#BlogLife976 - What do I want for Christmas? The gift of sight

The last major thing on my to do list was to make the Optician appointment and I finally did it.

They had sent me dozens of reminders but with injuries, the buses not running and general fatigue, I wasn't up to trekking.

It's on the same day as the UC phone appointment, that's in the morning at 10amish..

So I made this one for 2pm. I don't like afternoon appointments but it seemed the only day and earliest time available.

I suppose the good thing is, I can pick up pakoras and jalebis and fish and chips if I fancy it.

The only other things I need is probably, a pair of slippers, lip balm and definitely a moisturiser.

I could also get sandwiches or pasta from the big Tesco, she did warn me between 1pm-2pm they're closed for lunch, so don't arrive early, eeek.

My poor legs but if it means I can browse for a bit then get to rest, that should be fine.

It's better I pick up food and then have the appointment, finally order my missing contact lens, that will probably arrive in January...

I'm sure it's been 2 years with 1 contact lens, struggling to see, but it's harder and harder to get replacements now.

No spare glasses, no spare lens, ugh. At least the pedicure and brows are done, I can go straight home.

Although this is a prime time for Too Good To Go app purchases.

There is a bakery but I don't know if I'll be up to stopping and getting it.

It's from 2pm-3pm and costs £4 for a bag that's worth £12 plus it's highly rated.

Supposedly bread or pastries or both. I don't want white bread and I don't want pork or lamb or prawn sandwiches.

Actually they might not do sandwiches, if it's just dessert, it seems like a good deal.

I should do it, if that offer is still going, after I spend money, I get £3.50 free.

I will try to ignore the pain and backache and do it. It does seem the easiest one to get too.

I prefer Pret that does sandwiches but what if I get all pork?? It's so risky.

I tried out Iceland's Shanghai beef noodles £2.50, I didn't like it, smothered in sauce, quite salty.

2x bits of piece that was actually soft and tasty but the sauce ruined it, the noodles were fine too, I would not get that again.

I forgot I ordered the crispy beef and onion pancakes, I think I used to like them.

I've not tried the Iceland version. I think I bought the Findus brand previously.

Ooh they are tiny, 4 in a box for £1 and it's really tasty for a snack or as part of a meal.

Soft mince and I should have crisped it by cooking it longer than 10 minutes but I was famished.

Something different out of the normal purchases.

#BlogLife975 - My tongue is on fire

I don't think I'm going to vomit, I think the food will digest properly.

I finished the dinky spring rolls, I had to eat something to calm my mouth.

He said the raita wasn't spicy, yowser he lied, my face is on fire. It started off fine.

The bread, the naan is so soft, must be freshly made, there was shredded lettuce inside, no red cabbage boo, but at least no tomato.

It's kinda bland and tasty at the same time, needs more seasoning, next time, just mayo, yeesh.

Well that is one way to warm up... Actually I don't think I'll order more, I'm full.

He actually said do you want 1 or 2 kebabs and they are huge, I'm so glad I said one.

It's pretty big for the price and I guess worked out to £1/£2. Strange.

All I had later was the instant noodles Koka original chicken tasty.

I cooked it for 6 minutes and used a lot of water but that evaporated and I realised I would have preferred it more soupy, watery.

I just didn't have the energy to top it up but I'm glad I retried it. I think I've had it before, not sure, I try to use a lot of different brands.

A tip for anyone using binaural beats, I'm starting to find it doesn't always work well on a low volume.

It's mainly background noise and I might be playing music or asmr because the anti video in particular is creepy.

I associate it with horror films and as soon as I start feeling really sick, I stop munching, stop what I'm doing, raise the volume and try to relax.

That just seems to be more effective for me.

One last foodie review before I forgot again. I really enjoyed the softish sweets.

It wasn't sour as some comments said, half sweet, half not so sweet lol.

Fruity and a tiny burst of juice. Bebeto forest fruits, liquid gummies.

It was only £1 for a 130g bag, quite big and chunky and lots inside.

I would get that again. The McVitie Moments, I am not a fan of that range.

It just seems like diet biscuits, not very sweet, needs more sugar.

The cinnamon and spice flavour nice but too light. It's not tasty enough.

It's good value £1 for a 150g block but that's the only highlight. Rubbish.

#BlogLife974 - Brain trauma 20 years later

Although I still don't want to talk about what happened, when the dwp asks questions, it takes me back and I have to phone Mama for clarity because there is memory loss and my brain sought to protect me from all the pain, physical and mental.

I didn't think I was concussed or maybe I forgot but the paralysis was there and the inability to communicate.

That's all I can share. Even reliving it with Mama just now was completely debilitating. I want to run to a happy place but there isn't one.

I just want to get this started before I go back to the past and fill in details to a bully, who has everything she needs but keeps making me relive the most harrowing details of my life, floating between life and death.

It's done and there's nothing really to cushion the blow. I was barely able to function, living in a bed, grieving and fearing my family home, full of monsters.

Everything associated with that time is hazy. Tomorrow/today is the UC appointment.

I wonder how pissed he'll be, I only applied for one of the crappy jobs, that is not work from home and is about 1hr30-2hours travelling time, one way...

It kills me to travel 15 minutes. Does he care? Nopee. Oh I think the second avon cleanser is done.

It's hurting to squeeze out the last bit. How long did it last? The same thing, about 3 weeks, not great really.

This last one seems faintly scented, maybe like honey? I quite like how they make my skin feel.

