#BlogLife874 - It's like you want to get blocked

To keep my stress down, I've been watching Foodie Reviews from a Youtuber called Gary Eats, he's witty and silly and it's nice to hear about different foods I had never heard of.

I searched for more UK foodies and there was one called Coral Blush that's interesting.

I find her mouth logo offputting, anything that sexualises routine content is a turn off usually.

However her videos aren't flirty, it's just a hook to grab attention, I guess people have to stand out where they can.

Anyway she was doing a sushi review from Marks and Spencer and I've never seen chicken caesar sushi before, I wonder if Ocado will start to stock it?

I hope so, would be interesting to try it, although salmon avocado remains my favourite.

The randoms continue to get on my nerves aside from a select few.

One ghosted me recently, we had a big blow up and I don't remember the details but it was enough to make me snap.

I was tolerating him and I thought enough is enough. You don't get to be snarky as if you're so great, I'll tell you the real truth that you're a disappointment.

Actually we uneasily made up but it's the same sort of bitterness that seeps up, with a forced truce.

The angry revelations linger. It still feels as though, the guy can say anything disrespectful and I'm supposed to be like yea fine, be mean.....

But when I give it back, granted I am vicious, they can't handle it.

I'm not bothered about PB at all. The other one was bombarding me with friend requests and I kept saying down the line I will consider it, it's our first chat.

Then he started calling me names, stupid, dummy, etc...... As if that would persuade me.

So instead of getting angry, I remained serene and said, You really shouldn't have said that, now I have to block you.

And he was typing this whole longgg speech, ha. Think before you speak, is the lesson here.

As for DL I keep wondering if he's asked anyone else for space?

I have never bombarded him with texts, one or two to start off a conversation, but mainly I let the randoms contact me.

I don't think he will be in touch and I don't fancy waiting around so Sunday will be the two week deadline, which is more than fair.

He could have said I'm not ignoring you but I need more time or just give me a few more days...

Anything really, we all need time alone, that is healthy. My concern is, I don't want to be picked up and put down, used for passing the time and then dismissed.

Also I think it's mixed signals, sometimes he acts like we are strangers and other times super flirty.

I've told him that we can just cut out the flirting, if that's what he wants and I sense it is, but then he himself resumes it lol.

The more time that passes, the less I care and for me a week would have been sufficient.

He should have said I'm not coming back, we're done, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I had to be forthright.

Weird, as of tonight (Wednesday night), a text just popped up from DL.

Again I appreciate the reaching out to go into details, but I'm angry also.

I feel he is dangling me on a string, dance puppet dance. I'm going to wish him well and end things and block him.

To sum it up, he put what happened and that he's struggling with it, that I can understand.

What's annoying me, is the next part which I hear a lot, which is followed by Goodbye!

That is, I'm not good company, I'm processing, I'll be in touch, not his exact words, but I'm trying to convey the meaning.

That part to me is like, hmmmm, you know, I may or may not get in touch, but wait around in case I might need you, waste time hoping I do.

And don't be any wiser about my intentions. Nope, not having it. This is what I feared, the whole game playing thing.

I'm around but I'm not, don't contact me!!!! I wonder why they always contact me at night also, you have the whole day.

Probably so that I won't reply. I'm going to reply, wish him well and say Goodbye, I'm a person, not a puppet.

I'm not sticking around for anyone wishywashy, that doesn't know what they want and that I am someone special to keep around.

Screw that!!! All done and I didn't give him a chance to reply because although I feel for him, which I do..

I would have been in his corner and rooted for him and to me it's like he's said Nope, you're not good enough to do that.

We haven't known each other long but I've shared some personal fears with him, not in great detail but things I wouldn't normally say.

I don't regret it. To me friendship should be about the good and bad, not just the good stuff.

I admit I distance from others when I'm really down or stressed but I feel I share small tidbits at least.

Anyway that is that, it might sound cruel or heartless but if I am putting myself out there, I want to know I'm valued.

And with him, I no longer feel that. I'm not saying he needs to open up fully but the whole attitude just seems like a slow death goodbye and I prefer mine quick and to the point.

Plus if I had ever experienced healthy stable friendships where I wasn't used, maybe I would be more understanding about it.

But I haven't and this situation attacks my self esteem because I feel like the honest truth is he wants me gone but selfishy he thinks I'm entertaining and good to stroke his ego.

So he doesn't want to entirely alienate me and burn the bridges but nor does he want me bothering him.

That's nowhere near acceptable so I have no regrets in blocking him as I don't feel appreciated and ultimately, it's like he's screaming Sod Off and leave me alone!

So be it :) My beautiful sunglasses just arrived, they look so premium, you wouldn't guess they were £4.

I'm very happy and the mask is due before 2.30pm today so I'll get my stuff before the weekend.

#BlogLife873 - Do you taste Naked?

Oof I am starving, it's been a busy morning and only now calmed down, just before 2pm.

For some reason my address wasn't showing for the mask so I was troubleshooting with customer services for ages and then finally it was fixed.

Strange I've never had that before, not that I can recall, so that was a bit taxing because I thought it would end up being cancelled.

But the mask and sunglasses are due maybe this week, something else happened and I can't even think straight but I am looking forward to popping into the Tesco supermarket.

I looked at the range, and I saw some new items, chicken pesto gnocchi and some other pasta, which looked delicious.

Plus they've started doing the chicken sandwich fillers which is handy, as I usually just make it with egg or cheese and this is something different.

