#BlogLife855 - Mr Know-it-all type is a crap listener!

I just got in from my UC appointment, ugh and he's badgering me about the bloody courses again.

Why don't they listen? I already told him, I'm not interested and I don't meet the criteria anyway and he won't shut up about it.

I have a strong feeling they've been told to force people on courses because there is no reason he should have called me this morning, panicking me.

Cripes, I thought he was changing the appointment last minute and I'd be in trouble for being late, when in fact he was seeing me later and could have mentioned it then.

Good grief, talk about stifling! I'll have to reapply and hope they say they haven't got the funding once again. Twit!

I ended up enjoying Friday's takeout all weekend, so I thought sod it, I'll get the chicken puree wrap again again, it was sublime and discounted.

I'm going to be sensible when I meet Mama, I'll pay for her pedicure and I just don't need one yet so I'll forgo it.

Then I'll contribute towards lunch but I have to budget more carefully from now on.

Hopefully she'll get her treats this week. Better late than never, I just didn't want to order it early and have parcels near her door while she is away on holiday.

I spoke to T, a new random last night, I was trying to stay awake until I was shattered enough to sleep.

I'm not sure I was in the mood for company, well now I know why I was on edge, I'm hormonal and extra prickly.

Anyway it started off fine-ish but then it felt like he was scrutinising every word I was saying and playing therapist.

Good heavens, no-one wants that, ever! Most want to relax and have a giggle, not be managed and fixed and inspected all the time for defects shish.

I didn't confront him about that, even though I started cringing, he wasn't nasty about it, just a lil too free with the commentary about how he can improve me....

Anyway then he mentioned picswaps and meet ups and I thought whoa, this is moving dangerously fast.

Then it was video calls?? What on earth?! Nope! I made sure to shut that down, it's not in my comfort zone, I hate revealing my photos that are never flattering.

So I explain that, all of the above is almost traumatic but not quite, it's deeply stressful and I'm not willing to do that.

Besides which, it's obvious I'm a woman so I'm not catfishing him and he responded in such an idiotic way.

Oh how do I know, unless I see you? Twit! I had to point out, my intellect speaks for itself.

I use full sentences and punctuation. I can match wits with anyone and my voice is very soft, what more do you want?

But I know that his goal, because he only cares about his needs, is to see me, regardless of how I feel.

Literally as soon as we got off the in-site voice chat, he sends me a photo of himself.

What the hell! Helllllloooo! Was I just talking to myself? So that annoyed me and to make it worse, he said, there's no malicious intent, just seeing if you like me.

Luckily there's a safety protocol, before you view, it says, accept or reject and I always without thinking, reject.

At this point I snapped and let him have it. I'm sick of telling someone how I feel and them nodding, claiming to accept it and then ignoring it and violating my boundaries and trust!

I just said look you knew my wishes and you still sent it, of which I rejected it and didn't view it.

So send it to someone else! He snapped back with Oh I thought you just didn't want to send it, so I volunteered mine and I didn't appreciate your tone, as I already stated, I didn't have bad intentions.

That made me laugh to be honest because eventually what happens is, if I view it....

Later on, the nagging would inevitably begin.... Oh but you saw mine, now you must show me yours, fair is fair......... All that bs.

Anyway I thought this is all too much, should I block him or give him the benefit of the doubt?

So I thought, let's hit pause and steer it back so I'm in control and I'm comfy again.

So I conveyed that I'm not an image person. I don't want to see what he looks like and that I have no intention of meeting him so the photo thing isn't relevant, online chat is fine, the rest is not happening.

I said if you want more than that, we are not suited to be acquaintances.

As all of a sudden, I felt hunted. I felt this strangulation pressure to be on display and I didn't feel accepted as I was....

More like a puppet to be moulded and then worthy in his judgemental eyes.

Yuck, who would willing walk into that? I just blocked him. I can't deal with that type of person, invading my personal space.

There were aspects of him that was fine, chatty, funny, intelligent but the negative, far outweighs the positive.

I don't want to get sucked into another acquaintanceship where I feel like I have to defend myself or constantly explain why I'm uncomfy.

I'm better off with someone who understands me and doesn't make me feel like I'm not good enough in my present state.

#BlogLife854 - Unclear what's on my mind..

Ahh I figured out the phone weirdness, when I went to switch off the phone and the options came up like switch off or restart, one of the other options, emergency and something else..

Actually means safe mode or similar, at some point I have to change that too.

It's an odd thing to be placed there, as if you're constantly troubleshooting the phone, aren't Samsungs reliable?

I just bought some saline solution in bulk and didn't realise I was out so I saw a multi pack on offer, 3x£12 which is as good as I'm going to get.

Plus my slippers are worn out so I saw a fake fur firm one for £6ish with free tracked postage.

Actually I think they're both trackable and due this weekend. Oh the slippers just arrived.

They seem much more premium for the price. Comfy, warm, great quality but a lil rigid.

I still like them though, maybe after a while they will loosen up. Apologies that I've been posting late for a while.