But I don't like the general lack of smell and the fact they only last 3 weeks, not the usual month.

The mask seems good too, although my nose is still dry and peeling, the rest of my face is smooth.

A few bumps but not really acne as such. I don't really need to shop tomorrow but I should buy food to eat.

I might pop in to the cafe or Tesco, will see, sometimes I'm too empty.

Or maybe I will try the stall. I want to budget but how do you combat that against feeling lifeless and just needing to lie down?

Ok back home from a 10.45am appointment, he wasn't even there, was told I have to go upstairs and then when I refused..

Pfft wait to be seen then, maybe about 5ish minutes, not as bas as last time, she was fairly nice.

But then waited maybe 10-15minutes for the dreaded cv appointment, I had no knowledge of.

So she said send me the cv? How can I when it's home in the storage..

To be honest she was fairly cool, so nice in fact that I let slip I was a writer, ugh...

I keep that private, that's my baby, away from the chaos, she lit up and said add it in, no bloody way.

I didn't have time for Tesco, so popped to the stall where even though I told him multiple times the other side gave me spring rolls and add it to the bill.

The chicken naan wrap and those cost £4 it seemed like. I gave him £20 and got £15 or £16 back in change.

Aren't they supposed to be £3 each? Definitely for the spring rolls..

I don't care, my back is seizing, there was no seat coming or going.

I'm craving fries and a sandwich but Pret is out of the chicken baguette.

I'm gonna munch, wait til after 4pm when the crappy landlordy, gas person isn't lurking and order more because I'm sore.

I have things to do, check the post and empty the bins, the uc stuff but my back is aching as are my hands gripping onto the bus handle so tightly.

I've got the anti nausea on, I should have got a fizzy drink, my tum tum is calm, but this morning I was on the verge of vomiting.

I don't know why it's so strong at the moment. Ahh bliss, the next December UC appointment is a phone one and maybe the last of the year??

Probably not ha, wishful thinking and yes I posted the dwp letter.

Cripes, I have to set up the heating blankie too, it's freezing and it will help my back but I can't be bothered.

So what I've learned is, right now, movements are a no no. The pain is going to climb, until I rest.

Pity I'm not sleepy. This is the sucky thing and why I rely on takeout, I can't bloody move!!

There's more to ramble about but I can't think. I have to relax, game, watch foodie videos, eat and then do the rest of the burdensome responsibilities.

#BlogLife973 - Am I crazy yet?

Oof it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed as it's soo cold.

I texted P he should carry me to the thermostat ha. He programmes his via text.

There's probably a way to do that but if I tried, would probably mess up the boiler so not going to bother.

I forgot to mention this yesterday, I finally discovered where that original coffee/sandwich too good to go place is located.

The one with the shocking hygiene rating, it's just before the turn in to the market.

The strange thing with that place is, it's very highly rated but the risk of food poisoning is too great, plus too awkward to get too.

Also I don't know if I've lost it completely but the bakery that used to be next to the pedicure place has mysteriously moved across the street..

Why on earth would you do that? I was going to pop in because I needed desserts and snacks and suddenly it's not conveniently located.

It's not near the bus stop and is not near a crossing. I could walk a bit but it's not worth it.

Maybe they are expanding and that place is bigger? But there store seemed huge anyway..

Also it no longer looks like a bakery, more like a furniture store, perhaps they haven't fully switched over?

Very strange. No mention of a re-opening either. Or notice of a move?!

People are odd, wouldn't they just lose their customer base? I'd assume they had closed down, not relocated.

Today I thought I would get up, put the heating on and maybe fall back asleep.

It was on for hours and didn't make any difference, I was still freezing.

There's no point disturbing my sleep then, once I open my eyes, that's usually it, can't get back to sleep, unless it was a rough night.

I'm still feeling that morning sickiness but the binaural beats helps.

Eek I just got a big scare.The groceries were due from 10amish..

And I woke at 8ish but didn't get out of bed or put on my contact lens and then at 9am, loud buzzing.

It was Iceland, yeesh scared me. I had to quickly let them into the main door and then ask Who is it?

But when he answered, usually the same guy, he apologised and said running early, sorry to wake you.

Ugh my hair was sticking up. I hadn't brushed or washed my face, yuckity.

Weirdly enough he handed me some letters, why don't people re-post, like I do?

I'm sure there is one from the Witch. I got some new things to try so will do foodie reviews later.

I don't know why I was immaturely ignoring my post. I think I said to myself, enough is enough, sick of being harassed.

But it's the government, can't exactly say stop bullying me. They will do what they like.

It's too early to munch but there are some new foodie videos to watch from Kbd and Greeno Eats.

The Gary Eats channel has formed a new collaboration. I think he got bored of solo reviews and teamed up.

He couldn't abandon his original channel as it's so popular, he claims that he was going to stop altogether because he's mature and it's too much....

I think that's a lie because he's given himself more work, hosting two channels...

That makes no sense. My fear, he wants to slowly kill off the orginal channel and get everyone to migrate over.

It doesn't have the same magic or cosiness to me. I've seen some of the new stuff but it doesn't seem as appealing.

If he was gonna to work with anyone, I would have preferred it was Greeno.

But it's his life and he can do whatever he likes to feel lighter and fulfilled.

I cleaned the laptop over the weekend, there was nonstop flies, even more so than in summer, very irritating.

I promised myself as soon as Monday came I would open the letters so that's what I will do.

Plus I didn't realise the idiot UC advisor, instead of giving me the usual fortnight appointment, as the last one was last week.

