#BlogLife909 - Awol postponement/Exploiting kindness

Originally I was leaving at the end of the month, then it was this week, now it's next month.

Her son is spitefully insisting he visit, this or next week so me and Mama don't get to spend our birthdays together.

Most of me doesn't give a crap and the rest is a smidgen disappointed.

How do I know it's on purpose? She let slip, fares are expensive so he's making less trips, but yet has insisted on visiting in July and August? Why???

Well we alllll know why, evilness.

I'm used to being the lowest priority, nobody really goes to bat for me, so it's fine.

I don't celebrate, it's just a regular day but I like surprising her with gifts and chilling out, switching off, just relaxing away from the chaos of my life.

I was looking forward to that but it will happen, just later than expected.

Yesterday I settled on her gift, well upgraded it. All she wanted was a red toaster, she loves that shade, as do I.

But I thought what would be even more fun, was to get her a mini press grill, like mine, but in red, oof it was pricey but mine has lasted years and years.

I hope hers does the same. It's easy to use and very stylish actually. It will probably arrive next week, hopefully before her birthday.

A lil update. I've finished the other body butter and am using the new one, I don't like the fragrance as much.

I'll have to look it up, ahh it's the dark amber, not so keen on it but the American Dream golden dusk was much nicer.

It's nice and thick but it still seems less moisturising than before.

I'm still using the Astral moisturiser, actually I'm enjoying it more than I thought.

My skin is nice and hydrated. I only need to use a tiny amount because it's quite greasy but if you don't use much, it's a better experience.

My face doesn't feel oily and smothered. It's just light and soft, with a lovely generic scent.

The breakouts are here and there but I am eating a lot of sugar so that could be why.

Hmm I guess the other thing bothering me is, I feel a lil irritated.

There's a new random AA/J and he's fine but it always seems to be that same pattern.

I'm not keen on meets or photos. They send one and I roll my eyes thinking ugh, I didn't want to see you and now you'll pressure me for one back.

I stand my ground and then other times, I think, maybe I should compromise.

In photo form as opposed to me in general I feel unattractive. It just highlights me in the most unflattering form.

That's why I despise photos of myself, I can look in the mirror and think cuteee but in camera images, I think yuck, it just knocks my confidence.

Anyway I've talked about that many times, it won't change, no matter how many inches I lose.

So I ended up sending non face pictures, hand photos from when I had long nails and painted designs on them for fun.

And instead of acknowledging, Oh that must have been difficult for you, I appreciate it and won't ask for more.

It's like he gloated, Ha, you said you wouldn't send and you did.

I always feel exploited, as though, I try to be kind and meet someone halfway or push myself out of my comfort zone to not be selfish...

And then it's taken advantage off. I wish for once, someone would say.....

I won't ask for more, you did me a favour and that's all I wanted. Case closed.

Thanks for trying but he was like, send me more images...... I'm just feeling a bit raw.

It's the same experience, take take take, nobody just accepts me for who I am.

I'm always expected to change. It just makes me feel like crap.

I always had that feeling in the back of my mind....... You're not good enough as you are, You need to be better.

So when things like that happen, it takes me back to feeling inadequate.

Trying my best and it still wasn't good enough. My thoughts got interrupted by the Iceland guy ha.

That was unusual, the tracking didn't update and he said, something wasn't in stock but due today, so will be re-delivered later maybe?

I found that so weird, ha, nice but strange. Usually it's hard luck, it's out of stock sorry, we'll refund you.

It's only the veggie samosas, I just wanted some snack items. Talking of which, I did see a few things to try.

Lion breakfast cereal bars, looked fun 6x£1, it was supposed to be £1.25 but it was on sale, woop.

That's what I was going to say. I hate that I have no issue spoiling others, that's exciting to me.

But when it comes to myself, sometimes I don't feel I deserve it? Why not??

I'm out of all my favourite perfumes and I was browsing for Elizabeth Taylor En Rouge and I saw it for £23 maybe.

I thought hmm, bit steep, then I was sent an offer so now it's £20, very reasonable for a 100ml bottle.

It was double that I'm sure last time, but I ended up paying £18 I think and I was so happy.

But I'm still hesitant to purchase it. Just seems extravagant, even though it's something I need and want.

I'm still internally debating it. I guess that's it really. I wonder if anyone will ever see me, appreciate me and think...

That woman, SS, I like her just as she is, I won't push her to sacrifice herself to me.

I'll just embrace her uniqueness. I know that sometimes she will pull away from me. I won't crowd her.

I know sometimes she won't want to have a serious conversation. I'll joke with her, not at her.

I know that sometimes she'll be prickly and extra sensitive to words so I'll make sure she feels special and cared for,

And lastly I know that she's been hurt a lot in the past and continues to be in stressful situations..

Her first instinct is to run, heal, step away and build her walls back up but I know that in these times, she needs me even more to comfort her, to be there, not to push, but if she wants anything at all, without expecting something back in return..

I'll be there for moral support, not because I have too but because I want too.

She has no-one, had no-one but now I'm here.

I mean wouldn't that be lovely??!!

#BlogLife908 - Fear of men

There's a few things swirling around in my head, some new, some old.

Whether she does this on purpose or not I have no idea but Mama loves to bring up the other two siblings, and I've repeatedly told her not to do this..

But as usual she dismisses my needs in favour of her own or theirs, above mine and that's always been the case.

She continues praising them, Oh he's so helpful, he's assisting me with this and paying for it.

She conveniently forgets they've forgotten her birthdays, Mama's Day etc.

I don't know if she's changing the history, as in what a good parent I am, raised them right, did a good job.

Because all I remember is thinking I don't want to be here. I'm sick of being harassed, I don't want to exist.

Having no expression as a child or a teenage, only now as a fully grown adult.

It constantly feels like she's saying in-between the lines, let go of your cruelty towards them, they've forgiven/accepted you for your coldness, you should do the same..

It angers and attacks my self esteem actually. It makes me feel I deserve to be ill treated and I deserve my past, which I don't.

Nobody deserves to grow up afraid to talk, afraid to stand up for oneself and fearing for their general well-being.

My childhood manifested itself into dating. The verbal abuse, then physical abuse.

The reinforced belief I had nothing to offer. Dating was no longer exciting, it became fearful, a wary reluctant experience.

I think I hid behind the weight gain and was mostly ignored and that suited me.

I didn't have to put myself out there and be raw and exposed. I could just cover up and be left free and safe.