I'm not sure why, I feel a bit creatively stifled. I saw an almost half price deal on Just Eat so decided to do an order today, instead of Monday.

To take advantage of it. Just some chicken rice/noodles, sushi, dumplings and those karange chicken bite thingys that are fabulous. Ooh they gave me sriracha sauce with it, tasty.

I saved over £20 so that helps and then Monday when I come in drained, I can heat it up or maybe I'll grab a sandwich while I'm out.

I don't know, I just usually want to come in, flop on my bed, drink something, munch and nap.

I need a new show to binge. Ahh the slippers need to be worn with socks, they kinda pinch unfortunately.

I should've listened to that reviewer but nobody else commented on it.

I finally have some news. Mama called me yesterday but I didn't know if she was back.

I couldn't risk texting or calling her as that would have spiked her bill again with the roaming charges and I already made that mistake.

I thought let me just do nothing and wait and today finally, she texted to confirm she arrived back safely.

We spoke today and she seems content, like she had a good break, apart from not sleeping properly due to the humidity.

I'm relieved that she didn't seem upset or stressed. I felt I was carrying that weight around for a whole month.

Apparently she was treated well but even if she wasn't, I don't think she would tell me.

I don't think she was due back this early but anyway, her demeanor is good and we might meet up next week.

I asked what she'd like for Mama's Day and she said she just wanted a pedicure treat so that's fine with me.

But I also saw a Montezuma dark chocolate almond bar, some BonBons clotted cream fudge and an all butter one. (£15).

I did offer to pay for dinner or lunch but she's stocked up so she declined that.

I'm glad she's safe but I hope next time, she'll let me know that important detail, above anything else.

As I know the surroundings she was in and honestly it could have gone either way.

I can breathe now. Sunday morning I had the most intense dizzy spell.

I woke up as though I was drunk or drugged, the room was spinning, I was swaying, I couldn't keep my balance.

I was holding on to the door and walls to keep steady. It's not normally as bad as that but I felt so off.

It passed shortly after, I made sure to sit down and rest and then I got a drink and something to eat and I was fine, it was just so weird how I couldn't walk normally.

Today Monday, the rent is due and I'm going to ask them how much the arrears are, maybe I've cleared this imaginary debt?

Ahh they were closed. I'll try tomorrow. I've got my UC appointment later on, I'm mostly ready, I just need to do my makeup.

I got 2 missed calls today, the one time I thought I could sleep in but no messages.

Either it's from my UC advisor but there's email or text, if the appointment has changed, they love leaving it to the last minute.

I checked but no messages were left, or it's from the Witch letting me know my new lifelong debt.....

Ahh I got an email to say the last of the Mama's Day gifts arrived.

She loves that Bon Bons brand so I got the clotted cream and the all butter gourmet types.

Ugh I was hoping to skip the monthly but the cramps are intense and no appetite today.

#LetterLife3 - Dear SS

Dear SS,

Just checking in as you seem quiet. I'm disappointed there wasn't a post on Thursday or Friday..

Dear Nosey,

I did intend to post but when it came to it, words failed me. I just couldn't muster anything so it remained half empty.

To be honest I don't appreciate the nagging guilt trip. I feel bad enough for being flaky and inconsistent. 

Dear SS,

Sorry that wasn't my intention, I was just curious is all.

Dear Nosey,

Sorry too. I didn't mean to be snappy. I just have stuff in the back of my mind that refuses to speak up.

Until now. I got stood up tonight for a chat date but that's not my concern.

Usually he'll mention something came up but tonight nothing..

I don't have proof but I suspect he's fabricating his single status and that's why he disappears a lot.

Although he does let me know first, he did offer me his number, that I called on witheld, ha I'm so sneaky.

Anyway that's a low priority. Tonight (Saturday), I saw that I had a missed call from Mama.

I don't even know if she's back. Ugh I'm kinda annoyed at that.

I can't call or text, that's gonna spike up her bill again.

She could have texted or emailed. She didn't reply to mine.

Emails are free, to say Oh I'm back or due to return blah blah..

I could have sworn she said she's returning in April and that she's missing Mama's Day, which is tomorrow. 

If I knew her status I could have sent a gift or food or something but I'm left to guess.

The lowest priority possible because I'm sure she's letting everyone else know her whereabouts.

Alright that felt good to let that out and stop repressing it.

I felt guilty for being mad at her, as though I don't have the right to feel the way I do but our dynamic remains difficult and askew.

Next I just feel like one of these days I'm going to be homeless.

I'll do or say the wrong thing and the landlord representative will boot me for being problematic.

What's next? One of these days, what if I am injured beyond repair?

What if the next time I fall.. I can't brace myself and get up again?

Or I sprain something and it doesn't heal and I lose the ability to take care of myself and function?

What do I do? I can't exactly talk my way into making it better.

Next up.. Because even though I can't hear these thoughts, when I write like this, the padlock springs open and the thoughts are clear as day!

Why do I make such a fuss over finishing the stories?

I guess I've never really felt heard and understood and storytelling needs that captivated audience.