I really want Zoom to send me an offer so I can do a mini top up shop, I need snacks and maybe some crackers or croissants.

I didn't get a coupon but I did end up saving nearly ten pounds, practically everything was on special offer.

I have to double check it was delivered. I don't recall trying ramen before so for something different, I saw two brands.

Kabuto chicken ramen noodles for £1.20 and Naked thai chilli chicken ramen for 85p.

I fancy soupy type dishes at the moment, even though mostly the weather is warm.

I say soupy because I alternate between letting all the water dissolve and other times I leave it and it's heartier.

I do like the Naked thai sweet chilli noodles, I buy them off and on.

Ahh the Naked range is supposed to be healthier, a more low calorie option.

I was going to buy traditional soup but the flavours didn't inspire me, they looked bland, tasteless.

I would probably have gone for mushroom seasoning without any chunks or maybe tomato?

The taste of the above is delicious, the products itself in their whole form I can't stand.

I always wonder if it will be too spicy or oversalted. I guess I can add more water, if need be.

Ahh now I see the reason for the price difference, the Kabuto ramen is in a big tub and the Naked are in really tiny sachets.

I'll let you know my opinion on them later in the week, I am stuffed today.

Ahh well that's new. I just got a text from DPD, saying they are delivering something tonight from 4.33pm - 5.33pm.

At first I thought it was spam but the link checked out. The sunglasses are coming via Royal Mail.

The #6 Mask is being delivered by Evri so I wonder if this is the thing that I assumed wasn't arriving...

I guess I will find out tonight. I don't think I ordered anything else.

It's going to be an exciting mystery.

#BlogLife872 - What's your sunny sunglasss style?

I'm a smidgen disappointed something I was expecting in the post didn't arrive, maybe it's running late due to the recent Bank Holiday, doubtful though.

The new earbuds are lasting well, it's a pity about the short range when I get to the kitchen they disconnect.

I haven't tested it continuously but I get about a day and half/two days usage. Quite comfy too.

The case itself lasts for 2 or 3 rounds before it needs charging, which it does now.

I shall try not to be as gloomy in this post but I would rather voice my fears, I do usually feel heaps better afterwards.

That Eclat face mask, I bought is now running out. It wasn't anything special. It didn't prevent breakouts, my skin isn't spectacularly glowing.

I'm sure the softness is due to my moisturiser so I wouldn't recommend it and it was tiny anyway.

From the Eclat range I tried the black one, not a fan, the pink version is much superior I find. Something bad that I keep forgetting about is my brows.

I don't know how it's flown out of my brain but I'll probably need to get them waxed as soon as possible.

I have to pick a day, when I'm not feeling sick and have an ounce of energy as it's a lil trek to get there.

Oof I am scruffy! Not good and I have to trim my hair too and file my nails.

I think stress just shuts off my senses. It just takes over and stops me being practical or rational or something.

I should buy a cheap pair of sunglasses to protect my eyes. Nothing designer or flashy, those small mirrored ones are cute.

Ahh that's what I was going to mention, the last time I wore them, the sun was blinding but I also couldn't see anything, it was too dark, that was the strangest thing ever.

I know my eyes are bad but that was odd. Ohh that's what they are called pilot style ha.

I don't like the oversized style, more into the small compact range.

But to me they look less cheap and childishy and last longer. All done, about £4 for each the sunnies and the mask and nearly almost a whopping £3 for postage, ouchy.

I feel better now I've finished grooming. I filed my names which are surprisingly long.

I trimmed my hair very short so it looks neater, although the wisps keep sticking up in the air, as though I've rubbed a balloon on my head and it's stactic.

Lastly I did what I could to pluck my brows but I will definitely need a professional soon.

I still have the shape but I don't want to overpluck.

#BlogLife871 - Comfort in calories

Ugh the boiler has been acting up, taking longer and longer to start working.

I just checked the status on the appliance and it says fine, however on the thermostat, the flame isn't coming on to show it's on.

It's normally the other way around, the boiler has the error message and thermostat doesn't register any abnormalities.

I cranked it to high and will see but I feel like ever since the engineer messed with it, it's hardly producing any heat from the radiators.

That's fine for now when it's warm but winter time is going to be harsh.

I really don't need these extra problems and the sink is still clogged, one minute fine and the next goes back to draining slowly.

Come on, please let me hear those ping ping pings of the radiator to indicate the heating is coming on...

I have been putting it on every day for a few hours, when I don't need it, yeesh why are they so badly made that they go bad so easily???

Ahhh that's my baby, phew it pinged. I wasn't in the mood to deal with engineers.

My stomach is cramping hard this morning and I just unpacked the groceries.

Oh it's a Bank Holiday this weekend as I'm writing this on Friday.

I didn't realise, no wonder Zoom keeps sending me offers but it's the wrong deals at the wrong time, when I don't need anything.

Actually if it works out cheaper, I might use the mini Ocado, instead of Just Eat for when I come home exhausted.

They still have the deal going with just paying for a main and getting the side and snack basically for free, for a fiver, I think?

And then it's another tenner to qualify for delivery, which isn't bad.

From Iceland I saw the luxury veggie samosas on offer, it's such a shame they don't do the chicken ones ready made.

I thought I would try it, it has mixed reviews, some say tasty, some say bland.

Some veggie stuff isn't seasoned at all, which spoils the enjoyment, but if it is, I won't miss the chicken aspect.