He's given me one for tomorrow, I have to hustle and do the specified applications and somehow upload it.

Also the bloody landlord gas thing has said Oh are you free tomorrow?

Noooo, I'm busy, yeesh, well I've read the letter and it's more DWP questions so I will answer as best as I can.

I don't think I need to send anymore statements. The theory is right that they have the information and answers but just want to continue harassing me.

It just keeps saying the decision maker, needs more details but they know everything, so why keep asking?

Maybe it's a good thing I'm out tomorrow, I won't have to specifically go out for one thing, I can multi task.

I'll post it tomorrow. Gosh that took ages and he didn't even give me the upload link, what a twit.

Only one was available the other was filled, oops. I'm shattered.

It's 3pm and only now I have time to eat, except no real appetite.

But I need to munch, I'm frozen. I don't know if the boiler is fritzing again.

I've had it on all day and it is working but it just seems low and it's the same with the blankie.

Both are really high, I'm shivering. Anyway, I'm heating up some pasta bolognese.

I can't be bothered to do the toasties. Almost everything is done, just need to fill in the form.

Again apologies for the irregular posting but I just can't seem to get my head right.

The more I push myself to write, the harder it becomes until my brain goes on strike and evaporates.

Next month will be the advents, there is very lil time as it is.

The microwave just pinged, time to munchy..

#BlogLife972 - Beautilicious

I am frozen still waiting for the heating to kick back on and the blankie.

Had the idiotic UC appointment and maybe he assumed I had seen the specialist cv person as he said Oh yea your cv is fine, such bs.

I knew there was nothing wrong with it, proof they spout nonsense to give you pointless things to do.

Then he said, prove that you're applying by uploading applications, that's easy enough but suddenly my word isn't good enough and all the journal uploads I do.

Can't wait for the Christmas break next month. I was in a weird mood, the lil Tesco is back open but I had no appetite for anything so didn't bother.

Then decided to punish my body and walked down to get the £8 eyebrow shape, felt so much better after.

Then I walked even further and just went ahead to go and get the pedicure, 2x massages, scrub and cream, the chair massage was great actually.

By that time, my whole body was in a state of seizing up and tiredness.

But it needed to be done and because time was getting on, I didn't bother get the fish and chips or the pakoras or gulabs, jalebis or ladoos.

I knew even though my body was doing well to control the pain, it was gonna hit me..

I was unlucky with not getting a seat on the buses, so that didn't help.

Suddenly waves of dizziness and nausea were hitting me, felt better when I got home, had water, kept playing the anti nausea and I'm recovered somewhat now.

I got kfc because I was empty and walking was hurting too badly.

I can't stop yawning but it's way too early to sleep. I took my makeup off but might wash my face again before bed incase the makeup is still lingering.

I'm coming up to BlogLife 1k which is quite an achievement for me.

I should do something special for that. I don't have the energy to think right now.

Music definitely helped me today, kept my spirits up. I had some triggers that could have caused a panic attack.

But I managed to keep calm.

What could I do? A Q&A? A new story? I should be original...

I have no clue. I guess it still surprises me that people around the world are still invested about hearing about my life.

I'm very ordinary and if I didn't come up with BookLife and BlogLife and AgonyLife, this blog would have ceased to continue.

I just felt empty, not creative and inspired. I was grasping for something to hit me.

I'll try to make it special. I can't say if it will be this year or next. I have too much on my mind..

#BlogLife971 - Nothing more to me, Gamer/Writer is all

Ok, turns out I was slightly peckish. I grabbed the chicken tzatziki one with olives, tomato (yuckity), feta cheese and luckily it was in 2 halves and very pricey at £5 something..

But actually, it's delicious, it all works well together and I don't even like chicken and cheese together, except on pizza.

Or sometimes lightly spread on a sandwich. Anyway I picked out the tomato and would actually highly recommend it, the sauce plays well too.

I think this is the first time seeing olives in a sandwich, I used to add them at home to salads and sandwiches and wraps for extra flavour.

It's probably discontinued but my favourite sandwich from Sainsbury was lemon chicken, so rare but so good.

Quick add on, the southern fried chicken wrap was ok, had coleslaw inside it, I wouldn't get that again.

There was limited meal deals but mostly sold out. I forgot to get cake, I might try Asda next time, when I'm in a bind for groceries.

Think I prefer zoomy for the value. This is the second time using the new Avon mask, spreads ok, feels tight on the face.

I can't remember how my skin feels afterwards. I thought being hormonal I would break out more..

I think the mask is helping with the acne, I don't think I have any. Aside from my nose which is dry and peeling, the rest of my face is smooth.

I tried the bang bang chicken with rice, found it a bit dry and dull, I would not get that again.

I've been wanting to try some tandoori chicken strips that have been in Iceland but they haven't been in stock until now.

Maybe they will arrive or be sold out. Sorry I haven't been blogging, just haven't been inspired at all.

I'm living in my head cycling through the same imaginary story with different twists that I'm not transferring onto a page.

I got into a new game that is really addictive Word Associations, I wasn't sure I would like it.

But it's surprisingly challenging. They throw rows of words and you have guess and list them as to what they have in common.

Sometimes they merge into a picture and then it's hard to remember what the picture represents.

To be honest, I've used the hint a lot, you have to watch an advert.

