#BlogLife841 - Rare wandering adventure

Today was good but a bit strange, there was lots of glitches, the bank wouldn't let me log in.

Just Eat wouldn't load. It was a nice sunny day and I had a late UC appointment so now I'm lounging.

I really fancied the roti wraps and the Indian restaurants don't usually open until the evening but I saw one and decided to try it out.

It's a pity they didn't have the veggy pakoras or the chicken samosas or the traditional desserts but hopefully they will find my address easily.

I ordered some chicken wraps and a fudge cake and a sprite. It's nearly 5.30pmish and I haven't eaten or drank anything all day.

I still don't feel particular hunger pangs but maybe when I get going I will.

There's a new noodle place and a kebab place locally that I didn't realise, maybe Mama would like to try it some time.

It's a good job I'm not hungry as they predict an hour and 30 minutes has passed already.

Oh I finally got my brows done £7 but I told her no threading and she still did it.

Ughhhh why don't they listen? That really annoys me. I keep feeling like my eye area is bleeding but it doesn't seem to be.

It's stopped pulsating with discomfort. I can't wait to change when the food gets here.

I also had just about enough energy to pop into the EE phone shop and they said there isn't any £19 deals going.

I had a feeling, my best bet is the crappy phone customer service malarky.

I just feel drained and disappointed with them so I guess that's why I'm not eager to call and deal with them but I will when I have some free time.

Oh surprisingly my UC advisor gave me a phone appointment, it's a video call but he said probably will be a routine phone thing.

Ugh I hope so. I refuse to stress about that, I have enough on my plate.

I checked the post and no face wash or other appointments. I'm going to have to chase it up and tell them I haven't received it.

Aside from stressing. I feel good today. I got a lot off my mind. Hmm ok well it wasn't really rotis.

More like fresh soft greek type bread, tasty but I prefer rotis, was very mild and plenty of leftovers for tomorrow as the bread was thick.

Oh the puree wrap was more like a roti, a bit dry maybe but it satisfied my cravings, quite tasty topped with a burger sauce and chopped veggies and/or onions I think.

Except for the cramps and nausea, there wasn't much pain today, my back twinged a bit but I guess that's why I shopped as it wasn't so taxing.

There's something else, although I don't want to gossip but sometimes I want to shake people and say Grow up and think rationally.

Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? Take a breath, think things through and then decide.

Why rush in when you have time and maybe you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm trying to be helpful but I lose patience when people blurt things out and you wonder if they have lost their damn mind.

What are you expecting me to say? Go ahead, to hell with the consequences??

Jump into something crazy, see how that works out for you... In the long run..

I have no time to do the softy softy approach. I just call it like I see it.

That's it, brain unpacked, now I have to tidy up and relax for the night.

#BlogLife840 - I am buzzing, new Samsung A16 phone incoming :) updated

I am so happy I could do a cartwheel! I'm trying to get things done one by one.

It still seems like there is a lot to do, but the one major thing was getting a new phone and contract as soon as possible.

EE was shafting me on the deals though. I was really annoyed by that, a loyal customer not getting any bargains.

It is ridiculous so as I was on hold waiting to connect, I thought I would be polite but sassy saying EE is not that friendly with upgrades like BT is and they were more prone to good deals.

Well he took mock offence and he said Well you're paying £17, I think it was £19 before but they reduced it.

Anyway I mentioned Samsung phones but not wanting to pay a lot more and he said alright because you're already with us for Broadband, that's a discount for you.

It's going to be a challenge but I'll see what I can do. I had low to zero expectations because every time I called they wanted me to pay double, no way!

Then he didn't mention the A15 and I said wouldn't that be cheaper?

And he said that's now gone, so it's the Samsung A16 and I thought Oh no, that's new, I googlied it and it was released last November.

But then he said Good news, I can give it to you for £20!! Arghh, I know it's not less money but it's not a huge hike either.

Plus he said the yearly cost does not apply or maybe he added it already? I don't know.

Maybe it was £16 before? As that was the charge for the other networks, actually no, that was the A15...

But I know for next year it will be a £4 hike, although who knows maybe another offer will reduce it.

I have no clue but I am over the moon, to finally have a new phone.

I should mention that I did have to pay the delivery fee upfront which was £7 ouch and I did make that sound to him haha.

He said he can't give me a discount and reduce the delivery charge, I mean it is next day tracked but still hefty.

Phones used to be delivered free but it probably took a week lol.

Ha, I want next day and no charge but it is, what it is. I cannot believe for the first time ever, I got to pick colours, it was blue-black yuck, grey, yuck or green yummy.

I just chose the green and he said that was really popular. Why they don't have pink, purple or reds is beyond me.

As though women don't purchase phones pfffft!! I should have asked if it was a smart charge phone.

The rules have changed again, now they send you the contract via a sharing screen and you read and accept it.

Plus they or the courier, dpd, sends a pin and you show that to the delivery person and that's how you get the phone, luckily it's not passports, mines expired.

I used to cover up the date lol. I have to be crafty sometimes. There will be pictures and a review coming or maybe a setup or all of the above..

Sometimes delays turn out to be the best thing, if I had called sooner or upgraded earlier I would have gotten an older phone.

Stress made me wait and because of that I am getting a newer phone, a nicer colour and a cheaper deal.

It was worth the wait. Oh and Mama has begun her holiday abroad, she just texted me, if she had let me know I wouldn't have called her and raised her rates.