Now things are different but still the same. I'm steadily losing weight, being healthier.

I feel like my thighs are slimmer. I have no interest in showing them off but I'm still proud of my accomplishments.

I continue to ask myself what do I want? What would make me happy?

KIds? No. Marriage? No. Friendship? *Shrugs* A boyfriend? I have no idea.

I'll always have that apprehension, waiting to be judged, waiting to see if he'll pounce.... 

Waiting for the disrespect or for the violence. I don't see a way to be comfortable around a man, not in public or in private.

So I'll continue shrinking, reach my goals and then what? What I do know is that this healthier journey is for me and no-one else.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to look after my body and try and lessen the pains and exhaustion.

But if there is any sign, I'm not being treated right, I will probably cut my losses and exit.

I'm not sure how I feel about second chances being as sensitive and fragile as I feel at present.

I've spoken to Mama and I'm a bit annoyed that she's given me no notice, just expects me to drop everything and visit her, when it was supposed to be at the end or the beginning of next month.

Good job I charged my electric toothbrush, that takes about a day.

It won't take long to pack, I'm just drying the washing now. There are a few things I need so I'm glad I didn't buy them and then leave them to possibly sit outside my door, where the neighbours would probably steal them.

My stomach feels delicate but I think it's stress, worrying about not being able to get a cab, sometimes they are just overbooked.

And I never want to call up beforehand because I don't want to rush and if I'm feeling sicky or dizzy like I am today, I want to take my time, wait for it to pass and then get ready.

It's risky but I prefer it. I don't know if this will be my last post for a while, it's nice to switch off, rest my brain and body.

I just realised that because it's summer, I can't used the heated blankie remedy on my bones so after travelling the pain is going to be really bad.

Sitting is just not my friend. I wish I had another pain remedy, I guess I can binaural beats videos, sometimes that helps to relax me.

I'm not in the mood to walk with my portable shiatsu massager, it's too heavy.

#BlogLife907 - Android 15 on my Samsung A16 finally..

This morning my phone was nearly dead but I saw a popup for a new software update it said UI 7 and I wondered if that was also upgrading from android 14 to 15 and it was.

It didn't take long, I stuck the phone on the charger just in case, they always say make sure your phone is well charged doing updates.

Afterwards there were changes to the phone which doesn't normally happen.

The power button doesn't now say the option to restart or power off. I don't know how to switch the phone off now.

It changed the icons to this hideously bright pink, I switched those back.

When you swipe down the phone and it says, bluetooth, wifi, power saving, that has completely disappeared.

Ugh, there is a lot to fix now, I have to googly a lot. I haven't noticed anything else, I just want the battery to last longer.

Some of the games freeze but I don't know if that's the phone or the app themselves.

I've fixed the majority but missing is the buttons panel, when I swiped down the home screen.

I had quick access to turning on bluetooth, wifi, mobile data, location and now it's all gone.

Luckily it just came back or I pressed something so now it's normal, I wouldn't have had time to mess around with it, not feeling sicky as I usually am nowadays.

The other strange thing is the weather now randomly pops up, that had completely disappeared too, no updates.

And I quite like they have removed that Googly news thing when I swiped left or right I can't recall, it was in the way for me.

That's about it really. If there's anything else I will either add to this post or start a new one.

Amazon just wrote to me and said they are starting this instant groceries thing, I guess they are competing with Ocado and the rest of the retailers that offer same day delivery, Oh I guess Just Eat does it.

I haven't looked at it, I think they've given me free delivery on the first order of a £20 spend.

It's called GoPuff. I don't know if I would use it, depends if it says what items are out of stock before checking out.

It depends on the delivery slots and the variety of goodies on offer and the special offers, general prices.

I quite like Zoom with their lunchtime offers and loads of other random deals, quite good quality and an hour slot means it's quite fast.

I really want to watch the whole new episode of Virgins but I have to much to do so will enjoy it properly later.

For once I did a good thing and munched and drank early. I don't feel sicky.

I slept and woke a few times but I got a big block of sleep so now I feel refreshed.

#BlogLife906 - You giving me lip?

Another late start today but I'm not bothered. Sleep is still hard to come by.

I'm back to yawning all day, never quite feeling rested. Anyway checked the emails, the cherry lip balm just got refunded, no message, guess it was out of stock.

It's really bad service to not just add a note and say sorry about that.

Shish, do you not know how to correspond with potential customers??

I also got a message from the rude one who apologised for his snotty attitude, the sorting office is open til 12pm tomorrow and I'll be up to get the groceries so I can call them then.

I did just see a cute offer for a limited edition cranberry double pack lip balm set for £1.75 from Burt Bees and I'm sure I liked them before.

I haven't had that flavour. I can't recall what it was, maybe strawberry? It's a good deal though.

I didn't think I was going to enjoy that show Married At First Sight, but it's different, surprisingly interesting.

For reality, it's quite mild and tasteful. Obviously they throw in some entertaining drama and you think, holy moly no wonder some of them are single, no-one sane would put up with them!

Oh I'm quite astonished to have had a 4 day only period, normally it can be 7-14 days.

I was listening to the lighter period video but that normally only tames the symptoms.

I wouldn't be surprised if I had another one this month. I don't feel bloated anymore.

I didn't get the Burt Bees lippys nevermind will look for another cute flavour.

I just unpacked the groceries and managed to remember to call the sorting office, just got through before they closed.

If I'm honest, I called twice, the first time she asked for a reference or tracking number otherwise couldn't help.

I didn't think there was one, double checked and oops there is one.

Dialled up again and was told it's stuck somewhere and on the 9th July, they can claim for it and I'll get a refund.

Assuming it doesn't randomly turn up, ta-daaaaa! Highly doubtful.

It's lunchtime I should eat, so I'm cooking these mini veggie spring rolls I saw, there wasn't a chicken version otherwise I would have gotten that, the veggy stuff isn't bad though.

The heat isn't as intense but I still need the fan on all day and all night.

I feel very blah today but hopefully lining my tummy with a snack will help. I can't say I'm hungry, I'm doing it to wake up and have energy.

I just got back from my UC appointment, my usual advisor wasn't there and she said I cannot be forced onto a course, aka the coding if I'm not interested woop woop.

But then she mentioned other ones and volunteering so I'll eventually look into that but not now as I'm drained.

My stomach is flip-flopping, ranging between cramps and nausea.