Some do not make sense to me and some words I have to googly because I've never heard of them but it's interesting and simple and I like wordy stuff :)

The tandoori strips are nice good flavour, I'm not sure if it's quite tandoori but tasty enough, probably just needs a lil dip with it.

I've got the UC appointment tomorrow and immaturely been avoiding checking the post.

If he is there tomorrow I wonder if he will give me a new cv appointment? Twit!

I'm trying to watch more of the Passionflix films, some are not spicy but interesting romcoms.

I just saw The Will that was good, not as depressing as I thought and a fun pairing.

Not spicy but interesting.

#BlogLife970 - Playtime app uninstall

I had a look and saw some new things to try, so ordered them for tomorrow.

Pizza chicken wedges, whatever those are. 10x £2.50, salt and pepper chicken wings £3.75.

Bang bang thai chicken with rice £4.25 and peri peri chicken stir fry £4.

Baileys has a whole range of things. Ugh I keep cramping. I started monthly so not surprised I feel delicate.

I finally got the £20 on Playtime, then tried to cashout, they want a photo to verify I'm human, no way, these apps are collecting lots of private information.

I'm uninstalling, irritating advert games with lil playability anyway. I left my appalled review and probably will eventually try another app maybe..

The chicken wedge thingys weren't potato, just triangle breaded chicken, nice enough, not sure I would get it again.

Ugh at the weekend I got this £10 off grocery shop on Just Eat, one day only and I thought, pfft, I don't need anything.

I assumed yea yea fully stocked up on sanitary towels, checked the cupboards, I had only 2 half packs, yeesh.

Considering there's only 9 per pack and I'm heavy, needed to stock up asap.

Thought I would try Sainsbury's on Just Eat, as they had no minimum order and surprisingly were rated 5 stars which is unheard of with grocery places.

I can see why now, he came in 17 minutes, didn't get lost, didn't call for directions.

The delivery fee was 50p, service charge £2 pfft, pricey but I think the quote was higher maybe £2 extra.

My stuff was light, 3x pads, a southern fried chicken wrap and a chicken tzatziki one, unusual.

I have no appetite so that will be for later or tomorrow. It's a pity they didn't have a cheap tissue box, they were expensive.

And I was tempted by the chicken katsu sushi but didn't bother. I was more in the mood for avocado something..

Asda had butter chicken samosas but a lower rating overall.

Oh you know what's interesting, Sainsbury had the festive chicken too but all theirs had pork, tsk tut.

The neighbours decided to bother me again, at 9.30pmish, knocking on my door....

Who does that?? I just ignored the creepy person, they steal my post, park their bikes, block my path and then what...?

You want a favour? Buzzing my door at all hours of the day and night??

Sod off!!! 

I could have done with a lot more sleep but I figured incase the landlord is lurking, I will just order early and avoid them.

Worked a treat. I'll share more foodie reviews when I try things out.

I finally checked 7 Cups volunteer site because I think it said I had messages and even though, I'm not in the mood for people.

I also don't like ignoring anyone either. It's hard putting my needs first but it's beneficial.

2 of my acquaintances had been wanting to check up on me and I don't want to stress them so I added a lil update.

Then I wrote something to release the tension, a vague explanation of sorts.

I can't go into details but at least I can say Yea, not feeling great, highly stressed and worried about my health.

I also added that I don't want to talk or explain myself and that when I'm delicate, particularly pain wise, I retreat and hide away from further exploitations.

At least they can see where my head it at, not personal and I think I tagged them both just to reassure them.

I mean I don't really feel ok, I can't say that I'm good but I'm doing what I can.

I had one membered that had messaged me, eek, poor thing so I apologised and said I wasn't taking any chats at present and referred them on.

I mean it all feels selfish still but I have a right to take care of myself.

The pedicure and optician appointment and brows are definitely off the table for now.

Those might not happen until next year. Oh well.

#BlogLife969 - I must be more productive..

I was hoping for a lot more sleep, I think I kept waking up again, but chunks of rest is at least something.

I'm craving cheesy gooey toasties, I might add marmite to it. It's freezing so waiting for the heating to kick in, plus got to unwrap and switch on the blankie.

I got to fully unpack the bag Mama handed over, or should I wait for Christmas?

I already spotted cheetos and Hershey's kisses. Oh my goodness, when we used to holiday in Iceland with family, that's where we discovered them.

And everytime relatives would visit they would bring some, I thought it was native to Iceland and who knew there were different flavours?

For anyone unfamiliar, it's a lil chocolate in the shape of erm, half an hourglass, or a lil mountain or a lil bottle lol.

I don't know which version she bought me, hopefully one with nuts but I haven't had them, since I was a youngster.

I wonder if these will be proper cheetos, crunchy crisps, our UK version is a lot softer, more like wotsits.

No UC cv appointment, so it must be next week, I hope he forgets to book it, I'm shattered.

I still got loads of pakoras left, oilier and not as crunchy, but totally delicious and fresh.

For some reason this time the dip was spicier, I prefer it mild.

Oh I tried the teriyaki itsu bao buns, quite bland actually. I was expecting better seasoning.

I would not get that again, I'm curious about the soup dumplings but I've never seen the chicken ones in stock.

2 minutes cooking time wasn't enough, 4 minutes was better. I'm quite stuffed from the toasties.

I tried the Hershey's kisses, lovely chocolately taste, plain but still good.

The cheetos are magnificent, these are all childhood favourites from when we vacationed abroad, so it reminds me of my younger days, munching these different flavours.

I put an image on Twitter, I might upload more, there's an envelope, which I will save for Christmas.