I don't feel I have that, but in order to get that I need to complete more and more.

It's a catch 22 situation. Also what the hell do I know?

I've no knowledge of love and stability and healthy relationships or friendships.

I don't know if my fiction is realistic enough to pass as entertainment. 

I'm constantly pretending I know what I'm doing. I don't have a clue.

Why do people read my blog or stories? I have no earthly idea.

I keep waiting to improve my words. To be better at explaining things or to  compose something flawlessly.

I know it doesn't work like that. I can't just blink and be amazing, I have to keep trying.

I guess tonight I thought.. What's the point in it? If I just have this feeling, I'm not genuine.

I'll never be great at anything. I'm just lacking those skills.

It's 2.38am. I wanted to feel sleepy by now but my brain said..

Hey You, I'm finally ready to talk.. So I loaded up blogger and thought, what should this be?

Crazy Self Therapy? A regular post? Fiction? But then I realised, letters draw out the vulnerability the most.

And as nothing was clear, as soon as I decided, it poured out. All of it.

I can finally sleep. I hope..

#BlogLife853 - Oops I forgot I ghosted you

Ha, the craziness of the randoms. That is the second one that pmmed me and forgot he ghosted me, then when I pointed it out...

Gone! Lol! I didn't think the H reunion would turn out like this but now I know he's a chickeny asshat!

That didn't have the courage to face me and say something like, after careful consideration, I don't see us as compatible or whatever crap was going on in his puny brain!

Then I thought I talked about this (and this is why I make lil notes).

There was another one called B, he and I talked for quite a while, he said it was a re-introduction, everything was fine..

Until he insisted on viewing the blog, didn't like it at all and then promptly without explanation ghosted me. Ass!

That's why I reiterate this blog is for women only mainly because they are way less judgy.

They actually will take the time to read it and understand where I'm coming from, maybe there is a reason I'm angry, or sad or fearful...!

I'm not just ranting for the sake of it or in a certain mood on a whim, without any valid reasoning behind it.

Maybe don't insist on bloody reading it, if you can't handle my truths!

Or maybe, read more than one bloody post and then realise Ohhh that's why she's like that..

Childhood, health, family, relationships it all adds up. It all takes a toll on me.

I'm nowhere near my bullying family, but even in my dreams I can't get any peace because they haunt me and that fear and unease comes back.

The thing is, I never foist my blog onto people, they always insist on seeing it, I feel this pressure eventually to share it but when I do, I don't feel understood.

But again, if they bothered to read my tagline, they would realise it's not warm and fluffy, some of it is deep and meaningful.

Some is humour, with the spoofs and silliness. There are scattered food and beauty reviews..

And then there is the brutality of my real every day life struggles.

Or maybe they are hoping to see a photo of me? Hah fat chance!

#BlogLife852 - Fakeaway/Mama's Day weekend

I had one day's reprieve from the cramps and nausea, now it's back so I decided instead of getting a takeaway, I would do my home version.

I got those kebab bread type thingys, they were on offer too ha. Plus some chicken tikka and sticky chicken.

I should have got some veggies too or red cabbage. Oh well and I'll create my own tasty wraps.

It turned out really nice actually. Just Eat sent me another gift code, which I might ignore again.

Maybe I should have got some fizzy flavoured water to calm my tumtum.

They are still out of stock the After Eight minis, but I saw Fox had these mint rocky bars for a £1.

I thought how bad could they be? I will try that out later or tomorrow but probably later.

I just want to curl up but maybe eating will benefit me? Actually the chocolates are pretty good, not overly sweet, bit of a crunch, biscuity type, tasty.

In the UK on Sunday it will be Mama's Day on the 30th March. I usually have no clue what to get her.

Typically it's a put together gift basket of chocolates or fudge, snacks or perfumes.

I don't think she needs anything specific at the moment. When she comes back I'll ask her.

Perhaps a gift certificate towards a full body or back massage, although it's quite pricey.

And/Or maybe some flowers? At least something relaxing after her exhausting trip.

Plus I have no idea what psychological games he played. Cripes I had such a violent nightmare this morning.

The only reason I remembered it was because I jolted awake. Quite literally someone was trying to burn me alive.

Opened the door and there was this giant man with a flaming torch, threatening me.

I was screaming Help or No or Stop but my voice got softer and quieter.

I didn't run exactly just moved backwards. Weird but it's always the same underlying theme about family, murder and fear.

I'm relaxed now but I couldn't close my eyes after that.

#BlogLife851 - Functioning poorly

I'm not sure I have it in me to write and put out today's post but I'll attempt it.

My stomach is just all over the place, the nausea is hitting me hard with any movements but I'm slowly persevering.

I managed to change my bed, nice multi covered duvet. Then I took a rest, took out the bins, wiped around the kitchen and bathroom and then gave up.

I like to play music when I clean but I kept switching to the binaural anti-nausea video instead.

Standing upright is doing me no favours whatsoever. I haven't had any news about upcoming appointments, as I checked the post, aside from today's boiler check up.

