and vacations, like we were buddies.

I can't travel, my passport isn't valid but even if it was, I can barely get to a local place, let alone abroad.

It was like she was playing her own version of good cop, bad cop.

Then it was a cheerily Have an enjoyable rest of the day..... Yea while you've turned my world upside down, uh huh.

I've always tried my utmost best to be nice, to help others, to give them confidence and support and to nearly always do the right thing.

Surely that must count for something?

I'm cutting my ties just in case. I've said my Goodbyes to L and T, it's not fair to just disappear.

But if the worst does happen to me, then at least they won't worry, they can move on to better friends.

If I'm up to it. I'll talk next week, if not take care. It dawned on me, why I can't finish this post.

I've forgotten to say Goodbye to you dear readers. I'm going to miss talking to you most of all.

No matter, how small or silly the ramblings were, you listened to all of it.

And hopefully sympathised or laughed along with me, through all the silliness or exaggerations.

Maybe you thought I was a lil dorky with all the silly spoof posts? (Were they any good? I've always wondered if anyone giggled)?

Maybe you thought I was too easily angry, with all the ranty posts? 

(Although, you'll never know how much it helped to offload and have someone listen/read, without interrupting or judging too harshly, I hope).

The poignant posts like Dear Bully and Crazy Self Therapy and maybe even this one, maybe you're crying along with me?

Or at least can feel my pain. Those were agony, to open up all those wounds, that were left dormant and to confront all the misery and brutality of being constantly mentally abused and physically assaulted.

Especially when you're your own brick wall and it's not that you don't have anything to contribute, you just can't seem to speak.

This is gonna take a big toll on Mama.

All those fictional stories that I poured my guts into. I had many love/hate moments.

I adored the outcome, even if I never quite felt I measured up to the standards of a genuine writer.

As though I really don't belong in the writer's room but I don't belong anywhere, I never have.

So much writer's block, so much time wanting to quit. Those unpublished, unfinished stories that I just can't seem to focus on.

This year's Christmas one keeps playing on my mind, actually they all do.

It's not anything special but my favourite thing to write is the daily posts, which I turned into #BlogLife.

Even stressed or not wanting to talk to a single soul, I would be bursting to tell you about my mundane day.

Most of the time, nothing dramatic happened but hopefully I could spin it, into something entertaining?

Thank you for taking a chance on my itty bitty, tiny, pictureless blog.

I finally got to share. I opened up. I created a safe space for myself and my voice was finally heard.

I appreciate that, as someone who never experienced it before.

People always had an agenda, quid pro quo or just tell me your secrets so I can take advantage.

Here on Blogger from 2017 I grew up a lot and let some of my barriers down and let you see pieces of me, that no-one else saw.

I somewhat healed and the rest is beyond repair. Whatever happens next, whoever comes and goes into your life..

Be your own gatekeeper. Take care of yourself and don't let anyone hurt you.

Remember that you are one of a kind and I'll miss you.

I don't think I'll ever delete this blog, unless I want to start afresh or go into hiding.

But that also means I would have to delete Twitter.. I should eat, it's nearly 5pm and I've been talking nonstop..