#BlogLife969 - I must be more productive..

I was hoping for a lot more sleep, I think I kept waking up again, but chunks of rest is at least something.

I'm craving cheesy gooey toasties, I might add marmite to it. It's freezing so waiting for the heating to kick in, plus got to unwrap and switch on the blankie.

I got to fully unpack the bag Mama handed over, or should I wait for Christmas?

I already spotted cheetos and Hershey's kisses. Oh my goodness, when we used to holiday in Iceland with family, that's where we discovered them.

And everytime relatives would visit they would bring some, I thought it was native to Iceland and who knew there were different flavours?

For anyone unfamiliar, it's a lil chocolate in the shape of erm, half an hourglass, or a lil mountain or a lil bottle lol.

I don't know which version she bought me, hopefully one with nuts but I haven't had them, since I was a youngster.

I wonder if these will be proper cheetos, crunchy crisps, our UK version is a lot softer, more like wotsits.

No UC cv appointment, so it must be next week, I hope he forgets to book it, I'm shattered.

I still got loads of pakoras left, oilier and not as crunchy, but totally delicious and fresh.

For some reason this time the dip was spicier, I prefer it mild.

Oh I tried the teriyaki itsu bao buns, quite bland actually. I was expecting better seasoning.

I would not get that again, I'm curious about the soup dumplings but I've never seen the chicken ones in stock.

2 minutes cooking time wasn't enough, 4 minutes was better. I'm quite stuffed from the toasties.

I tried the Hershey's kisses, lovely chocolately taste, plain but still good.

The cheetos are magnificent, these are all childhood favourites from when we vacationed abroad, so it reminds me of my younger days, munching these different flavours.

I put an image on Twitter, I might upload more, there's an envelope, which I will save for Christmas.

Plus other stuff I'll let you know about later. At least my stomach has stopped flip-flopping, I don't think I'll be sick like yesterday.

I'll try to drink more today. Nope the food stayed down, I'm incredibly bloated but famished and thirsty but I think sipping the ice water helped.

Plus I had a pepsi, I ran out of cold water so had that, I think it helped my tum anyway.

I keep saying I'll find a way to put the stress and illness aside and yet I can't seem to compartmentalise it.

It's just always there. The only time I seem to relax is when I'm gaming or there's a uniquely entertaining random.

What will it take for me to write more, finish the stories and be consistent?

I have no idea. I just feel overwhelming trapped in a type of confinement, where I'm locked in place and not free to be creative.

If I escape to la la land, is that embracing insanity or is protecting myself from other people's harming nature?

So in la la land. I'm married and the guy has all the responsibilities on his shoulders, not mine.

There's noone haunting me, in dreamland or when I'm awake.

I'm left to my devices, to write or not too write.

There's a calm quietness but it's not eerie. I don't jump out of my skin when the phone rings or when the doorbell goes.

I guess it would mean, I'm in a safe environment. I'm accepted for who I am, nobody is asking me to change or be more than I'm capable.

And I have my freedom back and my mind, it's no longer held hostage.

It's a much nicer place to dwell, I feel serene even writing it.

I guess the pressure is finally off. Love or something akin to it, has healed me or maybe I healed myself?!

I wonder if this feeling will last until tomorrow..?

#BlogLife968 - I don't fancy You

Song of the day - Bobby Brown - On Our Own

I picked this song, probably had it before because I was tiredly strutting past builders try to get energised, cool funky soon, made it home because of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZpr4qQzeI0

Before I forget, had a tiny bite of that iced chocolate fudge cake, holy moly..

Very dense, sweet but not sickly, intense flavour of fudge and chocolate, not in the mood for pudding but had to try it, divine and soft, absolutely no dryness.

I had the sandwich and still hungry but not enough to get up, not sure whether to go for pasta or the dumplings or the bao??

Decisions, decisions, only the teriyaki bao is new for me, I wonder if I'll like it?

Feels like ages since I've done reviews, it's fun trying new things, even if sometimes it doesn't live up to the hype..

The biscuits remind me of nairn, like a dry oatcake, but nairn is way tastier and cheaper.

I did try to cook a lil teriyaki bao but I left it in the oven too long and it hardened, my fault so not much flavour.

2x minutes is probably the sweet spot, they say 1 minute but prefer to give extra time.

I don't know if the lil Tesco will have it but I saw a chicken and trimmings sandwich, no pork..

And chicken tikka samosas so those would be fun, there's a mango chicken and a pesto one too..

I think it's just struggling with the pain and energy, when I get in, I want to unwrap something and relax, not stand there waiting for something to heat up.

I try to play loud party music and get myself energised but 5 minutes away, just feels like a huge path to trek too.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that's what it is, when you're sick you're sick.

Least I don't have to wash my hair tomorrow. I should go for the pedicure or get my brows done finally but the distance away keeps putting me off.

Oh Too Good Too Go app, says after my next purchase, I'll get £3.50 to spend on an order.

So essentially, will have gotten my money back after all. I have to pick a day, I'm well rested and the back, legs and feet aren't hurting.

Tomorrow lunchtime meeting Mama. Oh I think there meal deal is around £4ish, drink, snack and sandwich.

Maybe I'll get a wrap. Ok just got home, ugh now that the roads are finally open, Tesco is closed.

So annoying I wanted to browse and have fun, looking at what is new.

I wonder when they will re-open, it's all taped up and restricted for some reason.

I don't know if there was an incident or road works or what.