It's just gone 10amish and he was due from 8am until 6pm I think.

I have to do some laundry soon also but that can wait. I should mop the floors too but that also has to be postponed, until I can stand and not want to vomit.

The Yash herbal lip balm I bought in a squeezy tube I might just have to bin.

The scent is nice, it's moisturising enough but as I squeeze it, it leaks all over and I'm constantly having to clean up the excess,

I will not buy that again for the problematic usage. I will stick to the Joy brand as that has no drama attached to it.

I still feel that tenderness in my chest area, I can't wait for that to disappear.

As I still feel horrendous and the maintenance guy just left, after phoning me he would be arriving soon..

Actually turned out to be an hour later but he was friendly and no issues raised.

I thought I would just do a mini either takeout or lunch order. Finally I saw the chicken samosas in stock and on offer but sadly they ran partially out.

I'm not surprised, they are lovely and I've been craving some, it was supposed to be 3 packs for £4.50..

But only 2 were available so they've charged me £4.40. I can't remember if it was a couple in a packet or just one.

Guess I shall find out as they keep rebranding it, not spicy, just nice mild and well seasoned.

The pizza express dough balls were also on sale, £2 off so I got that too.

Plus some flavoured water, apple and orange separately and some chicken sushi and sandwiches.

Oh and the clean and clear face wash. I am started to hate the beaded one, it doesn't wash off, just sticks to my skin ugh.

Here it goes, Zoom's tracking page has crashed as usual. I just feel like snacking, not a full meal as such.

Ooh that wasn't bad, about 40mins later it arrived. Hmm, they have yet again changed the samosa recipe.

It wasn't as great. I think they removed the peas also. I doubt I will get that again.

The Clearasil wash has a nice enough scent but it contains the dreaded fine beads ugh!

I swear I read the descriptions carefully, they don't mention it and I get it, only to be disappointed.

I think it just irritates combination skin. I'm breaking out slightly, due to sugar and hormones and my skin feels slightly worse.

Although I do feel like it's been deeply cleansed too, I'm not sure I need a moisturiser afterwards.

I'm still using it though as it's still winter-ish although the weather seems nicer and warmer unfortunately.

I miss the rain. I still can't find my glasses after I changed the bed, I wonder if I chucked them away by accident?

It's weird getting up and not putting them on briefly to see my surroundings.

I'm waiting for the Iceland order to arrive, it was nice not getting up at 7ish to answer the door.

Maybe I'll stick to the 10ish time slot.

#BlogLife850 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 19 - Redemption/Rookie Feds

I just started watching two old shows, both I think were cancelled.

Redemption is a UK show, about an estranged Mama-daughter relationship.

As a teen, the daughter runs away from her overbearing parents and starts a new life, reinvents herself, doesn't reunite with her old life, has two children..

Then the Mama who is an Inspector detectivey cop gets a call that a woman was found and she was the next of kin.

Fast forward I think the Grandmother ends up adopting the kids, moving to Liverpool and starting her career there.

The daughter's death is ruled a suicide but she didn't leave a note, no cryptic goodbyes to the kids?

I bet it was murder. Then the Grandmother finds pills and money, that her workplace suspended her from.

Wouldn't the Police have searched the property for clues, a suicide note? Shouldn't they have found the bag full of pills/money?

Also why didn't the Grandmother, hand the bag over to the Police to aid the investigation?

Added to the craziness there is a break-in, obviously they are looking for the bag.

She has young children, they are going to break in again, you're willing to put the kids and yourself in danger?

Odd, odd odd!

I'm thinking it's not necessarily the Mama's loot, maybe one of the kids are drug dealing?

Also suspicious is the daughter's ex wasn't at the funeral, I don't think, yet he skulked around, let himself into their place to collect his belongings.

He could have called to arrange a time, he could have posted the keys back.

Did he return for his stuff or was it the drugs/money?

Also I wasn't keen on the granddaughter's attitude/cursing. If it wasn't for the Grandmother you'd be in a damn care home or on the streets, show some damn respect.

I wouldn't tolerate that, I would instill manners while they are young so they can function politely in the world, the kids are a reflection of the family..

Hmm she really should have been transparent about the custody issue.

Plus she needs to scare the granddaughter straight, she's dealing drugs and laughing about it, not worried about jail, or arrests.

Maybe because the grandmother was strict with her daughter, she's afraid to be harsh with the kids but being too soft is counter productive.

She'll go from selling to using to prostitution to jail, it's not going to be a pretty result, college university success.

The second show is a spinoff from Rookie. I did used to enjoy that but it got too dark.

When it's too heavy like that, it wrecks my mind. I want something light and entertaining, so the spinoff seems more humorous and gentle.

Two recent bestie recruits join the FBI and are finding their way. One the guy is an ex actor, the other is an ex school counsellor.

It's cute. They keep having crossovers with The Rookie which I don't mind.

I wish it had lasted longer. I liked the closeness and friendships, plus the romances. 

#BlogLife849 - What do you get out of playing games?