I also bought some lemon fizzy water for my stomach and I'm glad I did because I feel sicky.

I'm going to try and stop fretting about money, the situation might change or I might be permanently stuck but it's out of my hands.

Maybe suddenly after the savings are all gone, they will say Oh hey, now you're broke as we wanted you to be all along, we'll fully cover your rent, utilities and grocery bills too, isn't that decent of us?

Swines! I have to go back to the new story, I left it halfway or almost finished but my stomach is churning and I don't feel relaxed at all.

I tasted the veggies samosas, it's probably the nicest version I've tried, even though it needs more seasoning and black pepper and probably a dip to boost the taste.

It was mainly carrots and peas in a soft pastry, I should have cooked it longer but I was peckish.

I would still recommend it 4x£1, small to medium size. Oh and while looking for the regular ice poles, that were on offer but out of stock...

Arghh, I stumbled upon the limited edition blue raspberry ones, adore those, so as it was 2x£3 I bought two boxes.

I think it's 20 inside each box which lasts me ages, although in this warm weather, I add it to drinks to keep them cooler for longer.

It just reminds me of my childhood hot summer days, after a glorious hot swim, popping next door to the sweet shop and getting a blue slush puppy to enjoy as I walked home in the blazing sun, re-hydrating and refreshing me.

Those days I couldn't afford much, each purchase had to be rationalised in my mind and no treats that I couldn't afford.

Instead of getting snacks and a drink, it was just the drink. That's why I worry about money so much, I remember the days struggling to afford to buy food.

Wondering how I'm going to stretch the pennies and saying no, a lot of times to social events as I didn't have enough cash to be reckless with it.

I didn't want to get a credit card and load myself up with debts, just to feelgood in the moment.

I wanted to be mature and spend wisely, now I'm older, I feel I have earned the right to splurge every now and then but I still panic.

I don't want to be one of those people that don't pay the bills. Truth be told, I don't want to be like my family or past friends who spend what they don't have and act carefree about it.

 I aim to do the right thing for as long as I can afford it.

#BlogLife870 - Worst fears confirmed, UC doesn't want me to buy food

I'm trying to keep everything in perspective, that the whole UC payment thing is just a mistake but now I'm wondering, what if it's permanent?

What if it's literally only for paying the bills and no money to buy food or for the oyster travel card or anything else that I need?

I am dreading when the savings are all gone because that is the end of my safety net.

The fear of being homeless becomes all too real. I'll end up taking money that I've allocated to the expenses and buying food and household items with it.

I'll go into my overdraft, the bank will charge me interest. The landlord will say You are suddenly in debt to us for thousands and I won't be able to pay that and then they'll say...

You're a bad person, totally unreliable and a bad tenant, you're evicted, get out.

I've been thinking about that a lot recently which is why I keep bringing it up.

Of course there is my Mama's place but living with her and all the criticisms and having my needs and boundaries ignored..

My self esteem once more being chipped away until the depression comes back..

Being made to feel I am a waste of space...... That I'm just a colossal disappointment in her eyes...

I think I would rather live on the streets that deal with a slow painful internal demise.

At least out there in the world, it's quicker. This is where my brain goes when it's all too much.

I'm ill and instead of focusing on taking care of myself, I have to expend it on all this damn stress.

As always I'll keep you updated but it's not looking good. I wonder what people would say about me, after I'm gone?

Wellllll, she was always a chunky girl, didn't have the self preservation and discipline to control her weight.

Granted she was steadily getting slimmer but hey no matter what the outcome, I wouldn't have accepted her, she's doesn't belong, she has never been nor will be one of us, no matter what she says or does.

She was so anti-social, I would invite her out to things and she always made an excuse not to join in, even though a part of me hated her guts, I still consider it rude, to decline my kind charitable offer.

She had the coldest hardest heart of anyone I know. I don't understand why?

Sure she grew up with bullies but so what? She should have forgiven them, taken it on the chin and accepted her fate as a victim.

Sure she grew up feeling unwanted and unloved but honestly, is that any reason not to date and settle down?

It's like she refused to conform to the natural order, on purpose to spite us.

You know frankly speaking I never did buy into that whole chronic illness thing...

Don't you think she was faking for the attention? Pretending she was weak and feeble for the sympathy?

I never gave her any but to me it was an excuse to be self indulgent and not be as active as she should have been.

What? It turns out she was a writer/blogger/storyteller? Nahh, not her, she didn't have any intelligence to her name.

She probably copied someone else's work, palmed it off as herself or paid someone to write on her behalf.

I mean how could she create anything original or interesting? The girl was boring, she stayed at home, rarely socialised and didn't have any friends.

I used to laugh when I was with her, my phone would be beeping nonstop with calls and messages, hers?

Pfft was always silent. I mean you have to be bland and dull, to not have anyone rooting for you in your corner, right?

It's strange though, she couldn't even attract a desperate guy. I mean she wasn't pretty, we all know that.

She definitely wasn't confident, I mean she had no reason to be honestly.

But she couldn't even get an unattractive guy to commit to her. How bad must she have been?

MmmHmm Yea I read that in her memoirs, that something happened in her past.

But I think she most probably made it up, used it as an excuse as to why no-one would date her.

All in all, I'm glad she's gone. She didn't contribute anything. Unlike me, who is a nice thoughtful respectful person who only says nice things about people.

She was mean-spirited, only saw the worst in others. I didn't support her or like her and most of the time ignored her..