Why the hell do I have daily pmt symptoms now?? It's no longer limited to periods. I just feel like crap.

I'm too tired to move much so I ordered salmon avocado sushi. I was temped by the tuna but all of them seem so spicy so I didn't bother, I got the discount though.

#BlogLife905 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 21 - My Big Fat Fab Life S12/13

I only saw half of season 12 of My Big Fat Fabulous Life and now I'm watching it in full.

I'm now wondering if the reason Whitney mentions having kids so much is not personal preference but to please her Papa, who is determined to get Grandkids.

There were two episodes I was particularly interested in, the psychic one, even though I don't believe in it and knew it would be vague.

And the friends group gathering, in which she questions What's wrong with me?

I wanted to see if there would be a brutal Truth Hurts session.. I don't wish bad things upon her, I just think real friends should be able to admit, when you're behaviour isn't the best and that's why you're unappealing.

Just so that you can take it in, reflect upon it and not see it as a vicious attack but something you can learn from and evolve into someone mature and wholesome to be around.

I like what Jessica said, don't think of it in serious terms, like he'll be your future hubby, see it as casual dating.

Oof she saw shot Lenny down quickly, when he said You're definitely better than you were..

And then when he was alone, he admitted, she's too picky and expects love to fall in her lap without making any effort to find it.

She asks their opinions but is not interested in hearing it. She needs one a professional straight talking therapist and two a professional matchmaker.

The only view that matters to her is from her Papa but he's quite single minded, he wants her to be skinny, married and produce kids.

That's not going to happen without changes. Oh she did hire a matchmaker..

In season 13 which has just launched there's supposed to be significant weight loss, going from the rumours from a weight loss pill.

An example of thoughtlessness is that she doesn't want her Papa to sell her family home, even though that's what he wants, so she's renovating a downstairs room, to manipulate him into staying put.

Why hasn't she tried speed dating or some sort of singles mixer group meet and greet thingy?

Her negative qualities that her friends are too scared to mention are... That she's a bad listener.

Puts her needs above everyone else's. Is quite bossy and demanding, is not independent, always need to rope someone in to accompany her to places.

Doesn't ask if they are free, just demands they come along with her. Why can't she manage to do things by herself as a grown up?

Plus reddit is full of theories that debunk her truths, why not just be transparent?

You lose all credibility when you lie. She's making less and less effort to go places.

Could even be simple things like pampering treatments, grocery shopping, going for walks, some outdoor hobby, some purpose that she's passionate about.

That's what is missing. If she was serious about finding someone she would make more of an effort to get out there and mingle.

If she needs constant motivation to do things, it feels like she should hire a drill sergeant personal assistant to get more accomplished.

Outdoor activities, could be joining various dance classes. Learning new languages.

Trying out different cuisines, an arts and crafts workshop? The whole Kenny thing, I don't know if he was interested or not, the family did seem to be pressuring him to romance her..

Oh ok, I can't find the last three episodes of season 12, so onto 13 then.

Hmm, she was in London ok, teaching a class and then Tal was kind enough to pick her up from the airport, did she ask him a single thing about how he was doing? 

Nope, hogged the conversation completely. Friendship is give and take, not just me me me. 

It's about checking in and asking the person, Enough about me, tell me about what's new with you?

That's a lot weird Tal expected Whitney to cut Ashley out of her life because he had beef with her?

Not very mature, their friendship is a separate thing.

Once again this season she's talking about moving away? Didn't she try that before and it didn't work out?

What about her Papa that moved in with her or is temporarily there because of grief and declining health and/or loneliness?

The whole baby storyline is silly, to be a parent you have to be mature and selfless and she's neither of those.

#BlogLife904 - Heatwave hiatus

Ugh the end of the day finally. I was waiting on something to arrive, it said it was running late so I was patient, then before I knew it, a month has passed.

So I thought I've waited long enough I'll explain and get a refund, only to get this unapologetic response.

Instead of sympathising, she was like why did you wait so long, I find it suspicious.

Ugh because I was notified it was delayed and I have other things to deal with!

Yeesh not sure I'll get my money back but we shall see. I just let her have it.

I'm in no mood for someone's mood swings, I have plenty of my own to contend with.

Ooh another surprising thing is the twit advisor changed my appointment from the usual 9am, to 12pm, good I can sleep in a bit, hopefully the nausea/dizziness won't be as bad.

When is it going to rain? I keep splashing my face with cold water and having icy drinks to try and stay cool, it helps for a second and then goes back to a suffocating heat.

Ugh just tried the sorting office, turns out they've changed their hours, it used to be open all day and now it's only 8-10am, so I missed it.

The heat and pmt are killing my appetite, but I need to eat for some energy so I did some cheesy garlic bread and salmon.

I just feel like something simple. It was delicious actually. I know I overcooked the salmon but at least it was better than undercooking it.

The nights are getting worse and my body is paying for it. I can barely sleep and these sharp pains are worrying me.

But eventually I think I got some rest, though it doesn't feel like it, I can't stop yawning and I don't give a damn about phoning the sorting office.

There's no way I'm getting up early, sod the refund, I'm too weak and drained.

How is it nearly 3pm already? I just did some veggie samosas and had a twix, it did give me a lil boost.

Oh that's what I was going to talk about. I don't know if I'll be away this month or August.

I'm normally at Mama's for July, it's her birthday and mine but I'm not sure. I'm just hormonal and bloated and feeling yucky at the moment.

I don't know if I'll be writing either. I shall let you know before I go away though.

#BlogLife903 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 20 - Virgins TV Show

It's been a bit of a slow day brain wise. I wrote half a post and there didn't seem to be anything more to add so I thought this new show I've gotten into, let's make a post about that.

It's been a while since I did a Chatty Chicks, it's not limited to films, I just liked that it was catchy and rhymed ha.

Anyway, I don't want much reality shows. I like My Big Fat Fabulous Life because I want to see her evolve.

In the past I loved Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Wife Swap, lots of drama there, but sometimes a lil too over the top.

Anyway back to Virgins, I was looking for something new to unwind for the evening and I saw this and thought Hmm, I don't know..

But I clicked on it and it's surprisingly interesting, not too be unkind but some characters are more likeable than others.

It's about 4 adult virgins who haven't dated much and some are insecure and hesitant let's say.

It does bring up a lot of questions. When is the right time to say you're a virgin?

Most people seem to run a mile when that's divulged and you don't want to invest and then have them disappear.