Anyway meeting Mama was actually fun, neither of us were hungry, my tummy won't stop churning.

So we sat and talked and she's getting the heating discount too.

She said she tried a Greek restaurant but they were quite rude regarding the Too Good To Go app, she wouldn't go there again.

No one is forcing you to advertise on the app, you tits! No reason to be disrespectful.

I don't know if eating will make me feel better or vomit. Even a fizzy appletiser didn't help, though I left most of it.

Mama didn't get the pakoras at the rude place we normally visit, they had issues, but she said near Sainsbury's is a good alternative, although it's far.

Plus I told her about the food truck and she was so happy she loaded up for us ha.

I offered money but she said she didn't want or need it. The food smells so good.

I wish I could nap but got the UC stuff to do. I wasn't sure if I wanted pakoras, holy moly it's tasty.

I better get a drink and keep sipping, while I play anti nausea in the background.

I don't know if I'll blog tomorrow, I feel depleted and so sickly. I can't wait to wash off the makeup.

Oh one of the randoms was behaving really rudely, I don't know if it's the same one I added to discord.

I'm in no mood for it. He was saying, be careful other women want me, like stay on your toes, I know you really like me.

See I can't stand arrogance and deep insecurity, unless you add humour to it, like I do.

I replied she/they could have him, I have moved on and he just carried on, like, no you like me too much.

To say something like that, you have to be really sure of yourself, really read the other person and know that they are hooked.

I can take or leave randoms, so I blocked him. When it's not fun anymore and your ego is up your arse, you're dismissed.

Next........!

#BlogLife967 - On to the next one..

Well the last of the Avon cream cleanser squirted out over the brush, how long did that last?

Hmm only 3 weeks, not good value, my usuals last longer than that and with no scent, I wouldn't get it again.

It did leave my face moisturised and smooth but so do other products which are a lot cheaper and larger.

I'll let you know the next one I use next tomorrow or whenever this goes up..

I opted for the blemish one, at second sniff it smelled like berries and I thought ooh, finally a fragrance.

But alas no, the reality of it was glue, a yucky glue smell.

Ugh but surprisingly it was a cream cleanser, I was expecting a gel one one somehow.

I'm not concerned, my skin is loving the lightness.

Plus it's winter, so extra hydration is never a bad thing.

I'm almost tempted to open the papaya surely that has a beautiful perfume to it.

I doubt it though.

Yesterday yeesh burned my eyes with the contact lens cleaner, youchy. 

Today I slept so badly, the binmen woke me up, they came at 5am yeesh.

I took a stand or rather a seat. As all the lower level seats were taken, I sat on the elderly/disabled seat, on the bus.

I usually don't, but I am shattered and having fun blogging on the bus actually. 

Nobody needed it so that was cool. Not sure if I got any dirty looks, haven't looked up but my face has been going through all the emotions. 

Anyway I'm not important enough to be observed.

Hmm 10 mins to spare, should I go to Tesco?? I didn't want to risk being late so didn't bother.

Ugh the advisor said, make the font on the cv larger, it's bloody tiny as it is, to fit it on 2 pages.

Then he goes add the end dates, who can remember that far back.

Then he said Oh come back later for yet another cv professional ffs or return Thursday, the swine.

So nauseated, tired I opted for Thursday, I don't know if it's this week or next, I'm shattered.

I'm not gonna touch it, they can sort it.

I didn't go to get the samosas, popped in briefly to the international store and picked up this chocolate fudge cake slab for £2.50 it's huge.

By the brand Four Lakes, I think I've tried their lemon loaf, coffee cake and maybe one other, I'm not sure, delicious though.

I also saw Rubicon sparkling passionfruit drink, normally I see orange but that was the only thing there that appealed, actually pretty nice.

Now I'm home and my back is aching, I did a mini Zoom shop. I got the fiver lunch deal.

There was a 3x meal deal for a tenner. Plus some date, plum and hazelnut biccies for £3 ouch.

Lastly I got the Itsu teriyaki 8 chicken bao buns to try £4.25 and the 12x regular chicken gyoza £4.60.

I just wanted snack foods, nothing taxing. Mama texted to say she would come to my place and hand over the stuff.

But I feel that's too cruel and inconvenient to travel all that way to me, and as shattered as I will be tomorrow, I said would meet her in the market.

Crikey if I have to head out Thursday, 3 days in a row, I will be dead on my feet.

Tomorrow or Thursday I'll try to make it to Tesco so I'm not tempted to order more food.

I'll see, I'm thoroughly drained. I'm actually curious if Tesco has any new speciality items, during Christmas which isn't here, they normally do.

I didn't ask Mama to get me anything tomorrow, if I pop in Tesco, I'll get her a drink and see what the veggy options are.

She hasn't told me what time we are meeting, will probably leave it until the last minute, I feel irritated already.

I wish I was tired enough to sleep, I guess I can't anymore, the zoom stuff is due.

I'll put up foodie reviews, either this week or whenever I have the energy and inspiration to share.

One last thing I haven't needed to charge the face brush yet. Oh crap I was going to use the old one as a body scrub and forgot.

#BlogLife966 - I let him have it

Hmm, I just blew up at P. I feel like I'm all over the place with stress and pmt symptoms and the rest..

P is most chatty when we flirt. He never initiates a phone call any other time, to say Hi, How are you doing?

It's never a thought of let me call her during the day, maybe lunchtime, surprise her.

I've had others do that for a routine chat, despite being busy.