Just under a week later I bump into J and he's all smiley acting as if he didn't stop replying to me.

I clarified....Um didn't you ghost me? He said No, sorry had some stresses come up..

Why he didn't say that earlier, is beyond me.. Could have said Hey, I don't feel talking at the moment, I'll reach out later..

Easy peasy. Anyway I'm thinking hmm. Then he acts like he doesn't want to talk, huge pauses in between responses.

He doesn't say, bear with me, I'm juggling a few things, just silence and then he answers me.

I don't see the point of him reaching out, then about 20 minutes go by and zilch!

So I just left him to it. Why all the game playing? Why not leave me be?

No-one is forcing him to converse, he could have left me alone. I'm not sure why the J's are like this ha, it's ridiculous!

I've done everything I wanted to today but I feel so sluggish. I want to sleep but I can't, it's too damn sunny, give me a rainstorm please.

My stomach keeps cramping and lurching so it doesn't encourage me to eat or drink, I feel so uncomfy most of the time.

The good news is I finished the subpar aloe vera body butter and am now on to the Golden Dusk.

It's thicker, creamier and longer lasting, loving it so far. It smells as though you've lit a candle.

Musky, perfumey, like a sweet and savoury mix that lingers throughout the day.

I only applied a light layer and it lasted all day. It's not overpowering, it's mild but it's lovely.

I can't pinpoint a specific scent sorry. I suppose it feels more like I'm wearing essential oils, than something artificial.

I want to do some tidying today before tomorrow's boiler checkup appointment but I feel too wretched.

All I want to do is lay down and rest. It's not helping that my chest keeps having painful twinges.

I can't wait for the weekend as no-one will be disturbing then. Yesterday I had a strange experience with the phone.

I was trying to shut it down to charge it and accidentally clicked or triggered something.

It went to developer mode, that safe mode, when you're troubleshooting but I don't know why.

I wasn't sure how to exit, I restarted or switched it off, I can't recall.

Then it was partially back to normal but aeroplane mode was constantly on and couldn't seem to be deactivated.

I finally found the option under settings but weirdly enough the wifi was still working, so strange.

Then the clock widget disappeared, the wallpaper was gone. I thought Nooo..

Did it revert back to factory settings? Did I wipe it clean? Do I have to start over?

My downloads and games seemed fine. The display just looked as though it had been reset.

It's normal now, that was just peculiar.

#BlogLife848 - Phone tippage

I know I know, I love making up words. I just got on to customer services about disabling the voicemail for my android phone.

This is one way, by texting free 150 and VM OFF in caps. I immediately got a reply and it confirmed it was disabled.

That is sorted at least. I just don't know how to take off this lock screen, everything to do with locks seems checked off, so not sure what to try next?

When the phone is idle it switches the screen off and this square grid padlock comes on and I have to swipe to remove it.

Ahh maybe I have sorted it at last. I googlied and that took me to reddit.

Luckily somewhat had a screenshot of it and the replies seemed to have the answer.

To remove it, click on Gaming Hub, the three dots, then Game Booster, then Auto Touch Protection.

I changed it to Never. Let's see if that cracked it, so far soo good!

Oh I should have added this too, I'm having no text or call issues and I'm not even using the Wifi calling.

That's a huge difference from the OnePlus phone. I'm probably going to stick to Samsung, unless I win another random phone ha.

Oof still feeling rough but ha I managed to avoid the dreaded video call from UC.

Why on earth they keep insisting on that is beyond me. What's wrong with a regular call?

Apparently they message you in your journal, send a link and you click to start the video conference.

I've never done it before so he ended up calling, Grins but then he said, as you're not well, do you want another video call in a fortnight?

Argh!! If he had said phone appointment, I would have jumped at it, although I do have to go to the bank at some point.

But I just said if it's a choice between the two, I'll come in to see you.

It just lasted a few moments, and I was waiting for him to ask the dumb question of what have you recently applied for, when it's clear as day, look in the flipping journal, all details are present.

But he just asked for updates. Pity, the next meeting is in the late afternoony, it's going to be frantic.

Ahh I have a Just Eat 25% off voucher but it expires before that, a shame.

Oh I was going to do some sneakiness with the video call, if I had no other choice.

I dimmed the screen. I would have done it via my phone instead, to make me smaller.

Oh and I would have laid the phone flat and looked down on it, a horrifying and unflattering image but I like my privacy.

I'm not showcasing my home to a stranger!

I have one last maintenance obligation on Thursday, the usual twice a year boiler check up.

Again that shouldn't last long and it's just one person so it's not great but it's doable.

I almost forgot to mention, it must have been a dream or possibly the neighbours..

But I got the fright of my life this morning at I think 6.45am, I heard this really loud banging.

As though someone was knocking on my door, it woke me up from a deep glorious sleep.

It was so unnerving though. I did manage to go back to sleep as noone should be contacting me that early.

I must have dreamt it or in my daze misconstrued it as my door but it was so real.

That's the issue I have, my dreams are so lifelike, I never know if it's make believe or not.