Although me personally bringing up sexual things on a first date, sets a bad precedent, from then on it seems to become the main focus.

That's been my experience anyway. Then again, honesty is best right? It's a delicate matter.

On to the characters, I don't want to give too much away. First up the only male Alex.

He's 34yrs, living at home with the family and has social anxiety, he seems sweet, approachable, caring.

But that's going to be awkward bringing dates home...

Then there is Rhasha, she's 42yr and probably the bubbliest of them all.

I think she's outwardly confident and open to new experiences and dating but like Alex, deep down there's insecurities.

And also her wanting to explore something means, she's going to need a partner that she trusts implicitly....

What strikes me, is that they all assume sex will be this natural beautiful experience but you need to know, trust and care for the person and vice versa for it to be like that.

Sonali is 37yrs and is probably the shyest and most reserved out of the bunch.

I'm almost wondering if there's trauma or she's closeted because she seems stunted.

She definitely needs therapy or to start journaling about what's really going on because something is way off.

Deanne is 35yrs and is similar to Sonali. I don't know if she's been through something or is closeted.

She appears strong willed and very confident but inside I think she's a mess.

On the date she barely conversed at all. Even if you're not interested, I would still engage, I just wouldn't flirt, but I would be polite and ask questions.

She only wants highly attractive possibilities, in looks and body wise, these pretty boy males.

But those types are going to want experienced loose women and how can she compete?

Plus they will banter also, it's almost like she doesn't want to emotionally or intellectually connect, but why not???

Does she feel she won't measure up? I find that strange. Worse still it's like they are going to pick anyone and sleep with them.

There is a lot that goes in the head with intimacy, it's really not going to be that easy to just sleep with someone and expect them to treat you well or call you the next day.

That's why I hope they all take it slowly. I think if someone likes them enough, they'll ask questions, why they waited so long?

They won't rush them, but get to know them and take it step by step.

The dates and exercises have been interesting so far, go karting, selfie something, (not my preference).

And that workshop, where it was in a controlled atmosphere but they hugged, held hands, flirted a lil, was a good icebreaker.

I might add to this as the series moves on. Yeesh heart just stopped as I heard the loudest thud against my walls outside as a ball repeatedly slammed into it, as though the glass was gonna smash.

Ughhhhhh stress!!!

Last thing, for Sonali they recommended a sexual surrogate who is trained to put the inexperienced at ease.

That seems so extreme. Who would want their precious first time to be with someone like that??

I would have suggested to start reading trashy romance novels, to get into that romantic mindset.

I just thought of something else, the surrogate is pushing her to explore her body, especially below the waist and she's dead against.

For her, seems immoral. I just realised a good compromise would be to start with her upper body? A chest massage?

I don't want to be graphic at all but the show is called Virgins..

I always think when a patient isn't responsive to a suggestion, there surely must be a workaround?

When I started attended Church, I was taught the same thing, that self exploration of one's own body was a sin, so in a way it still feels wrong.

In that aspect I can understand where she is coming from. I was reading the Twitter comments and someone pointed she might even be asexual.

Which means someone without desires, attractions. Hmm I don't think that is the case exactly, Sonali claimed she falls in love via a kiss.

She clearly doesn't know what love is, that is a deep connection to someone. Knowing them inside and out.

But there must have been some feelings involved, most likely an infatuation or crush.

#BlogLife902 - Monthly Blues/Landlord BS

I was hoping to skip June, July, foreverdom but I came on yesterday so the cramps/nausea have just intensified, as has the exhaustion and the insomnia.

My appetite has sorta disappeared but I'm munching small meals/snacks for energy. I should eat, it's lunchtime, but it has no appeal.

I've got the shorter periods subliminal playing in the background, sometimes it helps.

Then I usually have to switch to anti nausea or the cramps reduction one, I guess it would be easier if there was an all one version but maybe it would be less effective.

I'm still waiting on the cherry lip balm but I did get the hand sanitizers over the weekend.

And it made me laugh because as he was about to snap the proof picture, he said No no lower please, I can't get your face in it, otherwise I'll get into trouble.

I always thought that was the purpose, to get a face photo, as identity purposes to avoid disputes that the package wasn't delivered or if delivered to the wrong person you could upload your image and say well this is me...

Anyway learn something new every day. I checked my bank and the full amount came in so I can pay my rent when they return from lunch, if anyone is available.

I keep rubbing my eyes raw, they are so dehydrated. I apply the drops, they help for a bit and then they are insanely dry again, another reason to hate summer.

Or because of the humidity they fog up and I can't read or see properly until I take them out and re-clean them.

I've also noticed the laptop is overheating and freezing the screen. I bought a cooling trap years ago but it's too bulky.

It stopped working and I saw a gel pad without fans that looks interesting. I wonder if it's any good or would it be a waste of money?

Alright just called up to pay my rent and this is what makes me think the landlord is skimming from the top, overcharging me and keeping the surplus.

She literally gave me a new amount to pay. This is what makes me insane, if I contact UC, this will be another headache for me.

They are making me look nuts because they literally keep switching the amount, so screw it, I just paid it.

It's highly suspicious though at some point, they are gonna say you're in debt to us for thousands or hundreds, where are my payments going then???

This is what it was supposed to be, with the tiny arrears added, £615.89, without the arrears, the standard is £615.52.

Sounds simple and straightforward. Let's break it down, for the trillionth time.

£489.68 for the rent, then £125.84 for the service charge, which equals the second amount above.

Now here is what she actually charged me...... £666.81 so wtf is going on?

If it''s the annual increase, that's not supposed to happen until October.

My head will explode, like I said the Landlord, DWP and UC are the constant sources of stress.

This is weird, UC has the updated amount but it's different to what the landlord told me.

Oh crikey, confusing, maybe the landlord told them the new amount directly??

I'm done, I'm not thinking about this anymore, the ongoing flipping changes.

How can the landlord get away with telling UC one amount and me, the tenant a different number??

#BlogLife901 - And another thing..

One other thing that's been annoying me is that when the twit UC advisor called me up, he said next time you're late pop a message into the journal.

Ahem!! I don't think I've been late for your meetings ever so that's insulting, I'm usually there early and it's You that keeps me waiting!!

Secondly, I could barely stand and function, you want me to stop, try and remember the login, get the stupid idiotic text security, paste that and try and type in my present state??

Twit! When I got up to ask the staff for help in the library I was so shaky I had to hold onto her desk, otherwise I felt like I was gonna fall or collapse!