Sometimes I think he's all about his needs. Anyway I realised I felt tired early and he calls out of the blue..

It just vexed me so much and then he says what he always does, Oh it can be normal..

So this time I lost it and said No, consider chats off the table.

It's what pisses me off about you. You never want a phone chat any other time to catch up.

He hasn't responded and he can call it a normal chat but then he always, always flirts after a while.

We aren't an item, just acquaintances but damn I still want someone to be concerned, check up on me.

Say they missed me, wanted to hear about any updates..

It'll be interesting to hear what excuse he makes tomorrow..

It reinforces the belief, nobody cares. It's me, myself and I.

We don't argue so how will he handle confrontation? Today, still nothing.

Over text he is more inquisitiveness, asking me about my day. I can't fault him for that.

I think the other thing which put me off, was him asking, Do you like the idea of me coming to your place??

No, no, no! He knows I have trust issues. Why would you even say that to me?

If he didn't make me feel as though I ran a flirty hotline, he could have call privileges returned but he does.

My tastes have changed again, I'm going off fish, which I love and craving more beef.

I wanted it to be the other way around but I can't force myself to eat cod and salmon when it doesn't appeal.

I'm still not volunteering for the moment, I miss the acquaintances I made but I just feel stressed and there's aggravated pain which is constant.

I'm not working on the stories either, I just can't seem to fix my brain and make it function.

P eventually apologised and what makes me laugh is that he's not remotely flirty now ha.

He doesn't get where I'm coming from at all and I can't explain it anymore clearer.

I don't mind over familiarity but treat me like a person, not an object. I do have feelings.

Oh there's another store added on the Too Good To Go app but it's a late night wine and grocery place, maybe 10 or 15minutes walk.

Which I used to go too, more when I first moved in for snacks or top ups before the days of Ocado Zoom.

But it's too far for me, just the process of emptying the bins, the other day, completely zapped me of all energy, I was fine before that.

I keep worrying about losing my independence and not being able to do things because not a single soul I know, who is reliable or helpful.

I just have to keep figuring things out, keep struggling, keep trying to keep my head up..

While I physically and emotionally decline.

Tomorrow is the UC appointment, I hope I get a good nights sleep and am able to pop into that mini Tesco and pick up lunch.

I'm not sure I will bother with anywhere else, apart from to get some samosas or the wrap..

#BlogLife965 - Confrontations

Mama texted last night and she wants to meet to hand over Christmassy stuff maybe? I'm not sure.

I wasn't ready for it but this week or next will see how it goes. I told her about the Too Good To Go app...

Oops already mentioned it to her, she downloaded it but hardly anything nearby, she said a bus ride away was something.

I'm surprised I thought there would have been more and as there is a supermarket nearby, it would have been handy but nope.

There are places sorta locally but awkward to get too, still trying to figure the exact locations, very vague.

Plus the times are late, more for drivers than mere pedestrians, unless you like wandering out after 10pm..

Stranger still, I just checked my email and thought the gas/electric company wanted a meter reading but no..

I'm getting credit added to my account, 2/3 months worth because it's winter and somehow I qualify.

Wait a minute, it said electricity, not gas, but the combi boiler is gas, that warms the house, how can it be electricity only?

I swear, nobody makes sense to me. Baffling but to save money is a good thing and I'm grateful because I need the heating on daily.

The blankie is temperamental, off, on, low, low, super high.

I'm still worried about all the bus diversions and getting stranded.

I dunno if Mama wants to do just a meet, pedicures or lunch, we shall see, I'm not stressing about that anymore.

Before the year is out, I'll do my brows, get a pedicure and book the optician appointment, to finally get the right or left contact lens.

There's fireworks for the past few days, I think it's a holiday of sorts.

Oh yea, I was trying to find the location of the sandwich kiosk place that I wasted the couple pounds on for the Too Good Too Go bag and their hygiene rating is really low.

Maybe it was better that I didn't collect my food. At least the mainstream places are better rated.

I hope more supermarkets catch on and offer the service. If Mama's Lidl did it, she would save so much.

If my lil Tesco did it, that would be really handy. Anyway I will see how I feel and make do.

Perhaps I'll grab sandwiches from the cafe, although it's hit and miss in there..

I did get around to half plucking the left eye, but then I got distracted.

Another thing I noted from the face brush, it's a lil rough with the skin, I thought it would be a lil milder.

It's not bad, just unexpected. The other thing is, with more power and I could use the gentler setting but I don't like it, I want a powerful spin to work my face over and get a deep cleanse..

It uses a lot more product, it really evaporates fast I feel. I think soon the other face mask and this current face wash will be finished..

Good job I stocked up, the nivea moisturiser is finishing too, I need to get a new one.

I went ahead and uninstalled Klondike farming game, only because there is a similar one on Playtime, that will earn money.

It's better to focus on that, Phase 10 rummy and Monopoly Go have maxed out the rewards so useless but fun.

#BlogLife964 - Surprise

There's not many perks with my bank, they offer a rewards scheme for places I don't visit.

But I forgot that for once they did an Iceland cashback thingy and I use that regularly so got back £11.

I think I had a few quid in there and I could have chosen an Amazon voucher but trying to be practical so just added it to my balance.

If they had Just Eat, I would have gone for it. I just did an Iceland shop and to stretch it out, thought I'd add a twist to the sandwiches/burgers.

I was going to get the turkey bacon rashers but what was cheaper was the turkey ham slices, so I'm going to add that to the chicken or beef burgers so I don't get bored of eating the same thing.