Plus other stuff I'll let you know about later. At least my stomach has stopped flip-flopping, I don't think I'll be sick like yesterday.

I'll try to drink more today. Nope the food stayed down, I'm incredibly bloated but famished and thirsty but I think sipping the ice water helped.

Plus I had a pepsi, I ran out of cold water so had that, I think it helped my tum anyway.

I keep saying I'll find a way to put the stress and illness aside and yet I can't seem to compartmentalise it.

It's just always there. The only time I seem to relax is when I'm gaming or there's a uniquely entertaining random.

What will it take for me to write more, finish the stories and be consistent?

I have no idea. I just feel overwhelming trapped in a type of confinement, where I'm locked in place and not free to be creative.

If I escape to la la land, is that embracing insanity or is protecting myself from other people's harming nature?

So in la la land. I'm married and the guy has all the responsibilities on his shoulders, not mine.

There's noone haunting me, in dreamland or when I'm awake.

I'm left to my devices, to write or not too write.

There's a calm quietness but it's not eerie. I don't jump out of my skin when the phone rings or when the doorbell goes.

I guess it would mean, I'm in a safe environment. I'm accepted for who I am, nobody is asking me to change or be more than I'm capable.

And I have my freedom back and my mind, it's no longer held hostage.

It's a much nicer place to dwell, I feel serene even writing it.

I guess the pressure is finally off. Love or something akin to it, has healed me or maybe I healed myself?!

I wonder if this feeling will last until tomorrow..?

#BlogLife968 - I don't fancy You

Song of the day - Bobby Brown - On Our Own

I picked this song, probably had it before because I was tiredly strutting past builders try to get energised, cool funky soon, made it home because of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZpr4qQzeI0

Before I forget, had a tiny bite of that iced chocolate fudge cake, holy moly..

Very dense, sweet but not sickly, intense flavour of fudge and chocolate, not in the mood for pudding but had to try it, divine and soft, absolutely no dryness.

I had the sandwich and still hungry but not enough to get up, not sure whether to go for pasta or the dumplings or the bao??

Decisions, decisions, only the teriyaki bao is new for me, I wonder if I'll like it?

Feels like ages since I've done reviews, it's fun trying new things, even if sometimes it doesn't live up to the hype..

The biscuits remind me of nairn, like a dry oatcake, but nairn is way tastier and cheaper.

I did try to cook a lil teriyaki bao but I left it in the oven too long and it hardened, my fault so not much flavour.

2x minutes is probably the sweet spot, they say 1 minute but prefer to give extra time.

I don't know if the lil Tesco will have it but I saw a chicken and trimmings sandwich, no pork..

And chicken tikka samosas so those would be fun, there's a mango chicken and a pesto one too..

I think it's just struggling with the pain and energy, when I get in, I want to unwrap something and relax, not stand there waiting for something to heat up.

I try to play loud party music and get myself energised but 5 minutes away, just feels like a huge path to trek too.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that's what it is, when you're sick you're sick.

Least I don't have to wash my hair tomorrow. I should go for the pedicure or get my brows done finally but the distance away keeps putting me off.

Oh Too Good Too Go app, says after my next purchase, I'll get £3.50 to spend on an order.

So essentially, will have gotten my money back after all. I have to pick a day, I'm well rested and the back, legs and feet aren't hurting.

Tomorrow lunchtime meeting Mama. Oh I think there meal deal is around £4ish, drink, snack and sandwich.

Maybe I'll get a wrap. Ok just got home, ugh now that the roads are finally open, Tesco is closed.

So annoying I wanted to browse and have fun, looking at what is new.

I wonder when they will re-open, it's all taped up and restricted for some reason.

I don't know if there was an incident or road works or what.

Anyway meeting Mama was actually fun, neither of us were hungry, my tummy won't stop churning.

So we sat and talked and she's getting the heating discount too.

She said she tried a Greek restaurant but they were quite rude regarding the Too Good To Go app, she wouldn't go there again.

No one is forcing you to advertise on the app, you tits! No reason to be disrespectful.

I don't know if eating will make me feel better or vomit. Even a fizzy appletiser didn't help, though I left most of it.

Mama didn't get the pakoras at the rude place we normally visit, they had issues, but she said near Sainsbury's is a good alternative, although it's far.

Plus I told her about the food truck and she was so happy she loaded up for us ha.

I offered money but she said she didn't want or need it. The food smells so good.

I wish I could nap but got the UC stuff to do. I wasn't sure if I wanted pakoras, holy moly it's tasty.

I better get a drink and keep sipping, while I play anti nausea in the background.

I don't know if I'll blog tomorrow, I feel depleted and so sickly. I can't wait to wash off the makeup.

Oh one of the randoms was behaving really rudely, I don't know if it's the same one I added to discord.

I'm in no mood for it. He was saying, be careful other women want me, like stay on your toes, I know you really like me.

See I can't stand arrogance and deep insecurity, unless you add humour to it, like I do.

I replied she/they could have him, I have moved on and he just carried on, like, no you like me too much.

To say something like that, you have to be really sure of yourself, really read the other person and know that they are hooked.

I can take or leave randoms, so I blocked him. When it's not fun anymore and your ego is up your arse, you're dismissed.

Next........!

#BlogLife967 - On to the next one..

Well the last of the Avon cream cleanser squirted out over the brush, how long did that last?

Hmm only 3 weeks, not good value, my usuals last longer than that and with no scent, I wouldn't get it again.