Jerk! Anyway had to get that off my chest.

I forgot to mention that as I was emptying the old bag to transfer the contents, in the lining, I felt something and I thought Oh my...I thought you were lost.

Any guesses? I'll wait.. Nope, not that either, shakes my head, sorry none of you were correct.

I found, not one, but two...... Tweezers ha! I literally bought a set and soon after thought I had accidentally chucked one away but nooo it was caught in the lining, how weird.

I have an update on the drops I bought, it doesn't cure the dry eyes, it's just refreshing in the moment.

I think I've used better quality ones but these were very cheap. I don't know if I would recommend them, my eyes are non stop itchy and dry at the moment so I'm using them a lot, whereas other ones, I'm sure I only used them once or twice a day..

TV wise, I'm re-watching Kiralik Ask on Youtubey to see if I like it any better and can finish it the second time around, hmm.

Also I found a new show called Outrageous, the British version of Bridgerton but tamer, less laughs, less wildness, actually it's a lot sadder.

I wish they had lightened it up. It's about a former wealthy, now struggling family and their daughters mainly.

Ok I've just checked the UC payment for the end of the month, expecting to see the usual £800ish and they've bumped it back up to what is was before when they were covering the whole rent.

What's even stranger is that, previously in May when they paid the £800ish only, they've rewritten the statement to say they paid me just over £1k.

What is going on? They love to drive me around the bend. I'm not questioning it, if my bills are covered and I can get groceries, that's all I want.

But what on earth made them change their minds? It's so perplexing, why do I think, in July it will drop back down to £800ish again?

Could the landlord have told them about all the supposed arrears I was charged over the years since moving in??

Did they take into account suddenly my health conditions? They've continually said No you're not entitled for full rent coverage and now they've whimsically changed their minds yet again.

I'm thankful, I really am. I just wish their was some stability so I could stop worrying for good.

#BlogLife900 - 64p Bag me, I'm yours - Anniversary edition 900th post/Early birthday present

I should do something fancy for the anniversary posts, perhaps I'll sneak something in later.

I scoured a few places for a replacement handbag, on Amazon some has caught my eye, right size, right colour, could be the right price?

It's an ouchy £27 but it's on a double sale, plus if they give me free Prime and I redeem the gift vouchers, I think I'll pay maybe a fiver or maybe free if that code they sent me is still valid..

Not bad for brand name, vegan leather and cute to boot. I like the slouchy or the messenger style type with a really long strap.

I had that bag Mama gave me for years, maybe 3 or 4? It held up really well and then today the zips have all busted up, no security for my purse and oyster card so that has to go.

Mama said it was longer maybe six years? Hmm not sure, to me it doesn't seem that long but it was very durable.

I tend to go for a boring black, simple but I want something different, a red or a purple, nothing bright just toned down or darker in shade.

My bag was too small for all the crap that was in it, makeup, tissues, sunnies, purse, phone, hand sanitizer, ooh blimey, I have to get more of those soon,

I don't like casual looking bags, I prefer they look smart, it doesn't have to look premium but I have to like the look of it.

I don't want to pay more than £15 ha. The reviews are good too, that helps and the range of colours.

Blue is tempting but I want something feminine as a treat as my birthday will be here in a while and I don't celebrate but around this time, I want something pretty, just for me to enjoy, just to have that selfishy self indulgent moment.

To treat myself to something I crave that noone really does for me, so no guilt for doing it for myself.

On the other hand, I'm not crazily spending an obscene amount either, sensible to the core.

I wasn't even sure if BlogLife would hold up really. I was sooo lost.

I thought the goal was to be a popular sensation, beloved my many, comments galore, reads galore, fascinating back and forths and of course a bazillion followers.

It took me a while to realise success is measured in different ways, just because I'm overlooked in the blogging realm too, it doesn't mean what I have to say doesn't matter.

I'm just reaching a smaller audience than most and I can live with that now.

It doesn't mean I'm bad, it means most have different tastes, they want the flashy picturey, more bolder presences with personal details aplenty.....

Not so much an anonymous reserved fem who is not chirpy. I never want to hide who I am but at the same time, it wouldn't be me if I suddenly said.....

My name is.........I live exactly..........My ethnicity is....... I like a bit of mystery.

I like that most of the time, I can have a giggle and pretend it's just a regular catchup conversation, that I want to include you in my life, not just be the centre of attention and make it, me me me.

Although that has it challenges also. I try to vary the themes. I know what I say won't appeal to every single reader.

I don't want to cater to those that only like the stories or fiction or to those that only like it when I'm angry, I mix and match, my mood flows continually.

I was only intending to start this, yet it may nearly be done..

Oops that purple colour is not purple, it's brown. I have to repick, not green, not blue, not brown and definitely not black.

I think pink is the nicest shade, aside from the white and beige but I don't want a white bag, it would mess up too easily.

Heavens I can't believe I found the Amazon code, a fiver off a £15 spend, hopefully it will work, which means the bag might cost less than a pound?

Here is hoping, maths was never my thing..... Ha, bargain though :) I shall put pictures up on Twitter.

Oh well it's not completely free but with Amazon's triple discount and my gift card, 64p I can afford to be charged, woop.

I just redeemed the other gift card and got it. I thought I would wait a week for it as for once Prime didn't say, have a free trial... Meanies ha!

But nope they said we'll post it tomorrow, so it's due (Wednesday).

Well it just arrived, despatched at 5am, out for delivery 11am and got here just before 3pm, tracking said a few stops, 3 stops earlier buzz buzz it's already here.

At first I thought they sent me the wrong shade all I see is white and I'm thinking noooooo but it was just the light packaging, so glad it wasn't overstuffed.

It's a Roulens, not designer but a brand name, affordable fashion accessories.

I've never heard of them, I just like what I like. First impressions, nice colour, lighter than I wanted but it's not boring.

It's soft and the insides are plush, lots of compartments and the perfect size to fit my bulky purse and phone and more, woop.

The gorgeous detailed strap is what hooked me, it is stunning and that is the key for me, something to make it bold and stylish.

The only thing that let's it down and makes it look cheap, the main zipper, the end bit hangs off like it was ripped off or not sewn in properly.

That just ruins the aesthetic, turns a premium bag into a semi tacky one but it's not that noticeable and it's not a deal breaker. I just hate that bit.

Overall though I'm so happy with it, it might look ordinary but the straps I've never seen anything like that before.