I always feel better double checking there's definitely no pork inside it.

For once I have a condiment, so the mustard should pair nicely with it, might add cheese too.

I should have got some olives and maybe egg mayonnaise to vary the fillings even more.

But a big chunk of the budget went on kitchen rolls, buy 2 get 1 free.

Expensive but it lasts and is durable for my hands. The Playtime app I will leave until it gets to £20 and maybe give Mama an Amazon voucher for Christmas.

I'm not sure what I'll get her or I could redeem it and do the usual personal hamper full of treats for her.

I downloaded 5 games but I mainly play monopoly go and phase 10 rummy.

The rest get dull really quickly. Oh I discovered a new period drama that looks fun called The Forsytes.

It seems to be kinda identical to The Forsyth Saga I think it was called, a really old show I watched recently.

I wonder if it will end in tragedy? I enjoy it, no real spice but can't have everything and it has a narrator like Bridgerton too ha, copycats.

I was a bit gutted, Iceland seemed to not deliver the wholemeal rolls for the sandwiches but then I found a pack, turns out they substituted it, so that's a blessing.

I'm still getting the neighbour's post, getting indoors and then realising I have to go back out to re-deliver, some of the neighbours are just disgusting, instead of re-posting it, they just drop it on the floor.

Heinous creatures, I'm glad I'm not like that.

I saw some different vegan sausage rolls to try by the No Meat Company £1.75 for a 2 pack.

I wonder how it will compare to Linda McCartney, Greggs and Quorn.

Quorn might be my favourite. I've been buying and loving vegan options of these since I was a teenager and preferring them over pork.

The limited edition turkey one was excellent though. I'll probably try it this weekend when I want a snack.

I wonder if turkey ham will taste the same as the turkey bacon rasher?

So the turkey ham packs a wallop, very turkey, no fake ham flavour, nice but rashers are less pronounced so better.

I would not get it again, I need something other than overwhelming turkey.

I thought the turkey ham, mustard, cheese thing would go better but it didn't, it suited the chicken more, strange.

Actually I'm not keen on it at all. I finally finished the scented body butter so now onto the lemon.

I can't get over the disgusting smell, seems ok, thick enough, my elbows are cracking as usual.

#BlogLife963 - Quietness

I know I'm supposed to be a chatty blogger but it's difficult at present, there's too many things swirling in my mind, so I've retreated.

The landlord's bugging me about this boiler non mandatory appointment, they say reach out only if you're free and yet bombard you anyway.

If I don't need to have male strangers in my home I won't volunteer and what if there is a creepy bunch of them??

No thank you!!

I wanted to do a grocery shop for tomorrow but as they are lurking aggressively unannounced I'll save it for the weekend, usually they don't come around then.

I could agree and get it over with but I'm not feeling charitable, I feel tender and vulnerable.

Not in the mood to be around people. 

My hands/arm and shoulder keeps being restrained. That's why I don't want to type.

I'm struggling doing things like stretching or holding things and saying Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I can deal with the emotional stresses but the physical aches take their toll on me.

It just feels like I'll never be normal and have a pain free day. It's almost 2pm and I should eat.

At least Looney Tunes is starting the new event soon, that's just a relaxing highlight.

Once I start blogging, I don't usually like to take a break, until I'm done.

Things with Mama are still strained. I think I'm just angry with her and tired of letting her off the hook.

What I can't seem to shake is the fact that the siblings and both my parents got away with mistreating me constantly.

It's the fact that she let the siblings torture me and never sat them down and made them accountable or punished them.

Her retribution was solely directed at me. You should know better, it's your duty to forgive, this is on you, blame, blame, blame.

I'm hard enough on myself as it is but growing older is making me reflect.

Before I was too scared to speak and now it's built up internally.

Their behaviour isn't right. I don't know what to do with these feelings as talking to her, isn't satisfying.

There is no closure because she won't admit fault. It's like she'll hear me and then carry on doing the same thing.

What is the point? How do I get over it or come to terms with the horrors of my past?

I forgot I had another noodle pot of the fuel snacks. This time was the chicken, as the cupboards are mostly bare, reluctantly tried it.

Not good either, dry and powdery is the taste. I do not recommend them at all, worst noodles I've tried.

#BlogLife962 - Avon fest beginneth..

As of the 13th (Monday night), I finished the Neutrogena face wash and now to chose which Avon face wash to try..

Between Anew gentle cream cleanser (£4.95) or Clearskin supercharge cleanser (£4.28) or Skin Glow vitamin c and papaya extract.. (£5.40)

Then eventually when my mask finishes.. Clearskin blemish clearing clay mask (£2.93).

I wonder if they are all unscented. I hope not. I'm going for the Anew cream cleanser as my forehead and nose are a lil dry.

Tomorrow I'll let you know what I think. Hmm sadly the Anew cream doesn't have a smell.

No invigorating the senses. It's a thin cream and feels light so that's positive. It doesn't foam on the brush.

My skin feels soft, no more greasiness. Tonight I'll try to remember to use it with the face brush.

Now I'm trying the Namdong chicken noodle pot. The beef Fuel10k protein is awful, it doesn't blend well, I'm avoiding that brand.

Oh it did have a chilli sachet included but I binned it, not into that.

It smells nice and didn't need extra water, I did it for 5 minutes. This is my favourite, like sweet chilli or sweet and sour.

Delicious and for once tastes chickeny, with a small hint of spice, yum.