But she should have known her place as my lowest priority and should have been grateful that I deigned to her give any attention.

She's so ungrateful, demanding respect, pfft. Who does she think she is? Moi? Ha! She wishes, she is not worth your or my time. Let's go celebrate......

Now why did I write all of that? I feel it's the way people see me.

From family, to friends, to acquaintances, to randoms. I could lie and pretend it's not true.

That I'm seen in the highest regard, affectionately beloved but this blog is about honesty.

I had to lay it all out. Do I feel better? I don't know, numbness is taking over, the tears have stopped though.

#BlogLife869 - Pranked?

What a peculiar morning I'm having, first the neighbours keep buzzing my outside door but not needing me.

Then I checked my bank, saw the reduced UC payment and called up to pay the rent, well I made up for the lack of service charge and paid it myself.

I realise now why the amounts looked different, whether it was my doing or theirs.. I don't know.

But I added £50 of the arrears to be paid off, included in the amount but then somehow had been adding on another £50+..

Heaven forbid the landlord would say, you're overpaying us. I now know the correct amount, which is £615.52 without the arrears debt.

May is going to be a tight month because afterwards I am left with £200 for groceries and bills and the groceries alone are £200.

Stress, stress, stressied. Anyway I'm gong to cover my own expenses and to hell with UC, that is supposed to help but is screwing me over, again and again.

After I paid the rent and it cleared, they called me back but it was silence and this happened about 3 times, so I just ended the call.

If it's anything major, they have my email, address, text options but it feels like everyone is pranking me.

It's a good job I have savings to fall back on, otherwise the debts would just keep climbing higher.

I am trying to do what's best and give everyone what they are owed but budgeting and re-evaluating it regularly is hard.

Sorry for the lateness I'm ready to wrap up today's blog. Two last things..

I heard back from the penpaller but he's married so not my type to converse with and I just politely ended it and told him that.

Secondly I was gaming to dilute my stress and wasn't having any luck so on the team chat bit..

I wrote something like.. Not having any luck, can anyone spare some, struggling here?

Except instead of luck, I wrote lick.... The chat sorta erupted into laughter.

I might go radio silent for a bit but I did apologise, well I blamed the phone really, bad pervy thing, tut tsk!!

#BogLife868 - Did I just get a new penpal?

I had a bit of a rough night, I just felt really sicky and crampy I think and then my feet were in pain too.

I ended up playing the anti nausea video for what seemed like an hour, but it was probably less.

I was just trying to relax and drift off to sleep, I was exhausted and eventually I did.

Just before that though I randomly decided to check my other email, the protonmail one and it had a new message.

At first I thought it was spam actually, I do get a bit of that, but it was from the site I recently registered with to upload the new story.

I didn't even know they had such a message feature. It was pleasant enough so I just responded but made it clear, I wasn't after romance or picswaps or any of that nonsense.

I guess I'll see if he responds. I'm not invested at this point, there is too much in my head and I still feel off.

Oh and yesterday I did have an odd encounter on the bus. This lady sat next to me and asked what was the deal with my face or hair?

I couldn't really understand her well as I was listening to music but I figured if it was anything, maybe the foundation hadn't been rubbed in properly.

Although thinking about it, that always absorbs readily into my skin anyway, I didn't have any other make up on.

Oh maybe it was the moisturiser? I wasn't too fussed. That doesn't embarrass me. 

I just took my hand and rubbed it into my skin. I normally do check the mirror before leaving but I was running late so no time to spare.

I guess I feel a bit calmer today, sometimes it's better to relinquish trying to fix everything myself and hand it over to someone else that has more experience and knowledge.

It's not a bad thing, it doesn't make me weak or foolish, just proactive.

I don't think I have any volume in my freshly washed hair. I did the oil yesterday and gave myself a relaxing scalp massage to soak it in deep and it is washed out.

It's not greasy, it's currently sticking up. I don't know why it does that to me but it is super soft.

#BlogLife867 - Phone gremlins

It's nothing major but the new phone Samsung A16, is acting up a bit.

I'm having trouble getting it to wake up sometimes. The rss chat messenger thingy that has taken over from regular texting..

Is annoying me a lot. It's making me text myself. I keep getting pop up notifications, to indicate I have a new message....

Hurrah right? Nope, it's texting me my own texts, the ones I've just sent.

Ugh I can't stand it, thinking I have a new response, when it's just my recent ones.

The developer on Google Play Store reacted and said elaborate...

I spelled it out clearly, what is it, you fail to understand? Twits! Just fix the damn issue, instead of claiming ignorance!

I'm basically texting and chatting with myself! Then today the wifi keeps crashing even though it's connected.

I finally had to restart the phone, it seems alright now. I'm trying not to think about it and I sensed it.

Yup, the UC advisor is referring me to a placement thingy, ugh. Full of disrespectful condescending people.

The lifts are always broken and they refuse to acknowledge anyone with health issues.

They perceive us as drama kings/queens who are just making it up, to annoy them, that's how it feels to me.

As though we can click are fingers and suddenly be miraculously able bodied!

It's not happening until next week, I will worry about it then.

Oh I forgot to mention, mini foodie review. I tried out the Jacob's crinklys salt and vinegar snacks, 30% less salt.

It actually does taste healthier but still moreish. It's basically small crisps that are crunchy and ridged.

It's funny with this better version, they've made them denser. I recommend them.

Hmm DL just texted and asked for space. I mean he has been quiet but also chatty so it feels out of the blue.