Aside from the zipper bit and I put a picture up on Twitter (@SleeplessScrib1), to me it's more like a £60 item, not a £30ish and certainly not a 64p deal.

I had a bit of a yucky morning, really bad cramps, but I slept off and on and now sipping water.

I played the anti nausea and cramps videos and finally I think I'm starting to feel better.

I wonder if I'll skip the month's monthly? I just want this bloatedness to go away, it's so uncomfy feeling full all the time.

I just bought some cherry lip balm, mine just finished and some hand sanitizers. Those are so pricey ugh.

Last time, I got 3x bottles for about £6 and I grunted paying that. Now I was looking and looking and nothing until now.

I specifically look for it to say antibacterial, if it doesn't I won't purchase it.

I finally saw an offer 3 for £10, gosh that is £4 more and it's not branded.

The £6 one that are just finishing now lasted ages and they were the Calypso brand, I love how the spray instantly evaporates, no waiting around.

The gel for me leaves residue behind, that's why I don't like it. I recommend the 100ml size, really handy to fit in a bag and bring it out when you need it.

Thanks for following along my up and down journey. I'm never going to be happy all the time, this blog will never have pictures or a name reveal but I promise you it will always have my heart and soul imbedded into every post, even the fluff ones.

And occasionally I'll sneak some food photos or shopping images on Twitter for the hell of it.

Why do I improperly begin some sentences with And? I don't like big clunky paragraphs. 

I try to make them easy to read and cutely bite sized so because I ramble, I break them up often, ha, bad SS, but a cute flow or overflow.

No promises I'll make it to #BlogLife 1k but I will try my best, there is so much stress and illness and headaches, plus the family crap, it's not easy to communicate.

Deep down I never believed I would be a talker, a sharer, someone that inspired anyone else because I didn't think my thoughts were worth hearing/reading.

But in some ways, it's kinda funny, that the same people treating me like crap, were also asking for my wisdom to solve their problems.

I didn't feel too good about myself but it was good for my ego, that a long of people came to me when they were in trouble.

I may not have said much but somehow my intelligence was shining through.

I'm trying to think of something I haven't divulged before but something silly is all I can think about.

So here it is, I play Looney Tunes and there's a discord group, so when the current leader left and was taken over by a friend of mine, we needed a blurb for the new members and I think I volunteered to scribble something.

Actually I don't think it took long but here's an example of my writing tagline, I think it came out well..

I liked it but I still cringed that maybe noone else would think it was clever enough.

Soooo cheesy... There is nothing better than a food fight or is there? How about a tooOOon fight? Do you have a killer appetite? A thirst for vengeance? 

Come join our wisecracking family where only the fun never dies!!! It's a guaranteed blast with our crazy mix of experienced and inexperienced players. 

Tips, streams and everything inbetween to make you bust a gut. Terms and conditions apply, members not responsible if you die laughing, split your sides or become addicted to mayhem.

The funny thing was that sooo cheesy bit wasn't a part of it, I just felt a lil bit over the top, but she liked it so much, she kept it in.

#BlogLife899 - Ask Laftan Anlamaz - Is this what passes for romance??

I have six episodes of this dreadful series to get through. I do not fault the acting at all, sometimes it's a bit hammy over the top but it's entertaining-ish.

This is a fluff post so I'll just share what it's about, I might have done this already though.

I'm watching it on Youtubey, but half the time the English subtitles are missing so that's really annoying.

It actually reminds me of two other shows, Kiralik Ask because it's a similar plot with the boss/employee, huge deception between them.

And then also Sefirin Kizi because of the constant abuse. I stopped watching both of those shows because I couldn't stand it any longer, deceiving and hurting someone you care about, is not my idea of romantic escapism.

Anyway back to the show, the main character Hayat and Murat have a contentious relationship.

She starts off as an unqualified assistant who masquerades as someone better qualified and a friend of the family but no-one knows what she looks like, so she gets away with it.

I can't stand that both the main characters are unlikable self centred egotistical people that only care about themselves.

When their friends are having a hard time, they bring it back to themselves for sympathy......Yuck!

Also the problem with a lot of Turkish dramas is that somehow the writers think disrespectful abusive tyrants are romantic heroes????

Why?? In real life they would be dumped and avoided. Do you want a partner that's constantly painfully and forcefully grabbing your arm and dragging you places?

Do you want someone throwing all your mistakes in your face, all the time and plummeting your self esteem to nothingness?

Lastly do you want someone yanking your wrist so hard you're yelping in pain? Slapping your face? Pushing you?

Forbidding you from leaving the house or talking normally to any other males???

No, no, no you do not!! So you can't help but wonder, what are the writers thinking when all this is acceptable, lovey dovey behaviour?

The fact that the friends and family are pushing them together and she almost dies at the end, sickens me but I'm nearly at the end so I just want to see what the result is.

In my head, she's left him to be with someone normal that doesn't abuse her but obviously I know that is not the case.

If the two leads have strong opinions, that's fine, you can get some back and forth, when there's obscene jealousy and violence though? Nope nope nope, just wrong.

That wouldn't work in real life, first it's grabbing, then slapping, then eventually it's punching, it doesn't suddenly improve.

And it's worse that he's manipulative, first nice and apologetic but when she doesn't accept it, he blames her and invades her personal space, not giving her a moments peace.

It's suffocating to be with someone that possessive that you can't have your own interests and career without them.

She literally wants to thrive and he wants her to be a good lil wifey and dote on him constantly and make him bloody coffee?

So he critiques her work, her passions because he's jealous she wants to do something without him.

Is that disgusting or what?? I can't recommend it at all, started off cute and then just got so bad.

Plus they don't trust the other is faithful at all. What kinda marriage is that?

On one hand it's sad and on the other, they just play so many games at each other's expense and it always backfires.

So dumb! Sorry I did want to like this but I just don't. It's something that bugs me, that thing of being made to feel bad or incapable constantly pushed buttons and being manhandled???

Nope can't stand it! The last straw was him saying You're not allowed to leave the house and he was purposely getting dolled up as though he was gonna cheat on her..

I mean seriously???? She's not a wife, she's a prisoner and yet he can say to her Where have you been? With whom??

But heaven forbid she ask him the same thing. Ugh! Watch it if you must, me personally I prefer when the males respect their partners.

#BlogLife898 - Liar liar - Same guy - Different name

Gosh it's hard to think straight. I don't think I'll be able to post today (Thursday).