I got back from the UC appointment a while ago, ugh my back is killing me for some reason.

I felt like I got a broken up hour's sleep altogether. I woke up, my eye's were burning so reset the alarm for 30 minutes, slept and felt a bit better weirdly.

I wasn't running early and not sure I had the energy anyway to go to Tesco for sandwiches so skipped it.

My advisor wasn't there so I was glad and no yucky referrals to anywhere.

I picked up the chicken samosas, not bad, 5x £3. The raita is lovely and mild and goes well dipping into it, mint, cucumber and yoghurt and whatever else, lovely.

But I got KFC too, because my lovely local cafe is gone and Pret didn't have the chicken baguette.

Actually I realised I fancied fries and for once KFC did it fresh so samosas and a burger leftover for later.

The landlord's doing this boiler audit thingy tomorrow, Monday/Tuesday but I don't think it's mandatory.

I just ignored it, let them roam around checking someone else's boiler, I'm shattered.

If I ever warm up, I can do the heated shiatsu massager on my back later, it's throbbing a lot.

I also forget that I barely sleep before a meeting, I just assume loud party music will perk me up.

I did pop into that international store, I fancied nutty chocolate but they weren't on offer so I declined and just got some cookies and a Vimto.

I finally remembered to get some minty tictacs, no weird flavoured ones, in case I'm feeling sicky, which I was this morning.

Still no monthly, will I be skipping 2 months? That would be heaven.

Oh and as usual I forgot to pluck my brows, I really did intend too but slipped my mind.

I don't know how much I'll be blogging at present. I'm just not feeling good.

Taking off the pressure by not volunteering and not writing felt really beneficial to me.

Why don't I feel sleepy? This is an ideal time to nap, I think the pain is too strong.

#BlogLife961 - I don't know why I'm irritated..

Hmm from Sunday, no reply from Mama after I said I'm not coming for Christmas, no asking How I am..

Fine. I'm only your so-called daughter with health issues and dwp crap.

Then tonight she texted to say the older siblings isn't coming and neither is anyone else, that it wouldn't be the same without me.

Did she contact me while she was away? Nope.

I feel like I'm being manipulated to tow the line and just agree.

To give in, ignore my needs and cater to hers alone.

I think my issue is, now one of the few times I'm standing my ground and sticking up for myself..

Suddenly she's listening? All the years, all the times I've said, if the siblings are there, I don't feel safe..

Now suddenly she's doing me a favour??

Why?? Because you don't want to be alone and you want something from me, suddenly you're being kind..

Maybe you should have considered my safety and wellbeing long before.

You know as selfish as I am. When I told her I wasn't visiting over Christmas..

I felt weightless. I know I'm not supposed to take care of myself, it's supposed to be what she wants, what she needs, to hell with my happiness right?

But stepping away, saying No, I'm not doing what you want.

I'm tired of sacrificing myself for you, felt really good.

I know now I've made the right decision. 

She's not said Are you okay? Can I do anything?

Do you need anything? If it was anyone else but me, she would have.

That is what grates on me. Always being taught, Whatever I want is pointless, Whatever others want is real, it's important.

This year's been hard. I've struggled physically and mentally. 

I've had numerous injuries, a bad fall. I'm constantly stressed about money.

When do I just get to switch off from it? It's supposed to be lonely right? To be alone over the holidays..?

But what if it's not? What if it's freeing to not have anyone being nasty to you?

Putting you down? Making you feel you're not enough..

What if this year, I can finally breathe?

I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

But if I were her, I'd start to question why her only daughter is distancing herself away, more and more.

I don't think she'll ever self reflect. I think I've gotten to a point where I'm too fragile, too vulnerable. 

People are bad and I want to keep my distance, put a lot of walls up and just feel safe again.

There's a lot of bad qualities in me but despite what everyone I know thinks/says about me.

I know I'm a decent person. I'd have your back but no-one is reliable and I've not found anyone that can give me the bond that I would eventually want.

No time for me and take take take, no thanks.

I had a lot of love to give, care, time, affection..

I'm not sure I do anymore.

Ugh just as I thought I couldn't feel worse, there's a new weird mystery pain, my insides feel yucky and movements like bending are making it worse.

There's a local random that's ask to meet a few times, non romantically to kill his boredom.

A tiny bit of me is almost tempted just to have a giggle and the rest of me, doesn't feel safe at all.

I thought I was ready but I'm not, maybe some time later or next year..

#BlogLife960 - MyCarbon face brush

Weirdly enough just before 5pm again the Evri guy buzzed and before I got there, he vanished lol.

I'm really happy with my choice for a few reasons, even though I haven't tried it out yet, at some point this weekend probably.

When I do the usual indepth pampering. I'm pleased that the usb c fast charge wire is long and sturdy woop, just seemed over a metre so the phone won't drop on the floor, great.

Also there are only two attachment brushes, soft and firm but they are really really light and silky.

And the best thing is, I didn't have any issues adding or removing them from the brush woop.

I guess one thing I didn't consider was the weight, it's a lil bigger and heftier for my hands, I don't know if that will be an issue..

The other plus point is the speed, I did want something more powerful and it definitely is.

Another thing is, it seems to have some charge to it, I expected it to be dead.

They said it has extra long battery life and I think it's waterproof, that would actually suit being used as a body brush because it's bigger,

But my hands need light appliances to keep it pain free. That's all I can say right now.

I mean you could take it in the bath or shower and have a whole body experience, revitalise your skin..