It did leave my face moisturised and smooth but so do other products which are a lot cheaper and larger.

I'll let you know the next one I use next tomorrow or whenever this goes up..

I opted for the blemish one, at second sniff it smelled like berries and I thought ooh, finally a fragrance.

But alas no, the reality of it was glue, a yucky glue smell.

Ugh but surprisingly it was a cream cleanser, I was expecting a gel one one somehow.

I'm not concerned, my skin is loving the lightness.

Plus it's winter, so extra hydration is never a bad thing.

I'm almost tempted to open the papaya surely that has a beautiful perfume to it.

I doubt it though.

Yesterday yeesh burned my eyes with the contact lens cleaner, youchy. 

Today I slept so badly, the binmen woke me up, they came at 5am yeesh.

I took a stand or rather a seat. As all the lower level seats were taken, I sat on the elderly/disabled seat, on the bus.

I usually don't, but I am shattered and having fun blogging on the bus actually. 

Nobody needed it so that was cool. Not sure if I got any dirty looks, haven't looked up but my face has been going through all the emotions. 

Anyway I'm not important enough to be observed.

Hmm 10 mins to spare, should I go to Tesco?? I didn't want to risk being late so didn't bother.

Ugh the advisor said, make the font on the cv larger, it's bloody tiny as it is, to fit it on 2 pages.

Then he goes add the end dates, who can remember that far back.

Then he said Oh come back later for yet another cv professional ffs or return Thursday, the swine.

So nauseated, tired I opted for Thursday, I don't know if it's this week or next, I'm shattered.

I'm not gonna touch it, they can sort it.

I didn't go to get the samosas, popped in briefly to the international store and picked up this chocolate fudge cake slab for £2.50 it's huge.

By the brand Four Lakes, I think I've tried their lemon loaf, coffee cake and maybe one other, I'm not sure, delicious though.

I also saw Rubicon sparkling passionfruit drink, normally I see orange but that was the only thing there that appealed, actually pretty nice.

Now I'm home and my back is aching, I did a mini Zoom shop. I got the fiver lunch deal.

There was a 3x meal deal for a tenner. Plus some date, plum and hazelnut biccies for £3 ouch.

Lastly I got the Itsu teriyaki 8 chicken bao buns to try £4.25 and the 12x regular chicken gyoza £4.60.

I just wanted snack foods, nothing taxing. Mama texted to say she would come to my place and hand over the stuff.

But I feel that's too cruel and inconvenient to travel all that way to me, and as shattered as I will be tomorrow, I said would meet her in the market.

Crikey if I have to head out Thursday, 3 days in a row, I will be dead on my feet.

Tomorrow or Thursday I'll try to make it to Tesco so I'm not tempted to order more food.

I'll see, I'm thoroughly drained. I'm actually curious if Tesco has any new speciality items, during Christmas which isn't here, they normally do.

I didn't ask Mama to get me anything tomorrow, if I pop in Tesco, I'll get her a drink and see what the veggy options are.

She hasn't told me what time we are meeting, will probably leave it until the last minute, I feel irritated already.

I wish I was tired enough to sleep, I guess I can't anymore, the zoom stuff is due.

I'll put up foodie reviews, either this week or whenever I have the energy and inspiration to share.

One last thing I haven't needed to charge the face brush yet. Oh crap I was going to use the old one as a body scrub and forgot.

#BlogLife966 - I let him have it

Hmm, I just blew up at P. I feel like I'm all over the place with stress and pmt symptoms and the rest..

P is most chatty when we flirt. He never initiates a phone call any other time, to say Hi, How are you doing?

It's never a thought of let me call her during the day, maybe lunchtime, surprise her.

I've had others do that for a routine chat, despite being busy.

Sometimes I think he's all about his needs. Anyway I realised I felt tired early and he calls out of the blue..

It just vexed me so much and then he says what he always does, Oh it can be normal..

So this time I lost it and said No, consider chats off the table.

It's what pisses me off about you. You never want a phone chat any other time to catch up.

He hasn't responded and he can call it a normal chat but then he always, always flirts after a while.

We aren't an item, just acquaintances but damn I still want someone to be concerned, check up on me.

Say they missed me, wanted to hear about any updates..

It'll be interesting to hear what excuse he makes tomorrow..

It reinforces the belief, nobody cares. It's me, myself and I.

We don't argue so how will he handle confrontation? Today, still nothing.

Over text he is more inquisitiveness, asking me about my day. I can't fault him for that.

I think the other thing which put me off, was him asking, Do you like the idea of me coming to your place??

No, no, no! He knows I have trust issues. Why would you even say that to me?

If he didn't make me feel as though I ran a flirty hotline, he could have call privileges returned but he does.

My tastes have changed again, I'm going off fish, which I love and craving more beef.

I wanted it to be the other way around but I can't force myself to eat cod and salmon when it doesn't appeal.

I'm still not volunteering for the moment, I miss the acquaintances I made but I just feel stressed and there's aggravated pain which is constant.

I'm not working on the stories either, I just can't seem to fix my brain and make it function.

P eventually apologised and what makes me laugh is that he's not remotely flirty now ha.

He doesn't get where I'm coming from at all and I can't explain it anymore clearer.

I don't mind over familiarity but treat me like a person, not an object. I do have feelings.

Oh there's another store added on the Too Good To Go app but it's a late night wine and grocery place, maybe 10 or 15minutes walk.