I just emailed instead. I don't know what the cost of calling or texting abroad is and I'm trying not to have huge expenses.

Last thing, everything is basically the same. I have a feeling I was getting 6gb of data that I don't use, I have no need for it.

But now I'm getting 5gb it's not significant. I just wanted to mention it.

I only use mobile data for power cuts and outdoor gaming, checking the bus timetables and maybe emails.

I have unlimited wifi at home so need for anything else. It's a nice safety net though for emergencies, in case the router breaks or the laptop dies..

I thought they were going to reduce it to be honest, back ages ago, you were lucky to get even 1gb.

It was horrendously expensive. You know what else is funny? When I won that OnePlus phone and they said pick anyone you want, but be prepared to pay the extra if it's not covered by the £150 I think it was voucher..

I wanted to get that green phone, it was dark green gorgeousness but pricey so no chance.

This green one is light and less pretty. It will be uniqueish though I hope.

Unfortunately a bit bigger too, so even more awkward to hold. He said I should be sent a text with the tracking details which is good as on the website the order page has crashed ugh.

Oh and I had to tell him that I had been trying to upgrade since October and this was the first decent offer I received, he seemed astounded but it's the truth.

EE suck for upgrades unless you have endless patience to hound them for an offer that's semi decent.

Hmm they haven't sent me the pin yet, maybe I am supposed to get it on the day of the delivery or when it's with the courier?

I'm still nervous about this pin code. I've now gotten the 1 hour window from 3.50pm - 4.50pm but no code.

I contacted EE and they said it's nothing to do with them, it's DPD and she gave me the wrong contact number for them.

I tried downloading the app but they have a registration section saying leave the parcel with a neighbour and I don't want to do that, I would never get the phone.

I'm just going to hope that they send it nearer the time. It's only just before 11am now.

The other thing which made me laugh is that they cancelled that complimentary 10% out of contract discount, I was getting every month for some unknown reason.

It makes sense as I have just renewed and then today, they said Oh for staying with us, here's a 10% offer.

Ha, so it's returned the £2 off my bill, I wonder how long it lasts? Instead of paying £20 it should be £18. Strange but helpful.

After all that negotiating and endlessly calling then I did eventually get a double money off multi promotional deal.

I might update this when it's arrived or let you know what happened with the pin drama.

The dpd driver didn't send the pin code, it came just now about 4pmish, 15 minutes earlier than the tracker predicted.

He didn't even ask for the flipping code, goodness me. I was stressing so much he wouldn't hand it over.

But he just said there you go lol. Now there is another issue, I don't know if they craftily charged me for accessories, there is a £25 amount in the invoice.

Sneaky, I will definitely chase that up. I hope not. When I asked him what was included he just said the usb wire, no plug and the phone.

I see a plastic phone cover and this £10 gift voucher for I don't know what.

I'll figure it out later. I even looked for my passport to show him some ID, I was ready to plead.

I was going to show the phone with the texts and the invoice proof but again thankfully, none of that was needed.

Maybe they only make the fuss for the fancy pants phones, like iphones and the newest galaxies...

I just wanted to add to this for a reference when I upgrade again in 2 years.

At least I will know not to panic. I'm definitely ready for a brighter display and better battery life.

I have so many posts stored for later. I'll experiment with the phone a bit and then put a review post out.

It might be next week, I'm not sure.

#BlogLife839 - Pretty on the outside - Horrendous inside

The weekend was rough but productive. At least I didn't wallow for all of it.

Monday was hard too but I still put out a post and I was waiting to finish it on a good note and Postie came to the rescue.

I totally forgot about the tops from Amazon, even though I checked the tracking this morning, I thought customs would be on them for a while.

It arrived at the airport early this morning so I was surprised it was out for delivery, it took 11 days.

I'm so pleased, that they fit roomily and the quality is outstanding, it's not thin, it's a lil thickish and warm.

I love the range of colours and styles and it's still on sale, should I get the reds?

The only annoying thing is the buttons are tiny and fiddly, I don't know if they'll come apart when I wear it, I was planning to have something underneath anyway.

I don't usually like buttons at the front but they blend in and I suppose I can undo a few in the summer.

I think I'll wear the blue or purple out tomorrow. It's still hard to come to terms with looking different, but feeling the same.

I have to re-do the floors again, they aren't spotless. Ugh I wish they didn't take so long to dry.

I had a UC meeting today, I think if I'm early again. I'll get my brows done and that will be one less thing on my mind.

I'm going to confess this Friday night slip.

It's 1.23am so technically it's Saturday but knowing that I'm going to re-block H soon made me sad.

I actually thought it was Sunday as that is the deadline I set.

I had no intention of contacting him, until I found myself texting. 

I didn't feel embarrassed or cringey. I felt relieved. 

I still don't expect a reply. He would have done it by now..

My stomach is in knots. If you're curious about what I said and why..?

I am unreachable most of the time. I'm careful about what I share and will find any excuse to distance myself away from someone appealing.

Just for once, I thought.. What if I put myself out there?

Made myself vulnerable? Would it really hurt so bad if I did?

I can handle disinterest. It's happened before,  it will again.

So what if he doesn't respond? At least I was more open than usual. 

It's worth the risk. I'm not optimistic just matter of fact.

I'll add to this Sunday night, after I click block! He didn't reach out and I can handle the rejection and not fall apart.

All I said was that I was going to stop thinking about him now after you ghosted me following the jokey goodbye.