I didn't want to press him but I had to know if it was permanent, he said not, but I have my doubts.

It feels out of the blue and I do wonder if the real reason is, we've gotten too cosy, texting, calling, semi-regularly and now he's pulling back and distancing himself because it's too much too soon?

Which is what I've been expecting to happen but it didn't but now potentially it has.

I won't chase him, I said my peace. That if he needs anything I'm here and to look after himself and that I would miss him.

It's been 4 days and nothing. I'll probably give him 2 weeks, that seems more than adequate.

It's been half horrendous and half good day. I don't know where I've put my sunglasses and the sun was blinding me today.

The buses were delayed but eventually it arrived and I even got a seat, halfway home.

I have felt really sick all day. I think now it's subsided from sipping sprite and listening to the anti nausea.

I still have some credit on Just Eat and I altogether there was 3 discounts so the food was half price and after today, I need it.

I know I said I wasn't going to order anymore but I was running late for the UC appointment so I couldn't pick up the sandwiches and snacks anyway.

My stomach was so raw and delicate, I feel exhausted. I did get drinks though and some almond cakes for dessert.

I only spent £4 so that's alright. The big big huge news I've saved for last.

My UC advisor said, right we're transitioning you onto the placement today, I'm more in the background, you'll still see me though.

He put me through to a call with the world's quietest sounding woman, I could not hear a word she was saying.

I kept shrugging and looking at my advisor blankly and he was interpreting it.

Then because it was called a different name, I didn't recognise it and she specifically asked, if I've done it before and I clarified and she said Yes that's the one.

So I just said yes I have done it and then she was like Ohh, let me double check.

Oh you are ineligible. (I was dancing in my head). You cannot be placed here a second time.

And I was thinking but I've been referred many times. I don't know if I've done it, once or twice before.

The advisor said sorry she was specifically put on to this, no idea why but let's cancel it, as she doesn't fit the requirements.

I promise I did not smile, but I felt so happy, one less stressful thing in my life.

I have to be brave and sort out the rent thing. I've been putting it off.

Oh good lord, that was a headache. I just realised, the landlord's given me two different rent versions.

So as well as paying the arrears, I've randomly paying extra. What the hell? Crooks!

Anyway I called the landlord to double check the amount, then tried to call UC, no available customer service representatives were free.

I decided to take the plunge and leave a note on there, it timed me out, I have no idea if it got sent or not.

I am so tired, also I have checked April's upcoming payment and no, they didn't include the service charge.

Ughhhh! Why are they such a pain in the ass??? I'm still responsible for paying it, why is it separate from the rent?

Anyway, my food is cold. I did what I could. I'm going to finish up and then munch.

#BlogLife866 - Playroom bullying

It's Easter Monday afternoony and I haven't really done anything productive.

I was going to keep working on the new story but my brain said rest and yet here I am blogging, tut tut.

A few of the randoms are bugging me at the moment, it seems to be the same childish mentality, of Oh she's not doing what I want, let's goad, bully, guilt, humiliate her into our wishes.

First up the phone chat guy, I don't mind the occasional phone conversation because it lets my eyes relax.

This twit, typed out his number, waited until I called on witheld, it went to voicemail and I thought What kinda game is this?

So I said Hey it's gone to voicemail. He said Oh sorry, typed out a different number with at least 2/3 digits that were new.

I told him to Go to hell. If it was a harmless mistake, he would have rushed to tell me before I called, he waited until afterwards.

I even asked if he was ready? Lol! I've done that before, been 1 digit off, but I always double check it's correct before I let them dial.

Second up, is the one who wants to meet, who thinks I'll fall into his bed straight away and we'll be knocking boots instantly.

Pfft, he's not local, he's obsessed with sex and keeps saying do this, do that.

Ugh nothing aggravates me more than someone not listening to my wishes.

I told him I don't do meets and certainly not with someone that lives far away and instead of him saying, I hear you, just thought I would enquire.

He keeps saying Oh what are you afraid of??? I'm thinking, I'm afraid I'm going to punch you in the face.

What's he expecting me to say? Yesss, you're right, I'm deathly fearful of not being able to resist you.

Let me go against my beliefs and meet you. Pfft, yea right. In the end he forced my hand and I had to do the truth hurts thing.

I said You're not my type, that's why I would never meet you. You don't respect my wishes and you nag me soo much.

Third one I don't remember too well as these were over the course of maybe a week or more..

He was like I dare you..... I can't even remember if this was for meets or number swaps but it made me laugh and annoyed me all at the same time.

What am I a child? Are we back at school? Or am I in my forties as a grown woman who expects some maturity in conversations???

I think my retort was Grow up, you're acting childishly and he was all outraged, denying it. Oh sorry one more...

This one was either secretly married or a complete imbecile. First time I called on private number he whispered so quietly I could barely hear him.

He claimed his child was sleeping next door. Hmm, second time, he begged for a second chance.

Maybe I was unoccupied enough, so I thought fineee, then silence, too chicken to share his number, Good grief.

Have you no spine? Yet still everytime he sees me, will message me muttering on.

I don't respect any of the above. They are ways to pass the time but are not keepers.

A keeper type of man is someone confident that doesn't have to brag with words, he exudes it naturally.

A keeper listens, he respects my boundaries and what I am comfy and uncomfy with, he doesn't push, he accepts.

A keeper makes me laugh, whether it's gentle teasing, silly stories or anything really. He's not making fun of me, just entertaining me.