Which I used to go too, more when I first moved in for snacks or top ups before the days of Ocado Zoom.

But it's too far for me, just the process of emptying the bins, the other day, completely zapped me of all energy, I was fine before that.

I keep worrying about losing my independence and not being able to do things because not a single soul I know, who is reliable or helpful.

I just have to keep figuring things out, keep struggling, keep trying to keep my head up..

While I physically and emotionally decline.

Tomorrow is the UC appointment, I hope I get a good nights sleep and am able to pop into that mini Tesco and pick up lunch.

I'm not sure I will bother with anywhere else, apart from to get some samosas or the wrap..

#BlogLife965 - Confrontations

Mama texted last night and she wants to meet to hand over Christmassy stuff maybe? I'm not sure.

I wasn't ready for it but this week or next will see how it goes. I told her about the Too Good To Go app...

Oops already mentioned it to her, she downloaded it but hardly anything nearby, she said a bus ride away was something.

I'm surprised I thought there would have been more and as there is a supermarket nearby, it would have been handy but nope.

There are places sorta locally but awkward to get too, still trying to figure the exact locations, very vague.

Plus the times are late, more for drivers than mere pedestrians, unless you like wandering out after 10pm..

Stranger still, I just checked my email and thought the gas/electric company wanted a meter reading but no..

I'm getting credit added to my account, 2/3 months worth because it's winter and somehow I qualify.

Wait a minute, it said electricity, not gas, but the combi boiler is gas, that warms the house, how can it be electricity only?

I swear, nobody makes sense to me. Baffling but to save money is a good thing and I'm grateful because I need the heating on daily.

The blankie is temperamental, off, on, low, low, super high.

I'm still worried about all the bus diversions and getting stranded.

I dunno if Mama wants to do just a meet, pedicures or lunch, we shall see, I'm not stressing about that anymore.

Before the year is out, I'll do my brows, get a pedicure and book the optician appointment, to finally get the right or left contact lens.

There's fireworks for the past few days, I think it's a holiday of sorts.

Oh yea, I was trying to find the location of the sandwich kiosk place that I wasted the couple pounds on for the Too Good Too Go bag and their hygiene rating is really low.

Maybe it was better that I didn't collect my food. At least the mainstream places are better rated.

I hope more supermarkets catch on and offer the service. If Mama's Lidl did it, she would save so much.

If my lil Tesco did it, that would be really handy. Anyway I will see how I feel and make do.

Perhaps I'll grab sandwiches from the cafe, although it's hit and miss in there..

I did get around to half plucking the left eye, but then I got distracted.

Another thing I noted from the face brush, it's a lil rough with the skin, I thought it would be a lil milder.

It's not bad, just unexpected. The other thing is, with more power and I could use the gentler setting but I don't like it, I want a powerful spin to work my face over and get a deep cleanse..

It uses a lot more product, it really evaporates fast I feel. I think soon the other face mask and this current face wash will be finished..

Good job I stocked up, the nivea moisturiser is finishing too, I need to get a new one.

I went ahead and uninstalled Klondike farming game, only because there is a similar one on Playtime, that will earn money.

It's better to focus on that, Phase 10 rummy and Monopoly Go have maxed out the rewards so useless but fun.

#BlogLife964 - Surprise

There's not many perks with my bank, they offer a rewards scheme for places I don't visit.

But I forgot that for once they did an Iceland cashback thingy and I use that regularly so got back £11.

I think I had a few quid in there and I could have chosen an Amazon voucher but trying to be practical so just added it to my balance.

If they had Just Eat, I would have gone for it. I just did an Iceland shop and to stretch it out, thought I'd add a twist to the sandwiches/burgers.

I was going to get the turkey bacon rashers but what was cheaper was the turkey ham slices, so I'm going to add that to the chicken or beef burgers so I don't get bored of eating the same thing.

I always feel better double checking there's definitely no pork inside it.

For once I have a condiment, so the mustard should pair nicely with it, might add cheese too.

I should have got some olives and maybe egg mayonnaise to vary the fillings even more.

But a big chunk of the budget went on kitchen rolls, buy 2 get 1 free.

Expensive but it lasts and is durable for my hands. The Playtime app I will leave until it gets to £20 and maybe give Mama an Amazon voucher for Christmas.

I'm not sure what I'll get her or I could redeem it and do the usual personal hamper full of treats for her.

I downloaded 5 games but I mainly play monopoly go and phase 10 rummy.

The rest get dull really quickly. Oh I discovered a new period drama that looks fun called The Forsytes.

It seems to be kinda identical to The Forsyth Saga I think it was called, a really old show I watched recently.

I wonder if it will end in tragedy? I enjoy it, no real spice but can't have everything and it has a narrator like Bridgerton too ha, copycats.

I was a bit gutted, Iceland seemed to not deliver the wholemeal rolls for the sandwiches but then I found a pack, turns out they substituted it, so that's a blessing.

I'm still getting the neighbour's post, getting indoors and then realising I have to go back out to re-deliver, some of the neighbours are just disgusting, instead of re-posting it, they just drop it on the floor.

Heinous creatures, I'm glad I'm not like that.

I saw some different vegan sausage rolls to try by the No Meat Company £1.75 for a 2 pack.

I wonder how it will compare to Linda McCartney, Greggs and Quorn.

Quorn might be my favourite. I've been buying and loving vegan options of these since I was a teenager and preferring them over pork.

The limited edition turkey one was excellent though. I'll probably try it this weekend when I want a snack.