I did really like you but I get that you don't feel the same. That's all X.

I'm glad I tried, I'm glad I put myself out there.. It's all part of growing and healing, being vulnerable and a bit more open.

Just because it didn't work out this time, it doesn't mean it never will.

I don't feel sad anymore, I got the closure I needed to move on peacefully, that's what I wanted.

:)

#BlogLife838 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 18 - The Have and The Have Nots

This is an old tv show that I just started watching recently. I'm on a Tyler Perry binge, it's soo good though, the intricate stories and the layers unfolding.

One minute you're laughing, then sad, then confused, then shocked.

It's quite brilliant how it unravels. It's mainly centred on this family, with a wealthy complicated dynamic.

The kids both went through trauma, one is suicidal, one is an addict.

The hubby is a serial cheater, the wifey has cancer and noone in the family knows, just the kind maid, who becomes a friend.

Then on top of that, the son's addiction counsellor has a serious crush on him, but he's closeted because his parents will disown him if he comes out.

But the son is straight and he's trying to combat his insecurities and reconcile with his girlfriend, only the counsellor is sabotaging it.

On one hand, you feel sorry that he's stuck and his parents aren't supportive and on another, you're seriously creeped out by his actions.

He's a therapist, he's supposed to be neutral. I hope that eventually he'll fire himself as a therapist and seek help to come to terms with his identity.

That's why in counselling, you're supposed to undergo it first, before you treat others, how can you know the right thing to do or say otherwise?

Except for me, I think I did pretty well but it was draining. I just felt my own stresses on top of it and it got too much.

Although at least I am trying to explore everything that's happened to me and how I'm feeling, that's not professional but it's a gateway at least to understanding myself.

Anyway the last thread is the husband's latest mistress turns out to be his frail daughter's new bestie.

And she blackmails him, ha and complications ensue when he and his bestie retaliate.

Goodness me it's a lot, but very fascinating. I have to say though during today's chat date.

I ended up adding a bit to one of the stories. It wasn't much and not really anything major but at least it's helping to move it along.

I love that he was working and multi tasking and still could maintain a conversation.

Today he brought up the number swap thingy and I'm ok with it but he's slowing down the pace and I can't say it bothers because we chat daily now.

Well kinda always have from the beginning and now it's migrated to during the day too, not just evenings.

I'm content as long as I get the daily post out and sort out my emails and all the UC obligations.

Then I usually break up the day with munchies, watching half an episode and gaming, Looney Tunes, Scrabble, Match Masters or Klondike.

But the time does fly because sometimes I'm working on what to say tomorrow but actually I have a few drafts at the moment, with various themes.

I doubt if I'll see him tonight, I'll check at 9pm as he was off to the gym.

I'm going to watch Tracker and there is a new episode of Found out.

The problem with these shows is, there are so many gaps between episodes, I forget what on earth is happening.

There is a new love interest for Candace the former mistress he seems decent but I think it's a long con game.

He's just almost perfect. I cringe that he said he was looking for someone exotic, ickkkkk.

I always feel like it makes us non-caucasians sound like we're a novelty object, something to capture, have fun with and discard because it's a bucket list, we're not people, we're playthings.

The other thing he said was that he's a serial cheater and womaniser, he chases, conquers and then moves on.

But the way he's kinda romancing her, it doesn't seem like a fling.

I think he's trying to implicate her in insider trading or some other shady deal, to lose her cash and therefore lose her security.

I do actually hope that's not the case, if he's a good guy, it will be her first.

He's dangling this investment bait but deliberately not pushing to make her think, it's her idea.

That's why I don't trust him, he's pushing her to be vulnerable, this lets her guard down, and you don't think straight, when that happens.

You're just want to stay warm and fuzzy, not cautious about motives..

I just want to add this theory as I am near the end. The daughter Amanda ends up allegedly committing suicide as she goes through another catastrophic event.

If it was murder I thought the only person with a motive was her attacker but then high on drugs the brother blurted something out.

I wonder if in his fractured delusional state he murdered her and made it appear as a suicide?

Because he ended up shooting his Papa and his Mama but not directly at his Mama, it turns out, he spared her..

He blames his parents for not protecting him and thinks they don't care but then he's full of self loathing and insecurities.

Mistaking friendship for exploitation. Anyway as usual I am over-thinking it all.

I can just relate to the angst of that constant building turmoil and if you don't get help or a release, it explodes.

What's the motive for killing his sister? Maybe she was too much of a burden?

Maybe he wanted to spare her any further pains? Or maybe he thought with his family gone, he could just erase the past like it never happened, no reminders left....?

He doesn't want to help himself, that's what annoys me, ample opportunities and consequences and still no growth or realisation that he has to help himself, no-one can wave a wand and fix him instantly.

#BlogLife837 - Phone moi

I think I gave up too easily with the phone renewal thingy. I'm just going to keep calling until I find a deal I can live with because every time I call they seem to reduce it, so why not.

I think it's about £19 I'm paying for the month so that or less is maybe doable.

There is no way I am paying more especially with the price hike of £4 maybe?

I can only chance it and call but I'm not really in the mood to haggle at present.

Today was me and Mama's pedicure, that was glorious, massage chair whirring, scrub and cream massages.

No real foot massage but I can live with that, they seemed to be short staffed so bit of a rush job, with one woman catering to us both.

Today the pains were pretty bad, it was just creeping everywhere, so even sitting was horrible.