It did scare me though. I have to try to relax.

#BlogLife847 - Increased claustrophobia

I have this mild case of claustrophobia from a past experience. Enclosed spaces make me nervous, lifts especially.

But for a while now, I've noticed it in bed, I like to completely immerse myself in the duvet, it's my lil cocoon.

But I realise I keep throwing it off and gasping for air. I can't explain why as I don't get it myself, sometimes I'm fine and other times I need air!

Ugh the cramps keep coming and going. I'm not on but I feel a bit lousy.

I had a great chat with L today, she's so sweet, whenever I talk to her my blood pressure decreases ha.

I checked the post and no Surveyor appointment, although a text came through saying it will be upcoming.

I just unpacked the shopping, wait, ugh they didn't bring the hot cross buns, I give up with that item or maybe I unpacked it and forgot, will double check later, everything else is fine.

I got some Kinder hazelnut mini eggs, some revels choccies and some Chicago Town cheesy dough balls.

I didn't realise it would arrive like a pizza, I had to defrost it and break it into sections, to cook the whole thing is too much.

Oh and last night I finished watching The Have and The Have Nots.

I was disappointed with the ending, it seemed sloppy to kill off half the cast and call it concluded.

I wish it was more thought out and satisfying. Plus one major villain got away scot free, it would have been nicer to have some repercussions.

I have a foodie review for you. I just tried Gustoli macaroni cheese for a £1, 206g box, tiny pasta but a lot inside with a cheese powder packet.

It's my preferred version, more on the dry side, less fake cheesy or over sauced, I can't stand that.

Much nicer seasoning. I would definitely recommend it, I've eaten a quarter or half and I feel full.

The Marshalls maybe cheeseburger one I tried was so bland, really bad compared to this one.

All I will say is that, it probably could have done with a fraction more cheese, it doesn't feel like it's all coated even though I've stirred it.

Perhaps two cheese packets would have been better.

I just checked the post and I thought ooh the lost face wash arrived, even though I got the refund..

I would have been scammed so much if it wasn't for the paypal money back guarantee.

Anyway it wasn't the wash, I forgot I ordered lip balms as I think I only have one left.

No news from DWP or the landlord, the constant sources of immense stress.

I saw this kebab bread in Iceland and thought I would sample it, seems like a greek type bread.

Probably the closest thing to cure my roti cravings. I don't actually feel like making a wrap with a meat or chicken filling inside.

I'll just have it with cheese or hummus or both. I feel a bit sicky today. I slept goodish but still feel yucky.

The bread is so soft and tasty, highly recommended, in the end I dipped it in the hummus and it was perfect, I didn't need anything else.

Maybe some olives but I didn't buy any. I'm glad I bought it, ready-made so easier to prepare.

It's a shame they don't have a wholemeal version, much healthier.

I just realised something, as I have a new phone all the numbers I blocked are now unblocked lol.

I think that's how it works. I'm not bothered because they'll all assume they're still not able to contact me.

I should try and eat something, the cramping is getting more and more vicious though.

Oh over the weekend I watched Picture This Simone Ashley's new film, aka Kate from Bridgerton.

I liked aspects of it but the message you have to be thriving in your career and be married to be happy sucked.

Plus I didn't feel the chemistry between the love interests. I did actually think she was way older than 29yrs.

The best friend was lovely, funny and sweet though, I think he saved it.

I know in film-wise everyone is supposed to fit together but it didn't give me mushy vibes.

He felt controlling, as soon as he kept harping on about, we had plans, You should have made the effort.

She explained they weren't on speaking terms because he basically ghosted her, yet she was supposed to drop everything and meet him?

No-one in their right mind would do that so it felt like she was settling, the best of a bad bunch.

Although I prefer when it's a cutesy end, for this one, I would have rooted for her to turn the business around, say it was great catching up, but we're different people now.

I'm gonna be happy on my own and when the right guy comes around, I'll explore, if not, I'm going to be just fine alone.

Last thing, I all but hated her wardrobe, most of the time, it was like she rolled out of bed and was wearing a nighty.

Sorry last addition that irritated me, why was she kissing everyone, shouldn't that have some feeling behind it?

I also wanted to scream fix your hair! Whether we are late or on time, we all make the effort, even if it's pinning it up.

Tomorrow morning at 9am I have a UC phone meeting. I'm not sure when I'll be posting after that.

Depends if I nap, Oh actually it's supposed to be a video call, ugh, but he said will probably be phone.

Maybe he had to register it like that as you're only allowed a certain number of phone ones?

No idea, the thought makes me queasier. We'll see..

#BlogLife846 - Is it hormones?

I feel a bit off today. I'd like to write but my brain is torn. I think I've been ghosted by another J, why do we even bother at this point? Ha

That's fine, it was like talking to a quizzer anyway, as though he googlied questions.

I prefer more stories less interrogation techniques. Anyway yesterday I heard back from Mama but instead of email, she texted.

And didn't say she was alright, just something impersonal instead, which doesn't reassure me one bit, that she is safe and not surrounded by physical or mental cruelty.