A keeper has his own life and obligations he's not on me 24-7. He's there when I need him and away when I don't.

A keeper definitely doesn't text speak. He uses full words, sentences and punctuation, he knows I respond to proper English.

Lastly a keeper to me would be someone I feel safe hanging out with, sharing personal details with, opening up too, without feeling mocked or judged or scared.

It's a longshot to find a keeper because personally I don't think he exists for me.

Oh and why is it, when I've called them out on their boorish behaviour, they don't apologise but go on the attack??

Ha, learn from your mistakes!

#BlogLife865 - Guilty, I have a confession..

*Looks at you with Bambi innocent eyes, trying to soften you up*

Didn't work huh? Not even a lil bit?

Alright, I tried my best to keep using the Clean and Clear and Fixderma beaded face washes but they kept suffocating my skin, causing breakouts and leaving residue on my face.

I caved, binned them and bought the Simple 150ml £2.50 face wash from Iceland instead.

It's not my favourite, I don't feel it does anything below the surface but I was desperate and the other reason is, the washes are clogging up the drains.

I keep having to put hot water and washing up liquid down it, as it's draining slowly.

That cemented it. Hurrah no beads, it's just clear, thickish, faint almost a grapey scent, it's nice.

And my skin finally feels refreshed and lighter. It doesn't wash off easily but next time I'll probably just use less of it.

My face is quite smooth, I probably wouldn't use a moisturiser afterwards, although I tend to put mine on prior as you know, because I have combination dry and oily skin.

It needs to breathe and be as empty as possible, without layers of anything.

I don't mind makeup when I go out but indoors, it's nothingness, just moisturiser in the morning and night sometimes.

Ahh I finally got some sleep on Saturday night, I did wake a few times but there was large chunks of sleep so I feel refreshed.

On Friday night there was none, so all day I was a zombie. Last night in between one of the random wake ups..

This fresh original themed story popped up. I desperately wanted to write it down but I was too drained to move or open my eyes.

It actually has a mature theme but I don't know if I could write that bit.

There was maybe one chapter's worth of material. I should not focus on a new story when other's remain open.

It was exciting for me to have a new idea come to life. It's not blog material, I don't even think I would put it on wattpad.

If I was more comfy and knew how to do it seamlessly, I might even consider dictating it onto a file and uploading it somewhere.

It flowed in my head, that was rare, all the conversations seemed natural, that's the hardest bit for me.

I'm not sure about the title but the rest of it seemed interesting, maybe it won't hurt to see if I can write it as a draft, see if there's anything there, while it's fresh.

I don't even know if I can remember the details and it's a Bank Holiday weekend, I'm supposed to be relaxing..

I have made a start on it, it's in my drafts, plus I registered with the website that I would probably upload it too.

That's progress, maybe I'll connect with new writers who struggle too?

#BlogLife864 - Sweet pretzels?

I fancied a savoury snack so I got out the stick pretzels and thought Oh, these are not salty.

It's sweet?! I've never heard of sweet pretzels before. I think I normally buy the blue packet but it wasn't there so I thought how different can the red one be..

Ha, a lot. It's not bad, sorta sweet caramel maybe? I just really didn't want a sugary snack, I wasn't in the mood for that.

I can't understand what language it's in and my eyes are bad anyway, oops I think I bought two bags.

At least I know the puffy crisps are definitely savoury. Oh tell a lie, I just realised, the only other sweet version has been the chocolate one and that is delicious.

But these are not chocolate coated, they look normal. I guess it's something different, it's not overpowering.

Mild flavour but I want something salty! Right, the plot thickens, I squinted and looked at both packets.

The sweet one says cream chocolate or akin to that. The other says sea salt ha.

Weird, you would think they would differentiate with alternative shades so you don't get confused.

To be honest, these have only faint hints of salt, tasty but not loaded.

I just now realised what the taste is, it's cinnamon, that's it, not caramel, quite unique really.

I also got some salted and roasted cashew nuts that weren't heavy with salt either, pricey but tasty.

The last treat was a chocolate coffee and walnut cake, for a store bought thing, you'd think it was made fresh.

It is the softest moistest cake ever, flavourful, delicious, not overpowering with a hint of the walnut and coffee taste, it's perfect.

Which is nice because my stomach has gone back to cramping hard.

I wonder if I'll get a second monthly in April, the symptoms are there. I hope not.

Forgive me for not posting yesterday but I just wanted a longer break, my stomach my was bothering me and my brain just said No, take it easy too.

#BlogLife863 - Stress vomitting

It took just over and hour and a half to charge the new earbud case and earbuds.

It paired easily with the phone and laptop. I didn't try it at the same time, I forgot.

The model name is YYK-580. Hmm I didn't even realise that maybe it is in the same family as the older pair I have which is the YYK-Q63, who knew?

I was just going to use these spare earbuds for calls but I might as well try it out tomorrow.

The older one I use overnight, it probably has a similar 12 hour battery.

Again it's hard to tell the status, unless you lift the case lid. Then I saw about 4/5 red flashing dots and after the last one stopped flashing, I guessed it was at full capacity.

The earbuds themselves were dead so no colour and then afterwards, went from red to blue.

I thought it was cute, they included a lil black cloth to wipe it clean when necessary.

Also a supposed lifetime warranty, I'll look at that later when I have time.

Ugh, what a day and it's only 10.28am. I got back from the UC appointment and my stomach has just stopped lurching, finally.