And changing was excruciating, it felt like I was tearing my arms off.

But I wore the new blue top, it fits so roomily, I might go a size down if I get the reds.

It's not baggy just loose and drew a few compliments from Mama and the salon lady.

Ugh I went into the kitchen to put the leftovers away and forgot to get some cold water.

Haha visually there was no hot totty about, they always seem to come around, when I'm looking my scruffiest not when I'm polished.

Today I experimented with a bluey purply eyeshadow over a reddy pink shade, not too bad.

And me and Mama treated each other, she bought me jalebis and ladoos, indian super sweet desserts as unfortunately the pakoras were sold out.

And they keep acting as though they don't want to sell it to us. Twits!

And I bought us lunch, well breakfasty, she had a full english, minus pork, chips, beans, eggs, mushrooms and I munched some of her fries.

I had about one or two bites of my chicken wrap and felt full and kinda sickly so I just drank the appletiser and packed the rest away.

I should have asked them to put mayo, it seems kinda dry but the wrap itself is like bread and roti had a baby, tasty.

Mama laughed at that, she's preparing for her upcoming trip. I'm keeping my reservations to myself.

I guess the one thing I don't like about this cafe is that the foo quality is inconsistent, where other places are good all the time.

I recall last time the wrap was really flavourful and wasn't dry but the bread itself was just average.

Now this time it is the opposite, why can't it be the same all the time?

I mean't to epilate both my legs but the epilator died and when it charged up, I forgot to do the other leg ha.

It's just light fuzz and not much of it now. It's lovely and sunny today, compared to yesterday's rain but I still feel horrible.

The cramps will not let up, I experienced them when I was trying to sleep this morning.

I should eat but my appetite is non existent, it might help to settle my tummy though as it's 3pm and I haven't consumed anything all day.

Normally I would do an Iceland shop for tomorrow but I'm going to leave it for the weekend as the freezer and fridge isn't quite empty yet.

As predicted still nothing from H and I'll leave it until Sunday night as that will have been 5ish days and that's plenty to reach out, if he so chooses.

There's not a chance in hell but I feel better giving that extra time.

I'm taking a break from the cleaning. I'm not up to it at all. What I want to do is find someone else to occupy my mind.

But I value quality over quantity. It's easy to get chitchat but it's way more difficult to find someone truly engaging that has a brain above the waist.

And that's what I'm looking for, although to be honest. I don't even want that, I think I want to wallow, just be sickly and have comfort food or watch my cheesy shows and forget about life and stress and drama and being ignored.

I hope your weekend is a lot cheerier than mine. Monday might be late as I have a meeting.

I'll see how I feel. When I return home, I'm going to be shattered and want to eat and relax and get away from the pains.

#BlogLife836 - Closure for real this time

I did a silly thing. I haven't been able to distract myself from thinking about H.

I want answers and closure that I'm not going to get. Did I block him too soon?

2 and a half days of being blanked doesn't seem it but what if something happened?

I decided even though it's a waste of time unblocking, I would do it anyway.

It's only been from Monday lunchtime to Tuesday 10pmish. Only 2 days.

But he might have been trying to get in contact, highly unlikely, he doesn't chase and nor do I.

Pride goeth before a falleth. I miss the days where you could block someone and check to see if they called, even though it didn't go through.

Plus you could sneakily read the texts they sent, even if they weren't in your inbox.

Ha! I loved that feature even though it's now gone. It was handy in case there was a misunderstanding or you weren't sure you did the right thing.

I'm feeling pretty awful today, hence why whichever post is going to go up late.

It's been all day hard crampage, ugh, so as I thought there's so far been no texts from him.

Either he gave up and contacted me prior or is hurt that he thinks I tried to end it, or more likely was looking for an excuse to distance himself and I gave him a reason.

I'm going with the last one but by doing this, I'll maybe give it one last week or less and see if he tries to message me.

And if he doesn't then I'll know I tried everything and it still didn't work.

I'm definitely not going to call/text and be ignored for a third time! Nopity nope!

I call myself ruthless but he upped me, he didn't even chase it up to see if I was serious, that's harsh.

By the weekend or next week I'll just know either way. Nobody likes game playing but he and I were just doing it playfully and it backfired on both of us.

Part of me thinks he's winding me up and staying away on purpose for revenge and just to get me to plead with him to get in touch or apologise..

But that's not my style, the other part thinks he obviously doesn't give a damn.

There is also a slim chance, one day I'll bump into him on chat, we'll clear the air, one way or another.

Normally I would tell them if they're unblocked, which is a rarity but as he's not talking to me, there isn't any point.

In the last few messages that was what was conveyed. I'm playing hard to get, I love winding you up etc etc.

It wasn't malicious, we were kidding around about things, hence why I pretended to end things.

It was supposed to be haha I win, I get the last word. If he's like this for a fake fight, what would he be like for a genuine one?

Yikes! Oh and the other thing was, he wanted us to come up with a story together.

We ran some ideas together he liked the idea of the boss/employee type but I've done that before.

Plus we had different ideas on how it would unfold. I don't think it would have blossomed anywhere.

He thought by combining our skills, it would be easier but I don't think it would have.

I guess I need to be on the same page as someone I'm collaborating with..

I thought maybe I'll come up with something new and dedicate to him, we'll see.

I feel fried and horrible today. All the randoms seem to think it's easy to compose stories.