She probably wouldn't admit it anyway. At least she can have fun spoiling, fussing over a newborn.

I am just concerned that he will steal her money or try some sort of blackmail technique, like if you don't give me cash, you'll never see your grandkid again.

He's psychotic enough to do that, although she's given his inheritance already, he's squandered it and her savings have gone now.

But I don't trust him at all. Even without the drug use, he/both brothers have a screw loose.

They despise women and are comfortable with threats and violence to get their way.

Nice to others, but behind closed doors, I certainly grew up wishing I was never born.

I'll be relieved when she returns next month. I don't really want to push her for information.

And I'll be completely honest, you can hate me if you want but I have no earthly interest or curiosity about seeing my niece or nephew.

The spawn of the devil, is not my concern. Sorry but anything to do with him, I don't want to know.

When I'm stressed and I have nightmares taking me away from my serene place, it's always because family is present in the dreams, haunting me.

I feel fed up and irritated at the moment. I'm not sure why. Before I go to sleep, I try to think of a comforting place.

I try to hit pause on all the stressy things. I might take some deep breaths.

There is something else that is an overshare. It makes no sense.

When I escape to fantasy land, when I want peace and a way to cope...

I always pretend I'm with a good guy, that I'm getting to know, and he's doing the same.

I think about sex and intimacy constantly and sometimes I freak out, other times, it just seems to happen.

But in real life, I know that I would be guarded. Now that I've sorta come to terms with my childhood upbringing and traumas.

I can no longer pretend they didn't happen. I used too, as though it couldn't ever repeat the pattern.

Things are different now, every date that I go on in the future, if I let myself..

I'll have to face it that this guy can not only hurt me emotionally, but physically too.

Which mostly prevents me from doing it and saying Yes I'll meet you.

For me I can't imagine settling down and finding a life partner. It's too far fetched, having never successfully found a decent boyfriend.

Probably the most I would hope for, is to find a man to talk too, hang out but taking things very slowly.

Letting it unfold naturally instead of bedroom antics. One issue I have is that, it's been so long since I've done anything physical, what if I get carried away?

The other is, what if I have a breakdown? What if I burst into tears or start screaming?

Or get trapped in a massive panic attack and blackout? In all honesty, all those things probably won't happen.

I think I'll have the strength to say, You know what? That's enough for now.

I'm not ready to go any further or I need a minute. Eventually I'll have to explain myself.

Explain the hesitancy, explain why I don't trust anyone and explain why I'm not comfortable around men or why I can't opn up without being prompted or gently coaxed into it.

It's 2.20pm and I haven't had anything to eat or drink. Ugh I'm sick of having no appetite.

Is it really hormones? I have to fix myself something and watch a foodie video to kickstart my hunger.

All these things I have to do, just be normal. Yeesh. I don't look forward to that conversation either.

Where do I start? Ugh I don't even want to do it for the blog. Most of my readers I expect know already.

Maybe it's not just about finding someone, maybe it's proving to myself I'm not entirely broken, I've managed to somewhat heal.

And I'm capable of loving and being loved?

#BlogLife845 - Chicago Town chicken lovers ideas

I was trying to sleep and get a good rest. I didn't know what time DPD or EE would contact me about the A16 phone delivery.

But I couldn't sleep, random thoughts were popping in my head. Why don't Chicago Town do the mini deep dish chicken pizzas anymore?

I don't know why that was my concern, I wasn't feeling hungry, I'm still not, although I should munch, it's lunchtime.

Anyway it's nice for an easy treat and the chicken and peppers one they used to do was my favourite, minus the sweetcorn, yuck.

So my brain said let's create some and hope Chicago Town a huge company, will get the hint ha.

First up, inspired by many cuisines I enjoy is the.... 

1. Sweet-zza - A sweet chilli and/or tomato base with sweet chilli chicken and pineapples. I'm not sure I like pineapples on pizza.

Ok let's amend that tooooooo..... Ginger and spring onions.

2. Guac-Attack - creamy guacamole base, creamy white sauce chicken, shredded spinach.

3. You Only Olive Once - olive tapenade base, chunks of sliced black and green olives, mildly spicy tandoori chicken.

4. Feeling Hot Hot Hot - spicy chicken tikka masala, paprika, jalepenos, chilli peppers, red cabbage.

Ok enough of that craziness before I forget another foodie review.

I wasn't sure what to get so ended up buying the Reeva instant mash fried onion flavour.

I'm glad I did because that is my favourite one now. It's just tasty and seasoned and lush.

I just did some turkey bacon, chicken sausages and had it with it and was perfectly filling.

I don't think I will bother to try the rest, it's either too much or too lil.

Just going to add this lil review, Chicago Town had their version of the dough balls. I like that it's not too cheesy.

Shaped like a huge pizza that you break off and share with a lot of people or defrost and break a few pieces off for yourself.

These had a cheese topping. I don't think there was cheese inside, this was more like a pizza type.

It's tasty, not dry at all, still probably would be nicer with a dip.