I'm personally wary of submerging these types of things fully in water, just like my epilator which is wet and dry..

The reason it's lasted so long is because I'm careful with it.

I think my theory about having a powerful brush was that, you'd get an even deeper clean.

I guess we shall see really, my skin is a bit dry and bumpy at present, hormones and sugar maybe..

Ohh that's what I was gonna mention, I'll double check but I don't think I saw the usb c wire that I bought in the postbox..

Hmm it said it was delivered, unless it's hiding under junk mail.

The face brush was an early Christmas present, so no more splurging, I should be stocked up with everything now.

It's been a long hard day, taking out the bins and changing drained me.

I deserve pampering, time to wash off the makeup and use the new brush..

Hmm that was strange, the firner brush spun fast but felt uncomfy, hard and bumpy.

I don't like it, the softer one felt normal and easier, however it spun really slowly.

I didn't read the instructions, one is speed and one is direction maybe?

Or the battery is dying... The hard brush would suit the body, It wasn't too painful to hold actually, just feels secure in the hand.

About half an hour later, the lights stopped blinking. I assume it's charged, we'll see if it's more powerful now.

Yep the battery was definitely low, after I switched it off and did the spin, it was much better, it felt like it was actually gliding across my face.

I was sceptical but I think the alternate rotating brush makes a difference.

Somehow I feel even more fresher compared to the other face brush.

My skin is stripped, baby soft and has that salon fresh quality. Around the nose area, it almost feels inflexible.

As though it's only hitting the surface and not everywhere but no it's wonderful, afterwards you can't stop touching your face.

It's not completely clear, some scars and pimples have mostly reduced but with each use, I can see and feel a difference.

The one thing glaringly obvious, I need to pluck and get the brows done ha, what a mess..

Since using the new face brush, my skin feels a bit oily in the mornings so that's new.

I'm not sure if it's due to the face brush but the hand/shoulder/arm pain increased significantly.

Plus I've developed a cough. I'm listening to binaural beats and using essential oils to treat it.

Plus I feel like I have nonstop pmt. I like skipping months but it's vengeful with the symptoms.

Cramps, nausea, bloating, it never seems to end, whether or not I come on.

I can't wait to finish all periods permanently, please take the pmt with you.

Ugh.

#BlogLife959 - Witch's homework/Too Good To Go failure

Looks like I'll be spending the day trying to convert xls to pdf and the fun part is losing all my privacy as I have to look through Googly to do it.

The first one, made it so miniaturised it's not possible to read and the rest, cut it off.

Why paypal didn't listen and put it in pdf as I repeatedly told them, is beyond me.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow and I just realised, I was supposed to do the grocery shop for Friday and it's not a good idea, but there's not really food indoors.

I have to just keep going, I feel like the minute I sit down, I'll be too comfy to head out. Plus they might be delayed.

I'll have to pick up snacks or order, depends what's available and how I feel, least I can do my brows, unless there is a queue an I won't wait around.

I feel like morning times are better for me, the pain hasn't set in yet, my body is still relaxedish..

Thank heavens my 4th or 5th site worked. Freeconvert.com and they say files are automatically deleted..

I hope so. 33 pages I have to upload and save to email and then ready for the library printout tomorrow.

I just realised after all the expenses I had to transfer some money back into the current account to cover this month's bills.

I have to check the oyster as well. The rent is paid. I need money for the library printout, the oyster card.

Groceries, I really should stop getting takeout or at least stick to the budget ones or use discounts.

Let's work this out, I'll save money on cab fares as I'll be home alone this Christmas.

When they finally finish their dumb roadworks, I can visit the mini Tesco, that will be cheaper.

If the food stalls are out, that's also better value than ordering.

From November or maybe December, it should be easier.

I guess the other thing is, I could schedule afternoon UC appointments to get the Too Good To Go bags but there is a chance I won't get a seat on the bus...

Whatever I do, I feel like I'm sacrificing my health. I will just keep trying my best and will figure out, what's right for me.

Eventually I will have to ignore the pain and shop locally and then come home and collapse on the bed and hope the discomfort won't last or that I don't aggravate an injury.

Actually the oyster has £19ish so will leave that.

This day keeps getting crappier, the takeout was delivered to the neighbours, the driver didn't ask for the code obviously.

Schmuck!! Got to re-order. No KFC, hopefully I will get a refund. I'm ordering Chinese, they seem to know my address now.

Anyway this is what happened today. Surprisingly the bus went straight to the Market and I didn't have to walk..

Although coming home it was a scary diversion, it took me home so I wasn't stranded.

I was astounded, it was an unexpected blessing because what happened next was a curse.

I got to the library and wasn't sure what order to put in the username and password, if that even was it.

Took me ages to figure it out, I took the phone and went to the library website and luckily the password filler kicked in and I knew it was case sensitive.

Then had trouble with the printer, it wanted a code, there was noone around.

Then instead of being straightforward, he goes scan here, wtf, why? Jeez.

Then the bank said, authorise it in the app, that I deleted, cripes, by that time I was bloody shattered.

So he suggested going to Ryman that's replaced our Post Office we don't have.

The queueing was horrific. I felt my back spasming, nauseated and dizzy.

I was about to give up when it was my turn. I couldn't be bothered to ask if they delete the email contents..

The one thing that made me relieved, it cost the same roughly as the library about £13ish.

I worried it would be a lot more. I posted it, wrote I'm so sorry, I just got it from paypal and will see, what her next back breaking chore is.