This heatwave is sapping me of thoughts, energy, motivation.. It's just hard to sleep, even without the duvet on me.

One thing irritating me is that because the beautician always insists on wax and threading, my eyes are cut up to shreds.

Scarred from bleeding and still a tiny bit tender. If you're too lazy to pluck, then don't I really wish they wouldn't thread.

I feel like someone is taking a hacksaw to my eyes, hold, still, stop squirming while I massacre you. Ugh!

Always I say, wax, no threading and they nod, Yes we got it, and next minute, thread me.

Almost makes me want to shout, No threading means wax only, I'd like to leave without bleeding, without my skin being damaged.

Getting my brows done is supposed to be a treat. I want them to look nice, not bruised.

Ohhh I knew it, I called it, my instincts were spot on! A has been masquerading from someone I blocked.

He is actually HM, the one that only cared about himself and how did I find out?

He asked me to call him and as I was typing in the number it showed up on from my history.

I scoured my notes and low and behold, it was HM, we had a call, maybe at the end of March, ridiculous.

So I calmly confronted him and did he confess, apologise and admit he deceived me like a grown up?

Well? Of course not, he lieddddddd. He said Ohh I haven't used that name in years, how do you remember it??

The fool pmmed me under that name a few weeks ago, or sooner than that.

See this proves he's manipulative and a phony. I can't stand liars.

If that was me, I would have made a joke and said Oops busted, I missed your company and wanted another chance.

But Noooo he couldn't do that, so now he's blocked on the phone and I we will not be talking to him any longer on chat.

He's not taking it well, keeps pmming me, Did I explain? Nope. I want him to hate me and bother someone else and secondly..

I don't see the point, he's already denying it. He will continue lying and later masquerade as yet someone else Zzz..

It kinda makes me laugh, his whole attitude before we parted was, it's my way or the highway but then he knew I didn't tolerate that.

So he softened his approach, changed his name and pretended to be all sweet and caring but it's bs.

I think I was waiting for an excuse to block him. He's fine-ish but he asks me nothing about myself.

I mean I know I hate personal questions but over time, it's gets easier to answer them, so although we've talked for a while, it's all superficial and that's his thing, flirt flirt flirt but not connect.

Plus he has kids, doesn't live locally and is a compulsive liar, three strikes, you're out!

And I was gonna be reckless and not withold my number and a voice said.....Umm You sure you wanna do that?

As soon as I saw his number wasn't new, I just did the 141, well actually it was already there.

If you can't be bothered with the pesky truth, move along, move right along....

On to today. Oh my stomach hurts, the nausea comes and goes but it just makes me dizzy, the sodding heat doesn't help.

I was running royally late, I just couldn't seem to stand, I was retching as though I was gonna vomit but I didn't.

Ick, so I just went to the library, typed in the wrong details as I was flustered, waited for the idiotic text code, twice..

Then I forgot how you print ha, so the nice assistant helped me, £1/60 for 4 copies, all done, oof, it used to be maybe 5p per printout? Yeesh.

I would like to lay down and sleep but not tired enough, that Twit gave me another 9am appointment, God I hate him!

Anyway while I was at the library he called and said Can you do a phone appointment, he couldn't wait 5 minutes for me to get there...

I didn't really hear him, so ignored that until he said it again, so I didn't bother going to the Jobby after all.

Actually it would have been longer lol and I could barely hear him, he was devastated that the course didn't accept me.

Bahahaha!!!! He wants the bloody email, You can have it, you tit! Why take my word for it??!

I got the printouts in my bag only for the zipper to break, so I now need a new crossbody handbag, I love that style plus I cannot grip with my hand for a prolonged time so that's better for the pain management.

I am just waiting for brekkie, the egg and chicken rasher muffin, lush and some apple juice.

I'm going to window shop in maybe Amazon's site as I think they sent me a coupon.

You know something else that I thought of, If DWP wasn't such a Witch about harassing me for 9 months, they would have got all of the Paypal balance but because of spite, now when the huge fine comes in, they'll get less.

I hope it's been worth it, abusing me for all this time. If she does have bosses, I hope they throw the book at her!!

Crikey, I just struggled to stand up to get to the door but lovely food is here and I hope it settles my tum, please please please.

I hope your day is a lot calmer :)

#BlogLife897 - Humidity and insomnia do not mix

It was such a horrid night because of the heat and humidity and I couldn't get comfy for some reason and I was shattered from being out.

Took me hours, hence the late start. I feel like buying a new fan just for nighttime but then I'm scared, it will fall on the floor again and smash to pieces.

If you're wondering the three sarcastic insulting questions the DWP asked? As I'm pleased that I'm documenting everything on the blog..

These are what is was.......

Q1. Explain why you couldn't send us Paypal statements, asked and answered multiple times. 

I quoted the Paypal representatives exact answers and that I already sent in balance affecting and all transactions reports and that they said I requested it multiples times yet would turn out the same way.

The level of spite is astounding, lawyers would have a field day with a harassment case.

Like I've said before there is no reason why that isn't good enough, just because your arse is too lazy to go through the 100+ pages?

The information you seek is still there Twit!

Q2. What did you spend your entire heritance on when you moved in, furniture wise? Seriously are you stupid?

Who would spend it all on that? It was Hotel bills, takeout, previous tenants arrears, flooring, blinds, rent, utilities, groceries, furniture, cleaners, cab fares, over years and years.

I should also have added the Landlord's peculiar demands for debts that were non existent, which is a regular thing, that I used the savings to pay for.

Q3. What were your investments?

I barely remember a damn thing, through grieving and recovering from the hospital. My mind was shot into pieces, it was just eradicated into nothingness, hardly anything retained.

Nothing seemed real, I was advised to invest in ISA's and bonds all of which yielded barely anything.

That was it, so I explained about recovering, explained I was on crutches and explained that I was kicked out of home.

So watch, I bet in October, this year's anniversary, she will come at me again, asking more idiotic questions or the same sort.

It will have been a whole 12 months she's been after me, making my life hell.

Because she doesn't like what she's hearing, so maybe she'll drag it on for years and years??

Until she hears, Oh I'm partying nonstop and dining in posh areas, or whatever the hell her prejudiced mind is waiting for.

I'm just consistently straightforward. Giving her access to Paypal, to the Bank, politely answering, while she mocks me.

Then her continually saying You're not doing what I ask..... When I have been.