I prefer the Pizza Express mini bag ones, those were more like bread and the addition of the complimentary garlic butter was fabulous.

I didn't have the best night last night, random foot cramp and pain for hours, stopped me sleeping.

I did have a succession of dreams but only recalled the last one.

I was being set up for a date I think and there was a friendly group interviewing me.

They were sweet but I was maybe overwhelmed being the focus of attention, that's not my thing at all.

And then it was like this fancy bottle service attention, I was being served fancy cocktails, but I kept saying I don't want alcohol.

But they didn't listen. They were sweet and delicious but it was all a bit strange as though I was being primed for something, everyone new I wasn't ready for...

Then I woke up ha.

#BlogLife844 - Samsung A16 - Was it worth the dramas?

My previous phone is the Oneplus Nord ce2 lite so I'm going to compare the Samsung A16 to that.

I do actually really love the colour, it's light but it's just a classy green.

To me it's different from the usual dark and dreary blue, black, grey nonsense. 

Unfortunately it's a lil bigger, a lil heavier and oof chunkier. I hate the fiddly sim and memory card removal but I have to do it.

Plus all the app transfers which I might ignore, oh and the updates.

The battery came 50% charged, I just set up the wifi and then it prompted me to restart it.

I had some problems with Googly it said it wanted me to authenticate on a different phone that I don't use, but eventually managed it.

I just tested bluetooth, sound is good. Mobile data seems fine, the real test will be when I'm outdoors and it just fails.

Normally they used to send the settings via text, I wonder if it's automatic or maybe I need to request it?

The sim seems to be working fine, although it's got a different phone number.

I might have to call EE about that also, he did say, your number would remain the same.

It's running android 14 at the moment. I have to remember to make the sd card the default storage, it popped up on the camera which was handy.

Now I'm downloading musicolet my preferred music player with the option to speed up songs.

I need my adblock browser and my games. At some point I have to test the calls and texts, although a text did come through, it must be working.

It's nice that dark mode is an option but I don't like the keyboard being black, I need a good theme.

Even though they have the complimentary samsung store themes, they seem a lil dull.

I prefer Zedge, sometimes you have to watch an advert but the quality and choice is amazing.

I found a way to change the samsung keyboard colour, turning on high contrast, closing the settings, reopening them and picking layout, lets me select, from yellow or blue.

I think I've finished with the apps now, the bus, the games, etc. I can already see a huge difference in the contrast.

Samsung just seems so vivid and sharp compared to the OnePlus.

Plus once I changed the timeout screen to longer, it actually stayed awake, unlike the OnePlus that just turns off, no matter how long you set it.

I need to see how it performs when I'm multi tasking. I usually have several apps or games open.

Plus I don't need to have it on half or nearly full brightness to see clearly.

I think it will definitely be an improvement but we shall see down the line.

Some more observations are that it's really laggy and struggling with the graphic heavy game Looney Tunes World of Mayhem.

It struggled to load, log in and settle. My old phone the A41 has no issue whatsoever.

Maybe I have to fiddle with the settings. It's a bit of a joke for a new phone not to handle a game....

Also what's making this process slow, I am adding the bookmarks manually, I only want the basics and unlike the OnePlus nord...

It doesn't pop up with that prompt, would you like us to use your saved passwords and log in for you?

I keep having to look them up one by one and unfortunately LastPass is hiding them lol.

Ugh I just want the necessaries like email, blogger, discord, twitter, that's probably it actually.

That felt good, I had been putting off changing the recovery/security back up email and as I was logging in on the phone, it just seemed easier to change it.

At first I was going to switch from msn, which I no longer use to the protonmail but then they said something about inactive accounts being blocked or closed and I don't use mine much.

A more realistic one is my phone number which doesn't change.

I just opted for a safety text to recover my account that is so much easier.

If ever I have to use the library computer again, they can just text me the code.

Sometimes there is so much security, I can't even get in, yeesh!

Crikey that was easy, blogger just logged me in and loaded straight away.

Ok strangely enough on my second or third attempt to load up Looney Tunes it seems to work fine. Very odd!

I spoke to EE customer services. Apparently the handset cost was supposed to be £30 but they waved that so maybe that was the culprit for the supposed accessory charge.

He said there didn't seem to be any outstanding costs they billed me for, but to keep an eye out for my next bill just in case.

Also he didn't know anything about the 10% off, he said that might have been the handset offer.

I hope not, I hope it's a reduction for the line rental every month, I guess I will find out later.

Some key differences, the battery is lasting a full day. The screen is staying on, which I am thrilled about.

There is a lock screen that sometimes comes on, I have to disable that.

There's been no crashes while I'm switching tabs and games. Phone calls are fine.

Oh something confusing, shoot, I don't know how to disable voicemail. 

I might have to ring customer services back and get them to do it.

Maybe that's what I did last time, I can't recall. The only other difference is pressing the side buttons to alter the volume or switch the screen off.

It's awkward, it doesn't seem to press seamlessly, takes me a few tries, eventually I will get used to it.