I wonder if turkey ham will taste the same as the turkey bacon rasher?

So the turkey ham packs a wallop, very turkey, no fake ham flavour, nice but rashers are less pronounced so better.

I would not get it again, I need something other than overwhelming turkey.

I thought the turkey ham, mustard, cheese thing would go better but it didn't, it suited the chicken more, strange.

Actually I'm not keen on it at all. I finally finished the scented body butter so now onto the lemon.

I can't get over the disgusting smell, seems ok, thick enough, my elbows are cracking as usual.

#BlogLife963 - Quietness

I know I'm supposed to be a chatty blogger but it's difficult at present, there's too many things swirling in my mind, so I've retreated.

The landlord's bugging me about this boiler non mandatory appointment, they say reach out only if you're free and yet bombard you anyway.

If I don't need to have male strangers in my home I won't volunteer and what if there is a creepy bunch of them??

No thank you!!

I wanted to do a grocery shop for tomorrow but as they are lurking aggressively unannounced I'll save it for the weekend, usually they don't come around then.

I could agree and get it over with but I'm not feeling charitable, I feel tender and vulnerable.

Not in the mood to be around people. 

My hands/arm and shoulder keeps being restrained. That's why I don't want to type.

I'm struggling doing things like stretching or holding things and saying Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I can deal with the emotional stresses but the physical aches take their toll on me.

It just feels like I'll never be normal and have a pain free day. It's almost 2pm and I should eat.

At least Looney Tunes is starting the new event soon, that's just a relaxing highlight.

Once I start blogging, I don't usually like to take a break, until I'm done.

Things with Mama are still strained. I think I'm just angry with her and tired of letting her off the hook.

What I can't seem to shake is the fact that the siblings and both my parents got away with mistreating me constantly.

It's the fact that she let the siblings torture me and never sat them down and made them accountable or punished them.

Her retribution was solely directed at me. You should know better, it's your duty to forgive, this is on you, blame, blame, blame.

I'm hard enough on myself as it is but growing older is making me reflect.

Before I was too scared to speak and now it's built up internally.

Their behaviour isn't right. I don't know what to do with these feelings as talking to her, isn't satisfying.

There is no closure because she won't admit fault. It's like she'll hear me and then carry on doing the same thing.

What is the point? How do I get over it or come to terms with the horrors of my past?

I forgot I had another noodle pot of the fuel snacks. This time was the chicken, as the cupboards are mostly bare, reluctantly tried it.

Not good either, dry and powdery is the taste. I do not recommend them at all, worst noodles I've tried.

#BlogLife962 - Avon fest beginneth..

As of the 13th (Monday night), I finished the Neutrogena face wash and now to chose which Avon face wash to try..

Between Anew gentle cream cleanser (£4.95) or Clearskin supercharge cleanser (£4.28) or Skin Glow vitamin c and papaya extract.. (£5.40)

Then eventually when my mask finishes.. Clearskin blemish clearing clay mask (£2.93).

I wonder if they are all unscented. I hope not. I'm going for the Anew cream cleanser as my forehead and nose are a lil dry.

Tomorrow I'll let you know what I think. Hmm sadly the Anew cream doesn't have a smell.

No invigorating the senses. It's a thin cream and feels light so that's positive. It doesn't foam on the brush.

My skin feels soft, no more greasiness. Tonight I'll try to remember to use it with the face brush.

Now I'm trying the Namdong chicken noodle pot. The beef Fuel10k protein is awful, it doesn't blend well, I'm avoiding that brand.

Oh it did have a chilli sachet included but I binned it, not into that.

It smells nice and didn't need extra water, I did it for 5 minutes. This is my favourite, like sweet chilli or sweet and sour.

Delicious and for once tastes chickeny, with a small hint of spice, yum.

I got back from the UC appointment a while ago, ugh my back is killing me for some reason.

I felt like I got a broken up hour's sleep altogether. I woke up, my eye's were burning so reset the alarm for 30 minutes, slept and felt a bit better weirdly.

I wasn't running early and not sure I had the energy anyway to go to Tesco for sandwiches so skipped it.

My advisor wasn't there so I was glad and no yucky referrals to anywhere.

I picked up the chicken samosas, not bad, 5x £3. The raita is lovely and mild and goes well dipping into it, mint, cucumber and yoghurt and whatever else, lovely.

But I got KFC too, because my lovely local cafe is gone and Pret didn't have the chicken baguette.

Actually I realised I fancied fries and for once KFC did it fresh so samosas and a burger leftover for later.

The landlord's doing this boiler audit thingy tomorrow, Monday/Tuesday but I don't think it's mandatory.

I just ignored it, let them roam around checking someone else's boiler, I'm shattered.

If I ever warm up, I can do the heated shiatsu massager on my back later, it's throbbing a lot.

I also forget that I barely sleep before a meeting, I just assume loud party music will perk me up.

I did pop into that international store, I fancied nutty chocolate but they weren't on offer so I declined and just got some cookies and a Vimto.

I finally remembered to get some minty tictacs, no weird flavoured ones, in case I'm feeling sicky, which I was this morning.

Still no monthly, will I be skipping 2 months? That would be heaven.

Oh and as usual I forgot to pluck my brows, I really did intend too but slipped my mind.

I don't know how much I'll be blogging at present. I'm just not feeling good.

Taking off the pressure by not volunteering and not writing felt really beneficial to me.

Why don't I feel sleepy? This is an ideal time to nap, I think the pain is too strong.