I am an idiot. As for the Too Good Too Go app. It was worth £12, £6.50 is the usual discount.

I saw it for £3.50 and I could pay via paypal. I assumed and I swear I googlied the image, that it was the coffee kiosk I passed to go into the Market..

Easy peasy so I went ahead and bought it and then you show that page to the vendor...

Except when I asked if this was the right store, he said sorry nope we are.... Perky....Peaky something..

I emailed Too Good Too Go and they said no refunds.. :(

A disaster but it's sent. I dd confirm that the bakery next to the pedicure place is correct.

Now I can visit the lil Tesco, in the future and load up. Oh checked the post and got the usb after all, it was hiding.

#BlogLife958 - Tomorrow brushing the face

Well just before 5pm I think, Evri buzzed and by the time I got to the door, gone lol.

The mini perfume sample is okay, a bit flowery but not in a spray bottle, a lil stopper, but easyish to pull out.

That's a shame none of them smell of anything. I should add, they were not packaged securely.

The box could have easily been opened, there was no bubble wrap or sellotape so they could have leaked which is not great practice for a company charging that much.

They obviously don't care about their customers, very sad. Once I get trying them properly I will let you know more.

I still have some mask and face wash left.

Oh and the other thing is, Evri lied the face brush wasn't delivered for the second time.

Looks like it will be tomorrow or maybe another excuse.. Then Friday I can head to the library to do the printing nonsense, which is gonna be a struggle with the cramps and dizziness.

I just realised most of the Too Good Too Go bags I like are around lunchtime and I'm more a morning person, so we shall see.

Oh the other thing I didn't realise, oof on the day, because they list them sometimes the day before..

The prices can reduce, that's fascinating, especially that posh coffee kiosk, they can go from £6.50 down to £3.50..

It's interesting but my legs won't make it sadly. I've realised I have to conserve energy and be sensible, that's why I rely on takeout when I get in.

And when the money is gone, I'm gonna struggle to stay on my feet and question whether, eating is a priority or resting is?!

So maybe no magic bags but the samosa guy might be there, at least I can pick up some snacks, providing my legs aren't burning.

I just hate the exhaustion that washes over me, going out is such a chore, I'm beginning to hate it.

Yea for others it's glorious and fun, for me, it's taking all my energy and leaving me empty.

I'm in two minds, Googly says mustard is a bit healthier than ketchup and mayo..

I want to try French's mustard to see if it's sweeter, I don't really like tartness or too vinegary.

In Iceland (the place) I was introduced to a sweet condiment but savoury too.

They called it mustard but I don't think it was that, it didn't taste like mustard, maybe it was a burger sauce??

I need something mostly not sugary but not bitter. My tastes keep changing.

I want to see if I will like it. I'm trying to budget, be healthyish and find something I will like so I don't get bored with food.

Instead of binning the old face brush I could use it as a body exfoliator scrub brush..

#BlogLife957 - Avon updated tracker after complaint

As suspected it took me complaining to customer services to finally get some progress.

Pathetic!! Now tracking says it's with Evri and the excuse customer service gave....?

Oh it takes 3-5 days, yes tomorrow will be the 5th working day and it won't be delivered, so your reasoning is rubbish!

Anyway now I guess there is a chance both could arrive tomorrow but doubtful.

I want them both to come while I'm home though, what if they leave it outside the door and it gets pilfered?

That's my concern, the cleaners, the maintenance, the neighbours seem to help themselves to my stuff..

Anyway just tried the newest Iceland chicken fries, it's much more chickeny but I overcooked it, 20 minutes is way too long, maybe 15ish next time.

Ugh ok so 3 weeks later from the 17th October I think it was, when I phoned up for it, paypal has sent me the report but as a message and not in the requested pdf form she requested and no date timeline..

Good grief it's in a spreadsheet form so I guess I have to convert it to pdf or find a way to make it downloadable..

Yeesh further headaches. I feel I've been screwed over once again.

Why does noone do what I ask?? I'll figure it out. I'll wait for the 2 parcels to arrive and then maybe Friday or Saturday I can head to the library and print out this nonsense for the 4th bloody time and send it to her.

Then I'll wait for her to yell and insult me on the phone and download whatever the fuck she wants yet it again, on this bloody merry go round and on and on it goes..

I wonder if they held back delivering the face brush for when the Avon parcel was received and ready to be sent out..

Who knows, the Avon is due anytime, we'll see if the face brush comes also..

The randoms are crazy as usual I think one of them stopped talking to me and had a hissyfit..

I played a joke when he said Hello and I replied Do I know you?

He said Bye and I said Just kidding and no response. To be honest yesterday was hardcore cramping all day so I wasn't in the most frriendliest of moods..

If he eventually develops a sense of humour and replies this week great, if not blocked..

P still treats me like I run an 0906 number, SS's spicy hotline, fem speaking...

He never wants a phone call during the day, only before bed as usual, keep waiting...

I wonder how you're supposed to treat your hands when the yucky pain flares up?

This type makes it horrible to move or flex them so I want to leave them be, but I can't..

I'm always typing or picking up the phone. What am I supposed to do?

Unscrew them for a bit, do nothing and then re-attach them? At least today seems hassle-free pain waise..

#BlogLife956 - I'm not liking Avon..

I finally feel like munching so had a crisp while I'm waiting for the Nissin chicken teriyaki with veggies ramen to cook/heat up..

It didn't really smell of much and no sauce packet. I didn't put much water as it was quite full.