It is a beautiful but cold sunny day but for most of it, I had to listen to the anti nausea video, it eventually helped but it was an unpleasant morning.

I didn't even have time to do my makeup. I just rushed out so I wouldn't be late and then hate to wait around for the idiot Jobby to open the doors.

It's not great to stand up when the nausea is hitting hard. Also I felt a bit dizzy but after bracing myself, it disappeared.

I don't know why everyone does this double talk nonsense but it's annoying me.

The advisor said in one breath, Oh now you'll be on monthly, not weekly, not fortnightly meetings..

And I thought great, less headache for me and then he went right back and gave me an appointment in 2 weeks, what is wrong with you???

Why is everyone content with the BS? I also mentioned the course wasn't suitable and he said, Oh yea I know, don't apply for this, apply for that, it's the same bloody thing.

Arghh! I want to scream, I have a short short fuse today. Lastly I explained about the service charge and rent costs and he seemed to think I wasn't responsible for paying that.

I wonder if that was why the form says, don't include it, because they assume, I don't pay it? But I bloody do!

He said call them up or leave a message in the journal. I'm dreading calling them, in case I get someone rude.

My stomach can't take much more. I know I didn't have a choice about migrating to UC and everyone praised it so much.

I find it a complete hassle. Everything is a confusing challenge that is a constant source of stress to me, it's not straightforward and seems to be designed to have you question it.

I succumbed and bought a fizzy miranda orange and it definitely helped my tum.

I also saw pretzels, a coffee cake and crisps so I have re-stocked my snack cupboards woop.

Ahh breakfast is on the way, I hope it helps. I might just eat the fries, no idea why that aids me to feel better.

I used a coupon so it was free and I had a brainwave, this will probably be my last takeout in a while.

So what I will do from now on is before each UC appointment, get there early, pop into the Tesco mini supermarket and pick up some sandwiches or pasta, possibly nibbles too.

Every bone and muscle in my body aches when I get in. I just packed away the food and changed and I feel drained.

At least with pre-prepared food, I won't have to be on my feet much and I can rest, same as before.

I have to hang up my clothes and get the bottle of water that I took out the fridge but forgot to bring with me.

Moving does not appeal to me though. I'm too tired. I don't feel that urge to nap, unfortunately, I'm only body tired, not brain tired and I need both to switch off before I can.

I was trying to be careful and balance the sprite can in the tissue box and it spilled over, had to just bin the brand new box.

Oh I got a complimentary, well 2 free drinks, pity it's coca cola, not my type, too sweet.

I think I had 3ish hours of sleep. I'm too worried about the mounting bills, that never end but keep increasing.

And what if UC sends me on a physical course? My body can't cope anymore with being outdoors for too long.

It's almost like it's preparing to shut down. I should keep things in perspective and only be concerned about what is pressing right now.

Me and DL are still plodding along, talking fine but I gave him a test today.

I wanted to see even if he was busy, would he respond, when I said that I was poorly and he should take the day off and heal me lol.

Obviously I didn't mean that, I just wanted some kind words. That was at 9.37am.

Four hours later no reply, which is fine, just disappointing to me but he's busy.

The sickyness is finally really gone, I'm sipping water and the sleepiness is washing over me.

I must do my protein tablets for my deep clean contact lens tonight, I haven't done it for the month.

#BlogLife862 -Turns out UC isn't covering all my rent

After speaking to the landlord representative yesterday, I wrote down all the details and I thought today I would go through the online form thingy.

I guess from my point of view, UC asks me about rent costs and then they confirm it with the landlord.

For some reason they had £615 something as my monthly rent cost, it is actually £666.81.

But when I was reading the form to submit, it said don't include any arrears you have, plus I'm not supposed to add the service charges either.

I assumed they were covering the whole expense. When I removed that service charge element, the new amount is £489.68.

I guess that means I'm going to be paying £125.84 a month, plus the £100 arrear debt.

Then all the other bills, which I will have to recalculate, per month.

TV licence - £15

EDF gas/electricity - £75

BT broadband/landline - £40.28

Groceries - £200

EE mobile phone - £18.78

Council Tax - £125

Thames Water - £40

The bills are £514.06 and the rent is £125.84, which totals to £639.90.

That's not even including the Oyster travel costs and contact lens care items, beauty items etc.

I guess I will figure it out, the next UC payment will be on the 30th April I guess.

It is, what it is. The earbuds are out for delivery and it's after 1pmish so due anytime now.

Ooh I got them, a special royal mail courier delivered them and surprisingly the case was dead and the earbuds too.

Normally it's partially charged. At 1.24pm I stuck it on the fast charger, maybe an hourish later it will be ready.

Oh also included was a lil handy cloth. I have never seen that before.

I just read inside the box, I'm supposed to scan a code to activate the warranty, then it mentioned it was for a lifetime?

That can't be right, I usually don't bother, but I might this time, later on.

Tomorrow I have a 9am UC meeting so if I remember after I've told him about the unsuitable course, I'll enquire about the rent.

I'm not going to go crazy or stress or get overwhelmed, there's nothing I can do about it so I will accept it.

Just seems like every time I turn around, there is a new expense.

On top of that, eventually the laptop, heating blankie and microwave will all need replacing, for several hundred pounts each.

Well aside from the blankie, that's under a hundred.

#BlogLife861 - Is is better to talk?

Doesn't it just mean, the other person knows all your vulnerabilities?