She despises that I'm respectful to her as I was taught manners from young.

She hates that I don't get angry and insult her as she expects.

Mostly she can't stand that she is determined to make me out to be an irresponsible spoiled brat, when all I've done is try to survive, be responsible, pay my expenses and cope with health conditions.

She refuses to accept it, so this is my life from now on, as usual the bullying continues.

I cannot escape from it, she's determined to depress me and make me sink into the gutters.

But when I said I was turning over a new leaf, I mean't it. Stress and pain are my normal occurrences.

So I will vent on her, share what's happening. I've always been prepared for her nasty attitude so maybe it's less impactful than it was?

I'm still scared and worried. I always will be but I'm reassured by the fact that despite what she says, I've followed all her demands and complied willingly.

I take comfort in being overwhelmed and still getting on with it.

I just have to carry on, some days are better than others. Sorry that I repeated myself in some instances but it all helps to voice it out. It really does.

Thanks for listening/reading. I appreciate it. Let the judgements continue......

Just for the record I don't consider myself blameless but nor do I deserve this prolonged behaviour.

#BlogLife896 - Sunny world

Is it the weekend here already? I don't really feel like writing but most days it's like a compulsion to jot down some observations or whatever is going on with me.

Zoom sent me an email with some new products listed, no sign of the caesar sushi but they did have lemon eclairs, which looked fabulous, pistachio tiramisu and I've only seen the cafe version which is amazing, so I wonder how it compares?

I don't need to do any mini shops at the moment though, so it has to wait, assuming it will ever be in stock.

My stomach is still cramping off and on. I'll probably munch soon but not sure what on.

I always do this, I say I'm not ordering but checking the supplies, I'm out of snacks and that's more appealing than food at times so I might do an order this weekend..

Mostly everything was on sale, saved £7, got some Neutrogena face wash (saved £2 nearly), some more gnocchi but this time the cheese and tomato as the plain one needed some flavourings.

Also some new munchies, Laila mini poppadoms 90p, yoghurt, mint and coriander style.

They seemed fun, like it incorporated the raita dip into the seasoning.

Also Laila chilli and lemon grills crisps 90p, hope it's not too salty, tried a different brand and it's great but oversalted, which ruins it.

Got the chicken sushi, they were out of the regular so got the dragon one, hint of spice with that, although some might be a lil extra but delicious all the same.

I'm not totally against pepper, it's just when it's so strong it's uncomfortable to eat, it's off-putting because that's all I end up tasting and I never want to finish the rest of the dish.

I thought while I wait for Zoomy, I'll moisturise and apply the mud mask. It's very cooling actually on this humid warm day.

Oh ha, and as I predicted no tiramisu or eclairs, I knew it, good taste some customers.

To be honest, the salmon avocado probably still beats them all, but it's never in stock :(

I should have written a list of what I needed but I think I got everything, it was only a few bits really.

I was mostly full after the sandwich and some sushi but I wanted to try one of the snacks.

I settled for the mini poppadoms from Laila, yoghurt mint coriander, highly unusual.

Wow, for 90p, there was a lot in the bag. I don't recall ever trying a poppadom or a crisp that's been creamy before, I don't know how they did it.

It's a nice size, not too salty, great marriage of favours. It's absolutely delicious, I feel like I've dipped it into a raita already.

Brilliant concocotion. Crunchy, fresh, I would definitely recommend it. Now I can't wait to try the lemon grill one.

I'll pack the rest up, no more nibbling for me today. I'm so glad I tried that and didn't stick to my usual choices.

I definitely recommend that, if you like those flavours, lush. Hmm just tried the cheese and tomato gnocchi..

I sorta expected to like it more, it's ok, bit cheesy, bit tomatoey, still blandish but not as nice as the plain one weirdly enough.

I wouldn't buy this one again, I'll stick to the plain and add cheese and/or garlic dip.

I really should probably eat it with something else but I feel so bloated and full, yet hungry ugh, irritating.

Ok that's one thing done, horridly reliving everything answering the DWP's questions. Filled in the form and because they were so sarcastic/nasty.

I also just told them all about how I was struggling on crutches and healing from the hospital and that my place was woefully not furnished even a lil bit.

Go ahead DWP, keep making me out to be a monster, oooh the big bad crippled girl. Good for you hassling me, continue gloating to yourself.

Now I have to screenshot the job applications and course rejection for the idiot UC advisor, I'm dealing with clowns!

Alright, got back, munched because I felt depleted, still going between nausea and normality.

I did 2/3 chores, not bad. I posted the letter, finally got my eyebrow shape done, I feel fabulous.

And even though I felt a bit rough, for once I didn't feel self conscious about my size.

I mean I was covered up completely but I wore this red flowy pretty top over a plain top, in case it was chilly and I felt so cute.

Make up was done, a lil red/purple eyeshadow, foundation and the sun was finally out.

I mean I know I love my storms but I wanted to try the new pilot sunnies and they are glorious.

I don't know if it's unisex but I don't care, it was a goldy purple style and then the tinge is yellow so I could see clearly and still be protected.

And even though I oiled my hair and did a mini scalp massage, it looked really thick and styled, so I was pleased to look polished, even fighting sickness all morning.

In my haste to deal with the DWP letter, I forgot to sign and date it so I quickly opened it and used the other spare envelope.

That's what frazzleness and trauma does, I just lose my common sense.

By the time I got to the Market, I was fried but somehow through that yellow tinge, everywhere looking like sunshine, I just pretended I had boundless energy and that I was carefree.

Just like everyone else, window shopping, looking all chic and as I kidded myself, I swayed my hips, just like the old days and I thought, Nah I'm not poorly today, I'm healthy.

This mental trick worked for a lil bit, but after the brow shape. I thought alright, I'm done for the day.

I posted the letter, started to feel sick and thought I could go into the library risk it and print out the emails, or I could will myself to make it to the bus stop and sit and rest.

I chose the bus, there was a tiny bit of energy left, so I thought let's be sensible and not over exert ourselves.

I did want to grab a sandwich and drink but I couldn't do it. I have to encourage myself to carry on walking to get to my destination.

I think actually the nausea is not only caused by stress it is always heading outdoors.

Even on calmer days, I still feel that trepidation, it's not fear exactly, I think it's the possibility that something bad could easily happen, once again.

But for the most part, today was good, got leftovers for later and tomorrow and now I have to do the UC stuff and then I can unwind.