And that I should stick to unclean fiction but there are reasons why I can't do that, not even in fiction can I go there...

Goodbye H, been nice knowing you. A soft spot for you remains but I'm only letting people close to me, that want to be there, not those that don't or feel obligated to stay.

There was something special about you, vulnerable, tough, open, caring, sweet, hilarious and a true communicator. 

Full sentences, full conversations, opinions of your own and topics readily to hand.

I don't think we ever stuttered or said, Now what do we talk about? There was no awkward silences, it just flowed.

You're going to be hard to replace, but replace you I will.

But to put it out there, I did like and care about you, not something I admit or feel that often but I did for you.

-X- -x- - X- 

Ps just to get you out of my system completely, I even did the kiss of death thing.

I added you to my contacts, whenever I do that, it's always followed by a big fallout, well we've had that so all that is left is continued radio silence and I can breathe easily, knowing I did my part to save us.

Then I can start to forget about you and move on to someone else, that's hopefully not going to affect me as much.

Also maybe that thing that you like and I don't actually was a dealbreaker..

#BlogLife835 - Let's face it

Ugh I was hoping the knock on the door was the Postie, but no it was from the landlord, one of those Surveyors, actually 2, which unnerved me.

Talking about an appointment to look around, draw a map, take photographs.

I sooo hope they don't need to come into the bedroom, I cringe so hard, I just feel scared,

Male workers seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to make inappropriate comments or barge in and it freaks me out.

Umm nope, I need to tidy up first, put the laundry away. I told them to come back another time, I didn't know anything about it.

They took it well and said they will send me another meeting time and I'll deal with it then.

I finished the Eveline wash, it wasn't bad it was just tiny. Now I am onto the Fixderma.

It's a clear gel, smells nice and orangey, quite thick though and has beads, ugh, didn't realise that.

It washes off ok though considering the awkwardness and it does leave my face soft.

You do need a moisturiser afterwards, my skin feels pretty stripped.

The Glow wash and the tops I guess are still on the way. I finally decided to give the chocolate custard a try....

Hilarious, it's Ambrosia Ready chocolate custard pots, 2x 120g £1.60 I don't know if it was on offer.

The size is fine, the cost is a lil steep but the taste is nothing like custard at all, not even a lil bit.

It's just chocolate yoghurt, that's all it is. I thought it would be something cute and different to try but nope, false advertising.

I mean it was really creamy and tasty but not what it was supposed to be, so disappointed.

Now that the Neutrogena moisturiser is all used up, I am onto the Astral face cream.

It's a big tub, the price was expensive but it's quite a good size, thick and on the greasy side.

It smells nice too, generic perfumey but nice.

It's definitely a winter cream. It's what my face needs at the moment.

I might only use this once a day though. Oof I'm shattered. I checked through my old post I had forgotten to read and did find the appointment letter for the Surveyors, so not scammers trying to gain entry.

It's official from the landlord, I still don't see the point of it but I made my peace with it.

For safety reasons if they do need to see my bedroom, I will not be in the room.

I'm going to wait outside. It's just too much of a freak out, to have 2 grown men and me alone in a room, actually in my home.

I've been worrying nonstop and keep waking up fretting about it but it's mandatory so no choice.

I just hope it doesn't take an hour as predicted. I'm going to be in a lot of pain and tired from standing all that time.

I cannot to be seated with strangers roaming around nearby.

This is one of my worst nightmares but anyway, I'm going to try and keep it in perspective, they just have a job to do and I have to cope with it as best as I can.

I've made a start on tidying. I've mopped all the floors but my bedroom.

I'm exhausted. It's only 4.30pmish and I've eaten so I don't want to go back in the kitchen until it dries.

I have to wipe down the bath and sink, mop the bedroom floor, change the duvet, empty the bins.

Put away the washing and then I'm done. That can wait until tomorrow, I don't want to move.

I love that washing up scent, fruity, strawberries maybe? It's been 2 and a half hours, floors are still damp ugh, will leave them until morning now.

For touch-ups I normally get some old clothes or rags, wet it with hot water, bleach and just wipe around and that seems to be easier.

My body is not a fan of bending but it works better than the mop.

There's no sign of a new appointment. However the DWP bank consent form arrived, so I signed it and posted it today.

Come hell, what may.....

#BlogLife834 - I'm not his or his type, I'm my own type

I've been conversing with H he's new. We've just about swapped names, no numbers or emails.

But we talk every night although it's only been a few times.

I don't really remember when we first started.

He's asked for the blog link, I declined, then for a photo, I said I was too uncomfy.

And that I understood that was most assuredly a deal breaker..

But No he surprised me and said he would wait.

Now tonight he said he wouldn't mind getting together for a coffee.

I didn't shoot that idea down, even though my stomach would be in knots.

I would agonise over my outfit. What if we didn't get along in person?

What if he's married or cruel or hates me on sight?

I have all these thoughts running around, not letting me sleep.

He thinks we'll stay in touch, if it doesn't work out and there's no connection.

But I tend to dismantle whatever was built up and walk away.

It's not going to feel the same knowing the sparkle has left us and floated away.

What if it does turn out swimmingly? He sees my photo and doesn't reject me?

Then my problem becomes, How do I let my guard down?

How do I trust and open up and learn to lean on someone..

Knowing that when I've done that previously it blows up in my face repeatedly.

I'm either told, Wait actually I'm just in it for sex, I'm married, I want you to be different/good enough so I can accept you.