I did it for 7 minutes and added a touch more water that instantly disappeared.

It has this hint of sweetness, it's not too salty. I quite like it actually, it's not chickeny but it is nice.

Not really sweet or salty and a really good amount of thinnish noodles.

I don't know if the lip scrub is meant for an overnight treatment but you'd eventually eat it off.

My recommendation is to apply it before you wash your face in the morning and night time.

That way you get a lil benefit mashing your lips together before you wash it off or wipe it off, whatever you prefer.

That to me is much better than leaving it on and being uncomfortable.

Then what you do, is follow up and apply a regular balm, simple :)

Oops forgot to do the most obvious thing when I'm confused about which brand to get...

Go on Youtubey and watch reviews.. Hmm I didn't realise the MyCarbon features fast charging and they include a usb which I need a spare one.

Also the reviews seem glowing and it seems to indicate you can spin it two directions, I'm not sure how that benefits but..

It's interesting and the last incentive is the long battery life. It's actually probably worth about £30 so I shouldn't really complain..

I just like saving money where possible. I just went ahead and bought the MyCarbon one..

Oddly enough it didn't say it was out for delivery but I got a note from Evri to say it wouldn't arrive today but tomorrow..

Strange that they couldn't get it to me, there is a ton of construction and road works.

Heaven knows what the noise is. I was hoping that the Avon parcel and the brush would arrive together..

No chance as the Avon one hasn't been sent to Evri, yeesh they are disgustingly slow.

I feel better I wrote Avon a scathing email regarding my parcel status, if you're charging for delivery, it should be prompt.

Honestly sometimes it feels like the only way to receive the goods or services you've paid for, is to chase them up and complain.

Oh I had the UC appointment, nearly 30 minutes late, yeesh and now the next one is in person, ugh..

I'll probably get an eyebrow shape and maybe snacks if any stalls are out.

#BlogLife955 - Do you smell nice...?

I don't know why taking out the bins and unpacking the shopping gets harder each time but I struggled to catch my breath afterwards.

I decided to keep trying new things and the Flora proactiv butter I think is less fatty than the willow, it actually tastes good too, I might stick with that, just for crackers not for breads/sandwiches..

The other thing is Kellogs dark chocolate and almond bars, those surprised me.

4x pack for £2.50 a very generous bottom layer of chocolate and lots of nuts, I highly recommend that.

At some point I will try the Nissin chicken teriyaki ramen noodles and I'm cooking the mango chutney onion bhaji 12x £2.50 tiny ha..

The bhaji with stuffed mango chutney was surprisingly good, needed more sauce though, this hint of sweetness complimented it well.

Updates? Well Mama returned she told me she got back yesterday and I'm said I'm not coming for Christmas but glad she's back safe.

I don't feel like pretending everything is fine when I'm bitter and I don't need the added stress/depression that staying with her brings.

Apparently the usb charger was delivered, haven't checked too tired and re-strained my shoulder or arm so that's tender.

Tomorrow the Avon and Beautizone might arrive, one is Evri, one is regular postie.

Well today, Monday, the special postie must have dropped off the Beautizone stuff, blurry pictures on twitter (@SleeplessScrib1).

So these ones I haven't tried but I like the brand for the value and the size and it's always on offer and lasts me months.

Highly appeal to me as in the past, things labelled as body butters were a scam, they were super thin lotions that didn't help with the dehydration.

Anyway the Nicka K scrub smells like strawberries even before you open it.

The inner protection soft lid was harder to open, my hands were slippery from trying the body butters.

I'm quite surprised how big the clumps of scrub were, that's just uncomfortable to have on your lips for a long period, what were they thinking??

I immediately wiped it off and felt better. it did seem to smooth my mouth.

I wouldn't buy it again, the other one was much more lighter and did the same thing.

Hmm I'm gutted a bit and now I see why these were reduced.

Both the American Dream lemon and cocoa body butters smell awful like wax.

I can't believe it's not flavoured. I was so excited about the lemon one, the citrus hitting my senses every time I used it.

There is nothing, same as the cocoa butter, it's just this horrible waxy scent.

I like perfumed products, I seek those out specifically because when I'm pampering, it gives a bit of a lift to my spirit.

Especially times like today, when I'm sore and achy and feeling hormonally down.

But my hope is.. Maybe they were freshly made and haven't settled..

It could be that the scent is at the middle or bottom and needs to be mixed up.

I will let you know, I haven't finished the other one, so I will leave this alone for now.

I just opened it to see what they were like and give some initial feedback.

The Avon one is slow 4 days and it's not even with Evri yet. Pfft 3-5 days, yea right..

The Beautizone took 4 days, not bad..I'm not sure what to munch today..

Hmm I'm not sure what to do, looking back I ordered my original face brush 9 years ago in 2016, unbelievable.

I didn't know it was that old, no wonder it's dying.. The retail cost was just over £10 but I had a gift card so free basically.

I thought it was cheaper actually. I remember not liking the sponge head, it didn't feel right.

I've seen a new one that costs £16.30 yuck, that's a lot more than I wanted to pay.

I know it's not expensive and if it lasts another 9 years, that's brilliant.

This one has 2 speeds also, I'm hoping it would be more powerful.

The Essy one is £17 with 5 speeds, it doesn't look comfy to use, no brushes or sponges, it doesn't seem like.

The MyCarbon one has the brushes but £16.30 is still a lot. There is a Homedic one but no UK plug..