I'm currently finding it harder and harder to get out of bed these days.

Now that the sun is out, the problem neighbour kids are swarming around like parasites.

If they're not smoking outside, stinking up the neighbourhood, they are kicking the ball against my wall and windows and one day it's going to smash.

Thud, thud, thud, is all I hear, the sound reverberating two whole rooms away.

Then UC wants to know my current rent, which sounds simple but it isn't.

I've told them the correct amount and it's still written falsely. The landlord said, it was due to increase this month, but instead will change in October.

If I tell them what I actually pay and that's not including the arrears, I have to include, when it changed and officially that's last April, what if they want proof?

I don't have that! There is so much confusing double talk, it makes my head spin.

I guess the most pressing thing is not hearing back from the DWP.

Maybe she does want to throw me in jail, find something concrete and say Aha, I was waiting for this, I stalled and stalled and here it is.

I can take your life from you, happily, since last October, her hands have been around my neck, squeezing, choking the life out of me.

It's like being back at home, trapped, slowly suffocating, walking around in my own safe bubble world, wishing things were different.

That I could breathe, that there was hope, that I would survive. There wasn't any peace then and there isn't any now.

This lil doom and gloom rain cloud is still stalking me. Am I ever going to be free?

I needed to get that off my chest, it helped somewhat but ultimately, I'm continuously stressed waiting for the next disaster to crop up.

I don't feel like my life has ever been my own. At the family home, I learn't that it was better not to express myself or my needs..

As it resulted in insults, humiliation, intimidation and the reinforced belief, I had no brains or personality.

Here, now, living alone, I can talk, I still find I don't want too, most of the time.

Maybe it's interesting for the other party to know I'm struggling but I find that doesn't help me at all.

Really and truly, talking to myself or you dear readers, is the only thing that takes away these crushing burdens.

I find I am going off food again. I try to buy things that seem appealing but when I go to prepare a meal, it doesn't strengthen my appetite, it puts me off.

I'm not starving myself, I nibble here and there but I do end up wasting food.

You know what I would love to utter actually, the only thing, right now that I can?

I'm a sick person. I'm not saying that for attention or sympathy, it's just a fact.

I don't want to look on the bright side of things. I have limited energy and I don't want to feel guilty about lollygagging.

Sometimes the pains are so intense, I can't stand it.

Why am I expected to be strong or cope easily? Why can't I fall apart and be depressed?

Sometimes I want to lie in bed and do nothing, just pretend I can sleep easily and switch off.

Why do I feel this guilt about relaxing? Gaming or watching movies/tv shows?

Why do I think I should be writing 24-7? The whole reason I stopped posting 7 days a week, was to give myself a break.

Why is that a bad thing? To look after myself? 

Why can't I maintain a positive attitude? Why can't I believe in myself and stay confident?

....... Because SS, you're a human being, not a robot, you feel things, like we all do.

You're trying to be better. That's all you can do.

Lastly why do I feel like I should be mingling, dating and making friends, when all I want to do is withdraw from everyone?

It's wrong to be alone, right? Or is it? When it's just me, I don't have to entertain anyone or pretend I'm happy.

I can just be myself and let down my guard, take off my mask and be transparent.

There is no-one on this earth I can do that with.

#BlogLife860 - We're going to flame out

I finally got around to checking the EE phone bill and there was this extra charge of just under £7 and I thought Noo, for what??

And I thought maybe it's just a transitional thing, or it's from calling/texting DL as he's away.

Turns out the representative reassured me that it was from the handset delivery cost, it just wasn't itemised.

I am so relieved and it made me smile that the 10% is coming out of the line rental, from £20 dropped down to £18 which is great news.

I feel less burdened already. Although a moment ago DL asked for the blog link and we've been having various shallow and deep and meaningful chats so he can handle it.

But he's still male and overall that seems to result in a negative outcome.

Every now and again, I have to be willing to put myself out there though and not only did I share it and die of cringe at the thought of him reading it..

I also encouraged him to search for the fiction and spoofs. I hate the thought of being critiqued but I usually play it so safe.

Too afraid to open up and share my words with someone that possibly may offer real feedback.

I saw these chicken and vegetable kebabs so I'm just cooking those and I have that special soft bread wrap and some dips, hummus or the garlic and herb will blend nicely.

I can't say I feel peckish but my stomach needs something inside it.

I'll probably leave half for tomorrow. DL says he really likes my writing but maybe he's being nice, to spare my feelings.

I'm just using humour to mask my insecurities, it's easier, than trying to figure out.. If I can captivate an audience.

The kebabs were nice, could have done with more flavour though and the veggies came out soggy, which didn't appeal.

I prefer crunchy and raw ones. I've just tried one of the pizza rolls that I saw.

It was £2 for a cannelloni sized portion. It reminds me of the mini ones they introduced over Christmas, except these are regular sized.

The breading is tasty, it's got the right amount of tomato and cheese, anymore and it would be a bit sickly.

I didn't find it too dry, most people would probably add some spice to it or dip it in a condiment for an extra boost.

For me I found it great as it was. It's a shame though, it's only in the cheese or pepperoni version, they completely ignore the chicken lovers, once again.

Oh I settled and bought a pair of earbuds finally £14ish. A bit more than I wanted to pay but I didn't see hardly anything with a long battery, it was only a few hours and that gets shorter after a while, so it isn't worth it.

And supposedly it has a 12hour battery life, hmm, we'll see. They are due before Thursday, I have the tracking link.