Stop being so independent, tell me everything so I can judge you, approve or disapprove of your choices.

Don't you think you're milking being ill, surely you can do more.

Smile more, let's see you make an effort to be cheerful.

Devote your time to me unconditionally but at the same..

Don't you for one minute, think I'll do the same for you.

I need you, when I decide but the rest of the time, consider yourself useless and this friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship I can take or leave.

And that's just the emotional side of things.

The physical.. Well..

I'm safe online but offline, I'm ice cold. I don't know how to act normal.

A hug means something different to me.

It's facing danger. It's pretending I'm okay with what happens next.

The potential groping. The hands that wander while I die inside.

I can't move away fast enough. There was no warning.

I wasn't prepared. I am trapped in hell.

And all this is from just a simple embrace.

If I can't deal with that, how can I possibly deal with the rest of it?

And how do I tell someone I'm dating about my past?

Hey You Stranger, Well aside from being ill that will progressively gets worse..

I have self esteem issues, sometimes I'm ok and other times I don't like myself.

How do you casually slip it into a conversation? I had a traumatic childhood which resulted in losing all of my expression.

My walls that I've built up to armour myself are sky high, even I don't know how to dismantle them.

Also I don't like being touched.

Also I don't trust anyone but myself.

Also if something's up, good or bad, You won't be my first contact.

Because I always strive to help myself so that I look strong and capable.

And if it's something good, I don't feel I can rush to tell you because I'm always being made to feel unwanted.

A pest, a nuisance and undesirable presence.

Lastly to put it out there and be completely honest. I'm still reeling from being physically/emotionally hurt.

I don't know how to just forget or get over it. It's a big part of me.

That I don't want to talk about, with anyone!

So what do I do now? Go back to the shadows, where invisibility is my home?

It's safe, it's natural, it's just so much easier.

It's just no longer satisfying as I continue to evolve.

Still me, but now sharing all my scars and hoping to heal some day.

This blog is too much of an open heart, that's just to vulnerable, to let it be seen by someone I know.

A potential romantical interest, has no business knowing all of my anguished thoughts, they are private!

Ugh I need sleep.

Just to be clear in why I stayed around these people, some didn't say the above directly, I read between the lines.

I guess for the rest, I was hoping they would eventually like me for me, see my potential and accept me.

Or even put in the same effort as I did, rooting for it to work out, so they wouldn't lose me.

And then I would know for sure, somebody out there, cared about me, not because of what they could get out of me, but because I was worthy of it.

A strange update on H, we progressed to texting and he didn't mention phonecalls yet, so I let that slide.

But over the weekend while he was texting, I got a weird text from unknown number, that just said Lol.

That's not the start of a chat, that's the middle of one, I looked through my blocked contacts and didn't see that number anywhere.

I asked H, if he texted me from a new number and he said No. 

I can't help but wonder if he texted me accidentally and didn't want me to have his other number?

Or could it be a genuine wrong number text? Anyway let's cast that aside, I just blocked it because no other message came through explaining it.

On Friday we were both kinda messing around, winding each other up, no big deal, harmless fun.

But then I thought I would be extra wicked and just pretend to end it so I said the usual parting shot.

As he was saying Goodnight, I said Goodbye, have a nice life.

My usual breakup speech. As I had been kinda working up to that, I thought he would've said something funny in response.

Like...... You can have custody of the sofa but I get the cushions, I don't know lol, but he didn't say anything at all.

I figured Hey, maybe he didn't see it and is sleeping. Saturday comes around, still nothing.

I texted him in the afternoon and still nothing so either he assumes, I really wanted to part company or he's being equally evil and Monday will just say something like..

Were you worried? Did you regret leaving me etc.. I do find it weird he hasn't contacted me.

Does he really think I'm serious? We've been getting along pretty well.

 I do enjoy his company so far, he's got the mixture of joking and serious so it's kinda easy to be in any mood with him.

Plus he's usually the first to initiate texts. I've texted him twice with no response, I'm not doing a third.

I'm almost tempted to just randomly call and say Boo, but I got this odd feeling he wouldn't answer.

So the ball is in his court and if he can't take a joke or pretend rejection and doesn't want to hang out anymore, then so be it.

It all seems ridiculous to me. It's more to do with us speaking daily, whether or not we're both busy, that's what gets me.

Maybe he is just juggling a lot? Do I regret texting what I did? Nope because I'm a jokester, it's what I do, what is life without humour?

If on Monday, I have to scream Nextttt, then so be it. I will block and move on.

I did like him a fair bit though, this one is gonna sting for a bit. I mean if I really was trying to boot him, I wouldn't have texted him on Saturday.

Maybe he's trying to wind me up by playing hard to get or actually, I've just realised, maybe he's relieved.

I mean that would explain things. I'm just guessing, I've no clue but the only thing that makes sense, is that he prefers me out of his life.

He didn't object or chase me and I'm not pursuing someone that clearly isn't interested.

Or maybe he thinks I was going to badger him repeatedly, feed his ego to talk to me??? Hell no!

I just blocked him it's past 12pm and today, just seems like he was more inclined to get in touch, as he kept saying Monday morning we'll talk, I'll take the day off etc etc..

I can breathe now because I was just phone watching all weekend and all of today.

Driving myself crazy and I realise, that I was the one that started this and maybe without knowing, it was a test..

But the results are crystal clear, apathy. He's not bothered either way, even though it was a week of closeness because we did talk a lotttttt.

I think we got on fine, laughed a lot, shared a bit, we were sometimes silly, other times serious.

I'm going to miss him as he kept me interested. I wasn't bored at all and we barely gave each other space.

Which isn't healthy and I don't mind them being preoccupied but being ignored on purpose, I have a problem with that.

He could have easily said, I'm dealing with pressing matters, I'll be in touch next week.

Going from talking every day to silence, is just unnatural. I have to stop waffling on.

I just wanted to get him out of my system for good. I'm just not ready to say Goodbye though, even though I blocked him for my sanity.

It's horrible to look at the phone and wish it would pop up with a call or a message, from someone you actually want to hear from.

Then with a sinking feeling, you realise that's never going to happen again ugh :(

I should eat but I have no appetite and I'm cramping. You know what it is?

It's an unsatisfying conclusion, something that had potential or wasn't apparently ready to fizzle out yet..

But it did end prematurely, just on my part, not his. Oh Postie arrived with goodies..

I might be publishing late tomorrow, I'm going for a pedicure with Mama and I'm not sure if we're going for an early lunch too.

#BlogLife8833 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 17 - Bridget Jones 4

I was searching for something new to watch and up it popped, Bridget Jones 4, I wasn't sure what to expect.

I didn't see any spoilers or watch any trailers, I wanted to be surprised at the developments.

Hmm we gained Hugh/Daniel back and lost Darcy/Colin. I hate that.

There seem to be even less laughs than the third installment. She's still enduring judgemental dinners.

Still romanticising, every guy to be perfect for her. Why would you date someone that much younger?

Why would you rush it, knowing this is your first date in 4 years? She still isn't thinking anything through, will she ever grow up?

And flipping hell I wish she would fix her damn hair! She maybe digging the younger guy, half her age, but we all know she'll end up with the rule stickler, the teacher.

I kinda wish she would pick someone more free spirited, less uptight, less perfectish.

This is the worst film in the franchise to date. I don't recommend it, maybe it will get better.

I'm halfway through. So he just ghosted her? After saying I wish I had a time machine?

But I mean really, she is twice his age with 2 young kids, was it ever going to be serious? Noooooooooo!

Just block and move on! Does she ever learn? Trying an experimental lip serum?

Now she looks like a damn puffer fish! You're a Mama now, come on think!!

Not even the return of Hugh Grant could save this trainwreck. It was depressing, disappointing and a snooze fest.

Don't waste 2 hours of your life watching it. I don't know why, it just annoys me.

Maybe because I was looking for growth and maturity and it's just the same floundering.

I constantly feels like she's looking for a guy to save her instead of embracing a lil independence.

And with the men that were there, it just lacked chemistry. It was a film, I wanted to get lost in and feel warm and fuzzy.

Instead I raced through it, pleading for it to be over.

#BlogLife832 - Witchcraft - You owe owe owe

Well well well. I finally got another call from the Witch herself. She admitted this is dragging on from October and that as I'm not co-operating and not giving her the answers she wants, she's turning it over to be escalated.

I can only give her what I'm able too. The Paypal statements such as they are.

She's making out like I've told her to Get lost and I won't do anything she asks but it's the opposite.

I've wrecked my body in pain and exhaustion, trying to get everything she asks done, within the deadlines, while putting up with her abusive attitude.

I mean I've thought it but I've maintained civility and always been polite, not matter how rude and misleading she has been.

How she expects me to remember details of decades ago is beyond me, I barely recall what happened yesterday, let alone a lifetime ago.

Anyway this time, she didn't mention anything about blocking my Paypal account that she was threatening to do.

So maybe she doesn't have the authority to do it, like the Paypal representative told me.

It would be a relief to know I still have access to it, she didn't mention jail time, just a likelihood of there being a repayment action forthcoming, which I expected.

I just don't know the thousands of bankruptable amount that I will owe to them.

So thankfully I do not have to go to the flipping library and print out anymore 100's of printouts.

She said she'll send me a note for official permission, I mean she asked me for access to my bank accounts, past and present and I said Of course you have it.

I don't exactly have a choice and my suspicion is, as she drags this out for even longer..

At the end of this month it will be 5 months of harassment and threats and depression, to get answers that I've given time and time again, that she deems inadequate....

When in fact she knows facts and figures anyway, has probably already contacted the bank/paypal to get the answers she seeks.

But to torture me, she just keeps calling and calling and asking me impossible questions.

Such as Oh why did you even open up a Paypal account in the first place and how much was the balance at the time?

How the hell do I know???? It was decades ago, I was a teenager.

I didn't even know what Paypal was, I did it to use Ebay and stretch the savings, to cover my expenses, plus I'm ill, online shopping is essential.

Again she asked my Paypal balance and she remarked Oh it's climbed down, and I said yes I transferred some over to the current account as I don't want to be overdrawn, and the bills are climbing.

She seemed satisfied with that, which is the truth, the bills just seem like they are doubling.

The laptop is old, the microwave is old, the blankie is old, all these will need replacing at some point.

So she'll send me a letter, I'll sign and return it and then we'll see what other madness, interrogation, tiresome bs, she asks me to do next.

Oh and the other thing she keeps harping on about was when my ex brother reported me, he picked a random number 30k.

So she keeps mentioning that specific detail and I don't recall that much ever being in Paypal.

I'm just remembering something, when I was kicked out, my place wasn't ready, so I was living in a hotel.

I tried to find a place to rent but it was pricey so the hotel it was, while my savings depleted.

Then I think maybe a few weeks or months later when I moved in, I was billed for the previous tenant's expenses.

Energy, rent arrears, there was loads of costs, that was not my responsibility, that I had to account for.

At least the energy bills, I was refunded for because I had to put the wooden floors in, blinds, furniture, pay for labour and materials.

Pay Mama back because she covered my expenses while I was in hospital, I was still on crutches then.

I don't recall when I was released from hospital but the pain was still excruciating.

I was still struggling to walk and plagued by panic attacks.

I had to pay for cleaners. I think bailiffs actually knocked on the door and I explained I was the new tenant and they left.

Then I was paying the full rent amount, plus the other bills, water, taxis, phone, broadband, tax, tv, landline, groceries..

Eventually the inheritance over the years got used up. There's probably £6 left in total from the early 2000s and that's it.

I'm guessing all of that and more will vanish before or maybe during Easter, unless she fancies dragging it on until Christmas again.....

Who knows? Like I said, I just want peace to try and take care of myself while my functionality decreases and the pain intensifies and takes over my body.

Let her do what she wants 2019 bank searches until present day.

I just have no energy to be hounded anymore. All I've ever tried to do is look after myself and take care of anything Mama needs.

I'm not going to apologise anymore. Let her finish me off and take away any hopes of helping myself.

I'm ready for the worst possible outcome. Pure unfiltered stressiness.

I just want to get on with my life, such as it is, put this behind me and try my damndest to re-budget and afford all the necessities like food and bills.

Sometimes it just feels like life is slipping away from me. I'm trying my best to be tough and the pain is just moving around.

My bust has been hurting, last night my hand was in agony. I don't want to rely on anyone else to function, to use my hands, to walk around.

But the more I try to do anything for myself, the less I can manage it.

I'v got pains from doing nothing at all, the hand pain comes from doing what? Holding my phone? Moving the laptop?

It's not even exertion anymore, it's just routine things. Alright, enough, I've had my pity party, cleared my mind.

I'll just deal with the fallout. I'm going to eat and I have a chat date ar 2pm but before that..

I'll probably work on more posts. There will be a post on H, the new random, later on.

#LetterLife2 - Who likes Vampires?

I'm not a fan of the supernatural, ghosts, witches, vampires, the occult, I've written about this theme before.

It's not my cup of tea. I did enjoy the original show Charmed though, because of the relationship dynamic and the fact that I always wanted sisters.

Anyway what I actually mean by the title is, Who likes needy people?

Sounds a bit different now, doesn't it? Not as exciting as before. I've come across a great many of these in my life.

They latch on to me and instead of having a broader view of life and the world and exploring it.....

I'm the only focus of their attention. Now as an introvert, you might say, well aren't you like that?

Thank heavens No I'm not, I only relish small moments of time with people, the rest is exhausting to me.

Most of these people I've found are unhappy and dissatisfied but unwilling to change anything about their circumstances.

Instead it's me me me, text, text, call, call, message, message and always something to complain about or lash out about.

No, no, no, that becomes tedious and draining almost immediately.

But instead of doing something, starting with small changes, like finding a way to increase their social circle, get therapy, or find a real purpose for their existence, they cling on to anyone new that enters their life and whinge endlessly about how stuck they feel.

I quickly distance myself from this unhealthy alliance, it's not for me because in the end, before I cut them off for good and say Goodbye......

I impart some wisdom, the Truth Hurts comes in to play, maybe it will help, if they take it in and listen.

Probably not though but at least I tried before I ran screaming away for oxygen!

I can't remember the speech I give but it's probably like this..

Dear X Friend,

We need to have a lil talk, well actually, you just need to listen. I have tried my utmost best to be a good friend, be supportive but honest and it's not working out.

People come and go into our lives, that's normal but you cannot stick to them like glue and expect them to save you.

At some point you need to wake up and help yourself. I know this sounds harsh but it's for your own good.

I believe in tough love. Although I've not had therapy myself, I have worked damn hard to open up and explore my problems and heal myself.

You need to do the same because you're miserable and don't seem to have a purpose that brings you peace and joy.

We all need that. I know it's difficult to put yourself out there but you're not even attempting it.

Start small, you could go for daily walks, join some clubs, take up studying, further explore your interests and passions.

See what free activities are local or go to the Park or Galleries or anything that's available to you.

Do what I did, start volunteering and/or find a mentor in the field that you're hoping to break into.

Set yourself a daily goal, make it doable. Inspire yourself each day to be a better person.

Work out what makes you tick, what you can't live without doing?

For me it's simply writing, being a creator and even that took time but I kept trying and eventually it took.

It wasn't easy or straightforward, I was very frustrated and had no faith in myself but in the end, I knew it was important and I didn't give up.

I kept at it and it paid off. I urge you to do the same because in your current state of depression, you're driving people away.

No-one can fix you But you! Be brave and bold and surprise yourself by doing something about your situation, right now, start today.

And if you do it, forget about me or anyone else being proud that you stepped up..

You'll be immensely proud of yourself that you got up off the floor and changed for the better.

That's all I have to say, you've always known what to do, it's time to get on with it and if you can't manage it, then get assistance, get counselling or friends/family to aid you.

There is no shame in getting help if you need it. In fact it's courageous and commendable.

Goodbye and good luck.